Dabbling With BDSM

Often people think that the BDSM lifestyle is an all or none proposition. In reading the writings of many online, and including my own writing in there from time-to-time, it can be understood that one needs to fully commit to live this way of life or not enter into it.

This is a complete untruth. People can approach this lifestyle in whatever way they deem fit. Many times I write my assertion that there "is no one size fits all" methodology. Saying that there is the equivalent of one proclaiming there is only one way to be successful in marriage. This is a total myth. Each marriage is different; ergo every BDSM relationship is unique.

People, especially couples, often start by dabbling in this way of life. Many feel a certain urge in a particular direction but are unsure the full extent of that desire until they actually experience it. For example, many like the idea of being spanked but do not understand how much until it is felt. This is one of the more common ways to get into this way of life. Light bondage is also the other way that newer couples start to experiment with BDSM.

There is nothing that says you have to like or dislike any aspect of the lifestyle. You are free to go as far as you like with it. Some prefer the extreme facets while others opt to just "dabble" a little with their partner periodically. The bottom line is to do those things that make you happy. BDSM offers a lot to those who do the self searching to realize what excites them.

Taking a slow approach is usually the best track to follow. If both of you are new to this, I suggest doing a bit of research online by visiting many different websites to get a feel of what it is all about. On the other hand, if one of you has experience, I always mention to proceed with caution for the benefit of the newer person. This is magnified if the experienced one is dominant. Safety, especially psychologically, is of the utmost importance.

So, begin to dabble to see what interest you. Do not feel the need to commit to everything all at once. Over time, you will uncover what truly interests you. Some want to be a sex sub, others a full time slave. And, there are people in between those two areas. We welcome all flavors of BDSM so long as it works for you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Submissive Sexually

Many get confused as to the difference between a slave and a sub. It seems that some will view one as better than the other. New people can often be made to feel "less than" when interacting with a number of slaves. It appears that few appreciate the differences until they actually experience it in real life.

I will be honest in that it is my observation that few have the make up to be a slave. This is a position only for those who are extreme. The act of completely submitting all of your life to another is something that many cannot grasp. They proclaim that they can until they actually experience real time situations which affect them. This is where the resistance arises.

In simple terms, a slave is one who turns his or her life over to another. This person retains no control over any aspect of his or her being. In its true form, everything that occurs is only with the permission of the Mistress or Master. A slave has absolutely no say about the treatment that is received. In essence, this person is property.

There are a great deal who are attracted to this part of the lifestyle. They like the freedom that comes with absolving themselves of any responsibility. However, there is the down side to all this. Can you accept the fact that your pleasure is no longer important. Everything that you are about is suddenly changed to a total focus upon the needs of the Mistress or Master. The image in one's head rarely reflects reality.

The other aspect that many enter into is as a sub. I believe this is where most tend to fall on the scale. A sub is one who gives up control in certain areas of his or her life while retaining it in the other areas. Commonly I found that the area where one likes to be dominated is sexually. Therefore, a couple will get together for some D/s sex and then go about their lives as equals.

As mentioned, neither of these choices is better than the other. Both are acceptable as long as one is following his or her inner desire. Problems seem to arise when one tries to fit into something that he or she is not.

Being submissive is usually indicated by your sexual desire. After that, look at the concept of full and complete submission with your life. And remember, there is a big difference between having the desire to serve and being willing to submit completely to another. Reality rarely reflects fantasy.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Experience

This is an interesting topic that few fail to truly look at. Here is a simple question: what constitutes experience in the BDSM world? How long does someone need to be in the lifestyle before they are considered "experienced"? I bet this is something that really never crossed your mind.

I am guilty of doing this same thing myself. I often write that new people should seek out people with experience. Sadly, since I do not offer any qualifications they should seek, I am actually sending them on a wild goose chase.

There is a tendency for people who have "been around a while" to consider themselves experienced. This holds for both those who live online and the ones who are real time. New people are often drawn to someone who has "lived" the lifestyle before. Unfortunately, it seems that few who actually post online have much in terms of real world experience.

People who live online have a background with some of the protocols that online disciplines promote. Nevertheless, I will never state that this is something that even compares with real time. I know many will take exception but none who have lived both ways. The makeup of a relationship completely changes when it is moved out of the virtual world.

