Societal Limitiation

Today I am going to cover a topic that I feel is of the utmost importance when discussing the BDSM way of life.

Each of us is a product of our environment.  Without trying to sound like a conspiracy nut, I will state that we are all conditioned as to how to think.  Our belief system is something that is handed to us on a silver platter by those around us.  We can argue the motivation and intention of those doing it yet the bottom line is we are told what to believe.

This indoctrination process starts at a very young age.  Hitler and the Nazis knew the value of getting individuals in at a young age since this was the best time to affect their fertile minds.  Hence he established the Hitler Youth Groups that aided in this endeavor.  However, he was not the only one to notice this.  Religions of the world have used this same technique for many centuries to achieve the same end.  If you ask one who is devout in a particular faith, how he or she arrived at that belief system, you will ultimately find out it, in most cases, is the religion one was reared with.  Few take the time to research all the different religions.  Instead, they gravitate back to what they were conditioned to believe as a child.

The educational system does the same thing. This is a process where children are taken at a young age and "taught" what to believe.  Some might dispute this premise but the entire educational system is desired to churn out ones who are obedient in nature.  Many countries around the world are aiming to get a hold of the children at even a younger age.  In the UK, there is a movement to start kids in school at 2 years old (as if 4 is not young enough).  This is all done with the intention of further indoctrinating their minds into obedience.  Free thinking is not tolerated in the educational system.  The process is rote learning whereby one recited back what is learned like a robot.  Creativity and individuality is stamped out.

We see the influence on our conditioning when it comes to relationships.  In the Western countries, historically, we see the idea that sex is to be between a man and a woman.  Through this union, procreation is possible.  Most often, the belief is that this activity should take place only within the confines of marriage or some type of commitment.  In other words, heterosexual monogamy is the path that is offered.  Anything outside these parameters is considered abnormal and discouraged.  In fact, the disapproval of one who prefers something outside the traditional norms can be downright visceral.

Here is an example.  When many in the west look at the established relationship traditions in the Muslim world, they view it with condemnation.  The idea that a woman would be subject to a life without any freedoms whatsoever.  There she can be beaten, abused, and raped without any recourse.  It is part of their established belief system.  Women have no rights whatsoever while being viewed as property of their husbands.  To make matters even worse, if she does something that "shames the family", her own father or brothers might be the ones taking recourse against her.

The reason I bring this up is that much of the same behavior was acceptable in the Western cultures as little as 60 years ago.  Think back into the first part of the 20th century in the United States.  What recourse did most women have?  The truth is none.  Outside of Hollywood, where a woman had the ability to support herself, divorce was almost non-existent.  Thus, a woman was financially captive.  At the same time, domestic abuse was not even mentioned.  If a woman was beaten by her husband, going to the law usually amounted to nothing happening.  Perhaps they might stop by and tell him not to do that in the future but charges were not forthcoming.  Naturally, there were many instances where she got her ass beaten even worse for opening her mouth.  The law, family, and friends, while perhaps empathetic, were of no help.  Is this really any different from what takes place in the countries today under Islamic law?

My point is that there was a shift in the overall belief system in the United States over a period of a half a century.  At one time the idea of a woman being "captive" through financial and physical means was accepted.  It no longer is.  Young people of today were taught that it is not acceptable to beat a woman.  Young girls are told that they do not have to take the abuse of one and to leave upon the first sign of intolerable behavior.  Obviously, most agree this is a change for the better.  Nevertheless, the important factor for this discussion is how the societal mindset impacts the individual belief system.  If you believe (or conclude) that spousal abuse is acceptable in this era, your belief system is going to clash with what the norm is.  It is identical to having the belief that more than one spouse or having intercourse with a dog is preferred.  Each of these ideas goes counter to what society, at large, believes.  Therefore, most will state that sex with animals is inappropriate or that marriage is only between two people (even the laws are designed to reflect both of these ideas).

As most of us are well aware, the ideas we espouse in BDSM go counter to what society believes.  The idea that we establish our relationships upon power exchange concepts is baffling to most individuals.  What is ironic is that we are simply returning to an earlier time when this was an acceptable way to live.  The main difference, of course, is the idea of consent.  We are entering these situations with the approval of both parties.

At the same time, much of our activities are frowned upon.  The act of beating one is taboo in this day and age.  Laws are now in place to protect people from being treated in such a manner.  Again, we see the difference in our approach in that consent is required.  We do not promote the idea of one being randomly beaten for no reason.  Nor do we condone the idea of forced slavery upon the masses.  Everything in our way of life stems from consent and operating within the parameters that the individuals involved establish.  This is an personal thing designed by the two (or three/more) people directly involved.  Some of the parameters will include social conditioning if for no other reason that we have to interact in a "vanilla" world.  Nevertheless, the decision of how to behave within the confines of one's home is up to the parties in the relationship and not the overriding sentiment of the culture they live within. 

This brings up another point.  How does societal conditioning affect you and place limitation upon your decisions.  For example, are there certain sexual activities that you will not engage upon?  Of the top of my head, if you are male, what are your thoughts of another male giving you a blowjob?  If this is something that you find distasteful, my question is why?  Is it because you lack an attraction to men?  If this is the case, do you allow a woman to give you head if you are attracted to her?  Answering no to this means you do not require attraction to get a blowjob.  So what is the reason?  Is it because you feel homosexuality is wrong?  Do you believe guys should not suck off other guys?  Or is it something as basic as you find it gross?  Certainly we all have things we like and dislike.  My point is to question what your reasoning is.  Do you not want it because of ideas that were placed in your head over the course of decades pertaining to guy on guy sex?  Remember, we are all products of our environment and anyone over the age of 35 or 40 grew up with the indoctrination that homosexuality was not accepted by society.  Therefore, we must be mindful of this input in the conclusions we reach.

As you can see, when we investigate how society's influence affects us, we see how limiting it is.  Now I will state that simply because we are not operating out of societal conditioning, that does not mean we will like all things.  There are simply some activities, kink, or ideas that we are not into.  Personally, I do not understand the allure of scat and have no desire to engage in that activity on any scale.  This is a personal choice.  I find the entire genre distasteful (understatement) and want no part of it.  This conclusion is not based upon what society says is "right or wrong" but what I prefer.  It is an individual choice.

In closing, I want to stress how vital it is for you to examine all you believe.  If you undertake this exercise, be forewarned that you will be astounded how much of your belief system was implanted by others.  Part of the process of individuality is to determine what we believe for ourselves.  There are many concepts which we carry with us that we will agree with and keep.  However, there are many which we will want to cast off.  My point is to examine all your conclusions about this way of life, what you want in it, and the kink you are drawn to.  At the same time, investigate those things that you are turned off by.  What is the reasoning behind it?  If you do this, I think you will be amazed to find out that you often have no idea why you do not like something other than an ingrained idea which society placed deep within you many years ago.  Of course, if this is something you still agree with, then by all means keep it.  However, if you find that it no longer is applicable to you, then cast it aside.  Society likes to limit our choices by instilling a belief system within us that aligns itself with its' goals.  It is up to us to question that and create a system that works for us to reach the ends we desire.  This is the basic foundation of BDSM.

DN

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Cut Off Any Other Possibility

The self improvement guru, for whatever that is worth, Tony Robbins says "a true decision cuts off any other possible outcome".  This is a mindset that the most successful in life have.  If you study those who achieve tremendous results, it is their mindset that separates them from any other outcome.  It is easy to conclude it is their talent or they are lucky, but this is rarely the case.  Sure some have an in-born talent for, music as an example, but they spend hours upon hours honing those skills.  It is amazing how luck seems to increase the harder one works and the more prepared he or she is.

