Domination Through Bullying

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.

Strength?

Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.

Domination

One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

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Sub versus Slave

This is one of the eternal debated within the lifestyle that has raged since one first put a collar on another. Today, I am going to spell out some ideas that should clarify this tussle once and for all.

Submission

We often talk about submission and the viewpoint of a 'submissive'. These are terms that tend to be all encompassing capturing a wide range of people in the mix. While this is acceptable for most discussions, I am going to delve a bit deeper to clarify this for everyone.

A 'sub' is simply a person who is submissive. This type of person enters into a relationship commonly referred to as D/s. Here, one gets involved with a Dom/Domme for the purpose of interacting in a relationship. These two people establish the guidelines for the relationship and take it as deeply as they decide.

The key aspect with this relationship is that the 'sub' has the choice a say as to what the parameters are. Typically, there are aspects of this relationship which are 'off limits'. The Dom/Domme has control only over the areas that are agreed upon. Because of this dynamic, 'no' is always a viable option for the bottom.

Another fundamental component is that the sub is a person of a submissive nature. Since the entire relationship is built upon the domination/submission dynamic, one person needs to fill this void. A sub is a person who commonly submits naturally. Of course, as mentioned, there are certain areas where the dominant one cannot exercise his/her control.

Slavery

Slaves tend to be submissive in nature also but not always. The reason why I state this is because, in consensual slavery, those who aren't submissive typically will not be drawn to this way of life. A person of submissive nature is attracted to the idea of ceding control over to another. However, as you will see, submissiveness is not something that is important.

When one enters into a M/s relationship, he or she is agreeing to submit to that person in all areas of life. In other words, all boundaries that are established are made by the Master/Mistress. Negotiation, debate, and compromise is not part of this equation. The exchange of power is obvious while being complete. Anything that is agreed upon is only done with the consent of the dominant one. This is a remarkable difference from the parameters established in D/s.

'No' is never an option for a slave. To deny a demand is simply to rock the very foundation of the M/s agreement. When one 'submits', he or she is agreeing to give up all of oneself. This is where the concept of 'property' enters into the picture. An person is owned once he or she grants the power over to another.

So, if submissiveness isn't the most crucial factor of M/s, then what is? The simple answer is obedience. M/s is established upon the premise of unconditional obedience. One need not worry about submitting but, rather, obeying.

Repeated Submission

A sub engages in what I call 'repeated submission'. What this means is that on a daily basis, many times, a sub will have to decide whether to acquiesce to the order placed upon him or her. Each interval is confronted with the question should I or shouldn't I? This is not so for a slave. A slave does not submit repeatedly. This process occurs once. After that, submission isn't sought but, rather, obedience.

Many will consider this a fine line. However, I feel that it spells how far apart the two life paths are. Subs do what comes natural by submitting to another in those areas which he/she is comfortable. If, at any time, one feels that a Dom/Domme crossed the line into an area that is off-limits or unnatural, he or she is within reason to say 'no'. Again, a slave doesn't have this luxury. He or she selected a path (slavery) that is dedicated to obedience. The fact that is it consensual does not alter the makeup of the relationship. Slavery has not changed in 2,000 years. Throughout history, one was simply expected to obey.

Sex Slaves

What about those who profess to be 'sex slaves'? Aren't they dictating what aspects their submission applies to? I would answer this by saying they are...and that is why they are not slaves. Slavery, by its definition is complete. Those who are 'consensual sex slave' are either ones choosing to submit in the sexual arena only or role playing with their partner. Most use the term 'slave' because they receive an erotic uplifting by thinking in these terms. Nevertheless, these people are not sex slaves.

The true sex slave is one who is not engage in the practice consensually (for the most part). We see these individuals in reports on television. Sex slaves are people who are taken from their home(land) and sold into the sex slave trade against their will. Their 'service' isn't only obligated to sexual matters. Instead, their entire lives are controlled by their captors. This is a remarkable difference from what our 'sex slaves' on the BDSM sites are referring to. Again, that is something completely different.

In closing, I want you to consider the traditional model of slavery. Today, we differ in the fact that consent is required. However, once we attain that, the same rules apply bearing in mind that we still live in a society with other laws that we must follow (that caveat is aimed at all those who want to debate this point by stating 'you cant kill her even if she is your slave'...yeah no shit Sherlock-that is called murder in most countries). A slave's effectiveness is judged based upon obedience. His/her outlook is irrelevant as long as the task assigned is completed to satisfaction. The consent to living as a slave is all that is required. After that, no consent is necessary.

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Domination: A Misconception

Domination is a factor that makes up 50% of a BDSM relationship. It is impossible to have a relationship without having this. There is nobody for one to submit to unless there is another person willing to dominate. This is just a factor that is indisputable.

Fortunately, there seems to be no shortage of people who are willing to step in and call themselves 'dominant'. Chatrooms and forums are full of people who enter and immediately proclaim themselves 'Masters'. Perhaps there are a few instances where this is warranted but most of them are simply assuming a role. Often this is decided by the societal mantra that one should control and dominant. We live in a culture that promotes the strong while downplaying the contribution of those in roles of service. Everyone wants to be 'Gordon Gecko' of Wall Street fame.

Take Care Of Me

I will show this point by telling you what happens in my own life. My slave cooks for me. She does my ironing. All food shopping is handled by her. She contributes financially to my house. Her efforts help me to work towards my goals. Sexual servitude is performed in any manner I desire. My house is maintained by her both inside and outside. These are just a few of the duties that she performs for me.

This is what a slave does. He or she performs the tasks that a Master (Mistress) sets forth. However, the difference is that I do not need my slave to do any of these things for me. I am perfectly capable of performing all of these duties myself. I am not dependent upon her to take care of me. While she makes my life easier in many ways, I do not need her to do them to get where I am seeking. Her efforts assist me as opposed to her taking care of me.

Many do not fall into the same category. I see many who want a slave who will take care of them. There are many out there who are seeking to have someone provide for them financially when they cannot do it themselves. Others come to depend upon another for emotional stability and look to that person for significance.

This is not domination.

