Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental "wounds" should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

The bottom line is that it is a Dom's responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

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Equality

Equality. Fairness. Justice. Sharing. These are concepts many seek to have in life. Unfortunately for them, we fail to see them in nature. The natural world does not contain these qualities. Yet people still want to experience them on a regular basis.

One of the reasons I believe that BDSM works so well is that it does not advocate these characteristics. Instead, the exact opposite is endeared. Using the M/s relationship as an example, we notice that the fundamental basis is inequality. The breakdown of power absolute. There is nothing equal about the relationship. Master is in charge while slave is to obey. Simple and effective.

Problems arise when this concept is confused. Many humans want to exert power over themselves and others. Sadly, most are incapable. The submissive type has an inner calling to serve. Her desire to be in control is the equivalent of a "temper tantrum". The truth is that she does not want to be in control. If that was her desire, she was not be drawn to this lifestyle at all (at least not as a submissive).

We see this idea in all facets of BDSM. Equality and fairness are invalid. Obedience and servitude are the norm. We esteem the power and strength of a dominant type while also respecting and understanding the submissive. Both are celebrated but for different reasons. And, both are necessary for the other to exist.

When we look at parenting, we quickly see how unfair this art is. Children are not treated equally. They are usually at different ages with varying degrees of experiences, abilities, and behaviors. Each is taken individually. Nevertheless, both are not treated the same. Some are entitled to more freedoms and rewards because of age or achievements.

BDSM has the same concept. Each submissive type is an individual. She cannot be treated the same as another. There are different expectations based upon her background and abilities. I often write that "one size does not fit all in BDSM". We are in an individualistic way of life. Therefore, to look for equality and fairness is not practical. One will be treated how her Dom/Master sees fit.

If this all sounds too harsh perhaps a different way of life is better suited for you. Many seem to object to the reality that I try to convey in my writing. Nevertheless, my goal is to share what happens when one leaves the fantasy land that is known as the Internet. Many are surprised when reality hits them in the face when they move from online to real time. The main emphasis of this blog is to forewarn people of what really occurs. BDSM is a wonderful life albeit difficult at times. Having an awareness going in is helpful.

Start with getting rid of the unrealistic expectations of equality and fairness. This is not part of the lifestyle. My feeling is that those who seek it in any part of their life are disappointed since nature doesnt operate on this level. BDSM is a facet of the world that follows this same model.

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Making A Master's Life Easier

The other day I came across a post mentioning the idea of a sub/slave trying to get negative attention. In short, this is childish and immature. It is also manipulative. Any slave who engages in this behavior ought to be dealt with severely.

A slave's exists for only one reason: to make the life of a Master easier. What other job does she fill? A Master is the one who determines how to use her best. When one is feeling neglected and seeking attention, she is deciding how much is appropriate. This is a classic example of topping from the bottom.

Obedience is how a slave makes a Master's life easier. A slave is to listen to the instructions of her Master. His word is law. This is the design of the M/s relationship.

My experience is that a slave tends to insert her will into the relationship periodically. Many seem to be emotionally unstable. It is sad, but this is where much of the childish behavior comes from. Being a Master often resembles parenting; many of the same techniques need to be applied.

In the end, a slave should be always available to her Master. The exception to this policy is when children are involved and she must attend to them. I have seen firsthand where the behavior will not match this concept. Again, this is a disappointment to a Master. A slave needs to remember her place in the relationship. We live an extreme lifestyle for a reason.

This is a simple concept to understand but so difficult to implement. You will find that a slave is often self centered and thinking about her wants. I can only presume this is human nature. Of course, the situation is only magnified when one is in a poly situation. Nevertheless, a Master needs to make it clear who is in charge. Manipulation is intolerable.

To all the slaves that are out there: today, just focus on making your Master's life easier. That is your job.

