It Takes Maturity

This is a subject is rarely read about when discussing the different aspects of the BDSM world. Yet, there is nothing, in my opinion, that is crucial to success. Without it, one is deemed to fail in any type of relationship regardless of the way it is structured.

Fakes

Many complain about all the fakes that exist in the online BDSM world. These people range from annoying to outright dangerous depending upon how naive the person being targeted is. Nevertheless, for the most part, these types are just passing time. They come and go without a trace. Their presence is solely for the purpose of entertaining themselves. Usually, they are manipulative, pathetic people who are trying to compensate for their unworthiness in real life.

Are these people immature? Some of them fit this description to a tee. Fortunately, they are the ones who are rather easy to spot. An example of their activity is they will enter a chatroom while proclaiming they are seeking a slave (or Master). This behavior falls into the get real category. Do they really think that anyone real will drop at their feet? Along the same lines, these same type of people believe that a capital before their name instantly makes then a Master, thus meaning that everyone "bow" at their feet. Again, I say get real.

These people are foolish. Many are trying to compensate for a lackluster life offline. We see many who are trying to live out their sexual fantasies while masturbating to characters on a screen. Another group of them are trying to cover up the fact that they have little appeal in the real world. The Internet allows one to create whatever persona he or she desires. Experience is not something these people share since they have none. Instead, their "world" becomes the online community they interact with. As it pertains to BDSM, they try to fit in while being transparent as to what they are. The fakes take away from everyone.

Submissives

This brings us to the people who are truly seeking to live this way of life. Where do they stand? Again, since I am writing this post, I believe that most tend to fall in the immature category. I find this especially true on the submissive side of the equation. Many who are seeking a Dom/Master appear to missed the part of life where one was to grow up. Their emotional balance is that of an 8 year old. This is alright since many of them want to act like children anyway.

On my social site, we had blog post regarding the maturity level of certain types of people (read it here). Many on that site seem to agree that there are a range of people who enter this life as a means of shedding all responsibility. As mentioned, many have lives that are wrought with failure. These people seem to get a new lease on things when they uncover the BDSM life. Here is the magical elixir that will make their lives successful. Suddenly, finding one who will take care of him/her is the solution.

Naturally, anyone who was around this life for any period of time knows this is not true. The bottom line is that it takes maturity to make a relationship work. No matter the dynamic, it takes work for relationships to succeed. Contrary to popular belief, a total power exchange does not increase the chance for success, especially if one is totally immature.

Dependability

A BDSM relationship is extremely difficult. Speaking as a Master who had multiple live in M/s relationships, I can tell you that one of the main factors for success is that I must be able to depend up anyone under my control. Absent this, I will never have the trust to delegate worthwhile tasks to her. A slave is in my life to make it easier. Micromanaging is something that I detest. At the same time, this is my life we are referring to, not some game that one picks up on a whim. Therefore, anyone I deal with, if long-term success is to be present, requires a level of maturity to exist in this realm. Acting like a child does not increase one's dependability in my view. This is a surefire way to wreck any relationship I have with you.

How does all this translate to the behavior we witness online? I see so many acting immature in chatrooms and one forums. Their idea of fun and cutting lose is also the parameter that others such as myself is judging them. Those who want to behave in such a manner quickly lose my respect (and yes, respect is something that a Dom/Master should have for a sub/slave-but it is earned). Being a brat reminds me too much of an 8 year old. Therefore, anyone who wants to be considered by me needs to exhibit the adult qualities that I know are needed for success in a BDSM relationship.

Adults

The people I know who have successful relationships are adults. BDSM is simply as aspect of our overall lives. We deal with all the same issues that everyone else does. Success in life is contingent upon handling the different aspects of life in an appropriate manner. Children have the luxury of acting the way they do because they have parents taking care of them. However, those who do not mature often have difficulty later in life since so much of what we deal with requires advanced interpersonal skills. Life is a game for adults. Children are exempt from playing.

BDSM is the same way. Those who feel the need to behave or live out their childish motives are doomed to fail. I do not know anyone who takes this life seriously that would subject him or herself to such a person. The advantages that someone like that provides are minimal. People who are seeking out a relationship(s) do so by judging what the other person brings to the table. Any parent knows that children come with headaches. Few are willing to subject themselves to the same anguish by involving themselves with someone too immature to handle a relationship. Immaturity is one way to remove the chance for long term success. And it is certainly something worthy of more discussion.

