Safety 101

I am going to revisit a topic I wrote on extensively throughout the years but is certainly worthy of reviewing. Sadly, it seems that most do not believe or understand the magnitude of what transpires. It is because of this that many have a tendency to put themselves in a position to be harmed in a tremendous way. As always, I will keep using this pulpit to try and spread the sane message even if few are listening.

It Starts With You

Safety is a personal job. Many feel content to turn that responsibility over to the Dom/Master. While I acknowledge that this is where it does fall, the truth is that many are not worthy of this responsibility. In other words, they do not have the skills nor makeup to operate safely. For this reason, a sub or slave needs to assume full responsibility for safety until the other person exhibits the ability to handle it. To skip this step is perilous.

I was roaming around a forum on one of the sites that is often frequented by the pretenders, wannabes, and dregs of this lifestyle. This exercise is always a reminder how difficult it is when dealing with the online world, especially for submissive women who are truly interested in learning more and going further. It is an environment that is wrought with dangers at every corner. Pain, and not the enjoyable kind, is certainly in the future for most. My hope is that it is only emotional and not something more serious. Of course, we all know the stories that end up in the papers.

One of the threads I came upon was written by a know-it-all. Naturally, the inclination is to believe this was a dominant person exhibiting his "superior knowledge" of the lifestyle. It was not. The topic was titled "I am not stupid" and was written by a female submissive who is just asking to be destroyed. Her attitude shows that she has all the answers.

The basic gist of what she wrote was how she tired she is of being told by others (older men mostly) to be careful when pursuing some of her fetishes. Without going into them specifically, she was into some things where she could be harmed greatly if not careful. Of course, the warnings of others was only met with resistance since she was convinced she researched her particular likes and knew what was going on. This "know-it-all" is a predator's dream.

It is important to remember that no matter how careful one is, the BDSM world, especially the online world, is wrought with great dangers. Even the most experienced of us are apt to get "taken" periodically because it is human nature to believe the best in people. We sincerely want to think that the person on the other end of the chat is exactly whom he or she claimed. Sadly, in more than half the instances, that isnt the case. More times than not, the person is either a fake, liar, or outright misguided. Countless stories exist representing this reality.

Therefore, when dealing with the online world, take every precaution that is mentioned. All of the suggestions that are posted are worthy. You can never be too careful.

Psychological Damage

Much is written about behaving in a safe manner when doing a scene. I will attest to the importance of physical safety in all we do. It is best to interact only with those who are knowledgeable about a particular fetish. If one is not experienced, hopefully he or she is willing to train under the guidance of someone who is. This is how one attains the proper ability to act safely.

As important as physical safety it, I believe that looking for the psychological ramifications is crucial. Too many overlook this aspect especially when they are involved with someone long term. The tendency is to get complacent and use the knowledge of the other as a means of predetermining limits for each situation based upon past results. The truth is that people vary day to day meaning that taking this path could cause a lot of pain.

I find that safety often means backing off. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from time-to-time. What do I mean by this? As I mentioned, individuals have their good days and their bad ones. Subs/slaves have those times where they are really into a scene. It is under these circumstances where one is able to move towards or past certain limits. Of course, there are also those days where this person is not "on". Perhaps there is something emotional going on. Or it could be that mentally she has some barriers that cannot be overcome. Whatever the reason, in these instances, a dominant needs to be attentive to the fact that he or she might need to pull back. Sometimes less is more.

It is the same as exercising. We all had those times when we went into the gym and we were "on". In the end, we felt as if we had the best workout ever. At the same time, there were those days when we could not get anything accomplished at the gym. Those are the days we are "off" and basically trudge through a workout.

So what are the implications of moving forward when a sub/slave is not able to. One the surface it might not seem like a big deal. In fact, that person might be okay with what transpires. However, on a deeper level it is possible to cause damage. When one is pushed more than he or she is ready to accept on a given day, the possibility exists for things such as trust to be lost. A sub/slave needs to fell completely safe with the one serving. Betraying him/her by behaving in a manner that is contrary to one's best interest hits a person deeply. This is just one example of how being ignorant to this can affect one psychologically. Of course, there are many of things to be mindful of that I will write about in future posts.

The bottom line is that bruises heal. Cuts will close up. But when you harm someone psychologically, that has the ability to be imprinted deep in the psyche. For this reason, psychological safety needs to be at the top of every dominant's list. This is the most basic thing we need to do.

