Being Alone But Not Lonely

This idea stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a fellow dominant in the lifestyle. It is something that many in the psychological and self help community refer to regularly since it is the premise of healthy self-esteem. I write about this topic often since it is something that most of society, not just the BDSM community, lacks. It is a plague that stimulates people to make choices that are completely against their best interest.

Being Alone

Many have difficulty in being alone. In short, they despise it. We see this every where we look. People have a need to be around others. Of course, this is only natural since man is a social animal. Therefore, isolation is not our natural state. Those who tend to this extreme tend to have psychological issues. The Unabomber was one such example. He lived in complete isolation for years. This is an unhealthy state.

The reverse is also equally as dangerous. There are many who simply cannot be alone. In other words, a person of this ilk always needs to be around another. They occupy their days with friends and family. While on the surface this looks healthy, when we explore the motivation, we realize it is not. Instead, a person like this is driven by fear. As opposed to being with others for the benefits of interaction, he or she is there simply to avoid being with oneself. And this is the crux of the problem.

Desperation

People who fall into this category tend to make decisions out of desperation. This is something we see regularly in the BDSM community. We typically have one who suffered a serious of failed relationships in the vanilla world. Here, this individual finds the answer to his/her life issues by getting involved in a BDSM relationship. Sadly, instead of finding happiness and fulfillment, one only finds more pain.

Why does this happen? Because the same fear that motivated this person before is still present. It leads one to act desperately. Patience is not high on this person's lists of qualities. Instead, he or she will accept anyone who will show an interest. This is what makes the trollers successful. They prey upon the insecurities of others. Fear of being alone is a weakness that is exploited regularly. Anyone who has been around a while can see the desperation ooze out of people. It is that obvious.

Not Being Lonely

A healthy self-esteem mandates that you are able to be alone without being lonely. This is a worthwhile goal to have. If you are one who finds yourself dreading being alone, it is time that you tend to this defect. Trust me when I tell you that it is causing catastrophic consequences in your life.

Many try to excuse their behavior by saying they are 'sociable'. Certainly there are many who like to interact with others. But, again, we always need to look at the motivation. Oftentimes, it is fear that is making the decision.

When it comes to relationships, being alone without feeling lonely allows one to establish a thing called standards. Desperate people have no standards whatsoever. Instead, he or she will take whatever comes along and shows an interest. This is often the wrong path to take.

A person with a healthy self-esteem will take the opposite approach. Rather than accept anyone, he or she has a clear image in the mind of precisely what is sought. Since this individual is not afraid of being alone, he or she can forgo all those who do not fit. The ability to wait until what one is seeking appears is a power few have. This stems from a leeriness of being alone.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start to spend some time on your own. Get use to being with yourself and be okay with it. You aren't a bad person and using others for distraction is not healthy. Your strength comes from the ability to embrace yourself. There is tremendous opportunity to grow when you are along. Utilize it and you will find things improving dramatically.

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Be Proud

Pride is a dirty word in our society. Few are taught the value of having pride in oneself. Instead, most equate it with being cocky and arrogant. That is not the case. Pride is an ingrained belief about what and who one is. It is respecting the abilities that one has while showing an appreciation for them. Those who are boastful often do so as a means of compensating for that exact thing they are boasting about. This is radically different then 'being proud'.

Who You Are

I tell everyone they should be proud of who they are. Those who buy into shame are apt to be controlled by outside forces. While this might make sense a lifestyle that has control as a central tenet, the fact is that the external forces that I am referring are non-consensual.

Most are slaves to the concepts and ideas of society. Dogma rules the majority of society. People willing drink the 'kool-aid' without a thought about what they are doing. It matters none who is exerting the power, the result is always the same. Enslaving the masses is a goal that goes back to the beginning of civilization.

Governments and religions do this all the time. We see teachings offered up without a thought as to the validity of what is being said. In fact, we are taught that blind faith is an admirable quality. Talk about turning one into a marshmallow. Take away one's ability to think and question and you control them.

Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. They are the ones who resist the Kool-Aid. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.

The idea is to embrace who you are. Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are 'different'.

Pride Within BDSM

This entire conversation takes an interesting turn when we isolate the conversation to BDSM. Remember I wrote that those who believe without question are apt to be controlled in a non-consensual way. That is exactly what happens within the online BDSM community. We see the kiddie doms running around different sites degrading the submissive ones in a misguided effort to gain control. Well, if you find yourself in this situation, use some common sense to salvage yourself.

One who is submissive should be proud. There is no shame in being this way. If you are like many I encountered, your submissiveness is not something that you became but, rather, was uncovered. In other words, it is a natural trait within you. Those who want to look down upon this exemplify the fact that they are clueless as to what this is all about.

Any dominant who thinks that a submissive is less than shows a lack of respect for the lifestyle. The truth is there are two sides to the coin and one cannot exist without another. It is the old yin/yang idea. One needs the other in order to excel. If there was nobody who was submissive, then domination would not take place. Both need each other. While I acknowledge that the power structure is not equal, the fact that it takes two shows that each has a role to play in the relationship.

At the same time, we also see those who want to judge others because of their likes. The simple reality is that there are many different areas of interest. Some want to be used and treated like total sluts. Still others prefer to live as dogs or ponies. Some like diapers (age play). We have daddy doms. Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.

This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.

Having a poor self esteem is a dead end way to approach life. Look within yourself with pride. Whatever your desires, let them flow with glee. This is your life to live as you see fit. If you can ingrain this in your thinking, then the next time you encounter those moronic 'doms' online, you can simply tell them to kiss off. You are worth more than they are offering. This is what a healthy pride will give you. It is there for the taking.

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