Patience

I am continually amazed how most want to jump into a full-fledged TPE relationship within a few minutes of finding this lifestyle. It is baffling how people instantly believe that they are capable of living as a Master, Mistress, or slave without any knowledge about what this life is about. Most believe that since they were always dominant (or submissive) they are able to immediately get into a relationship. As many find out, this is incorrect.

Knowledge Takes Time

Knowledge is something that takes time to acquire. There are many ways to go about gaining it but the most common are by living through life lessons and reading. Sadly, most want to go out and get themselves some experience instead of spending the time reading and learning. A lot can be garnered by studying the wisdom of others. Following this route can also avoid many pitfalls.

Experienced people like to share their knowledge. We write posts on different sites for the benefit of newer people. This is where a lot of experience can be garnered. Through the words of others you can see their feelings, what they went through, and how they handle different situations. All this will play into your decisions about different aspects of the lifestyle.

Patience Is The Key

As mentioned, most seem to want to jump into a relationship immediately. My question is how do you know what you are even looking for on another person(s) if you do not understand your particular aspect of the lifestyle? Just because one believes he or she is dominant, that does not make them ready to be a Master or Mistress. By the same token, I see so many who proclaim themselves "slaves" without even an inkling what that truly means.

Just yesterday I was conversing with someone who is new and seeking information. The best suggestion that I had for her was to be patient while reading all she could. Get a variety of viewpoints about the life before making any decisions. It is crucial for one to determine where he or she fits before seeking someone to compliment that decision. I find that most reverse the process and add someone into the equation before deciding where he or she fits. This is the proverbial horse before the cart situation.

There is plenty of time to move forward and get yourself involved with another. However, in the intern, relax and try to learn as much as you can. This will alleviate a great many headaches down the road. Remember, getting into a BDSM relationship is easy compared to keeping one going. You can snow someone in the beginning. However, they will ultimately find out that you do not know what you are doing if that is the case. This is not something that can be faked.

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Plight In Life

This is going to stray a little outside the bounds of BDSM. I am going to share some observations about what I notice going on this the normal world. There are going to be some presumptions but, as I age, I see people who opt to fit into one of the two categories. Notice how I said the word 'opt' since we all our life is nothing but choices.

The Two Categories

Using out BDSM terminology, I noticed there are people who are Masters and then those who are slaves. Society, of course, uses different terms. It prefers to call people 'leaders' and 'followers'. The leaders are the one society esteems while the followers are looked down upon. This is the way it always was and, I presume, always will be.

The ironic thing is that few people consciously choose their plight in life. Instead, it is thrust upon them by the environment they exist within. We all tend to be products of our surroundings. We ultimately emulate those who are closest to us. Business leaders tend to breed other business leaders. Blue collar workers do the same thing. While we might envy others in a different situation, we usually follow those who we interact with.

The Ingrates

The world needs both sets of people. For many, the life as a slave is a perfectly acceptable way to live. There are many who do not have the material wealth but are rich in other ways. They live life according to their own precepts and reside the dogma that is forced upon them by others. Overall, they are wonderful people who truly make an impact on those around them.

Then there are those who are the exact opposite. These are the people who are societal ingrates. When one looks at their lives closely, it is easy to see they serve no purpose. If the person disappeared tomorrow, would anyone miss them? We find these are the people who deep down are not very nice people. They do not contribute but, rather, take in all instances. People like this attempt to use everyone they interact with. Instead, I believe these are the ones that are meant to be stepped upon. Too often, I find the situation is easy to turn on them. A lack of intelligence is often a barrier that cannot be surmounted.

No Equality

There is no such thing as equality. Nature dictates this to us all. Whenever one analyzes the natural laws, it is easy to see that there is no such thing as a level playing field. Realizing this will make your life a lot easier. It is those who hold out the false hope that someday everything will be 'just' who keep buying into the polyanna pipedreams. Life is a difficult challenge that rewards those who excel. Those who fall behind get swallowed up.

