Professionals

Many seek out the services of professionals to fulfill their BDSM fantasies. For many, this can be a wonderful way to approach the lifestyle. It is a route that one can choose which offers a greater chance of being with someone knowledgeable, thus decreasing the likelihood of getting hurt. Professionals offer a service that many cannot find anywhere else.

We have all seen the episodes on television where a high power male hires a Dominatrix to work on him. This is a common impression that the mainstream likes to portray. However, there are many different variations on this theme. There is an equal chance the professional is a male. Also, women are as likely, if not more, to enlist the services of a professional as her male counterparts.

The use of a professional creates an environment where the scene is high structured. All components of the scene will be determined ahead of time. The use of safe words is always present with a professional. I have yet to meet one who did not insist on them. Also, they are usually very specific with what they will do. There are certain areas of play which they will not engage in and He or She will mention them.

Do not call a professional for sex. These people are not escorts or prostitutes. They perform a service that is legal. However, crossing the line into sexual activity while being paid puts each in legal peril. In fact, penetration with anything is considered sex-for-pay and off limits. Anyone who offers that as part of the service needs to be avoided, in my opinion. I would believe that person is laying a trap of some kind. It might simply be ignorance but that is not something that I would want to risk.

This is a business arrangement. Remember that when "negotiating" with this person. Each side is worthy of certain respect while adhering to a certain protocol. Just because you are seeking this person's services does not mean that you are agreeing to submit unconditionally. As mentioned, there are boundaries established which each side adheres to. The treatment that you receive will reflect your status as a customer.

A final word: the use of a professional is for the purpose of pleasure only. The hiring of this person does not make you a slave. A BDSM fantasy is being lived out by people who are partaking in certain roles. The submission is only for the scene itself and not part of a larger context. The term "slave" is not valid other than to enhance the moment of the scene. A true slave carries a completely different meaning. If you encounter someone who immediately pushes you into "slave" mode, pack up your stuff. There is a good possibility this person is not really a pro.

Figging

Figging is a type of BDSM play that does not seem to get much publicity. It is something that I heard dates back to ancient times. As a sexual practice it can be exciting and increase the pleasure for both Dom and sub.

This technique involves the ginger root for anal play. Ginger, in it's pure form, has a bit of a burn to it. As an anal toy, this is stimulating for many. It heightens the senses while walking the pain/pleasure line.

Here is how this play goes.

1. Tie the sub up on your favorite position so that the ass is accessible to you.
2. Insert the ginger root "finger" into the ass until it reaches the ring.
3. Watch the reaction you get as the "burn" increases (you might want to play with him or her while this is happening).

It is a simple technique that provides a great deal of pleasure. The trick in this is the preparation. Your success is determined by how well you do with this.

Here is how you prepare the ginger for figging.

1. Start with a full hand of ginger. Most stores sell ginger pre-cut into fingers. Only buy full hands of ginger-an oriental grocery store might be the best bet.
2. Cut the finger off down near the hand. Make sure the finger is at least 3.5-4 inches.
3. Remove the skin of the ginger and make the finger smooth with a potato peeler or knife.
4. Cut a ring about 3/4 of the way down for the anus to grip onto. (1/2 inch wide should be perfect.
5. Wash ginger in cold water to lubricate.

A few words of caution. The juices from the ginger will burn if it gets in contact with the eyes. After preparing the ginger root, wash your hands thoroughly to avoid touching your or the sub's eyes during play. Also, be sure to use a "finger" that is thick enough in diameter so as not to snap while in the ass. Finally, avoid any lubricants during this play since they will tend to seal the ginger. Use water and insert slowly until the anus accepts it.

Figging is an ancient practice is ideal for enjoyment and can be used as punishment. The "burn" will vary for each individual. Some reported it similar to the sensation of using a muscle cream. Others said it is like the feeling of eating a hot pepper. I found that those who enjoy pain really love this technique. Experiment with it and see what you find.

Entry Into The Lifestyle

I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was recently introduced to our way of life. He recently got with a girl who is equally interested in BDSM and all that it offers. Neither has much experience in this area so they are seeking guidance as to the best approach. People who regularly read this blog know that I believe one of the main benefits of BDSM is the flexibility for two people to design a relationship how they see fit. I suggested that these individuals experiment to find what worked for them.