Weakness

Those who look to another to do what he or she cannot do oneself is weak and I do not believe someone without strength can ever dominate another. (As a side note, I do not believe that a weak person can adequately submit to another either. Strength is required on that side of the equation also). To successfully dominate another, I feel that one needs to be complimenting oneself and not replacing a 'lack' within oneself.

To put it bluntly, there are many individuals with lives that are a complete mess. Every aspect of lives are in total chaos. Financially they are in dire straights. Emotionally they are walking around as an open nerve responding to every stimulus out there. Their physical health is awful with obesity and laziness prevailing. They are lonely people without much direction.

The problem arises when these same people enter the BDSM world by stating they are dominant. There seems to be a belief that simply because one bought into the societal notion of power and control then he/she is naturally inclined to dominate another. I find that to be untrue. Domination requires a great deal more than that.

Get Your House In Order

Before you can successfully dominate another, I believe you need to get your own house in order. There are certain skills required to excel in this realm. The fact that one is struggling in every area of his/her life shows a lack of these abilities. Success permeates throughout all facets of our lives. Relationships are about interaction with another person. Those who cannot do this in the 'vanilla' aspects of life will face certain failure here also.

Ignoring the fact that I cannot understand why any submissive will be attracted to a person of this nature, I feel there is a basic component missing from a relationship established upon these grounds. My experience is that a submissive person is seeking strength in a dominant. Now, I know we can describe strength in many different ways but the bottom line is that certain skills lend themselves to life success. Having a person lacking in this strength will result in the relationship being strained. Commonly the submissive ends up having to compensate for what is missing in the dominant. This is a position that I find most true submissive types detest. My experience is that few enjoy being in the dominant position when they entered a relationship seeking to be dominated. And this is exactly what happens.

A submissive is not designed to take care of a dominant. If you are one seeking to be 'taken care of', then I suggest you look at why you are entering this way of life. BDSM is a wonderful choice for many people. However, it is not a substitute for the failure to achieve basic interpersonal skills. Make sure that you have the ability to dominate before you accept taking on someone else. To decide this, look at all the other areas of your life. How are you doing there? If everything is a total mess, perhaps you want to tend to them before you bring on another. A sub/slave should compliment your life, not make it.

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Emotional Issues

Before getting into today's topic, I will issue a disclaimer of sorts. There are some people who have deep-seeded emotional issues which require professional attention. These are not the people I am referring to. Anyone who is in this situation should always be directed to the proper medical facilities to garner the proper treatment. Mental and psychological issues are best left to the pros.

That being said, today I am going to direct this post to those who seek to dominate (although it is as applicable to submissive types). I encounter so many who like the idea of having someone do everything that he or she is told. Granted, this is one of the benefits of being a Dom/Master. In addition, when one adds in poly, the idea is absolutely heavenly for many. Now, there are two people to serve him or her. This is something that is really attractive on the surface.

Emotional Control

I often write about the need for everyone to focus attention on growth. One area that is highly important is growing emotionally. Most people suffer from a lack of emotional control. In fact, it is so back that many people are nothing more than a raw nerve waiting to erupt. Their entire life is ruled by emotions. They are the classic stimulus-response example. If something happens (stimulus) they instantly respond from an emotional perspective. The emotions are in control.

As mentioned, this is something that much of the population suffers from. It is not just individuals involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Nor is it something that is exclusive for submissives. Dominant personalities are just as inclined to fall off the emotional ledge if they are not careful. That is why I believe all should seek to increase their emotional abilities.

Domination Is About Control

We all have seen children who behave in manners befitting of a child. Sadly, all of us witnessed the same behavior out of adults. It is never pretty to see one 'lose' it emotionally. Whether it is the fits of rage from anger or the shedding of tears in fear, the result is the same: one is not viewed as 'together'. In an age where we are sensitized to the point where it is okay for men to cry, we lost site of the fact that those who are out-of-control emotionally fail to be in control. People refuse to follow basket cases.

Relationships are about trust. Those who are entrusted with leading a relationship must be worthy of that trust. Emotional control is one way this is done. One who has this ability is viewed as strong. Sadly for the masses, the reverse is also true. Domination is about control and it starts with controlling oneself. Make this a priority in your life.

Dealing With Breakdowns

Everyone has emotional breakdowns periodically. This does not mean that we are a candidate for the local loony bin. However, we all get upset to the point where we allow the situation get the best of us. I believe this is human nature. However, there is a far cry from the occasional instance as compared to a personal pattern.

One of the responsibilities of a Dom/Master is to deal with the breakdowns when they occur. Getting back to the nirvana of multiple subs/slaves, one needs to expect that he or she will get hit with simultaneous breakdowns. The term 'threesome' doesnt only apply to the bedroom. Having two woman (in this instance as example) means that you get to deal with twice the issues. Suddenly the utopia that was your life turned into alternative hell. Tears, yelling, and name calling are par for the course. And, I can tell you from experience, the balancing act between the two is impossible. No matter what one does, it is never enough. One will always feels slighted (usually both do). Acceptance that this is a no-win situation is your only chance of survival.

The trick is to get one settled on firmer ground so as to attend to the other one. Of course, this is not always possible. Oftentimes, a Dom/Master is powerless over either since they both are emotionally out of control. This leads back to the original point that growth is the most important priority in any relationship. If a sub/slave is not growing emotionally, problems will ensue in the future. This situation is only compounded in the poly realm. Emotionally immature people do not have the capability to rationally work their issues out. Therefore, the only solution is for a Dom/Master to treat both as children. If you got into BDSM to be a babysitter then this will be heavenly. However, for the rest of us, it is a major pain in the ass.

Consider these words the next time you set eyes on your sub/slave. Is this person growing emotionally? Ask yourself this question on a regular basis. And do not forget to look in the mirror yourself. An emotionally out-of-control Dom/Master is less useful than a submissive. Your work starts with you.

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Overnight Submission

This is something that we see done all the time in the online world. People enter this lifestyle and start chatting with someone only to 'submit' to that person after a week or two. What is irritating is these are the very same people who proclaim 'My Master is the best int he world' or 'She is the best slave I ever met'. The question I have is how do you know that?