The ingrates in the world end up getting swallowed up in their own deception. Those who have the inner strength to grow, learn, and improve are the ones who have a chance. They are the individuals who have the ability to move from slave to Master. Choosing to live your life according to someone else is something that most do not even opt for themselves. Instead, they allow others to dictate this to them. At the same time, those who make the conscious choice to move in the direction they desire find they never have to bow before another individual. Life is a conscious choice that requires a great deal of inner searching.

BDSM Is A Conscious Choice

Anyone who is new to BDSM is beginning the search. This is the stage where one needs congratulations. Few ever take this initial step which is so life altering. It is not easy to remove oneself from the dogma that society preaches. Cultures typically do not promote the idea of individual choice or freedom. Sure it is paid lip service but society is about obedience and control.

Those who choose to break free from this mindset and search out the path to their own fulfillment requires strength. BDSM is one of the avenues people can opt for to find happiness. We all were confronted with the fact that what we were previously doing was not working. BDSM offered the route to entertain our desires. Suddenly, many of us found that the BDSM way of life provided a great deal more. However, none of it is possible unless one makes the conscious choice to begin the search.

Everyone has a different plight in life. There are many out there who seem to be 'born to be stepped on'. Nevertheless, these type of people are not involved in the BDSM way of life. Anyone who undergoes the necessary inner examination to determine what he or she wants and has the guts to follow that, is not a weak person. Thus, that individual will always be able to hold his/her head up high. There is something special about a person who is willing to walk away from the masses to pursue his or her own end. BDSM is where one can adopt a new plight in life.

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Guilt: A Powerful Weapon

Guilt is a powerful weapon that many people learn to use to manipulate us into behaving exactly as they desire. This is something that many learn from a young age when they start to guilt their parents into proper behavior. The line 'you dont love me' is a sign that one is trying to guilt another. Basically, the former is playing upon the emotions of the later. As we know, this is an effective way to get what we want.

Only If We Buy Into It

All of us hate having this done to us. I cannot think of anyone who like to be played like this no matter if it is done by a Master, child, husband/wife, or co-worker. It is a horrible feeling to know that you were so blatantly manipulated. It is one of the more obvious methods used and often leaves one feeling completely down.

The odd thing about guilt is it is effective only if we buy into it. This might sound counter-intuitive but guilt has no power except for that which we give it. When we say 'he made me feel guilty', we are actually lying to ourselves. The truth is that we allowed ourselves to be pressured into feeling guilty. We chose to give another person the power to manipulate us to his (in this example) ends. The personal responsibility that we were all given dictates this. Another person only has power over us if we choose to give it to that person.

Guilt And BDSM

A BDSM relationship is simply another form of a relationship. Therefore, we see many of the same characteristics of all other relationships within the confines of this one. People using guilt to manipulate each other is commonplace. Dominants do it to their submissives who, in turn, do it back to them. In some situations, it is a vicious cycle.

While there are hundreds of forms of manipulation via guilt, the simple fact is that it is highly inappropriate in a BDSM relationship. To start, the fundamental basis of this type of relationship is some type of power exchange. This places the balance of the power in the hands of one person. Therefore, the dominant is one who should not need guilt to get one to obey. Obedience is something that is a basic component of this relationship. If not, the dominant is lacking in his/her control.

On the other side of the coin, a submissive person should not be manipulative. While I realize this is often not possible, it is a goal that one ought to strive for. Manipulation occurs when a sub/slave is not getting what is desired. In essence, he or she feels that the dominant one should grant another choice and this person is going to use guilt as a means to get that end. Guilt is something that we are all taught by society so it comes natural. I find that most are often unaware that they do this.

Of course, manipulation should never be tolerated. Corrective action needs to be taken whenever this monster appears. Left unattended it will grow into a regular part of your relationship. This is simply a habit that one does. Since most are unaware of it, the first step is to bring it to one's attention. After that, the necessary actions can occur for correction.

