Poly Lifestyle in BDSM

As I travel around the 'net, I see many who are looking for someone to join their "poly" family. Usually, this scenario involves a couple seeking a bi female. What I started to wonder is how many of these people are actually offering a poly relationship versus those seeking a playmate.

Truly Poly

How many people are truly poly? That is a number that is impossible to calculate. However, there are some estimates that place the number of people involved in poly relationships at somewhere around 1 million in the United States. Of course, most poly advocates believe that the number would be substantially higher if not for the negative social conditioning that we have in this country.

Before going any further, it is important to define what we are saying when we mean "poly". From my understanding, there are basically two types of relationships that people are referring to when mentioning this word. The first, and probably most common, is polysexual. This is where a couple has an open relationship sexually. They will include other people in this capacity but the primary "love" relationship still remains in tact.

This differs from polyamorous which involves loving more than one person. Under this relationship, the emotional attachment is not just relegated to the primary relationship. The individuals are free to choose intimacy with other people. Here, sex is secondary. The emotional attachment is what these people are seeking.

One of the biggest differences between the two is that in polyamorous relationships, one of the parties needs to be poly. What that means is that he or she has the ability to love more than one person simultaneously. Compare that with polysexual where each person has the ability to screw another. However, that does not mean either party is polyamorous.

Poly In BDSM

What does the typical scenario look like in the BDSM world where poly is involved. As mentioned, I believe the most common situation is where a couple decides they want to invite another person (usually a woman) into their relationship. Here we have a woman who is bisexual thus they seek out another bi woman to complete their "family". Wrapped within the boundaries of BDSM, we find that our couple is seeking a submissive female to play with the dominant male and switch female.

It is at this time that we should distinguish what is transpiring here. While this is referred to as poly, it actually is a polysexual situation. Some will try to pass it off as polyamorous. However, the hierarchical makeup removes that argument. In this situation, even if the first woman is not a Domme (or switch), she is higher up on the chart because of her relationship with her man. This is magnified if they are a married couple since there is the commitment level to each other. The new person is being added as a "third wheel". She is not on equal footing. The primary relationship remains uneffected.

As mentioned earlier, the odds are that the male (in this situation) is not polyamorous. He emotional connection is to his wife/girlfriend while the other person is added as a playmate. While not stated, this is shown to be true whenever emotional connections arise outside of the primary relationship. The first woman will put an end to it if she sees another relationship forming that rival hers. It is important to remember that most are agreeing to polysexual only. They still believe the "love" is reserved for them.

V and Triad

A polyamorous relationship has a completely different makeup. Under this type of relationship, there is one person who is poly. If you picture a V in your mind, this person would occupy the intersection of the two lines. (Let us use a male for our example) The lines of the V symbolize the relationship with the two women who each occupy a spot at the end. Thus, a V is formed when it is drawn out.

A triad relationship is made by joining the two women together. This can occur if an intimate relationship develops between the two of them. Oftentimes, they are just friends but others, they are involved sexually and/or romantically. This is how a relationship moves from a V to a triad.

Notice that the idea here is that equality is maintained in the sense that there is no primary relationship. Each relationship is equal to the other in polyamorous situations. Naturally, hierarchies can be established when the domination/submission aspects of BDSM are mixed in. However, polyamorous means there is equality between both relationships.

But She Is My Wife

This is where most will stray off the reservation. When challenged with the proper definitions, a man will proclaim that nobody is going to be able to compete with his wife. She is the one he married and that is where his commitment is. For this reason, I feel that people are misleading when mentioning they are seeking a poly household. What they are after is a third sex partner. That is all. While they will be friendly with her, the fact remains that nothing is going to penetrate the initial relationship. Most who claim to be poly actually cannot the emotional attachment with two people. What they really want is open-ended group sex.

I bring this up to all who are considering joining another couple to be a part of the poly "family". What are you truly getting into? This is something that I see happening all the time yet most are surprised when things go awry. They felt they were entering into a situation where they were going to be involved with two people. Naturally, they are sexually; emotionally is a different story. Submitting to him actually means submitting to her also.

What About M/s?

