Absolute M/s

As many of you are aware, the exchange of power is at the core of the Master/slave relationship. Also know as TPE (total power exchange), a slave turns all control over to his/her Master/Mistress. It is a basic idea; all decisions, power, control, and authority are in the hands of One. The other is to follow.

It seems there might be degrees of control which are handed over. As I travel around talking with others, there seems to be some misconception of what M/s is all about. This gets really hairy when I read different posts on the Internet. I believe many of these people are confused as to what is submissive versus being dominant.

For this reason, I outlined in my book, An Owned Life, a premise I call Absolute M/s. For many, this is the only true M/s relationship. This is where softcore exits and extreme enters. This is a lifestyle for only the strongest of submissives. Many enter to find they are not cut out for such an absolute way of life.

Again, the premise of control (or power) is completely in the hands of the Master. This is something which is indisputable. All decisions are his to make without exception. Of course, he might allow a slave to have the power to make decisions over certain areas of life. However, he is the one to authorize that. She can do nothing without his approval. Straying from this concept is worthy of punishment.

Many find it devastating to realize that he has the power to ignore a slave. As my regular readers know, I believe this is one of the most powerful punishment techniques available to a Master. Nevertheless, a Master is free to choose with whom and where he spends his time. If he decides he wants to hang with the guys 6 nights a week, so be it. Or if he wants to have another that he focuses upon, it is a slave's duty to be ready when he returns to her. In essence, her position is to be there for him when he wants/needs her. Anything else is only because he grants it.

A slave gives her mind, body, and soul to her Master in this type of relationship. It is termed "absolute" since there is nothing left to dispute. It is a breakdown of power where 100% is in his hands. Any attempt by her to exert influence is manipulative and deserving of punishment.

I often write that there is a wide door in the BDSM world. The same holds true for M/s. Many will structure their relationships in ways they see fit. There is nothing wrong with this approach. Yet it is important to note that many of those deemed M/s are really D/s relationships. Under this scenario, the sub has more of a say in what occurs. The breakdown of power is less absolute.

So what do you want? If you are one who wants the extreme state that an absolute M/s relationship offers, then go for it. The only suggestion is to be prepared to cede all notions of a romantic lifestyle. Many can tell you this way of life is lonely and wrought with a lot of inner turmoil. So be prepared.

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5 Tips for Safe Wax Play

here are some safety tips for making the most out of your wax play experience. Follow these to enhance the pleasure while reducing the risk of injury.

1. Use a plain white candle

Many people are allergic to the perfumes and dyes in colored/scented candles. Avoid this by purchasing white unscented candles.

2. Cheap is better

More expensive candles burn at hotter temperatures. We are seeking pleasure not burns. The candles that are available at your local Dollar Store burn at a level that will cause him/her to feel it without causing injury.

3. Hold the candle about a foot away from the sub's body.

Wax cools as it falls from the candle. Holding the candle about a foot above the intended target will allow the cooling process to occur. Again, this will avoid injury to the sensitive areas.

4. Wax external areas only.

It would seem like common sense but must be mentioned. Never place wax on the eyes, mouth, nostrils, or anywhere else where it can penetrate the body. Safety is the top priority and we do not want to impede one's breathing in any way.

5. Always have water or a fire extinguisher available

Many see this as excessive but when playing, especially on a bed, there is a lot that is flammable. Take the necessary steps to ensure that something tragic does not result from a scene that goes awry.

Enjoy your BDSM experience to the fullest.

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Parenting Skills Help

I freely admit that I will never win the parent of the year award. When it comes to being a father, I am adequate at best. When my daughter was born I made a choice which affects our relationship to this day. Over the last 7 years, things got a lot better. However, they will never be mistaken for the typical father-daughter relationship. I freely accept the situation since it is due to choices I made.

Fortunately I get a second chance at honing my parenting skills since dealing with subs/slaves often resembles dealing with children. Slaves have the ability create a mess over the dumbest shit. Sometimes a Dom/Master wants to throw up his hands and say "screw it".

The situation is magnified when you are involved in poly (although it truly becomes multi-slave). Most slaves cannot get along with each other. They are like children in the sandbox fighting over the pail. You should hear the whining when they don't get their way.

