Poly And BDSM

As I travel around the web, I am struck by all the people who are poly. Every where I turn, there is another individual or couple who is part of a poly relationship (household) and seeking to add another. Without any scientific data, I can only estimate the percentage of people in this lifestyle who are poly.

The Stats Do Not Match

Poly relationships are not exclusive to the BDSM community.  In fact, as you will see, most of the exist outside this world.  The vast percentage of true poly relationships reside in the traditional realm of society.  For these people, the lifestyle choice is not based upon sex or control.  Rather, it is a matter of the heart.

Estimates are weak in terms of the numbers or percentage of the population that truly is poly.  I heard claims that there are somewhere around 500,000 people in polyamorous relationships in the United States.  This number, according to some, is low when you consider the conditioning and promotion of monogamy by society at large.  How many more would embrace the poly life if our culture promoted it as an acceptable alternative?  Some claim that this number might reach 10% of the populous.

How does this compare to the BDSM community?  Based upon my informal survey on the internet, I think there are somewhere around 50% of the people who are seeking to live in some type of poly situation.  Compare this with a 10% number if society promoted poly as a reasonable alternative and one is left to conclude that something does not add up.

My belief is that either people who are involved in BDSM are a great deal more open minded about matters concerning the heart or there is something misleading about the statements people are making.  I make this claim because the numbers do not add up when compared to reasonable statistics in general.

Polysexual vs. Polyamorous

Poly is something that is easy to understand.  It simply means "more than one".  The question is more than one what?  Here we need to have a further understanding about the terms we are using.  Part of the statistical problem mentioned is because people are dealing with two definitions.

Polysexual means having sex with more than one person.  At the same time, polyamorous means being in love with more than one person.  Basically, when someone says they are poly, are they referring to sex or love?  That is where the big difference arises.

The polysexual community includes everyone who lives the open sexual lifestyle.  Swingers and porn stars fit into this category.  Their sexual escapades include numerous people (at least 2 others).  Sharing, swapping, and orgies are commonplace.  Bisexual encounters are also frequent.

Polyamorous people are those who focus more on the relationship aspect of things.  These are the ones who believe in love and commitment to more than one person.  While they may embark on the open sexual lifestyle, that is actually a rarity.  These people tend to have sex as a secondary issue.  Traditional arenas for polyamory is the Muslim and Mormon faiths.   Here a man (since the are male dominated disciplines) can have more than one wife.  The male is poly with monogamous wives.  Love is at the core of each of the relationships.

Poly and BDSM

This brings us to the BDSM community.  So, are upwards towards 50% of these people poly?  The answer lies in the definition.  They might be polysexual but they arent polyamorous.  In fact, these individuals are actually clueless about the poly lifestyle.  Their interest is in polysexual at best.

The classic example is a post where a M/s (or D/s, D/D) couple is looking to add another sub to their "poly" relationship.  What actually is occurring is that a Master is actually seeking to be a multi-slave owner.  He is not interested in creating a poly atmosphere.  The male wants two slaves while the female wants a sister and a bisexual lover.  That is what they are truly after.

In a true polyamorous situation, both relationships are given equal opportunity to grow.  One is not more important or given priority than the other.  Naturally, the second relationship trails the first in terms of familiarity and trust.  However, it also have the advantage of providing new energy (called NRE-New Relationship Energy) and excitement as compared to the first.  While the first person (slave in this example) has the knowledge of the Master, the second is given equal opportunity over time to become just as trusted.  Naturally, we do not see this in most of those offering poly BDSM relationships.

Alpha Slave

The alpha slave is a term used to describe the slave who is the head of a household in a multi-slave situation.  Traditionally, it was when there were a plethora of servants that one was placed in charge to make sure all tasks were completed to satisfaction.  This person was the de facto "Mother Hen".  It was her job to tend to all the other slaves while keeping them in line.  This freed the Master from the responsibility of discipline and micro mangement.

