Social Ineptness

A square peg does not fit into a round hole. Two immature people will not carry on a mature relationship. And someone who is socially inept cannot succeed in BDSM any better than they could in the traditional world. This is a simply fact.

Look At Their Lives

Have you ever noticed many of the people who seem drawn to the BDSM life? Let's just say they are not exactly arriving to this way of life on a winning streak. Their lives are a total mess and, in short, failure was met at every turn. However, they encounter the power exchange philosophy and suddenly all problems are solved.

Of course, anyone who is around a short while knows this is sadly untrue. Many find the same problems within this life that existed outside of it. The BDSM relationship is still a relationship which means it requires the same skills necessary for success in other areas.

Interpersonal skills are something that many seem to lack. I believe part of this is due to living in the "age of the Internet". People do not know how to communicate anymore. Instead, their abilities revolve around typing into some type of electronic device.

Success leaves clues; and so does failure. I met people who were married 5 and 6 times. I often wondered if perhaps these people werent cut out for marriage. One or two divorces because you married the wrong person is highly possible. Above that and it is time to start looking at oneself.

Why do I mention all this? My reasoning is the character of a person shows through in all that he or she does. Whenever encountering someone new and trying to determine how they fit into the situation you are presently, take a look at the whole picture. If their life is a complete mess, the odds are that you will be added to the shit pile.

The Ability To Get Along With Others

Some many have issues here. Why cant people get along? I witnessed this a number of times with the people I was involved with. It is really sad to watch "adults" behave like children. Petty jealousies come out and people are vying for "what is theirs". Incredibly, this happens online as well as in person. People who dont even know each other, live on opposites sides of the planet, will get into heated arguments with characters and a font on a screen. They cannot even interact with someone in the virtual world.

Why cant people get along? Often, it is because they take everything personally. Thin-skinned is an epidemic among most of the population. This often leads to rudeness and character assassination. Carry this out a number of decades to see how these people end up lonely and jaded. If you doubt this, visit a nursing home to see some of these types of people. It is really sad.

Self-Absorbed

Many people are simply self-absorbed. They cannot see others around them because they are too focused upon themselves. This is another epidemic and one that is proven by watching the driving habits of some people. It is common for one to cut another off so bad that an accident is almost the result yet the perpetrator has no clue what happened. This is taking this concept to a dangerous level.

Being involved in the poly world, I see these same traits exemplified on a routine basis. My experience is that V arrangements are the preferred route since triads are so hard to establish. People simply cannot get along with each other. Instead, cat fights arise over the most minor issues. This leaves the poly one (the Dom/Master) left to sort things out. Talk about being in the middle of two opposing forces. Each side has its own agenda which ironically doesnt match up at all with what the other wants. Incidentally, it seems that the needs and wishes of the Dom/Master are the last things considered. Putting his happiness forth is easy to say but so much harder to do.

In the end, many want to play Mother Hen. They are happy and obedient when they are able to boss others around. However, have another come in who "invades" her turf and watch out. Everything mentioned in this article will come to fruition. The lack of ability for people to be able to interact like adults means that everyone loses. Relationships are regularly destroyed because of social ineptness.

Remember, BDSM is not a cure for all that ails you. It is not the magical elixir that will soothe all the wrongs that you or others committed in life. Do not believe that this is the missing link that will suddenly make your life successful. BDSM is simply a way that we choose to structure our relationships and lives. The key thing to keep in the forefront of your mind is that we deal with all the same issues as everyone else. If you are one who is unable to handle life situations such as death, illness, finances, and responsibility, then entering into a BDSM relationship will only add to your misery. I might suggest that you seek to develop your interpersonal skills before going into this direction.

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3rd Wanted-True Poly

This is something that is plastered all over the internet in various forms. "Sub/slave wanted to join couple". "Another woman wanted for poly relationship". "My alpha slave wants a beta slave".

It seems that every second or third advertisement is promoting the desire to find another woman to join their poly "family". Certainly, this is one of the freedoms of the BDSM life and, since more women are bi, it only makes sense.

But, what are these people really seeking? Are those who claim to be poly actually that? Or is it more of the "kinky sex" barrage that we see so common among the online players.

BDSM Is More Than Sex

This is something that you see me write about in every few posts. I believe this is the biggest misconception among those who are just learning about this way of life. The images that are promoted online lead people to conclude that BDSM is all about tie people up and whipping them senseless. At least that is the impression given off by the professional website seeking to sell their products.

Of course, my regular readers know how much I detest this idea. Sex has its place in a BDSM relationship just like it does in the vanilla world. However, like there, few relationships are made up exclusively based upon sex. There are so many other areas to a relationship than just the sexual arena. In fact, I found that sex is the easiest part of all relationships. It is the other stuff that makes life difficult.