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Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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Be Proud

Pride is a dirty word in our society. Few are taught the value of having pride in oneself. Instead, most equate it with being cocky and arrogant. That is not the case. Pride is an ingrained belief about what and who one is. It is respecting the abilities that one has while showing an appreciation for them. Those who are boastful often do so as a means of compensating for that exact thing they are boasting about. This is radically different then 'being proud'.

Who You Are

I tell everyone they should be proud of who they are. Those who buy into shame are apt to be controlled by outside forces. While this might make sense a lifestyle that has control as a central tenet, the fact is that the external forces that I am referring are non-consensual.

Most are slaves to the concepts and ideas of society. Dogma rules the majority of society. People willing drink the 'kool-aid' without a thought about what they are doing. It matters none who is exerting the power, the result is always the same. Enslaving the masses is a goal that goes back to the beginning of civilization.

Governments and religions do this all the time. We see teachings offered up without a thought as to the validity of what is being said. In fact, we are taught that blind faith is an admirable quality. Talk about turning one into a marshmallow. Take away one's ability to think and question and you control them.

Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. They are the ones who resist the Kool-Aid. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.

The idea is to embrace who you are. Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are 'different'.

Pride Within BDSM

This entire conversation takes an interesting turn when we isolate the conversation to BDSM. Remember I wrote that those who believe without question are apt to be controlled in a non-consensual way. That is exactly what happens within the online BDSM community. We see the kiddie doms running around different sites degrading the submissive ones in a misguided effort to gain control. Well, if you find yourself in this situation, use some common sense to salvage yourself.

One who is submissive should be proud. There is no shame in being this way. If you are like many I encountered, your submissiveness is not something that you became but, rather, was uncovered. In other words, it is a natural trait within you. Those who want to look down upon this exemplify the fact that they are clueless as to what this is all about.

Any dominant who thinks that a submissive is less than shows a lack of respect for the lifestyle. The truth is there are two sides to the coin and one cannot exist without another. It is the old yin/yang idea. One needs the other in order to excel. If there was nobody who was submissive, then domination would not take place. Both need each other. While I acknowledge that the power structure is not equal, the fact that it takes two shows that each has a role to play in the relationship.

At the same time, we also see those who want to judge others because of their likes. The simple reality is that there are many different areas of interest. Some want to be used and treated like total sluts. Still others prefer to live as dogs or ponies. Some like diapers (age play). We have daddy doms. Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.

This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.

Having a poor self esteem is a dead end way to approach life. Look within yourself with pride. Whatever your desires, let them flow with glee. This is your life to live as you see fit. If you can ingrain this in your thinking, then the next time you encounter those moronic 'doms' online, you can simply tell them to kiss off. You are worth more than they are offering. This is what a healthy pride will give you. It is there for the taking.

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There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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Determine Where You Fit In

The title of this is "decide what you want". This is an important process that few consider when entering this way of life. Too many simply read a few articles online and say that they are a dominant or submissive. However, they fail to realize there is a whole lot more to the process than this.

There Is A Wide Spectrum

If we compare the BDSM life to a football field, we see the line between dominant and submissive as the 50 yard line. Figuring out whether one is on the right or left hand side of this line is the easy part. Nevertheless, just like a football field, there is a lot of real estate between there and the end zone.

People who are into light BDSM dwell near mid-field. Those who like the more extreme aspects of the life tend to reside near the goal line. Every step of the way there are people who are located at different intervals. Each person within this life needs to realize there there is a wide spectrum to choose from. It is up to the individual to decide what he or she wants.

Decide Before Getting Involved

I often write that dedication to lifestyle precedes getting involved with another person. Many approach this life in exactly the opposite way. They believe they will learn about the life by getting a Dom or sub who will help them to decide if they like this life or not. To me, this is like getting married before determining whether one is heterosexual or not. Not exactly a sensible approach to a lifelong decision.

We all like different things. The BDSM world offers so much variety that one should look at what he or she wants. If one is dominant, that is only the start. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want to be involved in a 24/7 relationship and assume full responsibility for the relationship? Or are you one who only wants your BDSM domination to pertain to sexual matters? The reverse is true for submissive types. Deciding these factors are crucial to having a successful BDSM relationship.