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Proactive versus Reactive

There are many ways to lead a M/s or D/s relationship. I am certain you will find every way imaginable if you were to look at 100 different relationships. Just like managers in business lead in a way that reflects their personality, so, too, do those responsible for directing a BDSM relationship. We each have different characteristics that are important. That is why I feel there is no "one-size fits all" manuals available. Each person needs to find his/her own way.

Fitting in with a Master

Many will take the initiative and contour the behavior to match the specific Master. However, there are probably a larger number who will not. This could be one of the main reasons why so many BDSM relationships do not succeed. A submissive opts to remain glued to his/her way of doing things. Lack of change will doom any BDSM relationship.

I am not one who prefers to micromanage a submissive. This is something that I find totally revolting. The idea of overseeing the most minor of details makes me want to vomit. I neither have the time nor the discipline to do it. Of course, what I am saying is purely subjective and not proclaiming anyone who operates this way as being wrong. It is just my preference.

A case in point, I heard a slave mention that she had to learn a 500 page manual containing all the house rules. This is a system that is in place in this particular situation. In my house, there arent enough rules to fill 500 pages. The main reason for that is because I am not going to write a 500 page manual of rules. If I was going to do that, I would instead write a 500 page book about this life that I love. Dictating every aspect of a sub/slave's life is unappealing.

Leaving my opinion aside, what is exemplified by the abovementioned slave is that she is contouring her actions to the prescribed methods of her Dom/Master. Perhaps she is one who lacked the discipline to behave in a proper manner. The rules that she is learning might be well suited to change and mold her into something better. She is seeking to fit in with this particular Master's way of doing things. It is her responsibility to adapt, not his.

Proactive Versus Reactive

In life, there are two ways to approach any situation: people can either be proactive or reactive. Typically, individuals take on a particular tendency which permeates throughout their entire life. Many will point to the "Type A" personality when referring to someone who is proactive. This is a person who doesn't wait around for things to happen. He or she is one who takes initiative. Errors are usually made on the side of overacting.

Contrast this with someone who is a reactive personality. These types tend to await instruction. They are the ones who have wonderful ideas once something catastrophic happened. They are never early in their estimation. Instead, they allow fear (usually) to operate as their guide. At times they are extremely methodical and analytical. However, these qualities are offset by the fact that they rarely strive to greater levels.

Tying It Together

What does proactive versus reactive personalities have to do with a BDSM relationship? I will answer that by using myself as an example. Basing your conclusion upon the information I mentioned about not being a micromanager, which personality type do you think works best for me? Do you think that one who is proactive will serve me better or one who is reactive? Does the one with the ability to take initiative aid me through service or one who is continually waiting around for my guidance?

Naturally, the particular individual will make the difference but, overall, I fare better with those who are proactive. My life is one which can be in chaos at times. Therefore, one who constantly seeks approval before taking any action is a detriment to me. I operate under the expectation that things get completed. Waiting for me to say "yes" to a particular directive is not a reasonable excuse. My methodology is to provide broad guidelines and have anyone under my control operate within them.

For example, I delegate all the yardwork. This is a chore that is understood to be outside of my responsibility. I expect the yard cut and the trimmings placed at the curb on the proper day for pickup. Now, do you think I really care which day the lawn (although some call it weeds) gets done? I do not. It is beyond my ability to share with you what day the grass is usually mowed. I simply know it is done on a weekly basis. A slave is adult enough to operate within these parameters in my world. Time management is something I expect one to be able to handle. She needs to create and maintain her own schedule.

This is what I mean about being proactive. A reactive slave would often await approval to mow the yard on a particular day. Mine simply gets it done. In addition, if there is something that needs attention, it gets handled often without my knowing about it. There are boundaries which are respected especially where money is concerned. However, anything within that area is up to her to decide for herself.

I again want to make it clear that my way is not the only way nor the preferred method. It is what works best for me. However, proactive versus reactive is something to pay attention to when you are looking at how you interact with another. If you are a Dominant, figure out what works best for you. On the other side, as a submissive, determine what your dominant one prefers and contour your actions to meet that. It will help a great deal.

One final thought: honest appraisal of oneself is crucial. Resist the temptation to delude yourself into thinking you are something that you are not.