M/s is an area where poly is less problematic. I believe the nature of a M/s relationship is the reason for this. Whenever one lives as a slave, he or she is committed to living for the other person. During the power exchange, it is agreed that the Master (Mistress) will do as he or she sees fit. Oftentimes, this involves bringing in other people. This could be sexually or emotionally. The choice is up to him or her.

In addition, the "primary" relationship contains a built-in hierarchy. Since it fundamentally is one of power exchange, the slave has no say in how other relationships are structured. This is not the case in the vanilla world or even in the D/s arrangements I have seen. If you want to see the elimination of the hierarchy, witness the behavior of a wife (even if submissive) when her husband gets swept up in the new relationship energy that is created. Her eyes will be filled with green.

While there is the chance of this in the M/s world, many slaves are trained to put their wants and desires secondary. They live a life to please the one they serve. If taking on another person is what he or she wants, then that is how it is. Most end up happy that Master is happy. For this reason, I believe there is a greater acceptance of another while placing that person on equal footing.

Most Are Just Play

The bottom line is that I believe most are not seeking a true poly situation. Instead, they are simply seeking a third to join them for sexual adventures. They will use the guise of poly in an effort to take things to another level. However, as was shown, there is no equality among the same sex parties. The truth is that the new relationship will always be deemed secondary.

Be careful of what you are entering into. I would suggest questioning the people you are getting involved with. Ask them if you are going to be expected to take a back seat to what they already have established. I would say that most times you will have to. If this is acceptable to you, then you are ready to move forward. However, if you are seeking something greater, then you might want to reconsider.

The truth is that most poly situations do not work out because people have misleading impressions of what will happen. Poly is a very difficult way to live. While it is rewarding, it requires a lot of effort on all parties involved. The poly one is responsible for monitoring how much time and interaction is given to each person. At the same time, jealousy is something that the other two will deal with on a regular basis. All these issues can be worked out but they require focus, attention, and a lot of communication. Playing is easy; having a happy poly household is not.

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Poly Lifestyle

Poly simply means more than one. This is the basic definition that so many refer to when talking about lifestyle choices. However, what does it mean when one says that he or she is "poly"? This is a loaded question that requires some further explanation.

To start, there is a difference between being poly in the sense of relationship and having play mates. Threesome fit the basic poly definition yet, as you will see, fails further scrutiny.

Polygamy is probably to most well known form of poly lifestyle. Made famous in the U.S. by the Mormons, this means means multiple marriages. Polygamists claim the right to have more than one spouse and living within multiple families. Obviously, there is a commitment level that extends past just the sexual. This is a lifestyle that is lifelong according to their beliefs.

Polysexual is another facet of poly that is used to describe one who has more than one sexual partner. Again, we are not referring to the weekend threesome or gangbang. Polysexual means that are involved sexually with more than one person at the same time (without referring to group sex). Just think of it as meaningful sex with a couple people that you see on a regular basis.

Polyamorous is the latest in the poly family. This means that one is emotionally involved with more than one person at a time. Most times, this involves expressing those feelings sexually. Under this lifestyle, there is that thing called "love". In other words, there is a deeper emotional connection with each person. Time is spent developing the each relationship towards a further end.

So which aspect is best? That is entirely up to the individuals. Like most lifestyle choices, the door is wide open. Many within the BDSM community are also poly. However, there is a major difference between being polyamorous and swinging. Swingers are into sexual play. A true poly is into having a relationship with the other people. This is where it seems to be agreed the difference comes in. One is based upon sex, the other emotions. Even polysexuals seek to have a bit deeper meaning to each of their sexual relations.

I term myself "poly" since I refuse to live a life where I am restricted to just one relationship. At the same time, I am also a swinger because I will periodically partake a swinger's party. Both are lifestyle choices that I am involved in but they are two separate genres. Just because one swings, that does not make him or her poly. As you can see, a bit more is contained other than just getting it on with a couple different people.

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Poly Master

Is your Master poly? Some are, many are not. Nevertheless, do not be upset if you suddenly find out that your Master is interested in taking on another. This is within the rights of a Master.

I encounter many who tell me they are interested in being slaves. They want to be "owned" and are looking for the right person to submit to. They have illusions of a wonderful relationship where he will focus all his attention on her. She, in turn, will wait on him hand and foot on their path to eternal happiness. Oh, and we cannot forget the incredible sex which surely is to occur.