Self Imposed

The final component aspect of guilt to cover is the self imposed version. Not only are people experts are manipulating others, we also are equally as talented in using guilt on ourselves. Here is a simple question, 'have you ever felt guilty about something that you did' (or did not do)? Everyone will answer this question in the affirmative. To go one step further, where did the feeling of guilt come from? The truth is that we imposed it upon ourselves. We are apt to buy into this concept whenever we do it.

To stop this behavior, one needs to search further as to what is behind the guilt. I found that most people are too hard on themselves. This is especially true of submissive types. For whatever reason, they have a 'perfectionism' complex. Perhaps this is because the dominant ones are too hard on them but the fact remains that many do not cut themselves the slack to be human. It is impossible for a sub/slave to be perfect. Entering this lifestyle does not exempt us from the natural state of being human. Mistakes as much a part of life as breathing is.

Thus, it is imperative that one 'lighten' up if he or she is to ever overcome feeling guilty. There is no reason to feel guilt over making a mistake. They happen. The important thing is to learn from them when they occur and ensure that you do not repeat the same behavior. Forgetting something, making an error, or outright disobedience are all things that can be overcome. Guilt is something that never makes anything better. We live in a world where we are judged for our actions. Results are created through action. Thus, the feeling of guilt only serves to imprison us while clouding the path to a solution. It serves no purpose so resist the temptation to engage in it.

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Other Focused

The mindset of a slave is so important. It is probably the most crucial aspect that separates one who is able to live in a M/s relationship versus those who cannot. Many enter the life believing that they can life in a TPE situation only to realize that it is not as easy as they anticipate.

Societal Beliefs

Society promotes the idea of personal power and self-centered focus. We have encountered the 'me' generation. Society is a group of people looking after their own self interest while not concerning themselves with the plight of others. The mind is trained to think of oneself first.

We see this mindset taken to the point that people do not even concern themselves with the lives of their own children. It is not uncommon for children to be left unattended while the parents does drugs or has sex. Periodically, we witness the tragic results of this outlook. Look out for number 1. It is deeply rooted in us.

Where does this leave a slave? In my opinion, to be successful as a slave, one must adopt a mindset that is exactly opposite what society teaches. Anyone who follows the dogma laid out by our culture surely will fail as a slave. Societal beliefs fundamentally oppose the idea of a TPE relationship.

Other Focused

A slave needs to default to the mindset of being 'other focused'. This entails considering someone else before oneself. Many will state how easy this is but it is not. Anyone who ever tried it knows it goes against every fiber of our cultured being. Service in general is looked down upon by the masses. We arrogantly believe that we are better than those who are paid to wait on us. This is just another built-in prejudice that one needs to overcome if he/she is going to succeed as a slave.

Putting the needs of another before oneself can be learned. I have witnessed many who embrace this outlook over time. While it is impossible to be 100% effective in this, there are many who ultimately live this way most of the time. Always considering the needs and desires of the Master is what should direct the life of a slave. Daily work at adopting this mindset is crucial.

One thing that every dominant person should include in his/her training is the idea of ego deflation. There are many ways to accomplish this task and a variety of methods is the best approach. Over the years, I have removed the name that a slave identifies with her traditional role. This is something that we are given at birth which has a great deal of our identity wrapped in it. Have a slave called something else is helpful is having her identify with the new 'her' (him). Another method is to make him/her do things that are way out of the ordinary. For example, most humans are accustomed to using the toilet. If a Master removes this from the regular routine, instead requiring elimination outside the house, we once again see the identity of the ego deflated. One will begin to see that he or she is not there for oneself but for the satisfaction of the Master.


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Desire: The Starting Point

Desire is the starting point for all change. Any self-help program will cover this topic in great detail if it is worth anything. The central fact is that people will not change anything about themselves or their lives unless they first have the desire to do so. It is that simple. No matter how much we try to exert influence upon another person all is fruitless until that person has the inner craving for something different.

We can see this in all walks of life. It is a well known fact that excessive weight is a hazard to people's health. Intellectually, most of us know we need to drop some weight (if we are heavy). However, how many people actually do something about it? Very few. At the same time, we have people on the opposite end of the spectrum. They were grossly overweight and struck up the inner urge to change that about themselves. These are the people who we see lost 75, 100, or 150 pounds. They are the inspiration for others as to what is possible.