I find that the thing most overlook is the thought-process of deciding what he or she offers another person. I see so many post online something to the effect "Master looking for slave in city XYZ". Big deal. What is it that you are offering this person in return for his/her submission? Are you one who is capable of managing another person's life? Do you have the emotional stability to be in a relationship of this magnitude? Many think they can operate near the goal line only to realize they belong closer to mid-field.

Another aspect of the mental process one needs to undergo is to compare you personality with choices. For example, there are many who are seeking an extreme, hardass Master or Mistress. If you are a dominant, is this conducive to your personality. Some are naturally harder than others. At the same time, there are many who want someone who is more understanding. This person will not gel with the aforementioned sub. Knowing the type of person you are will narrow down those you will want to interact with in an effort to isolate the grouping that you are desiring. Again, knowing this beforehand will assist you in this process.

Revelations After The Fact

Naturally, this is not to say that people will uncover all there is before opting to move forward with a BDSM relationship. My belief is that a major part of any relationship is growth. People who are involved with each other in this lifestyle should be consistently improving. I do not believe that a relationship that is not growing is destined to last long. People need to spread their wings while taking on new challenges. Within the life, that means experimenting and trying different things.

On aspect that immediately comes to mind is expanding the limits of a slave. A true Master (or any dominant) will seek to expand the limits of the person who is under his or her control. As one goes along this path, he or she will discover things that are liked, and disliked. Perhaps one was closed minded initially to certain fetishes which are desired after experiencing them in real time. The revelation comes from the trying.

Over time, one will see where he or she fits into this life. Some are destined to be Masters while others Doms. There are those who are created to live as slaves while others remain subs. A few tend to go to the extreme while engaging in wild fetishes that few ever embark upon. Most dabble in many different aspects periodically for the pure enjoyment it brings. Finally, many will do things that fulfills their sadistic or masochistic streaks.

Commitment

If one is committed to this way of life, he or she will undergo the necessary self appraisal needed to grow and expand. That is the difference between those who want to "stick their toes in the water" and those who truly want to live this life. Commitment makes all the difference in the world.

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Direction

Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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Decisiveness

This is a trait that I do not read much about as I travel through the BDSM world. However, it is something that is vitally important to success. Any dominant person who lacks this quality will see his/her relationship falter.

Being decisive is something that is necessary for success in life. Many self improvement experts mention how crucial this is for those who are seeking to move forward. I know there are many times in my life that I struggle with this. Certainly, this is a tendency that most of us have at different times.

That being said, I believe this is even more crucial in a BDSM relationship. Since we operate on the premise where an exchange of power occurs, the dominant one is enlisted with the responsibility of directing the relationship. Thus, another is looking towards him/her for decisions.

There are times that making a decision is really difficult. We all encounter those situations where we are torn. Sometimes both options look equally appealing with each having pros and cons. A Dom/Master needs to have the ability to choose one or the other. Sadly, this is a talent many lack.

It is interesting to watch people in general make decisions. Have you ever noticed that deciding what to have for lunch is extremely challenging for some? They will ache over the decision for a couple of hours. This is an example of a person who is not truly adept at making decisions. Something like this carries little risk of being "wrong", thus doesn't necessitate a great deal of energy. Nevertheless, people put themselves through tremendous anguish on something so simple. Of course, the problem only compounds when faced with a decision of a larger magnitude.

In life, there is no standing still. One is either moving forward or backwards. The same is true in relationships. People will come together or break apart. This is the reality of life. Thus, one needs to be decisive in making decisions. Taking on the responsibility of the submission of someone else is a tall order. Success requires being able to continually move the relationship forward. This is done by making decisions.

Many seem to think that being the dominant in a BDSM relationship is easy. The idea of having someone under your control adhering to every wish is a fantasy that can evolve in real life. However, few look at the burden one is required to carry. If you lack the ability to make decisions, you will find that your relationship simply goes in circles. Growth is proactively sought out.

Each of us has experienced those times when we could not make a decision. These times see us experiencing the awful feeling of stagnation. Life is meant to be lived in a forward direction. Standing still means we are actually moving backwards. Part of your responsibility as the dominant one in the relationship is to ensure that things move forward. Work on making decisions to guarantee this occurs.

A good place to start, if you haven't already done so, is to decide what you want for lunch. One decision starts the entire process.