My question to you is how often have you made a decision about BDSM and cut off any other outcome?  It is my observation that so many enter this way of life or, more specifically, get into a D/s or M/s relationship, with the intention of "trying things out".  If you read the above paragraph, you will realize that the truly successful did not attain the heights they did because they were simply trying something out.  Yes they experiment, research, and look for alternative avenues to pursue but they are resolved in their desire to succeed in that particular endeavor.

We simply need to look at how many approach BDSM to see that the mindset is the exact opposite.  Instead of being committed and resolved to living this way of life, people approach it like buying a blouse or going car shopping.  The "I'll try it out" model seems to be the norm.  Now, I certainly agree that people enter this way of life without knowing if it is for them or not and "research" is required.  I also fundamentally believe this is not for everyone.  Many people are better suited to live in a traditional relationship.  BDSM is difficult in many ways and the freedom that comes along with it is too much.  It also is a way of life that is vastly different from what people are accustomed too, hence making it an uncomfortable situation.

What makes this situation even more interesting is those people who are around this way of life for a while, perhaps years, yet decide one day to give up BDSM and go back to "vanilla".  This obviously is a result derived from the frustration of dealing with the pretenders and other assorted misfits.  I will be the first to admit that what takes place on a daily basis is extremely frustrating.  Nevertheless, this is where the mindset enters the picture.  When one is truly committed to this way of life and succeeding in it, there is no other outcome.  As Robbins says, all other possibilities are cut off.  In fact, they do not even exist.  When one is in this frame of mind, the frustration level might be high but it is not overwhelming.  The desire to succeed means that one shakes off the pain and moves on...the quest continues.

Human ingenuity is amazing.  We have the ability to achieve sensational things when we set our mind to it.  I am not sure if you are a proponent of intention but I found the human mind has incredible power.  When one sets forth an intention and earnestly pursues it, the outcome tends to be what he or she desired in the majority of the cases.  Those who take control of their minds in this way are the ones who excel.  Contrast that with the masses who tend to emit their fears and focus upon the negative.  Is it any wonder that is what they create in their lives?  Those who see everything going wrong or always asking "why me" tend to get more bad stuff.  What we focus upon materializes.  If you question that, look at your own life.  What are you focusing upon regularly?  Do you operate from strength or fear?  Which is more common in your life?  Once you determine that, you will see that your outcomes, for the most part, mirror that.  Those who see failure as not only an option, but as likely, tend to follow that thought pattern.  It is amazing how thoughts can become things.

At this point, I will interject my usual caveat to what I just said.  Obviously, we need to balance our thoughts with a bit of common sense.  There are situations which are totally hopeless.  In fact, there are many arrangements that are not only hopeless, but also dangerous.  I am not telling someone to stick his/her head in the sand and ignore major warning signs that could potentially be harmful.  There are a lot of ill-intentioned people, especially under the umbrella of BDSM.  The abusers are big in number and meant to be avoided at all costs.  If you find yourself involved with someone who is exhibiting signs of being dangerous, it is best to leave.  Do not try to apply a positive mindset in a situation like this.  Get your ass out.  Also, there are just some deals that are cooked for whatever reason.  Relationships are a tough thing and people change over time.  Even if the intentions were there to start, perhaps the growth paths deviated and you are no longer compatible.  Whatever the reason, there are times when it is best to move on.  Of course, this does not necessarily denote "failure".  If you gave a solid effort and it was not reciprocated, pulling yourself out of that circumstance is often the best option.

If you talk to people who were married for decades, you will find their time together was not without difficulty.  It is fantasy, I feel, for people to deal with each other over such a long period of time and not to encounter obstacles.  Regardless of the power exchange make up, there are things that arise on a regular basis which will try even the strongest of relationships.  What I noticed about those who are together long term is their commitment to get through the rough patches.  It is almost as if their mindset is simply there is no other choice but to move past this however we can.  Their resolve is firm.  This is a far cry from the "tire kicker" who is just trying a relationship out.  I wonder the success rate of those in the traditional model of relationships if they were not fully committed to their sexuality.  Obviously the idea of being married to a woman might be in constant jeopardy if one did not believe himself heterosexual (in fact we have seen this with some who knew they were homosexual yet were in long term marriages because they were not comfortable with their feelings and desires...amazing how catastrophic societal conditioning can be).

I would suggest you look at your own views towards BDSM and your relationship(s) if in one.  Do you think there is an exit for you?  Are you willing to "try it" knowing you can always change your mind later?  Do you carry the idea of permanence towards BDSM in your life or even the relationship you are in?  Again, there is a chance that things do not work out but having the mindset that this is going to last is paramount.  The idea of commitment is lost in this era throughout society.  We change jobs, houses, cars and even spouses at the drop of a  hat.  Loyalty is a lost quality with people leaving without notice.  Employees have no loyalty to a company who, in turn, have the same outlook.  People enter marriages only to leave within the first two years.  In short, it seems people enter situations with the mindset of leaving.  Perhaps this will explain why so many interactions, both business and personal, fail.  People simply lack the resolve to hang in there until success is achieved.

Perhaps it is time to cut off any other possibility than what you desire.  Do you not think you owe that to yourself?

DN 

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You Are Not On Fetlife..What Is Wrong With You?

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Beyond The "Whip and Chain" Mindset

It seems that I am about to embark upon another multi-piece tangent.  I find it really amazing what can be stimulated mentally by interacting with others even if just reading their profile entries.  The mindset of one is quickly revealed which, then, starts me to ponder even deeper the thoughts and ideas I have within me.  Through this, I find that I reveal more of what is within my core and what I think about this way of life.

I have repeatedly stated, BDSM is not about the "whips and chains".  Many seem to focus upon that aspect believing that this life is centralized around tying ones up and beating them to fulfillment.  Certainly, that is an aspect of things but it is not the largest part.  In fact, what many call play is simply a means to an end.  In other words, it is a vehicle which conveys a deeper meaning if one really searches it.

 It is crucial that BDSM is a giant paradox.  Those who fail to understand this central point are living under a delusion of sorts.  What appears on the surface is completely opposite of what is true at the next level down.  That is why so many on the "outside" have a particular view about certain things which we, within this, know to be untrue.  Their lack of in-depth knowledge creates an illusion.  It is from this basis that they judge what is transpiring without true understanding.  This is part of the natural human condition and hard to alter.  Nevertheless, once someone starts to experience what I am referring to and gain understanding about what BDSM truly offers, he or she quickly sees past the misguided viewpoints of those who do not comprehend it.

BDSM is about freedom.  Ironic that a way of life that uses terms such as bondage, slavery, and obedience is about freedom but that is the case.  On the surface, enslaving one is a limiting behavior.  According to societal norms, it is.  However, when one delves deep within herself, if truly a slave, she will determine that slavery is not confining but her path to freedom,  It is a liberating experience to undertake for one of this ilk.  Instead of detracting from her life, it enhances.  Through the dependence upon another person, she is able to forge her own internal path and grow.  Within the parameters that he establishes, she is able to enhance her trust, discipline, and ability to handle responsibility.  Her desire to please and serve motivates her to better herself in all areas.  All subs/slaves want their owners to be proud of them.  It is through the seeking of approval of one (not the masses), that one embarks upon that which is natural...to be the best person she can be.

BDSM is about growth.  Those who enter this way of life seeking to fulfill some present moment need are quite common.  However, those who remain in it and do what I call "living it" move past this mindset.  Naturally, all of us arrive here, through whatever medium, because there is a deep-seeded craving within us.  To be blunt, if we were fulfilled in the traditional realm, we would have never sought this way of life.  It is only through our pain in that arena that we started looking for something different.  Many of us find the answer in BDSM.

That said, for us to succeed in this sphere, as in most aspects of life, growth is a crucial element.  When you understand that we seek to be more, then you are starting to grasp what this truly means.  Whips and chains are simply tools.  They are not the end.  Focusing upon them shortchanges what is truly needed.  This lowers the standard that ultimately negates a great deal of the power of BDSM.

