The Natural Process

We all know the Internet has created an atmosphere where things are different then they were years ago. One area in particular that changed is with protocol. Before, while existing in certain circles, protocol was limited to an individual choice. For example, a Master might have some particular protocol that he expected his slave to follow. It was an individual choice regardless of others around. At the same time, certain groups might have particular ideas that were followed. However, there was nothing concrete with flexibility available.

The Internet changed all that. Today, there are an assortment of ideas which are mandated by the online community. Enter into a chatroom and you will be expected to behave in a certain manner. Fail to follow the proper tradition and risk being chastised in a major way. This is especially true for those who profess to be Gorean.

Relationship

A fundamental mistake that proponents of this concept make is that D/s and M/s are relationships. They are not scripted events that can be laid out like a play. While many believe that a book written in the 1970s contains all the answers to what one encounters in life, the truth is it does not. Adhering to this idea is akin to believing that Dr. Spock had all the answers for raising a child. Any parent will tell you there were a few chapters missing in his books. The same is true for the BDSM world. No matter how much you adhere to protocol, it does not provide all the instances which you will encounter.

People need to realize that relationships are made up of and centered around individuals. Each person brings certain attributes to the interaction while seeking to get something out of it that satisfies some need(s). Therefore, these mechanisms are dynamic simply in the fact that everyone on this planet is different and few of us fit ideally into a 'box'.

Protocol is an attempt at a shortcut to success. This means that those who implement it to the degree where it becomes almost religious are trying to absolve themselves of the time and effort required to establish a successful relationship. It is a proven fact that relationships take work. I feel most fail because they depend upon the protocol to run their relationships as opposed to doing it themselves.

The Submission Process

Much is written about the process one goes through to submit. As I travel around the Internet I see a ton of protocol pertaining to this subject. Sadly, other than for a good laugh, most of it is worthless.

Once again we get back the the basic idea that relationships are about individuals. It is impossible to design a plan of operation that will encompass everyone. In fact, I find that you cannot even do this for most of the people. Individuality is something that is at our core as humans. Therefore, having a written agenda of how one is to submit is inane.

So, how does this process work if not by protocol? Simple. Submission happens naturally. It is something that two people who are designed for this lifestyle can feel as it is happening and understand. There is no fight for or against it. The interaction leads to more natural decisions. It is a route that is followed in keeping with one's natural core.

Therefore, the submission process is nothing more than a natural interaction between two people. Here, you have one who is dominant and another who is submissive. Those two criteria provide a basis for a match. From that point, the communication entails exchanging ideas about what each person likes and dislikes. This is called determining if two people are compatible. After that, the discussions will consist of topics such as long term life plans, logistical facts, and time periods for moving forward if that is the chosen path. Contrary to what the online community believes, the fact that one is dominant and the other submissive are not the only requirements for a successful relationship.

Finally, the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together. I find that the submission process happens naturally. There is no one moment in time where she offers it and he accepts it. Instead, it is something that is moved towards on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered). The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is occurring. Each can feel it and is, hopefully, happy about it. Ultimately, we are all seeking fulfillment. Tapping into that core essence is how we accomplish this. BDSM is a way many of us reach this zenith in our daily lives.

Consider this idea the next time you see someone asking about the submission process or trying to find out how one finds a Master. The answer is to interact like a human being. Communicating like and dislikes as a means of establishing compatibility is essential. Too often this step if overlooked. It is a simple fact that it is impossible to get along with everyone. The one you might be chatting with could be someone who will make your skin crawl in a few months. Take the time in the beginning to find a path that feels natural for you. Remember, there should not be any forcing of the situation. Successful relationships are never forced.

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Who To Submit To?

I write a great deal about the importance of following the submission process in my book An Owned Life. To me, this is a crucial area where many screw up. They put the cart before the proverbial horse. This leads to the failing of the relationship at a later point.

I also put in a number of questions that both Doms and subs need to ask themselves. An additional set of questions I am going to put down here. They relate to the submission process while allowing one to make better decisions.

Online, many will submit to anyone who will take them. I wonder if these people would do the same thing in real life. I can only presume they would. Their self confidence must be so low that they will take anyone who says "yes". This is what causes some of the major heartache that I witness.

I devised a list of questions which will help one to determine who he or she is dealing with. They are for a sub/slave to ask before submitting. The answers provided will offer insight into the capabilities of that person.

1. How long has he or she been involved in this lifestyle?
2. Up to this point, how many real time relationships (in this lifestyle) was this person involved in?
3. Why did he or she choose this way of life?
4. What caused the breakup of the last relationships (if there were any)?
5. Is he or she poly or is there in an interest in pursuing that in the future?
6. What are his/her ideas on punishments?
7. If the interaction is online, what is the procedure used to get this relationship into real time?
8. What is his/her home address, phone number, place of employment, marital status, and number of children? Be willing to get proof of each.
9. Is he/she going to ultimately relocate or will you?
10. Will you be allowed.required to work and if not, will he/she be able to support you?
11. What about children? If you have one (some) where does this person believe they enter into the lifestyle? How does he/she deal with that responsibility?
12. Is he/she experienced in BDSM play and running a scene?
13. Can you call/talk with the person at any hour of the day or are there only specified times he/she is available. If so, is there a valid reason for it?

These are all crucial questions to ask. It is time people stopped acting like idiots and think about what they are doing. If someone resists your inquiries by stating that a sub/slave has no right to ask that, tell him/her to go jump in a lake. This is your life we are talking about here. You have every right to make an informed decision. The proper information will allow you to do this. Follow these ideas to protect yourself.

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