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Punishments-Some Thoughts

This is a topic that is often discussed on the different forums and sites that I visit. For whatever reason, Masters/Doms are always seeking ways to punish those who are under their control. I can only presume that newer people are in search of effective ways to punish. Sadly, I believe most miss the point of why punishments are necessary.

Why Punish?

Why does a Master/Dom punish a sub/slave? To me, discipline is at the core of all that we do. Punishments are not meant to be handed out randomly or as a way for a Master to show his "power". Instead, punishments are meant to reinforce some type of lesson that is being integrated.

A sub/slave's growth is vitally important. Over the course of time, he or she ought to be expanding the abilities one has. As in all walks of life, the best learning tool is our own personal experience. Mistakes are one of the best teachers we have if we learn from them.

One common mistake is that some want to punish for mistakes. This is also something that goes against my beliefs. Mistakes are part of the process and the important factor is that a sub/slave learns from them. Of course, repeated failure to learn the lesson does often warrant punishment. This is where discipline enters into the picture.

Punishment, quite simply, is a means to modify behavior. A sub/slave will not act appropriately in all situations. Punishing is the methodology which will reinforce the behavior that one is seeking.

Make Sure Behavior Is Known

Punishing alone is ineffective unless the old behavior and desired behavior are explained. Naturally, this requires a Dom/Master to maintain some wits in situations where loss of control is real easy. Anger is the one thing that blows everything out of proportion. Maintaining emotional control is a crucial element to success in this area (I know, a hell of a lot easier said then done). Nevertheless, focusing on the behavior is vital.

The process simply starts by identifying the behavior that one is upset with. If you are like me, this is often apparent by my screaming. This is the point where I find I must concentrate on what the desired outcome is. When I can make both behaviors known, I find that whatever punishment I opt for is more effective.

Another factor is to ensure that the desired behavior is also known. A sub/slave needs to know what is expected of him/her. Simply stating that Action A is wrong while instilling discipline is a half measure. The other component is to relay how you want him/her to behave in the future. This reinforces the change.

Worthy of the Crime

The final thought that I want to convey is to have the punishment "fit the crime". It is very important that any punishment be in proportion to the behavior that one is trying to correct. Many have a tendency to go overboard with the disciplinary action in situations where the action is slight. We often see this in sports where suspensions are reduced after each side has time to analyze the situation. Dealing with a sub/slave is no different.

Punishing when one is upset is a dangerous route to take. Emotions cloud one's thinking. When one is in an emotionally charged state, he or she is apt to overreact to whatever is occurring. There are a number of occasions where I found myself instilling a punishment only to retract it later because of my lack of emotional control. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a Master/Dom to maintain his/her composure when dealing with these circumstances.

Punishments are a necessary part of the lifestyle. They enable one to mold a sub/slave's behavior in a way that fits what is desired. However, becoming an abuser is not what this life is about. Take caution when you are delving into this area since the consequences can be harsh when you make a mistake.

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Finding Your One

I see questions like this posed all over the Internet: how do I find a Master (slave)? It is always interesting to see a thread on a forum develop out of this basic question. Once again, we find people who want a "cookie cutter" solution to the life.

Relate To The Traditional World

My fundamental tenet is to always relate things to the traditional world to see if something that is occurring within this life is absurd. The above question is completely asinine when you compare it to the vanilla world. Common sense is something that seems lacking when many approach this way of life.

My comparison is to think of a vanilla dating site and consider a similar question. For instance, how likely is it that you will see one post this: how do I go about finding a husband (wife)? I surmise that if this is posted, the person will be under the age of 10. My reasoning is that everyone in society who is over that age knows how the interpersonal relationship works. It is not something that is kept a secret.

At the same time, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of ways to go about finding a spouse. People meet each other through work, friends, dating sites, personal ads, or simply in the supermarket. The "manual" on dating and love is rewritten hundreds of times each year by authors touting the "secret". Each situation differs based upon the individual needs.

BDSM Is No Different

In many ways, BDSM is no different from what we already know. When you get to the essence, the primary difference is how the power structure is broken down. Other than that, we are often dealing with the same issues as the rest of the world. Thus, a BDSM relationship is nothing more than another relationship. All interpersonal skills apply.

How does one go about finding a Master (slave)? The same way one would go about finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It starts with putting oneself in a situation where he or she will encounter available people. The Internet makes this process easier (while also making it more difficult). One cannot successfully fish unless he or she casts a line in the water. Getting into a BDSM relationship requires placing ourselves in position to meet others.

