Traditional versus BDSM?

Few, if any, are shown the BDSM way of life while growing up. Instead, we are taught that the traditional model for relationships (i.e. marriage) is the path we are to follow. Most of us go down this path before we realize it is not for us. Sadly, we find out only after we are buried deep in the traditional lifestyle.

The Internet helped to spread the availability of information where people previously were without. Because of this medium, BDSM became a legitimate choice for many. We now can find photos, articles, and how-to help simply by using a search engine. People are learning more about this way of life than ever before.

However, this creates another situation that some have asked me about. What do you do if you are interested in this way of life yet have a significant other who is not? This issue becomes compounded when kids, mortgages, finances, and the rest is involved. Unfortunately, there is no single clearcut answer to this. Each situation is personal and up to the individuals involved.

One thing I always suggest is that people need to decide whether they want traditional or BDSM. While it is possible to implement aspects of BDSM into a traditional relationship, those who are faced with this dilemma are often looking to make a deeper step into the lifestyle. Unfortunately, they are often with partners who do not understand or are not interested. Nevertheless, until one is clear exactly what he or she wants, it is impossible to propose something to another.

So, again, do you want a traditional or BDSM lifestyle? This is something that only you can answer. To reach this conclusion, an internal search is required. Many tend to focus upon the outer circumstances to arrive at their decision. That is allowing one to get caught up in a situation as opposed to determining a true want. Looking inward will reveal whether you want BDSM or traditional. Once you arrive at that decision, you can start to make the other choices that go along with the transformation from one lifestyle to another.

Many will write to tell me how it is easy to say while almost impossible to do in person. I will acknowledge that fact. A situation like this, especially when children are involved, is never easy. Nor should it be taken lightly. However, once you decide that you truly want BDSM, then there are other options available. Whether one ultimately decides to pursue this will depend on what other decisions he/she is willing to make. Many decide to remain in the relationship they are in. Again, there is no rule to follow.

The bottom line is happiness. BDSM offers a way of life that makes many of us happy. We know this is the proper way for us to live our life. It is not something that is for everyone. Most, in fact, belong in traditional relationships. Nonetheless, for those of us who went that route and found it wanting, this seems to be a better fit.

To me, BDSM is about freedom. It allows me to be the person I am without having to pretend so as to fit into someone else's perception of a good relationship. Also, it is a way of life that affords me to be honest with those I am involved with. I do not have to sneak around having affairs because I want to be with someone else. It is all part of the way that I structured my life. Those who think differently do not have to associate with me. They can seek relationship with others. I am happy with the choices I made.

So, what is one to do if he or she is presently in a situation they do not desire? I would say the first step is to get honest with yourself. Realize that things might have changed over the years. Choices you made 5,10, or 20 years ago might not be valid for you today. We see this happen all the time in the business world. People choose a career only to determine they want to do something else. Healthy people follow their hearts. Let your insides guide you in this situation also.

Individuality

If I said it once, I said it 1,000 times "everyone involved in BDSM is an individual and there is no one size fits all". It is astounding that people think there is a particular model that needs to be followed. If that were the case, shouldn't we apply the same standard to traditional relationships. To go one step further, please show me the handbook on marriage. There is not one. Marriages are successful when two individuals create an arrangement which works for them. BDSM is the same way.

Many choose to focus on the sexual aspect of this lifestyle first. Starting here, it is imperative to understand that not every Dom likes the same thing sexually. Some are into anal, others detest it. Some like poly, others monogamy. Some share their subs out, others do not. As you can see, the preferences vary from each person.

The same is true for subs. The easiest example is those who like pain versus those who do not. Obviously, the approach to each of these differs depending upon which type you are dealing with. Typical punishments with a pain slut will prove ineffective. The lesson on this type of individual might be lost if you decide to whip her. Instead of a punishment, she has received a reward.

