The Depth of BDSM

Sebastian Junger wrote a book called War detailing his experiences in Afghanistan with a platoon of 30 men. What struck this man is that, upon returning home, the soldiers miss the field even those it was "the worst possible experience". Many people seem to conclude that people of this ilk are adrenaline junkies who are addicted to the 'high'. The truth is they miss the brotherhood.

Many who have served and saw combat will refer to the camaraderie that developed between the other members of the platoon. Even people who did not particularly like each other, soon forgot their differences when the enemy was in front of them. The truth is that each person knows that his life depends upon everyone else. Nobody exists on a solo platform there. To come back alive, it takes participation of everyone.

The Depth

Can you imagine the depth of these relationships? While I am certain it is spoken about, the feeling is definitely there in the short term. Perhaps it is something that exits a person once he or she returns to the safety of home. However, while in the depths of the battleground, the bond between these people is unshakable.

How does any of this pertain to BDSM? The reason why I mention it is because it is my experience that this is what happens in many BDSM relationships, especially those who are built around the extreme exchange of power. Once an individual truly has the life of another in his/her hands, then that takes the relationship to a deeper level.

My opinion is that BDSM relationships ultimately, when allowed to develop over time, will strike at a much deeper level than a traditional one. The power exchange component is something that is powerful in nature. While it creates an atmosphere of dependence on the part of the submissive one, it also causes him or her to focus attention solely on the needs of the other. This is something that will instantly separate one from the traditional idea.

Love

Many people ask me if one will love a slave. Certainly, I do not speak for every relationship out there and there are many foundations upon which they are built. However, in the vast majority of the situations I was privy to, I do believe that a form of 'love' was present. Now I will state that this is an emotion that I feel differs from the traditional love that exists between spouses. While this can be present, I sensed again that it is something deeper.

Those who study any of the Far Eastern philosophies knows about the Chakras. Using them as examples, I will state that the common belief is that love is located at the heart. This makes sense and many things in our Western culture reflect this idea. At the same time, there are many who proclaim matters of the heart are more powerful than intellectual (i.e. mind) ones because the heart is located deeper in the body. Are you with me so far?

Using this logic, the belief continues to the concept of the 'gut'. It should not surprise anyone that this area is located precisely where all those extra beers reside. For those who do over indulge on a regular basis, then you will not have a problem pinpointing this part of your body. And, since this is lower than the heart, we are taught to 'listen to our guts'.

Therefore, intellect resides in our mind, love in the heart, and instinct in the gut. Traditional relationships operate on the love level (once they get past the sexual stage which is located....well you can venture a guess at that one). This is the creme-de-la-creme. All those people who are deeply in love with their significant other has a deep heartfelt connection. Their love is true.

Domination/Submission

Which brings me to my final lesson. Where does domination and submission reside? At what level do people operate when one enters into a BDSM relationship? Is it the heart, mind, or instinct level? Certainly, there has to be a place for it.

My belief is that power exchange relationships are more powerful simply for the fact that they strike a chord that is lower in one's body. Using the chakra idea, the location of one's domination or submission is at his/her core. And to me, I find that this is located right below the navel at the level of the pubic hair line. This is why I feel that many newer people are overwhelmed with sexual feelings once entering the BDSM lifestyle. If you notice where it is located on the body, it is easy to see why one would misinterpret what is being felt.

Therefore, when one has his/her domination or submission fulfilled, that is a lot more powerful than love. Just like there is power in the heart, I feel there is more that emanates from the 'pubic chakra' (for lack of a better word). We see how the heart is stronger than the mind and the instinct overrides the heart. Using this same philosophy, the fulfillment of domination and submission is equally overpowering. This is what creates the incredible depth.

Multiplies Everything

Obviously we know there are certain qualities that are present in every healthy relationship. Things such as honesty, trust, candor, and compassion are often mentioned. And rightly so. A healthy relationship will have all of these things and more. However, I found that the depths of a BDSM relationship, specifically M/s, multiplies these qualities also moving them to a greater level.

Let us use trust as an example. In my situation, my slave has access to my financial affairs. She utilizes my debit card when she does the shopping for the house. I trust her to spend wisely within the parameters I established and not exceed it. Anything that she desires or needs outside of that is requested for. That is how it works.

