There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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Where To Find The Lifestyle

Many go seeking this way of life. The search usually begins by visiting different web sites and blogs amassing information along the way. Sadly, much of this is misleading but that is a topic for another day. While traveling around the web, our prospect starts to interact with doms and subs encountered in the chat rooms. After some time, perhaps this individual will get into some type of online relationship.

The problem with this approach is that it is often externally focused. I have seen so many who get involved with a dom or sub (Master or slave) only to walk away from the lifestyle because of conflict within the relationship. The reason this happens is our new person put the cart before the horse. Dedication to another person occurs only after one commits to the lifestyle. This is how I found success in this lifestyle is created.

That being said, the search into this way of life begins with a journey inward. The truth is that both domination and submission reside within the person. It is not something that is discovered outside of oneself. That is not where it is located. Instead, it is the inner search which reveals the truth.

We chose a lifestyle which has the word "consensual" in its motto (Safe, Sane, Consensual). If this is a consensual way of life, how can one realistically have control over another? In reality, he or she is not able to do that. Domination exists only as long as their is consent. Without that, there is no relationship (we are assuming that one is not willing to engage in felonious activity such as kidnapping or hostage taking). Consent is required for success in BDSM.

I had a discussion with someone regarding ownership. After dwelling upon the conversation, I questioned what determines one to be owned. My conclusion is that one is owned as long as one believes it in his/her mind. The submission process exists while it is present in his or her head. Domination is the same way. As long as one mentally is dominant, then it is so. Changing the mindset removes the reality of these situations. Of course, it is helpful to have the mindset reciprocated. One cannot be dominant without another submitting. It takes two sides to make it so.

This might sound contrary to much of my writing. This is not the case. I am not advocating one taking the submission process lightly. Nor am I stating this is a game to be played with. That is part of the online garbage that I see on a regular basis. "Master shopping" is a pastime for many. These individuals are never in a "relationship" because they never fully commit mentally to any of these other people. To them, submission is handed out like compliments. It means nothing.

So, where does this leave one who is presently involved in a relationship? In my opinion, as long as you both are mentally committed to the roles of your particular relationship, regardless of external circumstances, then ownership is present. To me, this is part of being true to your domination or submission. Again, it takes both parties to make it so. Consent on the behalf of each is required.

When looking for the lifestyle in your relationship, simply look at the mindset of the two involved. Just assuming a title does not make one so. Domination requires certain acts, as does submission. Are those roles being fulfilled? If not, what is the mental outlook of each person? I see many who claim to be submissive, as an example, while having the behavior of a dom. Evidently, the overriding thoughts in this case are that of domination as opposed to submission.

Thus, journey inward to find the BDSM way of life. Your place in this lifestyle will quickly be revealed with a little personal reflection. Committing to another person is a voluntary choice. Remaining true to that choice is often difficult but does yield terrific dividends in most instances. As long as you both are mentally involved, domination or submission prevails.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

An Owned Life

I am very pleased to announce the release of the second edition of the highly successful, An Owned Life. This publication is changing how people think about the BDSM world and M/s in particular.

In this edition we reveal:

-The Three Step Submission Process
-How this life is consensual by both parties and nobody is forced into anything.
-Traits to look for in a Master and what constitutes a fake
-The psychology of controlling as opposed to using fear
-Common causes of failure of a M/s relationship

This is a lifestyle which offers so much to those who take the time to get through all the myths and misconceptions. There now is a book to arm yourself with all the knowledge you will need to make a sound choice about this way of life. It was written with the intention of dispelling all the garbage that exists regarding M/s.

It is a must read for all who are interested in a fulfilling alternative lifestyle.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

The Joy Of A New Life

It is always a pleasure to see new people adopt this lifestyle. Whether it is a married couple who decides to add some BDSM into their activities or witnessing one go into a 24/7 relationship, I am always struck by how people take to it.

My impression is that people who are in this lifestyle spend a great deal of time searching before finding it. Obviously, society does not promote our way of life as normal. In fact, it does all it can to dispel it by calling us names. Anyone who risks stepping outside the "norm" is an oddball.

I have seen so many who are involved in vanilla (traditional) relationships who have no business being in them. It is sad to see the lack of passion for life in those instances. These people followed the course which society claims would lead to happiness. Sadly, for them, it fails to lead to that end. Too many are miserable by being "normal".

Does that mean everyone belongs in a BDSM relationship. No. I have seen many who attempt to live this way of life who really were designed for the traditional mode. Simply, they were searching for something that BDSM was not going to give them. M/s as an example, takes a certain personal makeup to succeed. It is something that comes from within. Too many people try to adapt to this way of life. My experience is that it doesnt work that way.

That being said, when one who is designed for this way of life does find it, watch out. It is one of the most heartwarming things to witness. People are like kids at Christmas. Their eyes are opened to the wonder and awe which this lifestyle can offer. Many get the sense of finally "coming home". The freedom experienced is indescribable. It is something that I love to witness.

It takes a great deal of courage to throw off the shackles and try this way of life. Those who break free from their old life to enter this are commended for their decision. And, it is a joy to watch.



Click here for your version of An Owned Life.