Outting Oneself

I wrote a number of posts over the last few months relating to this topic. However, today someone posted some evidence on my social BDSM community which illustrates what happens when we advertise the lifestyle choices we make.

Before reading any further, check out his post here. It is rather short and wont take but a moment to read.

They Do Not Understand

Can you believe what you just read? I certainly can. This post shows how dangerous it is for one to mention the choice to live in the BDSM lifestyle. The simply fact is that most of society does not understand the options we select. In fact, they feel that we are mentally unstable and in need of psychiatric help. The BDSM way of life is a ticket to the loony bin according to the mainstream "experts".

Personally, I am one who believes all promoters of dogma belong in the nuthouse. This includes those same government pukes who want to judge us while taking our children away. Of course, we cannot forget those religious fanatics who are holier than thou. Tell that to all the children molested by those "pure" priests. Their hypocrisy is legendary. Nonetheless, sometimes it is best for us to keep our mouths shut.

I see so many who want to tell all what they are into. I understand how there are some who are so thirsty for recognition that they will do anything to garner the attention. Again, this is a mistake when it comes to BDSM. The general public does not understand. They simply see images of online of women (mostly) tied up and beaten. They consider this cruel and immoral. Never do they take the time to understand subspace or the fact that all we do is based upon consent. Instead they forge ahead with the prosecution.

Leave Family Out Of It

I have a simple suggestion: leave your family out of every detail of your BDSM lifestyle. It is none of their business. Resist the temptation to tell anyone what you are into. This is doubly true if you have small children. As the story illustrates, there are forces out there who will take them from you. Defy this fact at your own risk. Those who think it cannot or will not happen to them ought to consider her. Do you think she would ever imagine that she would be in a battle for her kids over her lifestyle practices? I surmise she did not. Yet that is exactly where she finds herself.

Kids have no place in this way of life. If they are living in the house with you, play elsewhere. Anyone who is 24/7 live-in has to use some sense of what is appropriate in front of the children and what is not. Act like the adult you are suppose to be. Sex is not something that people do in while their kids are awake. The same is true for bondage, paddling, and other BDSM games. It is the adults responsibility to shield the children from these practices until they are of age when they are going to be making choices regarding their sexuality.

As bad as I feel for this woman, I cannot say that it surprises me at all. I know that this is how we are treated by the mainstream. Anyone who is naive enough to believe things like this do not happen probably deserves whatever he or she gets. The warning signs are all over the place if you lack the commonsense to take matters into your own hands. If you still are missing them, I will spell it out again: Leave your family out of your BDSM lifestyle. Keep it private for the benefit of all involved. It is that simple.

If you are one who decides to advertise yourself all over the place: STOP! This means removing all specific references to family on adult sites. Take all your BDSM accessories and lock them in a safe place out of young prying eyes. Secure all photos of yourself and others in compromising positions (remember teenagers are more skilled at the computer than you so be careful). Approach your life as if it is a big secret. Failure to do so might find you in a similar position as this woman. I can guarantee that you do not want to try to explain the pleasure you receive from a whipping to a judge in front of your family. That has disaster spelled all over it.

Now, if you missed it everywhere else, your are WARNED.

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Parenting Skills Help

I freely admit that I will never win the parent of the year award. When it comes to being a father, I am adequate at best. When my daughter was born I made a choice which affects our relationship to this day. Over the last 7 years, things got a lot better. However, they will never be mistaken for the typical father-daughter relationship. I freely accept the situation since it is due to choices I made.

Fortunately I get a second chance at honing my parenting skills since dealing with subs/slaves often resembles dealing with children. Slaves have the ability create a mess over the dumbest shit. Sometimes a Dom/Master wants to throw up his hands and say "screw it".

The situation is magnified when you are involved in poly (although it truly becomes multi-slave). Most slaves cannot get along with each other. They are like children in the sandbox fighting over the pail. You should hear the whining when they don't get their way.

Those who read my posts know that I prefer the positive approach to this lifestyle. Slaves should be given responsibility to lighten the load on a Master. However, when they behave like children, an approach that resembles a child ought to be undertaken.

We need to bear in mind that some simply do not belong in the lifestyle. They want to claim they are submissive yet their actions seem to resemble a dominant role. (My post about a slave who decided when she and her Master had sex comes to mind.) They are seeking to fill something within themselves which M/s will not. A lack of esteem is never a reason to get involved in this way of life. Neither is loneliness. At the end of the day, your character flaws will doom the relationship.

Anyway, back to the children (slaves). Sometimes you just need to let them sulk. It reminds me of when my sister would throw a tantrum in the supermarket if she was told no to something. She would lay in the middle of the aisle screaming at the top of her lungs. My mom would just continue shopping knowing sooner or later she would realize she was alone. Then the terror of being abandoned set in. At that point, my sister forgot whatever she was refused. Her main concern became being reunited with my mother and feeling the safety that brings.

Similarly, a slave often needs to pitch a fit. They do that. Let them go. In my book, An Owned Life, I talk about different punishments. When in a situation like this, there are a few possibilities. The first is always release. Some will have to be let go. The other is to ignore them for a while. There is not a slave in the world who can handled being 100% ignored by her Master for 72 or 96 hours. I find that is the most powerful punishment a Master can give.

In poly, there is often a fight for a Master's time. A little shift in focus helps to put it all in perspective for a slave. When one is squabbling about a lack of time with the Master, remove whatever time she was given. If she is complaining about a lack of sex, remove all physical contact. When there is something she doesn't like that she was given, remove all that she has. This will remind her that her place is at the bequest of her Master. TPE is complete.

I understand this sounds harsh and demeaning. In some ways it is. However, I feel an obligation to warn/remind potential Masters of what really exists. Many feel that things will change when things move from online to real time. Certainly they do. However, the same childish behavior witnessed in the chat rooms will exist in person. The anonymity of the Internet allows them to change certain aspects of themselves. Nevertheless, it is impossible to hide one's true personality. Fear is a powerful motivator that controls the lives of most.

Understand that dealing with owned ones is like dealing with children. The quicker one realizes this, the better. There are times when maturity is at the core of the relationship. However, many times you will be reminded of the 5 year old in the sandbox. Do not be discouraged. It is not you. Some just have to behave in that manner. My suggestion is disappear for a while. Let her really know what it is like for you to turn your back. Most times, this will serve as the wake up call that is needed.

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