Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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Self Growth

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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Domination Through Bullying

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.

Strength?

Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.

Domination

One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

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Trust: Trusting The Wrong Person

We talk about trust a lot in the lifestyle. Of course, when referring to relationships, it is natural that this topic is covered. We all know that without trust, there is not much of a relationship. It is one of the fundamental blocks of a healthy interaction. Each person needs to trust the other.

Being Gun Shy

I recently came across a situation that reminded me of what can occur. We write a great deal about the pretenders in an effort to warn people about the games that are played. The reason this is done is because people of this sort can cause tremendous damage. Sadly, it is something we see all the time.

What happens to a person after he or she gets hurt by someone of this nature? Naturally, one is going to become a bit gun shy when approaching the next interaction. Of course, this is not only applicable when dealing with pretenders. There are many experiences from people's past that can cause them to have this outlook.

Trust is a fragile thing which is easy to break. Anyone who was cheated on when in a monogamous relationship knows this intimately. While the other person can attempt to make all the amends in the world and swear it will never happen again, there is always that thought in the back of one's mind whenever the person leaves the house. Unfortunately, this experience will carry over into the next relationship also. How many of us have been accused of cheating without merit? Often, that is just the other individual's old experiences emerging.

Wrongly Trusting

Many will assert, after experiencing some of the things I just mentioned, that they cannot trust anyone. Their belief is that trusting is their problem. It is not. The actual truth of the matter is this person has a problem with trusting the wrong person. Trust is a healthy and natural concept. It is something we do from the time we are young. It comes natural to us. However, when we trust the wrong people, they tend to let us down. This causes us to establish walls as a way of protecting ourselves.

It is never wrong to trust. The problem arises when one trust someone who is unworthy of it. This is where people get themselves in trouble. Using the pretender as an example, here is a person who is clearly (after the fact) incapable of providing what was stated. Thus, trusting this person is a mistake. Of course, things are a lot easier in hindsight. Nevertheless, life is lived in the present and decisions are made without the future knowledge. The challenge is to learn to spot the warning signs ahead of time to avert dangerous situations.

In closing, do not believe that your ability to trust is a problem. It is not. Where you need to focus your attention is on being more selective about those who you do trust. Trusting the wrong person can never lead to a positive outcome. However, don't give up the idea of trusting. Those who wall up and do not trust tend to become old and lonely people. We all were burnt at one time or another. The only way to succeed is to hang in there and get back in the game. Over time, we learn to pick out those who are trustworthy. That is our ultimate end.



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Forced Time

I write quite often how time is an ally in the online world and that it is the one defense someone can throw up against the trollers and pretenders. People of this sort detest taking time to get to know someone. There outlook is to move quickly. Anyone who is new to the lifestyle can counterbalance this approach by slowing things down. Many will find that the pretenders lose interest quickly. Of course, those who are real understand this and are more apt to welcome this alternative.

Meeting Local People

As I travel around the 'Net, I read a ton of profiles in an effort to gain insight into what people are doing. One of the most common attributes of those who I would consider truly seeking is that a person be local before contacting him or her. This makes total sense since I am a proponent of the idea that BDSM is a face-to-face lifestyle. Even after all these years, I find the concept that a power exchange relationship can truly occur while separated distasteful. There is just too much evidence that supports the notion that people are going to lie and cheat. But, then again, that is an ageless battle which can be approached in another post.

The desire to interact with someone local is a wonderful idea and a good way to narrow down the 'field' in an effort to find what one is seeking. However, this can create a problem when one is dealing with someone who is desperate or in a position of weakness. A person in this situation tends to want to move forward, usually out of fear. This act tends to counteract the fundamentals which are required for success in a BDSM relationship.

Time is an ally when dealing with the trollers. It also is a required element that is needed to delve deep into a power exchange relationship. Those types of interactions are based upon trust, compatibility, knowledge, and genuine emotional investment. These qualities take time to develop. In other words, there is no way to shortcut this.

So, when we have someone local, the tendency is to meet for coffee or dinner and then hop into the sack. This occurs after a few emails, instant message conversations, webcam sessions, and, perhaps a phone call or two. While not opposed to open sexual lifestyle (hell I live that way myself), the problem is that this takes things to a different level without the proper foundation in place. Also, many mistake the fact that because one is good in bed, that he or she will make a good Master or slave. The transition from bedroom to other areas of life is a big jump; one most cannot make.

Long Distance Relationships

The alternative to finding someone local is to get involved in a long distance relationship. This is something that is distasteful to many but an idea I embraced over the years. For those who are genuinely seeking, it is a viable option as long as one understands the terminology and is clear in the concepts I am going to cover.

Long distance and online relationships are two different things. There are many who seek online only as a preferred way of living their BDSM life. To me, this opens up the opportunity for the dishonesty and lack of trust that was mentioned before. Usually people in this fold tend to be married or involved with someone in a vanilla setting which means they are looking for some online role playing. This is a viable option for those who are into this genre but it is not a suitable replacement for real live interaction. The problem arises in the fact that one party is typically seeking more but settles for some temporary online games.

