A Different Perspective

The other day I wrote a post, How Committed Are You. It talked about the importance of being willing to accept all the repercussions that one might get from family and friends. Sadly, they often do not understand the choices we make. They tell us they want what is best for us yet typically only when it is in agreement with their view of life. This creates a conflict while instilling fear through their ignorance.

Here is an email I got from a slave who experienced some of what I mentioned. Please read her words and digest the emotions that she feels.

Having read your post, I felt that I had to write and tell you about my experiences with regard to what you have said.

I lived, or rather existed in a life that was empty, I knew what I was but circumstances and life events had meant that I had to go about my life and be unfulfilled. I got talking to a Master on the internet, what he was telling me and showing me made me realise that I deserved more than I was getting, I deserved t be happy and start living again.

The cost of that happiness has come with a price though, I have been disowned by my family and friends as they really cannot understand that this is something I have to do for me, and especially as I am submissive and living with my Master. They seem to think I am abandoning them to be with another man, this is far from the truth, if I could I would have the best of both worlds, my Master and my family but that is not to be and so I had to make a choice and that was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The worst thing for me and for my Master is the feelings that I have to cope with, the questioning of myself and whether I am being selfish in wanting to live and be happy. But at the end of the day I know that I am where I need to be and with who I need to be with. Hopefully my family will one day forgive me and know that I will never stop loving them and I hope that they will always know that I am here for them if they need me.

When faced with a choice like this, a life changing decision, there really is no easy way, all I can say is you need a strong Master to support you and a lot of courage to follow it through. Sometimes it seems so easy to say something, but at the same time it takes faith, trust and courage to follow your heart and dreams, and ride out the storms that will follow. You need the belief that one day your family will come to understand why you made the choices you made and they accept them and you once more. If they don’t then you need to learn to accept that as well, after all you only have one life and there is a big difference between existence and living.

There is a big difference between the romantic fantasy people carry and the painful reality. Our choices have consequences. It is important to understand this before getting into a situation that is irreversible.

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Are You Ready To Convert

We often talk about the different depths that people can go to when entering this lifestyle. For those who prefer something a bit lighter, there is the D/s relationship. At the same time, M/s the preferred avenue for those who like to take the commitment to a deeper level. Again, the BDSM world is wide and varied with enough room for everyone.

Today, I would like to focus on the M/s relationship. This is a lifestyle which results in the total exchange of power. It is an absolute way to live. The submission is complete extending to every area that the Master so chooses. Some give slaves decision-making ability over things such as kids or careers. However, others do not. This is an individual choice of each Master.

This brings up the question of what length you are willing to go when you submit to another? Are you willing to change you entire life to suit the desires of your Master? There is a lot to consider when looking at this option. For example, are you willing to give up your political views if they oppose Master's? How about your beloved sports team when your Master roots for the archenemy? If you are to truly live in the M/s world, all choices conceivably are removed. Master is in charge of it all.

I see so many claim to be slaves only to witness them behave in a manner that looks domineering. A true slave knows her (or his) place. The idea of denying a request is foreign to her. The primary purpose of a slave is obedience. She is there to fulfill the desires of her Master. It is that simple. Her desires are only relevant if the Master thinks they are.

Is this an extreme way to live? Absolutely it is. That is why I believe there are very few who are cut out to exist in a 24/7 M/s relationship. Most want the comfort that comes from submitting yet want to hang onto the idea of independence. Well, one cannot have it both ways. You either are in control or you are not. M/s is an absolute lifestyle. The exchange of power is total and complete.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mention how entering into this realm with wide open eyes is crucial. Many get involved only to awaken to the fact that what is spoken here is real. Too often people operate under the premise that online is real. Sadly, it is not. The ability to say "no" is lessened when you are in the presence of your Master. Online he might issue a punishment that you might adhere to; or you might not. In real time, the paddle could be close at hand and there is no option other than receiving your punishment. This is the reality that true slaves live under.

If M/s if what you truly desire, I can only say go for it. However, try to sort through any disillusions you have about it being a "romantic" way of life. Often there are bouts of loneliness, frustration, and sacrifice. It is something that only for a certain type of person. Are you one of them? That is the question.

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How Committed Are You?

Many have the luxury of drifting in and out of this lifestyle. There are some who can call up a Dom whenever the urge hits to go "play". Others, while making a more concerted decision, such as being a slave, are able to move back to traditional when the mood fits this. This was the case with me for years.