We could extend this conversation to all aspects of the BDSM relationship. Every part is an interaction between two people. Just because something was effective (or enjoyable) with one in the past, does not mean that it is true for the present relationship. My suggestion is to take each one as it comes.

New Doms

There is a very interesting paradox which exists in the BDSM world that is not present in traditional relationships. By the very nature of BDSM, there is a dominant One and a submissive one. Also, because of the role which goes along with each, the Dom is responsible for the direction of the relationship. He (or she) is the one in control.

What creates the paradox is when a Dom (Domme) is new to the lifestyle. Whenever someone is new to anything, they know little about what needs to be done. This is no different. However, in BDSM, a sub is always looking to the Dom for guidance and strength. This is a difficult situation to navigate.

Sadly, Dom Training 101 was not an elective that people can take in school. Also, except for the rare instance where a parent is known to be involved in BDSM, turning to this person is not beneficial. So, where does One go to gain the knowledge of how to be a Dom?

The Internet is a wonderful method to gain knowledge. However, it is equally misleading since there is so much garbage written out there. Many who post things in chatrooms or forums are nothing more than fakes looking to get their rocks off at home. They are not into the lifestyle.

For me, I was trained by a sub. Needless to say, it was an interesting situation. I was fortunate to get with someone who had the patience to show me what she liked to have done. Over the couple of years we were together, I fumbled my way through different aspects of BDSM. Eventually, I was able to forge my own methodology for the way I interact with subs.

My point here is to be open to learning from wherever you can. My observation is that Doms tend to have a hangup about asking for help. They want to do it all on their own. I presume this is part of the character makeup which allows One to dominate. However, until One learns the basics, learning from others is extremely beneficial. Swallow the pride and admit that you know not what you are doing.

And relax, we were all new at one time.

Punishments

What is an appropriate punishment for a sub/slave? That is a loaded question. As most of you know, I believe in treating each person as an individual. Experience taught me that there is no "one size fits all" in the world of BDSM. Nowhere is this more applicable than in the area of punishments.

Each person takes things differently. I met some who really enjoy pain while others abhor it. There were instances where I had people of each makeup at the same time. This presents a bit of a challenge when trying to discipline. Utilizing pain to one who loves is will have adverse effects. In this situation, one needs to be creative with his/her punishments.

The common viewpoint based upon images on the Internet is that the paddle (or other whipping device) is the preferred method of punishing. However, as anyone with children knows, sometimes a spanking is not the best method. Often, taking something away will have more of an impact.

I like to apply this same outlook with a slave. There are many instances where a paddling is not the most effective method for behavior modification. Sometimes, an act such as withholding time spent with her is a better choice. Of course, if one does not find pain to be attractive, then certainly he or she can be disciplined with a paddle. Again, it is best to try to select the best method for modifying one's behavior.

Another aspect of punishments is to ensure that the "punishment fits the crime". I see far to many Masters overreach in given situations. There is a big difference between disobedience and an error. People, including slaves, make mistakes. I think it is imperative that Master (Doms) know how to remain emotionally calm regardless of the situation. I feel that losing emotional control often leads to the crossing of the line into abuse.

A final point is "time". When issuing a punishment such as withholding time from one, it is crucial that it be for an acceptable period. This is another way that can get into abuse. Choosing to ignore a sub/slave for a month over something relatively inconsequential is not appropriate. We want to be always conscious that the action merits the consequences.

Remember, having a slave/sub learn the lesson that One is trying to teach is the most important thing. Through this, the behavior can be altered.

Freedom

This is something that I truly value in my life. It is one of my highest ideals. Part of my plan for the next year is to restructure aspects of my life to experience more of this. I guess there is something within me which does not like to conform to what society says is proper. Perhaps I have a quiet rebellious streak that I need to satisfy.

Society has a way of conditioning us to behave in certain ways. We are taught that marriage is the proper course to follow when you grow up. (I will leave the question whether it is between a man and a woman or other scenarios to others). Our culture teaches the traditional model which most people adhere to. Being one who followed their suggestions for a while, I can attest that this did not work for me. The concept of a vanilla lifestyle did not go well. In fact, I failed miserably at it.

