Total Commitment

Commitment is a central part of success in any endeavor in life.  It matters none the area of focus, the basic fact is that our level of success will be in proportion to how committed we are to achieving the desired goal.  Without a high level of commitment, most will stop at the first sign of difficulty.  We see this daily in the people we are surrounded by.  Sadly, we are most likely seeing a reflection of our own life.

No Other Option

Total commitment means that you are willing to eliminate all other options other than the one you desire.  Again, this is a basic tenet that is used by the most successful people in life.  It is also a state that is rarely attained by the average person.  Half-hearted efforts are the norm for those who live a substandard life.  Instead of plugging ahead in the quest for success, they settle.

This idea ties in beautifully to the BDSM world.  Many enter this lifestyle with the outlook as one does when walking onto a car showroom.  Instead of being committed to the lifestyle, a person is actually just "tire kicking".  Perhaps, after a bit of time, this individual might advance to taking a test drive.  However, at this point the person is still not committed to buying anything.  The door remains open to leave.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned what I termed the Submission Process.  This idea resulted from watching people enter this lifestyle and leave it almost as quickly.  Over time, I noticed that most were operating in a reverse pattern.  Instead of committing to the lifestyle, a person entered into a BDSM relationship using that as a tool to assist in the decision.  To me, that is like taking a test drive in a car before being committed to driving.  The vehicle is going to be the barometer to choose between driving or taking the bus.  If the car is acceptable, driving is the choice; if not, renew the annual bus pass.

As insane as that sounds, this is exactly what people do in the BDSM world.  Before being committed to a power exchange structure, a person enters into a relationship hoping that person will work out.  Of course, since we know the success rate of relationships in general is abysmal, we know exactly what happens.  The person is emotionally hurt which mirrors the results achieved in the traditional world thus causing the person to give up.  This is where a lack of commitment enters the picture.  The door to the showroom swings both ways and exit is an option.

Total Commitment

Naturally, one who is uncertain about this lifestyle cannot take the step and make a total commitment to it.  This is logical.  A person in this position needs to commit to study and research to learn as much as possible about what this life is all about.  He or she is not best served by entering into a relationship until the point is reached where commitment to the lifestyle can occur.  For some, this is upon finding the lifestyle while others will take a bit more time.  It is up to the individual to determine precisely how the process will unfold.  However, the order of things cannot change if success is likely to take place.

Once one is committed to living a "BDSM life", then he or she can commit to achieving success in this realm.  When people proclaim themselves to be a part of this lifestyle (and mean it), then the chances of finding what he or she is seeking will occur.  Now, I will admit it might take some time and effort.  However, that is where the commitment enters the picture.  We find that failure is a part of the process no matter how experienced we are.  I guess we can presume that is par for the course with relationships.  In others words, sometimes one will need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding that Prince or Princess.

Persistence is required to delve through the hodgepodge of people, especially online.  We know how common the trollers and game players are.  However, there is another area where commitment enters: our own personal abilities.  Whether submissive or dominant, the fact is that entering BDSM means that one is undertaking a lifelong study of living that differs greatly from how most of us were raised.  This means that simple "being dominant" is not enough.  Once needs to commit to the study of control, personal development, psychology, and an assortment of other areas that come with dominating and taking over the life of another.  Again, without the commitment, people will take the easiest route which is usually to do nothing.  This will only lead to problems down the road and one of the many reasons why relationships end.

Growth is a natural part of the human experience.  If we are not growing, we are dying.  BDSM is a microcosm of life at large.  Those who fail to continually enhance their abilities will find themselves falling behind.  Again, no matter how long someone is in this lifestyle, there is always something more to learn.  Nobody has all the answers or every achieved the state of perfection.  Instead, we all enlarge our "toolbox" by learning more about the life we chose.  It is important to remember, unlike the traditional world where a lot of the beliefs are given to us through our upbringing, almost everyone in BDSM consciously chose this way of life.  Since it is your decision, it is also your responsibility to be as committed to that decision as possible, especially if you are going to be involved with other people.  Sadly, few seem to take this approach.

Ponder this idea for a while and let me know what you think about it.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Emotional

In my last post we covered the physical aspect of oneself and how I believe we, as members of the BDSM community, are responsible for holding ourselves to a higher standard.  The starting point of this quest is with our physical body.  We are all aware of the weight epidemic that persists in western cultures.  However, this is a battle that can be one and we have the responsibility to take the lead.  Laziness and excuses are not tolerable.

The next step along this path is our emotional standards.  People, in general, are too dependent upon their emotional state.  They allow how they feel to dictate the decisions made.  This puts people in a reactionary mode resulting in clouded thinking and poorer judgment.  Nevertheless, this is the path which most people follow.

Immaturity

Children operate in the stimulus-react mode.  This is expected out of these creatures because they know no better.  It is part of immaturity and a phase which we are suppose to grow out of.  Sadly, judging by the behaviors of most, the greatest percentage of the population resides in this phase their entire lives.  How often do you see someone in a store screaming at the person behind the counter over an unresolved situation?  This is a person who is not capable of controlling his or her state.  The Western cultures seem to believe that anger is a technique which is to be esteemed.  To me, it signals a loss of control.  While that might be acceptable to the general population, I feel BDSM teaches us to move beyond them to a higher plane.

Unfortunately, in my travels throughout the web and some in person interactions, it seems that many are no better than the norm.  The BDSM world community is full of people who, quite frankly, are immature.  They seek to escape whatever ails them in the traditional world only to find this way of life no easier to navigate.  The basic problem always is that, no matter what life choice is made, unless one is capable of dealing with the emotional situations presented on a daily basis, unhappiness will result.

Growing up means being able to supersede our emotional state while behaving in a sound, rational manner.  Look at the greatest political leaders and notice how they operated during extreme times.  The ones we hold in the highest regard are those who were "cool under fire".  Leaders are sought for this characteristic because nobody is going to feel comfortable nor follow an emotional basket case.  It is ironic how so few within the BDSM community understand this.

