In Between: Online and Real Time

The difference between online and real time is an age old discussion among the BDSM community since the invention of the Internet. Ever since the words 'virtual reality' were utters a couple decades back, people are trying to make the online experience ever more 'reality reflective'. Sadly, this is an impossible task thus the term virtual. Online can replicate reality but it cannot replace it.

Real Time

Life is lived in real time. It is that simple. People's experiences reside in the here and now. No matter how much people try to implement online as a substitute for reality, the fact stands that we are 'face-to-face' people. This is something that is naturally within us.

Humans beings are designed to utilize the five senses. For those who were absent that day, these senses are sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Our daily lives are filled with instances where these senses are put to use. And, the stronger the stimulant of the sense, the more memorable it is. A thought that sticks with me whenever I think of smell is the rancid smell of orange rinds when I go to my daughters. There is a Tropicana plant that casts an aroma for 500 yards. It is memorable to say the least.

The problem with online is that we are unable to have many of these senses provoked. In fact, taste, smell, and touch are not present in online communications. The two senses utilized are hearing and sight with the former being missing in many interactions. Therefore, no matter how much the pro-online people claim that their relationships properly reflect reality, the biological makeup of an individual proves otherwise.

The Role of Online

That does not mean that online fails to have its' place. As I wrote on countless occasions, the Internet is a wonderful tool for garnering information and interacting with people from around the world. It is a simple truth that we now have access to people we otherwise never could have found before. Today, with the click of a mouse, you can 'converse' with a total stranger on the other side of the world. This opened the BDSM community to a much larger arena. I feel this is one of the benefits of the Internet on this lifestyle.

Of course, we all know this came with a cost. The anonymity of this mechanism allows people to present themselves in a fraudulent manner. We see all kinds of scams, cons, and games played. Individuals find themselves having their lives wrecked because of the actions of these unethical morons. The sad truth is their desperation and gullibility led them to make decisions which were harmful. Warnings of what exists online are aboud yet people still fail to pay heed. Nevertheless, online interaction does have a role in the BDSM community.

In Between

Many seem to feel there are only the two extremes of either online or real time. This is something that divides the community when, in fact, many do not consider the process. When people look at things under this light, they realize that it is not an all or none. Also, one can see how one needs to move from online very quickly.

The truth is that meeting someone online creates basic logistical problems. While it is possible to meet another who is local, we find that many are from distant lands. It is common for someone to be on the other side of the country or, even, the world. How does one deal with this?

Again, I simply point to the process. The goal is to get from online to real time as quickly as possible. Logistically speaking, this might take some time. So, what other option is there? My answer is something that the traditional world, especially military personnel knew about for generations. It is called the 'long distant relationship'.

Since few can up and move in 3.2 minutes, it is best to move from an online relationship to a long distance. This means implementing traditional communications methods immediately. The Internet is one medium to use. There is also the basic telephone, letters (hand written), and in person visits. When one applies these methods to a relationship, I do not feel he or she is involved online. This situation is no consider long distance.

Compatibility

The problem with moving instantly from online to real time is that one truly does not know if he or she is compatible with the other person. Naturally, we can say this about all relationships but this is magnified when one is only dealing online. Since the 5 senses are not used, one cannot fully 'experience the other person. This only can be done in person. For example, some people have horrific body odor. You will not get a whiff (pun intended) of this online. Meet the individual face-to-face and you will instantly. It might be a deal breaker.

Relationships take time to develop. My experience is that it is foolhardy and senseless to go from online to real time too quickly especially if relocation is involved. Therefore, utilize the idea of a long distant relationship as a intermediate step. Apply the traditional forms of communication. Meet the person a time or two to see how he or she resides with your other senses. If you do this, you will find that your relationship is on stronger footing if you do decide to move forward.

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Public BDSM

This is one of those posts that is going to upset many. But, in keeping with my m.o. in this area, I am going to write it anyway. There is a lot that needs clarification for those who are newer to this lifestyle. In the end, they are the ones who really matter. Those who waltzed around this life whether online or in real time have their own ideas.

The Public BDSM Life

What do I mean by the "public BDSM life"? I use this term to refer to any of the scene or cyber BDSM that is so easy to come across. People are willing to "expose" themselves in these arenas. While there is a certain value to it, much of this behavior is based around fantasy.

Have you ever wondered why so many come to this life with the mindset that their submission (or domination) only pertains to sex? The answer to this is because this is how this life is promoted. The public BDSM community is one based around sex. When one cyber-dominates, it usually involves a cam and sexual pleasure. Many are told to get naked and play with yourself; few are ordered to go clean the toilet. The cyber atmosphere is all sex.

The same is true for the BDSM scene. Go to any club and you will find people in bondage being flogged or whipped. There is a sexual orientation to that activity even if actual sex is not part of the scene. Again, this is what is promoted. It is not a forum where one is told to get the shopping done after she takes care of the yard. This is another public venue where sexual energy rules the day.

True Lifestyle People

I use the term "lifestyle people" solely to draw a distinction. The truth is this is not a lifestyle but, rather, our life. We are people who choose to live a certain way. Nevertheless, we are engaged in life the same as everyone else. That is why we have all the same challenges are the rest of the modern world. This is where reality and fantasy split.