Online only will never develop into real time. It is also a means which the traditional modes of communication are ignored (for the most part). When dealing with someone online, getting to truly know that person is not of interest. Since the relationship is never going to develop, the idea of establishing grounds of compatibility, trust, and emotional interest is not necessary. The only thing that matters is the present moment and the interaction now. Nothing more is going to develop.

Long distance is a totally different concept. To start, the idea is to move forward into something more. In this situation, each party is aware of the desire for something greater but understands the present geographical and logistical situation. This is something that is desired to be overcome in time but the participants deal with the reality of the relationship as it is in the present moment.

Unlike the online only deal, people involved long distance are interested in getting to know the other person. Moving things to a deeper level is wanted by both parties. For this reason, the traditional modes of communication are utilized. Things such as phone calls, the postal system (i.e. letters), and in person visits are applied. One seeks to know the entire person and what he/she likes. A true relationship is sought.

Forced Time

Long distance relationships offer a couple of advantages over local ones. One of the biggest things is that, being open to the approach, creates more opportunities to meet someone who fits your needs. It always amazes me how few people in the local area (mine at least) are true 'lifestyle' people. Just like online, there tends to be a lot of the same antics at the munches. While this might suit their needs, it does not meet mine. Therefore, I had to be open to expanding my search.

As many of you are aware, my present slave came to me from the UK (United Kingdom, not University of Kentucky). There was 5,000 miles and an entire ocean between us. Fortunately, it was a situation where the logistics could be resolved in time. However, it took almost two years to get to that point. This is where the forced time was our biggest ally.

My slave visited me almost two years after we started interacting online. We used whatever methods were available to us over that time. While having never met in person, we talked on the phone (internet), sent packages back and forth, and really got to know each other. Thus, when we met in person, we knew a great deal about the other person, what was desired, and how we matched up. It was impossible to omit that stage of our relationship development since the distance necessitated that we approach things in this manner.

Personally, I believe many who I encounter online would be better served if they went in this direction. No matter how much I write and warn people about it, people still want to move ahead with their relationships at warp speed. This is where they end up getting hurt. I am never surprised when these situations do not work out. Of course, I speak from experience here since I have moved to quickly in the past also. Remember, this is something that none of us, no matter how experienced, can shortcut. Relationships take time to develop.

Therefore, I suggest that you re-evaluate your mindset of only dealing with someone local. There are many advantages to establishing a long distance BDSM relationship which ultimately moves into real time. While it is not an easy path to follow and the desire to hop on a plane and go meet the other person is always present, the benefits can outweigh that. Forced time is often the only way those who lack discipline will take the proper approach. In a long distance relationship, one has no choice but to use the time constructively. Sex, whips, and chains will come later. The basic foundation will be laid long before those aspects are experienced. In my mind, they will only serve to reaffirm what is already in place as opposed to being the primary basis. This increases the chance of success greatly.

Time is truly our ally.

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Come To Depend

Dependence is a word that has a mixed meaning in our society. For many, it is a way to view an interaction between two people which shows safety and security. At the same time, many view it as a sign of weakness since we are taught that we are to be independent. Those who have to rely on others are looked upon as inferior. Thus, we have to delve into the subject to determine what is healthy and effective.

Unhealthy Dependency

We see many who are completely dependent upon another. While this could be a good thing, in the instances I am referring, it is unhealthy and dangerous. Many suffer from dependency issues. In psychology, they often view this as a result of having abandonment issues. Those who suffer from this are apt to 'latch onto' anyone who comes along. People of this ilk have major inferiority complexes. Thus, the idea of being alone is not acceptable to this person.

So, how does someone like this behave. To start, loneliness is a major part of his/her makeup. The idea of being alone is terrifying. Therefore, he or she will do whatever to get into a relationship. I remember watching a movie where the character said "I would rather be with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones". This sums up the person's mindset.

After getting into a relationship, our over dependent person will do everything to maintain. This is often where abuse is able to enter the picture. Those who suffer from inferiority complexes allow behavior that is intolerable. Outsiders cannot understand 'why she doesn't leave him". The simple fact is that her esteem will not allow it.

Another dangerous situation happens when the other person tries to end the relationship and move on. Our dependent individual is unable to heat of this. We see this all the time in those who 'cannot move on'. They keep referring to the love for the other person. While there is a shred of truth in this, the more accurate description is this person is overly dependent. Of course, the person does not truly need to end the relationship, or even to threaten that. Our fearful individual is always acting out of that fear. His or her mind is always conceptualizing the idea of being abandon. Therefore, all behaviors are done in an effort to prevent this.

Certainly you can see how someone operating from this place is open to being taken abused in so many different ways. Overall, nothing healthy can result.

Healthy Dependency

Now let us take a look at some situations where dependency is healthy.

I am going to start by saying that nobody is a self made person. We see the term 'self made success' thrown around in the business world. This is completely untrue. Success, in any endeavor requires input from many people. For example, knowledge, which is often a key component, is passed down via teachers, mentors, parents, and other influences. Bill Gates might have created Microsoft on his own, but he has a lot of input over the years plus partners who helped him start the venture.