You might reply, 'Big Deal. Most married couples are like that.' Well it trust takes on an added twist when you recognize that she is dependent upon me for everything including life's basic necessities. It is my responsibility to feed and clothe her. Her entire paycheck becomes mine. This requires a substantial amount of trust that I will not only provide for her but also that I will not waste it. There are many who are financially illiterate. She needs to trust me that she will be taken care of in all instances.

Obviously this example does not do justice to the feelings that I am mentioning. Some things are outside the bounds of our vocabulary. Thousands of writers have tried to articulate the essence of love without sufficiency. This falls into a similar category. Whatever emotional power love contains, the feelings associated with true domination and submission is proportionately more powerful. To find this out, ask anyone who was in a long term M/s relationship. They will often point to the depth of the feelings and the emotional connection to another person.

I will close by stating that I feel I have the same connection to my slave as the men in combat do to their peers. This journey is one that I am not walking alone. For me to dominate, I need someone who is submissive. And for her submission to be fulfilled, she needs a dominant. However, unlike battle, this is something that continues ongoing. That is the depth of BDSM.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

The Old Way of Judging

"What is wrong with me?"
"I must really be twisted."
"I am really sick."

These are all statements I heard uttered by people as they delve deeper into the lifestyle. For those approach this in the proper way, there are many things about oneself that unfolds. Of course, over time, we might uncover some things which we never thought possible. That is why I really believe that most limits are nothing more than mental roadblocks. Most can be overcome in time. That being said, true limits are also a part of the BDSM process and establishing those boundaries are important.

Society's View

I regularly write about the impact that society has on each of us. We are all products of our environment to one degree or another. From the start, those around us are influencing everything about us. What we wear, foods we like, careers we choose, and beliefs are all dictated by the people who are closest to us. At the same time, the marketers and other power brokers in society lay claim to another aspect of influence. In short, we do not grow up and operate in a glass bubble. Everyday we are impacted by others around us.

This means that we tend to adopt the common outlook of society. Few take the initiative to really consider what he or she believes. Most of us simply 'drink the Kool-Aid' without question. Dogma is powerful because we so readily accept it. Blind faith is something that we are told to strive for. This, in my opinion, is a clear path to slavery (and not the kind we practice in the BDSM world). Every decision we make that is at the request of someone else is giving our power away. We cease being individuals instead enlisting in the collectivism mindset.

Take Back Control

So, what is wrong with you? The short answer to that is 'nothing'. Those who seek a path in the BDSM world are exercising the natural right to decide for oneself what is best. We are all different people. Thus, creating a model that works for everyone is impossible. Even within the BDSM community we see tremendous difference in what people desire. Some are into hardcore degradation and submission while others prefer a much more traditional set up. Whatever your flavor is, the important thing to remember that is it yours.

The key to taking control back from society is to start making choices of what you want and stop judging yourself (and others) based upon those old concepts. Sure, society thinks a lot of things are perverted. It does not mean they are correct. The truth is that it labels things in this manner as a means of controlling your behavior. Introducing taboos is an effective methodology for preventing people from engaging in certain actions. Most want to conform, a step necessary to fit in. Failure to do so means that one risks being ostracized. This is something that most lack the self esteem to accept.

Individual thinking requires a great deal of strength. It is easy to drink the Kool-Aid and swallow whatever society promotes. There is no risk in that other than sacrificing your entire life. Strength means stepping out onto your own path and following it in spite of the opinions of others. The barometer that is used is not based upon old principles but, rather, the truthfulness that exists within you. This is how we can break free from the guilt-driven control exerted by society.

No Limits

I love the term 'no limits'. It is a concept that conjures up total freedom in my mind. Now, in practicing safety in all my messaging, I will state that everyone has limits which need to be recognized. My intention is not to give the wannabes ammunition to engage in abusive behavior. Safety is always a top priority and there is a point where a sub/slave cannot take anymore. That is called a limit.