I had a stirring within me that drew me to this particular way of life. However, because of the conditioning of society, I was not able to totally commit myself. In my book, An Owned Life, I refer to the power that this has over us. Hearing the same message repeatedly since we were young makes us believe that is the only possibility for life. The truth is the number of different lifestyles are too numerous to mention.

Nevertheless, since I was single without being a custodial parent, I was afforded the opportunity to drift between this way of life and the traditional. Each time I met the girl who I believed was the "one", I bolted back to the vanilla world. As you can guess, that always ended up in a train wreck. The point being, the decision solely affected me and I was the only one to suffer the consequences.

I wish I could say this is the common avenue taken. Sadly, many give up a great deal more in their pursuit of happiness. My belief is that people who are drawn to this lifestyle do so because of an inner desire that is natural to them. I mention some of this in my book. There are many other people who can be affected while not understanding the choices we make. In return, they can act in ways which are extremely unkind.

This lifestyle is about freedom. Many people will talk about this virtue yet few experience. They fail to realize just how enslaved they really are. Everything from the acting out based upon the beliefs of others to doing a job that one hates to pay off creditors shows just how little people really have. The truth is that it takes a great deal of courage to choose to be free. And, when making this choice, there is a risk of alienation by others.

So, the process starts with deciding "how committed are you"? Are you willing to experience the backlash that can often come from those we love the most? Family members are the people who are closest to us yet they cause the most pain. They tend to believe that everything is done "to them". This causes them to miss the fact that people need to choose to live life as they see fit. Again, I feel much of the negative response comes from the fact they do not have the courage themselves to live as they want. Therefore, a backlash is inevitable.

Every choice has consequences. Are you willing to endure some of the negative ones you might encounter? There is a great risk that you might alienate friends or family (or they do this to you). It is best to consider this possibility when looking at this way of life. Enter it with your eyes as wide open as possible.

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The Reward Bag

Here is a simple game that can be played with a sub/slave at anytime. It is something that keeps things exciting especially with an active imagination. It all starts with a bag (or a box) where you can write down certain rewards. These are activities that you know she loves and wants you to do to her. Put them all on separate strips of paper and place in the bag.

Now, whenever you sub/slave earns a "treat", have her reach into the bag and pull out the secret reward. Since they are all things she likes, her pleasure is guaranteed. Of course, there are different degrees of pleasure gained. Therefore, knowing that some other more pleasurable activities are in there, she might experience a bit of disappointment.

The reward bag is a simple way to keep things fun and exciting. BDSM is about control and do not necessarily have to be extreme. Something as basic as this concept can be a fundamental part of your BDSM interaction.

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Paddling and Spanking

This is one of the most basic activities in BDSM yet it is often overlooked. For something so simple, it is an easy way to get into the lifestyle. I am constantly amazed at the number of couples who miss this fundamental practice. Images of suspension, extreme bondage and dungeon scenes fill their minds. They equate this to being what BDSM is all about.

A nice spanking is something that many people enjoy. In fact, there are few submissive types who do not like this practice. This is enhanced if one is being done doggie style. I found that a sub loves having a hard cock in her pussy while being spanked. It is a perfect compliment to the natural dominance of the sex act. He gives, she receives.

This simple concept can be taken one step further by using an implement to enhance the pleasure. Some have difficulty taking a hard paddling so caution is warranted here. I would suggest whenever trying something new with your partner (or dealing with someone new) use a safe word. This tells the other to stop whenever this word is uttered. Also, use her response as a guage to her level of acceptance.

Again, there is no need to go out and spend lots of money on paddles, floggers, and riding crops. Some of the best items are in your house at this moment. Two that I find preferable are the spatula and hairbrush. Both items are in every home and can inflict a nice sting when applied to the ass. The added benefit for me is that I forego the pain in my hand from spanking.

BDSM can be simple and fun. It takes just a little imagination to be effective. Spanking and paddling is something that we are all familiar with-well at least those of us old enough before the "experts" thought children ought not be spanked (mine definitely didnt fall into this category). We know the sting that comes from a hand or some other item meeting our ass. Provide this pleasure to those who truly enjoy it. It will make your experience that much happier.

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Growth Versus Smothering

There are many different ways to deal with subs/slaves. I would surmise that this is an individual as it comes. Personal preference of a Dom/Master comes into play in the way He interacts with those under His domain. Nevertheless, I found there are basically two different approaches people can take.

