Finding Your One

I see questions like this posed all over the Internet: how do I find a Master (slave)? It is always interesting to see a thread on a forum develop out of this basic question. Once again, we find people who want a "cookie cutter" solution to the life.

Relate To The Traditional World

My fundamental tenet is to always relate things to the traditional world to see if something that is occurring within this life is absurd. The above question is completely asinine when you compare it to the vanilla world. Common sense is something that seems lacking when many approach this way of life.

My comparison is to think of a vanilla dating site and consider a similar question. For instance, how likely is it that you will see one post this: how do I go about finding a husband (wife)? I surmise that if this is posted, the person will be under the age of 10. My reasoning is that everyone in society who is over that age knows how the interpersonal relationship works. It is not something that is kept a secret.

At the same time, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of ways to go about finding a spouse. People meet each other through work, friends, dating sites, personal ads, or simply in the supermarket. The "manual" on dating and love is rewritten hundreds of times each year by authors touting the "secret". Each situation differs based upon the individual needs.

BDSM Is No Different

In many ways, BDSM is no different from what we already know. When you get to the essence, the primary difference is how the power structure is broken down. Other than that, we are often dealing with the same issues as the rest of the world. Thus, a BDSM relationship is nothing more than another relationship. All interpersonal skills apply.

How does one go about finding a Master (slave)? The same way one would go about finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It starts with putting oneself in a situation where he or she will encounter available people. The Internet makes this process easier (while also making it more difficult). One cannot successfully fish unless he or she casts a line in the water. Getting into a BDSM relationship requires placing ourselves in position to meet others.

Another aspect in this is to get involved. Travel to many of the "BDSM dating" sites and you will find profiles stating something like "Master seeking slave-email me". Again, if we go to the vanilla sites, do you think there are profiles stating "Man seeking girlfriend-email me". If this is done, what do you think of a person who does this? I would conclude he is an obnoxious ass. Certainly, we can agree that this is not commonplace within the vanilla world. People will tell about themselves.

Not so in the BDSM world. This concept is on profiles all over the net. People seem to lose interpersonal skills as soon as BDSM is involved. I cannot tell you how many times I encountered someone who said that he is looking for a slave; anyone interested? Like anyone worth a lick is going to respond to that. What the hell is he offering? What are his qualifications? Simple ideas that are instantly overlooked by those who are floating around the life.

In the end, finding someone to have a relationship with requires the same dedication and effort as in the traditional world. There are no shortcuts here. People who take the time to consider what they are seeking themselves have a head start on everyone else. Knowing yourself and your desires enables you to identify what you are seeking when you run across it. This can shorten the process.

Bear in mind that we are all individuals. What I want certainly is different from the desires of many others. Whether dominant or submissive, we all have things that we want in a relationship. Identifying those characteristics goes a long way to being able to match someone up. Start the process today to avoid headaches down the road. This life is not as mysterious as people make it out to be. Normal interpersonal skills still apply.

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What Is A Fake?

This is a term I hear all the time: "fake". In fact, it is something that I use regularly myself to describe people with whom I encounter in the online world. However, did you ever take time out to figure out what that means? Until recently, I had not. In this post, I will share what revelations I made in an effort to help you navigate the online BDSM community.

Real and Genuine

These are two terms that I believe need to be looked at.  When someone is genuine, I take that to mean they are a real person and are how they describe themselves.  This is generally at a basic level.  For example, someone who states that she is a woman living in California, age 39 with two children.  If all of this is true, I would call this person "genuine".  She exists and is not misleading with the fundamental facts.  This is something a person can utilize to build a relationship.

However, just because one is genuine does not mean that he or she is "real" in the context of the BDSM community.  I read so many profile of people who proclaim to be certain things when simple logic dictates they are not.  For example, one who proclaims to be a Master simply because he read a few blog posts does not make it so.  This is a person who fails the "real" test. He might be genuine in the context of existing but suffers from an ignorance about what this way of life is.

Therefore, whenever we are interacting with people, we need to determine whether they are both real and genuine.  Just because one exists does not mean they are what he or she proclaims to be.  

Camming or Sex Talk

These are the ones who I encounter who are most commonly called "fakes".  They are the people who log into a chatroom and instantly want to im chat with someone on there.  Usually, this person will seek out anyone who is willing to engage in dirty chat.  The same holds true for those who want to sex cam with others.  They are quick to make their intentions known.

People who are online who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle will instantly size these people up as fakes.  But are they?  While I will admit they have no intention of being part of this way of life, they most often are up front about what they want.  Their entry online is for a particular purpose that differs than those of us who are actively promoting and interacting with "lifestylers".  Nevertheless, their motivation is just as valid although the chosen forum might be amiss.

Personally, I do not engage with the cammers and sex chat people.  There are times when I enjoy this activity.  However, I do not log on with the desire to get my rocks off fulfilling an online fantasy.  For this reason, I quickly pass by those who are into this activity.  And, I will fess up that I get just as frustrated when the trolls enter the chatrooms and try to turn every conversation into sex play.  Yet, I also realized these people will leave quicker than a parole exiting prison if he or she does not immediately find reciprocation.  

The Game Players

The cammers and the sex chat people are not the most confusing to me.  It is fairly easy to determine their motivation.  They are apparent in what they want and I hope they find what they are seeking.  The Internet is practical for all kinds of kink.  Their is not different.

That being said, what is dumbfounding to me are those who want to play games online.  Going back to the previously mentioned criteria, why would anyone not be real?  What is their motivation for pretending to be something that they are not?  This is something that I failed to conclude.  It is baffling to me why someone would want to waste the time.  I can only presume their lives are that miserable that they need to create online fantasies.

The "game players" are very common.  These are the ones that elicit the profile posts proclaiming "NO FAKES".  Anyone who spent any time in the online BDSM world has met these people.  A person wakes up one day and decides to be a single 35 years old Master from Chicago when in fact the 59 years old married man from Dallas.  Or we see the 29 year old slave from Minnesota with the 125 pound figure to die for who is really a 48 year old overweight divorcee with 4 kids.  These people exist on a daily basis trying to lure people into their sick fantasy. Sadly, there is little way to decipher them from the real ones until you walk down the path a ways with them.