What I am referring to is the mental state where one removed all roadblocks. In other words, everything is on the table and nothing prejudged. Sure, society might consider it taboo but if it is your thing, explore it. Of course, I will also caveat here to state that mental exploration and actual engaging in an activity are two different things. The point is that most people negate ideas simply because they are closed minded. The idea is to open yourself up to all that is possible.

For example, many are instantly turned off by watersports. I meet so many who wont even entertain the thought. Yet, once the seed is planted in his/her head, it suddenly starts to grow. After a short period of time, one actually wants to try it. This is in keeping with a submissive nature so why not go for it. Society will call you all kinds of names but you need not be concerned with with what it thinks.

Certainly, one might try this particular activity and find it lacking. That is fine. A person is not going to like everything. However, one might also find that he or she is extremely turned on by it. Thus, by passing on the old judgment system, this individual found something that was enjoyable to him or her.

We need to remember that often the limits we established are based upon the old social conditioning that I mentioned earlier. And, an interesting thing to note, most of society's outlooks will vary among different cultures. For example, in the U.S., we are sickened by the thought of eating dog. However, in many Oriental nations, it is a common meal. Since I have never eaten dog, how can I state whether it is good or not. I might emphasize I would never do that but that is a limit based upon my societal conditioning. To engage in that means I am succumbing to the traditional idea of what is considered normal.

This same concept applies to all areas. Certain activities are considered taboo. But, when you really consider it, the taboo is only in existence in a certain time and place. For example, did you know that during the Greek Empire an adolescent boy gained his first sexual experience by being sodomized by another male (now you know why it is called 'going Greek)? Of course, in our culture today, an act like that will get you extended prison time. It is totally taboo to treat a teenage boy in that manner. Yet, it was part of the culture in Greece many centuries ago. Our limit was their commonplace.

Remember this idea the next time you start to question what is wrong with you simply because you get turned on by some things that society tells you are wrong. It simply might not be the case.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

BDSM Community

Today I am going to touch upon the social site that I established some time back. This is not a shameless promotion but, rather, a post to educate you about the merits of what is occurring. I realize that many of you are already members there and are participating on a regular basis. However, I feel that many are still unaware that the site exists and what it is about.

Different From The Others

My co-administrator on the social site often mentions the 'Meat Markets' that the typical BDSM communities are. We all know that a site such as Collarme is infested with people who have no clue what this lifestyle is all about. Instead, it is nothing more than people who are either running scams, looking to get laid, or just downright immature. Whatever the motive, the percentage of people who are true and genuine there are in the single digits in my opinion.

At the same time, in reading the postings on Fetlife, there are many who are into role playing versus real life experiences. Now, do not misunderstand...role playing is wonderful in the proper setting. However, it is impossible to build a life around this. BDSM is so much more than that. Yet few people on that site seem to ever mention that.

The site I set up is a combination education and social medium. There are a number of people who share valuable experience about worthwhile topics which pertain to all aspects of the lifestyle. There are a cross-section of people from all over the world. My goal is to have a melting pot of ideas for people to learn from.

At the same time, one actually can interact with people who seem to carry a proper message. Experience is a personal thing. However, many seem to want to read a few blog posts and then move themselves to expert. This is a dangerous situation especially considering the fact that much of the information that people choose from is misleading to start. People end up parroting the lies.

In short, we have a different site developing. We seek to be the best not the biggest. Whereas other places go for the numbers, my aim is to provide the best and most accurate information possible. Because of this, I invite all of you to check it out. This is not a pay site but something that is free. It simply requires a signup of a username, password, and the answering of some basics questions. Go to http://anownedlife.socialparody.com and become of a part of it.

We look forward to seeing you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Society Is Uptight

This post comes from the perspective of an American. I know the views differ around the world. However, the overall consensus is that we are still extremely uptight about sex. This outlook carries over into any type of 'alternative' lifestyle. Anything that is different from the sexual norm is considered taboo.

Sexual Immaturity

I use the term immaturity because that is exactly how I view the perspective that society maintains. Overall, it is sage to say that we operate under a Judeo-Christian mindset. The religious institutions still maintain a great deal of power. Their influence extends into the bedroom with so many suffering from extreme guilt. Religions throughout the ages used sex to control the behaviors of the minions who are following. Consider this: if you can control what someone does in the privacy of their own homes, that is power. And these institutions exert tremendous power.