What was interesting about the conversation was his belief that he needed to be an expert immediately. I sensed that both wanted to attain a level which comes from years of experience. They certainly had the desire to dive into it full-tilt. While this is a natural tendency, I mentioned that perhaps a bit slower approach is beneficial. Many are hurt by one or both parties moving too quickly. It is important for both individuals to feel comfortable with the progress being made.

Limits are something that every person needs to determine. Experienced people know exactly where their boundaries are. Nevertheless, new people need the time to decide what they like and dislike. Here, conjecture is often misleading. Many believed that felt a certain way about something only to later determine that they liked it. A good Dom will take a sub to a limit, then try to move that person past it. This requires taking things a little slower. Shocking one is usually not a good thing.

Thus, the lesson of the day is to take things slow. The BDSM world is one that is diverse and exciting. However, there is no need to experience it all in a matter of days. Experimentation is the best practice; find out what your likes and dislikes are. And, always remember, safety is the top priority.

Unhappy People

Have you ever been to a party and seen someone who is completely miserable? Of course, we all have. What is interesting is that the same thing occurs at BDSM or swinger parties. There are some people who just want to sulk regardless of the environment.

I was recently at a swinger's party (I know not BDSM but bear with me) where there was one there who was a total party killer. This particular event had a fair bit of action. Unlike many where people are standing around, on this evening people were getting into it. Sex was occurring everywhere. For those who like the group thing, it was an amazing site.

Now to our party killer. She was someone who I did not know. However, within minutes of being introduced to her she was ranting about how horrible everything was. She proceeded to degrade most of the men there and all the women. To her, there was something wrong with everyone. I am sure you can identify with this type of person.

Luckily, I was able to get away from this woman. She is nothing but a constant complainer. Nothing is ever good enough for her. In truth, she is a miserable person. Personally, I want nothing to do with anyone like that. Life is too short to occupy my time with killjoys such as her. Let her find someone who is as miserable and they can have a pity party together.

This reminds me of another one who was at a BDSM gathering that I attended a couple of years ago. The event was held at a friend's house who is deeply involved in the lifestyle. He and his wife really have a BDSM playground. Almost every room in their house is set up for play. Every toy you can imagine was there. They even managed to create a full dungeon room for scenes to take place. Overall, it is one of the better BDSM houses I saw.

You can guess what I am going to mention next. Another killjoy. There was a man there who complained the entire evening. If it was not the furniture that got it, it was the accessories. First he was upset that they didn't have any bamboo (guess they ran out; who knows). Then, he focused on how a dominatrix was doing a scene all wrong. After that he decided that this party was not worth the distant that he had to drive. Thankfully, I can say I never saw this person again.

My experience is that people like this cannot be reasoned with. There are some who are just miserable in their life. Many of them have control issues which leads to them having attitude since we all know most things in life are out of our hands. People are often jaded over past relationships, emotions which they never dealt with. Sadly, these are the ones who are the loudest. Their insecurities make them believe that everyone else needs to hear them.

BDSM is a way of life that is exciting, fun, and enjoyable. However, it does not solve our life problems. Also, the issues that other people have are prevelant in this lifestyle. When people want to bring all their misery and unhappiness to you, it is best to walk the other way. Why allow these people to ruin your day?

Maturity

This is a lifestyle that demands maturity. There is no place for those who approach it from an immature perspective. If people cannot handle being adult about our way of life, then it is best for that person to move on. It is my experience that people who fail to be able to do this end up hurting themselves and others.

I wrote previously about many having "the need to be right". This is an immature approach that stems from low self esteem. We see this evidenced when any of their ideas are challenged. The situation is worsened when you look online. Many are braver when they have the anonymity of the Internet to hide behind. Cyber courage is commonplace with these people. They rant and rave through the keyboard calling others all kinds of names. Ironically, these cyber bullies cower when confronted with a situation in real life. This is my experience anyway.

