Safety 101

I am going to revisit a topic I wrote on extensively throughout the years but is certainly worthy of reviewing. Sadly, it seems that most do not believe or understand the magnitude of what transpires. It is because of this that many have a tendency to put themselves in a position to be harmed in a tremendous way. As always, I will keep using this pulpit to try and spread the sane message even if few are listening.

It Starts With You

Safety is a personal job. Many feel content to turn that responsibility over to the Dom/Master. While I acknowledge that this is where it does fall, the truth is that many are not worthy of this responsibility. In other words, they do not have the skills nor makeup to operate safely. For this reason, a sub or slave needs to assume full responsibility for safety until the other person exhibits the ability to handle it. To skip this step is perilous.

I was roaming around a forum on one of the sites that is often frequented by the pretenders, wannabes, and dregs of this lifestyle. This exercise is always a reminder how difficult it is when dealing with the online world, especially for submissive women who are truly interested in learning more and going further. It is an environment that is wrought with dangers at every corner. Pain, and not the enjoyable kind, is certainly in the future for most. My hope is that it is only emotional and not something more serious. Of course, we all know the stories that end up in the papers.

One of the threads I came upon was written by a know-it-all. Naturally, the inclination is to believe this was a dominant person exhibiting his "superior knowledge" of the lifestyle. It was not. The topic was titled "I am not stupid" and was written by a female submissive who is just asking to be destroyed. Her attitude shows that she has all the answers.

The basic gist of what she wrote was how she tired she is of being told by others (older men mostly) to be careful when pursuing some of her fetishes. Without going into them specifically, she was into some things where she could be harmed greatly if not careful. Of course, the warnings of others was only met with resistance since she was convinced she researched her particular likes and knew what was going on. This "know-it-all" is a predator's dream.

It is important to remember that no matter how careful one is, the BDSM world, especially the online world, is wrought with great dangers. Even the most experienced of us are apt to get "taken" periodically because it is human nature to believe the best in people. We sincerely want to think that the person on the other end of the chat is exactly whom he or she claimed. Sadly, in more than half the instances, that isnt the case. More times than not, the person is either a fake, liar, or outright misguided. Countless stories exist representing this reality.

Therefore, when dealing with the online world, take every precaution that is mentioned. All of the suggestions that are posted are worthy. You can never be too careful.

Psychological Damage

Much is written about behaving in a safe manner when doing a scene. I will attest to the importance of physical safety in all we do. It is best to interact only with those who are knowledgeable about a particular fetish. If one is not experienced, hopefully he or she is willing to train under the guidance of someone who is. This is how one attains the proper ability to act safely.

As important as physical safety it, I believe that looking for the psychological ramifications is crucial. Too many overlook this aspect especially when they are involved with someone long term. The tendency is to get complacent and use the knowledge of the other as a means of predetermining limits for each situation based upon past results. The truth is that people vary day to day meaning that taking this path could cause a lot of pain.

I find that safety often means backing off. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from time-to-time. What do I mean by this? As I mentioned, individuals have their good days and their bad ones. Subs/slaves have those times where they are really into a scene. It is under these circumstances where one is able to move towards or past certain limits. Of course, there are also those days where this person is not "on". Perhaps there is something emotional going on. Or it could be that mentally she has some barriers that cannot be overcome. Whatever the reason, in these instances, a dominant needs to be attentive to the fact that he or she might need to pull back. Sometimes less is more.

It is the same as exercising. We all had those times when we went into the gym and we were "on". In the end, we felt as if we had the best workout ever. At the same time, there were those days when we could not get anything accomplished at the gym. Those are the days we are "off" and basically trudge through a workout.

So what are the implications of moving forward when a sub/slave is not able to. One the surface it might not seem like a big deal. In fact, that person might be okay with what transpires. However, on a deeper level it is possible to cause damage. When one is pushed more than he or she is ready to accept on a given day, the possibility exists for things such as trust to be lost. A sub/slave needs to fell completely safe with the one serving. Betraying him/her by behaving in a manner that is contrary to one's best interest hits a person deeply. This is just one example of how being ignorant to this can affect one psychologically. Of course, there are many of things to be mindful of that I will write about in future posts.

The bottom line is that bruises heal. Cuts will close up. But when you harm someone psychologically, that has the ability to be imprinted deep in the psyche. For this reason, psychological safety needs to be at the top of every dominant's list. This is the most basic thing we need to do.

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Spirit Versus Reality

Today I am going to delve into an area that I have yet to mention to much on here but requires further exploration. So many tend to confuse the spirit of BDSM with the actual boundaries established. With this, the idea of freedom, or lack thereof, also gets mixed up in the process. I see this take on an added level when we focus upon the M/s genre. How is one to know what is play versus reality?

Reality

Before going any further, I am going to categorically state that all I am writing about here is void of the idea of play. This topic is for people who are serious about a BDSM relationship and all that goes along with it. For those who are interested in playing, this isnt as applicable since that viewpoint carries a beginning and an end with established boundaries. In other words, once the scene ends, things move back to their previous state.

I write how important it is for one to be completely in touch with reality. Those who lose site of this tend to open themselves up to being hurt. There are many who do not have noble intentions and are apt to take advantage of one who looks at the BDSM word as some type of fairy tale. The truth is that reality always hits us sooner or later. Therefore, it is best to keep our eyes open and remain mindful of all our options.

The simple fact is that slavery is illegal in most developed countries. M/s is built upon the premise of complete power exchange that is agreed to by both parties. The consensual part removes it from the field of abuse. However, it does not make it legal. Holding a person against his or her will is a criminal act. That is reality.

Therefore, you are free to leave at any time you wish. A "Master" can claim that you are to remain, yet the law says otherwise. At the same time, you, as an individual, are free to call the authorities if activities infringe upon your basic rights. For example, many seem to feel that because they submit, then anything goes. I encountered one who was told by her Master that he could abuse her because she was owned. Not true. A call to the cops would result in a nice domestic battery charge. Being a Master does not entitle one to beat the snot out of a slave. Again, the consent does not make it legal.

The "Spirit" of BDSM

When we look at the "spirit" of BDSM we find an entirely different situation. Everything we discuss about this particular lifestyle is based upon this concept. To me, those who are able to succeed in this way of life understand this premise and operate accordingly. Those who do not, tend to be "passing through".

Again, I will utilize M/s as the premise for my discussion. When you look at living in a Master/slave situation, the fact that it is illegal in reality is only part of the equation. The other aspect that is worthy of note is the fact that this is a consensual relationship that is agreed upon by both parties. It is something that each wants resulting in a complete exchange of power. This is the structure chosen for the relationship and from which all interaction occurs.

It is at this point that things can get dicey. Even though one does legally retain his or her rights, in a M/s relationship, the spirit behind it is that they are given up. A slave has no rights other than what is granted by the Master. So while the law says one thing, the spirit of our lifestyle says another. This is the dual dichotomy that is always in operation and needs to be navigated.

