Forced Time

I write quite often how time is an ally in the online world and that it is the one defense someone can throw up against the trollers and pretenders. People of this sort detest taking time to get to know someone. There outlook is to move quickly. Anyone who is new to the lifestyle can counterbalance this approach by slowing things down. Many will find that the pretenders lose interest quickly. Of course, those who are real understand this and are more apt to welcome this alternative.

Meeting Local People

As I travel around the 'Net, I read a ton of profiles in an effort to gain insight into what people are doing. One of the most common attributes of those who I would consider truly seeking is that a person be local before contacting him or her. This makes total sense since I am a proponent of the idea that BDSM is a face-to-face lifestyle. Even after all these years, I find the concept that a power exchange relationship can truly occur while separated distasteful. There is just too much evidence that supports the notion that people are going to lie and cheat. But, then again, that is an ageless battle which can be approached in another post.

The desire to interact with someone local is a wonderful idea and a good way to narrow down the 'field' in an effort to find what one is seeking. However, this can create a problem when one is dealing with someone who is desperate or in a position of weakness. A person in this situation tends to want to move forward, usually out of fear. This act tends to counteract the fundamentals which are required for success in a BDSM relationship.

Time is an ally when dealing with the trollers. It also is a required element that is needed to delve deep into a power exchange relationship. Those types of interactions are based upon trust, compatibility, knowledge, and genuine emotional investment. These qualities take time to develop. In other words, there is no way to shortcut this.

So, when we have someone local, the tendency is to meet for coffee or dinner and then hop into the sack. This occurs after a few emails, instant message conversations, webcam sessions, and, perhaps a phone call or two. While not opposed to open sexual lifestyle (hell I live that way myself), the problem is that this takes things to a different level without the proper foundation in place. Also, many mistake the fact that because one is good in bed, that he or she will make a good Master or slave. The transition from bedroom to other areas of life is a big jump; one most cannot make.

Long Distance Relationships

The alternative to finding someone local is to get involved in a long distance relationship. This is something that is distasteful to many but an idea I embraced over the years. For those who are genuinely seeking, it is a viable option as long as one understands the terminology and is clear in the concepts I am going to cover.

Long distance and online relationships are two different things. There are many who seek online only as a preferred way of living their BDSM life. To me, this opens up the opportunity for the dishonesty and lack of trust that was mentioned before. Usually people in this fold tend to be married or involved with someone in a vanilla setting which means they are looking for some online role playing. This is a viable option for those who are into this genre but it is not a suitable replacement for real live interaction. The problem arises in the fact that one party is typically seeking more but settles for some temporary online games.

Online only will never develop into real time. It is also a means which the traditional modes of communication are ignored (for the most part). When dealing with someone online, getting to truly know that person is not of interest. Since the relationship is never going to develop, the idea of establishing grounds of compatibility, trust, and emotional interest is not necessary. The only thing that matters is the present moment and the interaction now. Nothing more is going to develop.

Long distance is a totally different concept. To start, the idea is to move forward into something more. In this situation, each party is aware of the desire for something greater but understands the present geographical and logistical situation. This is something that is desired to be overcome in time but the participants deal with the reality of the relationship as it is in the present moment.

Unlike the online only deal, people involved long distance are interested in getting to know the other person. Moving things to a deeper level is wanted by both parties. For this reason, the traditional modes of communication are utilized. Things such as phone calls, the postal system (i.e. letters), and in person visits are applied. One seeks to know the entire person and what he/she likes. A true relationship is sought.

Forced Time

Long distance relationships offer a couple of advantages over local ones. One of the biggest things is that, being open to the approach, creates more opportunities to meet someone who fits your needs. It always amazes me how few people in the local area (mine at least) are true 'lifestyle' people. Just like online, there tends to be a lot of the same antics at the munches. While this might suit their needs, it does not meet mine. Therefore, I had to be open to expanding my search.

As many of you are aware, my present slave came to me from the UK (United Kingdom, not University of Kentucky). There was 5,000 miles and an entire ocean between us. Fortunately, it was a situation where the logistics could be resolved in time. However, it took almost two years to get to that point. This is where the forced time was our biggest ally.

My slave visited me almost two years after we started interacting online. We used whatever methods were available to us over that time. While having never met in person, we talked on the phone (internet), sent packages back and forth, and really got to know each other. Thus, when we met in person, we knew a great deal about the other person, what was desired, and how we matched up. It was impossible to omit that stage of our relationship development since the distance necessitated that we approach things in this manner.

