Safety 101

I am going to revisit a topic I wrote on extensively throughout the years but is certainly worthy of reviewing. Sadly, it seems that most do not believe or understand the magnitude of what transpires. It is because of this that many have a tendency to put themselves in a position to be harmed in a tremendous way. As always, I will keep using this pulpit to try and spread the sane message even if few are listening.

It Starts With You

Safety is a personal job. Many feel content to turn that responsibility over to the Dom/Master. While I acknowledge that this is where it does fall, the truth is that many are not worthy of this responsibility. In other words, they do not have the skills nor makeup to operate safely. For this reason, a sub or slave needs to assume full responsibility for safety until the other person exhibits the ability to handle it. To skip this step is perilous.

I was roaming around a forum on one of the sites that is often frequented by the pretenders, wannabes, and dregs of this lifestyle. This exercise is always a reminder how difficult it is when dealing with the online world, especially for submissive women who are truly interested in learning more and going further. It is an environment that is wrought with dangers at every corner. Pain, and not the enjoyable kind, is certainly in the future for most. My hope is that it is only emotional and not something more serious. Of course, we all know the stories that end up in the papers.

One of the threads I came upon was written by a know-it-all. Naturally, the inclination is to believe this was a dominant person exhibiting his "superior knowledge" of the lifestyle. It was not. The topic was titled "I am not stupid" and was written by a female submissive who is just asking to be destroyed. Her attitude shows that she has all the answers.

The basic gist of what she wrote was how she tired she is of being told by others (older men mostly) to be careful when pursuing some of her fetishes. Without going into them specifically, she was into some things where she could be harmed greatly if not careful. Of course, the warnings of others was only met with resistance since she was convinced she researched her particular likes and knew what was going on. This "know-it-all" is a predator's dream.

It is important to remember that no matter how careful one is, the BDSM world, especially the online world, is wrought with great dangers. Even the most experienced of us are apt to get "taken" periodically because it is human nature to believe the best in people. We sincerely want to think that the person on the other end of the chat is exactly whom he or she claimed. Sadly, in more than half the instances, that isnt the case. More times than not, the person is either a fake, liar, or outright misguided. Countless stories exist representing this reality.

Therefore, when dealing with the online world, take every precaution that is mentioned. All of the suggestions that are posted are worthy. You can never be too careful.

Psychological Damage

Much is written about behaving in a safe manner when doing a scene. I will attest to the importance of physical safety in all we do. It is best to interact only with those who are knowledgeable about a particular fetish. If one is not experienced, hopefully he or she is willing to train under the guidance of someone who is. This is how one attains the proper ability to act safely.

As important as physical safety it, I believe that looking for the psychological ramifications is crucial. Too many overlook this aspect especially when they are involved with someone long term. The tendency is to get complacent and use the knowledge of the other as a means of predetermining limits for each situation based upon past results. The truth is that people vary day to day meaning that taking this path could cause a lot of pain.

I find that safety often means backing off. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from time-to-time. What do I mean by this? As I mentioned, individuals have their good days and their bad ones. Subs/slaves have those times where they are really into a scene. It is under these circumstances where one is able to move towards or past certain limits. Of course, there are also those days where this person is not "on". Perhaps there is something emotional going on. Or it could be that mentally she has some barriers that cannot be overcome. Whatever the reason, in these instances, a dominant needs to be attentive to the fact that he or she might need to pull back. Sometimes less is more.

It is the same as exercising. We all had those times when we went into the gym and we were "on". In the end, we felt as if we had the best workout ever. At the same time, there were those days when we could not get anything accomplished at the gym. Those are the days we are "off" and basically trudge through a workout.

So what are the implications of moving forward when a sub/slave is not able to. One the surface it might not seem like a big deal. In fact, that person might be okay with what transpires. However, on a deeper level it is possible to cause damage. When one is pushed more than he or she is ready to accept on a given day, the possibility exists for things such as trust to be lost. A sub/slave needs to fell completely safe with the one serving. Betraying him/her by behaving in a manner that is contrary to one's best interest hits a person deeply. This is just one example of how being ignorant to this can affect one psychologically. Of course, there are many of things to be mindful of that I will write about in future posts.