Those who read my posts know that I prefer the positive approach to this lifestyle. Slaves should be given responsibility to lighten the load on a Master. However, when they behave like children, an approach that resembles a child ought to be undertaken.

We need to bear in mind that some simply do not belong in the lifestyle. They want to claim they are submissive yet their actions seem to resemble a dominant role. (My post about a slave who decided when she and her Master had sex comes to mind.) They are seeking to fill something within themselves which M/s will not. A lack of esteem is never a reason to get involved in this way of life. Neither is loneliness. At the end of the day, your character flaws will doom the relationship.

Anyway, back to the children (slaves). Sometimes you just need to let them sulk. It reminds me of when my sister would throw a tantrum in the supermarket if she was told no to something. She would lay in the middle of the aisle screaming at the top of her lungs. My mom would just continue shopping knowing sooner or later she would realize she was alone. Then the terror of being abandoned set in. At that point, my sister forgot whatever she was refused. Her main concern became being reunited with my mother and feeling the safety that brings.

Similarly, a slave often needs to pitch a fit. They do that. Let them go. In my book, An Owned Life, I talk about different punishments. When in a situation like this, there are a few possibilities. The first is always release. Some will have to be let go. The other is to ignore them for a while. There is not a slave in the world who can handled being 100% ignored by her Master for 72 or 96 hours. I find that is the most powerful punishment a Master can give.

In poly, there is often a fight for a Master's time. A little shift in focus helps to put it all in perspective for a slave. When one is squabbling about a lack of time with the Master, remove whatever time she was given. If she is complaining about a lack of sex, remove all physical contact. When there is something she doesn't like that she was given, remove all that she has. This will remind her that her place is at the bequest of her Master. TPE is complete.

I understand this sounds harsh and demeaning. In some ways it is. However, I feel an obligation to warn/remind potential Masters of what really exists. Many feel that things will change when things move from online to real time. Certainly they do. However, the same childish behavior witnessed in the chat rooms will exist in person. The anonymity of the Internet allows them to change certain aspects of themselves. Nevertheless, it is impossible to hide one's true personality. Fear is a powerful motivator that controls the lives of most.

Understand that dealing with owned ones is like dealing with children. The quicker one realizes this, the better. There are times when maturity is at the core of the relationship. However, many times you will be reminded of the 5 year old in the sandbox. Do not be discouraged. It is not you. Some just have to behave in that manner. My suggestion is disappear for a while. Let her really know what it is like for you to turn your back. Most times, this will serve as the wake up call that is needed.

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Switch

Some are dominant. Some are submissive. Some are both. This is my experience although it tends to create some controversy. People who switch back and forth between dominant and submissive seem to be looked down upon by many in the lifestyle. This is a sad fact which I fail to understand.

I met many who like to "play both sides". I would guess the most common switch is a bisexual woman who prefers to submit to men while dominating women. This seems to fulfill both inner desires while dealing with different types of people.

However, I have also met those who can fluctuate back and forth with the same sex. They truly are switches. I presume they follow their inclinations based upon their present moment desires. It must be like choosing fish or steak depending upon your mood.

Please bear in mind that I am only speaking based upon those I met. I am not a switch in any manner. My leanings are towards domination. Also, I would surmise that most lean heavily towards one extreme or another. My estimation is that people who switch are in the minority. It is a relatively low number statistically speaking.

There is no reason to believe that people who switch are any less worthy of this lifestyle. I am astounded at the belligerence many show, especially when online. It is as if their form of BDSM is the only proper avenue. What a crock of crap. BDSM is a personal experience where each is free to develop a method which works for them. Those who feel there is only one way for people to live are as obtuse as those in the traditional world who degrade our choices.

The important factor to me is that people follow their inner desires. As William Shakespeare said, "to thy own self be true".

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The Personality Issue

I cannot say it any clearer than this: more conflicts seem to arise out of personalities what for any other reason. Personalities often clash unexpectedly. Whenever things are traveling along smoothly and they abruptly change, it is often the result of a quirk in personality. Therefore, maybe it is important for us to understand how crucial this component is in our decision-making.

As the regular readers know, I am involved with many people simultaneously. Sometimes I am into poly relationships while, others, are multi-person. The difference between the two seems to be how all interact with each other. The barometer tends to be the personality clashes (or lack of) that exist.

