The Freedom of BDSM

One of my highest values in life is freedom. Many talk about this concept yet few realize it. A lot of us are slaves to our jobs. We show up each day so that we are able to meet our financial responsibilities. At the same time, we are continually influenced by the beliefs and ideas of society. It is this conditioning that steals our freedom.



BDSM is something that is frowned upon by the “normal” people. Those who partake in this way of life are viewed as perverted and sick. That is the generally accepted belief. However, those involved have chosen to live in a manner which is accepting to them. This choice is the path to freedom.



The technique of erotic humiliation is a prime example of how we can reject commonly accepted principles. “Degrading” another is frowned upon in this era. Calling someone a name such as slut, whore, bitch, or piece of meat is often met with an angry reaction. Society trains us to believe this is wrong. However, there are many who really enjoy this technique. This degradation really enhances their pleasure, especially during sex.



BDSM is something that is considered non-mainstream, thus making us non-conformists. Most of us know the price we paid trying to conform. Society tells us that relationships need to take on a certain look. It is between a man and a woman who interact until they decide it is time to make the lifelong commitment. This is the prevailing model for relationships. Of course, this is a mold that many of us did not fit into. We discovered there was always something “wrong” or “missing” when we tried to live according to the commonly accepted belief.



I know that BDSM is not for everyone. At the same time, I believe this is also true for a traditional relationship. There are many who are ideally suited for BDSM, yet succumb to the pressure of society. Submissiveness is a quality that is deemed a sign of weakness. Making the decision to be involved in BDSM opens up one to rejection by family and friends. Nevertheless, it is also one that leads down the path to freedom.



BDSM is right for some people. Many of us know the feeling of “being home” when we accept this as a part of our life. Getting in touch with that inner core which tells us that we are either dominant or submissive while giving us an avenue to satisfy that inner calling is a wonderful feeling. Living life according to what is true for oneself is what freedom is. And, this is what the BDSM lifestyle offers.

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A sub or a slave

There often is a great debate as to what is the difference between a slave and a sub. Many will aruge that they are both the same with no difference between the two. I surmise this is the minority viewpoint. However, it is one that is strongly held by those who have it. In my opinion, the two vary significantly.



A slave is one who engages in total powere exchange in all areas of his or her life. Through this exchange, the person is property of Master. No aspect of his/her life is off limits. This is known as being 24/7 within the lifestyle. A slave is owned 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Things such as holiday or vacation are non-existent. This particular method of the lifestyle is complete.



The other side of the equation is a sub. A slave is a sub while a sub is not necessarily a slave. Basically, a sub is one who is desires giving control over to another. He or she is a submissive person in a particular area. The most common area to see this play out is sexually. A sub is not necessarily submissive in all aspects of life. We often see men and women who are powerful in business become submissive sexually. It is how that person chooses to release.



A sub will often limit his or her submission. While engaging in a total power exchange in that areas, the power is limited only to that aspect. Also, the exchange can be temporary in nature. For example, a sub might be submissive to a Dom/Domme during a scene, it ends when that scene is over. A Dom/Domme could engage some erotic humiliation by calling the sub names during the play time. However, after they are done, they go back to an equal basis. It could be inappropriate for One to call a sub a slut or whore outside the bounds of the scene. This shows how there can be a limit to all that can occur within the realm of a sub.



It is best to think of a sub as one who maintains a degree of control over life. This is not true for a slave. He or she has nothing to say once the submission occurs. The main difference is the power exchanged.

Reality versus Fantasy

There is so much confusion regarding the BDSM world. Many believe that what they see in videos and pictures on the net is reality. Sadly, it is not. The truth is that people who are involved in BDSM are more "normal" than people are usually led to believe. A day in the life of a Master/Dom and slave/sub is not as exotic as some would think.

Life happens to all of us. There are bills to be paid, kids to be tended to, and responsibilities to be met. Choosing this lifestyle, even for an author in it such as myself, does not mean that I can turn my back on the other areas of life. This is true for many of us in the lifestyle. Certainly, there are some who are in a position to partake in this full time. However, I would say they are the minority.

The pictures on the Internet make it seem so simple: the idea of being in complete bondage while being whipped or suspended is intoxicating. Once again, this is not quite reality. First, often those in the pictures are professional actors. There is a cast of people who are experienced in creating a safe environment for the scene to occur. Also, most do not have the financial resources for all the accessories used in those images. To fully stock a "dungeon" easily runs into many thousands of dollars. This is something that is normally outside one's capability. Finally, if you thought hiding your "toys" from the children is tough, try hiding an entire room. Once again, if kids are around, they tend to be those life issues which can arise.

So how do we approach this in a realistic manner? It starts with understanding that what is "romanced" about in stories and pictures on the web is most likely an exaggeration of reality. It is similar to how a love affair is portrayed in the movies. Who the heck ever lives happily ever after without conflict? I can't even go a week without arguing with myself, let alone someone else. The same is true in our lifestyle. It is not accurately portrayed by those who put forth the imagery.