Few ever take the time to consider what they believe. They are 'Kool-Aid' drinkers to to the nth degree. The Pastor stated it so it must be true. That is their outlook. Religions historically engaged in extreme brainwashing starting at a young age. Hell, if we did that with BDSM and started indoctrinating children at the age of 5 or 6, we would be thrown in jail. But add in a religious element to change things completely.

Now, the point here is not to hammer religion which I could do for hours. My emphasis is to show how people are intolerant of anything outside their belief system. Sexual freedom is not something these people are high on. In fact, they are not lovers of freedom at all. Dogma is meant to do one thing: control. It is the most effective weapon on those who forgo their ability to think.

The bottom line is that sex has gotten a bad rap. It is amazing that something that is so pleasurable and necessary for the survival of the species was turned into an act that contains so much guilt. We see this in all aspects of society. Pornography is stigmatized and 'the work of the devil'. Nudity is considered taboo with people having to fight in court to be able to breast-feed in public (what is sicker than a society that will not allow a woman to feed an infant when needed?). Overall, people want to approach sex like it is a dirty family secret. Everyone knows it is there but few acknowledge it openly.

This outlook reminds me of the young teenager who gets his hands on his first 'girly' magazine. The immaturity level is astounding. To ignore something that is a basis of our life while turning it into a taboo is asinine. But that is exactly how society views it in general. Some are more open minded then others but, overall, vanilla monogamous sexual interludes within the confines of a committed relationship is what is expected. Anything outside of that norm is deviant and perverted.

BDSM

BDSM certainly falls into the category according to societal outlook. Those who enter this life with the urge to tell all about his/her decision quickly realize that open-mindedness is not a strong point of most people. I have seen many who had their families and friends turn away from them simply because of their choice to structure a relationship in a manner which differed from the norm. So much for that thing called 'unconditional love'.

I believe BDSM is a path that many find so as to be true to oneself. Society still believes in the myth of equality. However, many traveled that route only to find it lacking. Many of us do not want to live in a split power relationship. Whether one is submissive or dominant, I find that most 'true lifestyler' are simply being true to themselves. Their decisions are based upon what is correct for their cores. They do not develop this aspect of themselves but, rather, uncover it.

Nevertheless, once again, we see society telling us to go against what is natural. We are told that pursuing those feelings is wrong because to engage in that activity is a 'sin'. So people have a neurotic outlook regarding sex. At the same time, we are taught that there is one path to relationship happiness and that is the traditional one man and one woman. Forget everything outside of that. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and polyamorous relationships are all out. So, too is anything that deals with whips, chains, and paddles. This is not considered normal.

In conclusion, society is uptight about matters pertaining to sex. Remember this the next time you have the urge to tell someone of your alternative lifestyle. They will not be as accepting as you might think. Power exchange is not something that most are taught. Of course, and this is a final swipe at the world religions, what other organization has historically been as sexually biased towards woman and implemented a more rigid power breakdown? Hypocrisy is the word that comes to mind. But, again, that is a different subject altogether.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Slut Does Not Equal Slave

So many equate the idea of being a slut to that of being a slave. If it were only that easy. The world of difference between a slut and a true slave is too large to describe. Nevertheless, I will touch upon some of the highlights in an effort to clarify this misconception.

Sex Slave

I once told a girl that the mindset of a slut came natural to her....the mindset of a slave was what she needed to work on. Her entire adult life was spent either thinking about screwing or getting screwed. This was not a problem for this woman. She knew how to accomplish this end. It was the mindset of living totally as another one's property that threw her.

So many mention the idea of living as a sex slave. To them, this is what it is all about. They equate slavery with being screwed every which way. Many will cite the fantasy of being shared by the Master with all his friends. Of course, my first question is what does he get out of it? Certainly there are many who are into that and like to see slaves used by others. However, the one with this fantasy (the slave) is interjecting her wishes and desires as opposed to considering what a Master would like. What if she is with one who doesn't want that? Did this ever occur to our willing slave?

