Self Growth

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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The Multiple Game

We all know there are many games that are played online. Hell, even in real life people are apt to do things that will make your head spin. Having a strong ethical base seems lax in this era and those who are genuine tend to suffer because of it. Of course, the online world has made it ripe for those individuals with less than ethical intentions to excel. So, how are we to navigate through it all.

Understanding What Is Happening

The best way to succeed in this realm is to understand what is taking place. Few are able to create something that is so novel that nobody has seen it before. The trollers all tend to do the same thing regardless of the time and place. Those of us who are online for the last 5 or 10 years witnessed the same tricks being played repeatedly.

Ultimately, it is best to have reservations about anyone you are dealing with online. Until some form of traditional communication is implemented, I would suggest being leery of whatever is told to you. The bottom line is that no matter how much you investigate someone, there is really no way to know if what they are telling you is the truth until you are in front of them (face-to-face). Sure, there are some who are open online, but I would say that is the minority. The majority tend to have ulterior motives.

Multiple Game

A common situation I witness is where a person tends to play the numbers game. Also known as the multiple game, a person of this ilk tends to interact with a large number of people in his/her quest to find what is desired.

Before going any further, I will caveat to make the point there is nothing wrong with "casting a wide net" when prospecting for a Master or slave. The traditional world also sees this technique used when dating. As teenagers, we are taught to go out with different people and not to fall for the first one who comes along. At this stage in life, it is healthy to be carefree and open. Of course, when we find someone we believe suits our needs, then we get a bit more serious.

The same is true in the BDSM world. Anyone who has success his/her first foray is extremely lucky. This is a rarity and everyone should resist the temptation to believe it is the norm. If you are interacting with your first Master or slave and believe this is "the one", remember that it is likely to fall apart in the near future. This is simply how the statistics work out.

One who is playing the multiple game goes above and beyond the traditional "seeing what is out there". This person tends to be dishonest in the sense that he or she continues to interact with many in a way that gives the belief that something more will develop. It is not uncommon to learn of a person who has 5 or 6 Masters. Obviously, most, if not all of them, believed they were the only one she had. At the same time, it is also noticeable to see one progressing deeper with a few different people long past the point where he or she should have made a choice. Ultimately, someone gets hurt in this scenario.

Openness

What is the solution to the above mentioned problems? Simple. It is openness. The BDSM is one of enormous flexibility. If you look around, you will see every imaginable scenario being lived by people. There is nothing new that anyone can uncover. We have people who are poly, sexually open, monogamous, threesomes, foursomes, communal living, fetish based, sex buddies, etc... Whatever you desire, it is out there for you.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that everyone you will encounter is after the same thing. This means that one will have to choose at some point. Many interactions soon fade because people do not share like interests. Having similar BDSM likes gets old if there is nothing else. For example, if one loves the tropics but has a Master in Northern Canada, that might create an issue at some point. Often the obvious is overlooked.

Those who play the multiple Master or slave game are not trying to narrow things down to find what he or she desires. Instead, this person is stringing one (or more) person along. It is impossible to serve two Masters. In many instances, unless one is openly setting up a poly household, it is not feasible to have multiple slaves. This two scenarios magnify if one tries to transition anything into real time. Ultimately, the truth comes out and that is where pain is incurred.

Anyone who is open about themselves will not have an issue in this arena. It is perfectly acceptable to chat/talk with a few different people. Nevertheless, when one progresses to the point of mentioning relocating, of putting forth a greater commitment, or somehow taking the relationship to a deeper level, I believe it is only prudent to be open about what is going on. Anyone who is still playing the multiple game at this point is showing him or herself to be nothing more than a troller. The inherent dishonesty associated with this action leaves one to completely without trust. This is not what a genuine person does.

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Being Adult

Why do I title this post in such a way? My reasoning is simple: because too many people, in my observation, enter the BDSM world in a manner that is only befitting of a child. Their behavior, both online and in person, is abysmal. For this reason I figured I would deliver the message that it is time to grow up.

