Bondage

This is one of the aspects of the lifestyle that is captured in the imaginations of those who look at this lifestyle online. Many crave the idea of being held in captivity in an assortment of positions. Certainly, bondage is a way to emphasize the breakdown in power. Obviously, when one is bound, he or she is at the total mercy of the other person. This is an idea that sounds heavenly to many.

As attractive as this idea is, it also comes with a large degree of risk. Regular readers of my work know that I am a proponent of safety in all that we do. This is the highest priority at all times. We live a lifestyle that is safe, sane, and consensual. Notice how "safe" is the first word.

Abusers in the dominant role seem to think that a sub is their rag doll to be used as he or she sees fit. This is true to a certain degree. However, the dominant one is responsible for ensuring the safety of the one being bound. Contrary to what is believed, safety is even more important than the satisfaction he or she garners.

There are many horror stories posted online about what happens when people forget this simple, but crucial, tidbit. We read about instances of death and disfigurement because one did not take the necessary steps to ensure a safe scene. This led to negative circumstances which involved the legal system. I am sure that few set out to achieve this end when they begin their play.

One of the most basic ideas of bondage is to have all restraints loose fitting. While we want to achieve the result of powerlessness, we do not want to cut the circulation off. Wherever there is a restraint touching a body part, be sure that you can get your fingers between them. If not, there is the possibility of inflicting nerve damage. Loss of circulation throughout the body can have tragic consequences.

Another commonsense idea is to never bind anyone near the neck or a major artery. You would think this need not be said but evidently it does. There are some who just lack the basic mental intelligence to presume something so obvious. Nevertheless, tying anyone around the neck or major artery can cause death or a loss of limb.

Finally, limit the time that you have someone tied up. Loss of circulation can occur without harm for a few minutes. However, binding someone for an hour or more is something that should never be done. To be safe, keep changing the position of the sub binding him or her in different ways. This will allow the body to maintain the proper flow of blood to each limb reducing the effects of the bondage.

Practice these simple but effective techniques to prevent injury during your scene. Fun is not achieve in having the cops show up.

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An Abusive Dom

This is a question that is often ask: what do I do if I am with someone who is physically abusive? While there can be many layers to this question the answer is always to get away.

Whether we are referring to an M/s or a D/s relationship, there is no room for abuse in our lifestyle. If one is living with an abusive person, my feeling is that leaving is the best idea. I feel this is true in both the traditional world and in all alternative lifestyles. There is never a call for this type of behavior whether it is physical or psychological. If one has a drinking, drug or some psychological problem that causes them to be abusive, remaining in the situation is not helping. There is never an excuse for abuse.

The other thought that comes to mind when I read this question is when one is dealing with a physically abuse person during a scene. Sadly, the wrong time to find this out is when one is already tied to the bed. My only answer is to do your due diligence ahead of time. When you are seeking a Dom, be sure to look for one who is experienced. This will reduce the likelihood of abuse. Also, have someone with you during the scene. While it might be a bit embarrassing having someone else watch you "in all your glory", it is a sure-fire way to fend of abuse. If things get out of hand, that person can step in to protect you.

A final way to protect yourself is through the use of a safe word. Many Doms, especially when they are new, will get a bit out-of-hand unintentionally. A safe word allows you to tell him (her) to cease all activity immediately. This is another line of defense against being inadvertently mistreated.

Unfortunately, we cannot protect against all ills that exist out there. However, using some common sense to protect yourself will go a long way. The best method is to get to know the one you are seeking to interact with. If possible, talk with someone else he (she) was involved with to see how that turned out. References are a terrific way to verify the experience and abilities of a Dom.

As always, we stress safety in this lifestyle. It is the highest priority of everyone.

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Household BDSM Items II

Yesterday I wrote about 4 items that every household has which can be used to enter into the world of BDSM (read post here). It is a fallacy that BDSM need be an expensive proposition with many trips to the sex shop. When you look around your house, you can find many items to implement into your scenes.

Here are a few more.









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Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is the foundation for BDSM. Everything we do follows these simple edicts. Whenever anyone strays from them, bad things happen. You will notice that the events which make the paper are because these three words were ignored.

In most societies around the world, slavery is outlawed. At the same time, it is illegal to hold someone against their will. Breaking these laws carry a huge penalty in the modernized cultures. Kidnapping is not something that is considered lightly by the courts.

With that being said, the Master/slave relationship exists only because there is consent. Anytime there is a scene, both parties are agreeing to participate. To ensure safety, certain ground rules are established ahead of time. The use of a "safe word" is critical especially when playing with someone unfamiliar. This is how a sub can maintain an order of control so as not to cross any hard limits.

Much damage can be done when a BDSM scene goes awry. The press sensationalizes the physical harm done when people act without regard to safety. There are instances where death occurred as a result of a scene. Nevertheless, much less talked about but ever more dangerous is the psychological pain that a Dom/Master can cause during a scene. It is not uncommon for someone to have flashbacks to previous abuse. Since there is pain involved in many scenes, these thoughts can provoke one to go off the deep end mentally. This can scar someone permanently.

How do we go about ensuring everything turns out okay. We remember three things:

1. All actions during the scene are done after the safety issue is considered.

2. It is best to engage in actions that are reflective of your ability. A new person should not play with full suspension. This is something that is best left to the seasoned persons. We like our play to be fun but within reason for people's skill and limit level. That is sanity.

3. The basic premise of the foundation is consensual. A sub/slave decides to submit, not the other way around. Those who try to push one into submitting are really taking a hostage. That is not consensual. We strive to have consent as the foundation of the relationship.

Remember these three parameters when entering into this life. There is nothing worse than a scene gone wrong. That is how people get hurt.

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The Sex Shop vs Hardware Store

Last week I took a trip into one of our local sex shops and was astounded at the price of BDSM accessories/equipment. While I knew things were expensive at the retail level, even I was not braced for the sticker shock I experienced. Quite simply, the sex shop reduces BDSM only to the most affluent. People would rather pay their rent then spend hundreds of dollars on BDSM toys.


Fortunately, the visit was after I went to our local Home Depot. As regular readers here know, I am a fan designing and building my own BDSM equipment. Quite simply, a little skill goes a long way in developing furniture and other accessories while saving vasts amounts of money. I believe in being a frugal BDSMers.

When you look at the price of things such as cuffs, you can easily spend $100 on a decent pair. These items will certainly enhance the BDSM scene. However, it is something that is out of the price range of many people, especially those who are new. Therefore, I developed restraints with some ingenuity, bungee cords, and a metal "D" clip. I can bind a subs hands with two bungee cords and join them together with the "D" clip. The total cost on this system was less than $5.

The next time you visit the sex shop, use the trip as a fact finding tour. Notice what you like and then follow it up with a trip to the hardware store. You will be amazed how many ideas you have when walking around of how to create substitute products for a fraction of the cost. The bottom line is a sub will not care what is being used to bind her during a scene. After all, we are after the effect.

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