The bottom line is that bruises heal. Cuts will close up. But when you harm someone psychologically, that has the ability to be imprinted deep in the psyche. For this reason, psychological safety needs to be at the top of every dominant's list. This is the most basic thing we need to do.

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Domination: Not Something You Fake

What does it mean to be dominant? We often hear this term but have you ever considered what it really means? How does one recognize domination? What are the qualities? Many of these questions cannot be answered yet we all understand what is meant by the term. And, we also can identify it when we see it.

Taking The Lead

In its simplest form, being dominant means 'taking the lead'. This is a phrase that will encompass all behavior of a dominant on. That person will not wait for approval or direction. Instead, the person chooses the path which he or she will follow. When you couple this with another when involved in a BDSM relationship, the result is the path both individuals will follow.

One component that is critical in this scenario is the ability to make a decision. You would be surprised how many people cannot do this. Instead, they excel at the art of 'waffling'. Whenever a person of this ilk is confronted with a choice, he or she hesitates to decide. Fear of making the wrong decision is the usual motivator in this situation. Of course, by not making a decision, one is actually making it. No decision is a decision.

Therefore, for one to be dominant, he or she must be decisive. Decisions need to be made quickly and with conviction. Personal development experts claim that the best leaders make their decisions quickly and are slow to change them. This means once they decide, it is full tilt forward. Confidence in oneself is imperative. While the fact is that bad decisions are made by everyone, a leader takes into account that he or she will be right more often than not.

Faking It

Many try to fake this part of the process. As opposed to making a decision, many newer people will waffle. This is a sure sign that someone isn't quite skilled as a dominant. Anyone who enters this lifestyle while suffering the perilous trait of mental inertia is doomed to fail as a dominant. The responsibility will ultimately crush a person like this.

The only way to better oneself is to practice making decisions. Procrastination needs to be recognized as the enemy. Those who major in that characteristics also champion the idea of nothing. They will not make a decision to save their life. Instead of choosing this route, opt to decide on every matter before you quickly. Here is where we develop the ability to live decisively.

A submissive type is looking for someone with the qualities that he or she is seeking. Decisiveness is one of those that almost all need to witness. This is how a dominant can built trust. Deciding quickly and emphatically will enlarge a submissive's view. He or she will follow behind when that decisiveness is proven to be a consistent quality. Whenever a dominant one is lacking this, the submissive is left with nothing to do but wait. He or she is there to follow. Without direction, there is stagnation for both.

Newer people try to fake this. Certainly, it is helpful to make decisions immediately when dealing with a new relationship. However, this is something that needs to continue over time. As mentioned, often people are in the habit of being inert. Society doesnt promote decisiveness as a trait for people to develop. The net result is most fail in this endeavor from a lack of effort. Now, when one attempts to fake it, he or she will soon realize the ability is not there. Inconsistency is another sign that someone is not what is proclaimed.

Resolve today to be decisive in all that you do. Whenever you are confronted with a decision, make it. Here is an exercise I often do when I find that I allow inertia to creep into my life. Take out a piece of paper and write down the next 5 things you are going to do. Thing about it for a few seconds then write the items down. Next, go complete those items. This little exercise will help you with you decision-making ability. Do it and do not second guess what is on the paper. Simply resolve to get it done. This is decisive behavior, a skill that your BDSM relationship depends upon.

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Determine Where You Fit In

The title of this is "decide what you want". This is an important process that few consider when entering this way of life. Too many simply read a few articles online and say that they are a dominant or submissive. However, they fail to realize there is a whole lot more to the process than this.

There Is A Wide Spectrum

If we compare the BDSM life to a football field, we see the line between dominant and submissive as the 50 yard line. Figuring out whether one is on the right or left hand side of this line is the easy part. Nevertheless, just like a football field, there is a lot of real estate between there and the end zone.

People who are into light BDSM dwell near mid-field. Those who like the more extreme aspects of the life tend to reside near the goal line. Every step of the way there are people who are located at different intervals. Each person within this life needs to realize there there is a wide spectrum to choose from. It is up to the individual to decide what he or she wants.

Decide Before Getting Involved

I often write that dedication to lifestyle precedes getting involved with another person. Many approach this life in exactly the opposite way. They believe they will learn about the life by getting a Dom or sub who will help them to decide if they like this life or not. To me, this is like getting married before determining whether one is heterosexual or not. Not exactly a sensible approach to a lifelong decision.