Many of us who experience real time, in-person domination understand what it feels like to be on the respective ends of the power exchange. This is experience that can be really beneficial to a newer person. However, few are willing to engage in the sharing of this knowledge because of the misconceptions offered by the public BDSM people.

We all have encountered the one who has no real time experience yet is convinced that he or she knows all the answers. Many arguments have arisen over the online versus real time concepts. Without delving too deep into that discussion (since that is not the point of this post), I will state that there is no replacement for real time experience. We all know that the fantasy element cease to exist when two people live under the same roof. Surviving the daily grind of life while maintaining a relationship is the real deal. BDSM based or not, relationships are trying no matter how well people interact.

As one who has gone 12 rounds with the meatheads in the online chatroooms, I can attest to how the desire to put forth the truth can leave. Many of the people who have real time domination or submission experience are reluctant to enter these arenas for this simple reason. There are so many who exist only in the fantasy and ego-driven based online community. Those who have the real time experience to assist one in navigating through the true minefields of a D/s relationship are too busy running the other way. Simply, they have no desire to interact with the online mindset.

The Truth

In A Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson's character shouted "You can't handle the truth". While he wasnt referring to many of those who are engaged in online BDSM, the statement is just as applicable. The truth is that BDSM, while a wonderful way to live, is not the glamorous, sex-filled life that the public persona leads one to believe. Basically, 24/7 does not mean round the clock sex. Yet, this is something that many do not want to hear.

The truth is that we live in a relationship just like everyone else. Many of the same interpersonal skills that are required for success in all areas of life are needed here. It is amazing to see people who were total failures in every type of relationship entering this life believing that suddenly things will be different. The bottom line is that if you are socially inept, you chance of success here is as limited as in the traditional world. This is the first thing that people do not want to hear.

Another sad fact is that real time is no where near as exciting as online. The fantasy world is limitless in its potential. We can create whatever reality we desire. Life can be perfect with Master being the most wonderful man in the world. A slave is ever obedient online never even considering letting her Master down. Of course, reality is another story.

Real time offers a much different set of orders. Instead of being told to strip naked and play with yourself, one is ordered to make my dinner and clean the kitchen. Over time, a slave progresses not to where she learns more ways to sexually satisfy her Master but, rather, to have dinner ready before he asks. She anticipates his needs and is there to fulfill them. Much of her day is spent cooking, cleaning, running errands, and working. This is not exactly the life of glamor and excitement. Nevertheless, the online community wants to hear nothing of this sort.

Head In The Sand

In the end, many want to stick their head in the sand. They do not want to hear the truth. I had this discussion with one who I know with many years experience in this life. She flatly stated that offering her viewpoints online was a waste of time since newer people did not care to hear the truth. Instead, they were more interest in seeking the fantasy as opposed to learning from one who lived for years in real time relationships. Sadly, there is a nugget of truth in what she says. Most would prefer to believe the sexiness of this life.

This brings me back to the original point. The experience lives this in private. There are few who share the truth since there are so many who prefer to promote the fantasy. Perhaps the masses will want to pull their heads out of the sand at some point. But, until that time comes, I fear the message that will be delivered will be more of the same. Fantasy, while not as rewarding, is a lot sexier than reality.

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The Letdown

This post might piss many people off. I am certain the comments will be filled with some people taking exception to what I say. And, I know that my inbox will receive equal treatment. But, for those who honestly want to learn something, here is an observation that I made on numerous occasions.

Reality Versus Fantasy

The online world is not reality. It is that plain and simple. One might attempt to make the case that online mimics reality (and perhaps even with varying degree of success). Nevertheless, the online world is called "virtual" for a reason. A life lived deep in the online world is not grounded in reality.

That being said, I also make the claim that the online community, especially adult or sex-based, engages in a great deal of fantasy. Now bear in mind I am not stating that there is anything wrong with this or what people do with their free time. The point I am making is that there is a "dreamy" component to the online interaction. It allows for a "relationship" to exist between two people which stresses all the positives while negating all the negative.

For example, in online sex play, have you ever heard of a guy suffering from erectile dysfunction? Of course not. Whenever an online scene is played out, he is as hard as a 14 year old in math class looking that the teacher 38DD tits (ah Miss Tucchi, where are you?). Nor do you hear of a guy pulling back as he goes down on her because her pussy smells like it needs to be douched with a garden hose. The only thing that is mentioned is how wonderful the sex will be.

We see this reflected in the online domination and submission. Online, she is an obedient sub. And he is all powerful. He barks out wonderful orders of things for her to do which, of course, she obediently follows. Never is there any questioning of authority. "My Master is the most wonderful in the world and we will be together forever". These are statements we seen thrown around the net.

The Letdown

Here is the real kicker: people who take exception to what I write, if they ever move into real time, experience a huge letdown. Suddenly, he does suffer from ED. Or her pussy does stink. Or he farts while you are blowing him. Or a multitude of other life experiences that we all have which are shielded online.