Many in the BDSM world claim they are being set up as alpha slaves.  They believe that their place is the incumbent slave entitles them to prestige over the newer person arriving.  This is bunk.  To start, in the M/s world, few have so many that they need an alpha slave.  Besides, who says the present slave has the ability to become a leader among slaves.  In fact, there is a chance the newer person is 10 times the slave the first one is.  She might be more obedient, knowledgeable, and talented.  Perhaps the second one is more qualified as the alpha slave.

Instead, the alpha slave is a method used for the first slave to keep her place between the newer one and the Master.   Typically, there is a long term relationship (possibly a marriage) in place when they go seeking another.  The first doesnt want to lose her status.  Anyone new is a threat.  In fact, there are many who state that if one is to go it is the new one.  Again, if it is true polyamory, one cannot make that assertion.  Each relationship exists on its own merit.  The success or failure of a slave depends upon her interaction with the Master, not on the other slave.  If one is to go, it is the one who doesnt meet the expectations established by the Master regardless of the number of years with him.

A Third Wheel

In the end, most of the people seeking poly are only interested in a third wheel.  As mentioned, the Master is interested in owning multiple slaves while the existing slave wants a sister.  The new person is nothing more than a third wheel to their arrangement.  She is there to perform tasks and enter into their sexual games.  That is all.  While this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement for anyone who is willing to enter it, one needs to be aware of what she is agreeing to.  To think that she is going to have an equal opportunity with the Master is foolhardy if this is the situation.  Most Masters are not polyamorous.  The existing relationship is the one that they will side with and not let go of.  The other slave, since she has no idea how to exist in a true poly situation, will eventually do things that will sabotage the newer relationship.  In the end, the new one is out since her relationship with the Master was never given a fair chance to develop.  She came in as and was always treated as a third wheel.  

The situation failed because it wasnt poly to begin with.  

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Poly Lifestyle in BDSM

As I travel around the 'net, I see many who are looking for someone to join their "poly" family. Usually, this scenario involves a couple seeking a bi female. What I started to wonder is how many of these people are actually offering a poly relationship versus those seeking a playmate.

Truly Poly

How many people are truly poly? That is a number that is impossible to calculate. However, there are some estimates that place the number of people involved in poly relationships at somewhere around 1 million in the United States. Of course, most poly advocates believe that the number would be substantially higher if not for the negative social conditioning that we have in this country.

Before going any further, it is important to define what we are saying when we mean "poly". From my understanding, there are basically two types of relationships that people are referring to when mentioning this word. The first, and probably most common, is polysexual. This is where a couple has an open relationship sexually. They will include other people in this capacity but the primary "love" relationship still remains in tact.

This differs from polyamorous which involves loving more than one person. Under this relationship, the emotional attachment is not just relegated to the primary relationship. The individuals are free to choose intimacy with other people. Here, sex is secondary. The emotional attachment is what these people are seeking.

One of the biggest differences between the two is that in polyamorous relationships, one of the parties needs to be poly. What that means is that he or she has the ability to love more than one person simultaneously. Compare that with polysexual where each person has the ability to screw another. However, that does not mean either party is polyamorous.

Poly In BDSM

What does the typical scenario look like in the BDSM world where poly is involved. As mentioned, I believe the most common situation is where a couple decides they want to invite another person (usually a woman) into their relationship. Here we have a woman who is bisexual thus they seek out another bi woman to complete their "family". Wrapped within the boundaries of BDSM, we find that our couple is seeking a submissive female to play with the dominant male and switch female.

It is at this time that we should distinguish what is transpiring here. While this is referred to as poly, it actually is a polysexual situation. Some will try to pass it off as polyamorous. However, the hierarchical makeup removes that argument. In this situation, even if the first woman is not a Domme (or switch), she is higher up on the chart because of her relationship with her man. This is magnified if they are a married couple since there is the commitment level to each other. The new person is being added as a "third wheel". She is not on equal footing. The primary relationship remains uneffected.