We all like different things. The BDSM world offers so much variety that one should look at what he or she wants. If one is dominant, that is only the start. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want to be involved in a 24/7 relationship and assume full responsibility for the relationship? Or are you one who only wants your BDSM domination to pertain to sexual matters? The reverse is true for submissive types. Deciding these factors are crucial to having a successful BDSM relationship.

I find that the thing most overlook is the thought-process of deciding what he or she offers another person. I see so many post online something to the effect "Master looking for slave in city XYZ". Big deal. What is it that you are offering this person in return for his/her submission? Are you one who is capable of managing another person's life? Do you have the emotional stability to be in a relationship of this magnitude? Many think they can operate near the goal line only to realize they belong closer to mid-field.

Another aspect of the mental process one needs to undergo is to compare you personality with choices. For example, there are many who are seeking an extreme, hardass Master or Mistress. If you are a dominant, is this conducive to your personality. Some are naturally harder than others. At the same time, there are many who want someone who is more understanding. This person will not gel with the aforementioned sub. Knowing the type of person you are will narrow down those you will want to interact with in an effort to isolate the grouping that you are desiring. Again, knowing this beforehand will assist you in this process.

Revelations After The Fact

Naturally, this is not to say that people will uncover all there is before opting to move forward with a BDSM relationship. My belief is that a major part of any relationship is growth. People who are involved with each other in this lifestyle should be consistently improving. I do not believe that a relationship that is not growing is destined to last long. People need to spread their wings while taking on new challenges. Within the life, that means experimenting and trying different things.

On aspect that immediately comes to mind is expanding the limits of a slave. A true Master (or any dominant) will seek to expand the limits of the person who is under his or her control. As one goes along this path, he or she will discover things that are liked, and disliked. Perhaps one was closed minded initially to certain fetishes which are desired after experiencing them in real time. The revelation comes from the trying.

Over time, one will see where he or she fits into this life. Some are destined to be Masters while others Doms. There are those who are created to live as slaves while others remain subs. A few tend to go to the extreme while engaging in wild fetishes that few ever embark upon. Most dabble in many different aspects periodically for the pure enjoyment it brings. Finally, many will do things that fulfills their sadistic or masochistic streaks.

Commitment

If one is committed to this way of life, he or she will undergo the necessary self appraisal needed to grow and expand. That is the difference between those who want to "stick their toes in the water" and those who truly want to live this life. Commitment makes all the difference in the world.

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Decisiveness

This is a trait that I do not read much about as I travel through the BDSM world. However, it is something that is vitally important to success. Any dominant person who lacks this quality will see his/her relationship falter.

Being decisive is something that is necessary for success in life. Many self improvement experts mention how crucial this is for those who are seeking to move forward. I know there are many times in my life that I struggle with this. Certainly, this is a tendency that most of us have at different times.

That being said, I believe this is even more crucial in a BDSM relationship. Since we operate on the premise where an exchange of power occurs, the dominant one is enlisted with the responsibility of directing the relationship. Thus, another is looking towards him/her for decisions.

There are times that making a decision is really difficult. We all encounter those situations where we are torn. Sometimes both options look equally appealing with each having pros and cons. A Dom/Master needs to have the ability to choose one or the other. Sadly, this is a talent many lack.

It is interesting to watch people in general make decisions. Have you ever noticed that deciding what to have for lunch is extremely challenging for some? They will ache over the decision for a couple of hours. This is an example of a person who is not truly adept at making decisions. Something like this carries little risk of being "wrong", thus doesn't necessitate a great deal of energy. Nevertheless, people put themselves through tremendous anguish on something so simple. Of course, the problem only compounds when faced with a decision of a larger magnitude.

In life, there is no standing still. One is either moving forward or backwards. The same is true in relationships. People will come together or break apart. This is the reality of life. Thus, one needs to be decisive in making decisions. Taking on the responsibility of the submission of someone else is a tall order. Success requires being able to continually move the relationship forward. This is done by making decisions.