Control Oneself

I am amazed how many profess to be dominant (and Masters) yet fail to have basic control over themselves.  This fact was mentioned in the previous post about weight.  Here again, we see a person proclaiming to be able to control and run another person's life fail to even be able to handle himself.   How can one ever make this assertion when he (she) is a puppet to his (her) emotions?  To me, this is misguiding because one is not being truthful.  Mastery starts with oneself first and then moves onto another person.

Submissives need to show the same ability.  While I will grant the fact that obedience tends to be the trait which she (he) is most judged upon, this does not mean personal responsibility is out the window.  In fact, controlling oneself in situations might even be more important because her behaviors are not only reflective upon her (him) but the dominant also.  Yet, we see so many acting like school girls and throw a public fit when she didnt get what is desired.  Again, the lack of personal control also reflects upon the owner which can put him in a diminished light.

The other aspect of this is the fact, as we are seeing, is that personal control applies to all aspects of one's life.  Failure to control one's eating habits also lend to the idea that one cannot control his/her emotional state.  A person of this ilk often cannot control the compulsion to spend.  The list will carry on with always the same cause at the core: a lack of personal control.

Feelings Are Not Facts

This is something that many take except to but it is indisputable.  Feelings are not facts.  They might feel real in the present moment yet they are not.  Feelings are nothing more than a response to programming based upon a thought process that is ingrained within one.  For example, in the west we are conditioned to believe that when one dies, we should feel sad.  If one went to a funeral and was having a gay ole time, everyone would think that person strange.  However, in many eastern cultures, they teach that death is a freeing of the physical limitations and that it is an experience which should be celebrated.  Crying at this event is inappropriate based upon their conditioning.

Now that you can see how feelings are often a result based upon things outside ourselves, does it make sense to allow them to control us to the degree they do?  The obvious answer is that it does not make sense yet most of the population does this.  This takes on a different meaning when you consider the fact that how we view the same situation changes over time.  What upsets us in the moment is not as important a few weeks (or even days) down the road.  Yet many people will fly off the deep end over something minor that means very little in the big picture.  However, the damage that a person can do when out of emotional control by whipping out that saber tooth tongue is enormous. 

The bottom line is we all can change how we feel.  I will not go into detail on this since there are thousands of sites which will help one with this.  My point is that it takes concentrated effort to grow up.  BDSM means that we are willing to engage in those things others are not willing to do.  Losing one's temper when something does not go his or her way is acting like the child in a sandbox.  It is ineffective and reflects very poorly upon the individual.  Many will spend hours in an effort to dress properly and present an image visually then completely destroy it by acting like an emotional fool.  There are images firmly imprinted upon my mind, even years later, of situations like this at munches which have influenced my impression of certain individuals.  My regard for them is low simply because I witnessed then behave like emotional morons in a public setting. 

In conclusion, part of the process of moving from vanilla to BDSM is growing up.  We live a lifestyle that is based upon choice which means that responsibility accompanies our every move.  While many still want to play the victim while blaming others for their plight, the bottom line is you signed up for this deal.  Consensual means that nobody if forced into anything.  Therefore, acting like a child when you do not get what you want is nobody's fault other than you own.  Certainly there are instances within a relationship where things are altered but the basic premise if that you consciously chose this way of life and the person you are with.  Look in the mirror instead of throwing a hissy fit.  This is what being an adult is all about.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Physical

This post is certainly going to offend some people and that is quite alright with me.  I hope some people are up in arms about what I am going to write simply for the fact that we, as a population, have become too complacent about things.  Therefore, since I believe those in the BDSM world are obligated to hold themselves to a higher standard, I am going to focus my attention here.

Frankly, the world is too fat.  This is a statement backed up by many studies.  Western cultures, the US and Europe, are experiencing obesity rates that are unseen at any point in history.  Today, I hear so many excuses as why this is so.  The truth of the matter is that a weight epidemic exists because people tolerate it, both among themselves and from others.

Before going any further, I will issue a disclaimer.  I understand there are some who simply cannot lose weight because of health issues such as a lazy thyroid or because of physical ailments which make exercise virtually impossible.  For these people, the struggle is difficult if not impossible.  If you are an individual who fits into this category, be it from paralysis, stroke, or heart ailment, obviously much of this will not apply.  However, it is worthy to read what is written here for those around you.

The Body

It is written that the "body is a temple".  If that is the case, looking at people in public, many should be condemned.  Physical fitness is a thing of the past.  As a fan of older movies, I am stunned each time I watch something from the 1970s or before.  Almost everyone in the movie is thin.  Sure, there is the occasional large person but that person is not the norm.  Contrast that with movies today and you see a completely different scenario.

We see this same thing in the BDSM world.  It is amazing to me to see the pictures of some people and how they look.  In addition to being unattractive there is a health aspect which I will cover in a bit.  The bottom line is people do not cherish their body.  Instead, they abuse it with the food they put in, thus, creating a host of problems down the road.

I am always amazed to see people post in their profile they are "Masters" and then to look at their weights only to find they are 75 or 100 pounds overweight.   To me, this is a total contradiction.  How can one believe that he (or she) is able to control another when dominating what is entering his (her) body is outside the realm of personal power?  While I will see intolerant with this view, the fact is that if one is going to be a "Master", I do not think it unfair that he (she) be held to a higher standard.

It is the same on the submissive side.  So many label themselves slaves yet are carrying around extra pounds.  Again, we see a contradiction here.  Slaves are suppose to be beings that one is proud of.  They do things on a daily basis to ensure maximum benefit to the ones in servitude to.  However, when one is unfit, this limits the options a Master will have.  Physical limitations which are present because of failure to do something within one's control is the result.  To me, this becomes an unacceptable scenario.

Selfishness

Overall, I conclude this is nothing more than an extreme case of selfishness.  I come across so many who have the attitude "accept me as I am".  This is a definite case of having a settlement mentality.  This might work for society in general but, in BDSM, we need to lift our sights higher.  There is no reason why anyone should settle for anything less than they can possibly be and offer anyone else less than 100% of our potential.