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Household BDSM Items

Many feel inclined to spend larges sums of money to get into the BDSM lifestyle. A single trip to your local sex shop will reveal how expensive things can get. However, there is a way to start experimenting without leaving your house. The average household has many items which can be used for BDSM.

All these items are ideal to be used to spank a sub/slave. Each item is in almost every home. Look around and I am sure you will find more items you can use.









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Freedom II: Don't Be Stupid

I often write how BDSM is about freedom. In my last article, I mentioned how those who choose this way of life do so with courage. There are many who do not understand this lifestyle, thus those who mention it to their family members risk alienation. My experience is that society looks down upon those who stray from what it considers normal.

That being said, I must forewarn people that living a free life means that we need to void the practice of stupidity. We know there are those who will fail to tolerate our behavior. This can include more than just friends and family. Often, communities will lock people up because it feels that we are participating in something illegal. This is something that all of us need to be mindful of when deciding how much to really reveal about ourselves.

Here is an article about someone who decided it was his right to parade his lifestyle choice throughout town. As you can see, this was met with negative consequences. This individual is now going to spend three years in jail because of his choice.

Obviously, I use this example to show how little understanding and tolerance there is. This person might belong in jail. I have no way of knowing whether he forced women into actions they didn't want to participate in. He might have held people against their will. However, what I feel is important is the outrage among the shopkeepers. They were the ones who first 'dropped the dime' on him. Their intolerance and distaste for the M/s lifestyle (and lack of understanding) opened up the situation where the law got involved.

Therefore, be practical in your approach to BDSM. You must be mindful that the more extreme stuff you get into, the less socially acceptable it is. There are those who seek to do others harm simply because they cannot mind their own business. Again, I am talking about those who are willing consenting to participating in this lifestyle. Those who force others into this are eligible for detention. I will be the first to call the cops on people like that. However, I do not believe the majority of people in this way of life are that way. Instead, they are average people who choose to life in a manner that is different from the norm. Others misunderstanding is not grounds for their persecution.

Don't be stupid. Freedom is a wonderful thing. However, there is a line where your deciding to exert your decisions upon a society unwilling to see your point of view will only come back to harm you. Remember, the numbers are against you. Sameness of thought is the common thread that all societies need to ensure their survival. Ideas that drift from the established norm are stamped out in an effort to maintain order. It has been this way throughout the centuries. Do not put yourself at peril by trying to change a mindset which goes back thousands of years. In the end, you will be the one doing the time.


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The Reward Box

The other day I wrote about the punishment box. For those who missed it, here is a link to that article. This technique is something that can really enhance your experience with your sub/salve. Using negative enticement can be a wonderful way to display your domination and power. This person will really feel the effects of your wishes.

There is another track that can be taken. Like in most areas of life, we always have the choice to use the carrot or the stick. This is basic knowledge in motivational behavior. Each has it's place although neither is absolute. To best modify behavior, a mixture of the two tends to work best. Just like all work and no play makes one ornery, the same is true for a sub/slave. All punishment and no reward will make them testy.

The reward box is the same as the punishment box except it contains actions which the sub/slave enjoys. I like to fill this with a variety of pleasures ranging from the minimal to the extravagant. Over time, as she "earns" a reward, I will choose something from the box. The anticipation at the surprise tends to heighten the experience.

This is a simple way to create another power base in your relationship. Punishments are at a Dom/Master's choosing. So too are rewards. Using each in the appropriate situation will better alter her behavior. At the same time, it increases the chance for you both to get creative with your BDSM. Thinking out of the box is the ideal way to approach this lifestyle. You are only limited by your mind.

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The Punishment Box

Many want to enhance their sex life. When people first look at this lifestyle, they are stunned to find out that the price of "toys" is expensive. It is possible to spend thousands of dollars in a short period of time outfitting yourself with all kinds of accessories. While this might work for some, there is a much better approach.