The point that I am making is that none of us is truly independent. Every aspect of our lives necessitates the assistance of others. This is a basic component of a civilized society. Even the food we eat at dinner requires the help of those willing to grow, harvest, package, transport, and sell it. Unless you are one who is out hunting your meals, it is safe to say that you are dependent. Thus, let us get the 'dependence is bad' notion out of our mind.

Children are dependent upon their parents from the day they are born. When we come out of the womb, we are basically helpless, defenseless beings. Other then sending waste from our bodies and exercising our lung capacity, there is very little we can do on our own. Of course, as the years pass, a child is able to attain greater independence. However, as mentioned, the influences are still there are we gain this freedom.

The maturity process does leads to great independence which also yields strength. Those who can assume greater things can do so because their abilities and talents grew. Please bear in mind this also includes the ability to excel emotionally. Maturation means moving from childish to adult. It requires developing esteem for oneself and his/her abilities. This is what allows us to interact with others in a deep manner in a healthy way. We see a complete reversal of the situation that was aforementioned.

So, how does a person in this type of situation behave. To start, he or she is not willing to just run out and accept anyone. Contrary to the quote from the movie I cited, an individual of this ilk will prefer to be alone rather than be with someone for the wrong reasons. "Because I am lonely" is never a valid reason for entering into a relationship. This establishes weaknesses instantly. Success in any field, including social interaction, requires coming from a place of strength.

Another difference is that a healthy person is not living with the perpetual fear that the relationship will end. If the other person is behaving in ways that are unacceptable, he or she is willing to draw the line in the sand and say 'enough'. Obviously, our unhealthy individual is ill-equipped to do this. Abuse, which was a possibility before, is less likely under these circumstances. The internal strength will override any tendency to adopt insensible ideas.

Dependency and BDSM

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. Thus, the scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. Slaves who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master establishes. Nevertheless, a slave comes to rely upon her Master for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately his.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. I was discussing with my slave the other day this idea. She mentioned that, for her, it went from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a slave on a Master. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent and don't need anyone (see above). This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

I find this to be the case each time my slave leaves. While it is not often, I can assure you that I am lost to a degree. While I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, the fact that I allow her to hand so many things in a responsible manner means that much of what occurs takes place without my oversight. Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master becomes dependent upon a slave to meet even his most basic needs.

I could also focus some attention on the emotional needs that a slave fulfills but that could be a thesis all on its own. The point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship. This idea is most recognizable when people are separated for a period of time. In my situation, it has been over 2 years since I was away from my slave for any lengthy period of time. And, I am surprised to see how much I have come to depend upon her. For me, it has paralleled the path taken with my trust. As my trust has grown, so has my dependence; and the same is true for her.

This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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Domination: Taking Responsibility

Responsibility is something that many in society talk about. We are taught that one is to be responsible. For example, males are taught they are to work hard and be good providers for the family. One is suppose to take care of those who are dependent upon him (her). We are told this is what 'responsible people do'.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Society would be better off if more had this outlook. My observation is that we are going in the opposite direction. Overall, I sense the 'blame game' is more prominent than personal responsibility. Everyone has an alibi and is quick to put it to use. While not wanting to turn this post into a political rant, it is safe to say some of the industrious values of yesteryear were replaced.

BDSM: Contrary to Society

Much of my writing focuses attention on the fact that those who live the BDSM lifestyle need to have a mindset that differs tremendously from the average person. We walk a path that adopts outlooks which are not taught in the traditional world. Instead, we are programmed to obey the overriding social mores that are presented to us. Those who break free and enter this way of life, to some degree, cease thinking in the traditional terms.

Regardless of what the general consensus of society regarding responsibility, the fact is that those who enter the BDSM lifestyle must be willing to accept this on every level. This is especially true of those have the dominant quality about them. I see so many who proclaim to be 'Masters' yet are completely ill-equipped to serve in this role. As opposed to be responsible, they fall into the normal mindset of 'it isn't my fault'.

Therefore, for those who seek to live according to the principles of BDSM, it is imperative to adopt an outlook that is contrary to the view of society at large. Responsibility is just on of those areas.

Domination: All Your Fault

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my fault. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

Being a victim is not in the makeup of a dominant. If you are one who falls into this habit, then I suggest you re-evaluate your choice. The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go awry. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A slave is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy slave seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave 'surpass' the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "the buck stops here".

If a slave makes a mistake, it is up to a Master to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to him to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is his fault. And, he is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the slave is not worthy of being called a Master. Ultimately, unlike the self titled people on line, this is something that is earned. Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

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Understanding A Submissive

Many dominants enter the lifestyle believing that they naturally know what a submissive needs. This is an obtuse outlook which creates a dangerous situation. The truth is the only way one can know who to truly dominate is to understand what a submissive goes through. This is something that is difficult unless one truly can experience it.

A View From The Other Side

Does this mean that every dominant should serve as a submissive for a period of time? No, although that might not be a bad idea of many. In fact, yesterday, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was trained many years ago according to the 'Old Guard' protocol. He said that he was 'treated' to the non dominant end of a crop more than once. This experience showed him the value of truly being able to understand what a submissive goes through.

While that method of training has changed over the years, the concept still holds a great deal of merit (I am not saying the old training doesnt but that is a different matter). One needs to be able to place oneself in a submissive's place at a deep level to truly dominate. Having this opposing view will enable one to control and lead with greater success.

