Aftercare Part II

The other day I wrote about the importance of Aftercare as a part of the BDSM lifestyle that does not get enough attention. (Read post here) Aftercare is a topic that receives little attention but is crucial in dealing with the long-term psychology of a submissive.

Basically, Aftercare is exactly what it states. It is the care that a dominant gives to a submissive after a scene. This is an important step to ensure the safe "return" from the extreme that some submissive types can go to. Obviously, the more intense the scene, the more vital that Aftercare is.

Some of the aspects of Aftercare are: dressing wounds, removing accessories used during scene, circulating blood throughout the body especially to areas that were bound, and emotional support through dedicated interaction. For a more specific list, please read the previous post.

One thing that I failed to mention is the times that Aftercare is needed. Obviously, the default answer is that this is something that should always be done. Nevertheless, here are some times when it is imperative that Aftercare be given.

-When a new person is in the scene
-Interrupted scenes where there was a psychological break
-Highly charged scenes in terms of emotion or physical interaction
-Whenever a submissive had a "flashback"
-Excessive abuse whereby a safe word was overlooked
-Scenes with excessive humiliation especially if others are involved since this can take a toll on the sub's self esteem.

Whenever a scene moves into an "extreme" area, it is best to provide Aftercare. This will ensure the confidence of the sub/slave while enhancing the long-term viability of the BDSM lifestyle. Omitting this step often leads to one leaving this way of life since they end up feeling abused. Aftercare is the bridge from the scene back to everyday reality.

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Humiliation Activities Part II

My last post mentioned some ideas of humiliation activities that can be implemented into your BDSM play. As was mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this technique can take the form of either the physical or verbal. However, we need to be careful and ensure that a sub/slave is capable of psychologically handling the play.

Nevertheless, here are some more ideas which will help to stimulate your play.

-Wearing see through clothing only
-Putting the person in diapers/Depends
-Shaving of the head
-Watching you have sex with others.
-Orally cleaning you up after a sexual interlude with another (cleaning up the other person)
-Treating the person like a baby
-Cock and ball torture (males) tit torture (females)
-Renaming the sub/slave
-Spanking
-Face slapping
-Pats to the head like a dog
-Require males to wear a bikini top at the beach/pool
-Have submissive kneel with face to floor
-Stand and face the corner like a schoolchild

These are just a few more ideas which should help you along on your BDSM journey.

Click here to get your copy of Erotic Humiliation.

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Humiliation Activities

Erotic Humiliation is an aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. Both dominant and submissive parties often find their experiences enhanced by implementing this wonderful technique. As I mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this is something that both parties should be emotionally and mentally prepared for. Nevertheless, for those with the proper mindset, it is a fabulous way to emphasize the exchange of power that occurs within a BDSM relationship.

There are many ways to approach this technique. As explained in my book, there is both verbal and physical humiliation. Employing both facets will increase the pleasure derived from your scene.

Here are some ideas which can be used to "humiliate" a sub.

-Used as an object like a piece of furniture
-Having derogatory words like slut, whore, sissy, and cunt written on the body
-Made to dress like the opposite sex (especially effective with male subs)
-Require permission to do anything
-Withhold bathroom privileges or make him/her use the yard like an animal
-Make the sub eat out of a dog dish
-Strip him or her in front of others
-Have that person answer the door naked
-Pee or poo on the sub
-Have that person sleep on the floor
-Place him or her in a cage
-Blindfold
-Sexual interludes/servicing of others on command
-Naked in public

These are just a few ideas that you can implement. Over the next couple of days I will add more to this list for you.

Click here for your copy of Erotic Humiliation.

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Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental "wounds" should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

The bottom line is that it is a Dom's responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

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Online Behavior

In the last post I wrote about Respect for a Master. Today, I would like to delve a little more into the behavior a sub/slave shows online.

The Internet changed many facets of this lifestyle. It helped to take something that was deeply underground and bring it more into the mainstream. BDSM is now an acceptable choice for people to make without fear of total alienation by the majority of people. Kink is now in.

However, as I have expressed, there are many pitfalls presented by this newer medium. Without going into all the drawbacks, basically there is a tendency for people to behave in ways they ordinarily would not.

This is most evident when it comes to courage. Many people fail to have the inner fortitude to confront someone face-to-face. This all changes when online. People suddenly find they have "cyber-muscles". Dealing with situations is now within their grasp. Of course, this leads to an entirely different set of issues.