Direction Of The Relationship

A Master needs to have the inner strength to take control of the relationship while steering it in the direction that He wants it to go. Too many fail to take the responsibility associated with being a Master seriously. Leadership does have it's price.

Most newbies are enamored with the idea of being in control. To have one do whatever He says is a fantasy. However, like all fantasies, reality tends to be a little different. The BDSM world is a great deal more than just whips and chains. The deeper that people get into the lifestyle, the more responsibility that comes along. This is magnified when a relationship is established.

What One's responsibility? It starts with safety. This needs to be foremost one a Master/Dom's mind. Even while He is enjoying the pleasure of a scene, it is up to Him to determine if things are proceeding safely or not. Many do not like to hear that if one is hurt, He is the One who is at fault. It is just too easy to want the control without the responsibility. Unfortunately, that is a fantasy and not how reality works.

Educate Yourself

I mentioned a number of times all the different facets to the BDSM world that exist. Often, new people ask me, how do I get started? My belief is there is no substitution for education. The Internet, for all it's shortcomings, does offer the opportunity to learn a great deal about what this way of life is all about. It is helpful to have some idea what you are getting yourself into.

Like any other area, the BDSM world has it's own terminology. It is beneficial to find out what is meant by scene, dom, sub, watersports, and TPE. Learning the terms will also provide areas for you to further research. Determining what interests you is a crucial part of the learning experience. This will lay to foundation for establishing/realizing where your limits are.

I try to make this site informative with posts that will help steer people in the right direction. Be sure to read a variety of different viewpoints. One drawback to the Internet is that it allows anyone to provide their point of view. Sadly, this opens the door for a great deal of misinformation. Going to a variety of different resources will enable you to see the true information from the propaganda.

There is no reason to enter into this lifestyle blond. Do you research ahead of time to save yourself some pain and misery down the road. Safety is the number 1 priority and there is no better way to protect yourself then being armed with the proper knowledge. Dedicate the time to learning about this.

There Is Only Safe or Unsafe

Many feel they need to enter into the BDSM lifestyle in the "right" way. There is no right way or wrong way to approach this lifestyle if it is truly something that you want. Any who is genuine in his or her interest can pursue many different avenues. The lifestyle is simply that diverse.

Get it out of your mind that there is a 'wrong" way to go about things. More important than the question of right/wrong is the question is something safe or not. Safety is the main concern for those who are serious about this way of life. There are too many ways to harm another even without meaning to. Accidental injuries and even death, can result from a scene gone bad. It is important to be make safety the top thought in all that you do.

Physical safety is one aspect to look after. Another is the mental and psychological on an individual. Many do not have the stability to endue certain aspects of our lifestyle. For example, erotic humiliation is something which needs to be done with someone who has the esteem to handle it. People who suffer from low self worth can be harmed by this technique. We need to stress that safety is the main priority.

Personality Conflict

I have found that dealing with the personality challenges among subs can one of the greatest challenges for a Dom. This is evident when inviting another to participate within an existing relationship. It seems that women have a tougher time than men in accepting another into the mix. Even in situations where the sole basis for getting together is sex, this is still true.

There was a situation I encountered in the past where I was dealing with three women. At first I was seeing woman A. She was a sub who loved what I did with her. When I got involved with woman B, woman A was interested in exploring her bi-sexual side. Yet, she did not like something about woman B so she declined to get physical with her. Then I added woman C to the mix. You can see where this is going can't you? Woman B did not like woman C for some reason. Thus, three bi-sexual women who did not play with each other.

Many think that entering into the BDSM lifestyle is an easy thing. There are many emotions to deal with. The average person is emotionally immature. People, in general, cannot get past the minor nuances that others have. In the above situation, woman A could not tell me why she did not like woman B. And, woman B held a woman C under the microscope of a belief that she had (in other words, judged her). Individuals seem to think that their viewpoints are right. Sadly for them, the reality is that it is just an opinion.

What happened in the end? All three women, A, B, & C, we let go. The immaturity level was too much to deal with. I do not want to take on more headaches by my decision to be involved in this lifestyle. People who are too difficult tend to get put to the curb. Remember this the next time you are rejecting someone over something minor. The One you are with may turn that same judgment on you.

The Reality Of The BDSM Lifestyle

Many think that the M/s relationship is the cure-all for whatever ails them. This really seems to be prevalent among those who’s experience is limited to online interaction. It is vitally important to remember that the M/s relationship is just another of the many relationships which people experience in life. It is a method in which like minded people interact.

Just because someone enters into this arena, it does not mean that life stops. The everyday situations which all people encounter still exists. We are not immune to life problems. There are circumstances which are unenviable that must be dealt with. Submitting to another (or receiving the submission) means that we have reconciled a certain aspect of out lives. Issues such as career, health, and family still must be handled accordingly.

I had a situation which exemplifies how this can occur. My last live in slave left me about a year ago. She was a faithful and dedicated submissive. We were both happy and fulfilled in the relationship. One day, she calls me at work to let me know she just received a phone call from back home. Her son was hospitalized with a serious life threatening condition. (Thankfully he made it through and is fine). The course of action which was evident to both of us. She returned to her hometown up north to tend to her family situation. Because of her ex-husband’s inability to deal with things, she was forced to remain to tend to her son.