Therefore, I believe anyone who has lived even a day of real time has more experience than one who is online. In fact, this concept is held by the true "old-timers" who got into this lifestyle long before the Internet was even an idea. If you meet these people at munches you will quickly understand how they laugh off the online idea. To old timers, this has merit.

Real time certainly creates a plethora of learning opportunities. Everyday in the real world is a learning experience. This is no different than any other type of relationship that you were in. However, this is where the problem of experience comes up. If you were seeking answers to marriage, would you seek someone out who was married 6 months or one with 20 years. I would say the information you receive from the person with 6 months might be a little biased since there is a good chance that person is operating in the "honeymoon" period. One who is married 20 years is able to accurately relate all the ups and downs of that lifestyle. There probably is little that he or she has not seen in that time.

This brings up a fundamental issue with seeking people to learn from in the BDSM world. I see many who share all their experience with new people. The concerning part is that a great deal of these people have only been in the lifestyle for a few months. Of course, there are the long timers online who have been around for a couple of years. These are the ones who are touted as "experts".

I put together this blog as a way to clear up some of the misinformation about the BDSM lifestyle. What I relate here is just my observations and experience. I do not profess to have all the answers but I do have enough time around this way of life to notice the patterns that keep repeating itself. Realistically, there is nothing new that is occurring. The pretenders keep playing the same games they always have. New people keep falling for the same tricks. And, know-it-alls come off with all the answers because their way of life is the true one.

At the end of the day, we still have a lot of people turned off by those who supposedly are in this lifestyle. People, with their actions, mislead those who are vulnerable. My belief is that people are in the position they are for a reason. I can only relate my experience and observations with others. What they do with it is up to them. Everyday is a learning experience for me thus I can only presume that I will know a bit more about this way of life a year from now. That is how I feel my experience can be of value to others. Do with it as you see fit.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

What You Should Know

I write a lot about the online interactions that take place and my conclusion how 90% of the people you encounter have an ulterior motive. For those who meet someone they think is real, here are some information that I believe you have a right to. Whenever you are considering "submitting" to another, be sure you have this information.

1. What is his (her) first and last name? Address? Phone number (both home and work)?
2. Where does he (or she) work? What hours are kept? Can personal phone calls be received?
3. How many times (if any) was he (or she) married? Any children? How old? How long divorced?
4. How long was he (or she) in this lifestyle? How did he (or she) get into it? Who introduced that person to it?
5. How many BDSM relationships was he (or she) involved in? What happened to the last one? What did he (or she) learn?
6. Is he (or she) willing to move to you if things work our? Are you expected to move? Where will you live?
7. Does he (or she) rent or own a home? (if so you can check tax records)
8. If everything works out, will you work? Is he (or she) in a financial position to support you? What about your kids, if you have any?

These are some basic questions that you should ask any potential Dom/Master (Domme). If he or she is unwilling to provide these answers, I would suggest holding off moving forward until you get some concrete facts. An unwillingness to reveal this information leads me to conclude that one is not dealing with someone who is real. Sorry, but I have heard the sob story too many times.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

An Owned Life In Print

The bestselling ebook is now available in print off our website. You now be one of the first to get this informative publication in print form.

Simply click here to save almost $5 from the publisher's pricing.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

The Value Of The Internet

The Internet is a wonderful medium that helped take BDSM from an underworld lifestyle to something that is more socially accepted. While it is still not mainstream, there are many different places that people can now turn for information. Like everything else, the BDSM world got smaller.

Online relationships have taken a bashing on this blog. I write what I see and the fact is that most people are pretending in some way. That means there is also a percentage that are real. This is what I am choosing to focus upon today.

The Internet is a wonderful way to meet people. Because of the expansiveness of it, we can interact with individuals from all over the world. This provides us with insight into the experiences of people we would never otherwise meet. This is a certain bonus when looking at any type of lifestyle.

Personally, I have met a number of people online. Some of these people came into my life only for a short period of time while others spent a considerably longer period of time. However, each of these instances involved eventual face-to-fact meeting. We were able to move the "relationship" from something online to real time. This is an important distinction.