We see so many searching to find the right one.  On any given day, you can log onto any BDSM website to find people looking for that special someone(s) to get involved with.  It is a quest many spend years undertaking and, fortunately for many, a quest that is fulfilled.  Now, this is where the problem comes in.  How selfish is it that a person is going to fulfill another person with his or her presence only to check out early because of health issues?  It is no secret the life expectancy ramifications that carrying around extra weight causes.  Yet a person, dominant or submissive, does not even consider this.  The central fact is that one deprives another of years of interaction.

Heart disease, cancer, and other ailments all have been tied, at least in part, to excess weight.  The emotional toll on a relationship when one of these hits is tremendous.  Nevertheless, few take measures to prevent them.  Instead, they simply go about eating the double cheeseburgers and french fries without regard to the consequences.  Again, I cannot help but to ponder how selfish this is when one looks at the bigger picture.

Sex

If a loss of life is not reason enough to decide to change, perhaps sex can be a motivating factor.  To start, not to sound shallow, but everyone likes to have sex with a hot body.  Now, this is not to mean insist that physical attributes are the only important factors.  However, society esteems the beautiful for one reason: people want to have sex with them.  What woman does not want to spend a night with George Clooney?  I would say most of the English speaking female world fits into that category.  Sure his attitude, fame, and money might have something to do with it but the fact that he is in shape does not hurt his sex appeal.  The same is true for someone like Demi Moore.  If she was carrying an extra 30 or 50 pounds, she would not be seen in the same light.

In addition to attractiveness, sex is impeded by weight.  As we age, things do not work as well as they did when we were younger.  This is a basic fact of life.  However, those who maintain a certain physical fitness level are able to slow the aging process down a bit.  And when it comes to sex, this is a good thing.

To illustrate this point, we will go to the most basic sexual tool, the penis (Dick for those of you who were asleep in health class).  Studies reveal that a great deal of erectile dysfunction is directly attributed to excess weight.  The clogging of the vascular system impeded the flow of blood to the member when it is needed most.  An erection, unlike other muscles, cannot be strengthened and relies solely on the flow of blood to achieve the state of "attention".  Also, stamina and sexual interest have been also tied to how fit one is.  Those who maintain a good state of fitness tend to last longer in bed and want it more than those who do not.  Finally, medications can impede performance yet many that people take are due to excess weight.  We find many of the same correlations with women as they age.

Again, I wonder how selfish a person is to not want to be able to perform, sexually, as well as possible for his or her partner?  Within BDSM, there is a mindset that a submissive exists for the dominants pleasure.  That is true but I have news for you: if the submissive is not taken care of, he or she will not hang around too long.  Subs have needs too.

Reasons

There are a number of reasons why someone would tolerate being overweight when there is something that can be done about it.  Again, focusing upon BDSM although I am sure it is consistent throughout mainstream society, one big reason is emotional.  Many simply have not dealt with their past issues.  Instead, they opt to make themselves "unattractive" by using weight as a protective blanket.

Sexual and physical abuse is common among many of the members of the BDSM community.  Many were molested as children and a number of people have not dealt with this.  It is at this point that I will strongly suggest getting with a therapist or counselor to deal with issues arising from those past events.  I met so many who admitted they used weight as a means of ensuring that sexual abuse does not happen again.  On the surface, this makes no sense but when one delves into the mind of a victim of this sort, the rational is perfectly logical.  However, as we all know, it is flawed in that it provides no defense, especially in light of the negative health/social consequences.

Another factor that enters the picture is that many do not know how to handle their emotional states.  I am a firm believer that emotional control is imperative in a BDSM relationship.  Those who do not know how to handle their feelings are best off uninvolved until they can learn how to deal with people as adults.  The stimulus/react technique might be okay for children but does not pass when one reaches adulthood.  Yet we see so many who quite frankly cannot control themselves.  Therefore, they turn to something that helps them escape and for many this is food (or sweets, salty products, or fast food).  Again, this is something which might require some professional assistance.

The final reason for being overweight is that we became an inactive society.  Many people spend their entire day on their butts getting very little activity.  In the past, people naturally engaged in activities which got their bodies moving.  Today, video games and the Internet consume most of our time.  Research has showed that the average American watches 6 hours of television on average a day.  The net result is seen around the waistline.

The Solution

So why do I bring all this up?  As mentioned, I am a big believer that we, in the BDSM world, are obligated to hold ourselves to a much higher standard than the average person.  We consciously sought out a lifestyle that is different from what is considered normal.  To do this, we had to break the conditioning that society did and embrace things for ourselves.  This requires strength, personal power, and inner fortitude.  In my mind, these are characteristics which reside within each person who lives this way of life.

Most of you know I state repeatedly that BDSM is a lot more than whips and chains.  The lifestyle was corrupted to a degree by the imagery promoted by the porn industry.  Many new people believe it is about being tied up and screwed.  Nevertheless, this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Making BDSM a part of your life means that it penetrates every aspect of your life.  Those who fail to understand this are shortchanging themselves.

We speak of words such as discipline, honor, trust, honesty, control, responsibility, and service.  Yet, for many, these are just words.  Instead of internalizing them as a daily part of one's life, they are paid "lip service".  We see this when we watch the behavior of so many.

BDSM entails being the best you can be in all situations.  Everyone has different aspects of their lives.  Regardless of whether we are focusing upon the financial, mental, career, family, or physical, BDSM mandates that one strive to attain the highest standard.  Again, we showed the strength and courage to break from the norm and choose a lifestyle different from what we were taught.  It is up to us to apply this to every part of our life.