BDSM is about honor and character.  These are terms that are thrown around rather easily yet few seem to truly grasp the magnitude of what they mean.  It is these concepts that tells me BDSM is about holding myself to a higher standard than society accepts.  We are to grow mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and inter-personally.  It is through our daily interactions, both with BDSM and "Vanilla" people, that we show what is deep within us.  Are we acting in manners similar to everyone else?  Do we blindly go through life causing pain wherever we go?  Do we respond to people by giving back what they put out to us?  Or do we hold ourselves to a higher ideal and refuse to lower ourselves to their level?  Childish behavior need not be met with more childish behavior.  At some point, an adult has to emerge.  Taking responsibility for oneself, whether dominant or submissive, if a central tenet.  All control starts with the person you are seeing in the mirror each morning.

The person I am emerges in all the decisions I make throughout the day.  Where am I acting honorably in the things I do on a daily basis and where am I not?  How am I behaving when nobody is watching?  What thoughts pass through my mind when I am alone?  Where do I allow fear to dictate what I do?  Apart from subs and slaves, when it is just me, myself, and I, how do I behave?  Is it more important for me to impress others or remain true to the ideals/principles I established for myself?  In fact, have I truly established a belief system for myself or do I subscribe to what others implant upon me?  Am I a "free" thinker in the sense that I am able to make my own decisions without depending upon the opinions and approval of others?  In short, do I create my own life or have it dictated to me by outside influences, many that exist for that sole purpose?

BDSM is liberating.  It allows us to cast off what society implements which we feel is restricting. Living in the real world means we do not engage in total anarchy in terms of our behavior.  However, in our minds, we develop a thought process that works for us.  We determine our beliefs because we question those things we were taught.  That which is applicable in our lives, we keep; that which is not, is cast aside.

We do not subscribe to blind obedience.  One obeys the person she CHOOSES to obey.  It is a conscious choice she makes.  She opts for this only after determining for herself that he is worthy of being obeyed.  Compare that with society, which through establishment and position, certain institutions and people demand obedience.  It is not consensual nor is it earned.  We see the absurdity in this when one enters this way of life proclaiming to be dominant and then demanding respect and obedience from a sub/slave.  It is rather easy to see through this when it occurs yet few expand their vision out to society at large.  In my view, the absurdity is just as common.  Certainly, there are times when we all have to adhere with what society says.  My point is not to influence mass rebellion especially by those who end up without a clue.  It is, however, to make one aware of when he or she is adhering to societal norms and how it is demanded.  I cannot stress enough that we live within society hence are subject to certain behaviors.  BDSM people are not about throwing the way we live upon those who have no desire to see or be a part of this.  That mindset is us acting like them.  Again, the standard comes into play.  We structure our lives as we see fit while knowing the others have freedom to do the same for themselves.  Our "way" is not right, not the only path, not for all.  In the end, it is the route for us.

It is through enslavement that one finds freedom for herself.
It is through pain that one finds pleasure and release.
It is through surrender that one is empowered.
It is through questioning that one finds answers.
It is through dependence that one can stand on her own two feet.
It is through restriction that all is opened up to us.
It is only through limits that one removes limitations.

BDSM is about infinite possibilities. 

DN

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Success Comes From Total Commitment

I am going to tangent off my series about domination, to write a post about a different matter altogether.  This is something that I touched upon in the past yet feel it is vital to cover again.

My observation is that this way of life gets a lot of what I call "tire kickers".  Since it is an "alternative" lifestyle, I find this not that outlandish.  If we are honest, this is something that few of us were ever exposed to growing up.  Most of us were indoctrinated into the mindset of what is considered to be normal relationships.  The idea that a relationship (the capital "R" one) is made up of a man and a woman, in a lifelong commitment, which is the foundation of the family unit is what was presented to us.  Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal.  This idea is hammered into us by not only our own parents but the religious institutions, educational facilities, and advertisers.  Other avenues of pursuit are not condoned, hence overlooked by most of us.

This all changes as we age.  Most of us ended up in BDSM because there was something missing for us in the traditional model.  Whatever the situation was, there was something within us that wanted/needed more.  Of course, few of us knew what that was but it is was the impetus that started our search.  This is where I will give kudos to the Internet.  Most of my regular readers know I call it a double edged sword.  However, as an educational/research vehicle this medium excels.  It allows us to research some of the feelings and desires that are within us.  After clicking for a few different websites, usually porn related (although not always) we see there is an arena that turns us on.  I would say the vast majority of us find this way of life through our kink desires and ideals.  It is our genitalia that is leading the way.  Nevertheless, many start to research a bit beyond the kink websites to realize there is an actual way of life here that people are involved it.

The depth and point people go to is impossible to judge.  That said, it is easy to recognize when someone is new and looking to see what this way of life is all about.  I am all for those researching all they can before getting involved fully.  My view is very candid, this way of life is not for everyone.  Also, there are many different facets and turns that one can pursue and it is only through one's internal search can he or she determine what fits best on an individual basis.

At the same time, I must mention that everyone has different desires in terms of the level that they want to go to with this way of life.  Some simply prefer a way to spice up their marriage and add a little fun in the bedroom.  People of this ilk tend to want to implement some bondage or impact play to their sex lives.  The power exchange is a romantic fun way to interact.  Outside of having a few accessories in the night stand, their lives are the same.  These individual do not make BDSM a way of life.  Instead they opt to simply engage in some light play periodically.

Then we have the other end of the spectrum.  These are the individuals who make BDSM the central, focal point of theirs lives.  They live this, literally, 24/7.  I do not know how they survive, but each minute of the day is BDSM related.  They tend to not interact much with the vanilla world.  The whips and chains (along with the clothing) are prevalent at all times.  This is the opposite extreme, something that few of us get to.

 Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes.  We are committed to having BDSM as a central premise in our lives yet we still operate/interact with those who are from every walk of life.  From the outside, our lives look like everyone else in the neighborhood.  Our kids are dressed like the other children while we show up at work with few knowing what we are involved in.  Sure, there might be times when one has a butt plug in her ass but, then again, how do we know she is the only one in the office like that?  Nevertheless, our day is pretty similar to the rest of the world.  Being involved in BDSM, for the majority of us, simply is a foundation by which we structure our lives.  The exterior mirrors most other people.

Getting back to our "tire kickers", these are individuals who feel that BDSM is like trying on a blouse, you put it on and if you do not like it, move on.  The Internet, as I said, has exposed this way of life to many more people.  Because of that, there are going to be a multitude who are drawn to some aspect of this, perhaps just a curiosity, before returning to their vanilla existence.  They will interact with a few online, maybe even go to an event or two, and then leave when they find someone to get involved in who is not in this way of life.  Basically, this person is experimenting and searching while lacking any commitment.  This is natural of course since the person has no idea if this is what he or she wants.  In the end, it might have just been a passing fancy.  Whatever the reason, the individual simply moves on with a bit more knowledge and experience than before.

In life, success in any endeavor requires commitment.  This is a common idea and one that I am sure few, if any, are surprised at.  If you watch anyone who excels in any area, it is easy to see how much work went into him or her attaining that talent.  Olympic athletes often spend years training in their craft before and after school.  Musicians spent untold hours practicing his or her instrument over the course of a decade or more before becoming a professional.  What is ironic is people seem to think that BDSM is something that they do not need to be committed to.  To me, this makes little sense since it is this commitment that gets one through the difficult times and pushes us to keep going.

The truth is that we all encounter frustration with dealing with the BDSM world, especially online.  There are so many games played that it can be frustrating.  However, for those who are true to themselves, we realize there is no other option.  The reason why we ended up here is because the traditional realm left us lacking in something.  It is interesting to watch people, when their frustration level rises, return to that world believing that it will be any different.  From what I hear, the same games we encounter online in BDSM are also on match.com and other sights of that sort.  In other words, things are not really any better over there.