What Is A Fake?

So, to answer the initial question, a fake is, in my opinion, someone who is not genuine.  I will not phrase the cammers and sex chat people that since I feel they are simply people with a different agenda.  The people who actually exist but are naive to what this lifestyle is all about are true in their minds, thus not worthy of the title.  Their solution is more research and insight to determine exactly where they fit in.  However, if they are genuine, they are someone who can be dealt with on a mature level.

The non-genuine people are the most dangerous.  They are the ones who suck in unsuspecting people with their cons.  Sadly, they are also the ones who will disappear without a trace.  As mentioned, we all ran across them in our travels so getting bit by one is no shame.  Nevertheless, we need to be aware whenever we are interacting with someone unknown to us.  The anonymity of the Internet makes it easy for people to create an online persona which exists only in their mind.  Those who emotionally attach themselves to these people end up being let down.  They are the ones who swear what they have is real only to be exposed to the con that everyone else recognized.

Protecting Yourself

Common sense is your best protection when dealing with the fakes.  There is a natural progression of any interaction whether in real time or online.  Recognizing when the steps are being stalled is a warming sign that something is amiss.  For example, it is common to want to know what the person you are chatting with looks like.  And, at some point, it is acceptable to exchange photos to reveal yourself and vice versa.  Well, if someone is unwilling to do this, that is a cause to question whether this woman is really 125 pounds with blond hair and blue eyes. Another warning sign is the times that he or she is available.  If someone is online only during work hours but unavailable on the weekends or at night, perhaps he or she is tending to the spouse and family.  This is something that you should further question.

Most people see through the fakes in a short period of time.  However, I encounter those who believed in their Dom/Master or sub/slave when it was evident the person wasn't genuine.  He or she did not exist in the manner proclaimed.  Of course, the truth eventually came out but not before there was a great deal of heartache.  Do not fall into this trap.  Use your common sense to sniff out the people who are intentionally misleading you.  It is the difference between making your online experience a good one or a tragedy.

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The Online Charade

This is a post that some people will disagree with. However, I spent a lot of time on different sites over the last few years. This, coupled with my decade of experience in this BDSM lifestyle, gives me insight that most lack. Sharing this combined experience so as to give people an idea about what is going on is what my goal is. Please consider this before you decide these ideas foolhardy.

People who are online have every motivation under the sun. There are people who are seeking to just pass the time. Others are trying to learn about a particular topic or subject. Some want to get their rocks off while others looking for something meaningful. These various motives need to be considered when you are chatting with someone.

The Internet

The advent of the Internet changed the complexion of the BDSM lifestyle forever. Today, we are still an alternative lifestyle that is still not accepted by the mainstream. However, I believe that we have left the days where we were "underground". My feeling is the World Wide Web is responsible for this transformation. Individuals now have a place to turn to find out about what we are into. This is remarkably easier than the olden days when personally knowing someone was about the only way to gain insight.

Before going any further, I will categorically state my beliefs with this new medium. The Internet offers two advantages that anyone can put into practice to gain immediate benefit. First, like was just mentioned, the educational opportunities are limitless. Knowledge is much easier to come by since we have posted so much online. A new person can spend a few weeks reading blogs like this and gain an enormous amount of intelligence pertaining to this way of life. This is something that accelerated only because of the 'Net.

The second advantage is that the Internet allows you to find and interact with people who you normally would not be able to access. In the olden days, the odds of gaining insight from someone from the UK if you were in America was slim. In fact, unless one was in your local BDSM community, the odds were you never would encounter him or her. Interaction was relegated to only a few traditional channels. Again, the Web changed all that.

The Downside

As great as this advancement was for our community, it also offered up some downfalls that we see today. This downside, in my opinion, results in the infliction of pain on many who are unsuspecting. Warning people of these dangers is a top priority for me. Those who take exception to what I write can go spin on a bottle. The truth is people are being seriously hurt in many different ways.

To start, the Internet is a communication tool. It is a medium that allows you to connect with another person. However, it is not real. Those who believe what they experience is true needs to take a look at that. Too often, I see the results of people falling for the fairy tale that is presented.

As I mentioned, there are many different motivations for being online. To presume that someone is in a chat room or forum for the same reason as you is insane. They are not. The vast percentage of people are seeking something different than the one who is seriously looking to find a valid person. My estimates have that as high as 95%.

While many feel that having fun and interacting online is a great way to pass the time, I see those who take it too far. Getting emotionally attached to someone whom you do not have any other contact with is setting yourself up for a downfall. The Internet offers everyone anonymity. Many use this to pass themselves off as something they are not because of the fact that nobody can see them. Simply read a few blog posts and you have enough to pass yourself off as an expert. This is where those who believe what they have is real are in jeopardy of tremendous hurt.

The Charade

When it comes to BDSM, I can tell you that most of what is online is a complete charade. There are many who are proclaiming to be something they are not. That is the bottom line. While not discounting the medium, I will state that I do not believe that anyone who has an online relationship has anything more than a potential relationship. I will not say the person that is being interacted with is not real. However, I will say that further proof is needed.

I was reminded when chatting with someone who was relating to me her experiences with online Doms. She said that they were so ridiculous in what they were doing. This I can believe. She mentioned that one wanted her to not interact with any other Doms and be celibate to him. This might make sense in a real time relationship. Yet, this person was in a different country altogether. Fortunately, she was astute enough to realize the facade of this person.

This brings up another point. What is this sub agreed to his demands. Suppose she said that she would not be with anyone else. How is he to know? The answer is he can not. It reminds me of a post I read where one explained of a person she knew who took the collar of 13 Masters online. Obviously, this person is a fake but I can guarantee that at least 10 of those guys thought what they had was real. The proof is in the numbers.