Time

The simple truth is that relationships take time. No matter what the lifestyle or arena in which people are interacting in, it takes time to develop rapport with another person. We see this in the workplace where a Manger/employee relationship is forged over the course of years. Obviously, people need to spend time together before being able to take the step of entering into marriage. And, friendships are not developed overnight but, rather, take a lot of interaction for each person being comfortable to call the other a 'friend'.

No matter what the situation, trust needs time to develop. We all would like to trust someone immediately after meeting them. However, for most of us, this is something we are incapable of doing. Past situations leave an imprint upon our psyche. Everyone who has interacted with another person was 'burnt' on at least one occasion. Trust is something that we all had broken in the past. Because of this, we tend to be a bit 'gun shy' in the beginning. Most can adequately get past this given enough time but it doesnt happen overnight.

Of course, there are some who take the exact opposite track. Instead of withholding their trust, they give it to anyone who will interact with them. These are the ones who tend to lack common sense and are apt to find themselves in situations which are dangerous. The truth is that bad people do exist. We cannot know the motivation of each person we meet. While we like to think everyone is noble, reality shows us otherwise.

The fact to remember is that it takes time to develop a relationship.

An Added Factor

There is one area which is worth mentioning that is rather unique to the BDSM community. It is something that many will want to question before getting involved with another. Sadly, few ever do this. The factor that I am referring to is in the area of experience. I believe everyone should thoroughly know exactly how much BDSM experience one has and if it is real time or not. There is a safety component that the rest of the world does not have to deal with. Therefore, ask and if you do not receive satisfactory answers, move on.

Why do I bring this point up? When we consider relationships, one might ask a potential mate how many times he or she was married. This is natural. Nevertheless, few ask how many dates the person went on or what his/her level of experience is in relationships. The truth is that rarely does it matter in the traditional world. One might be married a couple of times due to circumstances beyond his/her control. Of course, if the person was married 7 or 8 times, that might be a warning sign. However, under normal circumstances the dating experience of another is irrelevant.

That is not true in the BDSM world. We are engaged in activities that stray from the beaten path. Experience in this arena shows that one is able to performs duties and activities that a newer person might struggle with. While newer people might try to fake things to get by, ultimately the true is evident fairly quickly. There simply is no substitute for experience.

Before going any further with this idea, I will state that experience is equally applicable to both dominants and submissives. Some believe that the experience is only needed on the part of the dominant since he/she is responsible for the safety of the other person. This is true but I have met many 'submissives' who hadnt a clue about how to live in a BDSM relationship. And, I find that one's experience is more important the further along one goes on the power exchange spectrum. Many self-proclaimed slaves have caused tremendous damage simply by trying to be something they are not. This is not something that one can fake.

An experienced person will be able to interact with another in a safe, effective manner for the role he/she is there to fulfill. Of course, there was a time when we all were new. Thus, if one does lack the experience, it is best to get that out on the table. A lack of honesty is a surefire way to eliminate trust instantly. What can take months to erect is washed out in a few minutes simply by not telling the truth. So, anyone who is new, do not feel bad about admitting it. In most instances, the time spent getting to know the other person can also be utilized to increase your abilities. This will somewhat negate the factor of experience.

In the end, resist the temptation to submit to someone instantly. It is best to take the time to get to know that person. Once you believe you have a good understanding about him or her, then you can choose to submit. Just be sure it takes longer than a week.

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Get Your Life In Order

This post is going to be primarily directed at the dominate ones out there. While this will apply equally to the submissives, I notice that people are falling down on their responsibilities. For whatever reason, many think that they can enter the life in a matter of minutes. I notice newer people believe that it is easy to dominate another. This is not the case. Taking another life into your hands is something that should not be done lightly. Yet, so many enter this life unprepared to deal with what awaits them.

You Can Not Give What You Do Not Have

If this were a rule, most people would fail it miserably. We would see the number of people involved in this way of life reduced by 85% instantly. For one to be successful in a dominant role, one must have something to offer. This is a crucial point.

I see so many who approach this life who have lives that are a complete mess. If there is one word to describe it I would use "chaos". They are total failures in many regards while making a train wreck of everything they are involved in. Yet, they believe they are capable of taking on another and running his/her life. Thinking like this is dangerous and bordering upon insanity.

Before you can give something, you must first have that quality yourself. It is impossible to pass along something that you do not have. This is a simple fact of life. Knowledge, experience, and accomplishment are all things that are transferable if you have them. Sadly, most try to assume the role without having the qualities him or herself.

Similarity Repels

There is a saying that like attracts like. However, in the world of magnets, opposites attract while like repels. A dominant and a submissive are drawn to each other because they each fill a role. At the same time, it needs to be noted that the attraction is based upon what each will do for the other. A submissive is looking for certain qualities before his/her submission is fulfilled and vice versa.

One things that submissives want is guidance. They want someone who will successful manage his or her life. A dominant in a BDSM relationship is a leader who makes decisions based upon what is best for the relationship. Usually, submissive types made a wreck of their lives (in my experience) and need direction to straighten things out. At this point, this is where similarity repels. A dominant who has an equally chaotic life will not provide stability and confidence.

How successful would you be if you took weight loss advice from a 350 pound man? Do you think an accountant who owes back taxes is the best person to do your tax returns? Would you hire an imprisoned attorney to defend you on criminal charges? The answer for most sane people is "no". We go to people for help who we think has the ability to provide the direction we need. Obviously, anyone lacking the basic skills in these areas is one we want to avoid.

Get Your Life In Order

Before you decide to enter into this life, get your own life in order first. This is especially true for anyone who is seeking to live as a dominant. If your life is a mess, you cannot rightly expect to be successful with someone else. Taking care of yourself is needed if you are to take over another.

If you are broke, homeless, senseless, and/or addicted to drugs/alcohol, take care of those issues first. Also, if you suffer from an extreme case of immaturity, spend time growing up a bit before entering into this life. A sub/slave is looking for someone to take control. Dominating is a great deal more than just barking out orders all day. It means providing a direction for another life in a way that challenges him/her to grow so as to be of maximum service. This is an impossibility if you are clueless about the general aspect of life. You track record in your life overall serves as a gauge to how fit you are at achieving your ends. Submissive types want someone who will lead them to success. Trying to fake it will not work.