There is also the subject of jealousy. This is another sign that reflects a degree of immaturity. Many feel threatened when their One is with another. If this is something that you experience, I would say the traditional world is more to your likening. Quite a few who are in this way of life are poly in some form or another. One might take on multiple partners during a scene. Also, He or She might have the sub be with multiple people (if that is an area they agreed to venture into). Basically, group sex is commonplace and those who see green are going to have difficulties.

The final area of immaturity is in dealing with others. There is a lot of "she said, she said" (I refer to it is the feminine since it is women who I see to engage in this more than the men). People are too easy to get their panties in a ruffle; if we wore any. Many feel the need to take digs at others to prove their worth to their Dom. In fact, I witnessed situations where subs tried to one-up each other by proclaiming who had the better Dom/Master. This certainly reminded Me of the schoolyard where the child says "my daddy is better than your daddy". Again, this was a situation that occurred online.

The decision to enter into this way of life takes a strong ability. There are many out there who are jaded and angry over events of the past. If you are one who hates men because of your past relationships, as an example, then BDSM is not going to solve your issues. You need to work those out before trying to find a Dom/Master. The bottom line is that many need a good dose of growing up. Stop blaming everyone else for the issues that you have.

As a writer I am often criticized for the words that I set down. Many seem to feel the need to express their opinion if they do not like something. Of course, that is their right and I welcome it. However, I also have the ability to ignore the insults that arise occasionally. Some just cannot help but to be mean. Naturally, these typically are the ones who are miserable in their own lives. To Me, these people are not worth the time to respond. This is what I believe the mature approach is.

Differences Of Opinion

It is always interesting to see how people degrade the ideas of others within the BDSM community. I find this fascinating since many of us experience the prejudice of society in general. Yet, instead of rallying around this way of life, there are those who prefer to tear others down. Usually, these are the ones who are the so-called "experts". They insist that their way of life is the only way.

The wonderful part about BDSM is the broadness of it. There are so many ways to be involved in this lifestyle that it is too numerous to list. Also, the end result is that people enjoy themselves. Sex is meant to be fun. Most people in this way of life are highly sexual beings. Why shouldn't they enhance that aspect of their life? How they go about doing it is nobody's business. As long as it is done in a safe manner, what goes on between two consenting adults is their deal. Everyone else can jump in a lake.

Many want to critique the ideas of others. Often, this is done in a demeaning way. Being a person who values freedom, I cede this is that person's right. However, there is a saying that "nobody ever erected a statue for a critic". Many times people leave harsh comments about something that I wrote. My response is "what have you ever done for this lifestyle champ?". It is easy for one to sit on the sidelines and pass judgment. Nevertheless, people who are worth a crap are actually in the game.

There are going to be differences of opinion. No two Doms control a sub the same way. Each has his or her style that works. The same is true for subs. I have yet to meet two who were identical. Each has her own qualities and attributes. BDSM is truly a lifestyle that is contoured to each individual's tastes. This is one of the more appealing characteristics of it in my opinion.

So the next time you want to get on your high horse, I ask you, what makes you so damn important? What have you ever done that makes your opinion worth anything? Before you condemn, let's see your list of accomplishments. I always find it interesting that the ones who are usually running their mouths (keyboards in this case) are the ones who are bitter and alone. Ironic that O/one who screwed up every relationship wants to advise others on what to do.

The bottom line is there is more than one way to practice this way of life. If what someone else does is not to your liking, shut your lips and mind your own business. That is how mature, enlightened people approach life. Of course, those who feel the need to bully to prove they are right are really just showing how low their self esteem is. The bully is the one in schoolyard who is always pushing others around to hide the fact that he thinks little of himself. This persists until somebody stands up to him by punching him square in the face.

There are enough people looking to put us down for our beliefs. The need to do this among ourselves should not occur. Work on your self esteem so that you do not feel the need to "always be right". Going off on a tirade does not prove that you are much of a person. Allowing others to be themselves is the mark of a true adult.

The Desire To Serve

Submission is something that is entirely personal to a sub/slave. The depth which one is willing to go varies greatly from person-to-person. There are many who want to live in 24/7; serving around the clock. Then there are those who only want this situation occasionally. This is one of the wonderful aspects of the BDSM world. It allows for great flexibility among those who are involved.