Just because I proclaim myself an astronaut does not make it so. The same is true for BDSM. I suggest you look for the charade that people are playing. Even if they are earnest in their statements, the odds are that the experience and abilities lack. I came across so many who said they were slaves only to conclude they were not. I believe these people were truthful with their beliefs. However, they lacked the real world application to know that it wasnt true. It takes a great deal more than a belief to live as a 24/7 slave.

The Next Step

If you are dealing with someone who is true and real, congratulations. However, I would suggest that you rapidly more the relationship to the traditional level of interaction. Before doing that, I feel you are at the potential level. There might be something to build upon between the two of you. However, moving it offline is needed. Without that, you are just living an online fantasy.

How is this accomplished? Simple. Start to use the other forms of communication. That is your next step. I will caution to do this only after you are certain that it is safe to reveal some of your personal information. My tendency is to start phone interaction as soon as it is appropriate. Without talking to someone in real time, there is little to decipher. Lots will get lost in the online communication. Talking with someone allows you to uncover different things. If you feel hesitant to give out your phone number, then use the voice mechanism on something like Yahoo Messenger. This allows for real time interaction while protecting your identity.

After that, I would say most are capable of nurturing the relationship along. When you feel it right, perhaps arrange an in person meeting. This is naturally easier if you are in the same area. However, many travel to other towns, states, or countries for a weekend (week) visit. This will allow for the real time interaction to grow. It is at these points that you honestly know you are dealing with someone real. Then, the charade is over. Either one is what he or she proclaims, or is not. You will know definitively at this point. However, that will never happen as long as you remain engaged in the online game.

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Pushing Too Far

What is a sub/slave truly capable of? I believe finding out is one of the major responsibilities of a Dom/Master. It is important that a sub/slave be conditioned to continually grow. Without this, stagnation is the result. Life is meant to move in a forward direction. Those who try remain where they are ultimately end up going backwards. A Dom/Master needs to push one to move further.

Of course, one needs to be adept at this art. This is one of those things that is more "art than science". There are no written rules as to the best way to "push" a sub/slave. Each individual is different. Part of the process is to uncover that which will make him or her respond.

One area to look at is past experiences. Human nature dictates that we most often will bring past experiences into present situations. Memories do not just vanish. This is magnified when the past was emotionally charged. People who are victims of abuse, as an example, are subject to relive those experiences in his or her mind. Oftentimes, the impact is so severe that counseling is required.

I suggest that anyone who is afflicted with such situations seek the proper trained attention. Dom/Masters are many things. However, few are licensed therapists able to deal with many of the psychological circumstances that arise from such past traumas. Trying to push those issues aside will rarely prove effective. Help is often needed.

Anyone who is in control of another person's life bears a large responsibility. This is not something to take lightly. Moving a sub/slave forward in her growth process while maintaining the "gentle" touch so as not to produce harm is trying. Knowing when to pull back so as not to cause this damage is equally as difficult. Nevertheless, safety is always the highest priority.

The most important thing a Dom/Master can do is not to push one too far. Take into account past experiences and be mindful of when they may be reappearing. If something is mentioned as a Hard Limit, give that the proper thought and consideration. There certainly might be a valid reason as to why that limit exists. Hard Limits are perfectly acceptable when there is a worthwhile reason. Pulling back when you reach one is a way to ensure not pushing one too far. Overall, you will find more happiness if you can develop this art.

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Direction

Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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Where To Find The Lifestyle

Many go seeking this way of life. The search usually begins by visiting different web sites and blogs amassing information along the way. Sadly, much of this is misleading but that is a topic for another day. While traveling around the web, our prospect starts to interact with doms and subs encountered in the chat rooms. After some time, perhaps this individual will get into some type of online relationship.

The problem with this approach is that it is often externally focused. I have seen so many who get involved with a dom or sub (Master or slave) only to walk away from the lifestyle because of conflict within the relationship. The reason this happens is our new person put the cart before the horse. Dedication to another person occurs only after one commits to the lifestyle. This is how I found success in this lifestyle is created.

That being said, the search into this way of life begins with a journey inward. The truth is that both domination and submission reside within the person. It is not something that is discovered outside of oneself. That is not where it is located. Instead, it is the inner search which reveals the truth.

We chose a lifestyle which has the word "consensual" in its motto (Safe, Sane, Consensual). If this is a consensual way of life, how can one realistically have control over another? In reality, he or she is not able to do that. Domination exists only as long as their is consent. Without that, there is no relationship (we are assuming that one is not willing to engage in felonious activity such as kidnapping or hostage taking). Consent is required for success in BDSM.

I had a discussion with someone regarding ownership. After dwelling upon the conversation, I questioned what determines one to be owned. My conclusion is that one is owned as long as one believes it in his/her mind. The submission process exists while it is present in his or her head. Domination is the same way. As long as one mentally is dominant, then it is so. Changing the mindset removes the reality of these situations. Of course, it is helpful to have the mindset reciprocated. One cannot be dominant without another submitting. It takes two sides to make it so.

This might sound contrary to much of my writing. This is not the case. I am not advocating one taking the submission process lightly. Nor am I stating this is a game to be played with. That is part of the online garbage that I see on a regular basis. "Master shopping" is a pastime for many. These individuals are never in a "relationship" because they never fully commit mentally to any of these other people. To them, submission is handed out like compliments. It means nothing.

So, where does this leave one who is presently involved in a relationship? In my opinion, as long as you both are mentally committed to the roles of your particular relationship, regardless of external circumstances, then ownership is present. To me, this is part of being true to your domination or submission. Again, it takes both parties to make it so. Consent on the behalf of each is required.

When looking for the lifestyle in your relationship, simply look at the mindset of the two involved. Just assuming a title does not make one so. Domination requires certain acts, as does submission. Are those roles being fulfilled? If not, what is the mental outlook of each person? I see many who claim to be submissive, as an example, while having the behavior of a dom. Evidently, the overriding thoughts in this case are that of domination as opposed to submission.

Thus, journey inward to find the BDSM way of life. Your place in this lifestyle will quickly be revealed with a little personal reflection. Committing to another person is a voluntary choice. Remaining true to that choice is often difficult but does yield terrific dividends in most instances. As long as you both are mentally involved, domination or submission prevails.

