Safe Words

Much is written about the use of safe words. There are many different ways to approach this aspect of the lifestyle. I believe the particulars that are used are less important than the fact that they are implemented.

I feel that it is crucial to use safe words except in the most familiar situations. This is true whether one is referring to D/s or M/s. Unless there is a great deal of knowledge between the two individuals, safe words will prevent any unexpected "surprises".

My philosophy is that a safe word is necessary in every new relationship. Trust is important. However, it can be misplaced when people are new. It is impossible to truly know one's level of experience until you "see them in action". While one might claim to be a rope or electric play expert, don't bet your future on his or her words. A safe word allows you to back off if the scene gets too intense.

M/s is a bit different in that the relationship often covers a larger spectrum. Nevertheless, the same premise holds true. A safe word is vital until there is enough knowledge about each other. Trust really has nothing to do with this situation. Even if you trust the person, it might not be warranted in the area of extreme play.

BDSM is a fun lifestyle. However, there are instances where lives are ruined because someone failed to take the necessary precautions to ensure a safe time. A safe word is one of the basic tenets we operate with to ensure the safety and enjoyment of all involved. It is like a condom, while not the most enjoyable thing in the world it will protect you from all kinds of fungi. Cover yourself with a safe word.

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Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is the foundation for BDSM. Everything we do follows these simple edicts. Whenever anyone strays from them, bad things happen. You will notice that the events which make the paper are because these three words were ignored.

In most societies around the world, slavery is outlawed. At the same time, it is illegal to hold someone against their will. Breaking these laws carry a huge penalty in the modernized cultures. Kidnapping is not something that is considered lightly by the courts.

With that being said, the Master/slave relationship exists only because there is consent. Anytime there is a scene, both parties are agreeing to participate. To ensure safety, certain ground rules are established ahead of time. The use of a "safe word" is critical especially when playing with someone unfamiliar. This is how a sub can maintain an order of control so as not to cross any hard limits.

Much damage can be done when a BDSM scene goes awry. The press sensationalizes the physical harm done when people act without regard to safety. There are instances where death occurred as a result of a scene. Nevertheless, much less talked about but ever more dangerous is the psychological pain that a Dom/Master can cause during a scene. It is not uncommon for someone to have flashbacks to previous abuse. Since there is pain involved in many scenes, these thoughts can provoke one to go off the deep end mentally. This can scar someone permanently.

How do we go about ensuring everything turns out okay. We remember three things:

1. All actions during the scene are done after the safety issue is considered.

2. It is best to engage in actions that are reflective of your ability. A new person should not play with full suspension. This is something that is best left to the seasoned persons. We like our play to be fun but within reason for people's skill and limit level. That is sanity.

3. The basic premise of the foundation is consensual. A sub/slave decides to submit, not the other way around. Those who try to push one into submitting are really taking a hostage. That is not consensual. We strive to have consent as the foundation of the relationship.

Remember these three parameters when entering into this life. There is nothing worse than a scene gone wrong. That is how people get hurt.

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The Most Popular Form Of BDSM

The other day I read that wax play is the most popular form of BDSM play. I do not know if I agree with this assessment completely. When I think about it, I would think that spanking and other activities of that nature would be more common. Perhaps the writer was referring to the more "hardcore" BDSM activities. Regardless, it is something that I know many enjoy.

Candle wax certainly will increase the eroticism of any scene. Many love the sensation of the hot wax hitting their skin. This is enhance if you add some ice play to cool the skin first. The contrast in temperatures is amazing.

Since we seem to be getting so many new people following this blog based upon the email I receive, I thought it best to offer some suggestions for safe wax play.

Here are a few things that can enhance the experience.

1. The choice of candle is crucial. Many want to get exotic candles to enhance the experience. They believe the perfumes in them will aid in the atmosphere. This is the exact opposite that should be done.

I find that the inexpensive candles that are available at the local Dollar Store are the best. They burn at a lower temperature than the more expensive ones which can cause burning. Also, a plain white candle is best since many are allergic to the dyes in the colored ones.

2. The candle should be held at least a foot above the one that you are working on. This will allow the drippings to cool somewhat on the way down. Anything closer than a foot could cause burning.

3. If there is hair anywhere on the body, it is best to rub that area down with baby oil. This enable you to easily pull the wax off without taking the hair with it.

4. This seems obvious but avoid all contact with the eyes. It is dumb that I have to state that but people are amazing how they can overlook the obvious.

5. Do not go for the genitals or tits immediately. Start with the locations that arent as sensitive like the arms, legs, or stomach. People react differently and focusing on these areas first will allow you to guage the other's reaction. If all goes well there, then you can go for the genitals.

6. Use a safe word. If it gets to bad for him or her, that person has the right to stop the scene. Give the option of telling you that it is too much. A safe word is the easiest method to do this.

7. Have fun. Experiment and play to determine what works best for you.

Professionals

Many seek out the services of professionals to fulfill their BDSM fantasies. For many, this can be a wonderful way to approach the lifestyle. It is a route that one can choose which offers a greater chance of being with someone knowledgeable, thus decreasing the likelihood of getting hurt. Professionals offer a service that many cannot find anywhere else.

We have all seen the episodes on television where a high power male hires a Dominatrix to work on him. This is a common impression that the mainstream likes to portray. However, there are many different variations on this theme. There is an equal chance the professional is a male. Also, women are as likely, if not more, to enlist the services of a professional as her male counterparts.

The use of a professional creates an environment where the scene is high structured. All components of the scene will be determined ahead of time. The use of safe words is always present with a professional. I have yet to meet one who did not insist on them. Also, they are usually very specific with what they will do. There are certain areas of play which they will not engage in and He or She will mention them.

Do not call a professional for sex. These people are not escorts or prostitutes. They perform a service that is legal. However, crossing the line into sexual activity while being paid puts each in legal peril. In fact, penetration with anything is considered sex-for-pay and off limits. Anyone who offers that as part of the service needs to be avoided, in my opinion. I would believe that person is laying a trap of some kind. It might simply be ignorance but that is not something that I would want to risk.

This is a business arrangement. Remember that when "negotiating" with this person. Each side is worthy of certain respect while adhering to a certain protocol. Just because you are seeking this person's services does not mean that you are agreeing to submit unconditionally. As mentioned, there are boundaries established which each side adheres to. The treatment that you receive will reflect your status as a customer.

A final word: the use of a professional is for the purpose of pleasure only. The hiring of this person does not make you a slave. A BDSM fantasy is being lived out by people who are partaking in certain roles. The submission is only for the scene itself and not part of a larger context. The term "slave" is not valid other than to enhance the moment of the scene. A true slave carries a completely different meaning. If you encounter someone who immediately pushes you into "slave" mode, pack up your stuff. There is a good possibility this person is not really a pro.