For example, do you realize how difficult it is to trust to the degree whereby you are literally handing over your life to another person? Is this something that you could do as an adult considering all the 'baggage' we all carry with us? Consider this idea for a moment and perhaps you will understand why it is difficult for a person who is new to you to hand it all over immediately.

My Situation

I have shared in a number of posts how I was trained by a slave. My story is one where I got into a relationship (vanilla) with a girl who was previously a slave. As with many, her desire to be owned did not wane after leaving a multiple year relationship. Of course, as luck would have it, I was next in line.

Before going any further, I need to explain some of the dynamics. At the time we were living in a small town on the east coast of Florida. This is the later part of the 1990s, so the Internet was just getting a foothold. At that time, the majority of people were not online since that mode of communication still had not penetrated the masses. Therefore, the BDSM culture, at least in our world, was still underground.

The reason I mention this is to illustrate the fact that it was difficult to come across lifestyle people. This is one reason why this woman put the time and effort into me. She found someone with a natural quality of domination and began working on the education and training process. Over the next few years, I was to learn what a female slave wanted. And, for all you newbies out there, trust me when I tell you that a beating and screwing are not at the top of the list. A true slave desires so much more than that. Also, make a note that fear is a terrible way to control. That is a tactic anyone can use.

Psychological Domination

The ability to understand the other person is what allows one to take control. This is true in all aspects of life. "Understand your enemy and you can defeat him" is the adage from war. Naturally, we are not trying to defeat a sub or slave, but delving into his/her psychological needs is crucial.

Online, I see so many who make the statement about getting control of the heart and you can control all. Unfortunately for those who buy into this, I found it to be not true. My experience is that if you can penetrate a sub at a deep level, right down to her core, then you can take over all of her without effort. She will cede control over willingly and effortlessly. But, that level must be attained.

For this to take place, one must be able to psychologically take control. Again, any meathead can use fear as a tactic. This is shallow and ineffective. Psychological control means understanding what the submissive is seeking. What does she get out of her submission and service to you? What are her fears? Where does she feel vulnerable? What does she want? Those who can answer these questions have a chance of reaching the true depths of this experience. Sadly, few have any clue about these subjects.

Growth is an important factor in the BDSM relationship. Masters or Doms who do not continually focus upon this area are apt to lose a submissive. This is one of her strongest needs even though she might term it something different. A Master's duty is to take a person, gain her trust to the degree she gives all over, and help foster her along a path which leads to her fulfillment (notice the term was not happiness...they are two different things). A fulfilled slave is one who has reached the pinnacle of her existence.

One caveat about this idea. For a slave to continually grow, that means the dominant one also must focus attention on his/her own growth. Sadly, most prefer to live by the code 'do as I say, not as I do'. This does not work. If you want your slave to be the best she can be, that is only possible because you became the best Master you could. Resting upon your laurels does not suffice. That is where stagnation comes in.

In closing, these are a few ideas pertaining to putting yourself in the experience of a submissive. While I touched upon the psychological aspects of things, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The psychology field is full of materials that go into great detail about this important subject. Be sure to open your learning up to these seemingly disconnected areas because they will offer you insight into the mind of another. True domination is about a lot more than whips and chains.

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It Doesn't Make Them Right

Today, I am going to write about the length of time people have in the lifestyle and how that affects the interaction with others. Many fall into a dangerous trap of succumbing to the temptation of 'time'. This is something that we need to be extremely leery of.

Experience Is Important

I will state that experience is important. In all my writings, I make it clear there is no substitute for dealing with experience. Those who have 'trudged' the road that you are on can offer valuable insight . Anyone who made mistakes and is willing to share them with you is one to listen to. He or she has the uncanny ability to help you circumvent painful situations. A sign of wisdom is the ability to learn from others.

Experience is commonly a reflection of time. Obviously, someone who is in this lifestyle 20 years will have many opportunities to experience different things. Life and relationships tend to throw many different obstacles in our way. Those who navigate these waters have a story to share. Again, knowledge from a source such as this is invaluable.

Of course, experience comes in many different forms. While the BDSM world is different from the traditional in so many ways, there are also commonalities that are applicable. Many seem to miss this basic point. Interpersonal skills are always important no matter what the structure of the relationship. Those who lack this basic necessity find BDSM just as trying as other areas of life. Therefore, most have a great deal of experience when they enter the BDSM arena.

The Meaning of Time

Time offers one thing: opportunity. Whether a person takes advantage of that or not is a completely different story. Many will be around something for a long time yet fail to learn a damn thing. This is something we need to be extremely mindful of when we are interacting with others in the BDSM arena.

The common scenario is for someone who is new to defer to those who have time. I see this repeatedly online. A new person will make a statement in a forum only to have a more 'experienced' member rebuke that idea. Shortly after, the new person usually apologizes for offending those who are on there.

What is sad about this scenario is often those who are experienced are also complete idiots. As I mentioned above, time gives one the opportunity to learn and grow. The sad truth is that few take advantage of this fact. I presume this is a human condition since we see so many who haven't picked up a book since their formal education ended. However, in the BDSM arena, this can be a very dangerous prospect.