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Being True To Your One

Many talk about living in this lifestyle and being obedient to their Doms/Masters. Sadly, for many, this is all talk. It seems, judging by the chat on different sites, that reality is something completely different. This idea is in keeping with my other observation that few are truly cut out to be in this way of life.

M/s is an extreme part of the BDSM world. It is not suited for everyone. Unfortunately, many seem to think they are ideal for this since there is the desire to "submit" to another. This is a fallacy. M/s requires a submission that is beyond the comprehension of most people.

To be successful in this way of life, one must be true to her(his) Master(Mistress). This means the submissive individual is willing to completely ignore his/her desires for the sake of the one that was submitted to. Again, many will claim this but encounter difficulty when faced with it in real time. Reality rarely reflects the online fantasy.

The online world has a way of glorifying the BDSM lifestyle. Based upon the images conveyed, many believe that BDSM is nothing more than a 24/7 sexfest with complete service to one's Master. There is the belief that life suddenly will be fulfilled with one as the total focus of Master. Again, this is a scene played out daily online. However, reality plays a different tune.

For starters, few are in a financial position to dedicate exclusive focus upon a slave. People need to earn a living and that requires a grand amount of our time. Plus, it usually is the slave who is responsible for complete focus on the Master, not the other way around. He is the one who owns her. It was she who submitted to him.

Being true to your one means maintaining that focus without exception. What is it that a slave wants? Ideally, she will want her Master to be happy. Anything that enhances his happiness is what she should desire. Of course, there are times when this might go against her personal wishes. Masters can be temperamental beings. We desire many different things and chose a life where we can fulfill those wishes. A slave who thinks it is her place to deny that to him is mistaken in her role. She exists in the relationship to enhance, not take away from.

An example is when a Master wants to take another on. This could be either temporary or permanent (relax few things in life are permanent). The bottom line is that he has an interest in being/playing with another. That is his choice as a Master. A slave's place is to be supportive of his decisions regardless of what that means to her. Naturally, it most often reduces the focus on her with the other person garnering it. This is a difficult proposition to handle.

A slave who is true to her Master understands the parameters of the lifestyle and what "total power exchange" means. She is not in control. In the aforementioned example, I have seen many who want to dictate the terms of his choice. Again, this shows how one is not really into giving complete control away. She is trying to manipulate the situation to please her. This is not being supportive in my opinion.

All terms and parameters are established by the Master. That is the nature of the M/s lifestyle. Of course, this is a rather rigid way to live. That is why it is at the extreme end of the BDSM scale. Many are better suited for the D/s way of life. This allows them the freedom associated with submitting while maintaining control in those areas that he or she wishes. Being true to your one means being able to following all mandates regardless of your personal desires. From my observations online, this is something only a select few can ever hope to accomplish.

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Healthy Self Esteem

How important is it to have a healthy self esteem in the BDSM world?

This is a question that I have pondered for a while. I see many who seem to lack the basic belief in oneself, especially among the submissive types. This lifestyle evidently has a way of attracting those who are seeking to have others make them feel valuable. Perhaps this is why so many BDSM relationships end up failing.

As a Master, I can emphatically state that it is impossible for me to "totally carry another" in a relationship. Too often I have seen people who have absolutely no self-worth. These people are always a challenge to deal with. Without a basic belief in oneself, no relationship will ever be healthy.

Nothing frustrates me more than dealing with someone who is completely unbalanced. Emotional security within oneself is crucial. Too many seem to lack this basic component. That being said, they come to the BDSM lifestyle with the intention of solving their problems. Without a basic self-worth, is it any wonder all their relationships ended up in failure. BDSM is not the solution. This is just another bust added to the train wreck called life.

This is one of the reasons why we see so many enter/exit the lifestyle. They simply do not have the ability to make any relationship successful. Expecting someone else to magically wash all your problems away and make you feel good about yourself is an unrealistic expectation. This is true whether that person is called Master, Mistress, Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend.

A relationship involves two people. Both parties need to have a basic self-assurance to make it work. There is enough difficulty in meshing any two people together. When one is looking at the other to bear the complete burden for the emotional state of both parties, the path to breakup is being laid. This is something I witnessed countless times over the years.

If you are presently not in a relationship but looking into one, I would suggest you first consider where you are with your self esteem. Are you at a place where you have a healthy outlook about yourself? If you are one who is even willing to consider a question such as this, then you are further along than 95% of the population. Most will not even consider something of this magnitude. Nevertheless, a good self-worth is critical to the success in any relationship. BDSM is no different.

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The Danger Of Blind Obedience

I was in a chat room the other day and witnessed something that I saw many times before. There was myself and a sub in the room when another "Dom" entered. He proceeded to chat with the sub telling her how she should behave and what a sub is suppose to do. It was interesting because I never once saw him present himself as worthy of being a Dom. Again, just because he says he is one, does it make it so? If that is the case, then I am an astronaut.

This is an example of how blind obedience can be dangerous. Now, I am not saying this person was not a real Dom nor that he lacks the ability to control. I have no way of knowing. The point is that if a sub follows blindly in a situation like this, he or she might end up getting hurt. Sadly, this is something that I see all too often.

Many would feel that nobody would follow an individual of this nature without knowing anything about him. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Many will "submit" at the drop of a hat. They are so desperate to find someone to "own" them, that they go for anyone who claims to be dominant. This is occurring everyday in chat rooms all over the place.

My regular readers know that safety is of the highest concern. I promote this every chance I can. One needs to be willing to look out for his or her safety regardless of whether a Dom or a sub. Certainly, the onus should fall to the Dom. However, many do not take that seriously. This is why a sub needs to be attentive to what is transpiring and say "no" if he or she is put in jeopardy.

Obedience is a fundamental premise of this lifestyle. Nevertheless, there is a line to anything that involves consent. Disobeying because you do not like the idea of something is inappropriate. However, if you (or your children) are put in danger, then it is time to stop the proceedings. Blind obedience can be fatal.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are chatting with someone.