There are a lot of things in the BDSM world which are free. If you are an imaginative person, your house is presently filled with many items that will enhance you sexual experience. Things such as brushes, spatulas, rope, string, belts, and ice are available in most houses. Consider using the free stuff first before laying out the cash for the expensive stuff.

Punishments are a part of the BDSM lifestyle. There are times when subs/slaves need to have their actions adjusted. A good Dom/Master will approach this with the candor one takes when disciplining a child. A corrective reminder is usually to the benefit of the offender. BDSM is no different.

A way to add some fun to this is to have a punishment box. This is nothing more than a small box containing cards or small pieces of paper with different punishments written on them. When the sub/slave acts inappropriately, he or she is told to pull a punishment out of the box. Whichever is selected is the one the Dom/Master instills.

When creating this, it is best to have punishments which vary in severity. Of course, you will want some that the sub/slave detests. It adds to the excitement when he or she is pulling the card. I often marvel at how the a sub/slave can pull the same punishment 4 or 5 times in a row when there are 15 different ones in the box. The harder he or she wishes for something else, the more likely the same one is pulled.

The punishment box is a great way to dole out punishments. However, it can also be used in your scene. For this, simply write different activities you want to perform on separate pieces of paper and have them pulled at different times. Once pulled, perform that technique on him or her. This is heightened if the Dom/Master is the one who creates the activities. The element of surprise only enhances the sub/slave's experience.

Try the punishment box or variations on this idea. You will be happy that you did.


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Simple Physical Humiliation

In my book Erotic Humiliation, I wrote about the joy of physical humiliation. While this is a broad category with a wide range of ways to implement it, I find there are some basic ways to enhance your BDSM experience.

The entire concept of physical humiliation is to stress the power separation between Dom and Sub (or Master/slave). Many cultures historically have done this so borrowing their ideas offers a wonderful visual.

If we consider some of the Mid-Eastern cultures, they believe that women are second class citizens. For this reason, a woman is not allowed to look a man in the eyes. She walks a few paces behind her "man" as a symbol of the power difference. She is only allowed to speak when he approves it. In short, her life revolves around his wishes.

The same can be used in your BDSM play. While in public, you can have a sub behave in a similar manner. Remove any equality that she might have when interacting with others. Something even as basic as her following behind you will give you a surge of power. It reinforces her submissiveness.

You can do the same thing while at home. You might experiment with having a sub sit at your feet. Or, you can use him/her as a footstool. (Treating another as a piece of furniture is a wonderful way to reduce that person down since it removes the humanness). Finally, dinner can be served to you in the dining room on fine china while she has to eat in the kitchen off of paper plates. If you really want to increase the sensations, implement a bit of puppy play where he/she eats off the floor.

Again, the basic idea is separation of power. Erotic humiliation is designed to make the Dom feel more powerful while increasing the feeling of submissiveness within the sub. The physical aspect of this is fairly simple to do and is rather versatile. You are limited only by your imagination.

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Life Issues

BDSM is a wonderful lifestyle. Yet, it is just that, a lifestyle. For most of us, it is not life. We are still confronted with the same issues that everyone else is.

I wrote about this very subject in my book, An Owned Life. Too many people believe that BDSM is a way for them to escape their problems. Sadly, many get involved only to find out this is not the truth. One's problems will follow regardless of what style of life is chosen.

Many suffer from poor interpersonal skills. This is something that can be overcome by working on one's interactions with others. However, whether one is in a traditional relationship or a BDSM one, the result will still be the same. Someone who suffers from poor interpersonal skills will have difficulty with relationships.

Those who are involved with BDSM chose this way of life for what it adds to their life. Life still happens on a daily basis. We have our share of relationship issues. There are also financial situations which are not enviable. Sickness and death are still part of the program. Anything that the average person experiences, so do we.