A dominant operates best when he or she has nothing to worry about. Online, this happens quite often. In fact, many turn to the Internet to get away from the daily problems which affect us all. However, move the relationship into real time interaction and suddenly that sweet, forceful Dom who was always on his game shows some cracks in the armor. Perhaps his confidence is a bit down for the first few weeks after he gets laid off. This affects the interaction with a sub/slave. The same effect is felt when he is dealing with a family situation. Illness and death is part of the course. Few will want to "paddle your ass" while mourning the loss of a loved one. Again, the playful Master disappeared.

These are just a few examples of why I believe there is a huge letdown for many when they move their relationships from online into real time. The fact that both parties were interacting on a "fantasy" basis means that they ignored many of the reality based problems that humans have. All relationships would succeed if we were able to choose the good points while eliminating the negative points. Sadly, this is not a choice we have. Life is still life regardless of how one's chooses to structure a relationship. Having a realistic outlook is the only way to avoid the inevitable letdown that so many experience. Remember this as you move into the real time world.

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Warning Signs

Many make mention of how there seems only to be fakes and pretenders within the lifestyle. Travel through any lifestyle related dating website and you will see numerous profiles complaining about all the games being played. Obviously, there is a valid reason since I hypothesize that most of the people online a not what they claim to be. Anyone who has done any online interaction knows what it is like encounter these type of people. The wake of misery and hurt is well publicized.

However, I found that much of the same thing exists in real time interaction. Many of these same people also attend their local munches. I will state that these type of people aren't outright fakes. Instead, I believe they fall into the category of being misinformed. Their statements are genuinely what they believe yet they truly do not reflect reality.

Selfishness

This is a quality I see in many "slaves" and one that is a warning sign for any potential suitor. Never have I seen a successful slave who was selfish and thought only about her. Yet, I encounter so many who state they are submissive while thinking only about themselves. To me, this breeds conflict.

I wrote the other day about one who was behaving in this manner while "under consideration" by another. When one insists on meeting friends, changing plans, and forces the One to make all the contact, there is an immediate problem. This is the time when one really wants to put her best foot forward. Failing to contact the one who is considering you shows a complete lack of interest. Therefore, whatever you stated to him/her to garner attention is untrue. You are not seeking to live in this manner. A person in this mindset is still determined to retain control. Selfishness is not conducive to being a good slave.

Lack of Decisiveness

On the flip side, a "dominant" who lacks the ability to make a decision is also raising a red flag. There are many who like to term themselves "Master". However, few have the actual ability to live in this manner. The online crowd believes that domination simply means that another will do whatever he or she wants sexually. This person envisions having all his/her sexual fantasies fulfilled. Sadly for that person, there is a great deal more than that to being a Master.

Another red flag is raised when you look at a person's life. For example, if one claims to be dominant and wanting to control another, is his or her life a total mess? Many who talk the talk fall short when one seeks out proof. How can one expect to run another's life when he cannot run his own? Looking at the circumstances surrounding a person offers great insight into how he or she is.

Listen to Them

Warning signs are there for a reason. They are meant to be followed. Ignoring what is being presented will inevitably lead to hurt and pain. If something seems out of sorts, there is a terrific chance that it is. The old saying, "where there is smoke there is fire". Old sayings are around because they inevitably are true. Warning signs are the smoke.

Lack of congruence is something that everyone needs to watch for. Many will state they want ___________. The proof is in their actions. Does what they do match up to their statement of wanting ___________? In the mentioned example, when a person says that she wants to live as a slave, but then engages in behavior that is completely focused upon herself, is that congruent? Most would not think so. The fact is this person missed something fairly basic about this aspect of the lifestyle. Stating that one wants to serve is not the same as doing it. Actions will always speak louder.

Ultimately, these tidbits will save you a lot of time. Being able to flush out those who are not suited for what you are seeking is an invaluable tool to have. Time and lack of misery are priceless. Be mindful of the warning signs that appear.

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The Online BDSM Scam

This is not going to be an attack on the entire BDSM world. However, there is a segment, a large one in my opinion, that does not have proper intentions when interacting with others online. The sad thing is that people are so gullible when it comes to this way of life as to fall for what is being said. I am going to relate to you the story of a girl who I had a chat with. Now, before anyone judge her, I can assure you, this story is very common. It is happening everyday. I am writing this as a warning to all who seek this way of life.

New To BDSM

As you can imagine, the person I am referring to is new to the BDSM world. She is one of those people who is convinced she is a slave. In chatting with her, she revealed that she had an online Master. This information was revealed to me during our second conversation. During the first one, she mentioned that she is married with children to a man who is vanilla. He is not interested in living in a domination/submission relationship whatsoever. Therefore, she is caught between living in a vanilla relationship and wanting a BDSM one.

Before going any further, I will mention that many are caught in a similar situation. Society promotes the vanilla way of life and most of us follow this path. This results in getting involved in marriages and having children before we determine what we want. We think that we are follow the way to happiness based upon what we are taught. Thus, when we encounter the BDSM world, we are stuck in a position of having to deal with the results of our prior choices. Oftentimes, one commits to this way of life but needs to go through a period of dealing with the prior decisions before moving forward. This is something that can take years.