Therefore, the solution is to begin focusing upon all the things others see.  Take pride in yourself as a member of the BDSM community.  Realize that your physical appearance is something that everyone sees.  Do whatever is necessary to get healthy and fit.  Living in the age of the Internet, the information you need is only a web search away.  I can offer up hundreds of tips to assist you but that is not what this post is about.  However, the fact that many are aware of the 1950s lifestyle should delve a bit deeper and look at how our grandparents lived with regards to healthy and nutrition.  Turning back the clock in that regard provides us with a path to success.

In conclusion, please note that I am not inferring that everyone needs to have a supermodel body.  For most of us, this is unrealistic.  Nevertheless, there is a lot more each of us can do to improve our physical state.  This post is meant to motivate you to action.  Realize what is at stake.  While nothing I wrote here is a secret or not known by society in general, few seem to be paying attention.  That is fine for them.  However, BDSM requires that we each take a look at ourselves to see where we can improve.  If you are one who is already in terrific physical shape, congratulations.  Yet if you are one who is closer to the 60% who is consider obese by the medical community, perhaps it is time to take this post to heart.  The benefits of shedding pounds and losing inches cannot be described.  This affects every area of your life.  It is time to hold yourself to a higher standard. 

DN

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Self Title Versus Earned

The Internet really changed how the BDSM world operates.  There was a time when the community was rather small in comparison with invitations being personally delivered as opposed to open-ended posting on the Internet.  While this is a fact of life in this era (no point in dwelling over the good ole days), the truth is that much has changed within our community which is detrimental.

Honoring

There was a time when honor existed within the BDSM environment.  Perhaps since interaction was in real time, people took a greater stand to exert a positive position.  Today, with the anonymity of the web, people simply can be whomever they desire without the difficulty of personal contact.  This has led many of these scumbags to believe they can operate however they see fit.

Words such as "master" and "slave" mean little anymore.  It use to be these titles were earned, not self proclaimed.  Years of experience is required to operate properly at these levels yet the Internet, again, has allowed anyone who can spell these words to assume them.  To me, it has degraded the worthiness of the terms in many ways.  Obviously, if everyone is a master, it is nothing special.

Honoring also entailed paying proper respect to a person as a learned individual.  Because the titles were not easily cast about, when one was recognized as a master, for example, everyone knew that person was of distinction.  And what led to this viewpoint?  It was the excellence exhibited in a particular area of the lifestyle.  Contrast this with what occurs today where people instantly proclaim themselves as masters such as "I am Master Peter".  Oh really?  Says who?  We all know the answer to that one.

Respect Is Earned

One of the biggest errors that occurs, especially online, is the belief that respect is automatically granted to an individual simply because he or she assumes a particular position within the lifestyle.  This is incorrect, not only in BDSM but all of life.  Respect is earned.  It is based upon the person you are and the traits you exhibit.  Simply demanding respect is childish and immature; two qualities the BDSM community is overrun with.

Using the above example, the term "Master" was given to someone who showed proficiency within the lifestyle.  This earned respect because everyone knew the loyalty, dedication, and educational process that individual went through to achieve that state.  No great level of success is ever attained without tremendous effort.  Everyone know this and that is why such a title was bestowed upon one deserving.  Respect was granted to the title, even if the individual was not known, because everyone was aware of what it took to earn such a title.  It was not simply self granted like today.

Another area where this is relevant is with regards to slaves.  So many of the comic book doms online believe that a slave is somehow beneath them.  This is a crucial mistake showing their lack of understanding.  While I will admit that most online are not worthy of the title slave, a true slave is something to be admired and esteemed.  Sadly, the same methods are used as on the dominant side i.e self titling.  Again, when I see one write "I am a slave" my first thought is "according to who?".  Here we have another case of self titling which, in effect, degrades all the other true slaves out there.

Living as a slave is not an easy task.  The level of submission required is tremendous.  Yet few seem to realize this.  It is only after questioning or getting involved with someone who is truly intent on moving it to TPE that one quickly realizes there is more than meets the eye.  Most of the "slaves" you find online will quickly throw up the barriers when they realize how few boundaries exist.  TPE is total by its definition and it certainly is not a path for everyone.  In fact, very few have what it takes to live in this manner.  That is why those who truly are slave are worthy of great esteem and respect.  Being a slave, like a master, is an earned title based upon the capabilities of the individual.

Remember this idea the next time you are tempted to call yourself a master or slave.  Reality is that most true masters and slaves would never call themselves that even if it is warranted.  They usually leave that to other people.  Even when they can get away with it, people of this nature avoid self titles.  Unfortunately, this is not the case online.

DN

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Responsibility

BDSM is an Adult Lifestyle.  Since this is the case, how come so many act like children?  Why is it that adults are so hard to find?  Perhaps it is because people seem to think that BDSM is some magical shortcut to life happiness without enduring the pains of the everyday world.  Of course, nothing is farther from the truth.

Responsibility For Oneself

Most of you know I am a big believer in personal responsibility.  As it pertains to BDSM, I am convinced that this journey starts within and moves out from there.  It is up to each person to decide what he or she wants from this way of life.  While there are many who seek only to add a bit of kink to their present relationship, still others desire a total power exchange scenario with high protocol  Whatever the intention, it is imperative that one determine for him or herself what will lead to happiness.  This is not something that can come from outside oneself but only after proper personal analysis.  Ultimately, it is you who is responsible for your own happiness.

In addition to happiness, safety is another area that you are responsible for, especially submissive types.  I encounter so many who do foolish things simply because they read somewhere online that it is the dominant's responsibility to protect and take care of the submissive.  This is a correct concept.  However, the problem arises in the situation where the dominant does not fulfill that responsibility.  In that instance, who is ensuring the safety of the submissive?  The answer is nobody.  Therefore, a submissive needs to take responsibility for his/her own safety even though that obligation falls to the dominant.  This practice should continue until he or she has proven the ability to handle that responsibility.

Entering into adulthood means bearing adult responsibilities.  The same holds true when entering into an adult lifestyle.  Freedom from responsibility is restricted for one time period: early childhood.  The reason is because we are not at the point to be able to handle it.  However, parents soon start to place more on children as they get older.  It is part of the maturation process.  Please do not believe that upon entering the BDSM world, that you suddenly find the foundation of youth and are reverted back to being a toddler.  Responsibility is still part of the daily ritual.