Miserable Failures

I see so many who come upon this way of life after being complete failures in their traditional lives. This stands to reason since most all of us are here because the vanilla world simply did not suit us. However, there is a percentage of our population who take this even further. In addition to being ill-equipped to deal with parity-based relationships, they show a complete inability to deal with life in general. And this is where the problems arise.

BDSM is not an avenue of escape. Too many determine this lifestyle offers the chance to rid oneself of responsibility. After having so many relationships (platonic in addition to sexual), our new dominants and subs conclude that BDSM is a way to shun all the problems. Of course, anyone who has any sense of practicality knows this is not the case.

Failure quickly ensures for people who take this approach. I see many "slaves", as an example, who proclaim on websites that they are looking for a Master "to take care of them". Certainly, any true Master knows this is par for the course. However, the slaves in question believe that being taken care of equates to a complete lack of responsibility. Any slave who feels he or she does not have to behave in a responsible manner or that feels everything will be removed from him/her are of no use to anyone. A good slave has many responsibilities that are assigned to her. Therefore, to conclude that the life of a slave is without onus are setting themselves for a harsh reality check.

Pragmatic Versus Fantasy

Part of being adult is being pragmatic about things. Certainly, it is a healthy exercise to dream, set goals, plan for the future, and, yes, even fantasize. However, these have to be balanced with a pragmatic outlook. Life is not lived solely in compliance with emotions nor does logic total rule. There needs to be a blending of the two to succeed.

We see those who arrive at sites online with the fairy tale outlook upon life. To start, they are thrilled to have found something that strikes a deep cord within them. I can appreciate this. I equate this initial realization to the feeling of finally coming home. My personal story attests to this. Nevertheless, the nirvana does not end there. Suddenly this individual "meets" someone online and, thus, begins the whirlwind love affair. Our new person goes from being excited to completely illogical in a matter of a few days. This is where we see the posts proclaiming love for the Master or slave forever.

In most cases this is purely fantasy and we usually see things peter out in a matter of a few weeks. In most instances, the truth does eventually emerge; the other individual was not exactly the person he or she proclaimed to be. This is commonplace. Anyone who looks at things pragmatically understands this and exercises a degree of caution. Only a child runs out into traffic without looking. Adults knows that a certain amount of investigation and relationship building is necessary before proclamations can be made. Over time, wonderful relationships can emerge that start online, but they take time and effort to develop. They also require the use of traditional modes of communication such as the telephone and in person visits. Without these, one is "falling in love" with words on a screen. Who knows if they are even real.

18 and Over

The final piece that I want to touch upon is the fact that we deal in a lifestyle that is adult in nature. Many people seem to miss this point. Instead, they behave in a manner that is befitting the bingo parlor. The fact is we are adults and discuss issues that are not meant for immature ears.

I am always amazed at how easily people are offended. The BDSM world, especially online, can have a bit of the wild west feel to it. In other words, almost anything goes. There are many different outlooks upon life and the lifestyle, thus increasing the chance you will encounter those who do not agree with your views. In addition, many people focus their attention upon sexual issues, oftentimes in great detail. If words such as cock, cunt, pussy, and ass offend you, perhaps heading back to match.com is a good move for you. Many sites require that you click that you are at least 18 years of age since the topics are adult oriented.

Another aspect to the Puritan outlook we often see pertains to sex itself. I am equally astonished how uptight some people are even when claiming to be in this lifestyle. There are many different aspects to BDSM and there will be some things that arent for you. However, just because it is not your flavor, that does not mean it is disgusting or perverted. That is the mentality that many of us are trying to get away from. Judgments, while always present, are to be kept to a minimum. There are people you will encounter who are into things you can only imagine. Every walk of life is represented in BDSM and some people live in completely outrageous manners. That is their business. If you dont want to have sex with a roomful of people, that is your choice. Nevertheless, be adult when dealing with someone who does (or did) and leave your ideals at the door. It is their life just as you have yours.

In closing, try to approach how we live in befitting of an adult. This is not Romper Room even those many of us does have a room full of toys.

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20 Things I Realized In The Last 30 Days

These are realizations or reaffirmations that I made in the last 30 days....