Getting back to my conversation with this woman, she also revealed that her husband caught her a number of times on cam with her online Master. This led me to ask how long she was involved with this one online. Not surprisingly, she said they were interacting for a few weeks. Well, how is that for a strong emotional bond.

Where is the common sense?

I often wonder how people can fall for such bullshit. During the course of our conversation, she mentioned that he (the Master) told her that he is willing to move closer to her. Of course he is. She is falling for this hook, line, and sinker.

Where is the common sense? Obviously, this person's marriage is experiencing difficulties before she embarked on her online journey. However, to further risk her marriage over something that most likely is not real is insane. What happened to the common sense this person was born with? Sadly, it seems that common sense flies out the window the second one enters into this lifestyle.

Questioning

Like I am sure most of you have already concluded, I was starting to get suspect about this particular Master. Therefore, I asked her about his experience in the lifestyle. For example, how long has he been it in? How many BDSM relationships has he been in? Does he own other slaves? Is he looking for a live in slave or will he maintain separate resident? Guess how many of these she knew the answer to? You guessed it. Zero. Her response was that he doesnt like questioning him.

Let me make one thing clear: if you are going to make a life decision that affects you and your children, you have the right to ask whatever you want. If you have difficulty remembering this sentence, write it down and memorize it. I do not care what position one says that he or she is, you have a right to know what you are getting yourself into. Anyone who fails to do this is foolhardy and stupid. Naivity is no excuse. Even if thinking is not your specialty, muster at least minimal sense for the sake of your children.

Here is another observation based upon my experience: I never met a true Master who was opposed to the questioning that I mention here. The only ones who object are those who are total fakes. Anyone who is around this lifestyle for any length of time knows how crucial safety is. Whenever dealing with someone new, precaution needs to be taken to ensure that he or she knows exactly what is expected. We also are aware that questioning is how people learn. Those who are fearful of being questioned are those who have something to hide.

The Scam

The sad truth is this scenario is played out everyday online. People are falling for this scam everyday. Those of us who are around a little while can see these people a mile away. They are often the ones on a BDSM site posting pics of their cocks. This shows that they have little idea what BDSM is truly about. They believe it is sexual and that the size of their dick makes a difference. Being a Master has nothing to do with the length of your peepee.

I am all for trying to protect newer people from the vultures that exist online. However, at what point does the responsibility fall to them. If someone is going to act so foolishly as to fall for something like this, then isnt the results deserved. How bad do we feel for the guy who gets conned into buying the Brooklyn Bridge (or Big Bed for the UK readers)? Some cannot be helped no matter what measures are instilled.

Why does this scam work? My belief is because so many want to claim that online is real. My opinion is that it is not. The Internet is called "virtual" for a reason. It mimics life but is not a replacement for it. Those who live online tend to believe they have real relationships when, in fact, they know little about these people. The anonymity of the web allows anyone to create whatever persona he or she desires.

The Choice

People who find themselves in the situation as this woman have a choice to make. This decisions needs to be arrived at before any interaction within the lifestyle can take place. The choice is between the present situation and the lifestyle. It is not a choice between a husband/wife and a Master/Mistress. Rather, it is the election of living one's life a certain way. This often is a difficult decision.

I mentioned in my book, An Owned Life, that people need to go through the 3 Step Submission Process. It is the only way I found for people to have successful BDSM relationships. Failure to follow the proper order results in a train wreck. The first step is for one to become committed to this way of life. This is done before any Master or Mistress is obtained. Trying to reverse this means that your decision is dependent upon the other person. This can never work out well since people are apt to let us down. They are fallable. And, since most find that reality rarely mimics online, they are disappointed when their polyanna relationship turns bad. In the end, many leave the lifestyle because of a bad experience with another person. The lifestyle never had a chance.

Therefore, you need to choose first whether this is the life that you want to live. Like everything else in life, each direction requires some sacrifices. Opting to move into this lifestyle risks alienating those closest to us. Many do not understand how we live and why we want to do this. At the same time, selecting to remain in the vanilla world means that one might miss a lifestyle that is the answer for him or her. However, only that person can choose.

Be Mindful

Be aware of who you are interacting with when you are chatting with people online. The truth is that you do not know who you are dealing with. Unless people are willing to reveal personal details about themselves, then you are flying blind. And, this can be a very dangerous thing. We all read the stories about those who meet death by trusting the wrong online predator. Most of the scammers are harmless but some are outright dangerous. Being mindful of your welfare is of utmost importance.

Remember, the same rules of human interaction that exist in the real world apply online. If something seems out of sorts with an individual, it usually is. At the core of every BDSM relationship is a relationship. The same rules apply as they always have. Human interaction hasnt changed in thousands of years. Common sense is still your best weapon against the scammers. Use it.

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The Online Charade

This is a post that some people will disagree with. However, I spent a lot of time on different sites over the last few years. This, coupled with my decade of experience in this BDSM lifestyle, gives me insight that most lack. Sharing this combined experience so as to give people an idea about what is going on is what my goal is. Please consider this before you decide these ideas foolhardy.