Many seem to think that being the dominant in a BDSM relationship is easy. The idea of having someone under your control adhering to every wish is a fantasy that can evolve in real life. However, few look at the burden one is required to carry. If you lack the ability to make decisions, you will find that your relationship simply goes in circles. Growth is proactively sought out.

Each of us has experienced those times when we could not make a decision. These times see us experiencing the awful feeling of stagnation. Life is meant to be lived in a forward direction. Standing still means we are actually moving backwards. Part of your responsibility as the dominant one in the relationship is to ensure that things move forward. Work on making decisions to guarantee this occurs.

A good place to start, if you haven't already done so, is to decide what you want for lunch. One decision starts the entire process.

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Equality

Equality. Fairness. Justice. Sharing. These are concepts many seek to have in life. Unfortunately for them, we fail to see them in nature. The natural world does not contain these qualities. Yet people still want to experience them on a regular basis.

One of the reasons I believe that BDSM works so well is that it does not advocate these characteristics. Instead, the exact opposite is endeared. Using the M/s relationship as an example, we notice that the fundamental basis is inequality. The breakdown of power absolute. There is nothing equal about the relationship. Master is in charge while slave is to obey. Simple and effective.

Problems arise when this concept is confused. Many humans want to exert power over themselves and others. Sadly, most are incapable. The submissive type has an inner calling to serve. Her desire to be in control is the equivalent of a "temper tantrum". The truth is that she does not want to be in control. If that was her desire, she was not be drawn to this lifestyle at all (at least not as a submissive).

We see this idea in all facets of BDSM. Equality and fairness are invalid. Obedience and servitude are the norm. We esteem the power and strength of a dominant type while also respecting and understanding the submissive. Both are celebrated but for different reasons. And, both are necessary for the other to exist.

When we look at parenting, we quickly see how unfair this art is. Children are not treated equally. They are usually at different ages with varying degrees of experiences, abilities, and behaviors. Each is taken individually. Nevertheless, both are not treated the same. Some are entitled to more freedoms and rewards because of age or achievements.

BDSM has the same concept. Each submissive type is an individual. She cannot be treated the same as another. There are different expectations based upon her background and abilities. I often write that "one size does not fit all in BDSM". We are in an individualistic way of life. Therefore, to look for equality and fairness is not practical. One will be treated how her Dom/Master sees fit.

If this all sounds too harsh perhaps a different way of life is better suited for you. Many seem to object to the reality that I try to convey in my writing. Nevertheless, my goal is to share what happens when one leaves the fantasy land that is known as the Internet. Many are surprised when reality hits them in the face when they move from online to real time. The main emphasis of this blog is to forewarn people of what really occurs. BDSM is a wonderful life albeit difficult at times. Having an awareness going in is helpful.

Start with getting rid of the unrealistic expectations of equality and fairness. This is not part of the lifestyle. My feeling is that those who seek it in any part of their life are disappointed since nature doesnt operate on this level. BDSM is a facet of the world that follows this same model.

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A Small Community

Local BDSM is a small community. You will realize this after being in the lifestyle for only a short while. Many seem to think that there is an expansive world they are about to encounter. The truth is that local BDSM groups tend to be small.

Many who are involved in this way of life also participate in swinging or group sex in some capacity. I find it interesting how I can come across the same people no matter what circle I am interacting with. Before going any further, the area I live in has over 500,000 people residing in it. Thus, it is not a "small town".

While it is refreshing to know people when you meet up with them, it is also thrilling to encounter new people. Sadly, this does not happen a lot. Many who are interested in this lifestyle begin by researching online. This allows them to get some basis before moving into a real time scenario. The next step might be to submit to someone online to get the virtual interaction going. Finally, the two will meet and decide where to take the relationship at that point.

Munches and other meet and greets can be a lot of fun. They can also be clickish and full of wannabes. There are a lot of pretenders out there. Unfortunately, munches are where many can end up. So one should be careful when new.

People who are truly in the lifestyle will keep reappearing. No matter how big the area, the BDSM community tends to be small. Those who genuinely live this way of life do so. Therefore, they will be around after 6 or 9 months. The pretenders will drift away after a short while. Stick with the familiar faces, they are the ones who are true to this way of life.

It is helpful to interact with any new faces that you encounter. However, it is best to remember that the original "friends" may turn out to be the only genuine ones you meet.

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