Personally, I believe many who I encounter online would be better served if they went in this direction. No matter how much I write and warn people about it, people still want to move ahead with their relationships at warp speed. This is where they end up getting hurt. I am never surprised when these situations do not work out. Of course, I speak from experience here since I have moved to quickly in the past also. Remember, this is something that none of us, no matter how experienced, can shortcut. Relationships take time to develop.

Therefore, I suggest that you re-evaluate your mindset of only dealing with someone local. There are many advantages to establishing a long distance BDSM relationship which ultimately moves into real time. While it is not an easy path to follow and the desire to hop on a plane and go meet the other person is always present, the benefits can outweigh that. Forced time is often the only way those who lack discipline will take the proper approach. In a long distance relationship, one has no choice but to use the time constructively. Sex, whips, and chains will come later. The basic foundation will be laid long before those aspects are experienced. In my mind, they will only serve to reaffirm what is already in place as opposed to being the primary basis. This increases the chance of success greatly.

Time is truly our ally.

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In Between: Online and Real Time

The difference between online and real time is an age old discussion among the BDSM community since the invention of the Internet. Ever since the words 'virtual reality' were utters a couple decades back, people are trying to make the online experience ever more 'reality reflective'. Sadly, this is an impossible task thus the term virtual. Online can replicate reality but it cannot replace it.

Real Time

Life is lived in real time. It is that simple. People's experiences reside in the here and now. No matter how much people try to implement online as a substitute for reality, the fact stands that we are 'face-to-face' people. This is something that is naturally within us.

Humans beings are designed to utilize the five senses. For those who were absent that day, these senses are sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Our daily lives are filled with instances where these senses are put to use. And, the stronger the stimulant of the sense, the more memorable it is. A thought that sticks with me whenever I think of smell is the rancid smell of orange rinds when I go to my daughters. There is a Tropicana plant that casts an aroma for 500 yards. It is memorable to say the least.

The problem with online is that we are unable to have many of these senses provoked. In fact, taste, smell, and touch are not present in online communications. The two senses utilized are hearing and sight with the former being missing in many interactions. Therefore, no matter how much the pro-online people claim that their relationships properly reflect reality, the biological makeup of an individual proves otherwise.

The Role of Online

That does not mean that online fails to have its' place. As I wrote on countless occasions, the Internet is a wonderful tool for garnering information and interacting with people from around the world. It is a simple truth that we now have access to people we otherwise never could have found before. Today, with the click of a mouse, you can 'converse' with a total stranger on the other side of the world. This opened the BDSM community to a much larger arena. I feel this is one of the benefits of the Internet on this lifestyle.

Of course, we all know this came with a cost. The anonymity of this mechanism allows people to present themselves in a fraudulent manner. We see all kinds of scams, cons, and games played. Individuals find themselves having their lives wrecked because of the actions of these unethical morons. The sad truth is their desperation and gullibility led them to make decisions which were harmful. Warnings of what exists online are aboud yet people still fail to pay heed. Nevertheless, online interaction does have a role in the BDSM community.

In Between

Many seem to feel there are only the two extremes of either online or real time. This is something that divides the community when, in fact, many do not consider the process. When people look at things under this light, they realize that it is not an all or none. Also, one can see how one needs to move from online very quickly.

The truth is that meeting someone online creates basic logistical problems. While it is possible to meet another who is local, we find that many are from distant lands. It is common for someone to be on the other side of the country or, even, the world. How does one deal with this?

Again, I simply point to the process. The goal is to get from online to real time as quickly as possible. Logistically speaking, this might take some time. So, what other option is there? My answer is something that the traditional world, especially military personnel knew about for generations. It is called the 'long distant relationship'.

Since few can up and move in 3.2 minutes, it is best to move from an online relationship to a long distance. This means implementing traditional communications methods immediately. The Internet is one medium to use. There is also the basic telephone, letters (hand written), and in person visits. When one applies these methods to a relationship, I do not feel he or she is involved online. This situation is no consider long distance.

Compatibility

The problem with moving instantly from online to real time is that one truly does not know if he or she is compatible with the other person. Naturally, we can say this about all relationships but this is magnified when one is only dealing online. Since the 5 senses are not used, one cannot fully 'experience the other person. This only can be done in person. For example, some people have horrific body odor. You will not get a whiff (pun intended) of this online. Meet the individual face-to-face and you will instantly. It might be a deal breaker.

Relationships take time to develop. My experience is that it is foolhardy and senseless to go from online to real time too quickly especially if relocation is involved. Therefore, utilize the idea of a long distant relationship as a intermediate step. Apply the traditional forms of communication. Meet the person a time or two to see how he or she resides with your other senses. If you do this, you will find that your relationship is on stronger footing if you do decide to move forward.