People who are do not confront issues in real life tend to be ill-equipped to handle conflicts online. Even with the cyber courage, these individuals lack the basic skills to constructively deal with these type of circumstances. This is why I see most of the behavior bordering on the childish.

To start, I believe that many who claim to be submissive online lack basic emotional maturity. This is a conclusion reached based upon travels through many different chat rooms and witnessing of the behavior. Plurk, Fetlife, and AFF all have the same types of people. Sadly, it seems those sites are populated with a bunch of 6 year olds.

What does all this have to do with respect for a Master? Simply, many of these people claim to have submitted to someone. Thus, they are a representation for somebody. If you ask me, these people are a complete embarrassment to the one who owns them. Their behavior is worthy is immediate release since no true Master in his right mind would be proud of this behavior.

A slave should always remember that she is a reflection of her Master. This is something that she should carry with her in everything that she does. Even though online is often nothing more than a bunch of fonts on a computer screen, her actions will be reflected upon her Master. Therefore, model behavior is required.

My opinion is that most slaves need to work on keeping their mouths (or keyboards in this instance) shut. Less is more. For whatever reason, I see so many who try to prove their worth or share their experience with others. Sadly, these are the ones who have little to nothing to fall back upon. They feel they can enlighten all new people with their 4 months of online BDSM experience. It is ridiculous and an embarrassment. I guess the only saving grace is that there is a better than average chance that this person's Master is a fake also.

Online is a wonderful way to interact with people while sharing a common lifestyle. However, those who advice is worthy of taking are the ones who are the hardest to get to. People with worthwhile experiences live this lifestyle offline as much as they do online. Those who live in front of the computer fail to show up for life. Unfortunately, these are the people who are all too willing to share every facet of their day.

Presenting a false image online is a reflection upon your Master. It shows that you are a dishonorable person. And, what does that say about His ability to choose?

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Respect for Master/Mistress

Again, this is one of those posts that is going to stray towards the more extreme end of BDSM. The M/s relationship is about as far as one can go in terms of the total exchange of power. As repeatedly mentioned, in M/s, this extends to every area of one's life. Compare that with a D/s situation where the control is usually limited only to the sexual arena.

When looking at the M/s relationship, it is crucial that the submissive one always be mindful of showing her Master (Mistress) the proper respect. This is fundamental for long-term BDSM success. Sadly, too many fail to exhibit the proper respect in all their activities. This ultimately reflects upon the Master which creates an unenviable situation.

Many seem to feel that respect is simply a matter of saying "Yes Sir" or "No Ma'am". This is incorrect. When one is making these statements, he or she is being cordial. This is not necessarily a sign of respect. Often, people will be uttering these words while behaving in ways that are totally demeaning. The old adage that actions speak louder than words applies.

Respect for a Master needs to permeate all through one's life. Every action needs to be undertaken to ensure that the worth of a Master is upheld. This is done by acting as if one is on display for everyone to see.

I see so many who are simply embarrassments. These people claim to be obedient and honorable slaves. Yet, they behave in ways that are contrary to what these words mean. Everything about a slave needs to scream "my Master is the best". This is only accomplished if she addresses every area of her behavior.

If one wanted a checklist of how to monitor what is acceptable, take a look at physical space around you. Is the house messy or is it a place that your Master would be happy to bring people? Are his clothes pressed to perfection? Is your attire a proper reflection of what he wants emphasized? Do you take the time to make yourself presentable to others in case he brings someone around? These are all tidbits which show the package that is your M/s relationship.

Another way to show respect of in your obedience. When a slave disobeys her Master's instructions, she is "showing him up". I have witnessed slaves do this to their Masters in public. This is the utmost of disgrace. My opinion is a person of that nature should be released instantly. He or she has no business pretending to be a part of this lifestyle. The exchange of power is the fundamental aspect of our way of life and when a slave is acting contrary to that, she is showing disrespect for not only her Master, but all who choose to live this way.

A slave should be seen but not heard. This is especially true when others are around. Certainly there are environments when a slave can have the freedom to speak freely. However, my experience is that many cannot handle this freedom. This is true whether it is online or in real time. The immaturity of many make it impossible for them to put their selfish desires aside. This equates to an inadequacy on their Master's part.

Try to remember this the next time you decide to venture into public. If you truly are a slave, you will be on your best behavior at all times. You truly never know who is watching.

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The Mindset of a Submissive

The mindset that each party has in an M/s relationship is one of the most crucial factors for success. However, I see little discussed online about this critical idea. It seems that many focus on the actions as opposed the mindset one has. This often leads to confusion and frustration.