 Strength

With responsibility comes strength.  As one takes more on, power builds.  This is true for both the dominant and submissive.  Here again, we have an idea that is counter intuitive to what most people think about BDSM.  What do you mean a submissive's power grows?  A submissive, especially if she is a slave, desires no power.  This is where we see one of the fallacies about BDSM.  A slave, using as an example, should have great power.  In this scenario, it is ceded to her by the master.  It is not something she comes by without permission.  Nevertheless, if one is a valuable slave, he or she can be granted great responsibility.  Those who believe slaves are weak and cannot handle responsibility are still stuck in the childish stage.

At the same time, dominants need to understand that with power comes responsibility.  I see so many who want the power but do not feel an obligation to be responsible.  They believe that simply reading a couple of webpages provides enough training to take over someone's life.  This is not responsible behavior.  The kiddie doms of the world are very dangerous.  Simply because one reads the owner's manual to a car, that does not mean society lets him or her drive.  It is only after exemplifying the proper skills through testing that one is granted a driver's license.  In addition, show oneself to not be able to handle that responsibility and the governing body will revoke that license.  It is the same within BDSM.

Usually those who believe a slave needs to be weak are those who are weakest themselves.  These individuals lack the strength to be able to handle someone who is of the highest standards.  Instead, they prey upon those who are new (read not strong) in an effort to appease the insecurity that is within them.  Again, this is not responsible behavior since the dominant has no intention of bettering the submissive.  He or she is not capable of managing the other person's life.  Ultimately, things go awry because of this fact.

It is the responsibility of each of us to make ourselves as strong as we can.  This is a universal statement which applies equally to dominants as well as submissives.  Do not believe the rhetoric that states anyone should be weak.  Even the lowest of the low, the total sewer dwellers within this way of life, have great strength.  Trust me when I tell you, the lower the act, the more strength and esteem required to operate in a healthy manner.  Yet few recognize this idea.  Instead, they believe that only weak people behave in this manner.  Regardless, wherever on places him or herself on the BDSM scale, it is up to each one of us to better ourselves in every way.  BDSM is about living at a higher standard than the rest of the world.  We seek freedom to structure our lives as we see fit.  That is a wonderful power to have.  However, we need to ensure that we can handle that power through responsible behavior.  Personal development in every area is what leads to that end.  Without it, bad things can happen.

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What Does BDSM Mean To You?

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Evolution Within The Lifestyle

Many enter the BDSM world with pre-conceived notions which they are unwilling to change.  I find that people who have this mindset tend not to last in the lifestyle too long.  For one to truly excel in the BDSM environment, an open mind is crucial.  Much of what is a turn off today might well be your fetish down the road.

Experience

We know there is no substitute for experience.  The best way to decide about something is to experience it for oneself.  All the reading and research in the world does not make up for first hand knowledge.  In short, there simply is no substitute.

As an example, I like to use the analogy of childbirth.  I am male which means I never felt what it was like to have a kid exit my body.  Now, most females have went through this process at least once.  At the same time, many of them could tell me in detail about the experience.  If I searched long enough, I am willing to bet I could find someone who would spend months patiently trying to get me to understand what happens and how it feels.  Unfortunately, it all would be for naught.  There is no way I can truly know what it is like to give life to another human since, as a male, I am incapable of that.  Intellectually I might understand and be advanced with it but as a matter of practice, I will know nothing about it.

Flip this scenario around a bit and put two women together who have both given birth.  This brings up a totally different set of events.  To start, they both know exactly what the other one went through.  There is no intellectual understanding but, rather, practical experience.  Morning sickness, water breaking, and labor pains were all felt.  No description is necessary.  Experience was the teacher.

It is the same in BDSM.  Many will look at things and project what it is like.  I will use impact play and the pain associated with it as an example.  There are many who enter the lifestyle claiming they are not into pain.  Well, that is an assessment that I can agree with.  However, because of this outlook, they close their mind to the benefits of impact play and how it can positively affect some.  There are many who thought that pain is not something they like only to find out that impact play unleashed a terrific desire within him or her.  The pre-judging almost caused one to miss a fantastic aspect of our lifestyle.

That is not to say that everyone will come to like pain or impact play.  There certainly are many who do not want to participate in this activity even after experiencing it.  Nevertheless, their decision is based upon experience as opposed to projected ideas.  There is a big difference.

You Will Not Be The Same

Another area where this concept applies is with regards to where one eventually goes with regards to the lifestyle.  It is a simple fact that the person you are today is not going to be the same person two years from now.  Over time, we change.  Our interests will grow as we experience different things.  New opportunities arise which we will be able to take advantage of.  People will enter our lives who warrant more trust than those previously in addition to having knowledge that is apart from what we encountered.  All this will affect the person we are down the road.

Again we see people with the pre-conceived ideas about what they will be.  Many enter saying "I am not and never will be a slave".  For many, this becomes an accurate statement.  However, it is a mistake to close one's mind off to this.  The truth is there were some who found BDSM as subs only to realize after a period of time (and experience) that they could live as a slave.  Of course, this often entailed having someone who was capable of earning trust to this degree but the point is still the same.  A once held belief was smashed.

We evolve in this lifestyle.  Much of it is out of curiosity therefore we try something new.  Every experience builds upon the previous so that we start to assemble a catalog of things we are capable of being involved in.  As we grow as people, our interact within the BDSM world changes.  Sometimes life necessitates a stepping back while other times we become more active.  Continual self analysis will help us to monitor exactly what is needed at all times.

The bottom line is that when you are new at anything, being an expert is impossible.  As you progress and learn, new situations are available to you.  BDSM is no exception.  So many want to proclaim themselves Masters and take control over someone else without having a clue as to how that is done.  Being responsible for another being is not an easy task.  Yet people of this ilk believe it is as simple as saying submit to me.  As most of us know, that is only the beginning.  Of course, we know this because of the experience that came with time.  We are different people as compared to when we found the lifestyle.  Over the years, not only did we change as people but the interactions within our own BDSM life evolved.  It was, and continues to be, a process.

