In my book, An Owned Life, I dedicate an entire chapter detailing some of the common causes of failure in a D/s or M/s relationship. This is something that few really think about when they are entering into this type of situation. Usually, they are so "gaga eyed" over the "One" that they miss some of the most basic things.
Many seem to think that a relationship in the lifestyle is somehow different than in any other walk of life. In the end, the fact that we are dealing with a relationship means that many of the same components required for success elsewhere are needed here. Basic interpersonal skills still apply. The fundamental difference is how the power is broken down. Other than that, our relationships mirror most others.
Without going into everything that is listed in the book (yes I have to leave some reason for you to buy it), I will spell out the most common reason for failure in our relationships. Many will seek something magical or far out. The truth is that when one considers all relationships, this holds true no matter what the lifestyle choice.
Of all the BDSM relationships I saw over the years, the main reason most of them failed in incompatibility among the people involved. It is that simple. The relationships ended because people were incompatible with each other. They had little in common other than one being dominant and the other submissive. That is like saying a marriage will work because one is male and the other female. The odds are slim in that situation.
Many are so excited to get into a relationship they overlook this simple point. New people are drawn by the allure of ropes, paddles, servitude, and submission/domination. Few take time to realize that the sexual, and even the scene, aspects of this lifestyle comprise only a small percentage. After all that ends, what else is there? This is where the compatibility comes into play.
Does he or she make you laugh? Do you enjoy similar activities? Is there an interest in business, the arts, sports, etc...? What are you going to do with the other person once the scene ended and life set in? These are all questions to ask during the "dating" part of the relationship. Too many try to figure this out after the submission took place. It is too late then. The time to uncover all of this is before you make the commitment to the other person.
This seems like common sense. Sadly, if what I witness is any indication, few take the time to look at this. They, instead, are so preoccupied with getting someone to submit to them (or accept their submission) that all else is overlooked. Remember this idea as you are talking with others. Ask yourself if the BDSM was removed, would there be something there? If not, it might be a sign of problems in the future.
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3 years ago