What is the proper mindset of a slave? This is a question that is almost impossible to answer completely since there are individual factors which always come into play. Since relationships are personal to those involved, it is difficult to offer a list of what is required for success. Ultimately, that is up to the two parties (or more if the situation is poly).

Nevertheless, I can offer some of my beliefs in this area. To start, a slave needs to have the idea of service drilled into his or her being. A slave's place is to serve the Master/Mistress. That is one of the most basic tenets of the M/s world. Service is the idea of making one's life easier. It is a slave's position to handle whatever responsibilities that is thrown his or her way.

Another mindset quality that I feel is necessary is complete obedience. I use the word complete because many seem to feel this is a negotiable issue. Many (if not most) will attempt to engage in manipulation in an effort to "get their way". This is not obedience. Obedience is doing what you are told without question. This is another fundamental difference between BDSM and the traditional world. The total exchange of power means that all decision-making is with the one in charge. Disputing those choices is not a slave's place.

Acceptance is another trait that needs to be developed. There are going to be many times when a Master/Mistress's decisions go contrary to what one desires. This is the way it is. A slave needs to accept that decision while obediently following it. I see too many who take the action yet have offer an attitude that would kill a bear. Everyone within a thousand yards knows exactly how he or she feels. This is intolerable and potentially embarrassing to a Master/Mistress.

Patience is something else that I believe every slave needs. There are many times when a Master/Mistress is off on other affairs. Whether it is work or play, dominant types often can have many areas of responsibility. This is something that a slave needs to accept. The timing of things is another area which is determined by the one in charge. The role of a slave is often to wait until the Master/Mistress is ready for him or her.

Another factor I feel is crucial is emotional independence. I see many who come to BDSM without the emotional maturity to handle reality. This is one of the major areas where real time differs from online. Those who believe online is reality tend to be unprepared for what transpires when they make the transition. Putting one's faith in fantasy is a form of psychosis that tends to receive professional help. For example, we institutionalize those who believe in purple elephants. Sadly, they are as real as many online people. A slave needs to have the inner strength to handle the different emotions that one goes through when living in M/s.

Part two will offer up some other ideas for the successful mindset of a slave.

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Poly versus Swinging

I meet many in the lifestyle who are open about their sexual play. This is to be expected considering we live a life that is alternative to most and has a greater degree of openness than do the traditional models. Nevertheless, I see many who claim to be poly when in fact they are really just swingers.

Group sex is a wonderful thing. I cannot deny this. There are many I come across who are involved in M/s relationships who partake in this experience. Nevertheless, an open sex life does not make one poly. Instead, it makes one a swinger.

Swinging is an activity that allows couples to experience other people. Commonly the term "swap" is used where couples exchange their partners with others. In this arena, the rule of thumb is that "you leave with who brought you". People switch sexual partners for the length of the "scene" (or party) and then return to their spouses.

One of the fundamental aspects of this has to do with commitment. In swinging, the only commitment that exists is to one's partner. The interaction with others is on a completely different level. Even in those situations where a third person is added to the play, the commitment between the new person and the spouse are different. This is logical but an often overlooked point.

Poly is an entirely different matter. Here, the commitment level will exist between the different parties. In M/s, there will be a number of slaves who all have the same commitment to the Master (or Mistress). The duration of the relationships are longer since it usually involves more than just play. In the poly world, there are simultaneous relationships occurring at the same time.

Theoretically, in poly, each relationship is of equal standing. Nevertheless, there are practical issues that always arise. For this reason, there is usually what is known as a "primary" versus "secondary" relationship. The meaning of each is self explanatory simply by their definition. However, do not believe that primary is better than secondary. It simply is a distinction based upon factors such as interest, time, living arrangement, and skill level of each person involved. Usually, a secondary person will have other obligations which diverts attention. This is life. Anyone who is entering into poly needs to be aware of the differences in how each can approach the relationships.

As you can see, there is a major difference between poly and swinging. Those who are involved in the BDSM world while living openly in terms of their sex play are swingers. There are only a few who truly are involved with poly. It is a lifestyle that is difficult to handle. For most, the emotional effort is too much. Poly requires a complete reversal of mindset. Society teaches us that we are meant to find that "one" person. Yet, in poly, that "one" might be split among others. This is a radical change from what most are accustomed to.