The final point that I want to make is that esteem issues are not solved simply by adopting a BDSM way of life. Many new people tend to believe that being owned by another will settle this issue. Nothing can be further from the truth. At the same time, many seem that dominating another will make them "a man". This is equally untrue. It takes a healthy esteem to be able to properly dominate or submit to another. Those who lack it will find their inferiority instilled upon the relationship. This is something that can be overcome if those involved are willing to work on it. However, BDSM will not make up for the lack of esteem.

Do not look to BDSM as the answer to all your problems. Many of us found it to be the thing that was missing in our lives. Nevertheless, this is a choice of how we decided we want to live. It does not absolve us of the other responsibilities of life.

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Systematic Erotic Humiliation

"It is possible to establish a series of activities that all serve to humiliate a sub. As we have shown, everything in this genre is done with the intention of showing the inequality of the relationship while often going against the commonly acceptable ideals of society. A Dom can implement rituals or behaviors into the daily activity of a sub to further impress these points.

The method which a Dom and sub walk in public can be altered to fit this end. In most relationships, people walk side-by-side when going down the street or through a store. This can be amended so that your sub walks behind you. This is more like the Eastern tradition where servants walked behind their rulers. Again, it shows the inequality of the relationship.

I like to have a sub serve my every whim. In addition to preparing the meals, a sub can be instructed to refill your drink, get your shoes, or change the television channel. Being dictated
at is not something that our culture promotes. We are taught self reliance and to take care of ourselves. Having a sub do the most menial of tasks which are easily handled can be humiliating. I found the more absurd the activity, the more the impact was.

You can also take this to another level by having him or her worship certain body parts. It is not uncommon to have a sub kiss your feet in an effort to show his/her appreciation and obedience. The licking of the anus is another activity which shows a sub’s position. Many times, the sub will take a subservient posture when receiving the order and following through. Anytime one is physically lower than another, the concept is enhanced."

Copied from Erotic Humiliation, pg. 45


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Erotic Humiliation: Some Can

The mindset of a sub is vitally important when employing the technique of erotic humiliation. As mentioned in my book Erotic Humiliation, many suffer from psychological issues stemming from childhood. Abuse is a commonplace which too many fail to deal with. They are victims who never were able to get past those situations.

Getting involved in BDSM does not mean that we become psychologists. Nevertheless, it is important to understand how past abuses affect self esteem, self worth, and can impact all the decisions that one makes. Traveling down this road with one who lacks the mental makeup to enjoy it can have adverse affects. The damage caused can be irreversible.

Erotic humiliation is a technique that is designed to enhance a scene. Like much in the BDSM world, it walks the fine line of play and reality. The degradation of a sub is done within the confines of a controlled environment. This is what deparates it from everyday life. The parameters established allow him/her to enjoy the scene while not having the esteem affected.

I ran across a few who will take what a Dom says seriously. This is part of the process through the power exchange. However, a sub needs to be able to separate the scene from other aspects of her life. For example, just because a Dom tells her how worthless she is during the scene, that does not mean it is true in all areas of her life. Nobody is totally worthless. She might be a wonderful mother, successful executive, or tremendous citizen. Nevertheless, during the scene, the Dom might want to enphasize her worthlessness. The fact that it is not true will often allow the sub to have a heightened sexual experience.

BDSM contains a lot of fantasy. We often engage in activities that fulfill people's fantasies. This is one of the highlights of BDSM. Individuals can do things that they would not ordinarily do. Being degraded is something those with submissive streaks often dream about. Making this part of the play scene is a good way to fulfill this desire. Yet, there are those who can handle it and those who cannot. Be wary when touching upon this subject.

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Focusing On Your Business

People in general have difficulty with this concept. I guess the human tendency is to concern ourselves with what others are receiving. We see this occur in school, the workplace, and with children. The common phrase that goes along with it is "it is not fair".

Of course, subs are no different. When dealing with multiple subs, if you are poly, you will find that these tendencies arise quite often. There might be some jealousy between them over the treatment each is receiving. Instances where the sharing and gossiping occurs to the detriment of all involved. Many times these circumstances will model the childish games which occurs between young siblings.