Desire is an important element in the BDSM community. I am a believer that this life, or at least aspect of it, are so far removed from what we are ordinarily taught. There is a learning curve that everyone must transcend if he or she is apt to be successful in this lifestyle. Anyone who has entered into this knows that it is not an easy path to follow. No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one is in, there is a certain desire necessary to grow and learn. A lot of what we deal with take discipline and regular effort. Becoming a proficient Master or slave, as an example, requires patience, study, and motivation. There are many benefits to be reaped yet they do not appear without effort.

The starting point for all change is desire. Obviously, it was a desire for something different that led you to begin looking at this life to begin with. People do not seek change unless something is amiss with the present situation. For most of us, we simply were not fulfilled following the traditional path. There are many among us who obey the societal directives perfectly only to realize that perhaps they were misled. Going to school, getting the good job, meeting the nice girl, marrying her, and having the family is the prescription that society sells as the path to happiness. And for many it is. Nevertheless, we are the ones who desired something different and used that desire to embark on a different journey. Finding this way of life was the first step in the fulfillment of those inner needs.

There are also times within our 'BDSM lives' that we need to tap into our inner desire. For example, we are all aware of how relationships can go 'stale'. When two people are together for an extended period of time, it is possible to take each other for granted. This is something that many have to work at overcoming. And guess what is needed? Desire. Do you have the desire to put forth the effort to take your relationship to another level? If you do, then you will put for the energy to do those things that make a difference. Perhaps it entails exploring another aspect of the relationship previously overlooked. Or it might mean altering a schedule to interact with each other in a different manner. Whatever is needed, one needs the desire to continually move forward.

Desire is something that we need to regular search for within ourselves. Life has a way of battering us at times. And he (or she) has a way of getting under our skin to the point where we want to throw in the towel. The decision to do this or not is in direct proportion to our desire to make it successful. At times desire is flowing out of our eyeballs. Others times it is hidden deep within us. Nonetheless, it is something that we need to bring to the surface regularly. I found that everything else stems from it.

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Financial Domination

This is a subject that is certain to ruffle a few feathers. Well, to state more accurately, my writing about this subject will cause the upheaval. It is one that I am adamant about and will not withhold punches. This is one of those topics which leaves very little room for latitude. Many will accuse me of taking the 'it is my way or the highway approach'. That is fine. The truth is I witness the games played in this arena and see so many taken for a ride. Experience this a few times and you will, no doubt, reach the same end.

Financial Domination

"Property cannot own property"

I make this statement on a regular basis. To me, it is part of the fundamental core that is our lifestyle. Anyone who is opting for a TPE style relationship is entering into something that is pretty absolute. There are many who proclaim themselves to be able to live in this structure but I found that few truly can. It is not an easy path to choose.

That being said, anyone who wants to live as a 'slave' needs to fully comprehend what that means. When one is owned, he or she has nothing except for what is given by the Master/Mistress. At the same time, anything that person receives is also by right the property of the Master/Mistress. One is not able to own anything for him or herself. The term 'mine' (or my) is eliminated from this person's vocabulary.

In the end, one is dominated financially just like he or she is in every other aspect of life. My slave is my property thus I own all of her. All resources that she had in life became mine when she joined me on this journey. In my view, that is simply how things work in this aspect of the lifestyle.

Certainty

While many state they are slaves while lacking the makeup to actually live that way, I will state that it is minor as compared to those who claim to be dominant. There are so many who believe their domination is affirmed simply because they capitalize their name on a website. This is not domination nor does it qualify one to be dominant. True domination is the following of an internal desire that is coupled with knowledge and experience. It is garnered over time as one learns the internals workings of the mind. Domination is as much mental as it is anything else.