As mentioned earlier, the odds are that the male (in this situation) is not polyamorous. He emotional connection is to his wife/girlfriend while the other person is added as a playmate. While not stated, this is shown to be true whenever emotional connections arise outside of the primary relationship. The first woman will put an end to it if she sees another relationship forming that rival hers. It is important to remember that most are agreeing to polysexual only. They still believe the "love" is reserved for them.

V and Triad

A polyamorous relationship has a completely different makeup. Under this type of relationship, there is one person who is poly. If you picture a V in your mind, this person would occupy the intersection of the two lines. (Let us use a male for our example) The lines of the V symbolize the relationship with the two women who each occupy a spot at the end. Thus, a V is formed when it is drawn out.

A triad relationship is made by joining the two women together. This can occur if an intimate relationship develops between the two of them. Oftentimes, they are just friends but others, they are involved sexually and/or romantically. This is how a relationship moves from a V to a triad.

Notice that the idea here is that equality is maintained in the sense that there is no primary relationship. Each relationship is equal to the other in polyamorous situations. Naturally, hierarchies can be established when the domination/submission aspects of BDSM are mixed in. However, polyamorous means there is equality between both relationships.

But She Is My Wife

This is where most will stray off the reservation. When challenged with the proper definitions, a man will proclaim that nobody is going to be able to compete with his wife. She is the one he married and that is where his commitment is. For this reason, I feel that people are misleading when mentioning they are seeking a poly household. What they are after is a third sex partner. That is all. While they will be friendly with her, the fact remains that nothing is going to penetrate the initial relationship. Most who claim to be poly actually cannot the emotional attachment with two people. What they really want is open-ended group sex.

I bring this up to all who are considering joining another couple to be a part of the poly "family". What are you truly getting into? This is something that I see happening all the time yet most are surprised when things go awry. They felt they were entering into a situation where they were going to be involved with two people. Naturally, they are sexually; emotionally is a different story. Submitting to him actually means submitting to her also.

What About M/s?

M/s is an area where poly is less problematic. I believe the nature of a M/s relationship is the reason for this. Whenever one lives as a slave, he or she is committed to living for the other person. During the power exchange, it is agreed that the Master (Mistress) will do as he or she sees fit. Oftentimes, this involves bringing in other people. This could be sexually or emotionally. The choice is up to him or her.

In addition, the "primary" relationship contains a built-in hierarchy. Since it fundamentally is one of power exchange, the slave has no say in how other relationships are structured. This is not the case in the vanilla world or even in the D/s arrangements I have seen. If you want to see the elimination of the hierarchy, witness the behavior of a wife (even if submissive) when her husband gets swept up in the new relationship energy that is created. Her eyes will be filled with green.

While there is the chance of this in the M/s world, many slaves are trained to put their wants and desires secondary. They live a life to please the one they serve. If taking on another person is what he or she wants, then that is how it is. Most end up happy that Master is happy. For this reason, I believe there is a greater acceptance of another while placing that person on equal footing.

Most Are Just Play

The bottom line is that I believe most are not seeking a true poly situation. Instead, they are simply seeking a third to join them for sexual adventures. They will use the guise of poly in an effort to take things to another level. However, as was shown, there is no equality among the same sex parties. The truth is that the new relationship will always be deemed secondary.

Be careful of what you are entering into. I would suggest questioning the people you are getting involved with. Ask them if you are going to be expected to take a back seat to what they already have established. I would say that most times you will have to. If this is acceptable to you, then you are ready to move forward. However, if you are seeking something greater, then you might want to reconsider.

The truth is that most poly situations do not work out because people have misleading impressions of what will happen. Poly is a very difficult way to live. While it is rewarding, it requires a lot of effort on all parties involved. The poly one is responsible for monitoring how much time and interaction is given to each person. At the same time, jealousy is something that the other two will deal with on a regular basis. All these issues can be worked out but they require focus, attention, and a lot of communication. Playing is easy; having a happy poly household is not.