Open your mind up to the possibilities.  And remember, just because something does not seem to fit for you today, be slow to discount it totally.  You might find that it is a part of your life down the road.

DN 


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Getting Rid of Baggage

Have you ever noticed a young child who walking along, especially a boy?  What about this individual that struck you?  Anyone who has watched young children in this manner will tell you they have a habit of picking things up and shoving them in their pockets.  There is so much that interests them which becomes important to take home with them.  Of course, as the journey progresses, the pockets reach a point where they are full.  This leaves our young lad with the choice of either replacing an older item with a new one or discarding the newer one as soon as it is picked up.  Of course, we laugh at this behavior but the truth is adults do the exact same thing.

Baggage

The accumulation of stuff throughout life is called baggage.  For many, this might be physical items which have no purpose yet are hung onto for reasons beyond most comprehension.   We see this with those we lovingly refer to as pack rats.  Life becomes extremely difficult when it comes time to move.  All these things, of which great importance is given, need to be boxed up and physically moved.  Naturally, the new location requires enough room to house it all.  In short, it is a major hassle; one which mostly is unnecessary.

This practice is not just relegated to physical items.  People pick up a great deal of emotional/psychological baggage along the way too.  Similar to physical objects, here we see someone who hangs onto emotional situations as a security blanket.  Nothing is ever released.  The events of life, more accurately the pain, are continually paraded out in an effort to win approval in some way.  Victimization is a common resource that people like to tap into.  They are ready to toss out the event where they were screwed. 

Even if a person does not overtly model their trials and tribulations, there is a good chance the person will harbor them deep down.  In many instances, this person is more difficult to deal with since one is unaware of what exists within that person.  Pain is a difficult thing to deal with and does not tend to go away on its own.  Over time, it will subside, however, the imprint upon our psyche is there.  Those who do not proactively deal with their life situations (or the emotional ties to them) tend to relive them when facing another similar situation.

Hence, it is best for each of us to eliminate as much baggage as we can.

Relationships

You might be wondering what all this has to do with BDSM.  As most of you are well aware, I repeatedly tell everyone that the essence of BDSM is a relationship.  This is a fundamental point that cannot be overlooked.  No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one chooses to look at, it ultimately comes down to two people (or more in a poly situation) interacting with each other.  This means that much of what we learned throughout the course of life in dealing with others comes into play.  Again, few seem to realize this, instead, opting to believe that the BDSM world is some magical place which is exempt from the laws of human nature.

So few seem to view the entrance into a relationship with the idea of "what can I bring to this".  Here we see those who talk about giving, in actuality, behaving as complete takers.  Their desire is not to enhance what the other person gets but to take what he or she can.  While this is not often a conscious decision, it is the behavior that many exemplify.

The need to be rescued is never a sound basis for entering into a relationship.  There are so many who suffer setbacks and go seeking for someone to who is able to fix things.  We see this in the areas of financial, children, and, even, a place to live.  It is amazing that a person decides he or she wants to be involved with someone and goes seeking while his or her life is in total chaos.  This is never a healthy thing to do.

***I will mention a sidenote here.  Things are different if you are already involved in a relationship with another person.  We all encounter issues in life.  For example, the loss of a job might lead to financial crisis.  When involved with someone, especially M/s, this is a situation that the other person can help address.  However, it is completely different if you are not in a relationship and approach someone when totally insolvent financially.

Being Responsible

I view BDSM as existing on a higher plane that the average lifestyle.  We use words such as honor, integrity, and courage.  This are ideas of which many of us are suppose to subscribe to.  They are not just words thrown together in a protocol list although I will admit that is how many treat them.  People are to adopt them as characteristics to implement into their lives.  Yet as no surprise, this is not done by the masses.

In my mind, we only need to look at the idea of responsibility to learn where people fall short.  This is a major problem within the BDSM community.  Few are willing to take responsibility for themselves and the what occurs in their lives.  On the contrary, people engage in the blame game as a means to divert attention away from the true nature of the malady.  I am often taken aback when I see this behavior out of people who are "Masters".  Here is an individual who is granted complete power yet he (she) does not own up to the responsibility that goes along with that power.  Certainly, here is a person who is failing to live to a higher standard.

The same is true for an individual who seeks a BDSM relationship as a means of rescuing.  A person of this nature is going to have a ton of baggage that was not dealt with.  Much like the physical stuff that is continually stuffed in the basement until there is no more room, an individual in this situation is just bursting at the seams with emotional and mental problems.  Fears, anger, insecurities, and other unhealthy traits are sure to emerge.  These characteristics will, over time, eat at the relationship until there is nothing left.  Resentment is often a main culprit since one is having to deal with things that he or she did not initially know existed.  Using the example of finances, there are many who find a Master who unwittingly becomes responsible for massive credit card debt.  Since this person was financially imprudent, most of her income goes to past debt which stifles the present household situation. 

We can say the same thing about some type of addiction.  Addicts do not like to be alone.  Since a low self worth is a common thread in people like this, receiving validation by the involvement (romantically/sexually) of another person a path often followed.  However, as most can imagine, interacting and dealing with a person in active addiction is more than most bargain for.  Nevertheless, the fact that the individual did not take care of this minor tidbit led to the bringing down of another person.  A lack of responsibility ultimately causes harm to another.

So this begs the question: how are you?  Are you someone who is on solid footing?  Before answering that, please do not misunderstand me by thinking that a person needs to be free from problems.  This is an unrealistic goal.  Everyone had problems; it is a part of life.  However, the question is what are you going to do about them?  People who are proactive and seek to solve their life situations, whether physical, financial, or emotional, are better adjusted for dealing with the responsibility of a relationship.  These are the types who put in the personal effort to better themselves on a regular basis.  Clearing away emotional garbage is not a one time thing.  It is something that a person needs to constantly monitor.  When one handles issues in other areas of life, that is a sign that possibly he or she does the same with emotional baggage.