I can understand the frustration.  On both the submissive and dominant side of things, there are a lot of idiots.  The bottom line is that we have to sift through a lot of trash to find what we seek.  That simply is the nature of the game.  To get upset when this reality emerges is foolhardy.  As tough as it might be, we simply have to keep going.  Frustration cannot be allowed to win.  To succeed in this, we need commitment.  Cutting off any other possibility is what is required.  It might take a while, but we will find what we seek.  Being committed to this outcome is a central premise in our success.  As I said before, for most of us, going back to strictly vanilla is not in the cards.

I recently read this "I am done with that part of my life".  From what I could gather, this was a woman who identified herself as a baby girl.  Obviously, she encountered a great deal of frustration at not finding a daddy "who would love and cherish" her.  This is common.  What struck me in reading about this individual is that she most likely did not belong in a relationship.  Her writings were littered with things such as "I am not good enough" or "I chased another one away".  It is obvious this individual has esteem issues that require attention.  The fact she was looking for someone to love her when she did not have that love for herself was one of her problems in my opinion.  She sought a worthwhile dominant yet had little to offer.  Her negative outlook on life was evident in everything she stated.

Another problem was her level of desperation.  She went on and on about her "daddy" who was ignoring her and not returning her calls or texts.  This went on for months obviously.  What is interesting is she mentioned that she asked him to be her daddy, he was not in BDSM before this.  She even filled out the slave register as his property.  WTF?  She got involved with someone who was not in BDSM, was not a dominant other than the fact she thought he was dominant (domineering more likely), and then is surprised when he ignores her totally.  Obviously, I am not condoning this guy's behavior.  Hell, he can not even be termed a good boyfriend.  It is rather obvious that he is a user and a game player.  That aside, she went on and on  how she loved him and craved the same from him.

And now for the big twist.  On the same day of proclaiming how much she loved him, she posted how she was attracted to another guy and he turned her down.  It was because of this that she was done with "this part of her life".  Wow.  So the guy you love rejects you and your response is to get with another dominant?  What a great way to enter into a relationship, get involved with someone to use them to get away from the feelings you have.  Leaving the absurdity of that aside, my main point here is the idea that "she is done with that part of her life".  To me, this begs the question, what are her other options.  Is she going to go back to vanilla?  I am going to hypothesize that she did not have raging success there.  At the same time, is she going to just ignore what her core is telling her.  I am going to presume she realizes that she is submissive and desires someone to take her.  Hell, it is pretty obvious that she craves that aspect in her life since she enslaved herself to someone who is not in this way of life (and most likely does not want to be) and then offers herself up to someone else while still being attached to this guy.  Yet she is going to allow her frustration to turn away from this and move on.  Now, obviously there is a chance, after she pulls herself out of the abyss somewhat, she might change her mind.  However, the fact that she is even thinking about it shows her lack of commitment.

In closing, I just want to re-iterate how important it is to be committed to this way of life.  For those who want this as a foundation, it is vital that we do not allow frustration and other missteps along the way to deter us.  Whatever you desire, you can have it.  The caveat is you have to be willing to keep pursuing it.  The online world made BDSM that much more difficult since anyone with a keyboard can become whatever he or she desires.  Unlike the past, the screening process is non-existent.  Nevertheless, as I stated, the options are few.  We must keep plugging along until we reach our desired ends.  That is what leads to success, both in BDSM and all areas of our lives.

DN

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The Art of Domination Part 5

This is an evolving series in some of the things that it takes to be dominant.  Please check out part 1 (here), part 2 (here), part 3 (here), and part 4 (here).

 Today I am going to discuss something that ties into self esteem.  I find that an important part of domination is being your own man and really not putting a lot of stock into what others think.  Now, please bear in mind I am not referring to being a total jackass and running around like you know all there is to know.  As the old saying goes, all our poop stinks.  However, when one is truly confident, that is something that really appeals to those who are submissive.  Confidence is a wonderful aphrodisiac.

We all know about the "bad boy" image and how many women are attracted to that.  What is it that is the allure?  Quit simply, bad boys are those who walk to their own beat.  They are exciting, confident, and dangerous.  Non-conformity is part of their essence while living life as they see fit.  Their decisions are not based upon societal norms.  Rather, they are individualistic in their views operating in a manner that society looks down upon.  This freedom is very appealing to many.

How does this contrast with BDSM?  Now I am not stating that one has to be a law breaker or suddenly live outside the bounds of society.  In fact, this is truly an impossibility.  As one who is involved in BDSM, I realize that a large aspect of my life is interacting with people on a daily basis who do not have the same views I have.  Even though I am a "rebel" to the conditioning of society, as all people are who are in BDSM, I am conscious of the fact that it is not my place to force others to witness my choices.  My rebellion, if you will, is in the mind as opposed to overt action.

I feel that all of us need to make our own choice regarding what we want from life.  Entrance into BDSM shows one shed the beliefs, at least to a degree, of society, instead opting for a interaction structure that is not espoused by the mainstream.  Many of us hit this point after bottoming out in the traditional model of relationships.  Society has their own views which tends to be counter to that of BDSM.  Obviously, those who questioned what they were taught growing up engage in a form of "mental rebellion".

That said, I do not feel it is enough for a dominant to simply cast off the ideas of society and feel that is it.  Instead, that is but a first step.  To truly dominate, one must have confidence in the path he is walking.  It takes courage to not adhere to the ideas and beliefs of others.  Naturally, an intelligent person will take the input from others, whether verbally or in writing, and process it.  There are many others that we can learn from to enhance all areas of our lives.  However, ultimately, one needs to make the decision of what works best for him (and those involved in his life).  This can mean that one runs counter to some who are even in this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it is how you live your life and the interaction you have on a personal level with those in your life that matters.

A common trait of societal conditioning is the idea of making what others think about you important.  We see this with the advertising industry constantly.  The entire premise of "keeping up with the Joneses" mirrors this.  In essence, it is saying you are not enough unless you own this particular product and that message is delivered to all those around us.  Image is everything meaning what others think about you is the central focus.  Of course, this is total garbage but we are pounded with this idea from a young age.  In fact, peer pressure plays an important role from our earliest of development years.  Remember when having the right sneakers was vital and what happened if you had a pair that was considered outside the realm of acceptable.  Ridicule is not a fun thing, something kids can be ruthless at dispensing.  This mindset simply moved from sneakers to the right luxury car or house to live in.  The only change was the price tag.

A true dominant will not fall prey to these tactics.  He is his own man and does not need anyone else to tell him what choices to make.  He realizes that he is enough on his own while his worth, as a person and a dominant, is not measured by the car he drives or clothing he wears.  Now, I am not going to say that he does not enjoy the finer things in life.  It is not uncommon for those in BDSM to be more successful financially than the average person.  With this comes the ability to afford the nicer automobile or live in a bigger house.  The point is the dominant will decide on these things because he wants them, not because he is concerned about what the neighbors think.  Image is not everything to him.  Instead, who and what he is receives the greatest emphasis.  Enjoying his success in a material way is secondary to the person he is.  In other words, he purchases or does those things that make him happy.  Other people's views, especially strangers, mean nothing to him.

It takes great courage to live in this manner.  At the same time, one needs to constantly check his motives when doing things.  This is not an easy path to walk.  The temptation to adhere to what society promotes is strong.  We all have years of conditioning, something that did not stop upon entering BDSM.  Madison Avenue is still bombarding us with ads and ideas that tie our self esteem to our net worth.  Again, this is flatly rejected by our dominant.  Like the bad boy I mentioned earlier, he is not concerned about the opinions of others.