Also, just because a person has time in this lifestyle, that does not make their viewpoint correct. The BDSM world is a wide and varied life. There are many aspects to it. It is impossible for anyone to be experienced and knowledgeable about every area. For example, even though I am at this way of life for a while, I know very little about suspension. It is not a form of play that I personally involved myself in. Therefore, anything I state about this facet will be conjecture. My experience is nil. Time did not provide me wisdom in this area.

Take this concept with you wherever you go. There are many who post ideas that are very helpful. However, these same people might also have some strange viewpoints on different things also. That is part of the human condition. I have yet to meet the person who agrees with my views on everything. So, the old adage 'take what you want and leave the rest' certainly applies. And, for Pete's (whoever he is) sake, stop apologizing if some supposed 'aged' person disagrees with you on something. The presumption that he or she is correct is one you should not take. There is a good chance that person is equally off his/her rocker.

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Tough: You Created The Situation

This is a post that I wanted to write for a while. Part of my dilemma is to deliver the message without coming across as ranting. I will start by telling you I am perfectly calm at this moment. Thus, all that I am writing is devoid of an emotional magnification. There is no anger or upset within me. My sole objective is to get across an idea that I feel extremely important. Of course, in doing that, I know I am going to upset many people. So be it.

Your Life

The simple fact is that you are living your life. Nobody else can lay claim to it. You are the sole proprietor. How you choose to run it is completely your responsibility. Naturally, from my observations, this seems to be a point most people overlook.

I often write about dominants having to lose the habit of blaming, especially when one is an obedient sub. However, this is not the only target of this idea. Judging by society at large, it seems that 'blame' is a favorite pastime of the majority of people. Few truly want to admit that their lives are the results of choices they made. Instead, they run around 'pointing the finger' at everyone who is in range. It is the ex husband fault. Or the children. Or their parents. Or the boss. Or the President. Or the neighbor. Regardless of who is selected, the end result is the person absolving him or herself of responsibility.

So, remember, it is your life and it is up to you to choose how you live. And part of that is taking responsibility for all results you get knowing that you made the choice that put you in that position.

Bad Decisions

Another one of the truths in life is that we all make bad decisions. In fact, most will tell you that the ability to make good decisions is the result of making many bad decisions. We are not handed a 'decision-making' manual at birth. This is literally an exercise in trial and error.

That being said, we need to own up to the choices we make. The fact that we are going to choose some options that are 'less than stellar' just means that we are part of the human race. Everyone does it so get over it. However, the fact that we are all making poor choices does not mean that we can absolve ourselves of the consequences. Part of maturity is knowing that we are still responsible for the outcome.

Victimization

What does any of this have to do with BDSM? The answer to that brings me to the next subject: victimization. This is a natural offshoot of the blame game. Those who continually blame others are establishing themselves as victims. Ultimately, we get a huge payoff for traveling this route in that nothing is ever our fault. By placing the blame and showing how we are victimized, we are able to elicit the sympathy from others.

Now, I can tell you the BDSM community is full of victims. Anywhere you travel you can see this in full force. People are continually complaining about all the scammers, wannabes, pretenders, and assholes that exist online. Now, I am not going to deny the fact of these people's existence or give them any support at all. I think they are trash that needs to be stepped on. My point is that it takes 'two to tango'.

You Did It!!!!

This is a favorite saying of my slave. But the message carries with it a great deal of truth. Those who want to play the victim are, in fact, responsible. All of them need to look in the mirror, point at the face looking back, and say "You Did It".

Here are some examples that I regularly see:

1. 20 something financial Domme got access to the credit card from some poor unsuspecting sub male only to run up huge charges and split.

2. New sub gets involved in a relationship after a couple weeks only to find the guy she 'submitted' to was not real.

3. A man talks to a submissive girl who proudly wears his 'collar' only to find out she has 9 other guys she did the same thing with.

4. A woman meets a guy for the first time in a motel without heeding any of the suggestions about meeting in a safe manner, and finds herself hacked up and disposed of down the drain in the bath tub.

Our poor victims. Actually, all of them deserved exactly what befell them. Remember, they were all responsible for the choices they made.

Here is the truth:

1. What fool would give a 20 something access to anything. If they say they are a financial domme, replace that with the word hooker or scammer. Either way, you are going to pay. Now, if this is acceptable to you, fine. But stop the belly aching when you get cleaned out. You were the one who gave her access to the accounts.

2. There are many posts on different sites mentioning the importance of taking your time, especially when new. This is a world that differs from what most are accustomed to. The BDSM world, particularly online, is wrought with great dangers. There are all kinds of games played. It takes some time to learn how to identify what really is going on. While nobody is immune, it does increase one's chances greatly. But, the suggestions we offer go unheeded. Instead, our new subbie does what he or she wants explaining to us that 'we do not understand'. So who is at fault? The troller who is doing what trollers do or the 'innocent' subbie who ignored all warnings and did what he or she wanted?