Another aspect in this is to get involved. Travel to many of the "BDSM dating" sites and you will find profiles stating something like "Master seeking slave-email me". Again, if we go to the vanilla sites, do you think there are profiles stating "Man seeking girlfriend-email me". If this is done, what do you think of a person who does this? I would conclude he is an obnoxious ass. Certainly, we can agree that this is not commonplace within the vanilla world. People will tell about themselves.

Not so in the BDSM world. This concept is on profiles all over the net. People seem to lose interpersonal skills as soon as BDSM is involved. I cannot tell you how many times I encountered someone who said that he is looking for a slave; anyone interested? Like anyone worth a lick is going to respond to that. What the hell is he offering? What are his qualifications? Simple ideas that are instantly overlooked by those who are floating around the life.

In the end, finding someone to have a relationship with requires the same dedication and effort as in the traditional world. There are no shortcuts here. People who take the time to consider what they are seeking themselves have a head start on everyone else. Knowing yourself and your desires enables you to identify what you are seeking when you run across it. This can shorten the process.

Bear in mind that we are all individuals. What I want certainly is different from the desires of many others. Whether dominant or submissive, we all have things that we want in a relationship. Identifying those characteristics goes a long way to being able to match someone up. Start the process today to avoid headaches down the road. This life is not as mysterious as people make it out to be. Normal interpersonal skills still apply.

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Attitude Seeps Through

Many Masters are rather emphatic about what they will allow their slaves to say. While some allow slaves to speak freely many times, there are a portion out there who preclude this behavior. Instead, they prefer to have a slave keep her opinions to herself.

Disagreements

There are times in any relationship where disagreements are bound to raise. For whatever reason, many feel that a BDSM relationship, especially M/s, is exempt from this characteristic. Anyone who lived real time for even a few months knows this is not the truth. Over time, disagreements will arise. How they are handled determines the chance of success within this particular relationship.

It is impossible for a slave to like every directive that is given to her. There are times where a Master will assign a task which is met with resistance. This is human nature. The ones who have the right to express themselves can often voice their concern. However, the ones who are not allowed to respond in this way must suppress whatever thoughts are involved.

Attitude Cannot Be Hidden

I am not advocating either option in this post. People are responsible for designing their relationships as they see fit for those involved. There never is a way to cover all relationships with "one broad stroke". Certainly, there are pros and cons to each approach and choosing what works best for an individual(s) is optimum.

That being said, I can state that attitude is something that cannot be hidden. All that arises from deep within is bound to appear at the surface level. A slave, as all of us, has a tough time hiding her displeasure when put into a situation that she detests. While she might take the action that is instructed, her attitude will tell the true story.

As I mentioned in the last post, the problem with attitude is it often extends beyond the event that stimulates the response. We all experienced times where one thing upset us and we were still stewing about it hours later. How often has a single instance ruined your entire day? It is amazing how something that occurred 5 or 6 hours previous can still be affecting us. But it is the way many of us react.

My Experience

Whenever I push my slave to do something that she is against, our interaction ultimately suffers for an extended period of time. Resentment is a powerful vice. While I try to give her the freedom to express what is on her mind (in the proper manner), I will admit there are times when I simply do not want to hear what she has to say.

How do you think our day progresses? As you can guess, it does not go off very well. Whenever we get into this state, each person gets defensive thus creating a snowball effect. Ultimately, one of us will come to our senses and release whatever garbage is causing the rift.

***As a side note, I will mention that notice how I didn't state that I was the one who always comes to my senses. This is one of those times when reality is different from the online fantasy. There are instances when my slave is the more sensible one. Just because I am in the position of dominant, that does not mean that I am exempt from human characteristics. There are times when I am a total butthead. What can I say, perfection still eludes me.

The point is that attitude does seep through. On more than one occasion my slave mentioned that she would be better off just not saying anything. While she might be correct in the immediate term, I aptly point out to her that I know her well enough that I can read her emotions (not that it is difficult). She knows this is correct and understands that it only makes things more difficult. In the end, it is very difficult to hide one's attitude about certain things. As they say, the eyes do not lie.

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Attitude When Serving

Service is at the core of the BDSM relationship. Regardless of how it is structured, those who submit to another do so with the intention of providing some service to the dominant person. This could be limited only to certain areas as in the instance of many D/s situations or it can affect every aspect of one's life as in M/s. Service is an important component that too many overlook but it is a part of all successful BDSM relationships.