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Public BDSM

This is one of those posts that is going to upset many. But, in keeping with my m.o. in this area, I am going to write it anyway. There is a lot that needs clarification for those who are newer to this lifestyle. In the end, they are the ones who really matter. Those who waltzed around this life whether online or in real time have their own ideas.

The Public BDSM Life

What do I mean by the "public BDSM life"? I use this term to refer to any of the scene or cyber BDSM that is so easy to come across. People are willing to "expose" themselves in these arenas. While there is a certain value to it, much of this behavior is based around fantasy.

Have you ever wondered why so many come to this life with the mindset that their submission (or domination) only pertains to sex? The answer to this is because this is how this life is promoted. The public BDSM community is one based around sex. When one cyber-dominates, it usually involves a cam and sexual pleasure. Many are told to get naked and play with yourself; few are ordered to go clean the toilet. The cyber atmosphere is all sex.

The same is true for the BDSM scene. Go to any club and you will find people in bondage being flogged or whipped. There is a sexual orientation to that activity even if actual sex is not part of the scene. Again, this is what is promoted. It is not a forum where one is told to get the shopping done after she takes care of the yard. This is another public venue where sexual energy rules the day.

True Lifestyle People

I use the term "lifestyle people" solely to draw a distinction. The truth is this is not a lifestyle but, rather, our life. We are people who choose to live a certain way. Nevertheless, we are engaged in life the same as everyone else. That is why we have all the same challenges are the rest of the modern world. This is where reality and fantasy split.

Many of us who experience real time, in-person domination understand what it feels like to be on the respective ends of the power exchange. This is experience that can be really beneficial to a newer person. However, few are willing to engage in the sharing of this knowledge because of the misconceptions offered by the public BDSM people.

We all have encountered the one who has no real time experience yet is convinced that he or she knows all the answers. Many arguments have arisen over the online versus real time concepts. Without delving too deep into that discussion (since that is not the point of this post), I will state that there is no replacement for real time experience. We all know that the fantasy element cease to exist when two people live under the same roof. Surviving the daily grind of life while maintaining a relationship is the real deal. BDSM based or not, relationships are trying no matter how well people interact.

As one who has gone 12 rounds with the meatheads in the online chatroooms, I can attest to how the desire to put forth the truth can leave. Many of the people who have real time domination or submission experience are reluctant to enter these arenas for this simple reason. There are so many who exist only in the fantasy and ego-driven based online community. Those who have the real time experience to assist one in navigating through the true minefields of a D/s relationship are too busy running the other way. Simply, they have no desire to interact with the online mindset.

The Truth

In A Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson's character shouted "You can't handle the truth". While he wasnt referring to many of those who are engaged in online BDSM, the statement is just as applicable. The truth is that BDSM, while a wonderful way to live, is not the glamorous, sex-filled life that the public persona leads one to believe. Basically, 24/7 does not mean round the clock sex. Yet, this is something that many do not want to hear.

The truth is that we live in a relationship just like everyone else. Many of the same interpersonal skills that are required for success in all areas of life are needed here. It is amazing to see people who were total failures in every type of relationship entering this life believing that suddenly things will be different. The bottom line is that if you are socially inept, you chance of success here is as limited as in the traditional world. This is the first thing that people do not want to hear.

Another sad fact is that real time is no where near as exciting as online. The fantasy world is limitless in its potential. We can create whatever reality we desire. Life can be perfect with Master being the most wonderful man in the world. A slave is ever obedient online never even considering letting her Master down. Of course, reality is another story.

Real time offers a much different set of orders. Instead of being told to strip naked and play with yourself, one is ordered to make my dinner and clean the kitchen. Over time, a slave progresses not to where she learns more ways to sexually satisfy her Master but, rather, to have dinner ready before he asks. She anticipates his needs and is there to fulfill them. Much of her day is spent cooking, cleaning, running errands, and working. This is not exactly the life of glamor and excitement. Nevertheless, the online community wants to hear nothing of this sort.

Head In The Sand

In the end, many want to stick their head in the sand. They do not want to hear the truth. I had this discussion with one who I know with many years experience in this life. She flatly stated that offering her viewpoints online was a waste of time since newer people did not care to hear the truth. Instead, they were more interest in seeking the fantasy as opposed to learning from one who lived for years in real time relationships. Sadly, there is a nugget of truth in what she says. Most would prefer to believe the sexiness of this life.

This brings me back to the original point. The experience lives this in private. There are few who share the truth since there are so many who prefer to promote the fantasy. Perhaps the masses will want to pull their heads out of the sand at some point. But, until that time comes, I fear the message that will be delivered will be more of the same. Fantasy, while not as rewarding, is a lot sexier than reality.

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