Operating Sanely

The words we use can alter the meaning of something greatly. In this post, I have applied the terms reality and spirit to make a distinction. However, the truth is that both are not the best idea to use as a barometer. In reality, whether something is illegal or not has no bearing unless the law is involved. Consider the fact that sodomy is still illegal in more than 30 states yet anal sex occurs almost everyday in each of these areas. Of course, there is a world of difference between consensual sodomy and non-consensual which should require no further explanation.

Therefore, I feel it most important to behave in matters that are sane. When one is engaging in an activity that is consensual and safe, then what private individuals choose to do is of no concern to anyone else. However, when the sanity is removed and one is dealing with a danger, that is when reality needs to take over. Safety starts with the individual. Taking care of oneself is something one always needs to be mindful of. Even the most experienced Master can slip up periodically. Unfortunately, my experience is that insanity is far more common than sanity.

So, this is where I find the line is drawn. When one strays into insane behavior that is in putting one at risk, it is completely within a slave's rights to protect him/herself by saying "I am outta here". One does not have to put up with a lunatic. Abuse is not a part of the BDSM lifestyle and one needs to do all he or she can to stop the situation. This is a reality.

On the other hand, there are many BDSM relationships in which the parties are sane. At these times, the "spirit" of our lifestyle is the prevailing tenet. Everything we discuss in terms of rules, protocols, and acceptable ways of conduct apply. For example, a slave cannot leave a M/s relationship, she needs to be released. This is in keeping with the spirit of power exchange. Therefore, to up and leave a relationship which is non-abusive shows one to not respect the lifestyle and prefer to operate in ways contrary to what we are involved in. Again, while he or she is exercising a right that always exists in reality, this person is violating the spirit of the lifestyle which holds things together.

Always remember that these two aspects of the lifestyle are always in play. When there is sanity, let the spirit of this way of life be your guide. However, when one crosses over into the asinine, exercise your rights and exit that scenario quickly. There is no room for abuse within the BDSM community and, regardless of what some idiot says, you do not have to take it.

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Self Growth

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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Know Your Limitations

Knowing your limitations is a helpful concept no matter what walk of life one chooses. However, it seems to me that many on the dominant side of the BDSM world have not grasped this concept. Instead, they believe they can handle everything and present a 'complete package' to the world. This is not true.

The Human Condition

The human condition is something that cannot be escaped. No matter what one tries to do, at the end of the day, he or she is still human. Of course, this can present problems if one is putting forth the notion that he or she is infallible. Mistakes are a part of this equation and people need to own up to that fact. Too often, either the dominant and/or a submissive, will put that person on a pedestal. This is a situation which only establishes a downfall.

At the same time, we are all limited in some capacity. To start, human beings have to deal with the element of time. This means that one can focus upon whatever he or she selects. However, it is impossible to concentrate one's attention on everything. Like the old saying, you can have anything you want, you just cant have everything. We have to make choices based upon personal priorities about which we deem important.

Therefore, the idea that we are perfect or adept in every area is misleading. The online world makes it easier to present this image since the realities of life are often masked. Being 'virtual' enables one to smooth the rough spots by hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately, if something is going to progress, the truth needs to be revealed. Perhaps this is why so many opt to remain in the online domain.

Honest Appraisal

For one to be able to learn what limitations exist, first it is crucial that one have the ability to honestly assess the situation. This is where problems can arise. Often, as human beings, we have a slanted opinion of ourselves. What this means is that many lack the ability to be honest with themselves. Instead, they will 'soften' the truth. It is not uncommon for one to state "I am late once in a while" when, in fact, he or she is always tardy. The point is that we routinely need the outside assistance of others to get an accurate assessment of ourselves.

Of course, there are many glaring defects which the individual might be aware of right off the bat. For example, it might be evident that a person suffers from procrastination. In fact, this person might beat him or herself up repeatedly about the inability to overcome this issue. Either way, the truth needs to be uncovered.

Routine self-appraisal is something that I see lacking about the online BDSM world especially among the dominant ones. These are individuals who seem to believe they have it all together. It is apparent in the way they handle themselves. Oh the bravado. Sadly, this is all it is. Anyone who claims to be on this level is truly delusional.

This weekend was a reminder of my limitations. I will stray outside the BDSM environment to mention something on a personal note. My daughter graced us with a visit after some months of being absent. While on decent terms, this is a relationship which saw me as the absent parent. This has left me ill-equipped to deal with the circumstances that come with a teenager. In other words, my parenting skills are lacking a bit.

My point here is that I had to own up to the fact that I have limitations in this arena. Since I have no practical experience in dealing with a creature of this nature (and I am starting to question whether the teen years allow one to exist as part of the human condition), I had to invite the assistance of another. Fortunately, my slave went through life with a teenage girl so she has greater understanding (and patience) for what they bring. This is an occasion where I admitted my limitations.

This concept applies to all aspects of our lives. Too often, we try to do too much. This is especially true of those who are really driven. Motivation is a wonderful thing, yet it can cause one to be overwhelm. Being able to own up to the fact that one reached a limit is a healthy exercise. Those who pretend the opposite is true are dangerous people. They are the ones who tend to overstep the bounds and that is where people can get hurt. This is true either for him/herself or another in that person's care. Safety often ceases to be an ability with a person of this ilk. Keep that in mind.

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The Basics

Everything in life revolves around basics. No matter what the activity, people are continually mentioning the basics. Take a sport for instance. Coaches are forever 'preaching the fundamentals'; another way of saying concentrating on the basics. Sales is nothing more than a series of basic steps that, when taken, will produce a result. And the same is true for relationships. Therefore, it is crucial that we place attention upon some of the basics of our lifestyle.

Personal Development

Certainly, where one concentrates will vary depending upon whether that person is dominant or submissive. Nevertheless, each of us has a responsibility to take the necessary steps to ensure we are continually developing. For most, this ought to take place long before getting into a BDSM relationship. I am a firm believer that most BDSM relationships fail simply because the parties involved are woefully equipped to deal with them. Contrary to what the majority of the online community tends to accept, BDSM is not a game that is to be taken lightly. While there are aspects of play which are perfectly acceptable, the truth is that this is something that can cause tremendous harm. The path of destruction left behind by the pretenders is catastrophic.

Personal development mandates that one go inward to uncover the natural qualities which exist within. This is a primary step that few tend to engage upon. Instead, they feel that having an inclination that he or she is dominant (or submissive) is enough. Sadly, it is not. One needs to reveal where that quality lies and how it affects his or her life. What decisions are made from this? How does it manifest in other areas of life? Is it something that was repressed for decades or does it emerge on a daily basis? What is required to generate fulfillment knowing this quality exists? These are all questions that are basic in nature with answers which are fundamental to the success of a BDSM relationship.

Once the qualities within oneself are uncovered, what is an individual willing to do with this new found knowledge? Reading, learning, and practicing are crucial elements to mastering any craft. BDSM is a lifestyle that differs greatly from the mainstream. Thus, a new set of skills are required if one is going to approach things in a safe manner. One needs to have the motivation and desire to spend the time required learning about the different facets of the lifestyle before putting anything into practice. As I mention umpteen thousands of times, safety is always our primary focus.