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Love, Intimacy, & Sex

This is not really a post that is isolated to the BDSM community. In fact, it is something that I am sharing that pertains more to the poly community. However, since many within this lifestyle find themselves faced with similar circumstances, I feel it beneficial for all.

Together Or Separate

Love, intimacy, and sex are three parts that exist within a relationship. We can experience any variety within a relationship or none at all. What is present is up to the individual and can actually differ between the two people. None are contingent upon any of the others although people will often claim they are. In the end, it all comes down to individual beliefs.

Love is a feeling that we have for another person. People will claim it comes in many different forms but I believe love is simply wanting the best for another without anything in return. True love is the accepting of a person exactly how they are. It is present regardless of the circumstances and comes without strings. This is something that one gives freely without being earned; it is unending.

Intimacy is the connection between two people at a particular moment. Unlike love, which is unending, intimacy is a closeness in time that comes from complete sharing with another. There could be a physical dimension to the experience although that is not always true.

Sex is a physical act between two people. That is it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. At the most basic level, it is the method we use to reproduce our species. Man, unlike other members of the Animal Kingdom, also engage in this activity for pleasure. One derives physical satisfaction from having sex (or at least really good sex).

Belief System

Our beliefs come into play in what we experience. Many seek to fulfill their needs by looking for these in a primary relationship. What they fail to realize is that they are available in many different relationships.

When we mention the word "love", most simply jump to the idea of a primary relationship. Certainly, love is a component of this relationship. However, there are many different people that we love. We have parents, children, aunts, uncles, and close friends. These are all individuals that we love unconditionally.

This is where the disagreement comes in regarding poly. Society wants to promote the idea of a monogamous relationship. However, as you can see, when it comes to love, everyone is poly. Of course, society answers by stating that romantic love is different. To me, this is an absurd idea. How can anyone place a cap on love? Is there only a certain amount you have for your spouse? If you run out, is it time for a divorce? I do not think so.

The polyamorous world uses the analogy of loving a child. If a parent loves his or her child completely, is that love diminished if another child is born? Does the first child have to share the love with the new sibling? Is the total love divided up equally between the two children? Any parent with multiple children knows this is not true. There is an unlimited amount of love to share with the children.

We see the same idea apply to those who are poly. They have an unlimited amount of love to share with their partners. Adding a second lover does not diminish the love for the first. What is diminished is the time one is able to spend with each person. This is because time is a finite commodity. Love is not. But then again, add a second child and the time factor is present there also.

Nevertheless, when it comes to our belief system, most of us were taught that "romantic" love is finite and designed to be shared with only one person. I challenge anyone to show me how love changes.

Love Meaning Intimacy

When people talk about love, they are often referring to intimacy. They allude to the connection felt with another (usually a romantic interlude) during a romantic moment. Often, this involves sex. This is where most feel they experience love.

The truth is that they were being intimate. This is a deep connection with another person felt at a particular time. Of course, there are many times we are intimate with people without being sexual. There are a few friends I have with whom I had deep, intimate moments with over the years without anything physical occurring. The complete and honest sharing created a level of intimacy between the two of us. Sometimes, I found these situations to be more emotionally charged than my romantic relationships. That is how powerful these moments can be.

Now, the question arises, did I love these people? The answer is yes. However, my love exists even when I am not with them. The same is true for a romantic relationship. A husband loves his wife even when they are not in the presence of each other. However, intimacy is experienced in the presence of another. It is an outpouring of the love between the two of you. To me, it is the intimacy of a relationship that really gets the juices flowing.

Where Does Sex Fit It?

This depends upon one's belief system and how he or she is conditioned to believe. Since, I feel that most people are unaware what they are experiencing, I think their beliefs are irrelevant anyway. Since few take the time to look in themselves, I believe they are blind to what occurs within them.