This is all par for the course. There is added emphasis on this when we cross over into the M/s world. There, since the power exchange extends into so many more areas, the tendency for comparing is great. In the end, it is like dealing with a child.

Those of you who have multiple kids will understand this concept. The bottom line is that no parent treats each child exactly the same. That is because no two children are the same. They are often different ages, with non-matching experiences. The maturity level (of the child) is a factor which affects a parent's decisions. Yet, one child is not loved, nor more valuable to the parent. Each are the same in that area.

The same is true for subs. Each has different experiences and training. Also, there are different maturity levels and limits to what each can handle. They all desire to be treated the same yet that is impossible. Some will gain a Dom's favor in certain areas. This is a part of life. Any sub who spends her time comparing herself to her sister(s) is in for a long afternoon. It will put her on an endless loop which she will not mentally resolve. There is no way to justify the situation positively in her mind.

Each relationship between a Dom and sub (master/slave) is individual. Is it best to approach it in that way. Whenever One tries to approach subs collectively, negativity arises. Human tendencies will take over. Be mindful of this when you are interacting with more than one sub.


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The Joy Of A New Life

It is always a pleasure to see new people adopt this lifestyle. Whether it is a married couple who decides to add some BDSM into their activities or witnessing one go into a 24/7 relationship, I am always struck by how people take to it.

My impression is that people who are in this lifestyle spend a great deal of time searching before finding it. Obviously, society does not promote our way of life as normal. In fact, it does all it can to dispel it by calling us names. Anyone who risks stepping outside the "norm" is an oddball.

I have seen so many who are involved in vanilla (traditional) relationships who have no business being in them. It is sad to see the lack of passion for life in those instances. These people followed the course which society claims would lead to happiness. Sadly, for them, it fails to lead to that end. Too many are miserable by being "normal".

Does that mean everyone belongs in a BDSM relationship. No. I have seen many who attempt to live this way of life who really were designed for the traditional mode. Simply, they were searching for something that BDSM was not going to give them. M/s as an example, takes a certain personal makeup to succeed. It is something that comes from within. Too many people try to adapt to this way of life. My experience is that it doesnt work that way.

That being said, when one who is designed for this way of life does find it, watch out. It is one of the most heartwarming things to witness. People are like kids at Christmas. Their eyes are opened to the wonder and awe which this lifestyle can offer. Many get the sense of finally "coming home". The freedom experienced is indescribable. It is something that I love to witness.

It takes a great deal of courage to throw off the shackles and try this way of life. Those who break free from their old life to enter this are commended for their decision. And, it is a joy to watch.



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Retraining

Just as every sub is different, so too is every Dom. We all like different things. What is acceptable to one Dom might be unacceptable to another. For this reason, a sub, especially in the M/s world, might need to be retrained for her present Dom.

Let me start by saying that everyone needs some retraining of sorts. People come into this lifestyle with all sorts of ideas. They will vary as to their applicability to that particular Dom. Even new subs has ideas based upon their readings which might need to be evaluated.

The worst situation I find is where a sub was "abused". Unfortunately, there are many in this lifestyle who are pretenders. Because of their lack of concern for the well being of another, they tend to cause much damage. This often leaves a sub completely unsure of herself and her place. Many are so "gunshy" it takes a lot of effort to unravel the dehabilitating thinking. In my book, An Owned Life, I discuss how the psychological damage is often much worse than the physical.

Pretenders are not the only abusive individuals that subs encountered. Child abuse, whether physical or sexual, is an epidemic. I have no idea what the percentages are, but it seems that at least half of all that I encounter suffered some type of abuse. This can cause great havoc if a Dom is not careful. Thoroughly exploring a sub's background before entering a scene, or relationship, is warranted.