Another area I feel is part of the basics of the lifestyle is the psychology behind the structures we establish. Power exchange carries with it a great deal more than just physical manifestations. There is a series of psychological needs that are to be met by each person. One who is willing to delve into this area will be able to understand what is required by each person thus increasing the chance of BDSM success.

Relationship Development

Much of what I am going to write in this section is not solely applicable to the BDSM world. Anyone who deals with relationships will mention that they require work and that both parties need to commit to making the relationship grow. Healthy relationships will grow over time as each person is working on him/herself while dedicating the proper effort to the overall interaction. Sadly, since the percentages of relationships that end up in 'splitsville' is high, it is obvious most people do not engage in this behavior.

BDSM adds another element to this entire process. Since there is an exchange of power to some degree, the dominant one is responsible for the direction of the relationship. Thus, the submissive lacks some of the ability to decide what areas are focused upon for growth. At the same time, depending upon the structure, i.e. M/s, he or she might be dependent upon the Master/Mistress for authorization to seek personal development. Of course, my viewpoint is that this should always be a focus of the dominant one; growth of both individuals is what a BDSM relationship is all about.

As the parties interact, they will opt to experiment with different things. It is helpful if one person is experienced so as to approach things safely. However, in situations where both are relatively new, it is important that attention be paid to things such as safety, technique, and aftercare. Over time, the interaction of their BDSM play will expand and grow. Each will become aware of the limits of the other (yes dominants have limits also) and know to stay within those confines. Their interaction becomes more natural as the knowledge between the parties grows.

Also, qualities such as trust, dependence, and openness emerge in a healthy interaction. Again, these are things which are the result of putting in effort. Many seem to think that these are overnight developments; they are not. It takes time for one to peel away some of the connotations to past events and be able to move forward. Lack of trust is a common trait of those who were harmed in the past. A true Master or Mistress will dedicate the time to providing a forum where a person can develop. Of course, dominants often have trust issues so the reverse is true also.

Obviously you can see there are many different areas where there are 'basics'. It is similar to baseball where there are fundamentals to hitting, throwing, pitching, bunting, fielding, and sliding. Each are a part of the game and required if a team is going to be successful. The same holds true in a BDSM relationship. There are basics in the area of psychology, scening, communication, personal development, and interpersonal skills all which have an impact upon the success or failure of a BDSM relationship. Those who are willing to concentrate attention on these areas will enjoy a greater amount of fulfillment and success.

Remember, the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship.

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Trust: Trusting The Wrong Person

We talk about trust a lot in the lifestyle. Of course, when referring to relationships, it is natural that this topic is covered. We all know that without trust, there is not much of a relationship. It is one of the fundamental blocks of a healthy interaction. Each person needs to trust the other.

Being Gun Shy

I recently came across a situation that reminded me of what can occur. We write a great deal about the pretenders in an effort to warn people about the games that are played. The reason this is done is because people of this sort can cause tremendous damage. Sadly, it is something we see all the time.

What happens to a person after he or she gets hurt by someone of this nature? Naturally, one is going to become a bit gun shy when approaching the next interaction. Of course, this is not only applicable when dealing with pretenders. There are many experiences from people's past that can cause them to have this outlook.

Trust is a fragile thing which is easy to break. Anyone who was cheated on when in a monogamous relationship knows this intimately. While the other person can attempt to make all the amends in the world and swear it will never happen again, there is always that thought in the back of one's mind whenever the person leaves the house. Unfortunately, this experience will carry over into the next relationship also. How many of us have been accused of cheating without merit? Often, that is just the other individual's old experiences emerging.

Wrongly Trusting

Many will assert, after experiencing some of the things I just mentioned, that they cannot trust anyone. Their belief is that trusting is their problem. It is not. The actual truth of the matter is this person has a problem with trusting the wrong person. Trust is a healthy and natural concept. It is something we do from the time we are young. It comes natural to us. However, when we trust the wrong people, they tend to let us down. This causes us to establish walls as a way of protecting ourselves.

It is never wrong to trust. The problem arises when one trust someone who is unworthy of it. This is where people get themselves in trouble. Using the pretender as an example, here is a person who is clearly (after the fact) incapable of providing what was stated. Thus, trusting this person is a mistake. Of course, things are a lot easier in hindsight. Nevertheless, life is lived in the present and decisions are made without the future knowledge. The challenge is to learn to spot the warning signs ahead of time to avert dangerous situations.

In closing, do not believe that your ability to trust is a problem. It is not. Where you need to focus your attention is on being more selective about those who you do trust. Trusting the wrong person can never lead to a positive outcome. However, don't give up the idea of trusting. Those who wall up and do not trust tend to become old and lonely people. We all were burnt at one time or another. The only way to succeed is to hang in there and get back in the game. Over time, we learn to pick out those who are trustworthy. That is our ultimate end.



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Forced Time

I write quite often how time is an ally in the online world and that it is the one defense someone can throw up against the trollers and pretenders. People of this sort detest taking time to get to know someone. There outlook is to move quickly. Anyone who is new to the lifestyle can counterbalance this approach by slowing things down. Many will find that the pretenders lose interest quickly. Of course, those who are real understand this and are more apt to welcome this alternative.

Meeting Local People

As I travel around the 'Net, I read a ton of profiles in an effort to gain insight into what people are doing. One of the most common attributes of those who I would consider truly seeking is that a person be local before contacting him or her. This makes total sense since I am a proponent of the idea that BDSM is a face-to-face lifestyle. Even after all these years, I find the concept that a power exchange relationship can truly occur while separated distasteful. There is just too much evidence that supports the notion that people are going to lie and cheat. But, then again, that is an ageless battle which can be approached in another post.

The desire to interact with someone local is a wonderful idea and a good way to narrow down the 'field' in an effort to find what one is seeking. However, this can create a problem when one is dealing with someone who is desperate or in a position of weakness. A person in this situation tends to want to move forward, usually out of fear. This act tends to counteract the fundamentals which are required for success in a BDSM relationship.

Time is an ally when dealing with the trollers. It also is a required element that is needed to delve deep into a power exchange relationship. Those types of interactions are based upon trust, compatibility, knowledge, and genuine emotional investment. These qualities take time to develop. In other words, there is no way to shortcut this.

So, when we have someone local, the tendency is to meet for coffee or dinner and then hop into the sack. This occurs after a few emails, instant message conversations, webcam sessions, and, perhaps a phone call or two. While not opposed to open sexual lifestyle (hell I live that way myself), the problem is that this takes things to a different level without the proper foundation in place. Also, many mistake the fact that because one is good in bed, that he or she will make a good Master or slave. The transition from bedroom to other areas of life is a big jump; one most cannot make.

Long Distance Relationships

The alternative to finding someone local is to get involved in a long distance relationship. This is something that is distasteful to many but an idea I embraced over the years. For those who are genuinely seeking, it is a viable option as long as one understands the terminology and is clear in the concepts I am going to cover.

