The Old Way of Judging

"What is wrong with me?"
"I must really be twisted."
"I am really sick."

These are all statements I heard uttered by people as they delve deeper into the lifestyle. For those approach this in the proper way, there are many things about oneself that unfolds. Of course, over time, we might uncover some things which we never thought possible. That is why I really believe that most limits are nothing more than mental roadblocks. Most can be overcome in time. That being said, true limits are also a part of the BDSM process and establishing those boundaries are important.

Society's View

I regularly write about the impact that society has on each of us. We are all products of our environment to one degree or another. From the start, those around us are influencing everything about us. What we wear, foods we like, careers we choose, and beliefs are all dictated by the people who are closest to us. At the same time, the marketers and other power brokers in society lay claim to another aspect of influence. In short, we do not grow up and operate in a glass bubble. Everyday we are impacted by others around us.

This means that we tend to adopt the common outlook of society. Few take the initiative to really consider what he or she believes. Most of us simply 'drink the Kool-Aid' without question. Dogma is powerful because we so readily accept it. Blind faith is something that we are told to strive for. This, in my opinion, is a clear path to slavery (and not the kind we practice in the BDSM world). Every decision we make that is at the request of someone else is giving our power away. We cease being individuals instead enlisting in the collectivism mindset.

Take Back Control

So, what is wrong with you? The short answer to that is 'nothing'. Those who seek a path in the BDSM world are exercising the natural right to decide for oneself what is best. We are all different people. Thus, creating a model that works for everyone is impossible. Even within the BDSM community we see tremendous difference in what people desire. Some are into hardcore degradation and submission while others prefer a much more traditional set up. Whatever your flavor is, the important thing to remember that is it yours.

The key to taking control back from society is to start making choices of what you want and stop judging yourself (and others) based upon those old concepts. Sure, society thinks a lot of things are perverted. It does not mean they are correct. The truth is that it labels things in this manner as a means of controlling your behavior. Introducing taboos is an effective methodology for preventing people from engaging in certain actions. Most want to conform, a step necessary to fit in. Failure to do so means that one risks being ostracized. This is something that most lack the self esteem to accept.

Individual thinking requires a great deal of strength. It is easy to drink the Kool-Aid and swallow whatever society promotes. There is no risk in that other than sacrificing your entire life. Strength means stepping out onto your own path and following it in spite of the opinions of others. The barometer that is used is not based upon old principles but, rather, the truthfulness that exists within you. This is how we can break free from the guilt-driven control exerted by society.

No Limits

I love the term 'no limits'. It is a concept that conjures up total freedom in my mind. Now, in practicing safety in all my messaging, I will state that everyone has limits which need to be recognized. My intention is not to give the wannabes ammunition to engage in abusive behavior. Safety is always a top priority and there is a point where a sub/slave cannot take anymore. That is called a limit.

What I am referring to is the mental state where one removed all roadblocks. In other words, everything is on the table and nothing prejudged. Sure, society might consider it taboo but if it is your thing, explore it. Of course, I will also caveat here to state that mental exploration and actual engaging in an activity are two different things. The point is that most people negate ideas simply because they are closed minded. The idea is to open yourself up to all that is possible.

For example, many are instantly turned off by watersports. I meet so many who wont even entertain the thought. Yet, once the seed is planted in his/her head, it suddenly starts to grow. After a short period of time, one actually wants to try it. This is in keeping with a submissive nature so why not go for it. Society will call you all kinds of names but you need not be concerned with with what it thinks.

Certainly, one might try this particular activity and find it lacking. That is fine. A person is not going to like everything. However, one might also find that he or she is extremely turned on by it. Thus, by passing on the old judgment system, this individual found something that was enjoyable to him or her.

We need to remember that often the limits we established are based upon the old social conditioning that I mentioned earlier. And, an interesting thing to note, most of society's outlooks will vary among different cultures. For example, in the U.S., we are sickened by the thought of eating dog. However, in many Oriental nations, it is a common meal. Since I have never eaten dog, how can I state whether it is good or not. I might emphasize I would never do that but that is a limit based upon my societal conditioning. To engage in that means I am succumbing to the traditional idea of what is considered normal.