So, what does this all mean? Quite simply, if one (submissive) is expecting to live as a slave, he or she must be certain of the person one is interacting with. This seems like common sense but, remember, few really have any idea of the person they are chatting with. Most put up a good front. The reality of the online community is that the largest percentage of people are not involved in real time relationships. At best, they are engaged in online role playing; at worst, outright deception. This creates a precarious situation if one is seeking to be 'financially dominated'. Absolute certainty is crucial if you are going to take the next step.

Con Jobs

As you can guess, I feel that most are just putting con jobs on other people. At this point, I am going to pick on the 'Dommes' since they are the one who I think play the greatest con game. Also, I am going make some blanket statements about society that you may or may not agree with. However, there is still a biased that I can see which equates to some of this unenviable behavior.

What is a 'financial domme'? I see this advertised all over the place. What the hell is someone who is only willing to dominate in one area? To me the terms 'gold digger' is more accurate. Whenever I see this advert, I know that person is not real. This is one of the grandest con jobs in the BDSM community. And what is sad is that people enter into these relationships believing they will be dominated. The truth is that the Domme is only seeking to clean one out.

I feel for the male submissives. They have the hardest road in my opinion since there are basically the gold diggers and the Pro-Dommes for them to deal with. Few women are into the full fledged domination. That makes their path that much more difficult. We live in a male dominated society which holds the belief that men much be strong while women weak. Also, because of the career prospects, the earning power of a male exceeds that of a female in most instances. This leaves a male vulnerable to the games that are played in this regard.

How To Combat It All

This goes out to all, not just the male submissives. The best way to combat this is to truly know who you are dealing with. An online relationship is vastly different than real time. Anyone who experienced both knows the difference. The online world is suspect for the simple reason that anyone can create a persona online. You only have the words that are written on a screen to go by. Nothing else, in the online world, is verifiable. That is the primary reason why I continually state that anyone engaged online must implement the traditional methods of communication as soon as possible. These methods help to verify what was already stated.

Knowing the person you are dealing with not only entails verifying their address or state located. One must also be sure he or she is a dominant worthy of your submission. What I mean is that the person is capable of providing one with what he or she needs. A slave who only turns over his/her paycheck is living an unfulfilled life. Every slave that I met wants to be dominated completely. That is why a 'financial domme' is nothing more than a golddigger. This person is not providing anything to the slave. A relationship is a two-way street with each person giving and receiving. A person of this makeup is just taking.

To end this thought, I will state that trust takes time to build. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect a person in a new relationship to cede all over to the Master/Mistress immediately. It is only after the dominant proves his/her abilities that one will feel comfortable in doing so. The trust factor allows a relationship to travel deeper and deeper. Handing over a paycheck of monies received from a job is one thing. To turn over the proceeds from the sale of a house is an entirely different matter. In these instances, I think one needs to use common sense and realize what is at stake. Until you are certain, and in person, that you are dealing with someone real, I would be hesitant in my approach. And, please avoid anyone simply proclaiming to be a 'financial domme'.


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Domination: A Misconception

Domination is a factor that makes up 50% of a BDSM relationship. It is impossible to have a relationship without having this. There is nobody for one to submit to unless there is another person willing to dominate. This is just a factor that is indisputable.

Fortunately, there seems to be no shortage of people who are willing to step in and call themselves 'dominant'. Chatrooms and forums are full of people who enter and immediately proclaim themselves 'Masters'. Perhaps there are a few instances where this is warranted but most of them are simply assuming a role. Often this is decided by the societal mantra that one should control and dominant. We live in a culture that promotes the strong while downplaying the contribution of those in roles of service. Everyone wants to be 'Gordon Gecko' of Wall Street fame.

Take Care Of Me

I will show this point by telling you what happens in my own life. My slave cooks for me. She does my ironing. All food shopping is handled by her. She contributes financially to my house. Her efforts help me to work towards my goals. Sexual servitude is performed in any manner I desire. My house is maintained by her both inside and outside. These are just a few of the duties that she performs for me.