Many seek to get involved with a Master or Dom without thinking of the consequences. The reverse is also true when One is seeking someone to have submit. It appears that anyone will do who is willing to move forward. Sadly, this is where the death of the relationship starts. In effect, it is doomed before it began.

Personality conflicts enter all areas of our lives. We have them with families, co-workers, and employers. We also will have them in our personal relationships if we are not careful. The traditional world does a good job training people to fit those with whom they are compatible with. Yet we fail to promote this same ideal within this alternative lifestyle. It appears the only qualification is to unite a dominant type with a submissive type. As long as both of those are met, there is a match.

This is where the trainwrecks come from. Sex is a wonderful part of life (and this lifestyle). However, as most know, relationships need to move past that if they are ever to last. Sad but true. The ones that are forced together without much thought of how each personality will interact end up in destruction.

How do you get past this? As Master who interacts with many at the same time, I understand the concept of matching personalities the best I can. Even with a mind towards it, there are times when mistakes are made. Sometimes the best method is to keep people separated from each other. I find this alleviates some of the strain as a result of the personality conflicts. This is where poly moves into the multi-person realm.

Some people simply do not get along. There are clashes of their personalities which cannot be overcome. This is true for both subs/slaves as well as for Doms/Masters. I personally had a situation at a sex gathering where there was one woman who so turned me off with her snotty personality that I would have thrown her through a window before fucking her. She was stunning to look at but lost it all when she opened her mouth (and not to suck a cock either). Basically, her and I would never get along no matter how long we interacted.

Whenever you are looking to get with someone new, look at their personality to see if it is something that is accommodating to you. Do this before you submit to a Dom/Master. Before bringing another into the mix, see how she will interact with the others who are already there. Of course there is no guarantee for success. Nevertheless, the awareness might increase your chances.

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The Online Illusion

I wrote a great deal in the past about the differences between real time and online. There was extensive differences mentioned in my book, An Owned Life. Many seem to believe that what they read about and see in pictures online is what this lifestyle is all about. Sadly, they are shocked to realize this is not the case. Reality offers a much different view.

The easiest analogy I can come up with is to compare this lifestyle to marriage. Many have the "Prince Charming" idea of the state of matrimony. From the time of being small, girls are conditioned to think of their wedding day. It is something of fantasy and excitement. I am sure the mind drifts to the wonderful life that two will share after the ceremony. In short, it is a heavenly experience that will last until death.

Okay, my question is how many people experience anything close to this? With more than half the marriages ending in divorce, I would guess that fewer than 10% of the people even get close to this ideal. At the same time, those who have wonderful marriages realize that life still occurs. They face the everyday problems that all others are confronted with. The fairy tale is replaced with a solid understanding of the regular challenges of life.

Unfortunately, few make this same distinction to this lifestyle. Regardless of the alternative lifestyle selected, life still happens. D/s and M/s people face the same challenges. So do swingers, BDSMers, and homosexuals. Regardless of the life you choose to lead, there is no escaping reality.

Online is not reality. This is true no matter what the circumstances are. Many suffer from the illusion that the people in chatrooms, as an example, are real. The truth is they are usernames on a screen. Their persona is a creation which might or might not be accurate. The anonymity of the Internet allows for misrepresentation.

The online illusion is bought into on a daily basis. So many enter chatrooms and sites believing their interaction with another is real. This is not the case unless there is something done to take the relationship to the next level. I feel online is a wonderful way to "meet" people although it is fantasy unless there is some other interaction. People are often surprised when I initially ask if they are willing to meet at some point. If one is not willing to meet in person, what is the point of even chatting. The relationship will never move from online to real time in that instance.

Life in the real world is vastly different than the fantasy played out online. Few have dungeons in their house to be able to offer the complete BDSM scene. Life is not 24 hours a day of play and interaction. Subs/slaves are distraught to find they are not the main focus of a Dom/Master. Sometimes football takes preference whether it is a husband or a Dom. In other words, life happens.

Bear this in mind when you are tempted to believe what you are experiencing online is real. While there is a relationship when interacting in this manner, there is also a large portion of reality missing. The shift from online to real time is bigger than many imagine.