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Maturity

Where does the line between having fun and actually being a mature person take place? I see many who like to "play" online. This is an activity that I have participated in quite often. We all need to let loose and "take our shoes off" once in a while. However, the question I have is where does this end? In other words, can this be an indication of something more than just playing?

The reason I bring all this up is because I see many engaging in their little online goofy games. Many times, the actions I witness is that of a child. The maturity level of these people is instantly called into question. Of course, one of the advantages of chat rooms and forums is that we can let loose "the child within". I feel if the activities were left at this point, things would be alright. But, my opinion, is they are not.

It takes maturity to make relationships work. This is not an earth shattering proposition. Nevertheless, many who play online seem to simultaneously have issues in their personal lives. This makes me wonder whether the online immaturity is really a reflection of something deeper. Can they really let the "games" go and deal with another in a mature manner?

Sadly, I will say that many are dealing with something deeper. This seems to be magnified on the submissive side of the equation. For whatever reason, this lifestyle attracts many who are incapable of dealing with people on a rational level. Instead, they behave in childish ways in every aspect of their lives. Ultimately, this creates chaos in their relationships.

I have never encountered so many people who lack basic social skills as the BDSM online community. That being said, I have to admit that I havent spent a lot of time within other online communities so, perhaps, it is just the online immaturity I am witnessing. Nevertheless, this seems to transcend into the real lives of people. It is amazing to see "mature" people so incapable of dealing with life. It is as if BDSM is being used as a way to hide from life.

I don't know if the rantings of my mind make any sense today. However, I see so much immaturity I am starting to wonder where all the "grown ups" are. Just food for the mind.

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Trust In A Sub/Slave

I often see people referring to the importance of trust and how it is crucial that a Dom/Master earn that before one submits. This is something that I obviously agree with. People who blindly throw their trust around are, at best, foolish and, at worst, putting themselves in a dangerous situation. Since the trust aspect of a Dom/Master is well chronicled, I will not delve into it here.

The topic that I do want to comment upon is the trust that a sub/slave needs to earn from the Dom/Master. This is a subject rarely broached online yet seems to be of utmost importance. For whatever reason, since the online world promotes submission as a "gift", it believes that a sub/slave's perspective is what matter. This is something that I disagree with. The reality of the situation is not exactly what it seems.

To start, there appears to be few "Masters" out there. While the chatrooms are full of people claiming to be them, this is not the case. Few have ever ventured into real time. From my perspective, there seems to be a lot more submissive types than dominant. The numbers in the rooms also reflects this. Thus, online is overrun with "slavies" while being bare on "Masters".

Another issue that I have uncovered is the fact that so few truly have what it takes to live this lifestyle. Trust is an important factor that must be earned. This takes time. It is also a fragile commodity which can be broken rather quickly. Just look at Tiger Woods and his relationship to understand how hard it is to maintain that balance. He torched that bridge with little prospect of rebuilding. The same is true in our way of life.

I find that trust is lost each time I am disobeyed. A true slave will do everything in her power to fulfill my requests. There are times when certain actions cannot be taken for various reasons. When this is legitimate, trust is maintained. However, when manipulation, laziness, defiance, or anything else of that nature enters, the trust level is send sinking.

Many seem to think that one having the desire to submit is all that is required and that a Dom/Master should be in nirvana that she chose him. To me, this is only the starting point. Every aspect of BDSM centers around a relationship of some type. M/s (D/s) are no exception. Many of the same relationship building traits exist. Trust is a long-term endeavor.

So, is a sub/slave worthy of your trust? This is the million dollar question. Will she obey and complete the directives given to her? Is she one who will spend the proper time in reflection and learning to ensure her growth over the long-term? Does this lifestyle appeal to her because she wants to shed responsibility onto someone else because she cannot handle life? And, is she one who really understands what submission is about and that this life has very little to do with sex? Those who buy into the online fallacies are apt to struggle. This will also create major trust issues in your relationship.

Anyone who is seeking a Dom/Master needs to look at his or her ability to earn trust. Believe me when I tell you that someone who is real is seeking a person he or she can have that faith in. Obviously, a submissive needs to be sure the potential Dom or Master is real. But after that, you will see that person is looking for signs that you are worthy. It is a two way street and in true BDSM, the power resides with the other person. Keep this in mind as you are out that interacting with others.

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The Reality of LIfe

Many engage in online for fun and fantasy fulfillment. Moving to real time can also be exciting and highly rewarding. However, it is crucial to remember that BDSM does not exempt us from life. We are part of the real world and that is something that is important to keep in mind.

Recently, I experienced some setbacks. These issues are nothing different than millions of households across the country are facing. However, I bring this up to emphasize that being a Master in the BDSM world does not exempt me from any of these "life issues". All the power I have as a Dom is useless in dealing with certain situations. I am just as powerless as anyone else.

The reality is that BDSM will not solve all of life's problems. I see so many who are catastrophic failures who run to this lifestyle because they believe they will be absolved of dealing with the different circumstances that arise. This is sad because it is just another way to try and shun responsibilities that were never met. Instead of blaming an ex, one can blame a sub or dom, master or slave. Either way, the issues are avoided.

Family, work, financial, relationship; these are all areas that problems arise in. None of us are exempt. It is disheartening to see the "polyanna" mindset that some carry with them into this way of life. We live in a lifestyle with the key word being "life".

Now, I will not burden you with the details of what happened. However, I write these words to forewarn people (especially newer ones) to the reality of life. Do not get caught up in the "honeymoon" of your new lifestyle. It only takes illness faced; one job lost; one family disagreement; one pushy bill collector to snap you back to reality. Many of us live in 24/7 relationships yet we still are living. BDSM is not a way to absolve oneself from the realities of life. If you believe it will, I hate to mention that you might be setting yourself up for failure.

Reality is a tough nut to face. The appeal for many online, in my opinion, is that it allows them to escape reality. When engaging in activities online, one is able to assume any persona he or she wishes. If one does not like how things are going, change is as easy as a new profile in another chatroom. There are no lasting ties to anything in the arena.