The value of the Internet is twofold. First, it is an excellent place to uncover information. As a reference tool, nothing compares with the amount of information we now have access to. Secondly, this medium allows us to foster relationships that were not possible before. Nevertheless, the value of them lies in moving things onto a personal level.

There are many who met their "mates" online. Chat rooms and other mediums such as social sites allow people to seek like-minded people out. BDSM certainly falls into this category. The ability to filter out differences allows us to get to common ground quickly. This is an advantage as long as both parties are truthful in what they say. It is hard to build a foundation upon anything else.

My overall interpretation of the Internet is that it does work. Of course, I still stand by my observation of all those who are pretending to be something they are not. It is a sad reality and one that must be dealt with honestly. Each time I see someone "heartbroken" over an online relationship, I just shake my head in wonder. For me, I think there needs to be more than characters on a screen before a deep emotional bond forms. Without that human connection, there is a risk of falling prey to those who aren't being completely forthright.

Use the Internet for the advantages it provides. As a resource there was nothing more powerful ever developed. However, it is crucial that we remember that it is called "virtual" for a reason.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Be Careful Of What You Read

There is much written online about the BDSM lifestyle. Today, through the use of blogs, anyone can be a "writer". Many seem to feel the necessity to share their experience with others. This is a wonderful aspect of the Internet. It is one of the things that took our way of life from the underground and made it more mainstream.

That being said, there is a great deal of misinformation out there. Many are writing about their "experiences" and I am not sure exactly what they are sharing. Allowing others insight into one's life is a risky proposition which one should be commended for. I believe these people have the most noble intents when they post their writings.

However, it is sad to see how many write stuff that is absolutely incorrect. They are voicing their opinion which might not be correct. This is especially true when one goes further out on the BDSM scale to the more extreme M/s relationship.

I have seem some who claim to be slaves when, in reading the blogs, I am led to believe that she (or he) is actually the dominant one. There are little insights such as the initiation of sex by the writer that leads me to this conclusion. While one might have that freedom in his or her relationship, it is not the proper place for a slave to do this. Most M/s relationships do not contain this freedom. Therefore, when one puts this forth as fact, it is misleading to newer people since they will believe this is what they can expect. It is not.

In my writings, I try to preface everything with the understanding of this is my experience as a poly Master. Not everyone in the lifestyle is poly thus it will not apply to every situation. In those areas that I do not have particular experience, I try to draw upon those who I have come across who do. My viewpoints will differ from some and this is fine. Differences of opinion are what make the world go round. Nevertheless, promoting things as if they are facts will end up injuring people.

I wrote much about the online world as compared to real time. There was an instance that I want to share with you that happened to me this week. Over the last few months I was chatting with a sub who was waiting on her Dom. He was located in a different country and was going to visit this month. She told me that she called it off last week. When I inquired why she did that, she said that she was tired of him playing games with her. Evidently he failed to do basic things like call when he said or be online at an agreed time. I am sure this led her to question him a little more. Without knowing all the details, she obviously concluded that there was nothing there.

This person who I am referring to has read a lot of my writings. She told me that "I was right". Now I will tell you that I do not write this stuff to "be right". I do it to forewarn people of what exists out there. No matter how it is broken down, 90% of all online "relationships" end up fizzling in short order. Sadly, even with the best of intentions, there usually is great difficulty in pulling things off. Life ends up being a stumbling block.

My point is that not everything we read is factual. Even when someone is writing with the best of intentions, he or she might be misguided. This person I am referring to might have espoused the virtues of long distant online BDSM. Now, I surmise, she has a different take on it. We can only be honest with where we are at on a given day. Those who are delusional see through that. Anything they write will convey the delusion.