Sadly, we see this idea brought into the lifestyle.  Many like to attend events, parties, and conventions.  For many, this is an enjoyable time to interact with those who are like-minded, to learn different things, and to feel a part of the community that we have.  This is a wonderful thing for one to do if that is his or her ilk.  However, the downside to this is there are some who attend the different gatherings with a different motivation.  Instead of being there for community, we often see some who want to show off.  In other words, their ego or esteem is tied to the viewpoints of others.  One example that comes to mind is the master who has his two, young hard-bodied slaves on a leash walking throughout the convention or standing and posing for all to see.  This was a situation that was relayed to me about a particular individual.  It seems he tied great importance to having others look at him with envy.  As first year psychology student will tell you this just screams of insecurity.  Now, please tell me how domination and insecurity can co-exist?  The answer is they cannot.  Of course, it is fair to say that this simply could be the place this individual was at on his path and he will evolve over time.  Nevertheless, I use this as an example of someone who is operating out of low esteem.

Let us contrast that with the old, BDSM veteran in a particular community.  It is often not difficult to find someone who is in this way of life for many decades who still attends events I discussed.  Unlike the aforementioned insecure dominant, the one I am referring to here shows up for the enjoyment and interaction.  He goes about things without concern for the opinions of others.  He is will liked and respected.  His knowledge and experience is priceless, something that he is willing to share when asked.  Overall, he tends to be a nice guy, interacting with those he is involved with as he sees fit and the community at large.  His emphasis is on the connections and interactions he has, not on how he is viewed.  Even though often skilled in a particular area of the lifestyle, he has a degree of humility about him.  Naturally, he prefers to be liked but he understands not everyone will like him.  He does not go out of his way to make himself seen.  At the core, he comprehends his reason for being at the event and that true BDSM is lived in his home and through the day-to-day interactions with those under his care.  To him, BDSM is more about who he is (and becoming) than the show or the scene that he puts on.

Therefore, I see great importance at working on developing the self awareness within oneself to really not care about the opinions of others.  Again, I must stress, this does not mean that one walks around like a belligerent ass forcing others to accept his behavior.  This is another sign of insecurity.  A true dominant cares about others and their well being.  He is not there to create problems or mischief.  While not backing down when confronted, he will usually seek a resolution before something escalates.  His ego is not tied to be viewed as being right.  He knows that what is right and wrong is determined within him, not how others view it.  His submissive(s) will be fully aware of this and, most likely, is there because she is drawn to that.  Self doubt will creep in at times yet it is something that is quickly dispelled.   His actions are designed to appease himself, the one(s) under his care, and those closest to him (such as family).  Outside of that, the views of others are not given any consideration.  He is his own man, confident, self assured, and honest in his intentions.

And that my friends is the part of the core essence of domination.

DN  

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The Art of Domination Part 4

It seems this has morphed from a couple of posts into a series.  Either way, you can read Part 1 (here), Part 2 (here), and Part 3 (here).

 Over the past couple of posts, I covered a few different areas that one should focus attention when determining the merits of one's domination.  This applies equally to those who are interacting with a dominant as well as the individual dom looking at himself.

Today I am going to deal with the big elephant, fear.  Fear is something that all humans beings need to control.  We all encountered those individuals who were totally driven by fear to the point of paralysis (not literal but in terms of the ability to take action).  Their fears are so strong that they, ultimately, sabotage their lives.  This is really emphasized when we see the decisions one makes.  It is through these decisions that we can determine how well one controls fear.

Before delving deeper, it is best if I explain fear and the different components.  While many think it is a fairly clear cut topic, the truth is there are many different layers.  Understanding what is natural versus a figment of the imagination is crucial.

Fear is a natural part of our biological makeup.  Many term this the "fight or flight" response.  This is a physical state that is designed to protect it.  We know this sensation when we are in a difficult physical situation where our senses need to be heightened.  Obviously, this faculty carried a bit of greater importance back in our hunting and gathering days when physical danger from nature was ever present.  However, it is still something that resides within us and appears at time.  The basic function is to enable us to use all our powers for either fighting the danger or running our rear ends off.  Either option is meant to protect us in a perilous situation.

I would like you to take notice that I wrote the term "physical state".  The fight or flight response is derived from external stimulus.  In other words, there is a real threat.  We encountered a situation, walking around a corner and seeing a bear for example, that necessitates all our physical power.  The adrenaline is rapidly pumped into our muscles, the heart rate quickens, and our breathing gets very short.  It is through this rapid change that we are either best suited to fight the bear or try to out run it.  Once the danger is eliminated, all sensations that arose are diminished back to our previous state.  Again, I want to stress the physical component aspect.

As I noted, this form of fear was more common in ancient times when danger was ever present.  Nevertheless, today we find the same reaction when we narrowly avoid an accident when driving or we see our child in a dangerous situation.  It is fairly easy to see how the body is in an excited state even a few minutes after the event passes.

It is easy to conclude there is no controlling the state I just mentioned.  Since it is natural we know it exists.  Also, it is beneficial to us to have this skill when needed.  However, when talking about fear, this is not the aspect that most have difficulty with.  The fear that I am now going to focus upon is all mental.  It is here where one does not operate based upon external stimulus but, rather, internal ideas in one's head.  Sadly, what one is fearing is not real yet a figment of the imagination and this is exactly what a dominant needs to control.

A fundamental aspect of fear is that, for it to exist, one needs to project from the here and now to a time in the future.  This is common since few of us are schooled in the art of present moment thinking.  It seems, as humans, we tend to spend most of our lives worried about something we think will happen or regretting something that happened in the past.  Regardless of which direction we go, our minds are not in the present moment.  Another problem with the idea of projecting is few of us seem to do it in the positive.  When we look ahead to a future event, we associate the worst possible outcome.  Of course, this instills fear within us, a situation that is compounded since we tend to repeat the same process over and over until the day of "reckoning" comes.  What is ironic is that often the thing we were fretting over did not come off as anticipated.  Usually, things seem to work out better than one projected.  It is only after the fact that one, if honest, will realize the waste of effort and time it was to worry in this manner.  Nevertheless, we continue to do it failing to learn the lessons provided.

Control of oneself starts in the mind.  If one cannot control what he thinks, or more importantly, his response to what is thought, then he is a puppet to his emotions.  There is no way to eliminate the ideas that pop into our heads.  Oftentimes, it is equally as difficult to not feel the feelings associated with those ideas.  However, one who is in control of himself will have the ability to ignore what is going on within oneself and take the action required.  There is an old saying "courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of the fear".  This is very true and something we should all pay mind to.

Fear, at least the type I am referring to, manifests itself in many different ways.  Some of the forms of fear you will see are anger/rage, passive aggressiveness, terror, negativity, and hopelessness.  Understanding what "methods" one opts for when dealing with the fear inside himself is crucial.  We all tend to be drawn to a couple of different ways of dealing with the mental fear we create.  Some are eternally angry always going off the deep at the slightest provocation.  This is something who is afraid of not having total control and he feels that rage is a macho way to express that fear.  Sadly, we all know that underneath he is just scared.  Whatever the chosen path, it is crucial that one overcome this tendency while remembering it is all a mind game.

Another area where this is evident is in the decisions made.  Many people are paralyzed when it comes to making decisions.  A large part of being dominant is providing leadership.  The ability to acquire the necessary information, process said data, and have the ability to make a decision is crucial.  The difficulty arises when one realizes that all decisions are not easy and many are met with ill favor.  As it pertains to one's life, it is often difficult to let go of things or people yet is often required.  Much is the same way as it could be very trying for a CEO to make the decision to lay off 5,000 people, it is equally difficult for a dominant to release a sub.  Not only is the submissive upset but there is also a good chance he is giving up something in his life.  However, there are times when standing on principle or removing some toxicity is more important.  Those who are adept at leading will make the hard choices while those who cower from it will be left in the lurch.  Therefore, determining if one is capable of making the hard decisions is paramount. 