People who are online have every motivation under the sun. There are people who are seeking to just pass the time. Others are trying to learn about a particular topic or subject. Some want to get their rocks off while others looking for something meaningful. These various motives need to be considered when you are chatting with someone.

The Internet

The advent of the Internet changed the complexion of the BDSM lifestyle forever. Today, we are still an alternative lifestyle that is still not accepted by the mainstream. However, I believe that we have left the days where we were "underground". My feeling is the World Wide Web is responsible for this transformation. Individuals now have a place to turn to find out about what we are into. This is remarkably easier than the olden days when personally knowing someone was about the only way to gain insight.

Before going any further, I will categorically state my beliefs with this new medium. The Internet offers two advantages that anyone can put into practice to gain immediate benefit. First, like was just mentioned, the educational opportunities are limitless. Knowledge is much easier to come by since we have posted so much online. A new person can spend a few weeks reading blogs like this and gain an enormous amount of intelligence pertaining to this way of life. This is something that accelerated only because of the 'Net.

The second advantage is that the Internet allows you to find and interact with people who you normally would not be able to access. In the olden days, the odds of gaining insight from someone from the UK if you were in America was slim. In fact, unless one was in your local BDSM community, the odds were you never would encounter him or her. Interaction was relegated to only a few traditional channels. Again, the Web changed all that.

The Downside

As great as this advancement was for our community, it also offered up some downfalls that we see today. This downside, in my opinion, results in the infliction of pain on many who are unsuspecting. Warning people of these dangers is a top priority for me. Those who take exception to what I write can go spin on a bottle. The truth is people are being seriously hurt in many different ways.

To start, the Internet is a communication tool. It is a medium that allows you to connect with another person. However, it is not real. Those who believe what they experience is true needs to take a look at that. Too often, I see the results of people falling for the fairy tale that is presented.

As I mentioned, there are many different motivations for being online. To presume that someone is in a chat room or forum for the same reason as you is insane. They are not. The vast percentage of people are seeking something different than the one who is seriously looking to find a valid person. My estimates have that as high as 95%.

While many feel that having fun and interacting online is a great way to pass the time, I see those who take it too far. Getting emotionally attached to someone whom you do not have any other contact with is setting yourself up for a downfall. The Internet offers everyone anonymity. Many use this to pass themselves off as something they are not because of the fact that nobody can see them. Simply read a few blog posts and you have enough to pass yourself off as an expert. This is where those who believe what they have is real are in jeopardy of tremendous hurt.

The Charade

When it comes to BDSM, I can tell you that most of what is online is a complete charade. There are many who are proclaiming to be something they are not. That is the bottom line. While not discounting the medium, I will state that I do not believe that anyone who has an online relationship has anything more than a potential relationship. I will not say the person that is being interacted with is not real. However, I will say that further proof is needed.

I was reminded when chatting with someone who was relating to me her experiences with online Doms. She said that they were so ridiculous in what they were doing. This I can believe. She mentioned that one wanted her to not interact with any other Doms and be celibate to him. This might make sense in a real time relationship. Yet, this person was in a different country altogether. Fortunately, she was astute enough to realize the facade of this person.

This brings up another point. What is this sub agreed to his demands. Suppose she said that she would not be with anyone else. How is he to know? The answer is he can not. It reminds me of a post I read where one explained of a person she knew who took the collar of 13 Masters online. Obviously, this person is a fake but I can guarantee that at least 10 of those guys thought what they had was real. The proof is in the numbers.

Just because I proclaim myself an astronaut does not make it so. The same is true for BDSM. I suggest you look for the charade that people are playing. Even if they are earnest in their statements, the odds are that the experience and abilities lack. I came across so many who said they were slaves only to conclude they were not. I believe these people were truthful with their beliefs. However, they lacked the real world application to know that it wasnt true. It takes a great deal more than a belief to live as a 24/7 slave.

The Next Step

If you are dealing with someone who is true and real, congratulations. However, I would suggest that you rapidly more the relationship to the traditional level of interaction. Before doing that, I feel you are at the potential level. There might be something to build upon between the two of you. However, moving it offline is needed. Without that, you are just living an online fantasy.

How is this accomplished? Simple. Start to use the other forms of communication. That is your next step. I will caution to do this only after you are certain that it is safe to reveal some of your personal information. My tendency is to start phone interaction as soon as it is appropriate. Without talking to someone in real time, there is little to decipher. Lots will get lost in the online communication. Talking with someone allows you to uncover different things. If you feel hesitant to give out your phone number, then use the voice mechanism on something like Yahoo Messenger. This allows for real time interaction while protecting your identity.

After that, I would say most are capable of nurturing the relationship along. When you feel it right, perhaps arrange an in person meeting. This is naturally easier if you are in the same area. However, many travel to other towns, states, or countries for a weekend (week) visit. This will allow for the real time interaction to grow. It is at these points that you honestly know you are dealing with someone real. Then, the charade is over. Either one is what he or she proclaims, or is not. You will know definitively at this point. However, that will never happen as long as you remain engaged in the online game.

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The Bridge

There is great dispute about the validity of online relationships and interaction in the BDSM community. I am not going into that debate here (my regular readers know what my thoughts are there).