As you can imagine, this radically changed our relationship. Looking back, there is absolutely no regret with how things transpired. Her place was tending to her offspring. At the time of her leaving, she was not released since she had the intention of returning. When it became apparent that she would not be, I set her free. I find it extremely difficult to have an online relationship after being 24/7 with someone. As important as the M/s relationship was to each of us, her family was a priority.

This example shows how the M/s relationship is susceptible to all the other life influences. I could have just as easily been her boyfriend, new husband, or some guy that she ran away with. Regardless, her course of action would have been the same. The fact that I was her Master did not alter what her priority was.

I am certain there are some who will question the level of commitment that we had to each other based upon how things worked out. There are some Masters who believe they are the only One who matters. Well, I am a believer that the M/s relationship exists in the larger context of life. Anyone with children has a responsibility to tend to them. For me, getting in the way of a woman acting on her maternal instinct is improper.

Also, the fact that she has not returned might be taken as a lack of commitment. Again, I will not impede her fulfilling a responsibility that existed long before I entered the picture. Time and distance make this relationship at a deep level impractical. With no end in sight to her commitment to her family, it is impossible to plan in the future. The reality is that outside issues affected this relationship.

The lesson here is that life still happens. Many brides (or grooms) feel that getting married will solve all their problems. We know that once the honeymoon ends, life hits. Applying the same logic to the M/s lifestyle will yield the same fruitless results.

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Unrealistic Expectations

Of late we have referred to some of the expectations that people have when entering a M/s relationship. It seems that many believe this type of relationship is the solution to all their problems. It is common to find a new person who is truly submissive (or dominant) take to this lifestyle immediately. Years of failure in traditional relationships left them with a void. Finding the M/s way of life is like a homecoming to them. They realize where they belong.

However, as we have mentioned on a number of occasions, life does happen. All that others need to deal with arise in our lives. While the M/s foundation affects all areas of our existence, it is not the only area where we operate in. Everyday responsibilities must be attended to. Failure to acknowledge this is setting oneself up for disappointment.

A great deal of what we experience in any situation is directly tied to the expectations we have entering it. What are your expectations with your M/s relationship? Do you believe this is the solution to all your problems? If so, you might want to reconsider that idea. The same problems that one enters into this lifestyle with will still be prevalent after submitting. Life issues continue to exist. This cannot be stressed enough.

Having someone else involved in your life can help you to overcome certain difficulties. By submitting, many of the decisions are taken away from you. This can be a blessing if one is bad at making decisions. Financial circumstances can change since there is someone else helping with the bills. However, just because one submitted does not necessarily mean that all problems go away. To expect this is completely out of touch with reality.

To have a successful M/s relationship, and to avoid future disappointment, it is necessary to enter with a realistic idea of what will happen. This lifestyle does not solve all of one’s problems. It is a way of living which allows us to be true to our nature. We develop a manner of interacting with another which is based in a methodology which works for us. It is understood that the person we are dealing with is human and will make mistakes. We resist the temptation to put him or her on a pedestal.

A M/s relationship can be one of the most fulfilling interactions one ever had. To be successful at it, there is a lot of effort required by both parties. Remember this when you suddenly realize that this lifestyle did not magically solve all your problems. In fact, different problems will arise because you entered this relationship. Accepting that as the reality will better prepare one to handle the unenviable situations when they arise.

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Poly Master

Many encounter the poly aspect of the BDSM only to find their surprise at the emotions which arise. As we wrote in other posts, jealousy is something that is best checked at the door. It matters little whether we are referring to a scene or to a long term relationship, the impact is still the same. Jealousy will destroy one if not both relationships.

There are a fair number of Doms/Masters who are involved with numerous people. This is a fact of the lifestyle that one needs to accept if she is to be happy. Failure to do so will result in her misery. When people first hear “poly” they immediately go to the sexual aspect. This is certainly a factor where this emotion needs to be dealt with. However, many encounter issues at greater depths. It is these issues which also crop up to hinder a relationship.

When One is involved with more than one person, His time is split as He sees fit. There is certainly the concept that He will be sexually involved with others. This is one of the areas where things are different than the non-poly situation. He also will divide His time among each in a way that best suits Him. How He decides to do this is not for a sub/slave to determine. Many fail to grasp the full meaning of this concept. If He chooses to have you sit at home while waiting for Him alone, then that is how it is to be.

The natural tendency is for one to want more. Unfortunately, it is not her place to insist upon this. Many will try to “Dom from the bottom” by acting like a spoiled brat. This will also have negative results with most Doms/Masters. They simply will not stand for it. If one cannot accept the terms of the lifestyle, it is best if she seek out something else. Perhaps a traditional model is a better fit for you.

Many will try to alleviate this entire situation by getting with One who is not poly. That might work in the short term. However, He always has the right to take on more in the future if He so chooses. Again, this is a reality of the lifestyle. Many cannot handle this type of situation. The jealousy bug is something that is too great to overcome. Sadly, I saw many who had to depart this way of life because of this single issue.

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