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Conversion of Spouse

As I always try to share from my experience, this post is going to take the perspective of a submissive who found this life and is interested in having a spouse join in. The reason I am doing this is because I have yet to come across the opposite where a dominant wants to approach the spouse about this way of life. That is not to say it does not exist, just that I never personally talked to anyone in that situation.

Most Start Vanilla

Because of the way society trains us to believe, most of us begin our relationship journeys pursuing the traditional model. This is what we know and are led to think is the path to happiness. Many of us follow this advice for years before we realize that it simply is not for us. Perhaps we went through a couple of marriages in addition to a host of other relationships. There are instances were children are a result of some of those relationships. These are all factors that need consideration when moving into this way of life.

Naturally, not all who come upon this lifestyle are unhappy with their present situation. Many people are in successful marriages when finding BDSM. However, they find that even though they are content with their partner, they desire a bit more. This is where some of the conflict begins to arise.

It is amazing how people suddenly get the desire to take their vanilla marriage and move it to a full blown BDSM relationship. Again, I am going from the submissive (mostly female) perspective and wanting to get her husband to be a Dom. I cannot tell you the number of people who told me they want their husband to take complete control. They ask "how can I get him to do that"? A better question is how do you make a pig sing?

Internal Tendencies

I am a believer that we all have internal tendencies towards either submission or domination. It is something that might be hidden from us, especially on the dominant side since society promotes against the idea. However, whenever we find an opportunity to engage in this behavior, our natural inclinations can take over. Now, please bear in mind that a natural tendency does not make one a Master or slave. Training is still a part of the process. Nevertheless, the desire is a starting point.

Getting back to the prospect of converting a vanilla person, I believe that most times it is a fruitless proposition. Typically, the spouse of the one who is doing the searching is perfectly happy with the dynamic of the relationship. Sure he might enjoy some kinkier play. But the thought of actually controlling all aspects of the relationship is not to his liking. Many get into relationships with the idea of having an equal partner to share all aspects of life with. Equality is not part of the BDSM life. This is a path that purposely opts for inequality.

Implementing BDSM

So how do you go about if this is the situation that you find yourself in. Well, I would say that you need to accept the fact that this is going to be a slow process in most instances. Some might take to this life instantly. However, I found most who are willing to move towards it do so at a paced manner.

The first thing that I would do is to start getting him reading about what aspects of the life interest you. See what his reaction is. Let him know what your desires are and how you would like to see him fulfill them. Like all things, communication is key. You have a better chance the more you are able to talk about things.

Another suggestion is to be prepared to back off after the initial introduction. It often is best to let an idea sit and ferment. As mentioned, few take to this immediately. There is a chance he will be more accommodating to things if it is presented slowly. Let him adjust. Going straight from vanilla to a full blown M/s relationship, as an example, is not likely to happen.

Some will find that there is a dominant desire dwelling within him. It is possible that this is natural for him even though society promoted the idea of equality. Nevertheless, this does not guarantee that he will be accepting of the change in his relationship. Many do like the equality that a vanilla relationship provides.

Ultimately, you might find that the bedroom activities are all that he is interested in exploring. This is a terrific starting place and probably where most people involved in BDSM reside. Of course, this brings up the question of whether this is enough for you or not. The ones I came across seem to want the total domination that M/s offers. Therefore, I can only conclude that this type of person is seeking a lot more than just being sexually controlled.

The bottom line is that not all people are cut out to live this way. Those who look for it are going after a yen that is within them.. Yet it is unfair to presume that everyone will like this. Be careful with trying to convert someone from the vanilla world. There is a better-than-average chance that he will not take to it. That is just my experience.

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First You Learn Then...

The proverbial cart before the horse applies to the BDSM community. These two go together like bears to honey. People seem to get everything mixed up when they first find this way of life. This post will help to clarify things.

Learn. Learn. Learn

Few seem willing to take the time to learn what the hell this way of life is all about. Instead, they believe because they woke up one day believing they were dominant or submissive, this is the life for them. For many, this is true. However, as regular readers of this blog know, there are many different facets to this way of life. Also, none of us are born with the inherent instincts to be a good Master or slave. Everything that pertains to this way of life requires education, study and practice. It takes dedication to be successful in BDSM.

The foundation of BDSM is a relationship. We are involved with another person(s) to some degree. Hence, basic interpersonal skills are the first requirement. What is sad is that many, if they had any to start, seem to lose these skills once finding BDSM. Common sense characteristics go right out the window. What was once a fairly smart and logical person suddenly because a gullible fool apt to be used by anyone who comes along. This is something I suggest you avoid.

A way to counteract much of what happens, is to educate yourself about this way of life. The simple truth is that much of what we are into is radically different from what the mainstream teaches us. We are into a lifestyle that celebrates power division to the point where a total exchange of power can occur. Naturally, this is far removed from the idea of equality that the vanilla world espouses. Also, we have a terminology and protocol which again is separate from what we grew up with.

Therefore, education is the only proper route to take. Those who seek knowledge by reading and studying are the ones who are going to succeed. Unfortunately, this is the minority of people that I encounter.

Rush Into A Relationship

If you want a sense of how people acted during the Gold Rush in the 1800s, simply look at any BDSM chatroom. You will see people who were in this lifestyle under a week suddenly with their true "One". The submission process takes all of about 5 minutes from start to finish. These people have no idea what the hell is going on yet they are suddenly involved in a full-blown BDSM relationship. Of course, like the Florida weather, if you do not like something, wait an hour and it will change. These relationships end up cracking since there is no foundation with either party.

Resist the temptation to rush into a relationship with anyone in the BDSM community, especially online. The reason for this is simple: a new person cannot distinguish between someone who is knowledgeable and speaking from experience compared to someone who is spitting out stuff he or she read on a website. The pretenders (or fakes) are large in number. Knowing the difference is a skill that is imperative. The only way I know to prepare for these people is to arm yourself with knowledge. Again, this is done by reading and interacting with those in the know.

The Submission Process

In my best-selling book, An Owned Life, I laid out the process in which submission ought to take place. This was developed from watching hundreds of relationships go awry because people "put the cart before the horse". The ideas that I am sharing here follow the same pattern. There is a path to success if one is willing to follow it.