Obey Obey Obey

This is a mantra that is drilled into the head of every submissive type. You cannot travel anywhere on the internet, to any lifestyle site without the topic of obedience being mentioned. Most posts somehow revolve around this subject. Those who want to be "bratty" write how they will disobey on purpose at times. The intention is to get the Dom/Master riled up. This is nothing more than acting like an imp; behavior we expect out of a child.

Without obedience there is no exchange of power. Anyone who exercises the right to decide what she will or will not is maintaining control. This is taking a dominant stance. Some will term this "topping from the bottom". However it is classified, the fact is that submission entails ceding control and power over to another. When one is told to do something, it is his or her place to obey. Obviously, this is an theme that is oft repeated on most sites.

Just Do It?

Nike likes to state "Just Do It". I uttered these words on more than one occasion with my slave also. There are times where a Dom/Master gets tired of the sass and is left with no option but to say "do it". However, this brings up a larger issue: what precedes getting to this point? Typically there is some type of confrontation because the submissive is refusing to do as instructed. It might be a case where he/she is being impish or there could be an outright defiance. Naturally, I am referring to those situations where one is not being put in peril but following through.

When an interaction reaches this point, the submissive will usually take the action that is required. Often this involves the carrying of an attitude. Again, we see this behavior in children when they are told to do something they do not want to do. Tell him or her to go clean the toys off the floor before going outside to play and you will get an argument followed by a distasteful "fine". The action gets completed but with attitude.

How It Is Done

I do not believe that most people like tension. Whenever one resists doing what is instructed when in a relationship of this type, tension is the result. He or she follows through with the action but, like the child, has a distasteful attitude. Oftentimes, this will carry on for a period of time throughout the day ruining other interactions.

Therefore, one must tend to the attitude which one has. The fact is that all of us have actions we take which we do not like. I detest paying bills because I prefer the money in my bank account as opposed to giving it away. Yet I like to have my electric, internet, and servers online. Thus I pay the bill in exchange for the services rendered to me. It is not my favorite thing to do but it must be done. I have the choice of having a miserable attitude towards it or getting it done and move on. If I opt for the former, I will affect everyone around me. Tension will increase with anyone who I interact with. The bill paying process becomes something that bleeds over into other areas of my life until I decide to change my attitude.

This illustration should make it clear how a submissive's attitude makes a difference. Getting the required task completed is only part of the deal. The attitude one approaches things is what really makes the difference. One can serve but how many are willing to happily serve? Forcing one to get things completed wears on a dominant one after a time. This might be one of the reasons for the short live span of many BDSM relationships. Continual fighting and friction is not healthy for any time of relationship and tends to short the life of it.

Attitude is a difference maker. Remember this the next time you are instructed to do something that you detest. Maintaining a poor attitude will seep into other areas. And this is a terrific way to ruin both your and your Dom's day.

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Warning Signs

Many make mention of how there seems only to be fakes and pretenders within the lifestyle. Travel through any lifestyle related dating website and you will see numerous profiles complaining about all the games being played. Obviously, there is a valid reason since I hypothesize that most of the people online a not what they claim to be. Anyone who has done any online interaction knows what it is like encounter these type of people. The wake of misery and hurt is well publicized.

However, I found that much of the same thing exists in real time interaction. Many of these same people also attend their local munches. I will state that these type of people aren't outright fakes. Instead, I believe they fall into the category of being misinformed. Their statements are genuinely what they believe yet they truly do not reflect reality.

Selfishness

This is a quality I see in many "slaves" and one that is a warning sign for any potential suitor. Never have I seen a successful slave who was selfish and thought only about her. Yet, I encounter so many who state they are submissive while thinking only about themselves. To me, this breeds conflict.

I wrote the other day about one who was behaving in this manner while "under consideration" by another. When one insists on meeting friends, changing plans, and forces the One to make all the contact, there is an immediate problem. This is the time when one really wants to put her best foot forward. Failing to contact the one who is considering you shows a complete lack of interest. Therefore, whatever you stated to him/her to garner attention is untrue. You are not seeking to live in this manner. A person in this mindset is still determined to retain control. Selfishness is not conducive to being a good slave.