Long distance and online relationships are two different things. There are many who seek online only as a preferred way of living their BDSM life. To me, this opens up the opportunity for the dishonesty and lack of trust that was mentioned before. Usually people in this fold tend to be married or involved with someone in a vanilla setting which means they are looking for some online role playing. This is a viable option for those who are into this genre but it is not a suitable replacement for real live interaction. The problem arises in the fact that one party is typically seeking more but settles for some temporary online games.

Online only will never develop into real time. It is also a means which the traditional modes of communication are ignored (for the most part). When dealing with someone online, getting to truly know that person is not of interest. Since the relationship is never going to develop, the idea of establishing grounds of compatibility, trust, and emotional interest is not necessary. The only thing that matters is the present moment and the interaction now. Nothing more is going to develop.

Long distance is a totally different concept. To start, the idea is to move forward into something more. In this situation, each party is aware of the desire for something greater but understands the present geographical and logistical situation. This is something that is desired to be overcome in time but the participants deal with the reality of the relationship as it is in the present moment.

Unlike the online only deal, people involved long distance are interested in getting to know the other person. Moving things to a deeper level is wanted by both parties. For this reason, the traditional modes of communication are utilized. Things such as phone calls, the postal system (i.e. letters), and in person visits are applied. One seeks to know the entire person and what he/she likes. A true relationship is sought.

Forced Time

Long distance relationships offer a couple of advantages over local ones. One of the biggest things is that, being open to the approach, creates more opportunities to meet someone who fits your needs. It always amazes me how few people in the local area (mine at least) are true 'lifestyle' people. Just like online, there tends to be a lot of the same antics at the munches. While this might suit their needs, it does not meet mine. Therefore, I had to be open to expanding my search.

As many of you are aware, my present slave came to me from the UK (United Kingdom, not University of Kentucky). There was 5,000 miles and an entire ocean between us. Fortunately, it was a situation where the logistics could be resolved in time. However, it took almost two years to get to that point. This is where the forced time was our biggest ally.

My slave visited me almost two years after we started interacting online. We used whatever methods were available to us over that time. While having never met in person, we talked on the phone (internet), sent packages back and forth, and really got to know each other. Thus, when we met in person, we knew a great deal about the other person, what was desired, and how we matched up. It was impossible to omit that stage of our relationship development since the distance necessitated that we approach things in this manner.

Personally, I believe many who I encounter online would be better served if they went in this direction. No matter how much I write and warn people about it, people still want to move ahead with their relationships at warp speed. This is where they end up getting hurt. I am never surprised when these situations do not work out. Of course, I speak from experience here since I have moved to quickly in the past also. Remember, this is something that none of us, no matter how experienced, can shortcut. Relationships take time to develop.

Therefore, I suggest that you re-evaluate your mindset of only dealing with someone local. There are many advantages to establishing a long distance BDSM relationship which ultimately moves into real time. While it is not an easy path to follow and the desire to hop on a plane and go meet the other person is always present, the benefits can outweigh that. Forced time is often the only way those who lack discipline will take the proper approach. In a long distance relationship, one has no choice but to use the time constructively. Sex, whips, and chains will come later. The basic foundation will be laid long before those aspects are experienced. In my mind, they will only serve to reaffirm what is already in place as opposed to being the primary basis. This increases the chance of success greatly.

Time is truly our ally.

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Come To Depend

Dependence is a word that has a mixed meaning in our society. For many, it is a way to view an interaction between two people which shows safety and security. At the same time, many view it as a sign of weakness since we are taught that we are to be independent. Those who have to rely on others are looked upon as inferior. Thus, we have to delve into the subject to determine what is healthy and effective.

Unhealthy Dependency

We see many who are completely dependent upon another. While this could be a good thing, in the instances I am referring, it is unhealthy and dangerous. Many suffer from dependency issues. In psychology, they often view this as a result of having abandonment issues. Those who suffer from this are apt to 'latch onto' anyone who comes along. People of this ilk have major inferiority complexes. Thus, the idea of being alone is not acceptable to this person.

So, how does someone like this behave. To start, loneliness is a major part of his/her makeup. The idea of being alone is terrifying. Therefore, he or she will do whatever to get into a relationship. I remember watching a movie where the character said "I would rather be with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones". This sums up the person's mindset.

After getting into a relationship, our over dependent person will do everything to maintain. This is often where abuse is able to enter the picture. Those who suffer from inferiority complexes allow behavior that is intolerable. Outsiders cannot understand 'why she doesn't leave him". The simple fact is that her esteem will not allow it.

Another dangerous situation happens when the other person tries to end the relationship and move on. Our dependent individual is unable to heat of this. We see this all the time in those who 'cannot move on'. They keep referring to the love for the other person. While there is a shred of truth in this, the more accurate description is this person is overly dependent. Of course, the person does not truly need to end the relationship, or even to threaten that. Our fearful individual is always acting out of that fear. His or her mind is always conceptualizing the idea of being abandon. Therefore, all behaviors are done in an effort to prevent this.

Certainly you can see how someone operating from this place is open to being taken abused in so many different ways. Overall, nothing healthy can result.

Healthy Dependency

Now let us take a look at some situations where dependency is healthy.

I am going to start by saying that nobody is a self made person. We see the term 'self made success' thrown around in the business world. This is completely untrue. Success, in any endeavor requires input from many people. For example, knowledge, which is often a key component, is passed down via teachers, mentors, parents, and other influences. Bill Gates might have created Microsoft on his own, but he has a lot of input over the years plus partners who helped him start the venture.

The point that I am making is that none of us is truly independent. Every aspect of our lives necessitates the assistance of others. This is a basic component of a civilized society. Even the food we eat at dinner requires the help of those willing to grow, harvest, package, transport, and sell it. Unless you are one who is out hunting your meals, it is safe to say that you are dependent. Thus, let us get the 'dependence is bad' notion out of our mind.

Children are dependent upon their parents from the day they are born. When we come out of the womb, we are basically helpless, defenseless beings. Other then sending waste from our bodies and exercising our lung capacity, there is very little we can do on our own. Of course, as the years pass, a child is able to attain greater independence. However, as mentioned, the influences are still there are we gain this freedom.

The maturity process does leads to great independence which also yields strength. Those who can assume greater things can do so because their abilities and talents grew. Please bear in mind this also includes the ability to excel emotionally. Maturation means moving from childish to adult. It requires developing esteem for oneself and his/her abilities. This is what allows us to interact with others in a deep manner in a healthy way. We see a complete reversal of the situation that was aforementioned.

So, how does a person in this type of situation behave. To start, he or she is not willing to just run out and accept anyone. Contrary to the quote from the movie I cited, an individual of this ilk will prefer to be alone rather than be with someone for the wrong reasons. "Because I am lonely" is never a valid reason for entering into a relationship. This establishes weaknesses instantly. Success in any field, including social interaction, requires coming from a place of strength.