The answer is 'no'. It seems a person of this ilk is drawn to this lifestyle because she wants to be used by multiple people. Sexual submission is what she is after but only for what she receives. She wants to slut around. It is that simple. Now bear in mind I am not stating there is anything wrong with this approach. My point is that it is not the mindset of a slave. One who wants to be used sexually is into sexual exploration. There is a difference.

Slave Knowledge

Being a slave is not an overnight affair. I have utmost respect for those who are able to adopt the mindset of a slave because I know how difficult it is to achieve. There is a great deal more than one believes when he or she encounters this lifestyle. Living totally for another person is something that goes against the basic nature of an individual. The human ego resists this adoption at every turn. We are taught to consider ourselves and how things affect us. A slave has a completely different outlook.

Sex is only the proverbial tip of the iceberg when it comes to submission. Giving your life over to another means that everything is on the table. What is yours is his. It is that simple. All decisions rest with him. Therefore, the domination entails all aspects of life. A slave does not receive even the most basic of freedoms without permission. Children have more latitude than a slave. For example, they can go to the bathroom when nature comes calling. A slave often needs to ask permission. Another example is in the financial arena. Did you consider what it is like to have no money of your own? All assets acquired are his. This is the nature of the beast. Thus, if you are seeking to live as a slave, remember that anything purchased needs to be with his approval.

A slave needs to adopt a completely selfless mindset. For many, this can take years. It is a slow process. As mentioned, the ego cries out loudly against this. Those who believe that sexual submission is all there is to it are mistaken. That is the easy part. Just because one is submissive, that does not make her a slave. Many choose the D/s lifestyle because M/s is too difficult to achieve. The vast percentage are better suited to live that way. They have the basic desire to submit yet still want to maintain some control. This is a better fit for people of this nature.


Being a slut only require the willingness to get used sexually. To be a slave, one is required to be used in any way the Master sees fit. Please try to understand the difference.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Online Know-It-Alls

The Internet is a central piece of our lives in the 21 st century. This medium has altered how we communicate. BDSM, being involved in the real world, is no exception to this change. Our lifestyle has moved from an underground idea to something that is a bit more mainstream. Ultimately, I feel it was the Internet which moved us to the forefront.

Double-Edged Sword

We see both the good and the bad with the Internet. The positive aspect is that we have the ability to interact with people from all over the world. In years past, the BDSM connections were limited to local munches that were advertised in some of the non-mainstream publications. The society was much more closed at that time with an invite often being required. People commonly referred single people to others in an effort to help facilitate connections. In short, it was a difficult road to travel.

At the same time, the standard was higher in the sense that one knew whomever was involved was genuine to this way of life. People were truly 'lifestyle' in the sense that this was not something they played with. The difficulty in meeting and interacting with others meant that few were playing games. One's approach was that of sincerity and openness since the need to protect oneself was not as great. Certainly, safety in scenes was always a concern. However, one did not question the validity of a dom or sub that was encountered at a munch.

The Internet radically altered that landscape. Today, we are more visible. This enabled many more people to find this way of life who previously would be precluded. A distinct advantage was gained by everyone in the community by this widespread acceptance. The anonymity of this medium enables people to be open about who they are without jeopardizing their 'vanilla' situations. We are opening the minds of many people who are now realizing the wonderful benefits to this life.

Sadly, this came with a major price. It is a simple fact that one has no clue who he or she is dealing with when interacting online. The same anonymity which protects one from the outside world also enables one to hide from those of us inside the lifestyle. Many create facades which in no way resemble who they are. A persona can be created in a matter of minutes. It is that easy. Of course, those who are experienced often are able to see through these games. However, the newer people do not have the same advantage. The bottom line is that everyone needs to be approached with a degree of suspicion because it is truly impossible to know who is on the other end of the World Wide Web.

Know-It-Alls

Another drawback to the Internet is that it gives everyone a voice. Of course, on the surface this is a terrific thing to have happen. Today, we are exposed to the opinions and viewpoints of many people. This can be most helpful to those seeking knowledge. The experience of others is invaluable to a newer person first approaching this lifestyle. For that reason, we welcome all input.