3. Half of what you see online is not real. It can be eliminated immediately. This is a world that is called virtual. It can reflect reality but it is not. The Internet is a place where it is easy to maintain anonymity. Anyone can be anything he or she wants. Those who believe everything they are told are apt to get taken. If you believe your one is real, that is perfectly logical. However, if you find out she was just playing games, realize that you were the one who answered her emails. You chose to interact with her (him) and nobody else. Own up to that fact and move on.

4. As horrific as this is, who chose to appear in a motel room with a total stranger? The point is clear. If one is going to throw common sense out the window, then he or she must know the risks involved. Stupid decisions can often be fatal. But, once again, it is his or her responsibility. While I will grant you that nobody should be brutally killed, this person elected to put him or herself in a dangerous position. This fact cannot be overlooked.

Grow Up

The basic fact is the people need to grow up. Children blame others for their ills in life. This is a sign of immaturity. Sadly, many adults have the exact same mindset. Fortunately, I am here with this post to try and snap some of you out of it.

Accept this: unless it was a complete act of nature, you deserve everything you get in life. If you do not like what you are getting, alter it. But stop blaming others for the choices you made.

-You were the one who married him (her)
-You decided to submit to someone after only being around the lifestyle for a few week.
-You were the one who got involved with a new Dom (sub)
-You were the one who allowed yourself to be tied up without knowing the safety precautions.
-You were the one who offered her the collar.
-You were the one applied for the job.
-You were the one who chose to live there.
-You were the one who spent the money.
-You were the one who gave her access to your bank account.
-You were the one who moved three states to be with him.

There was a time when I felt compelled to exert energy to try and protect new people (especially one the submissive side) from the ills that occur online. No more. My experience is that people are mostly too foolish to see what they are doing. Now, my approach is to put the warnings out there through my writing and leave it at that. Everyone here is an adult. If someone tragic befalls one, I feel safe in concluding that at some point she (he) made a decision to put herself in that situation. I do not buy into the blaming of others. Sub, slave, Master, Dom...we all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves. Common sense is a wonderful asset that seems to be at a premium. Those who lack is (or dont apply it) will suffer the ill-fated consequences. And, sadly, they deserve it.

So grow up and accept responsibility.

Bad Experiences: Our Common Denominator

This post might seem a bit uncaring. The only reason why I take this approach is because the message needs to be rammed home like John Holmes forcing his huge member into a virgin. A wake up call needs to be delivered.

The base fact is that we all had bad experiences. Whatever you are dealing with is not unique. Our posting about certain topics comes from experience i.e. we did the same stupid thing you are doing. We warn because it is a case of 'this is what we did and this is what happened'. Most of us were naive enough to believe someone was who he or she stated only to find out later that it was a viciously lie. At the same time, we also know the experience of getting involved with someone who appeared to be something only to turn out to be something else. Falling for lies, manipulation, and cons are part of our track record. We all were there.

However, in each situation we had to own up to the fact that we were the ones making the decisions. Even in a M/s situation, a slave is the one who chooses whether to submit to one or not. It is her choice. If she makes a bad one, that is on her. The same thing on the dominant side. Everything we do in life involves making a choice. And, all those choices have consequences. Since we made the decision, we have to live with the consequences. Therefore, you created what circumstance you are in.

Welcome to adulthood.

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100% Commitment

I wonder how many have this mindset in any area of their life? It seems that our society today is wrought with doubt and uncertainty. Perhaps this is a sign of the times or it is merely are reflection of something that happens all the time; i.e. all times are filled with uncertainty.

Nevertheless, I see so many who approach this lifestyle with the zeal of going to the dentist. Instead of looking at it as a decision which will impact one's life, I see so many who are into 'testing the water;'. Certainly, I do feel that not everyone is designed for this way of life. However, for those that are, it is best to approach it with more than just an optimistic outlook.

Becoming An Expert

Does the average person know what it takes to become an expert at anything? Again, I am being led to the conclusion that most do not. It is sad to see so many waffling through life in general. Yet it is really tragic when I see people doing it within this lifestyle. Something that is the source of so much pleasure turns into a humdrum experience because of an unwillingness to learn.

I wrote a post on my social site the other day titled "Learn. Learn. Learn.". The essence of the post was that one needs to commit to learning about this lifestyle no matter what the point. In other words, lifelong learning is something that is present when following this path. Nobody, regardless of how long around this lifestyle, knows everything. There is always something new to uncover.

Of course, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the new people need to dedicate the time and effort to learn what is going on. So many enter and try to apply traditional methods to this way of life. In short time, they fail. The problem is they never commit to making this a study. Instead, they want to jump into a relationship after only a few days.

Those who want to become an expert at this lifestyle are the ones who find success. Making BDSM a study is a central tenet of my life. I want to know all there is about what people are involved in. Knowledge comes from all areas. Everyone can assist me on my journey. However, it only is that way because I committed to it.

100% Commitment

Most are 'tire kickers'. These are the ones who approach this lifestyle like one does when entering a car showroom. When approached by a salesperson, they reply "We are just looking". Of course, tire kickers do not buy anything.

How does this apply to the BDSM world. The vast majority of those who are 'involved' in the lifestyle are just playing. They are here looking to see what they can find. Some just want to get laid. Others want to liven up their sex lives. Still others are bored and just want someone to chat with. Whatever the reasoning, these people will delve into nothing more than just the basics. They do not care about anything more.