For those who know of me, you are aware that I never married. However, I did replicate that idea by living with someone in a long term situation. We got so involved that the breakup required attorneys on both sides. Needless to say, this did not endear that ideal to me.

BDSM is something that I was in and out of for years. My first experience with it was over a decade ago. Being uncertain what I wanted for myself, I stayed in it until I met the "one". Of course, as soon as the "one" turned out not to be that, I drifted back into this way of life. That transpired for a number of years until the blowup that I just mentioned. At that time, I made the commitment that this is how I live my life.

What I love about the BDSM lifestyle is the freedom that goes along with it. Anyone can choose how they want to live. There are so many facets, styles, and cultures within BDSM, that one literally could go in a hundred different directions. Are you interested in the leather scene? Do you like the idea of M/s? Would you want to live as 24/7 or do you prefer the occasional scene? How extreme do you wish to go? Is this something that you want to implement just during sex or would you like more? The avenues one can pursue are endless.

To me, BDSM is all about freedom. I am not bound by the viewpoints of society. Their cultural ideals in terms of relationships mean nothing to me. I found the arena which I am most happy. This is the lifestyle that suits me. It is a way of life which fulfills my highest value in life. Now, if I could only get the rest of my life to follow suit.

Erotic Humiliation-Face Slapping

There is something about slapping someone in the face that is considered one of the ultimate acts of degradation in our society. We see this activity in movies all the time, usually when a man approaches a woman inappropriately. This is typically followed by a drink being thrown in his face. Nevertheless, that is Hollywood and might not accurately reflect society in general.

However, there is something about being slapped in the face which we find demeaning. I do not profess to understand why this is, yet going on this assumption led to wonderful results in my BDSM interaction. It is an action which can be used to heighten the mood of a scene.

Before going any further, I must mention the all important safety tip. When we mention slap, we are referring to the act of striking someone with an open hand. This is not a close fisted punch. The idea is to provide a bit of a sting without hurting the other person. I write this because many seem to lack commonsense.

There are many subs who will have their experience heightened when you add face slapping to your routine. As mentioned, there is something that is wonderful humiliating about being slapped in the face. This is even more powerful when you do it to one who is bound. The idea of being totally defenseless while being slapped provides intense pleasure for many.

What is the pleasure in this? Everything involved within BDSM has to do with feelings. It is the feelings behind any activity which O/one is after. This is true whether one is a Dom or sub. Sexual activity is done because of the way it feels. Everything has to do with the feelings associated with an act.

Subs want to experience the feeling of being controlled. Erotic humiliation is something that further enhances this concept. When One has the capability to degrade another, it shows the hierarchy of power. Slapping someone in the face at His or Her will exemplifies the position of control. Try to implement this the next time you want to increase the intensity of your BDSM scene.

What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.

BDSM isnt for everyone

L: Hi. I was trying to do the candle wax dripping thing, and it's not
working.
B: Have you lit the candle?
L: I need to light it?
B: Yes, if you want it to drip wax.
L: How do I light it?
B: With matches.
L: Ok, thanks!

L: Hi, it's me again. I've got the candle lit, but whenever I try and
press the wax onto her, she screams in pain. At least I think it's
pain, I can't tell with the gag I put on her.

B: Ah, I think I see the problem. You need to drip the wax onto her,
by holding the lit candle well above her flesh. Don't push the flame
into her body, that doesn't work.
L: Gee thanks! How do you know all this stuff, did you go to college?
B: Uh, no, I just picked it up by playing around at home.
L: You must be really smart!