Nevertheless, there is a price to be paid. The online world does not discriminate. By that I mean that nobody is screened regarding their credentials. Anyone can express their opinions in open forums. Many are skilled at making it appear to be experience. However, just because one states it, that does not make it correct. There is a great deal of misinformation that is transmitted out there. And, sadly, people take it as fact.

A big part of the problem is the 'online know-it-alls'. There are those who are regulars on forums and posting sites who pass their knowledge off as gospel. While much of the information might be accurate, the truth is that oftentimes these individuals are nothing more than parrots. The Internet is full of people who do nothing more than read what is posted on other sites and transmit this to others. I, personally, have seen my posts cut and pasted under the name of another. While this is helpful in a text book fashion, in an ongoing dialogue it is worthless since the individual is expressing no experience.

As was mentioned before, just because one states it, that does not make it true. I see so many who call themselves 'slaves'. They proclaim to be living in a M/s relationship. However, this might not be accurate. Some believe that it is up to an individual(s) to live as they see fit. I agree with that idea. But, I do not agree that everything is open to interpretation. For example, to be a M/s relationship, there needs to be a Master and a slave. In my opinion, to qualify as a slave, one must be submissive. This simple fact seems to elude many of those online. If you read what they write, it appears they are the ones in control of their relationship. This is not what submission is about. Yet these same 'slaves' will spend hours online counseling others. Absurdity at its finest.

Another situation we encounter is the 20 something crowd who states they have a ton of experience. Seriously, how many people find this lifestyle at the age of 14 or 15. While I acknowledge there are a few, most do not find it until their late 20s or 30s. We simply do not start the search until we have enough realization that the traditional path doesn't work. This takes time. A decade of experience cannot be smashed into a year or two. It is impossible.

Nevertheless, the online world has the know-it-alls who are barely out of college stating what is fact and fiction. They espouse all their wonderful experience. Of course, their present relationship is referred to continually as what the standard is. There are never any problems with them. Everything is peaches and cream. This is the first sign that these people are not dealing in reality. Relationships of any kind are difficult. A BDSM relationship is no exception. Sadly, these people do not point this fact out.

The bottom line is that any information you encounter needs to be cross-referenced with other ideas that are out there. Whenever you are interacting with someone, search out all he or she wrote. Read the words and concepts espoused over a period of months or years. Is there consistency or not? Does what this person says make sense? Do not overlook the value of commonsense in filtering out the crap. If one says she is 23 yet has a decade of BDSM experience, how likely is that? Ask yourself these questions. They will save you a lot of emotional turmoil.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

'Accept Me As I Am'

I was speaking with a local Master over the weekend. Him and I were 'comparing notes' on the lifestyle. One thing that came up in the conversation was the idea that many slaves have that a Master should 'accept her as she is'. Of course, this concept did not go over very well with either of us.

Before going further, I will state that this guy I was talking with is an 'old timer'. He is around this way of life for more than 40 years. While I acknowledge that time does not necessarily mean that one knows anything, the truth is there is no replacing experience. And this gentlemen has a great deal of it.

TPE

One fundamental idea of mine about the M/s lifestyle is that it is based upon TPE. Many seem to take this notion as incorrect. However, this is what I feel separates M/s from a standard D/s relationship. Under the D/s scenario, the submissive maintains some control over what occurs in her life. This is not the case when one elects to life M/s. Here we have a lifestyle which all power resides within the hands of the Master. The breakdown of power is very clear.

Without this power structure, I feel one is engaging in more of a role play scenario. While this is wonderful if it is what one is truly seeking, the truth is that many want to live the extreme control dynamic for real. This means that both commit to an unequal relationship in this area. My experience is that few can truly live this way of life. But, for those that do, they understand what I am about to comment upon.

Total Power

When one has total power over another, that means that all decisions are based upon what he (she) thinks. That is the advantage to living in such an arrangement. Quite simply the slave exists for the pleasure and benefit of the Master. Everything falls under this domain. Anything is subject to his (her) approval.

This brings up the point of the 'accept me as I am' philosophy. To start, I sense that anyone who is proclaiming this does not have the proper mindset to be a slave. Sure she (he) might well be submissive. However, a person who believes this is better suited for a D/s relationship. In that scenario, one has the preference to make that statement. In M/s, it goes against the grain.