An experienced sub will get with a new Dom typically believing that her training was the proper way to do things. Situations like this require a lot of patience on the Dom's part since He must untrain her first. Punishment is not always the proper course of action since she is doing what she thinks is proper. It is how she was taught. And, perhaps, that is how her old Dom wanted things done. Retraining is of great importance.

It would be great if a sub came to Us as a "blank canvass", ready to be molded by us. In reality, everyone has experiences which they draw upon. It is up to Us to guide her through the proper training so she can best serve. Often, there is as much unlearning as learning. Nevertheless, with persistence any setbacks can be overcome.


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Servitude

Those who do not have a desire to serve will never comprehend one's desire to submit. This is a simple fact. Just as a non-alcoholic will never understand an alcoholic, so too do Doms and subs operate on different levels. I feel this separation is enhanced when moving into the M/s realm. There, because of the absolute power exchange, one's desire is fully realized.

Servitude is a subject that is downplayed in the Western cultures. It certainly is not something glorified. Those who are employed in these fields are looked down upon. We esteem athletes, movie stars, and business leaders while degrading those in the service sector. Somewhere along the way, the idea of serving lost its nobility.

Nowhere is this more truthfully than the modern "housewife". For those fortunate enough to rear her children full time, this is as good as it gets. There is no more important job in the world. However, even people who are in this position feel embarrassed. I remember meeting a woman like this once who replied when asked what she did, "I am just a housewife". Even she was embarrassed by her lack of an "admirable" position.

The BDSM world sees subs who want to serve. Yet this causes confusion because it goes against cultural norms. Because of this, many feel that a sub is "less than". I talk about this in my book An Owned Life. There is nothing more esteemable than someone who follows his or her inner desire to serve. Those who choose to live 24/7 in the service of a Master are the ones who really delve into what they want from life. Nevertheless, many feel this person should be degraded.

Being a sub/slave is not a position of weakness. Many of these people are strong. In fact, I have seen many Doms who were weak but for their position as a Dom. It is important to realize a Dom cannot fulfill His needs without a sub. There is no way for one to exist without the other.

Servitude is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of the greatest people in history were servants. This is true for religious and spiritual leaders as well as other famous historians. Mother Teresa is a name that comes to mind.

Subs are cut from this same mold and are worthy of the respect for the service they provide. A Dom need not put her down to make Himself feel more self assured. If you are threatened by a sub, perhaps it is time to work on yourself.

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Fear of failure

The fear of failure is a natural tendency of all human people. This is not something that is monopolized by those in the BDSM world. When people are new to anything, they usually question their ability to succeed in that endeavor. Questioning is a commonality that the human condition is afflicted with.

How does this relate to BDSM? Simple. I see so many people question whether this is something for them. To me, this is a worthwhile exercise to go through. I believe all need to search within to determine if this is truly what is desired. There are so many different emotions and changes that it is practical to ungo this ritual.

Nevertheless, I see too many people fall victim to the fear of failure. They are worried about not being enough while making mistakes. It is sad to see because nobody is perfect. Everyone will fail periodically. This is equally true for Doms as well as subs. Mistakes are a part of life and how we often learn. Used properly, they can be wonderful experiences in the long run.

This mindset tends to be more commonplace for subs (for obvious reasons). For whatever reason, they feel they need to be perfect for their Doms. To me, this is adding a layer of pressure which is not warranted. There is enough to deal with whenever anyone makes a change in lifestyle without complicating things.

To start, everyone is different. I say this to put all subs at ease. As you all know, I am poly. That means I am involved with different subs simultaneously. I can tell you each is an individual and gets dealt with on that level. No two are the same. Each came to me with different backgrounds, experiences with pillows and paddles (inside joke), likes/dislikes , and knowledge about the lifestyle. I am a believer that there is no "one size fits all" methodology. We are dealing with people. That makes this an art more than a science.

Part of my responsibility to all those I deal with is to train them in the way that I like things to be done. Like subs, each Dom is different. It is unfair for anyone to expect a new sub to know how to interact with a new Dom. It is His responsibility to teach her. And, a Dom needs to have the expectation that a sub will make mistakes. It is part of the process. The important factor is that she learns.