Lack of Decisiveness

On the flip side, a "dominant" who lacks the ability to make a decision is also raising a red flag. There are many who like to term themselves "Master". However, few have the actual ability to live in this manner. The online crowd believes that domination simply means that another will do whatever he or she wants sexually. This person envisions having all his/her sexual fantasies fulfilled. Sadly for that person, there is a great deal more than that to being a Master.

Another red flag is raised when you look at a person's life. For example, if one claims to be dominant and wanting to control another, is his or her life a total mess? Many who talk the talk fall short when one seeks out proof. How can one expect to run another's life when he cannot run his own? Looking at the circumstances surrounding a person offers great insight into how he or she is.

Listen to Them

Warning signs are there for a reason. They are meant to be followed. Ignoring what is being presented will inevitably lead to hurt and pain. If something seems out of sorts, there is a terrific chance that it is. The old saying, "where there is smoke there is fire". Old sayings are around because they inevitably are true. Warning signs are the smoke.

Lack of congruence is something that everyone needs to watch for. Many will state they want ___________. The proof is in their actions. Does what they do match up to their statement of wanting ___________? In the mentioned example, when a person says that she wants to live as a slave, but then engages in behavior that is completely focused upon herself, is that congruent? Most would not think so. The fact is this person missed something fairly basic about this aspect of the lifestyle. Stating that one wants to serve is not the same as doing it. Actions will always speak louder.

Ultimately, these tidbits will save you a lot of time. Being able to flush out those who are not suited for what you are seeking is an invaluable tool to have. Time and lack of misery are priceless. Be mindful of the warning signs that appear.

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Missing Opportunities

Just when I think I have an understanding of how people are, I am amazed at the lengths people will go to keep their illusions alive. There was one who I chatted with the other day who literally made me shake my head. How can one not see what was right in front of her?

Long Distance Relationships

Everyone knows the difficulty in dealing with long distance relationships. This is not something that is exclusive to the BDSM community. Many have separation for their loved ones for reasons beyond their control. There are men and women fighting in distant lands fulfilling their military commitments while leaving behind lovers and children. At the same time, people are off in foreign lands working to provide an income for their families. These people can attest to the turmoil faced when trying to live with this separation. Sustaining a relationship is not easy.

Love is a part of many BDSM relationships. The feelings expereince with this life are the very same as those in the vanilla world. It is just as easy to be attached to a Master as it is a husband. In fact, it is not uncommon for Master/Dom and slave/sub to be married. Carrying on a BDSM relationship when there is separation is equally as difficult. The one left behind is responsible for handling all the household details. This can really be trying depending upon that person's position. A submissive is suddenly in charge of everything with the responsibility of making the decions which formerly the dominant one made. Simply, we see another layer of tension added to the equation.

The Online Dilemma

Many get involved in online relationships as their entry into this lifestyle. Without going into detail about the practicality of this or not, I will state this is instantly establishing a long distant relationship. The idea that one is starting out long distance makes the chances of success that much less. Many long term relationships succumb to the difficulties of distance even with a firm foundation in place. Adding the "factor" makes things remarkably more challenging.

That is not to say that many relationships did not get their start online and move into real time. However, the truth is that this medium allows for so much misinformation and misdirection. Scammers, con artists, and outright liars are plentiful. We see this in much of the spam we receive; offers of millions of dollars if we help the Prince of ABC country get out with the $35 million. In the end, there is no way of knowing whether someone is exactly what they proclaim.

Even if they are real, the problem arises in that one is instantly in a long distance situation. This is a situation that can be overcome with time and a willingness to relocate. However, I see so many who are "married" to the idea of one day being with this person that they completely overlook those who are geographically close. As I travel around the different BDSM dating sites, I often wonder how many of those who are "owned" are actually dealing with someone who is in the same zip code. The sad truth is that I believe most are involved in long distance online deals. While they are messing around with someone they probably will never meet, they are perhaps passing on potential opportunities right under their nose.

Taken To An Extreme

I encountered a situation that was taken to an extreme. Talk about someone who is holding out for a long shot. The situation was one where she was actually released since her "Master" was heading overseas. Evidently he had a dangerous job since there is no guarantee that he would survive (part of his reasoning for letting her go).

The woman who was left behind continually wonders why she has so much trouble finding someone to be with. She repeatedly talks about all the fakes she encounters. What this woman does not realize is that she cannot serve two Masters. She claims that her heart only belongs to him and she is hers if he ever returned. Obviously, her loyalty is something to be complimented. However, I would say that the fact that he let her go is his way of saying "move on".

