April 26, 2014

Standards For Oneself

This is going to seem like an odd topic to be writing on a blog about the BDSM world but, then again, I tend to do that anyway.  As I surf different profiles I am continually amazed how patterns establish which make things crystal clear.  I imagine the reason for this is most people are stuck in the same time/space continuum in their heads.  Few are willing to venture outside the "norm" even within an alternative lifestyle.  For this reason, we witness simply another form of "group think" where everyone mimics each other.  What gets really interesting is that both dominant and submissive types can be broken into about 3 or 4 categories each which would encompass 95% of all the people in the BDSM world.

High Standards

I am going to start by mentioning a complaint, if you will, that appears on many submissive profiles.  It is something that I mentioned on here repeatedly and bears discussion again.  It seems that many submissives are not keen on a Master or Dom who writes about being strict with the one (those) who submit to him yet lack the self discipline to manage himself properly.  This tends to show up, since most are simply viewing profiles, in the physical i.e. looking at pics.  The main criticism is with weight.  Each day I come across something to the effect "how can one be a Master yet can't control himself at the dinner table?".  A very interesting question of which I would love to hear One attempt an answer.  It is a question I posed myself on this site a number of times without getting any feedback.

That being said, I will attempt to answer it for everyone here.  My view is we have a typical "do as I say, not as I do" scenario.  Unfortunately, this is a destructive approach for anyone to take in BDSM.  The main problem is that a BDSM relationship must be founded upon respect (I know some of you think it is based upon beatings and sex...it is not).  Applying this philosophy makes one hypocritical no matter how he tries to spin it.  Being able and willing to do what you tell another is a critical component of leadership.  Without that, those who are following lack the confidence in that person.  In the United States, for example, we have a long tradition of success.  One of the reason for that military has the track record it does is because every officer went through boot camp.  It is much different when one has the "this is what I do/did" as opposed to "do as I say".

Therefore, a dominant must hold himself to the same standards he wants to set down for a submissive.  If one wants one who is physically fit, perhaps it best to look in the mirror to see if himself lacking.  The same is said for every trait that one is looking for.  What are you bringing to the table?  Are the standards you have for yourself up to what another would want?  Are you being hypocritical in that you are unwilling to do what you ask another?  Do you seek intelligence while wasting your time watching mindless television and never enhancing your intellect?  These are all things for one to consider before he ventures out into the process of finding someone to interact with.


Another area this applies is in the area of strictness.  I often see profiles were people post wanting a dominant who is strict.  Some prefer that military style background where rules are clear.  Punishments are swift and done for all transgressions.  Again, for those who desire it, this is a wonderful way to establish one's relationship.  However, as you can guess, I believe one must first start with oneself.

It is very easy to become lax about things in life.  It takes tremendous effort to maintain self-discipline with anything.  This is true whether we are referring to exercise and proper nutrition.  We all know how the allure of fast food increases when we are trying to watch what we put in our mouths.  Personally, I experience the struggles with writing on a consistent basis because of the discipline required there.  Or we can look at our careers and how many fields require intensive study to keep progressing.  All of these realities require a lot of effort on the part of the individual.

In the BDSM world, one who wants to proclaim himself a "strict Master" must be that way with himself.  I feel it is impossible to hold another to a standard that is higher than one holds for himself.  Sure, it can be done but we again see the hypocrisy of it all.  A regimented life for a slave must accompany the same for the Master.  Leadership is doing more than just barking out orders.  Often, it is taking the person by the hand and leading her to the desired destination.  At the same time, many people learn best by watching.  One who is strict with himself is able to implement that same self-discipline in another  However, without that, it is like trying to tame a wild animal.  It can be done but it isnt easy.

The Flip Side

Thus far I mentioned the dominant view of things and how he needs to address things within himself before moving forward with another.  However, I believe the same holds true for the submissive side of the equation.  Again, I see many profiles stating something to the effect that "I am looking for a Master who will control me and get me to do what I should be doing".  This puts  up a red flag for me.  My question is why are you not doing what you should be doing?  Why will it take someone owning you and mandating you do something before you take action?  What does this say about you?

The truth is that both dominants and submissive needs to be strong.  Weakness is not something that leads to success.  Now please do not misunderstand me to mean that people need to excel in everything.  That is impossible.  Also, do not conclude that I am saying that at times people need not support or propping up.  That is all true.  What I am referring is the learned helplessness that people adopt.  Most like to be the victims and always embrace that role.  Nothing is ever their fault.  It seems they are completely powerless over all the events in their lives.  Whatever the situation, there is a reason why the action was not taken (of course, having a dominant will change all this).  To me, this is a person who is not worth very much.  Learned helplessness is still pretty helpless.  What is sad is that it is a choice.

A good dominant will always seek out a strong submissive.  Those who are preying upon the weak are doing so because the reality is they are weak themselves.  It is interesting to note that a strong submissive will make a dominant stronger because he is pushed to keep ahead of her.  In short, he cannot rest on his laurels (cliche but it works here).  His is required to continually advance his knowledge, skills, and understanding of himself.  However, if one is weak, he can assume the role of dictator while never being challenged to progress.

Personal standards are crucial.  If you want to change your life, one of the easiest things to do is to change your standards.  By raising them up a level or two, what was acceptable before is no longer.  This is true for any major change.  A person who loses a large amount of weight only does so because the previous level was unacceptable.  We see the same thing when one decides to exit a relationship.  The other person, who previously was up to standard, no longer is.  People quit their jobs because they cannot take it anymore.  Finally, sometimes the garage gets cleaned out because one can no longer tolerate the seeing the mess out there.  Either way, the standards for oneself in that particular area are raised which motivates action.

So, my question is why do you need someone else for this?  This is an internal decision.  Sure, in most parts of life, we need a support system.  However, the internal drive must exist first.  Without that, all external influence is doomed to fail.  And it is this internal control which depicts the amount of strength one has.  Seek it out and you will grow as a person and a submissive.  And this is what BDSM is all about....growth.


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anna brown on April 26, 2014 at 4:17 PM said...

Thank you for this. I find it very helpful i am curious to bdsm and trying to find the most accurate information possible. Its proven to be quite diffcult for me.

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