I will give you an example that was recently related to me by a slave regarding her situation.

There was a master who had a poly household.  In this situation, he had two, I believe, subs/slaves with one who being long distance.  Without getting into the dynamics of each relationship, the basic issue was that the live in slave was threatened and jealous of the one who visited.  She went so far as to sabotage the relationship with the other on a continual basis.  From what was explained, she was doing things such as slandering her at the local dungeon and play parties.  This, evidently, went on for some time.

At this point I must say that it is my personal belief that sabotage is something that should never be tolerated.  If a dominant is in the poly lifestyle, he needs to be sure he opts of submissives/slaves that are into that also.  The poly life is not an easy one to live yet so many state they want it without really being aware of how difficult it is.  Nevertheless, one who cannot handle her jealousy in a constructive manner and opts to try to sabotage the relationship that the dominant has with another is never going to be suited for this type of arrangement.  Therefore, the dominant needs to take a hard look at what is going on within his home and make a decision.  To me, the one who is sabotaging is at fault and needs to be dealt with.

In the situation that was mentioned to me, the dominant chose to eliminate the long distance slave while keeping the one who was under his roof.  On one level, this makes total sense.  The long distant one did not provide the same level of service to him that the one who was close to him did.  He obviously wanted this individual in his life and I can respect that.  However, if he is intent on having a poly household, at some point, this slave, from what I can see, seems ill suited for this arrangement.  Yes there is a fear associated with eliminating someone who is there and being "alone".  Nevertheless, this is a situation where one needs to be in control of his fear and make a decision based upon principle, not emotion.  Losing someone is never easy yet it seems he was pushed into this position.  One who engages in under handed behavior is showing what she is.  She, in effect, is saying that what she wants is more important that what the dominant wants and she is going to do all in her power to get things as she desires them.  This is not slavery in my opinion.

I use this illustration to make a point.  Of course, there is no way to know the circumstances fully nor the thought process of this particular dominant.  My effort here is to exemplify how, at times, it is difficult to make a choice especially when you know that no matter which option you select, there will be pain.  This example shows how a dominant chose, at least on the surface, to take the easier path.  He "lost" less by eliminating the long distance slave while keeping the live in one.  The problem is that this situation will arise again in the future the second he adds another.  It appears to me a central problem here is the insecurity of the live in slave.  Unless that is tended to, he will be on the same merry-go-round with her.  I am going to hypothesize this was not the first time she engaged in this behavior.  In the end, this dominant ignored the basis of the problem and submitted to his fear of losing out on someone who is there (please note this is all speculation on my part and used as an example).

As you can see, fear can affect situations in many different ways.  Controlling that fear and making decisions in spite of what one is feeling is crucial.  A simple fact is there are times in life when we have to do things which we are not thrilled about.  Regardless of the circumstances, those who are most successful are able to take the action required in spite of what they are feeling.  This same trait applies to the BDSM world.  Being a leader is a vital part of being dominant and that entails doing that which is not always popular or easy.  However, those who are able to stand on principle are able to hold their head up high.  And that is worthy of the esteem of another.

DN 

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The Art of Domination Part 3

This is the third part of my ongoing posts about domination.  If you did not read the first two parts, they are located here and here.

 In the past article, I mention the first two areas to focus upon if one is truly dominant.  Today, I am going to add a couple more to the list.

When interacting with a potential dominant, it is vital to watch how he lives his life as compared to what he says.  It is easy to boast about being dominant.  However, those that take that approach tend to be domineering.  They live according to the idea of do as I say, not as I do.  Before one can control another, he must first be in control of himself.  This will be evident in the way he lives his life.  There are signs which will alert you to whether this guy has dominion over his life or is totally out of control.

3. Emotion

The third area to concentrate upon, after physical and financial, is in the area of emotions.  A true dominant strives to have control over his emotions.  If one cannot control this vital aspect of himself, then all is lost.  Obviously, this extends outside the realm of BDSM and penetrates every aspect of one's life.  We all have encountered those people who fail to keep their emotions in check.  Whether it be anger emerging with out bursts being borderline embarrassing or one who cries uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, we see people who fail to maintain their composure.  It is easy to see, how people in this situation, lack control.  They are simply puppets to their emotions which are their master.  Therefore, I would suggest you pay close attention to any potential dominant who fails to keep his composure in pressure situations.  This is a sign of someone who, underneath, truly lacks the control you might require.

Of late, especially in the NFL, we witnessed a rash of domestic battery cases.  Without delving into the psychological details, I will state simply that these are individuals who are totally out of control.  Naturally, they play a game that is violent and predicated, often, upon violent outbursts.  It is extremely physical and, on many levels, barbaric.  Sadly, it is obvious that many of these individuals cannot leave the violence on the field.  For whatever reason, even though they make a ton of money and are adored by millions, they still have the insecurity which leads them to be unable to handle confrontations in an adult manner.  What is truly repulsive is they end up preying upon the "fairer sex" by their behavior.  How difficult is it for a man who outweighs a woman by 80-150 pounds (often sheer muscle) to beat her ass (and not in the way we like)?  The simple truth is he lacks the ability to maintain control in a domestic argument and has to resort to violence.  A person of this ilk dominants nothing.

This type of behavior or mindset is not exclusive to the NFL.  BDSM is an umbrella that many abusers hide under.  Obviously, we are in a way of life that condones the beating of another as long as it is consensual.  There are some who are into pain so much that you could term it torture.  They enter an arena where the beatings are rather cruel and violent.  Again, since it is consensual, and desired, it is condoned.  The line is crossed when one engages upon this sort of behavior against the will of a submissive/slave.  This is where, in my view, the behaviors enters the abuse arena.  One who opts for this path is no different than the NFL quarterback who beats up his girlfriend repeatedly.  AN abuser is an abuser.

When involved in a scene, a true Master/Dominant will be in full control of his emotions at all times.  He will not engage in this activity while he is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  Also, he will refrain from it when he is not in the proper mindset.  I recall one instance where I promised a slave I owned a beating but reneged on that promise since I had an awful day at work and was in an angered state.  Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to understand what frame of mind I was in and the danger I posed.  Let us be honest, few of us are going to be able to "turn the other cheek" or be philosophical about much of what happens in life by stating to ourselves "all is well".  The reality is there are times were are going to lose it emotionally.  Yes, it is best to keep those emotions in check.  However, it is equally important to know when we are in a bad space and remove ourselves from potential situations where we can cause damage.  The NFL players I mentioned obviously lacked this ability.  Sadly, the same is often true for dominants who take their anger or frustration out on a sub/slave.

Therefore, pay attention to how a dominant behaves emotionally.   If you see him regularly losing it, it might well be a sign that this guy truly is not in control of himself.   Naturally, if you are dominant and reading this, if you find yourself in this situation, do what you need to so as to remedy it.  Get the help you need so that you can improve in this area.  I think it is obvious how crucial this is.

Before heading to the next one, I was going to mention fear in this section but decided against it.  The reason I did this is because this is such a big topic, I will cover it in the next post.

4. Growth

This section is an encompassing section which covers a wide range of attributes.  I titled it "Growth" because I am a believer that we need to grow to move forward.  BDSM is all about growth.  We enter this way of life knowing little yet learn and expand as we go along.  The journey typically starts with our kinks (which most likely will expand over time) before extending with the realization that BDSM offers the opportunity to live life at a higher level.  What I mean by this is that true BDSM people will hold themselves to a higher standard than the rest of society.  This only makes sense when you realize the depth and risk associated with true power exchange.  A person who takes this from another needs to be responsible with that power.  It is something that the average person does not have to deal with in his relationship.  Here the dominant is fully in charge and needs to direct things.  He cannot absolve himself of the leadership position.