What is the correct action for this woman? Naturally, I cannot answer that question. Each person is responsible for their own lives and doing what makes them happy. Perhaps remaining true to him is the best choice for her with a huge reward at the end. Certainly, if that is what gets her to the level of joy in her life, I hope it happens for her.

Nevertheless, what I can say is that most Doms/Masters seek to have loyalty and commitment from those who submit to them. The idea of one being "torn" will not sit well with most in my opinion. I can foresee many getting involved with her for play and to scene with. However, anyone who is seeking a relationship built around BDSM, especially M/s, is going to question her position. Loyalty cannot be divided. Therefore, this person's decision to have someone overseas "hold her heart" is causing her to miss opportunities here. Again, she might be making the absolute best choice. Then again, she might not be. I guess only time will tell on that matter.

Consider the full implications when you are dealing with someone from another part of the country (world). Ask yourself if there is something that you are giving up by committing to something that has a minimal chance of working out based upon the law of averages. Perhaps you might be better served waiting a little longer. Missed opportunities can be costly.

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For The Dabblers

I write a great deal about M/s and some of the more extreme facets of this lifestyle. I do this in an effort to clear up a lot of misconceptions that exist out there. However, unlike many, I believe this lifestyle is open to a wide range of people. There are so many various facets that people can choose to be involved with. Therefore, I am going to expand the focus today to all those who are interested in some things that are less extreme.

There Is No Right Way

I see this occur in the M/s realm but it equally applies to all areas. Many seem to think there is a write way to approach BDSM. My feeling is the only wrong approach is to attempt to be something that you are not. As long as you are being true to yourself, whatever you decide is perfectly acceptable. Too many feel that they must be something different. Subs want to be slaves because they believe a slave is better. This is only true if one is capable of being a slave. If he or she is not, then a sub is the better alternative.

Many feel they need to delve into BDSM all the way. That is another fallacy that is espoused by the internet. There is nothing wrong with someone dabbling in this way of life. I surmise the largest percentage of people only engage in minor BDSM activities. In fact, most do not consider themselves a part of the BDSM world. Nevertheless, you will see that many vanilla people actually partake to a degree.

There are hundreds of thousands of couples who like to add some spice to their sex lives. I believe most experimented with the lighter side of things a few times. Is there anyone out there who hasnt spanked or been spanked during a sexual interlude. Along the same lines, how many people tied their partner up during sex? Again, I conclude that most people tried these things at least once.

Dabbling=Kink

For many this is an accurate statement. Simply put, they want more out of sex. As mentioned, this is an acceptable approach if this is what a person is seeking. Having "kinky sex" is a worthwhile approach to BDSM. Many of us who are into this a lot deeper enjoy that aspect of things. However, the issue arises when people think that sex is all there is to BDSM. But for those just seeking this, it is a wonderful way to liven things up in the bedroom.

Role playing is another form that many participate in yet fail to consider that it is a form of BDSM. Many will play roles such as cop/prisoner, truck driver/ hitchhiker, etc... These roles contain domination and submissive qualities to them. The couple is engaging in a power exchange during their "scene". Few will consider it this but it is what they are actually participating in. We see the kink factor increased by implementing some BDSM.

Room For Everyone

Whatever your flavor is, there is room enough for everyone. Many seem to believe that this way of life is only for those who want to be "lifestylers". That is a misconception. People are free to shape their relationships however they see fit. If a little extra kink is what they are after, how can anyone else judge that? There is no "one size fits all " plan. Each person is free to explore any aspect of this life that interests them.

One final thought: almost everyone starts off their experience with BDSM by dabbling. Most people start off in the vanilla world then add a bit of kink. Upon further exploration, they delve into some of the deeper aspects of domination and submission. The point is that ignoring the dabblers might mean we are missing some of the future Masters and slaves. One never knows the extent one will go to until actually experiencing some aspects of this life. The more the merrier in my opinion.

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Actions Matching Words

As I journey aroung the World Wide Web, I notice many who complain about all the fakes that are involved in this lifestyle. I sincerely believe if one person says something, it is an opinon. However, when many people state the same thing, it starts to become consensus. Thus, I do agree that there are many pretenders who are flirting with this way of life.