The desire to serve is something that comes from deep within one, in my opinion. Many cannot understand this aspect of a person. Obviously, this is not something that society promotes. Control and power are the qualities that it says are important. You are a success only to the degree that these are achieved. However, submission is a characteristic that is admirable. The selfless giving of oneself to another is to be cherished.

I speak often to many who are not in this lifestyle. In days past, I tried to explain the position that a sub/slave takes. I did my best to relate the experiences and feelings of those who I interacted with over the years. Yet, never was I able to convey it to these people. Simply, they did not get it. Nor would they ever. It is not something that the average person can comprehend. To them it is a foreign concept. "I would never submit to a man" or "My man needs to listen to me" are sentences I heard. These people wanted to retain the power and control.

Does this make them wrong? Not at all. These individuals did not have the overwhelming desire to serve another. My experience leads me to believe that only a small percentage of the population falls into this category. Perhaps it is a bit larger when you look at the many who lovingly serve their children. However, this is a great deal different than serving a Dom/Master. The ones who are able to submit to this degree seem small as compared to the general population.

Service is something that should be admired. We take it for granted as a quality. Sadly, those who perform that work in our culture are looked down upon. They are the ones on the lower rung of society. Choosing to live the life of a submissive is a terrific way to fulfill your inner desire. It is something that one need not be shameful about. And, it certainly is not a sign of weakness. Many make this mistake. There is nothing more powerful than one living his or her life in the way that it was meant to be. It takes courage to do the inner search to arrive at the conclusion that W/we all do. Most tend to follow the values and virtues of what society itself is promoting. To me, this is cowardice. Choose to live the life the way that your inner core tells you to. It is the path to happiness. Hopefully, BDSM is the way that provides your answer.

Dealing With Personalities

This can be a Dom/Master's biggest challenge. Every person has a different personality. This creates an interesting situation when multiple subs/slaves are involved. The One who is dealing with these individuals needs to be flexible in His or Her approach. Unfortunately, there is not a "one size fits all" for dealing with different personalities.

I witness Many who prefer to believe that there is only one way to deal with subs. This is incorrect. A sub/slave enters into a relationship with many different experiences. These all need to be taken into consideration when interacting with each one. Failure to do so can cause irreversible harm to that person.

Past abuse is certainly a common area that needs attention. Many (women especially) were abused sexually. This is not something that is only within the BDSM community but, rather, society in general. Some are fortunate enough to get the counseling needed to overcome these experiences. However, the vast percentage do not. This is something a Dom/Master should consider when interacting with this individual. For example, I had one who suffered abuse from her father as a child. With her, the use of blindfolds was out since she would go back to that time whenever she could not see. It was an adjustment I made to keep her in the present moment during our scenes together.

Another aspect that needs to be examined is the experience level of the one that is involved. Obviously, my approach will change when dealing with someone who lived in the lifestyle versus someone new. I have different expectations based upon the experience. At the same time, depending upon the treatment of her past Doms/Masters, I might have to undo a lot of misinformation. There are so many people pretending to be in this lifestyle who end up abusing another. A good Dom/Master will delve into one's past to see how she was treated.

The final item that I will mention is regarding self esteem. Again, I do not believe the percentage in any different in the BDSM world compared to society at large, but many You will deal with have low self worth. Most people grow up be programmed to believe they are not good enough. This comes from parents, peers, religion, and teachers. Even when not intentional, many adults will transfer their own lack of esteem onto a child. The results are obvious. One needs to be mindful of this when dealing with a sub/slave. Choosing to submit is not a sign of weakness; rather strength. Anyone who is following his or her inner calling is one worthy of praise and admiration. One should focus attention on this fact on a regular basis.

There are an assortment of other ways that subs/slaves differ. Identifying the needs of each is a major responsibility of a Dom/Master. It is important to contour the training to matching these needs of each. If not, the relationship is usually doomed to fail. In my experience, the ones that succeed are those where the needs of one is fulfilled while his or her talents are used to maximum potential. Treat each as an individual will increase the chances of this occurring.