This is what a slave does. He or she performs the tasks that a Master (Mistress) sets forth. However, the difference is that I do not need my slave to do any of these things for me. I am perfectly capable of performing all of these duties myself. I am not dependent upon her to take care of me. While she makes my life easier in many ways, I do not need her to do them to get where I am seeking. Her efforts assist me as opposed to her taking care of me.

Many do not fall into the same category. I see many who want a slave who will take care of them. There are many out there who are seeking to have someone provide for them financially when they cannot do it themselves. Others come to depend upon another for emotional stability and look to that person for significance.

This is not domination.

Weakness

Those who look to another to do what he or she cannot do oneself is weak and I do not believe someone without strength can ever dominate another. (As a side note, I do not believe that a weak person can adequately submit to another either. Strength is required on that side of the equation also). To successfully dominate another, I feel that one needs to be complimenting oneself and not replacing a 'lack' within oneself.

To put it bluntly, there are many individuals with lives that are a complete mess. Every aspect of lives are in total chaos. Financially they are in dire straights. Emotionally they are walking around as an open nerve responding to every stimulus out there. Their physical health is awful with obesity and laziness prevailing. They are lonely people without much direction.

The problem arises when these same people enter the BDSM world by stating they are dominant. There seems to be a belief that simply because one bought into the societal notion of power and control then he/she is naturally inclined to dominate another. I find that to be untrue. Domination requires a great deal more than that.

Get Your House In Order

Before you can successfully dominate another, I believe you need to get your own house in order. There are certain skills required to excel in this realm. The fact that one is struggling in every area of his/her life shows a lack of these abilities. Success permeates throughout all facets of our lives. Relationships are about interaction with another person. Those who cannot do this in the 'vanilla' aspects of life will face certain failure here also.

Ignoring the fact that I cannot understand why any submissive will be attracted to a person of this nature, I feel there is a basic component missing from a relationship established upon these grounds. My experience is that a submissive person is seeking strength in a dominant. Now, I know we can describe strength in many different ways but the bottom line is that certain skills lend themselves to life success. Having a person lacking in this strength will result in the relationship being strained. Commonly the submissive ends up having to compensate for what is missing in the dominant. This is a position that I find most true submissive types detest. My experience is that few enjoy being in the dominant position when they entered a relationship seeking to be dominated. And this is exactly what happens.

A submissive is not designed to take care of a dominant. If you are one seeking to be 'taken care of', then I suggest you look at why you are entering this way of life. BDSM is a wonderful choice for many people. However, it is not a substitute for the failure to achieve basic interpersonal skills. Make sure that you have the ability to dominate before you accept taking on someone else. To decide this, look at all the other areas of your life. How are you doing there? If everything is a total mess, perhaps you want to tend to them before you bring on another. A sub/slave should compliment your life, not make it.

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Commitment

This is something that people often talk about but rarely think about in great detail. I found that success in any endeavor, regardless of the aspect of life chosen, is directly related to the commitment one is willing to make. Many say they are committed yet their actions say otherwise. However, those who approach situations with the commitment of success are apt to achieve just that.

Starts In The Mind

Commitment is a mental exercise. It is the decision that tells oneself that 'I am going to succeed no matter what'. In essence this means taking whatever action is required to achieve the results that one (or a couple) is seeking. Again, you will find that few ever approach this level in any of their affairs.

Most people are excuse makers. They prefer to take the route where they justify not succeeding. It has become the national pastime. In fact, it got so bad that many have excuses ready to use before any action is even taken. People are so accustomed to not succeeding that they prepare built-in excuses to explain the failure.

All Applies To BDSM

Why do I bring this point up? The simple answer is because it is a factual statement that applies equally to BDSM as it does to all other aspects of life. If one is truly going to find success, happiness, and fulfillment in the BDSM world, I believe one must commit to that end. Too many people we encounter approach this life like they do when trying on a new pair of shoes. They believe they will 'test the waters' to see how things work. Based upon my experience, people can save a great deal of time since this outlook rarely leads to success.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned in the submission process that one needs to commit to this life before deciding upon a Master/Dom (I was referring to the submissive types in the book but it is applicable to the Dominants also). As mentioned, this means having the willingness to achieve success no matter what the cost. Anything less than that mindset will most likely lead to failure.