1. If one pain slut is good...two are better.
2. There is no other place in the country that I want to live other than Florida.
3. Electrical play is really exciting
4. My shower isnt made for three people but we managed to make it work.
5. I feel a lot better when I dedicate myself to my workouts and put forth top effort.
6. I really will not miss the NBA season
7. The Mets sucked this year.
8. I really dislike the Yankees
9. Saving a dollar is equal to a $1.40 return when investing
10. The 'Peter Principle" is continually being proven
11. It is easier to accept people for what they are than try to change them
12. A telephone cord leaves the best marks on a submissive
13. Plans become more realistic when a deadline is placed upon them.
14. We only get one life...so use it how you see fit.
15. Worrying about what other people think and trying to please them is like getting financial advice from a broke man.
16. People most often go bankrupt $20 at a time
17. Closed mindedness leads to mental bondage
18. Society is a big fat liar
19. The most important value is freedom...sadly few realize this until they lose it
20. BDSM will penetrate every area of your thinking and, thus, your life if you truly embrace it.

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Obedience Is The Key

What is the foundation of every BDSM relationship. At the core, it is the exchange of power. This is what separates the BDSM interaction from the vanilla world. We do not partake in equality but, rather, establish our relationships upon an unequal footing. This is the essence of power exchange. And, at the core of that, is obedience. Without obedience, the BDSM dynamic completely falls apart.

Consensual World

We operate in a lifestyle that advocates consent. It seems ironic given when we use terms such as bondage and slave that consent is at the heart of all we do. Yet, without this, we simply are engaging in abusive behavior. Consent is what makes it a viable alternative to the vanilla world. Most do not want to turn to a lifestyle where they are abused. Instead, they are attracted to BDSM as a means of fulfilling an inner desire within themselves. Of course, to get to the depth that one wants to achieve, consent is required.

I see so many who demand obedience without earning the right to do that. This is a tactic the pretendesr use quite often and the newer people tend to fall for. Obedience is at the core of BDSM interaction. However, before one can obey another, he or she needs to be absolutely certain that the person being dealt with is worthy of that. Too many portray an image that is misleading.

Removal Of Choices

A slave yearns to have his/her choices removed. At the same time, a Master wants the directives set down followed without question. Again, in a healthy M/s relationship, this is what transpires. Sadly, few interactions fall into this category.

Decision-making is not something the population in general excels out. We are taught to be followers as opposed to leaders. This creates an interesting dynamic when one enters the BDSM realm on the dominant side. While the natural tendency to take control exists, one has to overcome an extreme about of societal conditioning before that can occur. Today, society promotes the idea that all are equal and hierarchies are bad. This goes in opposition to the main BDSM belief.

For a slave to obey, he or she must feel confident that the person making the decisions is not a lunatic. Most has suffered at the hands of another in previous relationships and, thus, have no desire to follow that same pattern. People enter BDSM seeking a change from what they previously experienced; not to replicate the same outcome.

Takes Time

Many seem to think that the submission process means that a slave agrees to submit to a Master and all is finished. This is a wonderful concept in theory but reality differs greatly. The fact of the matter is that it takes time for one to trust enough to obey completely. As mentioned, past experiences serve as the biggest hindrance since so many suffered in the past in some form. This abuse is not instantly erased from the memory banks.

If you want to see what is important to a submissive, determine what he or she is unwilling to let go of. This will reveal an area that commonly was misused by someone in the past. A dominant will cause a heap of trouble by "pushing" things in this area until he or she has established enough trust and confidence with the submissive. Many relationships are permanently scarred because the proper time was not allocated.

Ultimately, there might come a day when a dominant one needs to assert the power over the submissive and mandate compliance. I found, that when the trust foundation is established, a submissive will be happy to comply even if there is some initial resistance. This is especially true in the M/s realm where a slave, deep down, want to cede it all and be 100% dominated. Every Master should keep this in mind and work towards this outcome.

Obedience should be expected. It is something that is non-negotiable in my view within the BDSM framework. Once the parameters of the relationship are established, a sub/slave is expected to comply within those bounds. However, it is crucial to be mindful of areas of hesitation and what causes them. Consistent decision-making on behalf of the dominant one will go a long way to establishing the foundation with the submissive. It is then that obedience becomes a great deal easier.