Domination

Being a dominant is not an easy road to trek. Anyone who has experience within this aspect of the lifestyle knows that it is wrought with lots of pitfalls. Personally, I made more than my fair share of mistakes. Sadly, it is something that I continue to this day. Being a dominant is a continual learning experience. Every situation is different and requires consistent diligence if one is to be successful.

As mentioned, the sexual arena tends to be the easiest to handle. When I see those advertisements seeking another live-in slave, I question whether the dominant is aware of what he is in for (I will stick to the male dominant role in this post). So many online fail to truly grasp the enormous responsibility that comes along with being a Dom/Master. Having one's life in your hands is something that takes years of practice and daily commitment. It is not as simple as just accepting someone's submission. The online world really blurs the magnitude of the responsibility that is faced by people in real time.

That being said, having one under your control is tough enough. Add another one to the mix only compounds the problems on a large scale. Instead of having to manage one relationship, a Dom/Master in this instance is forced to run three relationships. Oftentimes, the most difficult relationship is between the two slaves. This is where personality conflicts tend to manifest themselves the most.

The Alpha Slave

Many believe their solution is the "alpha slave". This is the idea that the first slave becomes the "lead slave". The new added one is to act as the beta slave following the dictates of, not only the Dom/Master, but also the other slave. Here is where I begin to see difficulties immediately.

To start, what is the qualifications of the alpha slave to dominate? Is she a switch who was only serving in a submissive role? If that be the case, then I presume it can work. However, if she is truly submissive, her foray into domination will be a total wreck.

One cannot serve two Masters. This is a saying that goes back centuries and applies to many areas of life. It is equally applicable to the BDSM world. Now I realize there are many who take exception to this idea but it is my experience that it is true. Someone has to be in charge and that is the leader of the family. Too many leaders will leave you with no indians.

I believe that an alpha slave is just a term designed by people who want the title of "slave" without having the willingness to earn it. Being a slave requires a total commitment to working on surrender. It is not a one time event. Those who want to dictate to others what they will and will not do are not slaves. Alpha slaves appear to fall into this category in my opinion.

True Poly

There is no inherent preferential relationship in a true poly situation. This is a misnomer of the poly world. Some believe in the concept of primary and secondary relationships. This is incorrect since there is an inherent inequality among the two relationships in their design. Obviously, under this scenario, the primary is more important than the secondary. To me, this is simply the adding of a playmate to an existing relationship.

True poly is the addition of another relationship that is established on equal footing with the other. Naturally, inequalities will arise based upon knowledge, personalities, locality, and abilities. No two people are created equal and one will be served in many different ways. Thus, one slave might provide more valuable service to the dominant one because of some of the aforementioned factors. However, these are not inherent inequalities established with the relationship. It is the ability to serve that creates the difference.

Children

When one truly is adding another to a family, it is similar to the addition of another child. Can you see parents establishing a hierarchy among their children by calling one "primary" and the other "secondary". Of course not. They love each child equally with difference being based upon individual abilities. Older children are able to handle more responsibilities thus receive more benefits in that area.

A poly family operates in the same manner. The addition of another should not be based upon a hierarchy. This is why many relationships are destroyed before they even begin. Show me a situation where this exists and I will share with you how it will end. Anyone who serves in a dominant role when creating a poly family needs to be aware of each person's needs. No two people (subs/slaves) are the same. Each will have different desires. Happiness is met when the majority of these desires are fulfilled.

Teaching

Growth is a vital component to any relationship. It is something that is magnified in the BDSM world in my opinion since we operate in a manner that is so different from what people were raised with. Mainstream society does not promote the ideals that we hold true. Therefore, whenever someone is new to a situation, there is a period of adjustment. This is where the first slave can assist the newer slave.

Many Doms/Masters have a particular protocol that is unique to them. In fact, I would say that all dominant types have a different way of doing things. For this reason, a submissive is responsible for learning exactly what that person is seeking. One who dealt with a Dom/Master for a while will be aware of his tendencies. She can share her experience with the newer person to foster her growth. In the end, this will make the head of the family happier since the transition is lessened.

Therefore, the "alpha" slave can act as a teacher for the newer person. However, this does not make her dominant. The only reason she has a higher position is her familiarity with that particular Dom/Master. She is not a dominant figure and her knowledge advantage will dwindle as time passes. That is when individual ability and interaction with the Dom/Master enters. Ultimately, each is judged based upon what she offers to the dominant figure.

3rd Wanted

Getting back to the original advertisements that I mentioned, most are simply looking for a playmate. They have no interest in living in a poly relationship. Too many seem to think that, because they are already there, they are the defacto head of household. This is not true. There is only one head and that is the dominant one. Everyone after that is in a service capacity. No one relationship is more important than the rest.