The bottom line is that a person who is involved in poly needs to have an inclination to having more than just one person. Of course, we are referring to an interaction that deals with more than just sex. People who lead a poly lifestyle are aware of the emotional connection that is made with each person he/she is involved with. This connection is not equal among the different parties nor is there necessarily a bond between the others involved in the relationship. There are times when poly is really a series of relationships as opposed to a single unit.

I hope this helps to clarify some of the questions with this.

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Creativity

Have you ever noticed all the neat stuff that is offered on different BDSM websites. You literally could spend a small fortune filling your BDSM toolkit with different floggers, paddles, cuffs, and other accessories to increase you BDSM experience. This situation really gets expensive when you look into furnishing your house with an assortment of BDSM furniture. The total bill for all this can run into the tens of thousands of dollars.

How do you get around this situation if you are on a budget? My suggestion is to get creative. While the professionally made products look good and fulfill their intended purposes, I found that many things can be replicated with a little creativity.

To start, I operate from the premise that BDSM furniture and accessories are meant to be functional as opposed to looking good. The best scene in movies are those which look rough and like an actual dungeon. This is the end I always strive for when I am creating a play area. Therefore, unless you are planning on making a distributed production, do not fret over achieving a professional quality.

When entering into BDSM, the desire is to go spend a bundle of money acquiring all kinds of interesting toys. Resist this temptation. It is a mistake that is commonly made and will only end up wasting valuable resources. This is a situation where it is best to proceed slowly. Take your time to learn what you like before embarking on a spending spree.

I repeatedly write that there are many facets to the BDSM lifestyle. It is up to you to decide what is attractive to you (and your partner) and what you enjoy. What turns one on might turn another off. Keep this in mind when you are experimenting.

Applying creativity to your BDSM life is a recommended path. When you see something online, ask yourself "what does this device do". Look at the function of the accessory (or furniture) and then consider ways you can replicate it. For example, there are expensive paddles, riding bats, and crops available. However, when it comes to a good spanking, nothing can top a common household spatula. The cost: $0 since most kitchens have at least one already.

This process can be repeated with most objects. Naturally, the allure of the professionally made products is the quality and extra functionality they provide. I feel that once you determine what aspects of play you like, then it is worth the money to buy the proper toys. In the meantime, use your imagination to determine your level of kink before making a larger investment. This will eliminate the possibility of having a closet full of unused toys.

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No Limits

Over the last few posts we are discussed some of the more extreme aspects of BDSM. Many seem to feel they are destined to be involved in this realm of the lifestyle only to learn what reality is like. Unfortunately, the impressions offered online are a far cry from real time interaction.

In the last post I mentioned some examples of extreme activities that real live slaves were asked to do. My question to those considering the M/s lifestyle is "can you do these things if asked". (You can read some of the examples here)

This brings up the ever-present argument of whether hard limits exist within a true M/s relationship? To start, limits are always present in D/s. This is something that is non-negotiable. Because of the nature of that interaction, people need to ensure safety in all they do. People who are in this particular relationship often do not have the long-term interaction with each other. The lack of familiarity means that some ground rules are needed. Nevertheless, the M/s world is a completely different animal.

I feel that limits are part of the relationship while there is the "newness". Whenever two people get together, there is a learning curve that each is on. This is true regardless of the type of relationship. We see this in the traditional arena as well as BDSM.

However, as the relationship progresses, I feel the trust factor between a Master and slave should grow. Over time, the slave is able to let go of more because she has experience with this particular person. That truth is invaluable and cannot be replaced. No matter how "real" the previous interaction felt, there is no substitute for in person relations. Over time, each person uncovers more about the other person. Familiarity breeds confidence.

This leads me back to the primary question: are there hard limits in a true M/s relationship? The answer is that there obviously are limits to all behavior. Certain activities are unacceptable regardless of the relationship. For example, sex with a child is always negated. This is something that can never be justified in my mind. A slave who is ordered to cross this line is right in saying "NO!". That being said, most instructions do not carry this severity. Therefore, when you trust someone completely as your Master, there should be nothing that you are not willing to do if instructed. That is the basis of M/s. He (or she) is the one who decides what is to occur. You are along to obey. A limit exist only if the Master says so.

One caveat to this is the idea that a slave may need time to get over certain psychological issues before proceeding to some of the more extreme aspects of this lifestyle. That certainly could be the case. Nevertheless, this is not to be confused with a hard limit. I believe that after a couple of years together, all limits in a M/s relationship will be removed. It is a relationship that naturally evolves into one without limits.

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