This same concept applies to all areas. Certain activities are considered taboo. But, when you really consider it, the taboo is only in existence in a certain time and place. For example, did you know that during the Greek Empire an adolescent boy gained his first sexual experience by being sodomized by another male (now you know why it is called 'going Greek)? Of course, in our culture today, an act like that will get you extended prison time. It is totally taboo to treat a teenage boy in that manner. Yet, it was part of the culture in Greece many centuries ago. Our limit was their commonplace.

Remember this idea the next time you start to question what is wrong with you simply because you get turned on by some things that society tells you are wrong. It simply might not be the case.

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The Absent Dom/Master

Today I am going to write about something which I have seen many discussions on. This can center around a variety of reasons but the end result is the same. How can one be controlled/dominanted in the absence of a Dom/Master? What if the sub/slave is responsible for making decisions in his/her absence? Is this person any less submissive?

The Realities of Life

As we exit the inane mindset of the online players who think that BDSM is all chocolates and roses, we see that BDSM is a choice that does not exempt us from the realities of life. There are certain responsibilities that each of us must fulfill no matter what path we choose to follow. Family, financial, and health are just some of the issues that require our attention.

For this reason, the idea of living "24/7" is a pipedream for most. Few Doms have the financial resources to financially support a sub/slave. We live in a two-income society. Entering into BDSM does not absolve us of facing this reality.

Separation will occur when people embark on their work day. In my situation, both myself and my slave have full time positions. She works for a company that maintains long hours, thus lengthening the time we are apart. This reality stinks but the money she brings in is necessary. It allows for me to move our life forward in other ways.

Many find themselves in the same position. In fact, there are some who are separated for extended periods of time. Many, such as traveling salespeople, are on the road for days on end. This creates a dilemma where the one left behind is responsible for maintaining the domicile. This is where conflicts often ensue.

If the one who is home is the Dominant, is he/she less so because the domestic duties need attention? Or, if the sub is left behind, is he/she less so since other obligations and decisions will fall to that person? These are dynamics that few online consider but is a reality for many in our lifestyle.

What is Domination and Submission

The above questions can only be answered, in my opinion, after one looks at what domination and submission truly is. Many believe it is an act. I do not. Instead, I think both are mindsets that one takes. When one submits, he or she is adopting the mindset that this person is in control. Thus, physical presence is not necessary. It is possible to maintain one's place in spite of physical separation as long as the mindset still exists that of who is truly in charge.

I am a believer that online domination/submission can occur. It is something I was part of and have witnessed numerous times. Of course, there are many who approach this with nothing more than the "role playing" outlook. These are not the ones I am referring to. The ones who exhibit this viewpoint are those who truly commit to the one in question. Therefore, their behavior models that as if the person was there physically. This is the important distinction.

The same is true for those who are involved with people who are absent for brief periods of time. It is crucial that both parties behave is as the other is there. While a dominant might be forced to do the dishes, he/she is aware that the submissive one would be doing it if present. The same is true for the submissive who is forced to handle household obligations. Isnt he or she fulfilling service by handling the dominants affairs such as bill paying, etc...? I believe that is another service at its finest.

As you can see, it is the mindset that makes all the difference. In my case, my slave answers to another during her working hours. This is part of her job and anyone who is working knows we all have people to answer to. It is another one of those realities of life. Therefore, while she is working, her service is given to another. However, she is actually serving me since she is earning money for my household. I was the one who chose to allow her to have a job and am the one reaping the benefits. The fact that she answers to a manager while there does not diminish either my domination or her submission. We both know this. During those hours, she knows that I am still the one in control of her.

Taken into Poly

This moves me into another area of discussion as it pertains to poly. Many seem to feel that establishing a household based upon the old plantation concept is the path to take. For many it is. However, I would caution jumping to this conclusion too quickly.

The overriding belief is that one is going to act as "Mother Hen" for all the other slaves. This was the structure for the olden households where many people were involved in making the house operate. One thing that I like to mention is that these situations were more businesses than personal affairs. Those who were acting in these capacities were paid hands. Or, in the case of slavery, were people who showed the ability to lead. However, the major difference between that and poly (polyamorous) is that there usually was not the emotional connection between the owner of the house, the Mother Hen, and the others under her direction. It was a situation where each was more of an employee.

Of course, there is always a place where an experienced one will assist in showing anyone new the "ropes". In this scenario, a senior slave will have insight into what is required. Sharing this information is vital since it will assist in the transition and make the Masters affairs that much simpler. Anyone who withholds this information from a new one is showing him/herself to be insecure and selfish, thus deserving of punishment. A slave's place is always to make a Master's life easier.