To cover some of the basic areas that growth is required, I will start with mental.  Under mental, I am referring to knowledge.  What is the dominant doing to expand his knowledge base in all areas?  Is he someone who sits around watching television all day long or does he at least pick up a book once in a while?  Does he visit different websites to learn about different things?  Are there hobbies he engages upon which expand his knowledge base and skills?  Is he studying for something that will improve his future, and through that, yours?  And finally, does he make it this way of life and his domination a study?  Too many seem to think, as I mentioned in the first post of this series, that having the quality of domination is enough.  Few realize that to truly dominate, one needs to make it a lifelong study.

Another area where growth is required is in regard to ones skills.  Focusing upon BDSM solely, for a moment, I will state that any dominant who is not expanding his abilities is going to lose those who are under his control.  A sub need to grow also and that comes, in part, by his ability to push her further.  Naturally, he needs to have the ability in a particular area before he can push her.  Sadly, I saw a great many M/s and D/s relationship end simply because the submissive outgrew the dominant.  She progressed while he sat back and felt it his place to be waited upon.  He deferred to her on all the effort while giving none himself.  Well, I have news for you, this is not a choice.  If you are dominant, it is your responsibility to expand and grow because a submissive is (or will) be dependent upon that.  Again, this is not a choice.  If you cannot handle this, perhaps you need to rethink your entry into this way of life.

In the next section, I will cover the big elephant in the room.  This is a telltale sign of how he controls that which is around him.

DN 

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What Does It Take To Be Dominant Part 2

In my last post (found here), I covered some of the basics of domination.  In that article I covered how domination is something that resides in the head, the same as submission yet it is our core that determines which way we lean.  This natural quality is present in everyone since, depending upon the situation, one has the ability to exert control over.  It does not require great insight to determine that even a submissive is not that way in ever instance.  There are times, work or in raising children, where she is required to handle the role of dominant.  While this is not the preferred option, it is something she is capable of.  At the same time, if a dominant has half a brain, he realizes there are times, like in court, where he is at the mercy of another.

I am going to start by delving into the idea that domination is natural.  It is common to see a submissive, especially when she is seeking help with her boyfriend, to state something like "my boyfriend is naturally dominant".  This is a belief that I sense many have.  Taken at face value, it makes some sense but it does require clarification.  As I mentioned, the quality of domination, like submission, are natural.  Both are present within everyone as evidenced by the fact that we all can embrace either role depending upon the situation.  Certainly, it is not comfortable submitting for a dominant yet it is often done.  The same is true for a submissive.  Therefore, I will agree that when one states so and so is naturally dominant, that is a true statement.

The problem arises in the fact that being naturally dominant does not mean one has the ability to dominate.  In other words, simply having the quality of dominance within oneself will not automatically translate to being a good Dom.  Domination is not a natural manifestation.  Yet it does spring from the quality of domination within a person but it requires a great deal more.  True domination necessitates self control, a willingness to take responsibility, dedication, motivation, education/knowledge, and the ability to overcome fear.  Ironically, this is just a small list of some of the attributes needed to excel at the art of domination.  I think you will agree simply being of "dominant nature" is not enough.

It is interesting to note that often those who are deemed naturally dominant have a life that is totally out of control.  I find the best way to measure the effectiveness of a person's domination is to look how he lives.  If you find many areas which seem overlooked or like they are not being tended to, this could be a sign that the "domination" you see is nothing more than a cover.  Remember when I wrote about cockiness not being true esteem but, rather, a way to mask one's personally held inferiority complex.  Cocky people tell you how great they are while confident people show you.  It is the same with domination.  A truly dominant person will have that attribute apply to every area of his life.

At this point I am going to cover some of the areas where you should see his domination manifest.  Again, like always, I am going to make some generalizations here which will encompass most individuals.  Of course, there are going to be individuals who fall out of the range of what I am discussing here or who have circumstances not deemed ordinary.  Yes there are exceptions but this can be a basic checklist to work from.

Inner qualities are manifested in the outer world.  Focusing upon the outer results will likely give you insight into the individual and what is operating within him.

Let us look at a few areas:

1. Physical body

I really love seeing the profile posts stating "I am looking for a fit sub/slave; one who takes care of her body and looks good for her owner".  Obviously, this is a fine desire until you read the specs on the person who posted this and realize he is 150 pounds overweight himself.  Come on...seriously?  And this person espouses to be dominant.

Let us look at some of the facts in this situation.  To start, it is no great secret that excess weight, especially obesity, causes many health issues while also shortening one's life.  Think of all the people you can who lived past the age of, say, 90.  How many of them were extremely overweight?  Very few.  In fact, consider those who lived past 80 and you will see the same thing.  Why is this the case?  Simple...the heavier people died.  So one who is coming from this perspective is basically stating "I do not care about living a long life with you".  In other words, get ready to bury his ass young.

I will specifically insert a caveat here.  I realize there are many who have conditions, such as certain medications, which make weight loss near impossible.  Obviously, these people have a valid reason for it.  However, with almost half the US either overweight or obese, I fail to see how this is the justification for most.  If you are in the 5% of people who have medical conditions/medicines that make weight loss impossible, ignore this.  On the other hand, if you do not fit into that category while also not fitting into your pants, maybe pay attention.

The problem with a dominant who fits into the category is that he lacks the qualities necessary to be in good shape.  In view of the shortened life, we can see how the motivation is lacking.  It takes effort to get in shape.  At the same time, it also requires self discipline to shed excess weigh.  One needs to get himself to the gym and work out 4/5 times a week while also eliminating those foods which are harmful to this endeavor.  The truth is we all like cake, ice cream, fast food, and candy.  However, those who are serious about being healthy and fit have the discipline to avoid these foods in mass quantities.  It is said that weight issues are 90% attributed to what we eat as compared to exercise.  One needs the ability to exercise control over what goes into his mouth.  Those who do not either do not care or they lack the ability.  Either is a red flag to me.

Please bear in mind, I am not stating that everyone needs to strive to have a body like a professional body builder.  That is an unrealistic option for most of us.  However, take the daily steps to ensure we are healthy and fit is a much different goal.  Walking 45 minutes a day had incredible healthy benefits.  Eating a diet with many fruits and vegetables aids greatly in getting the pounds off.  These are basic components for overall health.

One final point about this.  Not only can one think about the fact that one's overall healthy is important but also that a certain level of fitness is required for some of the activities we are involved in.  Much of the play in the BDSM world requires stamina and strength.  While one can succeed without being fit, one who is can take things further, hence providing his sub/slave with a enriched experience.

2. Finances

Again, we get to a sore subject with many people.  It is here that I have to admit many people encountered situations that were outside their control which led to dire circumstances.  Loss of job, divorce, or prolonged illness are all situations that arise unexpectedly and can cause extreme financial hardship.  More than one person has ended up in bankruptcy court (submitting to the judge) because of these events.  Many times, a person simply cannot rebound from these situations.  So, if you fall into one of these categories, you are exempt from this section of the article.

It does not require much research to realize that most people have no financial self control.  Credit card balances are so high that people are routinely spending 5%-10% more than they are earning.  The age of consumerism has taken full hold of us.  Sadly, the mass marketers are well aware of our inability to say no and hammer us with ads proclaiming how we need this new car or that latest phone.  Peer pressure is often added to the mix in the "keeping up with the Jonses" mentality.  This leads to excessive spending normally using credit in an effort to make oneself feel better.

It takes great strength to fly counter to what society promotes.  Of course, this is not a novel idea to those of us in the BDSM world.  Each of us had to reject the commonly held ideas of society pertaining to relationships or else we would not be in this way of life.  Certainly, it often was the result of pain that drove us to seek this but, nevertheless, at some point, we all had to question what we were taught.