Regardless of your outlook, there is no denying that many real time BDSM relationships start as online. In fact, I would surmise that most fall into this category. Even those people who live in the same town use the Internet to search people out. There are many who live in my local community with whom I have chatted with but never met. It is ironic that we use the World Wide Web to meet someone 10 minutes down the road.

Online interaction has an extreme value. It allows for parties to learn about each other while exchanging ideas. Many take on the particular roles of the relationship mimicking real time. Familiarity grows as both people start to understand each other.

Sadly, this is as far as many interactions go. Now, to be clear, I am going to be talking about those circumstances where both parties are real and truly interested in BDSM. I am going to ignore those who are online playing games since there is not a lot to say about those people other than to avoid them.

My feeling is that it is necessary to bridge the relationship from online into real time. Few have the ability to move immediately from one culture to the other. Often, logistics play a role in the delayed transition. Some of these ideas might help to smooth the way.

A lot of this is going to seem like common sense but, as we know, often that goes out the window in BDSM. Here are a few ideas that will help you to transition into real time.

1. Move to personalize the online relationship:

Interaction online is nothing but characters and words. As a starting point this is fine. However, use the technology available to move towards a more "real" communication. This can start with the exchanging of pictures (again presuming it is really you and not a super model you clipped) sent via email or photo sharing.

Web cams is another way to communicate and not just for sexual play. Being able to see someone when chatting with them adds another level of intimacy. It allows you to learn about the person with your eyes. For example, I was chatting with someone one time while she was on cam and her cat walked behind her. Instantly, I knew her choice in pets.

Exchange websites and pictures of things that interest you. BDSM is a relationship so you better have more in common than just sex. Stumble, Reddit, and Digg allow you to share sites of things that interest you. Do this to seek commonality with your goals and life plans.

2. Do not forget Ma Bell.

The next step is to utilize traditional technologies to enhance your interaction. Here we can exchange phone numbers and use the plain old telephone system. Nothing shifts something from the virtual to the real like a phone call. This is a way we have communicated since we were children. Hearing someone's voices adds another layer to the revelation of the other person (and yourself).

As a side note, exchanging a phone number could be a risky proposition especially if you are female. Therefore, perhaps you consider utilizing Skype or Yahoo Instant Messenger talk features. This is a real time phone conversation with the safety of the Internet provided.

3. Get face-to-face.

This is the final leg of the endeavor. At some point, you need to meet in person. Relationships that lack this component do not fulfill the needs of both parties. Many of us have those friends from school who we still talk to but never see since they live across the country. There still is a relationship but it is rather empty.

A face-to-face meeting can be a "date" if you are local with each other or a short visit if from out of town. It is best to spend a few days with each other to get to know one another a little better. Obviously, logistics can come into play again but it is a way to take the relationship one step closer to real time.

These ideas should help you move forward in the BDSM world. Of course, following this process will uncover some of the fakes that exist online. Take note whenever you see hesitation from one when seeking to move to the next level. This could well be a warning sign that something is amiss.

Another word of caution. Be patient with this process. Resist the temptation to move headlong into this especially if you are the one who will be in a vulnerable position. Each of these steps needs to be taken after a reasonable period of time is established. Again, it is crucial to have some idea who you are dealing with. Each phase will reveal more to and about you. However, be certain to not advance too rapidly where you might put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Try some of these suggestions to move your relationship past "virtual". Online can be a lot of fun but at some point it needs to move out of the chatroom.

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Those Who Scream The Loudest

Does anyone remember Joe Isuzu. He was a character in the Isuzu commercials a number of years back. He use to make all kinds of outrageous claims followed by "Trust Me". Of course, this was said with a smile that resembles the one on the cat after eating the canary.

I bring this trip down memory lane up to emphasize how words mean little. Joe Isuzu was know for asking people to trust him. Naturally, most saw right through him. It is like buying a used car from a guy named "Honest Ed". The odds are great that he is less than honest.

Those who need to proclaim to be something usually are not. This is the way it is. True people do not need the self promotion to convince others of how they are. This is reflected in what they do and how they carry themselves. If I have to tell you how successful I am, the odds are that I am not.

I see many online who have to "scream" to get their point across. They take the approach "I am right, you are wrong". Yet, when one takes a look at who they are, we quickly learn they are nothing more than online trouble makers. The truth is they have no basis in reality. Online "Masters" or "slaves" are living in a world of fantasy. They know nothing when it comes to living in a real live BDSM relationship.

The online community has many ways to distinguish one's "place". The use of capital versus lower cased letters in the names is a prime example. I guess this is okay. But, what really get me, is the Y/you type writing. Who talks like that in real life other than someone who stutters. Perhaps those are the people they are trying to get across to. Nevertheless, the ones who use this writing are the ones who believe they have a clue as to what real time entails. They do not.

I have met many people who spent decades living this way of life. They are not into all this horse and nanny stuff we see online. They are too busy living. The online community has the people who want to claim to instantly be a Master. Being a medium that hides one's identity, this is difficult to uncover. However, put that same person in a real life situation with other Masters and he will be uncovered for the fraud he is.