Submission is something that is exciting and natural for those who are designed for it. At the same time, those who are dominant are fulfilled by accepting this from another. However, as you can imagine, the idea of accepting one's submission simply because it is offered is ludicrous. So is offering it to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who comes along. There are certain things that one should look for in another before entering in a BDSM relationship.

The lifestyle has a lot to offer. There are many who committed to this way of life because they did the internal reflecting necessary to arrive at a life-changing conclusion. Most, unfortunately, are not willing to go through this effort. For that reason, we seem to have many "fly by night" people who are here to test the waters out. They get into a BDSM relationship to see if they will like it. Wrong. That is a recipe for certain disaster.

Before anything else can happen, one must be willing to commit to this way of life. Reversing the process is akin to deciding to forgo heterosexuality since your first relationship did not work out. Most fail in their first relationship yet remain true to their sexual preference. The same exists within the BDSM world. One must be true to the lifestyle before committing (through the giving or acceptance of submission) to another. It is logical although something that is commonly lacking.

Your Challenge

Your challenge is to learn as much as you can about the many facets of the BDSM world. After a reasonable amount of study, you should have the ability to interact with people on a knowledgeable level. Believe me when I tell you that it does not take a great deal of knowledge to separate yourself from the pack. Most are playing games in ways which just fulfill fantasies. This is not what BDSM is all about. Certainly, we engage in a sexual element that makes most jealous. However, there is a much deeper level that most seek out. If you are one who truly wants this, I hypothesize that you fit into this category.

I put together my social site as a mean of bringing together people who are serious about this way of life. I suggest you visit it and become active in some of the different forums and blogs posts. There are groups set up which cover some of the facets of this way of life. Join them to start expanding your mindset. Getting involved in the sharing of knowledge is an effective way of approaching this lifestyle. Those of us who are around the block a while are perfectly willing to share our experience with those who truly seek to learn. Is that you?

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Attracting A Sub Online

I wrote this post on my social BDSM site and thought it appropriate to share with you all here. If you have comments, please click the link and comment on that page.

After reading the last few posts on here about the way many approach submissive types with the "I am Master hear me pout" routine, I figured I would relate my experience in getting the attention of another online.

To start, any sub/slave worth a crap need to know you have something to offer her (I will write from the male dominant perspective but applies equally in reverse). Just throwing your name with a capital and a loud bellowing do not cut it. You had better have something that she can latch onto in terms of things that you are able to do for her.

The best way to do this is to get involved with a site like this by posting your experience and ideas. This shows anyone who reads that you know what you are talking about (presumming that you do). Notice how I wrote the word 'experience'. Any fool can go cut and paste posts off a different website. A person who is looking wants to know that she is dealing with someone who has some idea what is actually going on.

I found that well written posts containing plenty of personal experience will draw attention of those who are seeking. There are many who visit a site like this but do not post. However, they do read...every single word. And they process all that is written. Putting yourself out there as someone who is knowledgable will get you noticed and contacted.

The next aspect is to be nice. The loud mouth assholes who are constantly being abrasive are not worthy of anyone's time. And they show themselves to be terrible dominants. This is because a true Dom is confident. One who is bellowing all the time is showing how he lack confidence and suffers from an inferiority complex. They need to intimidate to make themselves feel better.

I will give you an example. I once had a 'Master" in a chat room take exception that I didnt show him respect in front of the slaves in the room. He was getting quite upset because, from what I could tell, his entire worth was tied up in having these characters on a screen strung together to form words respect him. While he got angrier, I simply wrote that my respect is something earned and that, if he wanted it, he needed to show me he was worthy of it. Just saying he is a Master doesnt make it so.

***One side note here: In this case, he might have been a real Master; I had no way of knowing. However, I found that most Masters who live in real time do not get all caught up in having their position recognized. We know what we are when we wake up and when we go to bed. Having the 'respect' through online protocol is not necessary.

FInally, if you have no experience, be open about it. Tell people that you are here to learn. Read, comprehend, and process what is written. Keep posting to show your progession. We were all new once so that is no shame. There are many who are able to quickly become proficient by studying this lifestyle. However, a sub needs to know that you are moving forward and growing. Her trust will increase when she has that confidence. Showing yourself to be someone who is adept at learning is a helpful way to compensate for lack of experience.

BDSM centers around a relationship. When dealing with another, take the time to learn about her. What does she like and how does that compare to your beliefs. If you are a devote Muslim and she a Christian, there might be issues. Red Sox and Yankee fans tend not to get along with each other. Nor do Auburn and Alabama alumni. Sports enthusiasts can clash with artists. Dog lovers have issues with cat people. This is where basic human interaction comes into play. Approach her as a person and learn how she will fit into your life and vice versa. The submission/domination qualities will be revealed in your conversations.

In the future, if you get one of those stupid emails of "I am Master hear me show my insecurity", please reply with this link http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/pg/blog/dennisnajee/read/917410/how-to-garner-a-subs-interest-online

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Pushing Too Far

What is a sub/slave truly capable of? I believe finding out is one of the major responsibilities of a Dom/Master. It is important that a sub/slave be conditioned to continually grow. Without this, stagnation is the result. Life is meant to move in a forward direction. Those who try remain where they are ultimately end up going backwards. A Dom/Master needs to push one to move further.

Of course, one needs to be adept at this art. This is one of those things that is more "art than science". There are no written rules as to the best way to "push" a sub/slave. Each individual is different. Part of the process is to uncover that which will make him or her respond.

One area to look at is past experiences. Human nature dictates that we most often will bring past experiences into present situations. Memories do not just vanish. This is magnified when the past was emotionally charged. People who are victims of abuse, as an example, are subject to relive those experiences in his or her mind. Oftentimes, the impact is so severe that counseling is required.

I suggest that anyone who is afflicted with such situations seek the proper trained attention. Dom/Masters are many things. However, few are licensed therapists able to deal with many of the psychological circumstances that arise from such past traumas. Trying to push those issues aside will rarely prove effective. Help is often needed.