Of course, the depth of the relationship is critical in determining how the interaction occurs. Obviously, if two are together only for a scene, there is less likelihood the sub will make a mistake (there is still a great chance of error on the part of the Dom). If, on the other hand, the two are involved in a relationship of some sort, then there is the ability to disappoint through mistakes. Yet, expecting perfection on the part of either person is unfair and totally unrealistic.

The BDSM world is different in many ways. However, there are some basic interpersonal skills which equally apply to this way of life as any other. If someone has unrealistic demands/expectations, then there can be difficulty in the relationship. Just because there is an exchange of power unlike any other lifestyle, that does not mean that people stop being human. Allow people the latitude to be who they are. It will lead to a happier experience for both of you.

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Finding the right one

Is there such a thing as the right One(one)? I hear many who come into this lifestyle who are seeking that right person. To me, this is a loaded question which necessitates some unraveling. As with anything in the BDSM world, there are many facets to explore.

The first is in the area of romance. Are you getting into this lifestyle with another person or are you presently in a committed relationship which you are looking to expand? This is an important matter. If you already found the one with whom you have that heart connection, then that aspect of the relationship is taken care of. However, there are those who seek BDSM as a way to fulfill that void in one's life. This can be a risky proposition since there are many involved in BDSM who arent seeking that committed one-on-one relationship. This is something that one should look at before getting into this way of life.

Another thing to explore is the different personalities you come across. Just because One is a Dom does not mean that person is the right Dom for you. There is more to a relationship than sex and play. What are the similarities that you both share? Is there a common ground that you both share? Are you seeking 24/7 when the other person is looking for a "playmate" (or vice versa)? Look are these issues to resolve what your desires are.

The final point I want to mention is the concept of "test driving". We do it with cars. The same is true for clothing. In the traditional world, a test drive is commonly referred to as "dating". How many people marry the first person they ever go out with? Very few. Most try out different people before settling with the one whom they make a life commitment to. Of course, half the time that ends in divorce thus making the marriage a test drive.

My point is that the first Dom might not be the best one for you. It is not uncommon for people to be involved with different people over the years. There are personality conflicts to take into account. Also, one must consider the experience of the other person. I have seen instances where a sub needed more than a Dom could give over time. She grew, he did not. Hey, it happens. The idea is to enjoy the time you have and to find what makes you happy.

As I like to say, this is not a "one size fits all".

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There are plenty of fakes

This is a topic which pains me to write but it is something that needs to be said. I consider this sort of a "public service announcement" for those who are new to this way of life. Hopefully, these words will save one from enduring some unnecessary pain.

People who approach this lifestyle often do with fascination and excitement. We all remember the wonder we had when we first learned that this world existed. That being said, these same people are also somewhat impressionable at that time. This is where people who are looking to play games usually can be found. The "pretenders" prey upon those who know little. They cower when confronted by someone who knows what this way of life is all about.

Remember these words: there are plenty of fakes. This is especially true for those who like to meet people online. The Internet offers a wonderful means by which one can create any persona he or she wants. Past experience matters little since there are few opportunities to show proof. The games that are played range from the absurd to the outright dangerous.

If you read my other posts, you know that I believe this lifestyle is not about sex although that is part of it. At the same time, it is not about control although that is a large aspect also. It is about two people fulfilling internal needs based upon their basic core makeup. A Master/Dom is that way because of something within him (or her). At the same time, a sub/slave is submissive because of that same core makeup. Finally, we are not here to abuse or be abused.

Pretenders know none of this. Instead, they are constantly looking for those with whom they can score. The idea of dominating is have one do whatever he wants. Basically, they are looking for a slut who will never say "no". They never approach the deeper levels of domination or submission since they dont realize they exist.