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Mindset of a submissive Part II

In the first post on this topic (found here), I mentioned some of the traits that were necessary to have the proper mindset to succeed as a submissive. The reason I bring this up is because there are many who feel they are capable to living this lifestyle, only to realize they are constantly at odds with the one they submit to.

Basically, a submissive is turning complete control over to the dominant person. Obviously, there is a difference in degrees when discussing subs versus slaves. For the sake of this post, I will take things from the slave perspective since that is at the more extreme end. The depth of the commitment requires a much different outlook than submitting for a scene.

To continue, a slave must be strong. Many think this is an oxymoron but it is in fact a basis for M/s success. If a slave is weak, she (he) will ultimately end up as a drain on the Master (Mistress). Instead of enhancing the life of that person, she becomes a liability. Strength is the ability to weather all decisions and prevail regardless of the conditions. The M/s life is not an easy one. Those who do not have the mental makeup should consider shaping their relationships in a different manner.

Selflessness is another trait that is imperative for success as a slave in M/s. Many think they can be selfless but. in reality, are consistently putting themselves front and center. It is extremely difficult to put one's wishes and desires aside in favor of a dominant. Nevertheless, this is exactly what the lifestyle entails. We live under the umbrella of a total exchange of power. Self serving aspirations will cause difficulty since I have witness the manipulation that can occur when present. There are many times when a slave is not given what he or she desires. It is crucial to remember that it is not about you.

Another aspect that is rarely mentioned but vital is complete and unabridged honesty. This quality is obviously a part of all successful relationships regardless of the lifestyle. However, I feel that it is taken to a higher level in M/s. Trust in a slave is of utmost importance. A relationship is tested when a Master loses faith in a slave. The easiest way to do this is to be caught in a lie. Dishonesty is the quickest way for one to question the sincerity and intentions of a slave. Whenever one does this, I take it to mean that his or her desires are more important. This strikes at the foundation of M/s.

The final trait I will mention in this post is the ability to exert silence. There are times when to speak up and times to shut up. A prime example is when other people are around. I witnessed too many slaves disrespect their Masters but voicing objections in front of others. This is not a slave's place. A slave needs to know when to close her mouth and accept (one of the qualities mentioned in the first post) the decision of the Master. If you do not like how you are being treated, then, if the forum was provided, voice objections in private. Nothing irritates a Master more than being questioned by a slave in front of others. It is embarrassing and intolerable.

Take these qualities and compare them to your own mindset. Do you still think you have what it takes to be a successful slave. If so, wonderful. However, if you feel that it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. Remember, M/s is not better than D/s or vice versa. They simply are two different forms within this lifestyle. Your role is to find which best suits you.

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Equality

Equality. Fairness. Justice. Sharing. These are concepts many seek to have in life. Unfortunately for them, we fail to see them in nature. The natural world does not contain these qualities. Yet people still want to experience them on a regular basis.

One of the reasons I believe that BDSM works so well is that it does not advocate these characteristics. Instead, the exact opposite is endeared. Using the M/s relationship as an example, we notice that the fundamental basis is inequality. The breakdown of power absolute. There is nothing equal about the relationship. Master is in charge while slave is to obey. Simple and effective.

Problems arise when this concept is confused. Many humans want to exert power over themselves and others. Sadly, most are incapable. The submissive type has an inner calling to serve. Her desire to be in control is the equivalent of a "temper tantrum". The truth is that she does not want to be in control. If that was her desire, she was not be drawn to this lifestyle at all (at least not as a submissive).

We see this idea in all facets of BDSM. Equality and fairness are invalid. Obedience and servitude are the norm. We esteem the power and strength of a dominant type while also respecting and understanding the submissive. Both are celebrated but for different reasons. And, both are necessary for the other to exist.

When we look at parenting, we quickly see how unfair this art is. Children are not treated equally. They are usually at different ages with varying degrees of experiences, abilities, and behaviors. Each is taken individually. Nevertheless, both are not treated the same. Some are entitled to more freedoms and rewards because of age or achievements.

BDSM has the same concept. Each submissive type is an individual. She cannot be treated the same as another. There are different expectations based upon her background and abilities. I often write that "one size does not fit all in BDSM". We are in an individualistic way of life. Therefore, to look for equality and fairness is not practical. One will be treated how her Dom/Master sees fit.