Those who are 100% committed have a much different outlook. To start, they have a built in belief that they will succeed 'no matter what'. This dedicated attitude means that all obstacles will be overcome. Another term for this is persistence. The committed persist even when they encounter assholes who make one want to throw in the towel. They also study and inquire about all aspects of the lifestyle. For example, have you looked into kitten, pony, or dog play? How about diaper play? Needle and blood play? Fire play? These are all aspects of the lifestyle that people are presently involved in and enjoy. Perhaps many of them are not for you but knowing about them is worthwhile.

At the same time, have you studied the psychology of submission and domination? There are many publications in the field of psychology that deals with these subjects. How about the impact of psychic vampires on your well being? There are many people who will drain your energy if you allow them. What about the deep commitment level that comes from being completely responsible for another human being? Have you looked into that and what that requires? These are all areas which are open to exploration.

My suggestion is commit to learning as much as you can about the BDSM world in an effort to see what applies to your life. While there are a great many things that will hold no interest to you, I will surmise that your experience (and you success levels) will increase by having this knowledge. There are so many who are walking around blindly that those who commit to expansion are the ones who are able to enjoy and be fulfilled. Contrary to popular opinion, BDSM is a lot more than just kinky sex.

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The Depth of BDSM

Sebastian Junger wrote a book called War detailing his experiences in Afghanistan with a platoon of 30 men. What struck this man is that, upon returning home, the soldiers miss the field even those it was "the worst possible experience". Many people seem to conclude that people of this ilk are adrenaline junkies who are addicted to the 'high'. The truth is they miss the brotherhood.

Many who have served and saw combat will refer to the camaraderie that developed between the other members of the platoon. Even people who did not particularly like each other, soon forgot their differences when the enemy was in front of them. The truth is that each person knows that his life depends upon everyone else. Nobody exists on a solo platform there. To come back alive, it takes participation of everyone.

The Depth

Can you imagine the depth of these relationships? While I am certain it is spoken about, the feeling is definitely there in the short term. Perhaps it is something that exits a person once he or she returns to the safety of home. However, while in the depths of the battleground, the bond between these people is unshakable.

How does any of this pertain to BDSM? The reason why I mention it is because it is my experience that this is what happens in many BDSM relationships, especially those who are built around the extreme exchange of power. Once an individual truly has the life of another in his/her hands, then that takes the relationship to a deeper level.

My opinion is that BDSM relationships ultimately, when allowed to develop over time, will strike at a much deeper level than a traditional one. The power exchange component is something that is powerful in nature. While it creates an atmosphere of dependence on the part of the submissive one, it also causes him or her to focus attention solely on the needs of the other. This is something that will instantly separate one from the traditional idea.

Love

Many people ask me if one will love a slave. Certainly, I do not speak for every relationship out there and there are many foundations upon which they are built. However, in the vast majority of the situations I was privy to, I do believe that a form of 'love' was present. Now I will state that this is an emotion that I feel differs from the traditional love that exists between spouses. While this can be present, I sensed again that it is something deeper.

Those who study any of the Far Eastern philosophies knows about the Chakras. Using them as examples, I will state that the common belief is that love is located at the heart. This makes sense and many things in our Western culture reflect this idea. At the same time, there are many who proclaim matters of the heart are more powerful than intellectual (i.e. mind) ones because the heart is located deeper in the body. Are you with me so far?

Using this logic, the belief continues to the concept of the 'gut'. It should not surprise anyone that this area is located precisely where all those extra beers reside. For those who do over indulge on a regular basis, then you will not have a problem pinpointing this part of your body. And, since this is lower than the heart, we are taught to 'listen to our guts'.

Therefore, intellect resides in our mind, love in the heart, and instinct in the gut. Traditional relationships operate on the love level (once they get past the sexual stage which is located....well you can venture a guess at that one). This is the creme-de-la-creme. All those people who are deeply in love with their significant other has a deep heartfelt connection. Their love is true.

Domination/Submission

Which brings me to my final lesson. Where does domination and submission reside? At what level do people operate when one enters into a BDSM relationship? Is it the heart, mind, or instinct level? Certainly, there has to be a place for it.

My belief is that power exchange relationships are more powerful simply for the fact that they strike a chord that is lower in one's body. Using the chakra idea, the location of one's domination or submission is at his/her core. And to me, I find that this is located right below the navel at the level of the pubic hair line. This is why I feel that many newer people are overwhelmed with sexual feelings once entering the BDSM lifestyle. If you notice where it is located on the body, it is easy to see why one would misinterpret what is being felt.

Therefore, when one has his/her domination or submission fulfilled, that is a lot more powerful than love. Just like there is power in the heart, I feel there is more that emanates from the 'pubic chakra' (for lack of a better word). We see how the heart is stronger than the mind and the instinct overrides the heart. Using this same philosophy, the fulfillment of domination and submission is equally overpowering. This is what creates the incredible depth.

Multiplies Everything

Obviously we know there are certain qualities that are present in every healthy relationship. Things such as honesty, trust, candor, and compassion are often mentioned. And rightly so. A healthy relationship will have all of these things and more. However, I found that the depths of a BDSM relationship, specifically M/s, multiplies these qualities also moving them to a greater level.

