Lessons From A Swinger

Many of us are involved in a variety of different lifestyles. BDSM is just one of them. We are nudists, swingers, transvestites, gay, goth, and a variety of other things that run counter to the norms of society. For this reason, we have a plethora of resources and experiences to draw upon.

Recently, I learned the lesson of how a certain way of life is not for everyone. Some simply cannot adapt to a certain lifestyle. In those instances it is best for one to move on to something else. Sadly, few can do this until they endure a great deal of pain. Typically, pain is a persons greatest motivator.

Many people think they are cut out to be swingers. It is not uncommon to see a couple enter into that lifestyle with the idea of having sex with many different people. They are like children in the proverbial candy shop. He is thinking of all the pussy he will get while she is imagining all the cocks she can ride. Of course, they overlook the fact that emotions are involved.

Oftentimes, it is the guy who awakens up to reality. While he was focusing on the pussy, he didnt realize that another (other) cocks would be filling his wife. This hits many men in the self confidence arena. Somehow he feels he will be judged. Or, that green giant, envy, hits him like a brick. Suddenly, a wild lifestyle turned into a jealous outrage. He just doesnt like the idea of his wife with other men.

Recently, I witnessed this situation. Fortunately, he was "man enough" to admit that he could not handle the lifestyle. It was a valuable lesson. Both him and his wife were extremely nice people who would be fun to interact with. Nevertheless, many simply are not cut out for that way of life.

The same is true for BDSM. This fact is multiplied the further out one goes on the extreme scale. For example, there are many who can handle a D/s lifestyle yet fall apart at the notion of M/s. It is just to much for most. The same is true for a BDSM scene. Many can handle light bondage/paddling. However, only a certain few are classified as pain sluts.

I believe self honesty is an important trait to develop. This gentleman had it in his life. He determined swinging was not for him (have no idea what the wife thought about it). We need to apply this same mindset to our life in BDSM. What are you suited for?

Remember, there is no shame in trying something and admitting it isn't for you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Certainty?

I write often about questioning your choice to adopt this way of life. I believe that it is best for people to look at the decisions they make even before they make them. Too many seem to believe what they experience online is reality. This was shown to be a conclusion which causes a great deal of heartache.

Today I am going to take the opposite approach. There is a time to stop thinking and begin taking action. Many will try to dwell upon a situation when confronted with a decision. This is avoidance. In life we must all move forward at times. However, because we lack a crystal ball, there is uncertainty with our decisions.

This concept applies not only to BDSM, D/s, or M/s. It is a fact of life. No matter what you are deciding, presuming it is of great importance, you are going to be apprehensive. Consider the choice of college to attend. Or the first house you bought. Or some cars which you purchased. When signing the paperwork, there is a feeling within you of "am I making a mistake".

The truth is that we are going to experience uncertainty in life. There are times when we must proceed despite being nervous. Nobody can know what the right choice in 100% of the time. That is where faith, trust, or intuition come in. We take the facts as they are presented, weigh the pros and cons, and make a choice.

When looking at entering this lifestyle, there are many questions one is confronted with. However, this is no different then those who get "cold feet" on their wedding day. People who experience this feel an uncertainty about the "lifelong" decision they are about to make. Yet most move forward in spite of this feeling and get married. Sometimes, one just needs to move forward in spite of the feelings.

There is no such thing as complete certainty. Uncertainty is a result of decisions since that is it's nature. We never know how a decision will turn out. Even the most educated of guesses can turn out wrong. That is okay. We learn the lesson and progress forward.

If you have done all the research you can and have an understanding what you are getting into, then it is time to take action. Ultimately life is lived in the present. Analysis, research, and opinion seeking are future focus activities. Even if we are uncertain, we must eventually take the leap. If we do not, this lifestyle will continue to allude us.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

No Win Situation

The last few posts have dealt with poly/multiple slave situations. I will conclude this focus with one last thought on this particular topic: there are going to be no- win situations. The truth is that there are times when someone is going to be upset no matter what You try. In the end, failure might be unavoidable.