If this all sounds too harsh perhaps a different way of life is better suited for you. Many seem to object to the reality that I try to convey in my writing. Nevertheless, my goal is to share what happens when one leaves the fantasy land that is known as the Internet. Many are surprised when reality hits them in the face when they move from online to real time. The main emphasis of this blog is to forewarn people of what really occurs. BDSM is a wonderful life albeit difficult at times. Having an awareness going in is helpful.

Start with getting rid of the unrealistic expectations of equality and fairness. This is not part of the lifestyle. My feeling is that those who seek it in any part of their life are disappointed since nature doesnt operate on this level. BDSM is a facet of the world that follows this same model.

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A Small Community

Local BDSM is a small community. You will realize this after being in the lifestyle for only a short while. Many seem to think that there is an expansive world they are about to encounter. The truth is that local BDSM groups tend to be small.

Many who are involved in this way of life also participate in swinging or group sex in some capacity. I find it interesting how I can come across the same people no matter what circle I am interacting with. Before going any further, the area I live in has over 500,000 people residing in it. Thus, it is not a "small town".

While it is refreshing to know people when you meet up with them, it is also thrilling to encounter new people. Sadly, this does not happen a lot. Many who are interested in this lifestyle begin by researching online. This allows them to get some basis before moving into a real time scenario. The next step might be to submit to someone online to get the virtual interaction going. Finally, the two will meet and decide where to take the relationship at that point.

Munches and other meet and greets can be a lot of fun. They can also be clickish and full of wannabes. There are a lot of pretenders out there. Unfortunately, munches are where many can end up. So one should be careful when new.

People who are truly in the lifestyle will keep reappearing. No matter how big the area, the BDSM community tends to be small. Those who genuinely live this way of life do so. Therefore, they will be around after 6 or 9 months. The pretenders will drift away after a short while. Stick with the familiar faces, they are the ones who are true to this way of life.

It is helpful to interact with any new faces that you encounter. However, it is best to remember that the original "friends" may turn out to be the only genuine ones you meet.

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Ruining One's Plans

A slave is there to serve her Master. It is her job to make his life easier. She is there to support him in whatever he wants to accomplish. Her position is determined by him in whatever capacity he sees her fulfilling. This is the essence of the lifestyle.

I have witnessed (an experienced) a complete ruining of plans because of a slave. There were times when she decided something else was more important. Or because of personal issues she decided to act in a way that totally changed what was occurring. Either way this is inappropriate behavior.

A slave's place is to serve. Her wishes and desires are placed secondary to her Masters. While she might claim to think of her Master's wants, often people are thinking of themselves.

I am still amazed that some believe they are acting properly when they are requesting or expressing their desires. While a Master might open this forum up to a slave, there is a line which is easily crossed. Causing a Master upset and anger is not what serving is all about. It is showing the fear, self-centeredness, and misfocus on the part of her.

Disappointment is a fact in the lifestyle. Masters are a whimsical bunch who will operate from a different perspective. The quicker a slave realizes her place, the easier it is for all involved.

Disobedience on the part of a slave should never be tolerated. A slave who defies her Master deserves harsh treatment to correct her action. At the same time, a slave who acts up because she wants something is behaving in a manner that merits equal punishment. It is not a slave's place to attempt to "control from the bottom". This goes against the very notion of service.

A slave can ruin many plans for a Master. Since she is often not privy to his ideas, this can occur in ways she is not even aware of. Her place is to wait until her Master reveals to her what his thoughts are. Not the other way around.

Manipulation is a dangerous game to play. I understand that a slave will often not realize this is what she is doing. However, many times I watched a slave try to make a Master feel guilty about something he is doing (or not doing). Guilt of one of the oldest manipulation tools there is. Knowingly or unknowingly, a slave will fall into the habit of using this technique to get what she wants.

Service is a slave's place. Her position is one of obedience. Many cannot extreme power breakdown this life creates. Instead, they wish it otherwise while trying to make it that way. Daily reflection upon your actions is helpful. Acting in ways that ruin a Master's plans will cause heartache on all fronts.

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The Most Popular Form Of BDSM

The other day I read that wax play is the most popular form of BDSM play. I do not know if I agree with this assessment completely. When I think about it, I would think that spanking and other activities of that nature would be more common. Perhaps the writer was referring to the more "hardcore" BDSM activities. Regardless, it is something that I know many enjoy.