Another difference is that a healthy person is not living with the perpetual fear that the relationship will end. If the other person is behaving in ways that are unacceptable, he or she is willing to draw the line in the sand and say 'enough'. Obviously, our unhealthy individual is ill-equipped to do this. Abuse, which was a possibility before, is less likely under these circumstances. The internal strength will override any tendency to adopt insensible ideas.

Dependency and BDSM

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. Thus, the scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. Slaves who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master establishes. Nevertheless, a slave comes to rely upon her Master for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately his.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. I was discussing with my slave the other day this idea. She mentioned that, for her, it went from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a slave on a Master. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent and don't need anyone (see above). This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

I find this to be the case each time my slave leaves. While it is not often, I can assure you that I am lost to a degree. While I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, the fact that I allow her to hand so many things in a responsible manner means that much of what occurs takes place without my oversight. Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master becomes dependent upon a slave to meet even his most basic needs.

I could also focus some attention on the emotional needs that a slave fulfills but that could be a thesis all on its own. The point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship. This idea is most recognizable when people are separated for a period of time. In my situation, it has been over 2 years since I was away from my slave for any lengthy period of time. And, I am surprised to see how much I have come to depend upon her. For me, it has paralleled the path taken with my trust. As my trust has grown, so has my dependence; and the same is true for her.

This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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Dominant All The Time

We all have our Masters. This is simply a fact of life. Those who live in the real world understand this simply yet imperative concept. However, many seem to like to exist in the fantasy of the Internet which presents a different outlook.

Quality

Domination, like submission, is nothing more than a quality that a person has. It is something that comes naturally. For this reason, I find the path into the BDSM world is about uncovering what is naturally within a person. Too many try to 'become' something. My experience is that one needs to look within to see what is already there in an effort to expand and grow that aspect of oneself.

Nevertheless, since we are referring to something that is a quality, it is important to realize how that fits into our lives. Domination is something that comes naturally to many people. However, when one realizes it is a quality (characteristic) of a person, he or she understands that one does not live 'all domination, all the time'. We all have our Masters.

For example, I am of the dominant ilk. Over the years, I owned a number of slaves. My natural desire is to bear the full responsibility of each situation. Control is something I desire, not to make up for a lack within me but, rather, to appease what is at my core. In other words, it is safe to say that I easily fall on the dominant side of the coin.

That being said, there are times when I am as submissive as they come. No, this does not make me a switch. However, put me in front of the judge and you will see a subservient Master. "Yes Sir or Ma'am" will be uttered quite frequently. The same is true when I am pulled over by a police officer. In reality, there are certain people who have control over me because of the authority they wield. If the choice is between keeping my statements respectful or going to jail, the former is the option I like.

Common Sense

When dealing in reality, common sense is a trait that need to be practiced. Too many like the idea of residing in the fantasy world of the Internet where he or she can assume a role completely. While this might have some payoff in terms of enjoyment, nobody, in their right mind can assert that it is real. No common sense is required in this arena. People can be as foolish as they want usually without consequence.

The situation is different for those who dwell in reality. We all need to be prudent in our choices. Those who lack this ability end up creating more trouble for themselves. Those who want to be dominant all the time suffer ill consequences. For example, have you ever walked in and told the owner of the company all that he or she is doing wrong and what you 'know' what needs to be done? If you did, how was that received? Those who walk around the workplace dictating to everyone else what needs to be done, especially without the authority to do so, find themselves out of work. Unemployment is a common outcome.

Relationships are the same way. Most people gravitate towards equitable split relationships. For this reason, most do not like to be 'controlled' by their friends or lovers. They like to have some say in what is done and decisions that are made. Our 'eternal dominant' elicits ill feelings from others. The 'take charge' attitude wears on people. Thus, the consequence is usually a lonely existence.

Common sense dictates that there situations where it is proper to assert one's domination. At the same time, there are also many instances when backing off is the best option. Usually, there is a correlation between whether it is my business or not. If it is my responsibility, then I can express my control. Anything outside of that realm sees me just being overbearing and a know-it-all. Minding my own business is a lesson that is extremely important to learn.

In summary, it is unrealistic to believe that one is dominant all the time. There are situations on a daily basis which mandate letting someone else make the decision. The reasons can be due to authority, experience, or responsibility. Either way, there are times when it is best for a dominant to be submissive while keeping his/her mouth shut.

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Domination: Taking Responsibility

Responsibility is something that many in society talk about. We are taught that one is to be responsible. For example, males are taught they are to work hard and be good providers for the family. One is suppose to take care of those who are dependent upon him (her). We are told this is what 'responsible people do'.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Society would be better off if more had this outlook. My observation is that we are going in the opposite direction. Overall, I sense the 'blame game' is more prominent than personal responsibility. Everyone has an alibi and is quick to put it to use. While not wanting to turn this post into a political rant, it is safe to say some of the industrious values of yesteryear were replaced.

BDSM: Contrary to Society

Much of my writing focuses attention on the fact that those who live the BDSM lifestyle need to have a mindset that differs tremendously from the average person. We walk a path that adopts outlooks which are not taught in the traditional world. Instead, we are programmed to obey the overriding social mores that are presented to us. Those who break free and enter this way of life, to some degree, cease thinking in the traditional terms.

Regardless of what the general consensus of society regarding responsibility, the fact is that those who enter the BDSM lifestyle must be willing to accept this on every level. This is especially true of those have the dominant quality about them. I see so many who proclaim to be 'Masters' yet are completely ill-equipped to serve in this role. As opposed to be responsible, they fall into the normal mindset of 'it isn't my fault'.

Therefore, for those who seek to live according to the principles of BDSM, it is imperative to adopt an outlook that is contrary to the view of society at large. Responsibility is just on of those areas.

Domination: All Your Fault

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my fault. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

Being a victim is not in the makeup of a dominant. If you are one who falls into this habit, then I suggest you re-evaluate your choice. The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go awry. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A slave is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy slave seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave 'surpass' the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "the buck stops here".

If a slave makes a mistake, it is up to a Master to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to him to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is his fault. And, he is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the slave is not worthy of being called a Master. Ultimately, unlike the self titled people on line, this is something that is earned. Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

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It Doesn't Make Them Right

Today, I am going to write about the length of time people have in the lifestyle and how that affects the interaction with others. Many fall into a dangerous trap of succumbing to the temptation of 'time'. This is something that we need to be extremely leery of.

Experience Is Important

I will state that experience is important. In all my writings, I make it clear there is no substitute for dealing with experience. Those who have 'trudged' the road that you are on can offer valuable insight . Anyone who made mistakes and is willing to share them with you is one to listen to. He or she has the uncanny ability to help you circumvent painful situations. A sign of wisdom is the ability to learn from others.

Experience is commonly a reflection of time. Obviously, someone who is in this lifestyle 20 years will have many opportunities to experience different things. Life and relationships tend to throw many different obstacles in our way. Those who navigate these waters have a story to share. Again, knowledge from a source such as this is invaluable.