L: Hi, the candle's still not working. She's not screaming in pain any
more, but the wax isn't melting on her, it's just bouncing off.
B: Do you have the candle lit?
L: Yup, it's lit, and the wax dribbles off, but then when it hits her
it just bounces off.
B: Uh, how high are you holding the candle.
L: I'm standing on a chair, holding it way up while she's on the
floor. That way it won't burn her.
B: Um, that might be a bit too high. Try holding the candle about a
foot above her. Then the wax will still be liquid when it hits her. If
it's too hot, raise the candle higher. If it's not hot enough, lower
the candle.
L: Well why didn't you tell me the first time.
B: I assumed you were a little more familiar with candles, sir. My
apologies for the mistake.
L: Don't talk down to me, I'm an MCSE! [0]
B: Yes, sir. Just try that and let us know how it goes.

L: Guess who? Yup, me again. It worked really great, I dripped the wax
everywhere and she really enjoyed it, and thrashed around a lot in
pleasure.
B: Great! How can I help you then?
L: Well, after a while she passed out from the pleasure, and she
hasn't said anything yet.
B: Did you remove the gag?
L: No, do I need to?
B: Yes, sir.
L: Ok, I'll just do it now, but she's in another room.
B: You do that then call us back if there are any problems.
L: Ok.

L: It's me again. I had to scrape a lot of the wax off, but I was able
to remove the gag now. She's still not saying anything.
B: Ok, have you tried pouring cold water on her?
L: No, I'll do that now. How high should it be when I pour it.
B: Uh, it doesn't matter how high, just pour it.
L: Ok, hang on. I'll go do that now. *pause* Nope, it didn't help.
B: Um, is she still breathing?
L: How do I check?
B: Is her stomach rising and falling?
L: Let me just check. *pause* No it's not.
B: I see. Uh, how much wax did you dribble on her face?
L: Oh heaps! At least 3 candles worth. You could hardly make anything
out it was on so thick. She really enjoyed it though, she was
thrashing around so much when I did it. It's funny, but even though
I've removed all the wax, her face is still kind of blue.
B: Uh, yeah, that will pass. Um, she seems to have moved into another
stage of existance, and it's not something we support. You'll need
to call Life Support on 911.
L: What? Hey, it was your candles and BSDM[1] book! You have to
support it.
B: I'm afraid not sir, we do explicitly state that you are responsible
for the use of such equipment, and whilst we can provide tips and
advice, you are responsible for anything occuring from the use of the
product.
L: I want my money back then!
B: I'm sorry, but as you've used up the candles and used the book, we
can't do that.
L: You can't do that. I'm gonna call the police!
B: Ok, Sir. You do that, and tell them everything which happened. Tell
them that we have a recorded tape of all our conversations which they
can listen to if they need to confirm anything. Then if they agree you
deserve a refund we'll do that.
L: Fine. *slams down phone*

[0] Melted Candle Splurting Expert.
[1] Typo deliberate.

Thanksgiving

Here is the United States we are celebrating the annual Thanksgiving holiday. Like most holidays, this one lost some of its meaning over the years. Nevertheless, it is a helpful reminder to be thankful for all that we have. Times of late are trying to us all. Nevertheless, there is a lot that we have which we take for granted.

Most of us in the Western world do not know what it is like to truly suffer. Lately, we hear how horrible the housing market is with people being foreclosed upon, how stocks are getting destroyed, and how people are facing the loss of their jobs. While acknowledging how bad all these are, it is best to remember that many in the world would love to have these problems.

We need only look at the continent of Africa to realize how blessed all of us are. They are struggling with some of the basic necessities of life. Diseases like aids is running at an incredible rate, most countries suffer from famine, and tribal wars are commonplace. Everyday is truly a life or death situation.

As you go through the next 24 hours, remember all that you have. If you find that you are presently lacking some of the things that this society has to offer, then be grateful that you live in a place where there is an opportunity to create your life as you see fit. At this moment, you have more opportunities within 10 miles of your house than most of the people in Africa will ever dream of.

A spiritual adviser of mine would say "we live in the land of milk and honey". How true he was.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

Kinkilink.com-A site to check out

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