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Gratitude For What Is Given

It is no secret that the D/s and M/s relationships are ones where the equality is not part of the equation. People seem to grasp the concept in theory yet put up a fight when this occurs in reality. The truth is that a total exchange of power in a real time relationship means that expectations are basically meaningless. If a sub/slave chooses to hold onto them, she might be devastated.

The fact is that one should be grateful for what is granted. Failure to do so might result in whatever is offered being removed. There are many times where the best punishment is the removal of interaction with a Dom/Master.

When there is more than one involved, the situation gets multiplied. Many seem to believe it is up to them to dictate how much time/attention/gifts (etc...) they are given by a Dom/master. At the same time, they feel there should be some type of equality amongst the "family". To both of these I say "wrong".

If one truly wants to live the life of submission, these are thoughts which are outside the bounds of this way of life. There is nothing wrong with living a life of equality except when you seek it in the D/s or M/s realm. This is not a life of equals. In fact, it is the exact opposite. TPE produces complete inequality.

So how does one counter the feelings of wanting more. Simple. Be grateful for what is given to you. When a Dom/Master provides you with something, take it as a gift. Whether it is his time, attention, or permission to cum, hold it as something of value. Be grateful that he gave you that much. Failure to do so might result in that being removed.

Of late, I wrote about the more basic, cold facts of the lifestyle. The reason I do this is to alert everyone to the realities of this way of life. M/s and D/s are not for those who are insecure. Submission doesn't make someone weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes incredible strength and courage to submit. However, once done, do not think your life will suddenly become a bed of roses. Life can be cruel and the TPE world reflects that.

Gratitude is a way to find happiness in any lifestyle. I feel the more extreme the lifestyle, the more it is necessary. Start immediately appreciating whatever it is that your Dom/Master gives you instead of focusing upon that which you do not get. It will make your life more worthwhile.

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Ruining One's Plans

A slave is there to serve her Master. It is her job to make his life easier. She is there to support him in whatever he wants to accomplish. Her position is determined by him in whatever capacity he sees her fulfilling. This is the essence of the lifestyle.

I have witnessed (an experienced) a complete ruining of plans because of a slave. There were times when she decided something else was more important. Or because of personal issues she decided to act in a way that totally changed what was occurring. Either way this is inappropriate behavior.

A slave's place is to serve. Her wishes and desires are placed secondary to her Masters. While she might claim to think of her Master's wants, often people are thinking of themselves.

I am still amazed that some believe they are acting properly when they are requesting or expressing their desires. While a Master might open this forum up to a slave, there is a line which is easily crossed. Causing a Master upset and anger is not what serving is all about. It is showing the fear, self-centeredness, and misfocus on the part of her.

Disappointment is a fact in the lifestyle. Masters are a whimsical bunch who will operate from a different perspective. The quicker a slave realizes her place, the easier it is for all involved.

Disobedience on the part of a slave should never be tolerated. A slave who defies her Master deserves harsh treatment to correct her action. At the same time, a slave who acts up because she wants something is behaving in a manner that merits equal punishment. It is not a slave's place to attempt to "control from the bottom". This goes against the very notion of service.

A slave can ruin many plans for a Master. Since she is often not privy to his ideas, this can occur in ways she is not even aware of. Her place is to wait until her Master reveals to her what his thoughts are. Not the other way around.

Manipulation is a dangerous game to play. I understand that a slave will often not realize this is what she is doing. However, many times I watched a slave try to make a Master feel guilty about something he is doing (or not doing). Guilt of one of the oldest manipulation tools there is. Knowingly or unknowingly, a slave will fall into the habit of using this technique to get what she wants.

Service is a slave's place. Her position is one of obedience. Many cannot extreme power breakdown this life creates. Instead, they wish it otherwise while trying to make it that way. Daily reflection upon your actions is helpful. Acting in ways that ruin a Master's plans will cause heartache on all fronts.

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A Slave Is A Slave

What is a slave's place? Where does she belong in the grand realm of M/s? The simple truth is that a slave gets all from her Master. If one is truly committed to living M/s, it is crucial to understand this basic premise.

M/s is all about the exchange of power. It is the fundamental tenet of this way of life. The power breakdown is what makes M/s different from the traditional forms of relationships. In fact, with such complete exchange of power, M/s differs greatly from D/s. A sub has the option of retaining some of her rights.