Anyone who is in control of another person's life bears a large responsibility. This is not something to take lightly. Moving a sub/slave forward in her growth process while maintaining the "gentle" touch so as not to produce harm is trying. Knowing when to pull back so as not to cause this damage is equally as difficult. Nevertheless, safety is always the highest priority.

The most important thing a Dom/Master can do is not to push one too far. Take into account past experiences and be mindful of when they may be reappearing. If something is mentioned as a Hard Limit, give that the proper thought and consideration. There certainly might be a valid reason as to why that limit exists. Hard Limits are perfectly acceptable when there is a worthwhile reason. Pulling back when you reach one is a way to ensure not pushing one too far. Overall, you will find more happiness if you can develop this art.

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Healthy Self Esteem

How important is it to have a healthy self esteem in the BDSM world?

This is a question that I have pondered for a while. I see many who seem to lack the basic belief in oneself, especially among the submissive types. This lifestyle evidently has a way of attracting those who are seeking to have others make them feel valuable. Perhaps this is why so many BDSM relationships end up failing.

As a Master, I can emphatically state that it is impossible for me to "totally carry another" in a relationship. Too often I have seen people who have absolutely no self-worth. These people are always a challenge to deal with. Without a basic belief in oneself, no relationship will ever be healthy.

Nothing frustrates me more than dealing with someone who is completely unbalanced. Emotional security within oneself is crucial. Too many seem to lack this basic component. That being said, they come to the BDSM lifestyle with the intention of solving their problems. Without a basic self-worth, is it any wonder all their relationships ended up in failure. BDSM is not the solution. This is just another bust added to the train wreck called life.

This is one of the reasons why we see so many enter/exit the lifestyle. They simply do not have the ability to make any relationship successful. Expecting someone else to magically wash all your problems away and make you feel good about yourself is an unrealistic expectation. This is true whether that person is called Master, Mistress, Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend.

A relationship involves two people. Both parties need to have a basic self-assurance to make it work. There is enough difficulty in meshing any two people together. When one is looking at the other to bear the complete burden for the emotional state of both parties, the path to breakup is being laid. This is something I witnessed countless times over the years.

If you are presently not in a relationship but looking into one, I would suggest you first consider where you are with your self esteem. Are you at a place where you have a healthy outlook about yourself? If you are one who is even willing to consider a question such as this, then you are further along than 95% of the population. Most will not even consider something of this magnitude. Nevertheless, a good self-worth is critical to the success in any relationship. BDSM is no different.

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Being True

"To thy own self be true"

This is one of Shakespeare's most famous line. It is echoed in many corners of society by anyone who is willing to indulged in personal development. This is also something that I feel is really important if one is to be happy in the BDSM way of life.

One who enters BDSM must do so for the right reasons. At the same time, I feel it extremely crucial that one commit to the lifestyle before getting involved with any one person. The reason for this is because many will exit the lifestyle when the relationship with a particular individual goes bad. This is same as abandoning heterosexuality simply because a marriage ends. Simply because a particular relationship fails to work out does not mean that one is not cut out for this way of life.

Even today, I still find myself in situations where the temptation to be swayed is great. This is where knowing myself and the path that I have chosen comes in. When I am true to myself, I am able to make those decisions that are right for me. Difficult decisions are never easy but they do avoid many headaches down the road. This is especially true where emotions are involved.

BDSM is a multi-faceted lifestyle. One needs to understand what it is that he or she is interested in. Just because someone decides that domination or submission is for them, that does not mean that person knows where he or she is best suited. This takes time and searching. Those who fail to do this end up frustrated and hurt. In the end, their impatience and unwillingness to do the personal work caused the results.

Being true to yourself involved committing to the lifestyle while determining what is best for you. There is a great temptation to live as something we are not. Some of suited to be slaves; others Doms; and others switches. Regardless, it is up to each of us to find exactly what works best for us.

The bottom line is always the personal happiness of an individual. Trying to mold yourself into something that you are not will never work. Some are interested in BDSM only to find out they are better suited for the traditional arena. At the same time, many of us found that we were not cut out for the vanilla world and BDSM is better for us. Knowing oneself is imperative to reach these conclusions.

My experience is that no matter how long one or committed one is to the lifestyle, there will always be forces that will try to draw us away. I have personally experienced this a number of times. There might be family who wants us to lead a different life. Or it might be that person we meet who has an interest in us. Or, perhaps we are swayed by something we read stimulates the romanticizing in our minds. Whatever the reason, we need to determine what our truth is. Only then can we make a decision that is consistent with ourselves.

Sometimes we are confronted with the idea of having to be committed to this "come hell or high water". Nobody ever said it would be easy.

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Subs: A Misunderstanding

There is a lot mentioned about the difference between subs and slaves. Many posts online delve into the levels of exchange of power. I believe most of them chronicle these aspects well. However, one area that seems to be left to misunderstanding is what is meant by a "sub". It seems that most fail to see the varying degrees.

A sub is a person who submits. That is simple enough. In general terms, a slave is a sub (although a sub is not necessarily a slave: a Coke is a soda but not all sodas are Cokes). That being said, most have a common idea of what they mean when someone says they are a "sub".

The general meaning of a sub is that he or she is one who is sexually submissive. In BDSM, the exchange of power is the fundamental separator from the traditional lifestyle. Under D/s, a sub submits in certain areas. Typically, the one area that one is submissive in is the sexual arena. This is where the control is given over. One chooses to be dominated in the bedroom. The common belief is all other areas are off limits.

This is where things start to get cloudy. What about the person who is willing to submit in more areas than just sexually? Where does he or she fit in? I feel the overriding outlook is that the one who moves away from sexual submission is now entering into slavery. My experience tells me this is untrue. This misconception leads to failure since I sense the mindset of a slave is missing in these people. The leap from being a sub to a slave is enormous. Most fail to grasp this.

Getting back to our person who desires more, is he or she a slave because of this want? Not necessarily. It is possible to be more than just a "sex sub". Someone can offer to do the laundry, handle the yard work, or run errands for his or her Dom. Even though the boundaries were expanded, the nature of the relationship did not change.

The main difference between a sub and slave is in the exchange of power. When one enters into M/s, the exchange of power is complete. This fact affects all areas of one's life. Nothing is not open to the control and decisions of a Master (Mistress).