Therefore, when you read these ads, ask yourself if the writers actually have any idea what poly is. Consider what one will encounter when walking into a relationship such as this. I often wonder why anyone would put herself in a situation such as this. Of course, in the beginning, there is some fun sexual encounters. However, after that nirvana wears off, how will she feel living as the third wheel in the relationship? Because of the previously established hierarchy, she will never be seen as an equal regardless of what she does. Her relationship is expected to be subservient to the other one. This is how it is structured. To deny this truth is foolhardy.

Remember this idea if you are considering getting involved with another couple. Everything is not always as smooth as advertised.

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Poly versus Swinging

I meet many in the lifestyle who are open about their sexual play. This is to be expected considering we live a life that is alternative to most and has a greater degree of openness than do the traditional models. Nevertheless, I see many who claim to be poly when in fact they are really just swingers.

Group sex is a wonderful thing. I cannot deny this. There are many I come across who are involved in M/s relationships who partake in this experience. Nevertheless, an open sex life does not make one poly. Instead, it makes one a swinger.

Swinging is an activity that allows couples to experience other people. Commonly the term "swap" is used where couples exchange their partners with others. In this arena, the rule of thumb is that "you leave with who brought you". People switch sexual partners for the length of the "scene" (or party) and then return to their spouses.

One of the fundamental aspects of this has to do with commitment. In swinging, the only commitment that exists is to one's partner. The interaction with others is on a completely different level. Even in those situations where a third person is added to the play, the commitment between the new person and the spouse are different. This is logical but an often overlooked point.

Poly is an entirely different matter. Here, the commitment level will exist between the different parties. In M/s, there will be a number of slaves who all have the same commitment to the Master (or Mistress). The duration of the relationships are longer since it usually involves more than just play. In the poly world, there are simultaneous relationships occurring at the same time.

Theoretically, in poly, each relationship is of equal standing. Nevertheless, there are practical issues that always arise. For this reason, there is usually what is known as a "primary" versus "secondary" relationship. The meaning of each is self explanatory simply by their definition. However, do not believe that primary is better than secondary. It simply is a distinction based upon factors such as interest, time, living arrangement, and skill level of each person involved. Usually, a secondary person will have other obligations which diverts attention. This is life. Anyone who is entering into poly needs to be aware of the differences in how each can approach the relationships.

As you can see, there is a major difference between poly and swinging. Those who are involved in the BDSM world while living openly in terms of their sex play are swingers. There are only a few who truly are involved with poly. It is a lifestyle that is difficult to handle. For most, the emotional effort is too much. Poly requires a complete reversal of mindset. Society teaches us that we are meant to find that "one" person. Yet, in poly, that "one" might be split among others. This is a radical change from what most are accustomed to.

The bottom line is that a person who is involved in poly needs to have an inclination to having more than just one person. Of course, we are referring to an interaction that deals with more than just sex. People who lead a poly lifestyle are aware of the emotional connection that is made with each person he/she is involved with. This connection is not equal among the different parties nor is there necessarily a bond between the others involved in the relationship. There are times when poly is really a series of relationships as opposed to a single unit.

I hope this helps to clarify some of the questions with this.

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Poly: Get Past The Sex

If you want to be the envy of all the guys around the water cooler at the office, just get into a poly relationship and you will be everyone's idol. When it comes to men, there is something biological about wanting to be with two women. It seems this is the fantasy that every guy has since he hit puberty. Those who live (read: have sex) with two women move into the upper sphere of sexual dominance.

The same mindset exists in D/s and M/s relationships. Many new people get involved with the idea of "owning" multiple subs. They salivate at the idea of having multiple women do anything they want them to do. Again, this is every guys dream. However, they fail to look at the situation from the wider perspective.

I often write on here that most BDSM, D/s, and M/s relationships need to get past the sex. Domination in many instances extends past the bedroom. At the same time, one also needs to look past the sex to truly understand what poly is all about. The surface level nirvana is quickly replaced with reality.

So you think dominating multiple women is a heavenly way to live? On one hand it is. However, you must factor in the idea that there are a lot of situations that you will be confronted with. And, all of these are wrought with trouble. Living a poly lifestyle is a constant balancing act. Even when the exchange of power is complete as it is in M/s, One needs to take care that all are happy. It is a constant struggle which rarely can be met. It takes a certain type of person to live this way of life and, sadly, most are not cut out for it.

Here is a little exercise you can do to consider some of what poly is really about. Think of all the problems you had in traditional relationships. Once you have that in your mind, TRIPLE IT!!! That is right. Being involved with two people creates three times as many problems. There are the issues that arise between the male and each of the females and, then, all the incidents between the two women (the reverse is also true for a MMF situation). All told, problems increase exponentially.

