Protecting Oneself

Safety is something that everyone needs to be concerned about. It is the number one priority that each person, whether submissive or dominant, needs to have in their life. BDSM contains some dangerous aspects. Couple that with the fact that the online world is full of vultures and one soon realizes how easy it is to put oneself in a difficult situation.

Craziness

It is sad to say but some people are simply crazy. This might seem like an over-reaching statement but it is something that I find completely true. While most online people might not be ready for the sanitarium, they definitely exhibit behavior that is neurotic.

I recently read an online post by an individual who mentioned his play date. In it he discussed how himself and the other individual chatted online and agreed to meet for a weekend together. He drove up and dominated this individual. After spending some in person time together this individual stated that perhaps they weren't compatible, and while they had fun, it was best to leave it at that. Evidently the other person was understanding and compliant with this. It seemed everything ended on a good note.

Here is where things get wacky. A couple of days later this individual received an angry email from the other one mentioning how badly he hurt him. To further the damage, he spread rumors around the site they met on and threatened to go to his work and expose him.

As you can see, this is a play date that went bad. Here is an individual who is evidently dealing with some mental issues. To go from an agreeable parting to vile anger in a couple of days shows something is amiss (of course we are presuming what the poster is relating is accurate-but for example sake it works). This is a person who is emotionally unstable in some capacity.

Safety On All Levels

Safety is often only mentioned in the physical sense. Many write about how to properly hold a scene and ways to engage in risky behavior while preventing injury. These are worthwhile tips and all of them should be followed. Nevertheless, there are many other ways that one needs to protect him or herself.

I find that submissive people are in a quandary regarding safety because it goes counteractive to the goal that is sought. A submissive person aims to give control over to another. This puts him/her in an extremely vulnerable position. In effect, the safety of this person becomes of the responsibility of the dominant. While this is rightly so, many will not uphold this responsibility which can cause tremendous damage.

Therefore, it is the onus of a submissive to protect him/herself from harm. This is counter intuitive to the submission process but a vital step until all facts are brought into the open. Many are too quick to entrust someone who is ill-equipped to handle the responsibility. Therefore, one needs to ensure safety and cede that trust slowly. A BDSM relationship is not a sprint as much as a marathon. Moving forward at an unacceptable pace is what causes injury (or worse).

It Starts With You

One of the levels where safety is paramount is psychologically. As a dominant, one needs to be ever mindful of the state of the person that he/she is dealing with. Some simply are not mentally equipped to deal with some of the things we do in the BDSM world. For whatever reason, they have not dealt with some past issues which will preclude safely moving forward.

Of course, this brings up the question: are you one of those people? This is where the onset of preparation begins. One protects oneself by tending to those mental/psychological issues that stem from past events. For example, if you had sexual or physical abuse in the past, be sure you received the proper therapy or counseling so that these events do not enter into any future endeavors. Those who fail to do this tend to have flashbacks and other occurrences which create harm. While a dominant should look for signs that point to this type of behavior, one cannot be sure that this person will be able to safely navigate this troublesome area. Ergo, it is best to handle the situation oneself and remove the potential pitfall.

The same concept applies to a BDSM scene. I always suggest only playing with someone you know and has the ability to safely engage in whatever activity you are proposing. Many have been injured (or killed) because a scene went awry. While it is the dominants responsibility, again, this is something that cannot be counted on. A submissive should remove him/herself (or use the safe word) as soon as something appears amiss. Personal protection is the only way to go.

Does this mean that you, as a submissive, will never enjoy the freedom of turning it all over to another? The answer is no. Trust is something that needs to be earned. Knowing the ability firsthand of who you are dealing with takes time. Through your interaction together, you will see how much he/she applies some of the concepts we discuss here. If the person behaves in a manner that is safe and sane, one is apt to give over more. This is the natural process that takes place. Through the feeling of comfort and safety, a submissive can free him/herself of much of the burden. However, I cannot stress enough that this is something that has to occur only after a great deal of talking, interacting, and personal experience with one another. It is not something that can be shortcut.

Remember, your well being is at stake.

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BDSM Foundation: Consensual

The motto for the BDSM community is Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This is the guideline that many people follow. There are some who dispute the validity of it, but I would say they are in the minority.

Have you ever considered what consensual means? To me, this is what negates all arguments against this way of life. BDSM is something that we all agree to. If there is not consent on the part of both parties, then I do not consider that a legitimate BDSM interaction. When lines are crossed, that is abuse; pure and simple.

Some of the actions that take place within this way of life are pretty extreme. The images that are posted do an adequate job reflecting this to the general public. While I maintain this is not the majority of the lifestyle, it is a big enough factor to consider. People engage in activities that are painful. Outsiders will wrongly conclude that one is being abused. Most times, this is not the case.

The analogy that fits the best is comparing consensual sex to rape. Anyone can determine the difference between the two. Here we have two actions that are the same, sexual intercourse, but outcomes that are radically different. Rape is a horrible experience that scars one while consensual sex will leave a much better impression.

BDSM is the same way. A sub who consents to being tied up and whipped is not a victim. That person is a willing participant in something that produces pleasure for him or her. As long as the boundaries are maintained, both people involved are satisfied. This is sharply different from abuse. One who has those boundaries crossed is victimized. Thus, a pleasurable experience turns into a painful one. The same action has a different outcome.

The naysayers proclaim that we are sick people for behaving in such a manner. My feeling is that adults are free to do as they wish so long as consent is involved. D/s and M/s relationships are built upon the foundation of consent. Parties negotiate what they are requiring of the other person. Agreements are spelled out with unacceptable behavior duly noted. As long as both parties adhere to what is agreed upon, victimization is virtually eliminated.

Let us know what your views are on this topic.

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Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is the foundation for BDSM. Everything we do follows these simple edicts. Whenever anyone strays from them, bad things happen. You will notice that the events which make the paper are because these three words were ignored.

In most societies around the world, slavery is outlawed. At the same time, it is illegal to hold someone against their will. Breaking these laws carry a huge penalty in the modernized cultures. Kidnapping is not something that is considered lightly by the courts.

With that being said, the Master/slave relationship exists only because there is consent. Anytime there is a scene, both parties are agreeing to participate. To ensure safety, certain ground rules are established ahead of time. The use of a "safe word" is critical especially when playing with someone unfamiliar. This is how a sub can maintain an order of control so as not to cross any hard limits.

Much damage can be done when a BDSM scene goes awry. The press sensationalizes the physical harm done when people act without regard to safety. There are instances where death occurred as a result of a scene. Nevertheless, much less talked about but ever more dangerous is the psychological pain that a Dom/Master can cause during a scene. It is not uncommon for someone to have flashbacks to previous abuse. Since there is pain involved in many scenes, these thoughts can provoke one to go off the deep end mentally. This can scar someone permanently.

How do we go about ensuring everything turns out okay. We remember three things:

1. All actions during the scene are done after the safety issue is considered.

2. It is best to engage in actions that are reflective of your ability. A new person should not play with full suspension. This is something that is best left to the seasoned persons. We like our play to be fun but within reason for people's skill and limit level. That is sanity.

3. The basic premise of the foundation is consensual. A sub/slave decides to submit, not the other way around. Those who try to push one into submitting are really taking a hostage. That is not consensual. We strive to have consent as the foundation of the relationship.

Remember these three parameters when entering into this life. There is nothing worse than a scene gone wrong. That is how people get hurt.

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