Are you willing to take the time to read and learn about this way of life? Will you engage in the internal search to determine what you are seeking and what aspects of the life are suited for you? Can you transition from the traditional model to one that is radically different from what you know? Do you have the strength to live life as you see it understanding that many will be non-supporting of your decision? Stepping into the BDSM world often means leaving a great deal of what you knew. It is not something that can be taken lightly in many instances.

Stepping Out On A Belief

Those who look at this life obviously are doing so because there is something missing in his/her present life. Of course, I am referring to those individuals who are seeking to make a drastic change in life (those who are just looking to add some play to their relationship are in a different category). Without the knowledge or experience that comes with being involved in things for a while, one is required to step out solely on belief. Over time, that belief will become reaffirmed through experience. But in the beginning, there isnt much more to go on.

This is why it is crucial to be committed to this belief. As you research and do the internal searches, you will find what fits for you or not. Many find this is not their cup of tea while exiting quickly. Other start pursuing further eventually involving him or herself with another. Again, we are hoping the belief that this is the path to happiness is reinforced. At this point, the success or failure of the relationship is dependent upon one's commitment to it. Those who take it lightly usually end up with nothing in the end. It is only those who realize this is something to put immense effort into who achieve long term success. The mindset of 'I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work' shows commitment.

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24/7 BDSM

There seems to be a great deal of confusion as to what being 24/7 means. Many seem to think that one is at the Master's beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I guess in the literal sense, being a 24/7 slave does mean this. However, in this day and age, it is good to intertwine practicality amongst the literal. For this reason, being 24/7 carries a different connotation.

Former Life

Let us be honest: very few people were raised to be slaves. This is remarkably different from the historical eras where slavery was commonplace. In Egyptian times, as an example, children that were born to slaves were instantly property of the owner. The same was true in the Southern U.S. in the 1700s and 1800s. People were raised knowing exactly what their plight in life was. There was no decision to be made. A child of a slave grew into a slave. Period.

Now, if we contrast that with the common mindset in society today, we see an entirely different viewpoint. Most people follow the edict established as normal by the culture in the same way that children of slaves progressed. Each follows the dogma except for the rare exception. Today, the prevailing path espoused by society is one of equality within a marriage. The traditional model promotes a man and a woman partnering together for the basis of the family unit. This institution, marriage, is one where there is equality (at least that is the lip service-whether it truly exists is questionable in a still male dominated culture). Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal and, thus, shunned.

What does this mean for the slave who enters into a BDSM relationship. Oftentimes, there are outside responsibilities which arise due to choices we made prior to finding this way of life. It is common to find slaves who also have to take care of children fathered by one other than Master/Mistress. This means that one is obligated to perform tasks that do not pertain to the M/s relationship.

I also find that we live in an age where two incomes are needed for financial survival. I could espouse my beliefs about as to why this happened but it would take away from my message here. The simple truth is both adults usually need to work outside the home. BDSM participants are not excluded from this reality. While there are some who are financially well off, most have to work to provide for their families. Again, this is a responsibility that we do not have immunity from.

A Mindset

Being 24/7 is a mindset. There are times when we all have other 'Masters' we need to serve. There are people such as bosses, colleagues, and others who we have authority over us based upon a position. Many take orders throughout the day from people other than their Masters. Of course, this does not mean that they are 'owned' by all these people.

At present, my slave works outside the house. This is something that is done with my approval. She ran the prospect of work by me before she went to get a job and received authorization from me before accepting the position she did. That being said, throughout the day, she takes orders from someone other than myself. Many will mistakenly believe that she is not 24/7 because of this. However, that is not the case since she knows at all times her owns her and what she is. Her 'slavery' does not end when she leaves the house.