Knowing Your Place

Many to relish the idea of submission. It is an ideal fantasy. I see this commonly among those who are being trained online. While I like the benefits of the Internet and what it does for our lifestyle, it also has led many to believe that is reality. Real world is substantially different than online. Anyone who lived as a sub for even a few days realizes this.

A sub's answer is "Yes, Sir" or "Yes, Ma'am". The BDSM world is one that centers around an exchange of power. In the Master/slave, it is a total exchange. At the same time, the D/s relationship has a complete exchange of power in those areas that are agreed upon. Regardless of the makeup, this premise is the focal point of the relationship. In fact, it is what separates it from traditional relationships.

It is common for a sub to forget his/her place. Societal training leads us to the point where we are taught to be self sufficient and that we have a say. A sub cedes this in BDSM. It is not his or her place to say anything. The Dom/Master is the one in control. It is the responsibility of a sub to obey.

This situation always brings up the point of hard limits. Do they really exist and, if so, what are they? Obviously, there needs to be some limits which are non-negotiable. Anything that involves children is naturally off limits. The same goes for abuse. While many subs enjoy pain, there is no need to beat him or her to the point of needing medical attention. This is a limit that One should not get to. These are a couple of examples of hard limits.

Notice that each of those limits is basically a societal/human decency item. We do not promote the use of violence or death. This is in line with what society believes. However, to me, that is the extent of hard limits. A sub, once submitted, agrees to follow the dictates of the Dom/Master. This is non-negotiable. "No" is not in the vocabulary. It is really disappointing when a sub believes that he/she has a say in what transpires. Too many believe they still have the right to say "No".

I will acknowledge that this lifestyle is completely voluntary. Nobody can be forced into it (society disagrees with that also). However, once someone agrees to the premise of our life, it is time to adhere to the proper protocol. This is determined by the ground rules established by the One in charge. To do anything different strikes at the foundation of what this life is all about.

My feeling is that if you want to retain control, stay in the traditional arena. Many are attracted to some aspect of the BDSM world while not really belonging. Again, it is more of a fantasy to them. Sadly, misinformation is often one of the main culprits. They are mislead into believing that BDSM is a life where all is merry. Life is still life. This is something that nobody can avoid. Adding the pressure of keeping a Dom/Master happy often becomes too much. The fantasy quickly turns into a nightmare. Consider this before delving into it. Many will expect you to know your place.

The BDSM Scene

The "scene" is the most basic component in the BDSM lifestyle. We often talk about the lifestyle and all the different facets to it. However, when we break it all down, the scene is what really inspires us. This is what the general public often pictures when they think of the BDSM world.

I take great pain to help people enter this way of life with an open set of eyes. It is easy to be led astray with all the misinformation that is out there. The Internet is full of ideas that lead to pain and hurt. That being said, it is also healthy to mention what many consider the most exciting part of BDSM.

The scene is the interaction between two or more people. Typically, it occurs between a Dom and sub. The "dungeon" scene is the most famous image that is promoted. It is a visual that really shows the separation between the One in control and the one who submitted. The fact that the dungeon scene also has an element that is raw to it makes it exciting for many.

People who are in BDSM really can allow their natural traits to emerge during the scene. To me, it is the most basic way to show my dominance. At the same time, subs mentioned it is where they really experience being controlled by another. There is something about being able to do anything physically or sexually to another that stimulates these juices within us. Of course, safety remains a standard concern at all times (you didn't think I would skip over that, did you?).

The scene can occur within the bounds of a relationship or can be the basis for getting together. Often, a scene will develop at a party where there is a room set up with all the accessories. It is not uncommon to see a Dominatrix working on a sub she just met. Depending upon the "accessories" available, this can be a time when fantasies are fulfilled. Many like to be tied to benches, crosses, or other types of BDSM furniture. A variety of other accessories are used such as floggers, whips, paddles, and dildos. The scene might include sex but not always. It is up to the participants to decide what they want (ahead of time). Depending on the knowledge the two have of each other, there are rules agreed to including the use of safe words.

The scene is designed for one thing: pure pleasure. Both parties really can fulfill their basic dominating or submissive nature. It is the time where all inhibitions are cast aside. Remember safety but then, after that, seek out maximum pleasure.