I wrote often that I honestly believe few are cut out for M/s. I see many, especially online, claim to be slaves. At the same time, I see some of these same people writing blogs "informing" others what life as a slave is all about. Sadly, this is misleading since they no more qualify as slaves than I do.

At the core of the M/s relationship is the total exchange of power. It is absolute, complete, and final. This is not something that is subject to interpretation. A slave gives all her power over to her Master. Any power retained by her (or him in Domme/Slave) is granted by the Master. It is that simple. What he says goes.

Unfortunately, many agree to this when online yet encounter problems when they enter real time. Understand how complete the exchange of power is if you want to live in this manner. Your opinions, thoughts, actions, and time are not your own. Like you, they are property of your Master. It all is his.

I see so many who behave in ways which causes their Master grief. Is this a slave's place? Certainly not. A slave is to make her Master's life easier, not more difficult. It is her place to available to him when he decides he wants her. Not the other way around. I recently read about a slave initiating sex with her Master. She claimed to have jumped him when he came through the door. I will tell you that if that were a Gorean relationship, her punishment would be severe.

It is time that many got off the romantic notion about M/s. It is not the cure all to compensate for unhappiness in the traditional world. Looking for a "fairy tale" life with a Master not going to happen. We can be an irritable, cold, and demeaning lot. Life as a slave is not all roses. You are into a full time service position if your Master wants you to do that. Therefore, waiting until called is your place.

This is vastly different from the images shown online. The Internet spreads a view of this life that is not true in most cases. M/s can be sexless, emotionless, lonely, and saddening. Those are the facts. That doesn't mean that it cannot be fun, exciting, and erotic. It is that also at times. However, the choice is solely in the hands of the Master.

Slaves like to use their little tricks to get their way. Some of these are overt while others are subtle. The bottom line is a slave will often try to sabotage things because of fear. While this is understandable, it is completely inappropriate. A slave should never do anything to sabotage anything (or anyone) her Master is interested in.

The most important thing to remember is that it is not about a slave's wishes. If a Master considers them, that is his choice. He is under no obligation to do so and to expect that is going back on the intention you had when you submitted. That is why you are a slave. If this is too much for you, enter into a D/s relationship where there is a bit more power.

A slave is a slave. Know your place. Trying to continually get your way is not what the lifestyle is about. Drop the antics of trying to guilt, manipulate, or lie your way into what you want. M/s is about service. None of these character traits enhance one's servitude to her Master. They only help to move her to get what she wants which might be in opposition to her Master's wishes. In the end, even the most patient Masters will see through this.

I write this with the intention of helping people open their eyes to this way of life. A true Master will look after his slave(s) to ensure their safety and peace. He will also do many things to foster their happiness. None of this is out of the realm of normal M/s relationships. However, there are times when a Master makes choices that are in direct opposition to what a slave wants. It is at this point that a slave needs to remember her place and that she is under her Master control. M/s is for the extreme but for those who can handle it, it is a fabulous way of life.


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The Sex Shop vs Hardware Store

Last week I took a trip into one of our local sex shops and was astounded at the price of BDSM accessories/equipment. While I knew things were expensive at the retail level, even I was not braced for the sticker shock I experienced. Quite simply, the sex shop reduces BDSM only to the most affluent. People would rather pay their rent then spend hundreds of dollars on BDSM toys.


Fortunately, the visit was after I went to our local Home Depot. As regular readers here know, I am a fan designing and building my own BDSM equipment. Quite simply, a little skill goes a long way in developing furniture and other accessories while saving vasts amounts of money. I believe in being a frugal BDSMers.

When you look at the price of things such as cuffs, you can easily spend $100 on a decent pair. These items will certainly enhance the BDSM scene. However, it is something that is out of the price range of many people, especially those who are new. Therefore, I developed restraints with some ingenuity, bungee cords, and a metal "D" clip. I can bind a subs hands with two bungee cords and join them together with the "D" clip. The total cost on this system was less than $5.

The next time you visit the sex shop, use the trip as a fact finding tour. Notice what you like and then follow it up with a trip to the hardware store. You will be amazed how many ideas you have when walking around of how to create substitute products for a fraction of the cost. The bottom line is a sub will not care what is being used to bind her during a scene. After all, we are after the effect.

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