Let us use trust as an example. In my situation, my slave has access to my financial affairs. She utilizes my debit card when she does the shopping for the house. I trust her to spend wisely within the parameters I established and not exceed it. Anything that she desires or needs outside of that is requested for. That is how it works.

You might reply, 'Big Deal. Most married couples are like that.' Well it trust takes on an added twist when you recognize that she is dependent upon me for everything including life's basic necessities. It is my responsibility to feed and clothe her. Her entire paycheck becomes mine. This requires a substantial amount of trust that I will not only provide for her but also that I will not waste it. There are many who are financially illiterate. She needs to trust me that she will be taken care of in all instances.

Obviously this example does not do justice to the feelings that I am mentioning. Some things are outside the bounds of our vocabulary. Thousands of writers have tried to articulate the essence of love without sufficiency. This falls into a similar category. Whatever emotional power love contains, the feelings associated with true domination and submission is proportionately more powerful. To find this out, ask anyone who was in a long term M/s relationship. They will often point to the depth of the feelings and the emotional connection to another person.

I will close by stating that I feel I have the same connection to my slave as the men in combat do to their peers. This journey is one that I am not walking alone. For me to dominate, I need someone who is submissive. And for her submission to be fulfilled, she needs a dominant. However, unlike battle, this is something that continues ongoing. That is the depth of BDSM.

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Society Is Uptight

This post comes from the perspective of an American. I know the views differ around the world. However, the overall consensus is that we are still extremely uptight about sex. This outlook carries over into any type of 'alternative' lifestyle. Anything that is different from the sexual norm is considered taboo.

Sexual Immaturity

I use the term immaturity because that is exactly how I view the perspective that society maintains. Overall, it is sage to say that we operate under a Judeo-Christian mindset. The religious institutions still maintain a great deal of power. Their influence extends into the bedroom with so many suffering from extreme guilt. Religions throughout the ages used sex to control the behaviors of the minions who are following. Consider this: if you can control what someone does in the privacy of their own homes, that is power. And these institutions exert tremendous power.

Few ever take the time to consider what they believe. They are 'Kool-Aid' drinkers to to the nth degree. The Pastor stated it so it must be true. That is their outlook. Religions historically engaged in extreme brainwashing starting at a young age. Hell, if we did that with BDSM and started indoctrinating children at the age of 5 or 6, we would be thrown in jail. But add in a religious element to change things completely.

Now, the point here is not to hammer religion which I could do for hours. My emphasis is to show how people are intolerant of anything outside their belief system. Sexual freedom is not something these people are high on. In fact, they are not lovers of freedom at all. Dogma is meant to do one thing: control. It is the most effective weapon on those who forgo their ability to think.

The bottom line is that sex has gotten a bad rap. It is amazing that something that is so pleasurable and necessary for the survival of the species was turned into an act that contains so much guilt. We see this in all aspects of society. Pornography is stigmatized and 'the work of the devil'. Nudity is considered taboo with people having to fight in court to be able to breast-feed in public (what is sicker than a society that will not allow a woman to feed an infant when needed?). Overall, people want to approach sex like it is a dirty family secret. Everyone knows it is there but few acknowledge it openly.

This outlook reminds me of the young teenager who gets his hands on his first 'girly' magazine. The immaturity level is astounding. To ignore something that is a basis of our life while turning it into a taboo is asinine. But that is exactly how society views it in general. Some are more open minded then others but, overall, vanilla monogamous sexual interludes within the confines of a committed relationship is what is expected. Anything outside of that norm is deviant and perverted.

BDSM

BDSM certainly falls into the category according to societal outlook. Those who enter this life with the urge to tell all about his/her decision quickly realize that open-mindedness is not a strong point of most people. I have seen many who had their families and friends turn away from them simply because of their choice to structure a relationship in a manner which differed from the norm. So much for that thing called 'unconditional love'.

I believe BDSM is a path that many find so as to be true to oneself. Society still believes in the myth of equality. However, many traveled that route only to find it lacking. Many of us do not want to live in a split power relationship. Whether one is submissive or dominant, I find that most 'true lifestyler' are simply being true to themselves. Their decisions are based upon what is correct for their cores. They do not develop this aspect of themselves but, rather, uncover it.

Nevertheless, once again, we see society telling us to go against what is natural. We are told that pursuing those feelings is wrong because to engage in that activity is a 'sin'. So people have a neurotic outlook regarding sex. At the same time, we are taught that there is one path to relationship happiness and that is the traditional one man and one woman. Forget everything outside of that. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and polyamorous relationships are all out. So, too is anything that deals with whips, chains, and paddles. This is not considered normal.

In conclusion, society is uptight about matters pertaining to sex. Remember this the next time you have the urge to tell someone of your alternative lifestyle. They will not be as accepting as you might think. Power exchange is not something that most are taught. Of course, and this is a final swipe at the world religions, what other organization has historically been as sexually biased towards woman and implemented a more rigid power breakdown? Hypocrisy is the word that comes to mind. But, again, that is a different subject altogether.

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There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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