One other aspect pertaining to this; I am the one who benefits from her efforts. Being a slave means that she does not own property. Therefore, her wages are turned over to me since they are mine. Her labor gains are for me. At the same time, I can also tell her to leave that position. However, if I do, I must be willing to accept the consequences of that decision...the loss in income. Her 'obedience' to her supervisor is done only as a means for survival in the workplace. If I decide to overrule what her boss demands, then I must accept the outcome there her manager chooses; termination.

In conclusion, realize that 24/7 servitude directly to a Master is not feasible in many instances. But, if one has the mindset of a slave and knows who he/she is owned by, then all efforts will be directed towards that person's benefit. And, this is just as valid a form of slavery as living on a plantation 250 years ago.

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Growth: Is It Happening

Growth is something that I write about frequently because I am a believer that is the basis of all we do, both as individuals and a couple. Every situation offers an opportunity to learn. Growth is the result of stringing a series of learning opportunities together over time.

Mistakes

People try to shy away from mistakes. It is our natural tendency to want to be right. Our egos cry out against the concept of 'being wrong'. However, this is an outlook which robs someone of valuable resources for growth. Mistakes are our best teacher. We learn more from a single mistake than we could from volumes of books. For example, there are hundreds of thousands of books written about investing. One could choose a multitude on the same investment style. Nevertheless, there is more knowledge gained from the loss of $1,000 on a trade than can be garnered from 10 textbooks. Real live mistakes is where the education is .

It is time we embrace our mistakes and actively seek them. The only people who do not make mistakes are those who do not try anything. These are the ones who never grow or develop. At the same time, there is a group of people who are always trying new things. The education/knowledge level of these individuals is immense since they tend to make a great many mistakes. Remember, the most successful people usually made the most mistakes.

BDSM Relationships

For whatever reason, many seem to think that sub/slaves ought never make a mistake. I witnessed the belief that mistakes are worthy of punishment. Certainly, there are times when punishments are required for growth. However, a simply mistake is not one of them in my opinion. That being said, I will state the same mistake made repeatedly is worthy of consideration for punishment. When one continually does the same thing when shown not to, that most often shows disobedience.

Which brings up a larger question: what happens when one is trying but repeatedly makes the same mistake? In my opinion, this is not a situation where obedience is involved but, rather, incapability. There are certain things that one is simply incapable of doing. For example, you could put a gun to my head and tell me to dunk a basketball; it is not going to happen. That is something that I am completely incapable of achieving. I am not being disobedient since I will put forth all effort to dunk the basketball. However, my natural limitations enter the picture.

So, what happens in this situation? Here is where one needs to decide if he/she is being unreasonable with the another. Some are simply incapable. To expect one to be otherwise is unfair, inane, and useless. If one has the desire yet still falls short, that is an indication of this person's limitation.

Lack of Growth

What if this extents to an overall lack of growth? Who does the responsibility fall upon in a BDSM relationship? I will start by stating that the makeup of the relationship has a big part in this answer. A D/s situation is radically different from M/s. I would say that more of the responsibility falls to the submissive one in D/s whereas the Master is in control in M/s. If one is not growing, determining who is at fault is important because that is the person who needs to take corrective action.

If growth is not happening, I will state that the relationship is heading towards disaster. I do not believe long term relationships last without this vital component. When a sub/slave is stagnating, that has the potential to drag the entire relationship down. A Dom/Master needs to get to the bottom of it is he/she wants to have it survive.

Once again, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of growth. You would be surprised how many simply are not. I would say that most people are 'trained' in the art of stagnation. This seems to be a societal condition bred by the mainstream dogma. (Consider how many people think that education ends upon graduation as an example). Few actively seek out daily and weekly improvement in their skills and abilities. Playing the percentages leads me to believe that subs/slaves overwhelmingly arent naturally into this. Therefore, a Dom/Master is responsible for pushing one to put forth the effort for growth.

In conclusion, I simply believe that if one is not growing, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of it or not. If the answer is negative, release is warranted. However, if the submissive one is able but was not given the guidance, that falls upon the one who has the control. In this instance, he or she needs to consider what is lacking and route a different path. This is part of the responsibility of being in charge.

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