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Infinite Possibilities

I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

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How Wide Is BDSM?

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Being Open????

This is a subject that often arises which ultimately leads to some debate. I see many who enter into the lifestyle who want to become evangelists for this way of life. Finally, our new person found the answers to a lifelong dilemma. He or she has a Master (or slave) and all is going to be right with the world. It is time to let everyone, friends, family, co-workers, know exactly what happened. Of course, those of us who are around a little while know how this can end up tragically.

The World Is Full Of Conformists

Society teaches us to conform. That is what the dogma from a very young age is. Religion, politics, schooling, and parents all influence us as to what we are to believe and how we are to behave. Those who toe the line are the ones who are rewarded according to their teachings. The individuals who choose a different path risk being ostracized and being treated as outcasts. We can cite thousands of examples of how this takes place each day.

That being said, it is crucial to remember that BDSM is not a subject that the average person has knowledge of. Perhaps he or she saw a few images online. This left the impression that it is an abusive lifestyle. Therefore, when you tell another, the odds are the immediate thought is "what is wrong with you". At the same time, each person is conditioned to watch for those who stray from the norm. Part of society's power is it uses others as watchdogs. You stray from the path and those closest to you (parents,co-workers, friends, etc...) will instantly go into correcting mode. They say they only want what is best for you and do not want to see you hurt. Ultimately, they are seeking to exert control over you.

Non-conformity does not sit well with most people. Providing a bull-eye on your chest by sharing your decision with others is foolhardy. It is also can be dangerous for those who have children. Since society is not into understanding but, rather, condemning, it is common for the state to step in when it deems children 'at risk'. Therefore, it is vital that people consider the risks associated with being open about their choices.

Lifestyle Promotion

I see many who feel that we should be open, live how we want, and the hell with everyone else. As I just showed, this can have catastrophic results. Thus, I feel it better if people are sensible about what they do.

It would be wonderful if everyone accepted the BDSM lifestyle as they do the traditional. At this point in time, it does not so it is up to us to try and promote it the best we can. Fortunately, we have a model to follow with some of the inroads the homosexual movement made. Each of us can partake in this although the degree will vary.

Being true to oneself is what BDSM is all about. Nevertheless, being true to oneself and being out in the open are two different things. Just because one opts (for whatever reason) to keep the structure of his/her relationship private, that does not mean they are any less involved or committed to this way of life than another. I see that as a fallacy many subscribe to. Some people simply cannot or will not live openly. That is their right and we should not disrespect that in any way.

Today, there are many ways to promote the lifestyle. With the advent of the Internet, we now have the ability to share ideas in a way that previously was not possible. People can post their ideas and views without fear of retaliation since the Internet is an anonymous forum. Also, within one's house, a person can pick and choose who knows about the lifestyle choice, opting only for revelation in those instances where it might be helpful.

Of course, there will always be those who are willing to express their choices to whomever is close by without fear or concern. We need these people also. Whatever your comfort level is how far you should take things. Being open about your choices is a personal matter and one that should not be taken lightly. Do not let the pressure of others dictate what you share. Only you can see the potential downfalls of revealing your choices. Those who feel you should behave as they do are clearly showing their hypocrisy. BDSM is about living how you see fit; not someone else.

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Commitment: The Key

Commitment is a quality that people seem to have lost. There was a time when people were committed to whatever they did. It was an era when "one's word meant something". Today, we see so many who have a more laissez faire approach to things. In other words, they do not want to inject themselves completely into something. This has created a culture where failure is more acceptable.

Willing To Leave In An Instant

There was a concept a couple of generations back where one had something that was termed "lifetime employment". This was a system which one could readily expect to go to work for one company for his entire career. The company was committed to the employees and rarely engaged in layoffs while employees gave everything to the company without thinking about leaving. Of course, today, we see a situation where people will leave a job without even giving notice or the company announcing a layoff of 5,000 people to save money.