This is something we are all apt to fall into periodically. Therefore, my suggestion is to read that person's works on a regular basis. Momentary lapses in sanity will be overcome. The fruitloops, in contrast, remain out there. Find people who continually share experience and cross reference that with other information that is available online. This is the only way you can get a general feeling of what the lifestyle is all about. One person, including me, does not have all your answers. Be sure to spread your reading around.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

BDSM Is Not Violence

Contrary to the ideas presented online, BDSM is not about violence. Many draw that conclusion because those are the images that are presented online. We see photos of people tied up in all kinds of positions and beaten with objects until tears stream down the face. This is shown hundreds of times a day on sites all over the world.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), this is not accurate. Most people who are involved in BDSM are not violent people. In fact, those who are experienced know that it is crucial to go slowly with someone who is new. There are many people who do not like physical pain nor are they able to handle it. Some have past abuses which will elicit flashbacks if pushed too far. I wrote about this topic in my best selling book, An Owned Life. Someone who is in a dominant position needs to understand the power that he or she is being entrusted with.

To be truthful, most scenes do not resemble the ones portrayed online. The equipment that the "professionals" have is much greater than the average person. Few people have the ability or the financial wherewithal to dedicate an entire room and fill it with expensive BDSM equipment. Also, with people usually entering the home, it is hard to explain to your in-laws what the Sabian is used for. This is a conversation I am sure most would want to avoid.

The majority of BDSM is done in limited scope. BDSM is a wide avenue which allows for great flexibility. Therefore, people delve into it to the degree that they are comfortable. We live in a lifestyle that fosters control, not abuse. Forcing someone, especially when they are new, is abusive. Everyone should be offered the opportunity to progress at the rate they are comfortable with.

Violent images only hinder the true nature of this way of life. In my years in this way of life, I would say that most people tended to practice "light BDSM". This is where there was occasional spanking, rope tying, and perhaps a flogging. These are actions that are included in the BDSM realm yet are not too painful. The impact of them is light when compared to those who prefer to go to extremes. Everyone is different and being happy is what is most important.

Anyone is who approaching this lifestyle for the first time needs to broach this subject with anyone you are considering getting involved with. The same holds true for people with experience but dealing with someone new. There are jerks in every walk of life and this one is no different. However, I am here to tell you that abuse is not what we are about. If you find the images online scare you, then be sure to mention that you are not into extreme BDSM. This is a wish that should be honored. Of course, if you are one who really is turned on by the deep red markings shown online, please email me with a recent photograph.

BDSM is something that can offer so much to so many. However, clearing up some of the misconceptions is one of the most important things we need to do. The extreme side of the lifestyle is practiced by a select few. More often than not, we live a life that is much more restrained then what the pornographic industry depicts. In this instance, perception does not reflect reality.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Pain as Pleasure

There are many who are lovers pain. We see these types throughout the lifestyle. While not the most common, they are a fair percentage of the submissive types that we encounter. However, there are times when pain is a good thing and times they are not. I hope to clarify this a little bit here.

"Pain sluts" love physical pain. They are the ones who thoroughly enjoy the beatings they are given. For this reason, physical punishment is not really an effective approach with these individuals. In essence, they love the physical sensation they receive from a Dom/Master. Many will enter a state called "subspace" which takes the feelings to another level.

Nevertheless, there is a time when a sub/slave should not receive physical pain. It is at these times when pain is desired for an escape. To give in to that temptation will cause her to endure more suffering in the long run.

There are times in life when we have to deal with things emotionally. Each of us has situations which create emotional pain. This is a natural part of the growth process and everyone gets to participate. When we are confronted with these times, we can opt to face the pain or run from it. Those who face it mature, those who run dwindle towards nothingness.

A "pain slut" will often ask for a beating when she is hurting emotionally. This is called transference. She wants to transfer the present pain she is feeling (emotional) to something that is more acceptable to her (physical). This is a type of pain that she can handle.

The problem with this idea is that we all need to deal with things. That is part of life. Yet, the desire to "run" is great. Therefore, those who fail to confront the present issues end up lacking the resources to deal with things in the future. It is no different than an alcoholic hiding in the bottom of a bottle. He or she never learns to deal with things.

Therefore, be sure to monitor the emotional state of one before engaging in physical beatings. Even though she enjoys it, she might not be able to handle it at that moment.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

An Owned Life In Print

We are happy to announce that the highly successful An Owned Life is now available in print. It is located on our publishers website which can be found here. This 155 page book is available in softcover and covers all the basics of the M/s lifestyle.

You can still order the electronic version of the book on our website. The link is below.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.