Fundamentally, the notion that a Master needs to 'accept' something about a slave without the ability to change it is wrong. A slave knows that all of her (him) is for Master. This is the basic essence of the M/s interaction. The exchange of power means that he is free to alter whatever he does not like about a slave. This is an expectation that any true Master has.

Whether it is weight loss, hair color, or career choices, a slave is not the one who decides that. Once a person enters into a M/s relationship as a slave, she gives up the option of making her own choices. Remember this before you get involved in something that is too much for you to handle. There is nothing wrong with living in a D/s relationship if that is what you are suited for. Better to be happy (and safe) then try to attain a level one is not designed for.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Complete Morons

Today we will have a bit of a rant about the intelligence level of our community. It is sad but the BDSM world is full of people who have no sense whatsoever. For years I have pondered why this is. The only explanation I can conjure up is because we are the 'last house on the block' for many.

Unable To Take Care of Themselves

How many people do we encounter in this lifestyle who can truly take care of themselves? Honestly. Consider that question for a while. It is something that is really worth exploring in detail. I undertook this expedition and was amazed what I found.

The truth is that few who we meet, especially online, are capable of providing for themselves. Most of the people suffer from so many things that it is almost impossible to straighten out. It is easy to see why most BDSM relationships fail in a short period of time. The majority of these people have absolutely no business being in a relationship whatsoever. Instead, they belong in therapy dealing with their emotional issues.

Before going any further, I will state that the statements I am making apply equally to those who are dominant as well as the submissive ones. It might be taken that only the submissive suffer from some of the ailments I am going to mention. That is not the case. Those who proclaim to be 'dominant' have just as many hang ups.

Immaturity

To start, the BDSM world has to be the most immature group of people I ever encountered. The whimers are so commonplace that it is a rarity to encounter one who accepts responsibility for what transpires. These people are like schoolchildren who have their pails taken in the sandbox. They scream and cry in an effort to get recognized. Of course, they also want justice. Nevertheless, until an adult shows up, the tantrum persists.

How often do we see this online? There are so many who behave in this exact manner. They are simply to immature to deal with real time interaction. Thus, they head to the virtual reality only to expose themselves as inept in this arena also. Few seem to know how to behave in a responsible, adult manner. Instead they whine about everything. If you doubt this statement, simply ask anyone who has moderated a BDSM site. You will be surprised about the stories you are told. Sadly, it is not all the new people doing the complaining. The old timers seem to be just as ornery about things.

Common Sense

Another reason that I conclude that most are simply complete morons is because they lack common sense. This is the natural ability to think through things in a sensible way. Nevertheless, I interact with so many who seem to lack the skillset to even get out of the rain without written instruction.

My favorite example is the subbie/slave who tells me 'Master does not like questions'. I cannot tell you the number of times I asked a person of this ilk about her Master, the one that she is going to move her kids in with, only to get this response. So, let me get this straight: you are going to move your family without knowing anything about the person you are move to? Duh. Are you stupid? Once again, common sense goes out the window.

Another one is believing all that one is told online. Here again, this applies to the dominants as much as the submissives. The truth is that the online world is an anonymous venue. People hide behind this reality and create whatever persona he or she wants. I once heard of a girl who has 18 collars. Now I am certain that at least a few of those 'Masters' believed what they had with this woman was real. They swallowed what she said hook, line, and sinker.

Common sense mandates that one take a lot of what is said with a grain of salt. Sure you can give people the benefit of the doubt. But do not take what they say as gospel. Also, if you find that one is 'attacking you', get over it. The truth is that most of the people you meet are nothing more than characters on a computer screen. Your interaction with them will never be more than that. So accept that as the reality of life.

Neurotic

Finally, most simply are neurotic. They have no dealt with psychological issues that are causing them emotional harm today. People seem to think that burying what happened is a way of dealing with it. That is not true. Unless one addresses the underlying issues of one's past, nothing will change.

For example, many on the submissive side tend to be heavy. Why is this? Well, in my interaction with numerous submissive types over the years, I learned that sexual abuse is also commonplace among people within this lifestyle. Therefore, many seem to deal with their abuse of the past by making themselves unattractive to others. This is a common psychological response to an unresolved issue such as this. Until one deals with the underlying neurosis, nothing will change.