A sub retains control over certain areas that he or she chooses. For example, while submitting to running errands, a sub may keep his or her career off limits. The choice to work or not is in his or her hands as opposed to the Dom. This is a radical shift from M/s where the decision is the Master's. A sub always retains the ability to exercise control in certain areas.

The other area that differs is in the ending of the relationship. A slave needs to request release. Like all other decisions, in M/s, the relationship ends when the Master says it is over. It is his or her choice (unless there is some type of physical danger that the slave is in). A sub can decide to walk away whenever he or she chooses. The level of exchange of power is not to the same degree as under M/s.

Therefore, just because one moves his or her submission to areas other than the bedroom, this is not cause to call oneself a slave. This person is still a sub. The situation is altered in terms of the areas where the submission exists. Nevertheless, the nature of the relationship did not change. It is still D/s.

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Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental "wounds" should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

The bottom line is that it is a Dom's responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

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How Pathetic Most Slaves Are

This is going to be one of the harshest posts that I ever wrote but it is the only way to awaken some up.

For the past few years, I have scoured the Internet going through different chat rooms. Over that time I have seen a lot of the shenanigans that takes place. It seems that no matter where one goes, it is always the same. So here is the 411 for you all out there.

We all know how there are stalkers, pretenders, and abusers portraying themselves as Masters. These people are a joke for the most part although some can be really dangerous. We do all we can to call these people out and protect the "slaves". This lifestyle is built upon safety.

Over the last few weeks, I wrote a number of posts mentioning the difference between online and real time. There were more than a few who got offended at my conclusions. They claimed that what they had is real. Well, let me tell you, it is not. Until you actually meet someone you are dealing with a fantasy. Get your head out of your ass and smell something other than your own shit. Do not fall in love with a bunch of characters on a screen. Are you that pathetic?

I have people who write some bad things about me from time-to-time. Do you know what my answer is? Who gives a crap? Everyone is entitled to their opinion and since I know who and what I am, I am not threatened by the opinion of others. Many of the "critics" are simple minded fools.

Of course I have something that many are lacking: a healthy self esteem. Most you encounter online seem to lack this essential quality. They feel that everything that is said about them merits a response. Slaves need to grow the hell up. Who gives a shit what others think of you? It is not real. That person is probably miserable in his or her own life. Yet, they still feel the need to take it all personally.

I witnessed so many "catfights" over online garbage. People seem worried about their reputation. Of course, the ones who are concerned are the ones that everyone else is laughing at. Foolishness is transparent. Take a look at how you are acting. Anyone with half a brain knows you aren't someone to take seriously.

So, to all those who are interacting with "slaves" online. Take time to do some due diligence to determine if the one you are considering has any self esteem at all. If he or she does not, move on. Trust me when I tell you the headaches are not worth it. Those who wrap their entire lives up with the online bullshit need serious help. It is a sign of a train wreck they call their lives. You will see how messed up every area of their life is when you finally get to meet them. Instead of being a Master you need to be a savior.

If you are a slave reading these words, get your act together. Look at your life. People do not end up in situations by mistakes. Responsible people own up for their actions, good and bad. Stop playing the victim and looking for someone to bail your ass out once more. It is pathetic. Make yourself worthy of someone's respect. Being a slave is not a demeaning choice, but being one who sucks the life out of people is. The choice is yours. What are you going to do with it?

Now, to finish up this barrage: there are many wonderful people online. Not everyone falls into the category I just described. There are many who I chatted with over the years who were worthy people who I would have loved to have in my life. Of course, often this was not to be. Nevertheless, I am sure they are adding to people's lives everyday. They lived their lives, true lives, interacting with people in real time. They were not wrapped up in all the delusions that play out online.

Therefore, if you are one who always feels the need to retaliate because some character on a screen is "attacking" you, get over it. If you self worth is tied up in what people who don't know you think about you, then you need to develop some true self worth. The admiration from a bunch of characters on a screen has absolutely no value in life.

I will share one story that actually happened with someone who claimed to be a Master. This individual chided me that I disrespected him in a chat room. My answer is that if he wanted my respect, he should earn it. Capitalizing his name does not make him worthy of being called a Master in my book. Nevertheless, he felt that online protocol dictated that I not say stuff in front of "slaves" on the site. I told him he was a joke and to get real. Telling me to be impressed by you is not going to do it. Just another example of one who believes too much of what he sees online. He ought to get a life.

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Real Time

This is a topic that always generates much controversy. There seems to be a great debate waging among those in the lifestyle if online is actually considered a relationship. This is something that I feel bears revisiting. Many will claim to be "owned" or to have "submitted" when they in fact are only engaging in online activities. To me, this cannot be confused with being real.

I have a profile on one of those social networking sites that says I am a female with a fantastic physique. My avatar is one that shows a tremendous build, one that would turn any man on. Before going any further, I want to mention that my only reason for this profile is to use as a marketing strategy for my businesses. I am not interested in meeting anyone nor do I interact with people on there.

Nevertheless, you would be amazed how many people hit me up commenting about how sexy I am and how they would want to get with me. Of course, these individuals have no idea what they are dealing with. Anyone who really who met me knows that I am far from feminine. In short, I could lead these people on if I was willing to engage in their games. I also feel that I have the ability to create an emotional bond with at least a few of them.

What would this be considered? Naturally it would be a big con. Now my question is how can you be certain the validity of the person that you are dealing with online? I met far too many who believed what they had was real only to find there were lies and deception. The person claimed to be single only to later reveal he/she was married with children. Or one mentions being involved in BDSM only to later show how inexperienced he/she truly is. Finally, we all heard the horror stories of the misleading of body style where one said he/she is athletic only to learn that person is 150 pounds overweight. These are all examples that I have personally heard of happen to people.

Therefore, the only conclusion I can reach is that for a relationship to be real, there needs to be some real time interaction. The virtual world is a beneficial way to meet people. However, we cannot mistake it for real communication. In my mind, before something can be real, it must move to some type of regular communication. This includes telephone calls, text messaging, and in person meetings. Short of this I feel that one is engaging in fantasy, especially since there is a better than average chance the person on the other end is doing just that.

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What Is The Rush?