Marriage is another area where a shift occurred. This institution was one which, in the past, literally meant "until death do us part". Divorce was uncommon with people regularly hitting 40 and 50 year anniversaries. However, like the job situation, people today enter and exit marriage through a revolving door. If the slightest challenge arises, "irreconcilable differences" are stated as the reason for divorce. Plus, in many instances you can take advantage of the $99 special and get out of that commitment rather inexpensively.

What do both of these situations show? In my mind, I feel they perfectly illustrate how we lack the ability to commit to anything. These are two areas which are paramount in people's lives. Who one spends time with and how a living is earned are two central pillars for most people. Of course, since there is a lack of commitment there, how can one reasonably expect to maintain an exercise program. Without commitment, we are deemed to fail in everything we try.

There Are Always Challenges

In everything we do, there are always challenges. Nothing is without resistance. That is a fact of life. For those who are continually seeking the path with no resistance, they are chasing a dream. Relationships, regardless of the level of intimacy take work. Every success is not without the overcoming of obstacles. Oftentimes, persistence is the quality that determines success or failure. This stems from the level of commitment one has.

BDSM is an environment where I see so many have the lax attitude. What always baffles me is that people look at this lifestyle like they do when shopping for a new car. They want to kick the tires a bit to see if they like it. Certainly, I am all for one researching what he or she is getting into and do believe that most are not designed to live in a power exchange relationship. However, the attitude I see is amongst the people who are supposedly "committed" to this way of life.

Commitment To The Lifestyle First

I am a firm believer that one must commit to the lifestyle before a person. This is a situation that gets reversed. It is a "cart before the horse" idea and ends up with tragic results. If one is not sure of his/her level of commitment to this way of life, then any interaction with another person will lack the necessary commitment needed for success. And, as we so often see, when one encounters obstacles in the relationship, it ends and the person decides BDSM is not for them.

As mentioned, I do not believe everyone is cut out for a lifestyle such as this. Nevertheless, it is awful to see those who could enjoy all the benefits of BDSM toss it away because of a bad experience with a particular person. I am often amazed people take this approach here yet do not have the same idea concerning heterosexuality, as an example. Certainly, few of us stop trying to interact romantically/sexually with the opposite sex simply because our first relationship failed. The reason is because we are committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle. We were heterosexuals first and then interacted with others. Yet, with BDSM, people take the exact opposite approach. No wonder so many enter and leave.

What Does It Mean To Be Committed?

Before I go into an explanation of this, I will provide a disclaimer that I believe is necessary. There are situations encountered everyday that necessitate leaving for one reason or another. Many marriages should be ended immediately with both parties going their separate ways. The same thing with job situations. People should not subject themselves to abuse in any area of life and if that is happening, there is no reason to remain committed. There is a point in time where loyalty gets replaced with stupidity.

That being said, commitment can be summed up very easily: be willing to be successful no matter what. In other words, one has the mindset that he or she is going to do whatever it takes to make the situation successful. Failure is not an option. All action is taken with the intention of working towards the desired outcome. There is no maybe. Certainty is ever present in the mind.

This is a stark difference from how people live their lives. Most are experts at offering up excuses. They have a host of alibis ready to present even before they engage in the activity. Of course, nothing is ever their fault. Passing the blame is a national pastime. This is a recipe we see used all around us.

To succeed in BDSM, as other areas, it takes commitment. My mindset is that my relationship is going to work out long term. I am not willing to allow the challenges of life to sabotage what I am developing. Fear is something that is present within everyone and, left unchecked, can overtake a situation completely. Commitment is something that enables one to overcome this barrier.

Blind faith or senseless optimism is not a valid approach. However, when one is aware of the situation after doing the proper research or diligence, it is helpful to have the committed outlook. Success and failure both start in the mind. Those are willing to do whatever it takes to make a BDSM relationship(s) successful are apt to do just that. This is a major contrast to the one who is willing to sever things as soon as something difficult comes up. Many of the reasons for ending relationships can be overcome with commitment. It is a tool that few consider but is something that can make all the difference. Consider it.