The same lesson applies to money matters.  We are conditioned by the advertisers that we "deserve" to have whatever product they are selling.  At the same time, our worth and esteem is manipulated into believing that it is somehow tied to what we own in the form of the car we drive, house we live in, or shoes our kids wear.  Whatever the methodology that is used, the result is the same: to separate you from your money.  And trust me when I tell you, judging from the debt the average person has, these techniques are working very well.

A strong man is able to resist the insanity that is consumerism.  Now, that does not mean that he lives like a monk with no material possessions (although he might).  However, it does mean that this individual has the ability to live within his means while spending only on those things that are necessary in addition to select "luxuries".  A person of this ilk also will save and invest his money so that his future is brighter.  He also will have a fund set up to help alleviate one of the aforementioned circumstances should they unfortunately arise.

It takes great discipline to resist the temptation to spend without thought.  Just like with the proper diet, one has to motivate himself towards a greater end.  Sure, in the moment buying that item will provide satisfaction.  However, in the long run, if one ends up in debt because of a lack of financial discipline, the pain is much greater.

Now, please bear in mind that I am not saying that everyone needs to become a multi-millionaire.  Sure it would be great if it happened for all of us.  Nevertheless, regardless of your income (unless it is so low that you are borderline poverty), all of us can save.  A true dominant will control his spending and financial life.  This is not something that he will leave to chance.  Nobody likes the idea of budgeting, refusing one's desires, or hunting for bargains.  However, the fact that one is willing to do these things shows that he is willing to undergo the effort to control something that is vital.

In the next post, I will expand into a couple other areas which should be examined to see if one is truly dominant.  The point I want you to get is that domination starts with control over oneself.  Far too many people believe, based upon what I read online, that they are capable of dominating another when they exemplify none of that in his own life.  If one cannot exercise control over himself, how can he do it over another?  Sure, it is easy to bark out orders and say "do this because I told you to".  Yet if one is not willing to do the same thing himself, isn't that hugely hypocritical?  I tend to think it is.  Being a true dom is not about being a hypocrite but congruence in one's life.  Self control is the highest form of control one can exert.  It is the major leagues.   One who lacks control over himself will ultimately fail as a master/dom to another.  It all starts with the guy looking back in the mirror and expands out from there.

DN

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What Does It Take To Be Dominant Part 1

Domination is a word that is thrown around, seemingly loosely, in the BDSM community.  It is something that is a basic component of our way of life since power exchange requires a dominant coupled with a submissive.  Therefore, it is crucial that we understand what domination is all about.  Too many seem to embrace the idea without a clear concept of what it is and how to go about developing it.  Over the next few posts. hopefully we will uncover some insight into what this characteristic involves.

A definition of domination is the exercise of control or influence over someone or something.

So far this is rather simple.  Domination is the exercise of control over something.  That makes total sense since, as dominants, the idea is to control a submissive one who turns her control over to you.  This is the foundation of BDSM.

Of course, this is where many go wrong.  The fact that something is rather simple does not equate to it being easy.  The idea that one simply steps into BDSM and is instantly qualified to take control is absurd.  Unfortunately, as we know, this is a common belief held by the majority.  It is further enhanced because the submissive ones also buy into it especially with their significant others.

We must start our investigation into what it takes to be a dominant by mentioning that fact that domination is a quality like any other one within the human race.  What this means is that everyone has the ability to dominate within them.  Of course, this also means that we all have the capability to submit.  This is what throws people.  Therefore, we will look at where different things are stimulated within our body to clarify this idea.

First and foremost, domination exists in the mind.  This is the place where all our qualities, both positive and negative, reside.  Whether one looks at kindness, anger, resentment, apathy, or compassion, these all stem from our thought process.  How we think in particular situations determines the quality or characteristic that emerges.  This is a critical point to domination.  To dominate, one must have thoughts of domination and condition oneself to take control.

Before going any further, I must tangent here and explain what I mean by the fact that everyone has the quality of domination within them.  This is something that seems out of line to many, especially the submissive ones.  I can feel the resistance increasing as many read this.  However, if you think about it in depth, it will make total sense.  Our domination or submission is often tied to the situation at hand.  There are times when one is dominant while being totally submissive in others.  To illustrate this point, just think about the fact that you desire (or do) submit to your dom.  It is something that comes natural to you.  However, is the same true for your children?  Doesn't one seek to control and guide her kids as opposed to submitting to them?  We see the same thing at work.  There are many submissive ones who are dominant at work since they hold positions of responsibility.  Thus. as you can see, the quality of domination resides within them.

Let us look at the flip side and really get things stirred up.  Dominants have the ability to submit.  Read that statement again and feel what emerges from within you.  If you are like most, the instant reaction is resistance.  It is not something that dominants, especially, like to admit to themselves.  Nevertheless, that ability is within one.  Here is an example:  if you were ever in court, is that an area you dominate especially as the defendant?  Of course not.  The truth is a that a courtroom is designed to make the one on trial be in a subservient position.  The judge, the guy in the black robe, physically sits higher than you while looking down from above.  At the same time, the rules are such that he or she is in control of the court room.  Only the most foolish engage in outbursts as he sees fit.  In fact, one who does this is considered a bit off because responsible people understand the basic premise of the court system and who is in charge.  Hence, even the most controlling dominant submits to the wishes of the judge, most often by keeping his thoughts to himself and replying "yes Your Honor".

Now that we understand that domination, like all other qualities, resides in the mind and that all people have this trait within them, it is time to look at the next piece of the puzzle.  For most, when we view things through the domination/submission spectrum, there is one quality that is overwhelming.  Obviously, it is this knowledge which leads us to check the proper box when filling out a profile online.  The majority do not seem confused on this matter in terms of which is more powerful.  Even those who switch tend to have one that is the preference with the other being something he or she prefers to engage upon at times.

This leads us to investigate what I term "the core".  It is our core that determines whether we prefer domination or submission.  The quality, itself, is neutral in our minds yet it is the core that embraces one fully while abhorring the other.  That resistance which arose when I stated that dominants have the ability to submit, that came from your core.  A true dominant detests the idea of submission.  Again, unless he is a total idiot, he realizes there are times in society when one must submit especially to a societal established authority figure like a judge or police officer.  Of course, this is something he does not like and that feeling comes directly from the core.

So, what is this core and where is it located?  For those who have some experience/understanding with Eastern traditions, the core is what is often referred to as the second Chakra within the body.  This is located below the navel right around the pubic line.  This is where those traditions believe one's sexual energy resides, which is the most powerful energy in the body.  My feeling is this is where all of our deeply preferences reside.  It is this place which determines whether we are sexually attracted to men or women.  Whether we are an introvert or extrovert is imprinted here.  And, yes, this is where we find out domination or submission.

Here is a quick exercise.  Close your eyes and breathe deeply for 20 or 30 seconds.  Relax your body; do this in a laying down or comfortable sitting posture.  Feel the tension within you being pulled down and exiting through your feet.  Do this starting at the head and continue until you reach your toes.   Now that you are free from tension, I want you to think about being tied up.  What arises within you?  If the thought is something you detest and the words "no way" are ready to spring from your mouth, then the core just resisted the idea.  Of course, if you thought about it and said "when", that also comes from the same place.  What I want you to notice is how powerful the desire, either for or against, is.  This came from deep within you.  It is for this reason that the idea becomes intensified and emotionalized.

To quickly recap, domination is a natural quality that is in everyone and resides in the mind yet it is the core which determines whether we are identified as a dominant or a submissive.  The emotionalizing of the quality is where the power is generated and comes from deep within us.  While one might not like being dominant, there are situations where it is required, hence one is able to fulfill that role.

Next time we will delve into the "naturalness" of domination while investigating how this manifests and what one should look for.

DN 

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