We all have problems. The idea is to confront, overcome, and move on. Rarely do things go exactly how we imagine them. Life often throws us a curve ball. However, we will never enjoy the true freedom this lifestyle offers if we simply put our heads in the sand and pretend things do not exist. That is not what emotionally stable and mature people do. Being in touch with reality is even more important in a lifestyle that has so many misleading images associated with it. It is easy to get caught up in the fantasy. Please do not do this.
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Taking Time

I am always amazed at how newer people believe they need to rush headfirst into this way of life. As I travel around the web, I see many who just learned of the existence of this lifestyle only to find they are "owned" or "owning" someone a short time later. This is insane to me.

For me, I find that analogies work very well to help clarify thinking. The easiest way I can do this is to contrast this way of life to the traditional model. In this instance, the comparison works well.

Let me ask you: how old is the average person before they get married? Is it 16, 18, 21, or older? At the same time, how long does one typically date before they enter into marriage? 1 month, 6 months, a year, or longer? I will admit I do not know the answers to these questions. However, I believe that the average age of marriage is closer to 25 and people are probably together for 1-2 years before marrying.

One other parallel that I want to draw. How long is someone in the traditional lifestyle before they end up in wedlock? Again, if we presume the average marrying age is roughly 25, and people enter puberty in their early teens, we can conclude that one has approximately 10 years experience with the dating scene before settling down.

How does this all come into play with BDSM? The point that I am making is that few people enter into their first relationship as a young teenager and end up in a lifelong committed relationship after a few weeks. Yet, this is exactly what seems to happen in the BDSM arena. People suddenly find out this way of life exists and they are intent on getting with someone pronto. Is it any wonder that a train wreck usually ensues?

My suggestion is that people take their time to educate themselves and to understand what this life is all about. For some there is a built in buffer since they have responsibilities to attend to from previous lifestyle choices. Others have the freedom to adopt whatever they want immediately. Regardless of the situation, everyone should take the necessary time to develop a thorough comprehension about how we live. Spending time as a "free agent" is a healthy practice.

Online can be a wonderful resource to learn the basic ideas about the lifestyle. Also, interacting with others who "live" this way of life is helpful to get their input on things. However, I must caution about putting too much stock into one person's opinion. The truth is that you cannot be sure that you are dealing with someone who really lives this way of life. There are a lot of pretenders running around on the web. Taking time to learn will enable you to sniff out those who are playing games.

Relationships are about developing bonds. Take your time to interact with people you find online. Seek to move those relationships forward by getting off the computer and into real time human interaction. This would be face-to-face contact if in the same area or, at a minimum, telephone interaction. After this is done, then you can see where the relationship starts to progress. If there is a connection, then forward progress will be made. But the need to rush headlong into something is ill-founded. Resist this temptation.

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The Downside To BDSM

I often mention that BDSM is a lifestyle. The key word here is life. Those who think that BDSM is a way to avoid this basic concept are in for a rude awakening.

One of the problems with online, in my opinion, is that it allows people to flee from reality. The Internet, by its very definition, is virtual. There are many things that mimic reality but it just is not the same. Nowhere is this more evident than in the BDSM lifestyle. Those who believe that online is real are way off base.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live. However, it is not without it's difficulties. People who live in this lifestyle have to deal with the same trials and tribulations as society in general. We have health, financial, work, family, and relationship issues. In many respects, we are identical to the traditional way of life.

Many seem to want to make BDSM into the fantasy lifestyle they are always seeking. This is nothing more than a Cinderella complex to me. Those who believe that they will live "happily ever after" by entering a BDSM relationship are usually disappointed.

Our days are not filled with the sexual exploits that are depicted online. While we will engage in scenes and alternative sexual practices, most of us find daily responsibilities take their toll. Those seeking to be "taken care of" usually are taken aback when they realize that they are going to have to continue as a responsible adult.

Running away is never a solution. Yet, I encounter so many who claim that this way of life is the answer to all their problems. Sadly, it is not because of the simple fact that they are the source of their problems. Entering the BDSM world will not compensate for poor judgment or interpersonal skills. Being a user and a taker sits no better in this way of life than it does in the traditional. And, belligerent assholes are still belligerent assholes. BDSM will not compensate for shortcomings of character.

The downside to a BDSM relationship is that it takes work. It is not the fairytale that many imagine. All the fantasies created online and in books are smashed when one enters into real time. Sadly, some never let go of the delusions in their mind. This develops another set of problems.

BDSM is not a fantasy. It is a full blown lifestyle with the same everyday problems that exist everywhere else. If you are one who had difficulty with everyone you met in your life, I am going to surmise that you will have the same problems here. BDSM is not going to suddenly give you a likable personality.

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Mistakes

It seems many have a misplaced idea about mistakes. Again, this seems to be something where common sense leaves the reservation when dealing with the M/s world.

In any activity, mistakes are the best learning tool. Often, the best
way to become adept at something is to try it and fail. It is through
the failing process that we gain some of the most valuable lessons. It
is a rarity where someone enters a new activity and is proficient at it
immediately. It takes some time to learn what is required. For example,
I am sure Tiger Woods hit a ball or two into the water. Einstein failed
in countless experiments. Lincoln lost numerous elections. Yet all
learned from previous experience to become successful.

A slave learns a great deal from the mistakes she makes. This is where
she gains valuable insight into how her Master would like her to behave. There are many ways to learn, but trial and error seems to be a part of humanity. It is how we best come to understand things. Therefore, mistakes are not something to be feared. They are a welcomed part of the growth process.

Many Masters seem to miss this vital point also. I hear of so many
slaves being punished for making a mistake. While I will grant that
repeated failure can be a sign of disobedience, a single error is not
necessarily cause for this action. I believe the most vital aspect of
any situation is that the slave learns the lesson contained therein. It
is more important to do that than for a Master to inflict punishment. A
mistake is not one acting bad. It is an opportunity to learn.

