June 11, 2011

Come To Depend


Dependence is a word that has a mixed meaning in our society. For many, it is a way to view an interaction between two people which shows safety and security. At the same time, many view it as a sign of weakness since we are taught that we are to be independent. Those who have to rely on others are looked upon as inferior. Thus, we have to delve into the subject to determine what is healthy and effective.

Unhealthy Dependency

We see many who are completely dependent upon another. While this could be a good thing, in the instances I am referring, it is unhealthy and dangerous. Many suffer from dependency issues. In psychology, they often view this as a result of having abandonment issues. Those who suffer from this are apt to 'latch onto' anyone who comes along. People of this ilk have major inferiority complexes. Thus, the idea of being alone is not acceptable to this person.

So, how does someone like this behave. To start, loneliness is a major part of his/her makeup. The idea of being alone is terrifying. Therefore, he or she will do whatever to get into a relationship. I remember watching a movie where the character said "I would rather be with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones". This sums up the person's mindset.

After getting into a relationship, our over dependent person will do everything to maintain. This is often where abuse is able to enter the picture. Those who suffer from inferiority complexes allow behavior that is intolerable. Outsiders cannot understand 'why she doesn't leave him". The simple fact is that her esteem will not allow it.

Another dangerous situation happens when the other person tries to end the relationship and move on. Our dependent individual is unable to heat of this. We see this all the time in those who 'cannot move on'. They keep referring to the love for the other person. While there is a shred of truth in this, the more accurate description is this person is overly dependent. Of course, the person does not truly need to end the relationship, or even to threaten that. Our fearful individual is always acting out of that fear. His or her mind is always conceptualizing the idea of being abandon. Therefore, all behaviors are done in an effort to prevent this.

Certainly you can see how someone operating from this place is open to being taken abused in so many different ways. Overall, nothing healthy can result.

Healthy Dependency

Now let us take a look at some situations where dependency is healthy.

I am going to start by saying that nobody is a self made person. We see the term 'self made success' thrown around in the business world. This is completely untrue. Success, in any endeavor requires input from many people. For example, knowledge, which is often a key component, is passed down via teachers, mentors, parents, and other influences. Bill Gates might have created Microsoft on his own, but he has a lot of input over the years plus partners who helped him start the venture.

The point that I am making is that none of us is truly independent. Every aspect of our lives necessitates the assistance of others. This is a basic component of a civilized society. Even the food we eat at dinner requires the help of those willing to grow, harvest, package, transport, and sell it. Unless you are one who is out hunting your meals, it is safe to say that you are dependent. Thus, let us get the 'dependence is bad' notion out of our mind.

Children are dependent upon their parents from the day they are born. When we come out of the womb, we are basically helpless, defenseless beings. Other then sending waste from our bodies and exercising our lung capacity, there is very little we can do on our own. Of course, as the years pass, a child is able to attain greater independence. However, as mentioned, the influences are still there are we gain this freedom.

The maturity process does leads to great independence which also yields strength. Those who can assume greater things can do so because their abilities and talents grew. Please bear in mind this also includes the ability to excel emotionally. Maturation means moving from childish to adult. It requires developing esteem for oneself and his/her abilities. This is what allows us to interact with others in a deep manner in a healthy way. We see a complete reversal of the situation that was aforementioned.

So, how does a person in this type of situation behave. To start, he or she is not willing to just run out and accept anyone. Contrary to the quote from the movie I cited, an individual of this ilk will prefer to be alone rather than be with someone for the wrong reasons. "Because I am lonely" is never a valid reason for entering into a relationship. This establishes weaknesses instantly. Success in any field, including social interaction, requires coming from a place of strength.

Another difference is that a healthy person is not living with the perpetual fear that the relationship will end. If the other person is behaving in ways that are unacceptable, he or she is willing to draw the line in the sand and say 'enough'. Obviously, our unhealthy individual is ill-equipped to do this. Abuse, which was a possibility before, is less likely under these circumstances. The internal strength will override any tendency to adopt insensible ideas.

Dependency and BDSM

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. Thus, the scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. Slaves who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master establishes. Nevertheless, a slave comes to rely upon her Master for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately his.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. I was discussing with my slave the other day this idea. She mentioned that, for her, it went from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a slave on a Master. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent and don't need anyone (see above). This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

I find this to be the case each time my slave leaves. While it is not often, I can assure you that I am lost to a degree. While I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, the fact that I allow her to hand so many things in a responsible manner means that much of what occurs takes place without my oversight. Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master becomes dependent upon a slave to meet even his most basic needs.

I could also focus some attention on the emotional needs that a slave fulfills but that could be a thesis all on its own. The point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship. This idea is most recognizable when people are separated for a period of time. In my situation, it has been over 2 years since I was away from my slave for any lengthy period of time. And, I am surprised to see how much I have come to depend upon her. For me, it has paralleled the path taken with my trust. As my trust has grown, so has my dependence; and the same is true for her.

This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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