Candle wax certainly will increase the eroticism of any scene. Many love the sensation of the hot wax hitting their skin. This is enhance if you add some ice play to cool the skin first. The contrast in temperatures is amazing.

Since we seem to be getting so many new people following this blog based upon the email I receive, I thought it best to offer some suggestions for safe wax play.

Here are a few things that can enhance the experience.

1. The choice of candle is crucial. Many want to get exotic candles to enhance the experience. They believe the perfumes in them will aid in the atmosphere. This is the exact opposite that should be done.

I find that the inexpensive candles that are available at the local Dollar Store are the best. They burn at a lower temperature than the more expensive ones which can cause burning. Also, a plain white candle is best since many are allergic to the dyes in the colored ones.

2. The candle should be held at least a foot above the one that you are working on. This will allow the drippings to cool somewhat on the way down. Anything closer than a foot could cause burning.

3. If there is hair anywhere on the body, it is best to rub that area down with baby oil. This enable you to easily pull the wax off without taking the hair with it.

4. This seems obvious but avoid all contact with the eyes. It is dumb that I have to state that but people are amazing how they can overlook the obvious.

5. Do not go for the genitals or tits immediately. Start with the locations that arent as sensitive like the arms, legs, or stomach. People react differently and focusing on these areas first will allow you to guage the other's reaction. If all goes well there, then you can go for the genitals.

6. Use a safe word. If it gets to bad for him or her, that person has the right to stop the scene. Give the option of telling you that it is too much. A safe word is the easiest method to do this.

7. Have fun. Experiment and play to determine what works best for you.

The Types Of subs/slaves

Here are the different types of slaves as seen through the eyes of a slave akittenone. This is from her blog.

The Window Shopping Slave/Sub

Likes the look of it but not sure if she really wants to buy into it, will try it on a few times but still remain undecided

The Part Time Slave/Sub

A common type of slave/sub, they like the idea, they even enjoy the excitement rush but when its over, they go back to their normal lives and mark this up to a fun time, most of the time these are found online with no real time experience

The ‘I can change You’ Slave/sub

These are ones who believe that this life is one that You are only in because You have not met her yet, the white picket fence type, who really believe that You will change Your life to be with her only, a vanilla type with a few kinks,, which will no doubt be tamed over time and You will end up a married person with lights off and flannel nightgowns when in bed .

The online Slave/Sub

This is a dangerous one, she will agree to anything, no matter how ridiculous as she knows its only for 10 minutes, when He is gone she lights a cigarette and paints nails, ignoring all she has been told to do, when next online she will tell Him she has done all she has been told to do

The No Limit Slave/Sub

There is actually no such thing as a no limit slave/sub,, if they say they are then they are either delusional or not been with a Master with imagination

The Perfect Slave/Sub

This is one who tells her Master/Dom what ever He wants to hear, no matter her true feelings, she pretends to Him that she is a perfect person and no matter what He says she is in total agreement with ,, she tends to tell her Master/Dom one thing then complain to others about what He has said

The Pretend Slave/Sub

This is a good one, she is what ever a Master/Dom desires,, she has no limits and she will do the most ridiculous task given, this type is to be found mainly online as in reality she is instant messaging with 6 other people while doing tasks set by her Master/Dom

The Book Slave/Sub

This is on who has read every book she could find, searched every web site going, lots of knowledge but no practical experience, she can talk the talk but has yet to walk the walk , but to hear her talk she is a mine of information and knows everything on how it SHOULD be

The Judas Slave/Sub

This can be a dangerous one, she pretends to be friends with you only to then cause trouble within a relationship, she is an innocent party in all trouble that then takes place, acting as if she has no knowledge of what has been going on

The Selfish Slave/Sub

This is one who loves to interrupt when she knows her Master is with another person, she interrupts and makes her presence known, not one to take a back seat in any decisions, she loves to be the focus at all times

The Ageless Slave/Sub

This is one who in her profile is 18 but on her birth certificate is 55,, enough said ,, again mainly an online slave/sub

The Real Time Slave/Sub

This is a slave/sub who is actually now or has been a real slave/sub, they know the way things are and respect the lifestyle we live