Be wary of those screaming the loudest. When one is jumping from site to site causing havoc, it is usually a sign this person does not drift from the virtual world. One thing I noticed about the old-time BDSM people, they will express a view if asked. Other than that, they are going about their life.

Remember that nobody ever erected a statue for a critic.

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Respect For A Master

It seems to me that many believe the only qualification to be a Master is to establish a profile in a chat room (with capital letters) and say that you are a Master. This means that anyone who is a sub is automatically required to show you respect. It is something that comes along with the position. Once again, virtual strays from reality.

I witnessed this same behavior at munches. Any fool can show up and claim to be a Master. Thus, he expects people to respect his position. It matters little that this person never was in a M/s relationship nor have any knowledge about our lifestyle.

These scenarios are played out everyday. Let me ask you a question: does someone deserve the title "Doctor" just because he or she says so. Of course not. The title is acquired after years of schooling and passing the proper testing to receive certification. The same is true for attorneys, accountants, and reverends. Before one can call oneself something, knowledge and experience is required.

My journey into the chat rooms are always for research purposes. I am amazed how people think what they are doing is real. I see sub calling every dom in there Master. What is that? How many Masters does she have? The only ones who call me Master are the ones who submitted to me. To all others I am Sir. That is showing respect for the position without disrespecting the one who actually owns her.

So, why do people refer to another as Master without knowing if that person is worthy of that title? This shows the online insanity that exists out there. Would you go to a doctor without knowing if they had the proper certifications to practice medicine? Would you give one who only thought about going into medicine two days ago the title of doctor. Most likely not.

The bottom line is that respect is something that is earned through actions. I can claim to be whatever I want to be. However, to earn respect, especially from another who is in that field, I better know what I am referring to. The same is true for the M/s world. Trust me when I tell you that those who are real time Masters can see through many who are pretending. Virtual is not reality. Reality starts when you are in the same zip code.

My message today is to resist the temptation to pay homage to someone just because he says he is worthy of it. If you encounter one who demands that from you in a chat room, simply ask him to list his qualifications as a Master. You would like to know how many have submitted to him and consummated the relationship by actually getting in front of him in person. Also, you are interested when he first got into the lifestyle and what lessons he learned over the years. Finally, ask him how he transitions from online into real time. Then, if you are provided satisfactory answers, then you will show him the respect that a Master deserves.

By the way, if you see me in a chat room anywhere, you can refer to me as Dennis. After all, it is my name.

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Online Role Play

There are many groups online who are into the role playing aspect of BDSM. Regular readers of this blog will be surprised by this but I am in favor of this. I believe role playing is a wonderful way to enhance the fantasies people have. And, what better way to expand that than to have someone (or others) involved.

Where I take exception with the online world is where people believe fantasy meets reality. They are not one in the same. Online is called the "virtual world". It is just that. It is not real life. Online M/s, D/s, or some other form of BDSM is not real. It is a form of role playing.

It was pointed out to me that the Internet serves a second purpose when it comes to this lifestyle. I always point to the fact that people have access to such a wide scope of people. That is a huge advantage enjoyed in this era. However, it was also shown to me that the Internet is a wonderful forum for education. Leaving aside my overlooking the obvious, I agree with this two-fold benefit.

The truth is the Internet is many things. Nevertheless, the one thing it is not is real time interaction. The method of communication takes on a different essence than real time. Virtual interaction, just by its definition, is a form of role playing. It is for fantasy fulfillment in this regard. Nothing can be taken as absolutely true.

I take real exception when someone preys upon another's misconception of this reality. There are many who believe that what they experience online is real. Thus, they are susceptible to being taken advantage of by others. This is where the idea of role play turns harmful. One believes it to be true while another is just looking to pass time. It is a disconnect that causes great pain on the one who is buying into the entire situation.

Therefore, I am issuing a warning: enter the online arena with the intention of role playing. It is a wonderful medium to do that. Get your fantasies fulfilled to the nth degree. However, do not believe what you are experiencing is anywhere near reality. It is not. The sooner you accept this truth, the less pain you will likely to endure.

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Would You Buy A House...

from someone you met in a chatroom? To further complicate matters, would you do it sight unseen with no human contact with that person whatsoever? This idea seems absurd when one thinks about it for a short while. However, are the decisions people make each day about online romance/lifestyles any different? Aren't they doing exactly the same thing in effect?

Why wouldn't you buy a house under the aforementioned circumstances? What would most concern you? Obviously the notion of getting ripped off would cross your mind. The fear that the person is less than truthful is prevalent. The roof leaking, the neighborhood, and the square footage are all areas of importance. Regardless of what one is told, it is impossible to know if it is being accurately represented.

Online interactions of a personal nature carry the same connotation. How do you know the package is being accurately represented? I could say I am in Nevada while living in Chicago. My height of 6'1", 195 pounds of muscle turns out to be 5'7" 225 pounds of flab. The pictures I showed you are really my brother-in-law. And I really work at 7-11 instead of being a brain surgeon. Of course, it is easy for me to create the image that I want you to see. Without human interaction, it is doubtful you will be able to call me on it.