Of course, experience comes in many different forms. While the BDSM world is different from the traditional in so many ways, there are also commonalities that are applicable. Many seem to miss this basic point. Interpersonal skills are always important no matter what the structure of the relationship. Those who lack this basic necessity find BDSM just as trying as other areas of life. Therefore, most have a great deal of experience when they enter the BDSM arena.

The Meaning of Time

Time offers one thing: opportunity. Whether a person takes advantage of that or not is a completely different story. Many will be around something for a long time yet fail to learn a damn thing. This is something we need to be extremely mindful of when we are interacting with others in the BDSM arena.

The common scenario is for someone who is new to defer to those who have time. I see this repeatedly online. A new person will make a statement in a forum only to have a more 'experienced' member rebuke that idea. Shortly after, the new person usually apologizes for offending those who are on there.

What is sad about this scenario is often those who are experienced are also complete idiots. As I mentioned above, time gives one the opportunity to learn and grow. The sad truth is that few take advantage of this fact. I presume this is a human condition since we see so many who haven't picked up a book since their formal education ended. However, in the BDSM arena, this can be a very dangerous prospect.

Also, just because a person has time in this lifestyle, that does not make their viewpoint correct. The BDSM world is a wide and varied life. There are many aspects to it. It is impossible for anyone to be experienced and knowledgeable about every area. For example, even though I am at this way of life for a while, I know very little about suspension. It is not a form of play that I personally involved myself in. Therefore, anything I state about this facet will be conjecture. My experience is nil. Time did not provide me wisdom in this area.

Take this concept with you wherever you go. There are many who post ideas that are very helpful. However, these same people might also have some strange viewpoints on different things also. That is part of the human condition. I have yet to meet the person who agrees with my views on everything. So, the old adage 'take what you want and leave the rest' certainly applies. And, for Pete's (whoever he is) sake, stop apologizing if some supposed 'aged' person disagrees with you on something. The presumption that he or she is correct is one you should not take. There is a good chance that person is equally off his/her rocker.

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Tough: You Created The Situation

This is a post that I wanted to write for a while. Part of my dilemma is to deliver the message without coming across as ranting. I will start by telling you I am perfectly calm at this moment. Thus, all that I am writing is devoid of an emotional magnification. There is no anger or upset within me. My sole objective is to get across an idea that I feel extremely important. Of course, in doing that, I know I am going to upset many people. So be it.

Your Life

The simple fact is that you are living your life. Nobody else can lay claim to it. You are the sole proprietor. How you choose to run it is completely your responsibility. Naturally, from my observations, this seems to be a point most people overlook.

I often write about dominants having to lose the habit of blaming, especially when one is an obedient sub. However, this is not the only target of this idea. Judging by society at large, it seems that 'blame' is a favorite pastime of the majority of people. Few truly want to admit that their lives are the results of choices they made. Instead, they run around 'pointing the finger' at everyone who is in range. It is the ex husband fault. Or the children. Or their parents. Or the boss. Or the President. Or the neighbor. Regardless of who is selected, the end result is the person absolving him or herself of responsibility.

So, remember, it is your life and it is up to you to choose how you live. And part of that is taking responsibility for all results you get knowing that you made the choice that put you in that position.

Bad Decisions

Another one of the truths in life is that we all make bad decisions. In fact, most will tell you that the ability to make good decisions is the result of making many bad decisions. We are not handed a 'decision-making' manual at birth. This is literally an exercise in trial and error.

That being said, we need to own up to the choices we make. The fact that we are going to choose some options that are 'less than stellar' just means that we are part of the human race. Everyone does it so get over it. However, the fact that we are all making poor choices does not mean that we can absolve ourselves of the consequences. Part of maturity is knowing that we are still responsible for the outcome.

Victimization

What does any of this have to do with BDSM? The answer to that brings me to the next subject: victimization. This is a natural offshoot of the blame game. Those who continually blame others are establishing themselves as victims. Ultimately, we get a huge payoff for traveling this route in that nothing is ever our fault. By placing the blame and showing how we are victimized, we are able to elicit the sympathy from others.

Now, I can tell you the BDSM community is full of victims. Anywhere you travel you can see this in full force. People are continually complaining about all the scammers, wannabes, pretenders, and assholes that exist online. Now, I am not going to deny the fact of these people's existence or give them any support at all. I think they are trash that needs to be stepped on. My point is that it takes 'two to tango'.

You Did It!!!!

This is a favorite saying of my slave. But the message carries with it a great deal of truth. Those who want to play the victim are, in fact, responsible. All of them need to look in the mirror, point at the face looking back, and say "You Did It".

Here are some examples that I regularly see:

1. 20 something financial Domme got access to the credit card from some poor unsuspecting sub male only to run up huge charges and split.

2. New sub gets involved in a relationship after a couple weeks only to find the guy she 'submitted' to was not real.

3. A man talks to a submissive girl who proudly wears his 'collar' only to find out she has 9 other guys she did the same thing with.

4. A woman meets a guy for the first time in a motel without heeding any of the suggestions about meeting in a safe manner, and finds herself hacked up and disposed of down the drain in the bath tub.

Our poor victims. Actually, all of them deserved exactly what befell them. Remember, they were all responsible for the choices they made.

Here is the truth:

1. What fool would give a 20 something access to anything. If they say they are a financial domme, replace that with the word hooker or scammer. Either way, you are going to pay. Now, if this is acceptable to you, fine. But stop the belly aching when you get cleaned out. You were the one who gave her access to the accounts.

2. There are many posts on different sites mentioning the importance of taking your time, especially when new. This is a world that differs from what most are accustomed to. The BDSM world, particularly online, is wrought with great dangers. There are all kinds of games played. It takes some time to learn how to identify what really is going on. While nobody is immune, it does increase one's chances greatly. But, the suggestions we offer go unheeded. Instead, our new subbie does what he or she wants explaining to us that 'we do not understand'. So who is at fault? The troller who is doing what trollers do or the 'innocent' subbie who ignored all warnings and did what he or she wanted?

3. Half of what you see online is not real. It can be eliminated immediately. This is a world that is called virtual. It can reflect reality but it is not. The Internet is a place where it is easy to maintain anonymity. Anyone can be anything he or she wants. Those who believe everything they are told are apt to get taken. If you believe your one is real, that is perfectly logical. However, if you find out she was just playing games, realize that you were the one who answered her emails. You chose to interact with her (him) and nobody else. Own up to that fact and move on.

4. As horrific as this is, who chose to appear in a motel room with a total stranger? The point is clear. If one is going to throw common sense out the window, then he or she must know the risks involved. Stupid decisions can often be fatal. But, once again, it is his or her responsibility. While I will grant you that nobody should be brutally killed, this person elected to put him or herself in a dangerous position. This fact cannot be overlooked.

Grow Up

The basic fact is the people need to grow up. Children blame others for their ills in life. This is a sign of immaturity. Sadly, many adults have the exact same mindset. Fortunately, I am here with this post to try and snap some of you out of it.