Remember, BDSM and the path that one follows is an inside job.  The journey, especially to start, is within.

DN

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Strength Equals Domination

Do not think this post applies only to those who are dominant.  What I am going to discuss here today applies just as much to submissives.  In fact, because of the misinformation that exist online, it is even more crucial that submissive read this post.  Contained herein is something that is seriously missing in the BDSM world today.

A Submissive Is Not Weak

I see so many post in their profile something to the effect: do not mistake my submissiveness for weakness.  Certainly, I agree with this statement if it is indeed true.  To start, it is sad that this needs to be stated and very telling about the state of the lifestyle today.  However, I feel that most who post this statement are indeed weak.  It is not the submissiveness that makes them weak but, rather, their approach to life.  Naturally, I am going to say the same exists for most of the "dominants" who are out there also.

We live in an entitlement age.  This is the state of affairs as I see it.  There is no denying that more people today are dependent upon someone (thing) outside of themselves than ever before.  It matters little what metric is used to study this situation, the end result is the same.  For the last 30-40 years, in the Western Cultures, people were indoctrinated into the idea that they somehow "deserve" something.  Madison Avenue did a terrific job instilling this belief in people.  Whether it is the fancy foreign automobile or the McMansion, the fact is that people have the mindset that they deserve these items.  The concept of work and affordability is beyond them.

What does this have to do with BDSM?  I point this situation out to illustrate the larger context that we are dealing with.  Naturally, this idea is not exclusive to BDSM but is applicable since it is a microcosm of society at large.  This is a fallacy that the Internet has promoted: the idea that somehow those living in the BDSM world are somehow exempt or operate differently from those in the traditional realm.  Life is still life.

Entitlement is a path that breeds weakness.  Years ago, the imagery was presented with the analogy of the spoiled rich kid.  Here was a person who was handed everything in life and did not have to work for anything.  In high school, this individual had the fanciest car and the nicest clothes while those of us who were less fortunate were obligated to work after school to pay for the beater we drove. 

The weakness enters the picture in the fact that when life is made too easy, when things are taken care of for us or given to us, we fail to grow.  Strength comes from encountering the difficulties in life and overcoming them.  This is true throughout the course of nature.  Our own individual aging process is nothing more than a series of lessons provided by life.  The more we experience, the stronger we become.  Unfortunately, the reverse is true.  When we are shielded from those events in life, we become weaker people in comparison to the rest of the population. 

So when a submissive says she is not weak because she is submissive, I whole-heartedly agree.  Nevertheless, since we live in a world today where entitlement is the norm, I tend to believe that more than a few are indeed weak simply because their approach to life.  In the next section, I will explain how to alter this reality.

Dominate What You Can

We all know there are a lot of things in life outside our control.  Our political figures do whatever they want in spite of what we believe to be the best course of action. We work for others who have ideas which differ from our own yet they have the power hence we do as instructed.  Driving on the highway is a lesson in powerlessness when we see the lack of skill at maneuvering an automobile.  In short, there is a great deal which we have no power over.

This brings up the next point which is that one, whether dominant or submissive, needs to dominate those areas which he or she does have control over.  Strength comes from domination.  To succeed in any area of life, one must approach it with the intent of totally controlling it and altering reality to fit a chosen ideal.  This is what power means.  And submissives, just like dominants, have this inherent power.  The question is whether one chooses to apply it to his or her life.  Sadly, for both, I fail to see many exercising their power.

I am a big believer in the idea of determining what someone truly is by looking at the totality of that person's life.  Inevitably, the lack of congruence will appear.  I see so many who claim to be dominant yet have no control over any aspect of life.  People like this are often out of shape, in trouble financially, in a dead end career, have a miserably family life, and their home is a mess.  The first thing that pops into my head is "what do you dominate".  The fact is that someone who is a dominant personality would produce results in accordance to that quality.  Sadly, for many, this simply is not the case which tells me this person is not living according to that precept.

The same is true for submissive types.  While I will admit the motivation is different, one who is strong (and alone) will take control of those situations that he or she can.  The same aforementioned areas are within the power of a submissive.  They are the basic areas of life and failure to handle them puts an individual (and a family) in a world of hurt.  Therefore, it is necessary to take control of these situations and alter them to our liking.  Ironically, when a submissive does this, the baggage that is carried into a new relationship is lessened.

Not Rescuing

BDSM is not about rescuing another or being rescued.  I see so many who have experienced difficulty in life and believe that BDSM is their ticket out of misery.  Their failure in other relationships and other outside events like financial circumstances lead some to seek someone to remove these obstacles.  It is easy to find many victims online all looking for the White Knight to come along.  Of course, there are some who believe they are White Knights who are more than willing to fill the void.  Unfortunately, even for the most earnest of saviors, sometimes the burden is just too great (or they were not as sharp as they thought).

A BDSM relationship is the merging of two (or more in poly) people who are willing to bring something to enhance the other person's life.  The key is what is one able to give as opposed to take from the relationship.  A successful BDSM relationship has a submissive (slave) who is willing to focus upon the needs of the dominant (master) while he/she does the same in return.  Each person has a role to fill.  They are diametrically opposed in character trait but the motivation for the focus is the same: what can I bring to this other person's life?

Now, before some of you go off the deep, I understand that everyone is dealt a bad hand in life at times.  Certainly, there are many issues which can arise that cause one to become dependent upon someone or something.  Illness, as an example, can strike any of us.  Bad financial circumstances sometimes arise overnight causing tremendous hardship.  At the same time, even within a relationship, there are times when one person is unable to give to the relationship and must assume the role of taker by leaning on the other person.  This is a healthy way to approach things in times of need.  When one is weak, he or she should attempt to tap into the strength of the other.  However, if this is all the time, as in the case of the rescuing, eventually that strength is unavailable to either person.  Relationships of this sort always end.