The first is what I call smothering. This is where one is ruled with an "iron fist". She is not permitted any room to grow or breathe. All responsibility is removed from her. Thinking is not part of the deal. It is fairly common for a person in this position to get belittled excessively. In effect, her spirit is broken.

Another approach commonly used is foster an atmosphere of growth. A sub/slave can be shown different things and learn to adapt to please. Responsibility can be heaped upon a person in this scenario as long as she learns what her Dom/Master is truly seeking. For example, I do not want to be bothered with any decisions regarding the household. That is too tedious for me. Therefore, I delegate that to one to handle on my behalf. Periodically I will inspect to make sure everything is as it needs to be. Other than that, it is her realm.

Personally I prefer the second method. The first I find is common among those who are fearful. Newer people tend to gravitate towards this method out of ignorance. They believe the concept of dominating is to beat up one. Nothing could be further than the truth.

The power I wield over my subs/slaves exists even when I am not present. In my book, An Owned Life, I referred to those who dominate out of fear. The problem with using the first method is that the power dwindles as One physically leaves. In other words, He needs to be present.

When I utilize the concept of responsibility, I have a sub/slave's desire to fulfill my wishes. This is something that is a lot more powerful than the threat of punishment. Her fear of disappointing me propels her into action. Because she is able to handle more responsibility, I can leave certain activities to her with the belief they will be accomplished. Failure to complete the task will rarely be from a lack of effort. Usually it is because of a circumstance beyond her control.

In the end, a Dom/Master is going to use methods that are personal to Him. However, I feel that most people will fall into one of the two categories. It is helpful to recognize them when interacting with another.

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A Typical Multi Relationship

This seems to be the common way poly situations end up.




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No Win Situation

The last few posts have dealt with poly/multiple slave situations. I will conclude this focus with one last thought on this particular topic: there are going to be no- win situations. The truth is that there are times when someone is going to be upset no matter what You try. In the end, failure might be unavoidable.

In poly/multiple sub arrangements, there is a matter of perspective to take into account. People naturally see things from through their own eyes. A Dom/Master needs to be mindful of this when interacting with them. An individual's perspective will do more to sabotage an arrangement then any other single issue. It is at the core of all that occurs.

People will compare; this is another natural trait among us humans. We see this in children when they want the same thing as a sibling. Place more attention, love, or toys on one, and the other will throw a fit. Not much is different in this arena. People will judge what they receive as compared to another. It happens every time, so prepare for it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the same issue from two different people on the same day. How can that be? Simple. They each are looking at things from their slanted perspective. One feels that she is being left out since my focus is on the other person. While there might be some basis, this concept is shattered when the other one brings up the identical issue. It is the constant "you two and me out here" battle. This is where One is in a no-win situation. Each is complaining that the other is receiving attention at her expense. Two opposing perspectives arriving at the same conclusion. It seems that unless both are ignored, someone has to be off with her outlook.

What is at work is the self confidence each has. People's self esteem is reflected at moments likes these. Those who feel their standing is in jeopardy will cling to the hope that more attention will be lavished upon them. Again, this is a natural move for someone in this place. It is quite understandable when someone new is entering the picture. Each party is uncertain of the other and how He will interact with each of them. Even the best of sub/slaves will fall victim to this.

For poly to work, there cannot be a fracturing of the parties. Unfortunately, even a physical bringing together will not alleviate what I just mentioned. Success in this forum requires a mental outlook that it is "us" as opposed to "me-them". Each person needs to think of the total sum. This is where the concept of "family" arises. However, it is extremely difficult when one or more are looking at it with a divisive mind. And, it puts One in a -no-win situation.

Success in this type of arrangement comes down to trust. A sub/slave needs to trust in her position with her Dom/Master. Without this, she will fall prey to these insecure feelings. This will create an adversarial position taken against anyone new. New people do not have the luxury of having trust in the Dom/Master. She needs to be coaxed into understanding that her position is also safe with Him. This will not occur when she is being challenged by another. In the end, failure will result and people will be hurt.

As a Master, there is no more humbling feeling than to be in this no-win situation. My experience is that the best course of action to take is to let them work it out. There is nothing that One can do to solve this problem. All the reassurance in the world will only result in another blowup somewhere down the road. My belief is a change in mindset needs to occur and until one (or both) take the initiative to adopt this outlook, success will be elusive. Sadly, the next step is usually that someone looks for new living arrangements. In the end, some people simply cannot get along. Your life will be easier if you understand this going in.