Did you ever hear "I am on my period"? Now there are two of them to deal with. Demands on your time are further compounded since there are two people vying for it. Sexually, you must keep two partners happy and be somewhat equal about it (most guy's ego will tell them it is no problem but they are mistaken-just ask any woman about the number of guys who cannot even satisfy one). Sleeping arrangements are always interesting since many do not simply sleep 8 hours through the night. Finally, children are another factor which bears consideration and creates a totally different dynamic. Again, the actions and time split must be equal or resentments will grow.

These are just a few of the things that a poly Dom must consider. Notice how many of these will override the sexual nirvana One has by dominating two women. In fact, the sexual high is short lived. Many will go fleeing back to the traditional lifestyle when dealing with these issues for even a month. The pressure can get great at times especially when other life issues mount. Children, finances, and career all are standards in anyone's life regardless of the lifestyle led. Poly pressures will only add to the mountain of stress that One needs to deal with.

I do not write this as a means of turning people off to poly. It is a wonderful and rewarding way to live for those who understand what they are getting into. However, we all need to move past the romantic notion that this is going to be some 24/7 porn movie. Life still happens.

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Poly versus multiple Slaves

Poly or multi-slave owner? This is something that I rarely seen mentioned yet has serious consequences in any relationship. Those who fail to look at the larger picture tend to encounter issues. This is true in life and certainly in the BDSM world.

Many think that because they have multiple subs/slaves, they are poly. According to the general definition, this might be correct. I can agree with this if there is a relationship between all parties. However, often, the more accurate situation is where one is involved with multiple people at the same time.

In my post, Poly is more than a word, I mentioned some of the pitfalls of living in a poly situation. Many believe they can handle the emotions that arise when existing under such conditions. Nevertheless, most find difficulty when they enter real time. This typically leads to conflict which often cannot be resolved. Some people simply cannot get along. This creates a fragmented situation where poly is replaced with multiple relationships. Each person interacts with the Dom/Master individually while maintaining a separation from the other(s).

My experience leads me to state this is commonplace. A true poly interaction where a "family" unit is established is rare. Personalities frequently get in the way of establishing such a structure. Fear and jealousy are powerful emotions. They cause people to behave in ways they normally would not.

Sabotage is quite common in multi-slave situations. People tend to enter the poly world believing there will be assistance and commonality with the others. Sadly, the proverbial catfights break out where each one vies for the Dom/Master's attention. Each has an agenda which will be superimposed into each relationship. In the end, fragmentation is the result.

Therefore, when entering into a situation like this, consider how all parties will get along. Conflict in the beginning might be a warning of things to come. Also, ponder the past experiences of each person involved. Those who were in "poly" relationships often have negative experiences. This might cause the defenses to instantly be erected. With time and patience these can be overcome. However, it will only happen if each person is committed to making it work. Two out of three is not enough.

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Freedom II: Don't Be Stupid

I often write how BDSM is about freedom. In my last article, I mentioned how those who choose this way of life do so with courage. There are many who do not understand this lifestyle, thus those who mention it to their family members risk alienation. My experience is that society looks down upon those who stray from what it considers normal.

That being said, I must forewarn people that living a free life means that we need to void the practice of stupidity. We know there are those who will fail to tolerate our behavior. This can include more than just friends and family. Often, communities will lock people up because it feels that we are participating in something illegal. This is something that all of us need to be mindful of when deciding how much to really reveal about ourselves.

Here is an article about someone who decided it was his right to parade his lifestyle choice throughout town. As you can see, this was met with negative consequences. This individual is now going to spend three years in jail because of his choice.

Obviously, I use this example to show how little understanding and tolerance there is. This person might belong in jail. I have no way of knowing whether he forced women into actions they didn't want to participate in. He might have held people against their will. However, what I feel is important is the outrage among the shopkeepers. They were the ones who first 'dropped the dime' on him. Their intolerance and distaste for the M/s lifestyle (and lack of understanding) opened up the situation where the law got involved.

Therefore, be practical in your approach to BDSM. You must be mindful that the more extreme stuff you get into, the less socially acceptable it is. There are those who seek to do others harm simply because they cannot mind their own business. Again, I am talking about those who are willing consenting to participating in this lifestyle. Those who force others into this are eligible for detention. I will be the first to call the cops on people like that. However, I do not believe the majority of people in this way of life are that way. Instead, they are average people who choose to life in a manner that is different from the norm. Others misunderstanding is not grounds for their persecution.

Don't be stupid. Freedom is a wonderful thing. However, there is a line where your deciding to exert your decisions upon a society unwilling to see your point of view will only come back to harm you. Remember, the numbers are against you. Sameness of thought is the common thread that all societies need to ensure their survival. Ideas that drift from the established norm are stamped out in an effort to maintain order. It has been this way throughout the centuries. Do not put yourself at peril by trying to change a mindset which goes back thousands of years. In the end, you will be the one doing the time.


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