Someone needs to be in charge in his/her absence

This is a false belief that many have when looking at a poly BDSM situation. When the Master is away, someone needs to be in charge. Therefore, the mindset is the senior one should monitor the behavior of the others. If that is the case, then my question is 'who is monitoring the senior slave'? Since the Master is away, who is going to ensure that he/she behaves in a proper manner? The answer is that nobody is.

The truth is that a Master needs to be able to trust one to do the bidding while he/she is gone. This is equally true for a senior as well as a newer slave. The expectation that each will behave as if he/she was present is not unrealistic. Of course, failure by either is subject to the proper punishment. Thus, the idea that someone need to be in charge while the Master is away is foolhardy. The truth is that the Master is still running the show even if not present. The mindset of the slaves should not change simply because One is not there. If it does, then the level of submission ought to be explored. Remember, we are dealing with a mindset here that should not waver based upon circumstances. That is the key.

Absence changes nothing

In the end, absence changes nothing. One who decided to submit is still under the control of another even when that person is gone. Simply because certain responsibilities will fall to that person in the Dom/Master's absence does not diminish the mindset. The actions change out of necessity but the viewpoint remains the same. We also see how the reverse is true. I am still in charge even when I am not present because I expect my slave to behave as if I was there. Altering her mindset shows manipulation, deception, and a lack of commitment to me and this way of life. When she opted to live 24/7, it meant that her mindset was one that put me first and foremost. What she does to serve will change. However, she is still serving me.

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Forging Your Own Life

Society has a way of "brainwashing" us into determining what we need to believe. It establishes what is considered normal, thus creating what is also not normal. We find this in every aspect of life. The truth is, our lives are here to be created as we see fit.

The BDSM lifestyle is considered an "alternative" approach. This simply means that it is not mainstream. However, I feel that more people practice BDSM then do not. While I will grant most are not into total power exchange, the majority experiment with spanking, tying each other up, and other sex games. This all is a form of BDSM. Therefore, what society promotes is not necessarily the truth.

Forging your own life involves breaking free from the conditioning that is so powerful within our different cultures. We are taught from a young age to believe certain things that "they" feel is in our best interest. Sadly, it often is not. Having the courage to shed the "herd mentality" is difficult. Yet, the rewards are well worth it. It is only by actively looking at all our beliefs that we can call ourselves "free".

Why do I bring all of this up? It is simple. Many new people question what they encounter when they approach the BDSM lifestyle. Depending upon what facet they are looking at, they feel that there is something wrong with what is going on inside them. This is evidence of the conditioning. Here is where having the courage to shed the old ideas is imperative.

Society promotes equality. It is a myth that is used to gain control over the masses (I will not delve into this debate at this time but it is something I studied a great deal). BDSM promotes inequality. The exchange of power is fundamental in every relationship that exists. BDSM strays from the norm that exists out there.

BDSM, like most alternative lifestyles, exists within the confines of society while forging it's own path. The same is true for its members. We are everyday people who you encounter on the street. The difference is how we choose to structure our personal lives.

Having a successful BDSM life (or any other life for that matter) requires shedding the ideas that society implements. It is something that many rational adults engage upon. Reflection is a helpful practice. I found that it allows me to identify those areas in which society places me in "bondage". My values tell me that I need to remove those chains whenever I can.

Forging your life starts with your mind. The BDSM mindset is very different from that of mainstream society. Adopting the proper mental outlook will enhance your chances of success in this way of life.

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Mindset of a submissive Part II

In the first post on this topic (found here), I mentioned some of the traits that were necessary to have the proper mindset to succeed as a submissive. The reason I bring this up is because there are many who feel they are capable to living this lifestyle, only to realize they are constantly at odds with the one they submit to.

Basically, a submissive is turning complete control over to the dominant person. Obviously, there is a difference in degrees when discussing subs versus slaves. For the sake of this post, I will take things from the slave perspective since that is at the more extreme end. The depth of the commitment requires a much different outlook than submitting for a scene.