Therefore, whether you are dominate or submissive, seek to dominate those life situations which are under your control.  Certainly, many will find those areas of influence rather limited.  That is okay.  As long as you are taking control of what you can.  The reason for this is to build strength.  Thus, if the only area of responsibility that you affect at this moment is the cleaning of the house, take charge and do it 1000%.  Whatever falls into your sphere, aim to dominate that situation and make it the best that you can.  In the end, this will make you a much stronger person who is able to handle responsibility.  And that is something sorely needed in the BDSM community today.  There are just too many people who behave in non-responsible ways. 

DN

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Emotional Maturity

The BDSM community seems to be filled with a bunch of children or at least this is the impression one gets when surfing the different chatrooms online.  I cannot recount the number of times that I witnessed behavior that reminded me so much of high school.  It is really sad to see adult people, many whom have children themselves, acting in such a manner.  The only thing that comes to mind is "grow the hell up".

 Emotional Maturity

A big part of the problem as I see it is the fact that society in general has done a poor job raising people to be adult about things.  We live in the entitlement age meaning that people feel that it is their right to assert what they want in ever situation.  When their desires are not met, which is going to happen when dealing with different people, they throw a "hissy" fit.  It is similar to the child getting upset in the sandbox and going home with his pail and shovel.

Naturally, this behavior is not exclusive to the BDSM community.  However, we do reflect it completely.  The maturity level of most is substandard to where it needs to be.  It should be everyone's goal in 2013 to grow up a bit and behave in a better fashion towards others.  The community could sure use some adults.

At the core of much of this is fear.  Online we see so many people who cannot take being challenged.  This exists amongst both the dominants and submissives.  Egos are so fragile that anyone who questions what one is doing is instantly met with ire.  The reactions to even the most basic of questions is astounding.  Of course, this is taken to a different level when one unknowingly does not follow protocol and "insults" someone (usually a so called dominant).  It seems at these moments the new individual is fair game in the world of online whippings.

The bottom line is too many people believe their own garbage.  The truth is, no matter what you focus upon, there is someone out there who has done it better, longer, and in more positions.  It is impossible to excel at everything.  We all have weaknesses and shortcomings.  In addition, each of us was clueless and unknowing since we were new to this way of life also.  Tolerance is something that is rare among people who are "experienced".  Instead, they tend to get their ego fix by thrashing others thus elevating themselves.  To me, this just shows a lack of character.

Growing Up

So, how does one go about growing up? In my mind, it all starts with understanding how much of our actions are controlled by the ego and instilling ideas of counter balance that.  Most of us are super sensitive beings which leads us to need to strike out when we feel we are attacked.  Again, this is childishness at its best.

Therefore, the starting point is to know that people are not going to always agree with you, that there will be times when you are wrong, and that it is okay for others to having a differing viewpoint.  As a writer, this was a lesson I had to learn long ago.  It is difficult to have people slam something that I spent time creating but it happens.  Anyone who posts regularly in a forum or blog experiences the same thing.  People are going to challenge what is written and sometimes in not such a nice way.  That is life.  The way to deal with this is to not take it personally.  It is nothing more than a viewpoint of another person, someone whom you most likely do not know.  That does not make your idea wrong (nor does it make it right).  It simply is a form of dispute that in the larger context of things most likely does not matter.

Another aspect that is involved is understanding that just because something works for you, that does not mean it applies to everyone.  Recently I wrote a post about the tendency of many within the BDSM community to have the mindset of "its my way or the highway".  These people live by the notion that their approach to BDSM is the only way to live it.  Anyone who is not adhering to their ideas is a fake or playing games.  This outlook is 100% ego.  There is no right or wrong way to approach the BDSM lifestyle.  Basically, it comes down to whatever works for the people involved.

BDSM is a cross-section of society in general.  People come from all walks of life.  It is crucial to understand that people have different life experiences which put them in their present state.  Some are more intelligent than others.  Families differ from person to person with many having wonderful upbringings compared to others who suffered greatly.  Naturally, much of this is not overt when interacting with another person and that is why it is imperative that one be mindful of how he or her behaves.  One never knows what triggers are there or how one suffered in the past.

At the same time, part of the maturation process is letting go of the bad stuff that happened.  It is a fact that many suffered tremendous physical and sexual abuse.  If you are one of those people, we feel for you.  But guess what?  There are many others who are endured the same thing.  To hold onto that and continually play victim is not only immature, it is a form of manipulation.  There comes a time to let things go, especially if they occurred decades before.  Do what is necessary, even if it requires professional help, to overcome these types of hangups.  Playing the "I was molested" card shows a lack of maturity.

The final point I want to make is the need for all of us to keep things in the proper context.  Right now, there are people starving in the world.  There are wars taking place with innocent people killed.  Millions are living as true sex slaves, being held captive against their will while ensuring tremendously.  BDSM is a lifestyle that we choose which can enhance anyone's life.  However, it is just one aspect of our lives.  Even for those that BDSM penetrates every area, it is crucial to remember there are many more important things that we deal with.  This is really magnified when talking about one's online activities.  As much as you think being the moderator of that BDSM chatroom is, there are other things which are more important in your life.  Always remember that. 

We all need to spread the proper message about BDSM.  However, a fundamental component that is missing, overall, is the quality of respect.  People need to start treating others with respect and dignity.  Just because one decides that he or she is dominant, that does not mean that a submissive is instantly open to abuse or degradation.  The same can be said for someone who is experienced.  Having XX number of years in this lifestyle means little if you are going to act like a horses ass.  One's "position" in the lifestyle does not entitle him or her to throw out the rules of civility.

Ancient civilizations lacks the intelligence and emotional insight that we garnered over the last 500 years, thus acted like barbarians.  Sadly, this lesson seems lost on the BDSM community.  Let us start acting like it is 2013 AD as opposed to 2013 BC.

DN

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