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Poly: Get Past The Sex

If you want to be the envy of all the guys around the water cooler at the office, just get into a poly relationship and you will be everyone's idol. When it comes to men, there is something biological about wanting to be with two women. It seems this is the fantasy that every guy has since he hit puberty. Those who live (read: have sex) with two women move into the upper sphere of sexual dominance.

The same mindset exists in D/s and M/s relationships. Many new people get involved with the idea of "owning" multiple subs. They salivate at the idea of having multiple women do anything they want them to do. Again, this is every guys dream. However, they fail to look at the situation from the wider perspective.

I often write on here that most BDSM, D/s, and M/s relationships need to get past the sex. Domination in many instances extends past the bedroom. At the same time, one also needs to look past the sex to truly understand what poly is all about. The surface level nirvana is quickly replaced with reality.

So you think dominating multiple women is a heavenly way to live? On one hand it is. However, you must factor in the idea that there are a lot of situations that you will be confronted with. And, all of these are wrought with trouble. Living a poly lifestyle is a constant balancing act. Even when the exchange of power is complete as it is in M/s, One needs to take care that all are happy. It is a constant struggle which rarely can be met. It takes a certain type of person to live this way of life and, sadly, most are not cut out for it.

Here is a little exercise you can do to consider some of what poly is really about. Think of all the problems you had in traditional relationships. Once you have that in your mind, TRIPLE IT!!! That is right. Being involved with two people creates three times as many problems. There are the issues that arise between the male and each of the females and, then, all the incidents between the two women (the reverse is also true for a MMF situation). All told, problems increase exponentially.

Did you ever hear "I am on my period"? Now there are two of them to deal with. Demands on your time are further compounded since there are two people vying for it. Sexually, you must keep two partners happy and be somewhat equal about it (most guy's ego will tell them it is no problem but they are mistaken-just ask any woman about the number of guys who cannot even satisfy one). Sleeping arrangements are always interesting since many do not simply sleep 8 hours through the night. Finally, children are another factor which bears consideration and creates a totally different dynamic. Again, the actions and time split must be equal or resentments will grow.

These are just a few of the things that a poly Dom must consider. Notice how many of these will override the sexual nirvana One has by dominating two women. In fact, the sexual high is short lived. Many will go fleeing back to the traditional lifestyle when dealing with these issues for even a month. The pressure can get great at times especially when other life issues mount. Children, finances, and career all are standards in anyone's life regardless of the lifestyle led. Poly pressures will only add to the mountain of stress that One needs to deal with.

I do not write this as a means of turning people off to poly. It is a wonderful and rewarding way to live for those who understand what they are getting into. However, we all need to move past the romantic notion that this is going to be some 24/7 porn movie. Life still happens.

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Poly versus multiple Slaves

Poly or multi-slave owner? This is something that I rarely seen mentioned yet has serious consequences in any relationship. Those who fail to look at the larger picture tend to encounter issues. This is true in life and certainly in the BDSM world.

Many think that because they have multiple subs/slaves, they are poly. According to the general definition, this might be correct. I can agree with this if there is a relationship between all parties. However, often, the more accurate situation is where one is involved with multiple people at the same time.

In my post, Poly is more than a word, I mentioned some of the pitfalls of living in a poly situation. Many believe they can handle the emotions that arise when existing under such conditions. Nevertheless, most find difficulty when they enter real time. This typically leads to conflict which often cannot be resolved. Some people simply cannot get along. This creates a fragmented situation where poly is replaced with multiple relationships. Each person interacts with the Dom/Master individually while maintaining a separation from the other(s).

My experience leads me to state this is commonplace. A true poly interaction where a "family" unit is established is rare. Personalities frequently get in the way of establishing such a structure. Fear and jealousy are powerful emotions. They cause people to behave in ways they normally would not.

Sabotage is quite common in multi-slave situations. People tend to enter the poly world believing there will be assistance and commonality with the others. Sadly, the proverbial catfights break out where each one vies for the Dom/Master's attention. Each has an agenda which will be superimposed into each relationship. In the end, fragmentation is the result.

Therefore, when entering into a situation like this, consider how all parties will get along. Conflict in the beginning might be a warning of things to come. Also, ponder the past experiences of each person involved. Those who were in "poly" relationships often have negative experiences. This might cause the defenses to instantly be erected. With time and patience these can be overcome. However, it will only happen if each person is committed to making it work. Two out of three is not enough.

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