Sex is an individualistic activity. The meaning that we apply to it varies from person-to-person. Actually, many times, a person will alter how he or she feels about sex. For example, a pornstar might feel intimacy and love when having sex with a spouse but being physical when on set. Personally, sex is not when I really feel intimacy. Again, it is a physical act. What occurs afterwards in terms of the aftermath is where I feel intimacy.

Many are conditioned to believe that sex cannot occur without the intimacy and love. This is a belief that is not only wrong, it is impractical. Let us use the confines of marriage as an example. Does the sex within this institution always involved intimacy? Of course not. There are times when she gives in only to appease him. She is counting down the minutes, hoping he finishes soon. The act is nothing more than a physical way to get release. Yet this woman still loves her husband and does feel the intimacy with him at other times. However, it is impractical to think it will happen all the time.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist because people looked that the ideals society espouses and consciously determines that something different is needed. We all do not fit into the same mode. Looking at our views on love, intimacy, and sex, we realize that much negotiation is needed with ourselves and others. Whenever we are entering into a primary relationship, we need to consider how the other person feels about these things. Living life as we see fit is our personal responsibility.

I am one who is involved in a multitude of alternative lifestyles simultaneously. This means that I often encounter people who look at things differently than I do. There are so many who are open to some of what I am involved in but then flee when they find out the entire truth. This is the nature of my reality but a course that is right for me. I know that I have plenty of love in my life while sharing intimate moments with those who are not sexual partners. Also, sex is something that can make me closer to a person or an act that is for enjoyment and release. I do not feel the need to always place a great deal of importance on it.

Finally, my BDSM lifestyle sees me as a poly person. I believe in the unending nature of love. For that reason, I know that it is possible to have more than one. For this reason, I consider my polyamorous. I have experienced both "V" and "triad" situations. Nevertheless, conforming to one certain idea does not work for me. I seek fulfillment in many different relationships all of which add to my life. This might be contrary to society's views, but then again, it believes that one only experiences love, intimacy, and sex with the same person. This is a belief that I cannot buy into. I only hope you take the time to question your outlook in this area.

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Poly Lifestyle

Poly simply means more than one. This is the basic definition that so many refer to when talking about lifestyle choices. However, what does it mean when one says that he or she is "poly"? This is a loaded question that requires some further explanation.

To start, there is a difference between being poly in the sense of relationship and having play mates. Threesome fit the basic poly definition yet, as you will see, fails further scrutiny.

Polygamy is probably to most well known form of poly lifestyle. Made famous in the U.S. by the Mormons, this means means multiple marriages. Polygamists claim the right to have more than one spouse and living within multiple families. Obviously, there is a commitment level that extends past just the sexual. This is a lifestyle that is lifelong according to their beliefs.

Polysexual is another facet of poly that is used to describe one who has more than one sexual partner. Again, we are not referring to the weekend threesome or gangbang. Polysexual means that are involved sexually with more than one person at the same time (without referring to group sex). Just think of it as meaningful sex with a couple people that you see on a regular basis.

Polyamorous is the latest in the poly family. This means that one is emotionally involved with more than one person at a time. Most times, this involves expressing those feelings sexually. Under this lifestyle, there is that thing called "love". In other words, there is a deeper emotional connection with each person. Time is spent developing the each relationship towards a further end.

So which aspect is best? That is entirely up to the individuals. Like most lifestyle choices, the door is wide open. Many within the BDSM community are also poly. However, there is a major difference between being polyamorous and swinging. Swingers are into sexual play. A true poly is into having a relationship with the other people. This is where it seems to be agreed the difference comes in. One is based upon sex, the other emotions. Even polysexuals seek to have a bit deeper meaning to each of their sexual relations.

I term myself "poly" since I refuse to live a life where I am restricted to just one relationship. At the same time, I am also a swinger because I will periodically partake a swinger's party. Both are lifestyle choices that I am involved in but they are two separate genres. Just because one swings, that does not make him or her poly. As you can see, a bit more is contained other than just getting it on with a couple different people.

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