There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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Direction

Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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Respect For A Master

It seems to me that many believe the only qualification to be a Master is to establish a profile in a chat room (with capital letters) and say that you are a Master. This means that anyone who is a sub is automatically required to show you respect. It is something that comes along with the position. Once again, virtual strays from reality.

I witnessed this same behavior at munches. Any fool can show up and claim to be a Master. Thus, he expects people to respect his position. It matters little that this person never was in a M/s relationship nor have any knowledge about our lifestyle.

These scenarios are played out everyday. Let me ask you a question: does someone deserve the title "Doctor" just because he or she says so. Of course not. The title is acquired after years of schooling and passing the proper testing to receive certification. The same is true for attorneys, accountants, and reverends. Before one can call oneself something, knowledge and experience is required.

My journey into the chat rooms are always for research purposes. I am amazed how people think what they are doing is real. I see sub calling every dom in there Master. What is that? How many Masters does she have? The only ones who call me Master are the ones who submitted to me. To all others I am Sir. That is showing respect for the position without disrespecting the one who actually owns her.

So, why do people refer to another as Master without knowing if that person is worthy of that title? This shows the online insanity that exists out there. Would you go to a doctor without knowing if they had the proper certifications to practice medicine? Would you give one who only thought about going into medicine two days ago the title of doctor. Most likely not.

The bottom line is that respect is something that is earned through actions. I can claim to be whatever I want to be. However, to earn respect, especially from another who is in that field, I better know what I am referring to. The same is true for the M/s world. Trust me when I tell you that those who are real time Masters can see through many who are pretending. Virtual is not reality. Reality starts when you are in the same zip code.

My message today is to resist the temptation to pay homage to someone just because he says he is worthy of it. If you encounter one who demands that from you in a chat room, simply ask him to list his qualifications as a Master. You would like to know how many have submitted to him and consummated the relationship by actually getting in front of him in person. Also, you are interested when he first got into the lifestyle and what lessons he learned over the years. Finally, ask him how he transitions from online into real time. Then, if you are provided satisfactory answers, then you will show him the respect that a Master deserves.

By the way, if you see me in a chat room anywhere, you can refer to me as Dennis. After all, it is my name.

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Would You Buy A House...

from someone you met in a chatroom? To further complicate matters, would you do it sight unseen with no human contact with that person whatsoever? This idea seems absurd when one thinks about it for a short while. However, are the decisions people make each day about online romance/lifestyles any different? Aren't they doing exactly the same thing in effect?

Why wouldn't you buy a house under the aforementioned circumstances? What would most concern you? Obviously the notion of getting ripped off would cross your mind. The fear that the person is less than truthful is prevalent. The roof leaking, the neighborhood, and the square footage are all areas of importance. Regardless of what one is told, it is impossible to know if it is being accurately represented.

Online interactions of a personal nature carry the same connotation. How do you know the package is being accurately represented? I could say I am in Nevada while living in Chicago. My height of 6'1", 195 pounds of muscle turns out to be 5'7" 225 pounds of flab. The pictures I showed you are really my brother-in-law. And I really work at 7-11 instead of being a brain surgeon. Of course, it is easy for me to create the image that I want you to see. Without human interaction, it is doubtful you will be able to call me on it.

I see this occur in the BDSM world frequently. People seem to lack common sense when approaching this lifestyle. The gullibility is astounding. Some will take whatever another says as it is fact. Sadly, it rarely is. My belief is that 90% of the online interactions are bullshit. At least one party is lying. There are some online who are completely honest and upfront. That is the minority. Chatrooms are full of people who are trying to "get their rocks off" by pretending to be something they are not. This extends to all styles of chat, regardless of the lifestyle.

My message today is to be careful and do not get too caught up with the one that you are chatting with. That person most likely will turn out to be less than he/she professes. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble but better now than later. Eventually the truth will come out. Look for signs that tell you this person is lying. Does he/she only contact you at certain times which seem odd? (For example, he is only on after 11:00 at night when you know he ends work at 5:00) Is there resistance to move the relationship offline into a real live interaction? These simple acts should be warnings that something is amiss.

If you are protective of your money from swindlers, why wouldn't you have the same approach with matters of your heart? The situation is especially compounded when you consider that children are also involved. Why would you subject them to something that is built upon fantasy? Many like online because it gives them the anonymity to create a persona as they desire. Unfortunately, this usually causes heartache and misery to the one on the other end.

Please be careful.

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