I see this occur in the BDSM world frequently. People seem to lack common sense when approaching this lifestyle. The gullibility is astounding. Some will take whatever another says as it is fact. Sadly, it rarely is. My belief is that 90% of the online interactions are bullshit. At least one party is lying. There are some online who are completely honest and upfront. That is the minority. Chatrooms are full of people who are trying to "get their rocks off" by pretending to be something they are not. This extends to all styles of chat, regardless of the lifestyle.

My message today is to be careful and do not get too caught up with the one that you are chatting with. That person most likely will turn out to be less than he/she professes. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble but better now than later. Eventually the truth will come out. Look for signs that tell you this person is lying. Does he/she only contact you at certain times which seem odd? (For example, he is only on after 11:00 at night when you know he ends work at 5:00) Is there resistance to move the relationship offline into a real live interaction? These simple acts should be warnings that something is amiss.

If you are protective of your money from swindlers, why wouldn't you have the same approach with matters of your heart? The situation is especially compounded when you consider that children are also involved. Why would you subject them to something that is built upon fantasy? Many like online because it gives them the anonymity to create a persona as they desire. Unfortunately, this usually causes heartache and misery to the one on the other end.

Please be careful.

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When The Rubber Meets The Road

There are many pretenders out there. We all know that. The Internet is a doubled edged sword when it comes to meeting people for BDSM: it allows for access to far greater number of people while enabling people to assume any persona they desire. In the end, what is really known about a person is they are text on a screen. There is nothing more unless there is some other form of communication.

Many will take exception with this viewpoint. They claim there are people behind those usernames and characters. That is true, there is someone with a heartbeat. However, that is where the truth ends. Everything else is up for debate. For example, is the person male or female? Is he/she married or single? Does that person really weight 105 pounds or is she 205? None of these answers can really be known unless there is more than online interaction. (In my book An Owned Life, I dedicate a section to the difference between online and real time)

When it comes to BDSM, there seems to be a lot of play out there (and not the good play). I heard so many tales of woe that I am stunned each time I hear about the gullibility of people. People seem to give all they have to people they never even spoke to. And then when things go awry, they are crushed like they lost something real. The truth is that they were played.

Online is not real. I write this all the time. Too many want to make it seem like there is something there when a "relationship" forms. This is not the case. While I acknowledge the Internet is a fabulous way to "break the ice", any relationship that does not move to any form of human interaction is bound to crack. The foundation is most likely built upon a lie.

Whenever I "meet" people online that I am interested in moving into some form of real time, I immediately begin the human process. This starts usually with a phone call. This is a mechanism which is more personal than online and allows for one to gain a greater knowledge of the person. For example, you might hear children in the background (warning sign if you were told he/she is single with no kids). The voice tells a great deal about a person. And you can learn if they are shy or outgoing. These things cannot be learned through chatting online.

When the "rubber meets the road" do you really know what you are dealing with in the person you are chatting with online? Unfortunately, it is only when a desperate situation arises will the truth be revealed. Are you able to count on this person? Is he/she going to be there for you when you are in need? Most likely not based upon the percentages.

Each time I hear one of the heartbreaking stories, I always reflect upon the missed signs. Dishonesty and manipulation are obvious if you know what you are looking for. The rule is that is something seems amiss, it probably is. So often I hear that a Dom/Master can only call at certain times. Why would this be? Perhaps it is because he/she has a spouse they are hiding. Do you have a phone or an address for this person? Or were they hidden from you by some excuse. Does their name come up on a search engine in that town? Most people are involved in some type of organization that will have records or rosters listed online. The point is that a little research will uncover a lot.

Common sense is lacking when it comes to online. People will not tolerate certain behaviors in person yet they fall completely for the manipulation online. For those who do this, they are mostly saddened when the truth comes out. Dishonesty is the prevailing trait in the virtual world. It is just too easy to assume another persona. Be forewarned the next time you are chatting with someone. All is probably not as it appears.

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Online World

The Internet really changed the way the BDSM world operates. This technology really made it possible for the lifestyle to move from an “underground” society to something that is more accepted. The spread of information has allowed new people to learn about something which was previously not accessible to them. This is a wonderful benefit of this.

However, there is a drawback to this also. Many engage in online activities which makes them believe that what they are experiencing is real. While the Internet is a wonderful tool, it is important to remember that is all it is. This mechanism allows for one to meet people from all over the world. Yet, this can never replace the real time contact that is truly what this lifestyle is really about.

What is the Internet beneficial for.

1. It allows one to access to a wider range of ideas and techniques.

2. An online relationship will allow one to learn more about a potential Dom/Master and for a basis for a relationship to form (if both parties are honest).

3. A network of other subs/slaves can be set up to receive guidance from more experienced people.

This is what the online world offer. Please do not think that it is real. The step from online to real is vastly different. I see so many who think that because they were involved online for the past 2 years that they are experienced. It is not so. Until you dealt with the day-to-day issues of being with a Dom/Master or the daily interaction with a sub/slave, you really haven’t experienced what this life is all about. Perhaps there was a glimpse of it. Yet it is not until the relationship moves into real time that there is truly a BDSM situation. Short of that, it is more fantasy or role playing.