Again, for any of this to be relevant, a Master first needs to mindset
to lead His slave in the growth process. Unfortunately, many seem to
want to continually stifle the slave's abilities. It seems to be the
only way They feel that control can be maintained.

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Being Thin-Skinned

The world is full of critics. This is a fact of life. Any one who has ever written anything original knows there are people out there who are just waiting to tear it down. Again, this is a fact of life that has not changed throughout history.

That being said, it amazes me how thin-skinned people are online. As I make my way around the World Wide Web, I quickly see how people are offended by what others write. It is baffling how anyone can get upset over a bunch of characters on a screen. Nevertheless, this happens on a daily basis.

My view on this is that most lack the esteem to be in the limelight. The Internet has allowed anyone to express their ideas in writing. Blogger, Wordpress, and others make it easy for anyone to become a "journalist" for free. However, just because one is able to express ideas does not mean that person is suited to be a blogger.

The same concept hold for online forums. Many will take offense when someone disagrees with them. This is asinine. Yet people do it and get defensive about their ideas. In the end, you get the chatroom "catfights" that make most logical people want to vomit.

Self esteem is something that I have regardless of what others think about me. There are many who like what I write while some detest it. Regardless of the outlook people have, I do not alter my style to suit them. Whatever their viewpoint, my esteem is not tied to it. That allows me the luxury of not having to defend myself against what they are saying.

Can you imagine the criticism that Bill O'Reilly, Katie Couric, and any President goes through? Unless you are a public figure yourself, it is hard to imagine. Nevertheless, we get a taste of it each time someone takes exception to what we write. The desire to defend ourselves is natural. However, I believe it is also childish and immature.

I believe you can tell the maturity level of one online by how they post. Anyone who engages in the "catfight" behavior with someone in a chatroom or forum is acting like a kid. So what if someone disagrees with you. That is life. In this country, at least for now, it is people's right to disagree. It is insane to expect everyone to agree with you all of the time.

The final point I want to make about this is how people tend to personalize what is written. I had more than a few contact me in an upset fashion because I wrote a post about them. The ironic thing is that all of them were referring to the same post. Now, how is it possible that I was writing about 4 different people at the same time? It is not. The fact is that my writing style tends to be general in nature which offers a big opening for one to interpret the themes to be about them. General human tendencies will fit us all in some manner.

At the end of the day, it is best to be thick-skinned about what is written online. There are going to be a variety of opinions offered on any topic. Even those who tend to get personal are revealing more about themselves than you. This is an important consideration. I resist lashing out at my critics because they are not worth my effort. My belief is they are worthy of nothing if they have nothing better to do than to bash me. If they think they can do better, let them. This is the attitude I have.

Those who read this blog regularly know where I stand on most issues. I share my experience with others so they can avoid some of the pitfalls that befell me. Those who want to claim that I am not real can maintain that opinion. My efforts are not done to convince anyone of my worthiness. I have that already based upon my personal experience with the lifestyle. Anyone who has a contrary viewpoint is free to move along. I will continue living my life regardless of what they think.

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Saying "No"

So you want to be a slave? Is this what you consider yourself? Well, I got news for you: there is no quicker way to piss a Master off than to utter the word "No". Anyone who feels that he or she has the right to negate something that is told by the Master is completely off base. Many seem to think this is a halfway venture; it is not.

The fundamental basis of M/s is the complete and total breakdown of power. If you want to live as a slave, they you agree to give all power over to the Master. It is that simple. This is not negotiable. Anyone who believes that he or she retains the right to deny whatever his or her Master wants showing a lack of respect to not only that person, but also the lifestyle. This is not a half ass program that we run here.

As I travel throughout the Internet, I see many who like to disobey their Masters. They do this in an assortment of ways but the end result is the same. Many times the slave will simply say "no". Other times, the action that was instructed is left incomplete. The slave conveniently attends to other matters. Hell, I have even heard of instances where the slave left a M/s relationship because she decided it was over.

BDSM lives by the motto "safe, sane, consensual". This is the premise that allows us to interact in ways that best suits everyone. I can see the situation of a slave removing him or herself from a relationship if that person's physical safety is jeopardized (or that of the children). Nevertheless, short of one's safety, once the submission is made, the time for discussion is over. M/s requires obedience; in other words, do as you are told.

I know my words here seem harsh. They are meant to be. Many seem to think they are ideally suited to be a slave. It is the answer to all that ails them. Sadly, few are seriously cut out for this way of life. If you find that the hair on the back of your neck is standing up at these words, then you might want to reconsider you decision to live this aspect of the lifestyle. M/s is at the extreme end of the spectrum. This will evolve into areas that you never considered. Giving up control sexually is only the tip of the iceberg. To succeed in M/s, you must fully internalize what it means to have your life in the hands of another.

Those who grasp this concept understand how "no" is like poison. Nevertheless, some still wish to engage in that behavior. They feel they have the right to disobey their Masters. This strikes at the very foundation that M/s is built upon.

In the end, there needs to be trust. Many submissive types (online) like to mention how important it is that they are able to trust the one they will submit to. This is a sensible thing to do. However, few realize how crucial it is that they earn the trust of the one accepting that submission. I can tell you from experience, each time a slave disobeys, in whatever form that takes, my level of trust in her drops significantly. Masters have expectations upon slaves and when they are not met, trouble arises.

Therefore, a slave is confronted with a choice: obey or say "no". While there are times when a Master is certainly wrong, confronting him (her) or behaving in an antagonizing way will not help the situation. I can speak from experience when I tell you that I quickly lose respect for a slave when she behaves in this way. At the end of the day, a slave needs to know his or her place.

Again, my intention here is to illustrate the extreme nature of this aspect of the lifestyle. A good slave will remove "no" from his or her vocabulary. Those who understand this often find success in this lifestyle. Sadly, most are not willing to do this. That is why I concluded a long time ago that most are really subs as opposed to slaves. The extreme nature is intolerable to most. Their words and actions repeatedly prove this point.