That being said, it is understandable for people to be "gunshy" of newer ones. The tendency is not to give people the benefit of the doubt but to presume guilt immediately. The defenses are instantly up in an effort to protect oneself. This is a natural process for anyone who experiened the lies and manipulation of the fakes.

Real But No Congruent

I am going to shift the focus away from the fakes since it is not the basis of this article. The point is raised to make one aware of the mindset that many people have when dealing with others. There are a lot of games played online and many are leery. This is something to overcome when you are dealing with someone new. Each of your actions must align with what you are stating.

This leads us to those who are honestly interested in this lifestyle. They are not pretenders since their desire is genuine. While there is a chance their ideas are a bit misguided, they will be true in their statements and intentions.

However, the million dollar dilemma is how can anyone know one's sincerity with his/her intentions? The fakes present a convincing argument as to the validity of their desires. Anyone who experienced the process of dealing with one of these individuals knows how easy it is to buy into what they are stating. This puts those who are truly seeking a BDSM relationship at greater risk of not being believed.

Therefore, we turn to the actions of a person to determine what they are after. It is easy to write or state what you are wanting; it is a completely different manner in getting your actions to align with those statements. Those who are genuine do their best to make all things match up. The fakes will state one thing while doing something completely opposite. In the end, their actions do not coincide.

Congruence is something that all should look for. And, it is something that you should pay attention to when trying to attract the interest of another. Without it, I would say the chances of success are minimized.

Consideration Period

Many will use this term which describes the timeframe which a sub or slave is considered by a Dom/Master. Basically, it is a getting to know period. This is where limits are established, common interests revealed, and the overall interaction is formulated. It is a "BDSM dating" period.

This is the time when one wants to make a terrific impression. Of course, this only happens with those who are truly genuine in their intentions. The fakes could care less about making an impression since there no desire to move forward. Real people want to move the relationship to another level if there is a basis for doing so.

I believe errors made during this time are what causes a great deal of heartache. Many fail to realize the importance of seeking congruence at this stage. If that person is a dominant, he or she buys into the words while ignoring the actions. This is where the fakes excel. Anyone who falls into this trap will find pain shortly thereafter. When the actions fail to match the words, often there is a reason for concern. While there is a chance the person is a bit "flighty", there is a better chance a reason exists for the difference. At a minimum, further questioning is needed.

On the submissive side, those seeking another push people away without realizing how they are doing it. Again, many who experienced the fakes are on guard. The defenses are up. Whenever a lack of congruence is noticed, this prevents further penetration. Many will pull back at this point believing you are just another pretender playing games. Have you ever wondered why you suddenly ran into a steel door with your interaction? Perhaps the actions did not match what you were saying.

Both sides have to monitor what is going on. I am not stating that the dominants have a pass in this area. They are equally involved in terms of having to be sincere in what they say and do. Submissive types ought to apply the same judgment that a dominant is doing. There is high probability that both sides experienced harm in the past due to an encounter with a pretender.

Do What You Say and Say What You Mean

This is a lesson for all of life. Applying it to our situation here, we can now see how important it is for us to present an image that allows one to formulate true decisions. The fakes are trolling for those who are willing to set common sense aside and believe whatever is stated. This is where people get hurt. Applying sound reasoning will allow you to move past the fakes immediately.

If you are interested in a particular aspect of this life, be sure that you are doing the things that make one believe what you say. For example, are you stating that you are interested in getting involved in a M/s relationship yet not abiding by the commitments you make? Are you claiming to be a single person without children yet unavailable at those times when one usually is able to interact? Things of this nature begin to raise the red flag with others. On the flip side, if you are getting this from another, you should raise some concerns also. Stating one thing yet doing another is always a basis for questioning.

Doing what you say is most important early in the interaction. This is when the trust level is at it's lowest. The lack of familiarity causes the aforementioned defenses. As times passes, and the trust level grows, a person is more open to allowing another in. However, this is shattered if that person is deemed untrustworthy. A lack of congruence is considered by many to be a lie. Repeated behavior in this manner results in one closing down. Penetration simply becomes impossible.

Consider this when you are approaching a new person with whom you have an interest in. Be sure that your actions are matching what you say. The other person, if he or she read this post, is monitoring the situation with open eyes. Are you doing the same? Consider how your actions are perceived by the other person. It might be the one thing that instantly sabotages any chance of a relationship with that person. Ignorance is no excuse.

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