To continue, a slave must be strong. Many think this is an oxymoron but it is in fact a basis for M/s success. If a slave is weak, she (he) will ultimately end up as a drain on the Master (Mistress). Instead of enhancing the life of that person, she becomes a liability. Strength is the ability to weather all decisions and prevail regardless of the conditions. The M/s life is not an easy one. Those who do not have the mental makeup should consider shaping their relationships in a different manner.

Selflessness is another trait that is imperative for success as a slave in M/s. Many think they can be selfless but. in reality, are consistently putting themselves front and center. It is extremely difficult to put one's wishes and desires aside in favor of a dominant. Nevertheless, this is exactly what the lifestyle entails. We live under the umbrella of a total exchange of power. Self serving aspirations will cause difficulty since I have witness the manipulation that can occur when present. There are many times when a slave is not given what he or she desires. It is crucial to remember that it is not about you.

Another aspect that is rarely mentioned but vital is complete and unabridged honesty. This quality is obviously a part of all successful relationships regardless of the lifestyle. However, I feel that it is taken to a higher level in M/s. Trust in a slave is of utmost importance. A relationship is tested when a Master loses faith in a slave. The easiest way to do this is to be caught in a lie. Dishonesty is the quickest way for one to question the sincerity and intentions of a slave. Whenever one does this, I take it to mean that his or her desires are more important. This strikes at the foundation of M/s.

The final trait I will mention in this post is the ability to exert silence. There are times when to speak up and times to shut up. A prime example is when other people are around. I witnessed too many slaves disrespect their Masters but voicing objections in front of others. This is not a slave's place. A slave needs to know when to close her mouth and accept (one of the qualities mentioned in the first post) the decision of the Master. If you do not like how you are being treated, then, if the forum was provided, voice objections in private. Nothing irritates a Master more than being questioned by a slave in front of others. It is embarrassing and intolerable.

Take these qualities and compare them to your own mindset. Do you still think you have what it takes to be a successful slave. If so, wonderful. However, if you feel that it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. Remember, M/s is not better than D/s or vice versa. They simply are two different forms within this lifestyle. Your role is to find which best suits you.

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The Mindset of a Submissive

The mindset that each party has in an M/s relationship is one of the most crucial factors for success. However, I see little discussed online about this critical idea. It seems that many focus on the actions as opposed the mindset one has. This often leads to confusion and frustration.

What is the proper mindset of a slave? This is a question that is almost impossible to answer completely since there are individual factors which always come into play. Since relationships are personal to those involved, it is difficult to offer a list of what is required for success. Ultimately, that is up to the two parties (or more if the situation is poly).

Nevertheless, I can offer some of my beliefs in this area. To start, a slave needs to have the idea of service drilled into his or her being. A slave's place is to serve the Master/Mistress. That is one of the most basic tenets of the M/s world. Service is the idea of making one's life easier. It is a slave's position to handle whatever responsibilities that is thrown his or her way.

Another mindset quality that I feel is necessary is complete obedience. I use the word complete because many seem to feel this is a negotiable issue. Many (if not most) will attempt to engage in manipulation in an effort to "get their way". This is not obedience. Obedience is doing what you are told without question. This is another fundamental difference between BDSM and the traditional world. The total exchange of power means that all decision-making is with the one in charge. Disputing those choices is not a slave's place.

Acceptance is another trait that needs to be developed. There are going to be many times when a Master/Mistress's decisions go contrary to what one desires. This is the way it is. A slave needs to accept that decision while obediently following it. I see too many who take the action yet have offer an attitude that would kill a bear. Everyone within a thousand yards knows exactly how he or she feels. This is intolerable and potentially embarrassing to a Master/Mistress.

Patience is something else that I believe every slave needs. There are many times when a Master/Mistress is off on other affairs. Whether it is work or play, dominant types often can have many areas of responsibility. This is something that a slave needs to accept. The timing of things is another area which is determined by the one in charge. The role of a slave is often to wait until the Master/Mistress is ready for him or her.

Another factor I feel is crucial is emotional independence. I see many who come to BDSM without the emotional maturity to handle reality. This is one of the major areas where real time differs from online. Those who believe online is reality tend to be unprepared for what transpires when they make the transition. Putting one's faith in fantasy is a form of psychosis that tends to receive professional help. For example, we institutionalize those who believe in purple elephants. Sadly, they are as real as many online people. A slave needs to have the inner strength to handle the different emotions that one goes through when living in M/s.

Part two will offer up some other ideas for the successful mindset of a slave.

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