What is the appropriate courting period in the traditional world? Obviously the answer varies for each couple. There are some who dated for years only to have their marriage end in divorce. By the same token, there are some who date only a few weeks before tying the knot and end up staying together for a lifetime. Thus, we can see there is no definite answer.

The same is true in our lifestyle. Nobody can state how long two people should interact before submission takes place. It will vary for each couple. However, my only suggestion is that most need to take more time than they do. The tendency in my experience is to rush ahead into things without truly getting to know the other person.

Much of the problem with those that I am observing is that they are just being introduced to this way of life when they want to dive in. The analogy I use is the girl who wants to get married after having one date. What is the likelihood that would turn into a success? Not very likely. The same is true here. When one is just learning about this way of life, the worst thing that can happen is to get involved with another.

In my book, An Owned Life, I spell out the 3 Step Submission Process. Whenever I see people taking the fast track in this lifestyle, I know they are mixing the order up. There is a definite procedure that each of us has to go through. Doing things another way than what I spell out usually leads to harm and suffering.

The ones who have a chance at a successful relationship when moving forward quickly are those who are experienced in this way of life. This is because they can usually tell another exactly what they are looking for. When someone new tries the same tactic, it is because they are caught up in the nirvana of the "newness". It is the idea that they are in love with as opposed to the lifestyle.

So ask yourself this basic question,"what is the rush". Why are you so determined to submit (or accept someone's submission) so soon? If this is online, obviously it is less dramatic then doing so in person. I say this because we all know how different the emotions are when real time is involved. Nevertheless, it is best to take things slow. A suitable match will endure a few extra months.

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Romanticizing The Lifestyle

This is a reality check. I encounter too many people who believe that entering this lifestyle will be the cure-all for everything that is wrong in their life. People somehow believe that submitting to another will alleviate any relationship difficulties of the past. At the same time, the idea of "owning" someone is viewed as a hassle-free endeavor. Unfortunately for these people, reality is far different.

I wrote a number of times about the lunacy of online relationships. Too many mistake them for being real. Online does not mirror real time at all. It is far easier to interact with someone when there is no face-to-face contact. Some believe that what they are experiencing is accurate. However, anyone who moved from online to real time will attest at the drastic difference between the two. The bubble bursts when reality hits.

Often, I will equate aspects of this lifestyle with marriage. With regards to what we are mentioning here, there is an analogy that is applicable. When people are younger, especially women, they have a tendency to romanticize marriage. Little girls can tell you all the dreams they have pertaining to their wedding day. It is a fantasy they carry with them.

My question is how often does reality reflect that fantasy? For most, the answer is never. Rarely does marriage end up being the golden path of eternal bliss. Marriage is a relationship. With it comes an assortment of difficulties as two people try to forge a life together. The last few decades witnessed the increase in marriage failures. Reality certainly is different than reality.

The same applies to this lifestyle. Those who carry with them the illusions of some incredible sex while submitting to a powerful one are mistaken. BDSM will not solve your life problems. Just because you submit to another, that does not mean that you are no longer responsible for your children. Financial issues plague us the same way as anyone else. And, Masters/Doms are people with the normal conditions that affect all humans. Life still exists.

My conclusion is that many look to this way of life to try and counterattack their failures in other areas. While BDSM offers something that is right for many of us who did not fit into the traditional realm, this is not something that is going to make up for complete ineptness in life. Some people are just terrible at relationships in general; not intimate but any type of relationship. They approach BDSM with the mindset that this will solve things. It will not.

The bottom line is to get realistic about what this way of life offers. If you are suffering in life, BDSM most likely will not solve it. People who cannot get along with others at work, in school, or in intimate relationships will not fare much better here. BDSM is nothing more than a lifestyle choice of how to structure a relationship. However, we must never forget it is a relationship and with that goes a lot of uncertainty.

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Commmon Causes of BDSM Failure

In my book, An Owned Life, I dedicate an entire chapter detailing some of the common causes of failure in a D/s or M/s relationship. This is something that few really think about when they are entering into this type of situation. Usually, they are so "gaga eyed" over the "One" that they miss some of the most basic things.

Many seem to think that a relationship in the lifestyle is somehow different than in any other walk of life. In the end, the fact that we are dealing with a relationship means that many of the same components required for success elsewhere are needed here. Basic interpersonal skills still apply. The fundamental difference is how the power is broken down. Other than that, our relationships mirror most others.

Without going into everything that is listed in the book (yes I have to leave some reason for you to buy it), I will spell out the most common reason for failure in our relationships. Many will seek something magical or far out. The truth is that when one considers all relationships, this holds true no matter what the lifestyle choice.

Of all the BDSM relationships I saw over the years, the main reason most of them failed in incompatibility among the people involved. It is that simple. The relationships ended because people were incompatible with each other. They had little in common other than one being dominant and the other submissive. That is like saying a marriage will work because one is male and the other female. The odds are slim in that situation.

Many are so excited to get into a relationship they overlook this simple point. New people are drawn by the allure of ropes, paddles, servitude, and submission/domination. Few take time to realize that the sexual, and even the scene, aspects of this lifestyle comprise only a small percentage. After all that ends, what else is there? This is where the compatibility comes into play.

Does he or she make you laugh? Do you enjoy similar activities? Is there an interest in business, the arts, sports, etc...? What are you going to do with the other person once the scene ended and life set in? These are all questions to ask during the "dating" part of the relationship. Too many try to figure this out after the submission took place. It is too late then. The time to uncover all of this is before you make the commitment to the other person.

This seems like common sense. Sadly, if what I witness is any indication, few take the time to look at this. They, instead, are so preoccupied with getting someone to submit to them (or accept their submission) that all else is overlooked. Remember this idea as you are talking with others. Ask yourself if the BDSM was removed, would there be something there? If not, it might be a sign of problems in the future.



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Household BDSM Items

Many feel inclined to spend larges sums of money to get into the BDSM lifestyle. A single trip to your local sex shop will reveal how expensive things can get. However, there is a way to start experimenting without leaving your house. The average household has many items which can be used for BDSM.

All these items are ideal to be used to spank a sub/slave. Each item is in almost every home. Look around and I am sure you will find more items you can use.









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