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In Touch With Our True Selves

Get in tough with your true self: this is the highest order I believe all of us have. It is sad to see the masses walking through life following the edicts presented to them by someone else. They are misled into thinking that the path they are on is the one to happiness. Certainly, for some it is. However, there are many out there who are simply miserable. You can see it in their eyes.

BDSM is an opportunity for people to shed the shackles that society implements while enjoying the freedom that comes with making a real life decision. That being said, BDSM is not something where "one size fits all". There are many different facets which can fulfill equally. The only challenge is to determine where you fit on the spectrum.

This is where some introspective enters the picture. It is vital that one take the necessary time to determine exactly what he or she likes. This is true whether one is presently involved with someone else or single. At the end of the day, we all are responsible for the situations we are in. The requires a bit of maturity but is worth the effort.

Deciding whether you are submissive or not (or dominant) is only the first part of the process. How extreme are you in this area? Are you one where it is cut and dry with regards to being completely submissive or dominant? Or do you have a bit of each in you? Perhaps you are more of a switch as opposed to a sub/slave? Whatever the inner desires and feelings that you have, they need to be acknowledged. Failing to do so could lead to much unhappiness and sorrow.

It is possible to feel out of place in the BDSM world. Many enter believing that simply reading a few articles prepares him or her for the different facets of this way of life. This is not the case. Even after one decides to enter into this particular lifestyle, there still remains a great deal of soul searching to determine exactly where he or she fits. Sadly, most skip this crucial step.

There is a lot of trial and error involved in a successful BDSM lifestyle. Some can grow into certain ideas and overcome obstacles that exist in the mind. Other times there are true limits which cannot be overcome. Regardless of the path, it is important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to do things; one way of living is not better than another. The only criteria is does it work for the individual(s) involved?

Happiness is what we all seek. It is up to you to decide which aspects of the lifestyle work for you.

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The Mindset of a Submissive

The mindset that each party has in an M/s relationship is one of the most crucial factors for success. However, I see little discussed online about this critical idea. It seems that many focus on the actions as opposed the mindset one has. This often leads to confusion and frustration.

What is the proper mindset of a slave? This is a question that is almost impossible to answer completely since there are individual factors which always come into play. Since relationships are personal to those involved, it is difficult to offer a list of what is required for success. Ultimately, that is up to the two parties (or more if the situation is poly).

Nevertheless, I can offer some of my beliefs in this area. To start, a slave needs to have the idea of service drilled into his or her being. A slave's place is to serve the Master/Mistress. That is one of the most basic tenets of the M/s world. Service is the idea of making one's life easier. It is a slave's position to handle whatever responsibilities that is thrown his or her way.

Another mindset quality that I feel is necessary is complete obedience. I use the word complete because many seem to feel this is a negotiable issue. Many (if not most) will attempt to engage in manipulation in an effort to "get their way". This is not obedience. Obedience is doing what you are told without question. This is another fundamental difference between BDSM and the traditional world. The total exchange of power means that all decision-making is with the one in charge. Disputing those choices is not a slave's place.

Acceptance is another trait that needs to be developed. There are going to be many times when a Master/Mistress's decisions go contrary to what one desires. This is the way it is. A slave needs to accept that decision while obediently following it. I see too many who take the action yet have offer an attitude that would kill a bear. Everyone within a thousand yards knows exactly how he or she feels. This is intolerable and potentially embarrassing to a Master/Mistress.

Patience is something else that I believe every slave needs. There are many times when a Master/Mistress is off on other affairs. Whether it is work or play, dominant types often can have many areas of responsibility. This is something that a slave needs to accept. The timing of things is another area which is determined by the one in charge. The role of a slave is often to wait until the Master/Mistress is ready for him or her.

Another factor I feel is crucial is emotional independence. I see many who come to BDSM without the emotional maturity to handle reality. This is one of the major areas where real time differs from online. Those who believe online is reality tend to be unprepared for what transpires when they make the transition. Putting one's faith in fantasy is a form of psychosis that tends to receive professional help. For example, we institutionalize those who believe in purple elephants. Sadly, they are as real as many online people. A slave needs to have the inner strength to handle the different emotions that one goes through when living in M/s.

Part two will offer up some other ideas for the successful mindset of a slave.

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Creativity

Have you ever noticed all the neat stuff that is offered on different BDSM websites. You literally could spend a small fortune filling your BDSM toolkit with different floggers, paddles, cuffs, and other accessories to increase you BDSM experience. This situation really gets expensive when you look into furnishing your house with an assortment of BDSM furniture. The total bill for all this can run into the tens of thousands of dollars.

How do you get around this situation if you are on a budget? My suggestion is to get creative. While the professionally made products look good and fulfill their intended purposes, I found that many things can be replicated with a little creativity.

To start, I operate from the premise that BDSM furniture and accessories are meant to be functional as opposed to looking good. The best scene in movies are those which look rough and like an actual dungeon. This is the end I always strive for when I am creating a play area. Therefore, unless you are planning on making a distributed production, do not fret over achieving a professional quality.

When entering into BDSM, the desire is to go spend a bundle of money acquiring all kinds of interesting toys. Resist this temptation. It is a mistake that is commonly made and will only end up wasting valuable resources. This is a situation where it is best to proceed slowly. Take your time to learn what you like before embarking on a spending spree.

I repeatedly write that there are many facets to the BDSM lifestyle. It is up to you to decide what is attractive to you (and your partner) and what you enjoy. What turns one on might turn another off. Keep this in mind when you are experimenting.

Applying creativity to your BDSM life is a recommended path. When you see something online, ask yourself "what does this device do". Look at the function of the accessory (or furniture) and then consider ways you can replicate it. For example, there are expensive paddles, riding bats, and crops available. However, when it comes to a good spanking, nothing can top a common household spatula. The cost: $0 since most kitchens have at least one already.

This process can be repeated with most objects. Naturally, the allure of the professionally made products is the quality and extra functionality they provide. I feel that once you determine what aspects of play you like, then it is worth the money to buy the proper toys. In the meantime, use your imagination to determine your level of kink before making a larger investment. This will eliminate the possibility of having a closet full of unused toys.

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