Accept this: unless it was a complete act of nature, you deserve everything you get in life. If you do not like what you are getting, alter it. But stop blaming others for the choices you made.

-You were the one who married him (her)
-You decided to submit to someone after only being around the lifestyle for a few week.
-You were the one who got involved with a new Dom (sub)
-You were the one who allowed yourself to be tied up without knowing the safety precautions.
-You were the one who offered her the collar.
-You were the one applied for the job.
-You were the one who chose to live there.
-You were the one who spent the money.
-You were the one who gave her access to your bank account.
-You were the one who moved three states to be with him.

There was a time when I felt compelled to exert energy to try and protect new people (especially one the submissive side) from the ills that occur online. No more. My experience is that people are mostly too foolish to see what they are doing. Now, my approach is to put the warnings out there through my writing and leave it at that. Everyone here is an adult. If someone tragic befalls one, I feel safe in concluding that at some point she (he) made a decision to put herself in that situation. I do not buy into the blaming of others. Sub, slave, Master, Dom...we all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves. Common sense is a wonderful asset that seems to be at a premium. Those who lack is (or dont apply it) will suffer the ill-fated consequences. And, sadly, they deserve it.

So grow up and accept responsibility.

Bad Experiences: Our Common Denominator

This post might seem a bit uncaring. The only reason why I take this approach is because the message needs to be rammed home like John Holmes forcing his huge member into a virgin. A wake up call needs to be delivered.

The base fact is that we all had bad experiences. Whatever you are dealing with is not unique. Our posting about certain topics comes from experience i.e. we did the same stupid thing you are doing. We warn because it is a case of 'this is what we did and this is what happened'. Most of us were naive enough to believe someone was who he or she stated only to find out later that it was a viciously lie. At the same time, we also know the experience of getting involved with someone who appeared to be something only to turn out to be something else. Falling for lies, manipulation, and cons are part of our track record. We all were there.

However, in each situation we had to own up to the fact that we were the ones making the decisions. Even in a M/s situation, a slave is the one who chooses whether to submit to one or not. It is her choice. If she makes a bad one, that is on her. The same thing on the dominant side. Everything we do in life involves making a choice. And, all those choices have consequences. Since we made the decision, we have to live with the consequences. Therefore, you created what circumstance you are in.

Welcome to adulthood.

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Taking Responsibility: A Personal Story

There recently was an event in my household which epitomizes the nature of the M/s relationship and the responsibility each person carries. Over the last few months, I have written posts on different occasions outlining the fact that part of being a Master is to eliminate the idea of blaming. Too many are in the habit of point the finger at others, thus, absolving themselves of responsibility. A Master does not have this luxury.

It Goes Both Ways

The common outlook that I see is that the dominants who I see online want to 'have their cake and eat it too'. For most of the Doms, this pertains to sex. I believe the BDSM allure it to be able to take a woman whenever and however he sees fit. This means not having to deal with the 'honey I have a headache' stuff. Expand this concept out to encompass those who are 'Masters' and we find people who like the fact that someone (a slave) will do whatever is instructed.

Another caveat that enters the picture on the M/s side of things is the fact that many operate from the place that property cannot own property. Ergo, we see many M/s relationships, especially those where the parties are together for an extended period, where the slave hands over all financial earnings to the Master. She owns nothing and everything is his. What a deal!

Of course, this goes both ways. What our online Master and Doms fail to realize is that he bears responsibility in return for what is received. In other words, when one is willing to hand all over to you, including the decisions that are made, the onus falls upon your shoulders. You are the one responsible for the outcome. There is nobody to blame for the shortcomings in the situation. A true Master realizes this without exception. A slave might make mistakes but the ultimate responsibility always lies with him.

A Personal Story

My slave was employed with a company she joined a bit over a year ago. Over that time, there were things that occurred which I did not like in terms of the way she was treated. When she brought these situations to my attention, I guided her as to what her response should be. Obediently, she followed my directions.

A couple weeks ago, she was caught in the middle of a hatchet job. Politics and insecurity were a major reason for her being let go. Needless to say she was upset in addition to being angry. Nobody likes to be fired especially when they are doing the job (better than the rest of the crew). However, it is especially hard on a slave when she knows she has a Master to answer to. The level of disappointing is increased.

Certainly it is easy for me to take the approach that it was her fault she lost the job. I could point to the fact that she should have interacted with some others better and not been so terse with them. However, I need to realize that it was I who was directing her to interact with the different departments in the way she did. If there is any blame to be placed it is squarely on me. I cannot point the finger at her in this instance. She was just being obedient.

Therefore, the loss of household income is a situation I created. This is where my other responsibility enters the picture: the household expenses are mine. I am the one who needs to take care of my slave. Again, I can allude to the fact that a couple thousand in take home pay is no longer coming in. None of this absolves me of the overall responsibility I have as a Master. At the end of the month, it is me who needs to take care of things. That is what a Master does.

This is a far cry from what you hear spewed online. Few are willing to talk about this point. However, if you are going to take on a slave, understand that you are responsible for the life of that person. Therefore, the next time you want to point the finger at someone else, be prepared to cut it off. Being a Master has no place for the absolving oneself of responsibility. If you do, then we will know you are nothing more than a comic book Master seeking to play. True Masters take on the onus of another because he knows that is what he is to do.

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The 50s Lifestyle

Many want to establish their relationships around the 1950's concept of how a household was run. During this time period, the man was the unequivocal leader of the household. The woman was subservient to him. This was something that went without discussion. It simply was the way things were. Remember, this is long before the Equal Rights Movement and womens lib. It is amazing to see so many yearning for a return to what was after so many battles were fought seeking the freedom to get out of this situation. I guess that is a debate for another day. The point is that many seek living under a roof where the man is in control.

My Grandmother

My grandmother lived this exact scenario that we discussed. She was a homemaker with all power being in the hands of my grandfather. It was a male dominated society and this was not questioned. Her life was dedicated to the raising of a family while keeping my grandfather happy. It was the atypical 'June Cleaver' existence.

One thing that needs mentioning is that my grandfather, because of work, traveled a lot. This was the 1940s so we aren't referring to hopping on an airplane to take a shuttle flight. Rather, it was the era where one got on a train and rode for a full day to arrive at a destination where a business meeting was held. In the time period, it was not uncommon for men like my grandfather to leave early Monday morning and return Friday night. This meant that the rearing of the children was left to the woman of the house.

On that side of my family, there are 5 children. The age difference between the oldest and the youngest is 16 years. Therefore, my grandmother had her hands full for many years. Add in the fact that the oldest was a bit troublesome (the eventual decision to discipline him was my grandfather locking him out of the house at 17 and him enlisting in the Navy) and you can see how her responsibilities were enormous. Basically, the buck stopped with my grandmother.