Another area that is way off seems to be in regards to self esteem. People involved in BDSM tend to be always trying to compensate for poor self image. Again, we can point to the weight issue as one sign. Another is the pure arrogance on the part of dominants. These people are compensating for the fact that they truly think poorly of themselves. The idea of having someone to 'boss' around sits well with them. Of course, they do not have the ability to be responsible in this position. Those who are in a charge while having poor esteem tend to be abusive. Hence why there are so many horror stories that arise.

The bottom line is that it takes maturity, smarts, and commitment to make a BDSM relationship work. And, in my experience, there are so few who are able to operate at this level. I believe that looking at one's track record will yield signs as to his or her ability to succeed in this area. Sadly, most people you will encounter online do not have a stellar past. Keep this in mind when you are thinking about making a serious commitment to someone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Emotional Control=Maturity

Why do I title this post in this manner? Simple. Because a lack of emotional control equals immaturity. And that is what most in this lifestyle seem to major in. There are so many who behave in ways that is reminding of a toddler. I can picture some of these people sitting in their high chairs crying and tossing their food across the room. That is the behavior of many that I see, especially online.

Acting Like An Adult

Do you remember when two children would be on the playground playing in the sandbox when a fight would break out over the pail or shovel? The ensuing melee was filled with 'mine. mine. mine.' Of course, once the parental units arrived, it was explained to the youths that sharing was the proper way to interact. This concept was promptly met with 'but. but. but'. Eventually, either the child saw the wisdom on the adult viewpoint (usually after an explanation about leaving if the attitude didnt change) or the parent snatched the child out of the sandbox thus ending the day's festivities.

Another image that I want to conjure up is the child who is angry. Have you ever seen a 7 or 8 year old throw a temper tantrum? It is rather comical when you think about it. The child's face turns all shades of red, tears start flowing, the voice raises up to rock concert decibels, and things are thrown. Of course, the adult in the situation meets this tantrum with calm and force. Any mature person knows that it is a losing proposition to escalate and match the person who is out of control. Mature people behave like adults when dealing with children.

However, what happens when adults behave like children? The aforementioned examples might bring a smile to your face but it is easy to envision adults behaving in a similar manner. And, this is especially true among the BDSM crowd (although I really don't think them any different from the norm). The level of immaturity that I witness, especially online, is astounding. It is almost like dealing with a bunch of children. Now I know who pre-school teachers feel.

Control One's Fear

Behind all lack of emotional control is fear. Fear affects people in different ways. However, one thing that is universal is that fear spreads like a cancer. It causes people to go on the offensive. Battles take place online amongst people who never met with the same vigor that the Hatfields fought the McCoys. When you step back and realize the insanity of that behavior, you begin to understand the childishness of it all.

How important it is to be right? If you monitor the online activities, you are led to believe that being right is the most important thing in the world. People are continually having to save 'face'. This is a fear based action which we also see present in real life. Reputation is something that people place a great deal of concern upon. Sadly, this is just another way of saying that one places great weight on what others think. Once again, we see the child from within arising.

Emotional control means that one is able to rise above the situation and see it from afar. Truthfully, what does it matter what people think and write online. Being an author I can tell you people have panned my ideas in the most venomous of ways. Do I lose any sleep over it? Not in the least. When I write, the people who get enjoyment out of it are the ones that benefit. The others? Well they can just jump in a lake.

If I wanted to, I could engage in fearful thinking by considering how much my reputation is affected by those who disagree with me. This would lead me to believe that I needed to 'correct' them and show everyone how much smarter I am. Of course, this all would lead to a vicious cycle that is never ending. Ultimately, the one who would suffer is me.

Taking a mature approach to these situations is the only way to control the fear. Fear is cunning. It will take over without one noticing. Emotional control is how one stands out. Rising above the commotion while maintaining sanity is what gives one power. Online, the bar is set low in this regard. The behavior of the masses within the BDSM community shows that most lack the emotional ability to be involved with people in general. This is a statement I make after years of observation.

So, when you see me write about growth, sometimes I am referring to something as simple as 'growing up'.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.