As wonderful as this concept is, I am often amazed at the roadblock that one has when I ask about poly Masters. Most tell me they do not want to be in a poly relationship and will not get with someone like that. This statement comes usually within minutes of that person telling me she wants to be a slave. I see incredible irony in the two statements.

Here is a clue: it matters little what you think. This sounds harsh but welcome to M/s. If you submit to another, your life is in his control. He is the one who makes the decisions. Those who believe they have a say in the dynamics of the relationship are sadly mistaken. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. Read that again. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. A slave, simply by her very position, has no say in who else is involved in the relationship.

It is important to know what one's place is before entering into the lifestyle. Few choose to do this. They believe some bullshit passed along by someone telling how wonderful her Master is in a chat room. Of course, this person lives 3 times zones away from her Master and never met him. Yet, she feels qualified to reveal all she "knows" as actual fact. The truth is this person is totally clueless and warrants no attention to her words. This is one who is living a fantasy. Cinderella is in full swing with Prince Charming.

Those who live real time tell a different story. M/s relationships, like all, are difficult. Life is still life. However, we live in an environment where the exchange of power is absolute. It is all with the Master. If he decides that another will be brought in, that is his choice. This is true even if he mentioned that he wasnt poly when you first met. Things change over time and a slave needs to prepare herself for that change. Another catching a Master's eye is commonplace. Be prepared to suddenly have a sister.

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A Typical Multi Relationship

This seems to be the common way poly situations end up.




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No Win Situation

The last few posts have dealt with poly/multiple slave situations. I will conclude this focus with one last thought on this particular topic: there are going to be no- win situations. The truth is that there are times when someone is going to be upset no matter what You try. In the end, failure might be unavoidable.

In poly/multiple sub arrangements, there is a matter of perspective to take into account. People naturally see things from through their own eyes. A Dom/Master needs to be mindful of this when interacting with them. An individual's perspective will do more to sabotage an arrangement then any other single issue. It is at the core of all that occurs.

People will compare; this is another natural trait among us humans. We see this in children when they want the same thing as a sibling. Place more attention, love, or toys on one, and the other will throw a fit. Not much is different in this arena. People will judge what they receive as compared to another. It happens every time, so prepare for it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the same issue from two different people on the same day. How can that be? Simple. They each are looking at things from their slanted perspective. One feels that she is being left out since my focus is on the other person. While there might be some basis, this concept is shattered when the other one brings up the identical issue. It is the constant "you two and me out here" battle. This is where One is in a no-win situation. Each is complaining that the other is receiving attention at her expense. Two opposing perspectives arriving at the same conclusion. It seems that unless both are ignored, someone has to be off with her outlook.

What is at work is the self confidence each has. People's self esteem is reflected at moments likes these. Those who feel their standing is in jeopardy will cling to the hope that more attention will be lavished upon them. Again, this is a natural move for someone in this place. It is quite understandable when someone new is entering the picture. Each party is uncertain of the other and how He will interact with each of them. Even the best of sub/slaves will fall victim to this.

For poly to work, there cannot be a fracturing of the parties. Unfortunately, even a physical bringing together will not alleviate what I just mentioned. Success in this forum requires a mental outlook that it is "us" as opposed to "me-them". Each person needs to think of the total sum. This is where the concept of "family" arises. However, it is extremely difficult when one or more are looking at it with a divisive mind. And, it puts One in a -no-win situation.

Success in this type of arrangement comes down to trust. A sub/slave needs to trust in her position with her Dom/Master. Without this, she will fall prey to these insecure feelings. This will create an adversarial position taken against anyone new. New people do not have the luxury of having trust in the Dom/Master. She needs to be coaxed into understanding that her position is also safe with Him. This will not occur when she is being challenged by another. In the end, failure will result and people will be hurt.

As a Master, there is no more humbling feeling than to be in this no-win situation. My experience is that the best course of action to take is to let them work it out. There is nothing that One can do to solve this problem. All the reassurance in the world will only result in another blowup somewhere down the road. My belief is a change in mindset needs to occur and until one (or both) take the initiative to adopt this outlook, success will be elusive. Sadly, the next step is usually that someone looks for new living arrangements. In the end, some people simply cannot get along. Your life will be easier if you understand this going in.

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