At the other end, there are those who claim to be subs/slaves yet are actually after something different. The idea of submitting is appealing although I tend to believe those who are pretending do so because of a lack of attention in other areas of life. This is how one gains her esteem. It is not the lifestyle that is appealing as much as the idea of someone taking interest in her (or him).

Of course, I am making sweeping generalizations here. The point is that those who are true to this lifestyle will emerge if you are patient. You might need to weed through lots of "bad apples" before you find One who is real. The same is true if you are seeking a sub. Many claim to be but few are. There are thousands of chatrooms filled with pretenders as we speak. They are all over the place.

The Pleasure of Pain

Many find great pleasure in experiencing pain.  This is one of the major draws to the BDSM lifestyle.  People who want things to "get rough" are often looked at oddly when in traditional relationships.  However, that is par for the course in the BDSM world.

Not everyone is into pain.  Just because one decides to enter this way of life, that does not mean he or she is into pain.  Yet, many enter with a curiosity about it and how it will fit into their lives.  This is where One needs to be careful.  A good Dom (Domme) will do what is necessary to take a sub to his/her limits while avoiding permanent damage.  I have seen it more than once where One went too quick, leading to adverse consequences.

So, how does One go about this?  In my opinion, it is something that should be taken slowly (when dealing with someone new).  Communication is extremely important.  Obviously, the safe word is one of the first indicators that One went too far.  This allows the sub to stop the scene when it becomes too much.  However, a sub might not always be aware of what is happening.  The monitoring of the situation is paramount.

I like to start with a simple paddling to get a sub accustom to the physical sensations.  It is easiest if it done during sex since this combines the pleasure and pain aspects.  A hand is the most commonly used "item".  I would surmise this is how many begin their BDSM quests.  

Next, I might add a spatula to the mix.  This leads to a striking of the ass to incur the same sensations as the hand (except it hurts me less).  Adding a foreign object to the mix tends to heighten the scene in my experience.

Striking the same area repeatedly will give the "burning" sensation.  The impact need not be too hard.  It is equally effective to strike the same area with moderate power.  Under this scenario, the sub will feel the heating up of the skin.

Many of you know that one of my favorite toys is the riding bat.  This is a tool that can be used with great precision.  I found it most effective when it strike the same area with quick repeated blows in sets of five.  This is true whether I an hitting the nipples, ass, or clit.  Subs find the sensation to be intense.  Also, I further heighten it by resting for a few seconds then going back to the same spot.  This keeps the spot aflame (not literally for all you pyros).  You will actually feel the heat when touching that area with your hand.

Pain is a wonderful facet of this life for many.  Anyone who has dealt with a pain slut knows the pleasure he/she derives from being whipped.  There are many different ways to accomplish this task.  Yet, remember, safety is allows at the top of the list.

Individuality

If I said it once, I said it 1,000 times "everyone involved in BDSM is an individual and there is no one size fits all". It is astounding that people think there is a particular model that needs to be followed. If that were the case, shouldn't we apply the same standard to traditional relationships. To go one step further, please show me the handbook on marriage. There is not one. Marriages are successful when two individuals create an arrangement which works for them. BDSM is the same way.

Many choose to focus on the sexual aspect of this lifestyle first. Starting here, it is imperative to understand that not every Dom likes the same thing sexually. Some are into anal, others detest it. Some like poly, others monogamy. Some share their subs out, others do not. As you can see, the preferences vary from each person.

The same is true for subs. The easiest example is those who like pain versus those who do not. Obviously, the approach to each of these differs depending upon which type you are dealing with. Typical punishments with a pain slut will prove ineffective. The lesson on this type of individual might be lost if you decide to whip her. Instead of a punishment, she has received a reward.

We could extend this conversation to all aspects of the BDSM relationship. Every part is an interaction between two people. Just because something was effective (or enjoyable) with one in the past, does not mean that it is true for the present relationship. My suggestion is to take each one as it comes.