Strength

Why do I bring up this point? My intention is to show how one can be subservient while being strong. For those who believe that being submissive to someone else is a sign of weakness and an invitation to walk all over that person, think again. This was a living example of how strength and submissiveness are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, I believe that for one to properly submit, he or she requires a great deal of strength. The 'kiddie doms' of the world like to believe that a submissive is someone who is needy and weak. This is not the case. The concept of giving one's life completely to another is something that few of us can identify with. There needs to be a tremendous amount of trust, confidence, and inner desire to serve for this to occur. It is sad how so many want to pervert this idea into something shameful. It is not. A true submissive is one of the strongest people that you will meet. She is one who knows exactly what is wanted and is willing to go get it. This is done in spite of the societal conditioning that teaches the exact opposite. In the Western cultures, we do not value service. Instead, we promote power and domination. I can assure you that it takes just as much strength to serve as it does to control.

Clarity

Many refer to the 1950s as a simpler time where good values were exhibited by almost everyone. While there is certainly some truth to this, I believe it was a time where people had clarity. What I mean by this is that the power structure was obvious. Everyone knew the roles.

For example, my grandmother was the backbone of the family. She was obligated with the responsibility of raising the children. This meant that discipline was part of the deal. And it was a role that she took to heart (as I learned her ways did not stop with only her children but grandchildren also). Since my grandfather was not present a great deal of the time, she was left to tend to the daily mishaps which would arise with such a bunch. Everyone knew who was in charge.

Of course, she always had the immortal threat 'wait until your father gets home'. I can only imagine what that would be like...dealing with a man who just spent 8 hours on a train returning home to find a list of disciplinary actions to be rendered on his plate. Common sense tells me this is a scenario most would try to avoid and from what I heard it rarely took place. My grandmother, for the most part, excelled at handling the problems as they arose. Her husband was the breadwinner; she tended to the children. Nothing can be clearer than that.

BDSM help to define the different roles within the relationship. The power structure is clear. There is one person in charge and the other follows. Equality, when it comes to power, is not part of the equation. It is impossible to step on toes since each person is assigned with a different responsibility. If each takes his/her position seriously, then you have the foundation for a successful relationship. The problem arises when one (or both) parties are playing games with this. Then the lines of demarcation get skewed.

One final thought. My grandmother never knelt before my grandfather. However, there was no question as to who was the controlling force. Each person knew exactly who had the power without making a spectacle of it. Sadly, we see many in the BDSM world who get all caught up with the protocols of submission. Those who need one to kneel before him to feel in control are lacking in power. As my example showed, even without kneeling, all knew what the situation was. Remember this the next time you see someone caught up in the protocol. True power does not come from the protocol followed but, rather, the individuals involved in the relationship.

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A Submissive's Self Esteem

On my social website, I wrote a post the other day about submissive types who feel the need to post on their profiles that they are not a 'doormat'. The point of the post is that those who understand the lifestyle do not equate submissiveness with weakness. In fact, those that are weak really do not belong in the BDSM arena. It takes strength to live this life.

Desperation

To start, those who are weak tend to come from a place of desperation. What this means is the person who is entering the lifestyle has two strikes against him or her. In my experience, most will fall prey to those who are ill-intentioned. The desperation causes one to accept things someone with a higher esteem would not.

Again I say, submission is not a sign of weakness. Those who believe that submissive people are meant to be preyed upon really do not understand the strength that is required to live this lifestyle. Instead, they hop from site to site trolling for anyone naive enough to think they are worth more than a laugh.

How does the situation change when one has a healthy self-esteem. From the onset, a person of this ilk will not find herself submitting to someone who is nothing more than an ass disguised as a Dom/Master. Those who are desperate often exhibit the tendency to submit to anyone who will pay attention. I am firmly convinced many would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. Their lives are that empty and unsuccessful.

Also, one who is not desperate will be willing to wait. Patience is not something the needy have. Instead, they jump at the first person and want to go from hello to moving in. We see this all the time from our wonderful online submissives who tell us they are moving in with Master (that they only met online three weeks ago). Would a healthy person do this? I think not.

Value In Service

I found those who lack a good self-esteem are of little worth to me. People who fall into the category tend to be childish in their outlook. They believe that being a slave is about being taken care of. Their 'service' is a guise for their real motivation: they want someone to provide for them. While I acknowledge that a true Master looks after and is willing to offer all a slave needs, when one is lacking self worth, the ability to perform is diminished.

Those with standards need to realize that there are many who are quite frankly beneath them. I state this as a matter of practicality. There majority of people I encounter, especially online, are neurotic. I will caveat here to mention that this idea applies equally to our so called 'dominants' as it does those on the submissive side. I find there is a lack of appreciable skills available. As a Master, I am not seeking someone to babysit. However, this is what is required.

Also, when dealing with someone with absolutely no esteem, the ability to teach and grow is diminished. One who is coming from this perspective requires a great deal of effort in just the common sense approaches to life. While past abuse certainly can play a part in all this, the truth is that a Master is often taking on more than he can handle in this scenario. People of this nature ought to get the proper treatment from the psychological profession before moving into this realm.

People who want to serve are to be appreciated and respected. I believe that one's submission is a natural tendency that one uncovers. Because of this, one should not be degraded or put down simply because of their natural makeup. Those who feel that the submissive side of the equation is the 'weaker' one are sadly mistaken. Living a life of service goes against every teaching of our society. We are trained to strive for power and achievement. Working our way up the corporate ladder is the common mindset. Those who are employed in the service sector are looked down upon and treated miserably. This conception is firmly implanted in all that enter into this lifestyle. Yet, many proceed forward because of the value they can offer through their service.

A Job From Within

Self-esteem is an inner job. People who are weak tend to blame others for their plight in life. The fact is that we all choose our own paths. If one is of adult age, all decisions are yours. The responsibility of your life rests firmly on your shoulders. Even though we have ideas placed within us, we are the ones who determine whether they remain or not.

Those who look to a Master, husband, boyfriend, or anyone else for their esteem will quickly realize that they will never have any. It is not what you do that mandates your level of esteem but how you feel about yourself. Self-esteem translates into strength. Yet so few have it because they cede this power to everyone else.

The truth is that what others think of you is of little importance. In fact, in most instances, it is none of your business. Sure we want our children to respect and admire us....something that rarely happens. Our spouses love us but most often we want them fawning all over us. Our employers need to show continual appreciation for the wonderful work we do or else we are nervous about our worth. And on and on it goes.

Ultimately, the seeking of worth from outside becomes addictive. Like a drug, there is never enough. Those who live according to the appreciation of others will never find peace and contentment since they are always concerned about the viewpoint of others. A 'congratulation' today turns into 'why doesn't he appreciate me anymore' tomorrow. Those seeking the continual admiration and recognition of others are the weakest members of our society. If this is a person seeking a life in the BDSM world, they are in for a tough haul. These are the ones we see continually taken advantage of by the pretenders.

Resign yourself not to be one of these people. Start the process of working on your own self-esteem by looking in the mirror and liking who you are. If there are some things about yourself you dislike, then work on changing them. But, understand that your worth as a submissive is directly tied to how you view yourself. If you are one who feels you are worthless, then you will be. Get ready to be abused because that is the path you are choosing to follow.

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