In poly/multiple sub arrangements, there is a matter of perspective to take into account. People naturally see things from through their own eyes. A Dom/Master needs to be mindful of this when interacting with them. An individual's perspective will do more to sabotage an arrangement then any other single issue. It is at the core of all that occurs.

People will compare; this is another natural trait among us humans. We see this in children when they want the same thing as a sibling. Place more attention, love, or toys on one, and the other will throw a fit. Not much is different in this arena. People will judge what they receive as compared to another. It happens every time, so prepare for it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the same issue from two different people on the same day. How can that be? Simple. They each are looking at things from their slanted perspective. One feels that she is being left out since my focus is on the other person. While there might be some basis, this concept is shattered when the other one brings up the identical issue. It is the constant "you two and me out here" battle. This is where One is in a no-win situation. Each is complaining that the other is receiving attention at her expense. Two opposing perspectives arriving at the same conclusion. It seems that unless both are ignored, someone has to be off with her outlook.

What is at work is the self confidence each has. People's self esteem is reflected at moments likes these. Those who feel their standing is in jeopardy will cling to the hope that more attention will be lavished upon them. Again, this is a natural move for someone in this place. It is quite understandable when someone new is entering the picture. Each party is uncertain of the other and how He will interact with each of them. Even the best of sub/slaves will fall victim to this.

For poly to work, there cannot be a fracturing of the parties. Unfortunately, even a physical bringing together will not alleviate what I just mentioned. Success in this forum requires a mental outlook that it is "us" as opposed to "me-them". Each person needs to think of the total sum. This is where the concept of "family" arises. However, it is extremely difficult when one or more are looking at it with a divisive mind. And, it puts One in a -no-win situation.

Success in this type of arrangement comes down to trust. A sub/slave needs to trust in her position with her Dom/Master. Without this, she will fall prey to these insecure feelings. This will create an adversarial position taken against anyone new. New people do not have the luxury of having trust in the Dom/Master. She needs to be coaxed into understanding that her position is also safe with Him. This will not occur when she is being challenged by another. In the end, failure will result and people will be hurt.

As a Master, there is no more humbling feeling than to be in this no-win situation. My experience is that the best course of action to take is to let them work it out. There is nothing that One can do to solve this problem. All the reassurance in the world will only result in another blowup somewhere down the road. My belief is a change in mindset needs to occur and until one (or both) take the initiative to adopt this outlook, success will be elusive. Sadly, the next step is usually that someone looks for new living arrangements. In the end, some people simply cannot get along. Your life will be easier if you understand this going in.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Kinkilink.com-A site to check out

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Gorean Lifestyle?

Many ask Me about the Gorean lifestyle and is it for them? This is a question only they can answer. However, I state that it takes a certain type of person to be successful in that way of life. It requires a great amount of discipline on both the Master and slave to adhere to the edicts presented in those books.

What is Gor? John Norman wrote a series of fictional books over a period of 25 years that garnered a cult following. In them, he creates a planet where slavery was the foundation for the society. Women we held in captivity and treated in certain ways. Every detail of a slaves behavior was spelled out throughout the entire series.

Over the years, people have listed all these behavior patterns. These are the basics of living in a Gorean relationship. It spells out everything that a slave is to wear, how she is to address her Master and others, the branding ceremony, and punishments. This way of life offers little flexibility. People who are attracted to this way of life seem to be more extreme with the M/s relationship. To them, ever aspect of the relationship is lived according to the precepts of Gor.

I am not here to say that this is a right or wrong choice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the Gorean way of life if it is for you. Many have successful and long relationships within this model. The point that is being made is that it will take a fair amount of time to learn the different disciplines. If one wants to have a successful time with it, she must get with an experienced Master. This is not something that a couple really can learn together in my opinion. For One to train a slave under as a Gorean requires years of studying. Just another thing to consider as you look at this way of life.

social bookmarking links:

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::