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Fantasy Versus Reality

We have all met people who tend to not be firmly grounded in reality. In many ways they are of benefit to society because they are the dreamers of the world. Nothing great was ever accomplished by a conformist. It is always those people who stray from the normal mode of looking at things who discover things that were not seen before. This goes for inventors, adventurers, researchers, business people, and, even, parents. Doing things differently requires one to 'break the rules'.

Fine Line

As with most things, there is a fine line that one must walk. It is a constant battle when one navigates the tight path between genius and insane. While most seek to operate at the genius level, when breaking from the traditional, it is easy to fall into the insane. It is very easy to lose track of reality.

We see this all the time in the BDSM world, especially when we focus upon the online community. One does not have to travel to far to discover some unsuspecting new person who is completely disconnected from reality. Perhaps he or she read a science fiction novel and believes that is the basis for living as a slave. Or, it is probable that some of the imagery of the porn industry is fresh in that person's mind also leading to a conclusion that this is how the lifestyle is. In talking with these types of individuals, it is easy to see how disconnected from reality they are.

Of course, that does not mean that there are not attributes of the fantasy world that cannot be implemented. We all fantasize to one degree or another. Within the BDSM community, it is common for these thoughts to exist for both sexual and power based activities. Fortunately, as I see it, this is a realm which does allow us to pursue our fantasies in a safe manner. Nevertheless, this cannot be confused with reality.

Dealing With People

BDSM is a microcosm of society in general. Many people seem to think they are exiting the normal realm when they enter this lifestyle. This is not the Twilight Zone where one steps into another dimension. Life is still life. And, because of such, everything we do is nothing more than an exercise in dealing with people.

This is a concept that is often lost, mostly by the online crowd. Ignoring the total fakes for a moment, it is important to remember that the entity on the other end is a person with feelings. The fact that the Internet is so impersonal leads many to forget that one's actions will have an effect. The things we do and say have the power to harm another. I cannot stress this idea enough.

I often write the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship. It is easy to focus upon the kneeling, whips, chains, and the protocol of servitude. However, as those of us who lived in real time know, this is only a small part of our existence. At the same time, many of the aspects of the world of fantasy are simply impractical in real life. For example, can you imagine a slave kneeling when a Master approaches in the middle of Walmart? Obviously, this might garner some attention especially if that couple has children. The same idea holds when one refers to toy collections or playrooms within the house. How practical is having that stuff around when your family visits or if small children are in the house? In my experience, few families are so open-minded to be able to see this (and I know for a fact that children services arent very open-minded about things).

Therefore, since we are dealing with people, it is crucial that one take a realistic approach to BDSM. The simple truth is that all the world's problems will not disappear simply because you found a new way to structure your relationships. Everything that we deal with, medical, financial, and family, are still present in our lives. This is reality. We also need to behave in manners that are befitting the people we are dealing with. If one makes a commitment to another, it is vital this is met. We often find ourselves in situations which decisions are made about one's life based upon our promises. To not fulfill them is going to inflict harm upon another that is outside our rights. Doing everything possible to ensure we keep our promises is another aspect of reality that few want to deal with.

Adding Some Fantasy

A central part of the BDSM lifestyle is growth. All relationships require growth of both the individuals and the couple if it is going to last long term. Again, we see some fantastic opportunities within the BDSM world for this. Since we are into many genres that are so different from the mainstream, one really has the ability to increase his or her skills.

I find that as people remain in the BDSM life, they tend to gravitate towards the more extreme nature of things. My personal opinion is that this is natural since we tend to be inquisitive folks who dont just accept what society promotes without questioning. If that were the case, we probably would never have started the search to begin with. Therefore, as we become proficient in one area, we tend to look towards other things. This is the progression of personal growth.

Does that mean everyone gets into the behavior that is promoted by the porn industry? Of course not. However, for those who are drawn to some of what they see, there is no reason why those 'fantasies' cannot be implemented into those people's lives. Naturally, safety is always the top concern but for those who are able to do so, it is a wonderful way to enhance their BDSM experiences. Maintaining a strong footing in reality while adding a bit of fantasy to one's relationship is always a healthy thing to do.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

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