Submissive Without Esteem?

A healthy self esteem is an attribute that is crucial for success in life. One only need to go to the self help section of any bookstore, read the titles, and you will realize how much emphasis is placed upon this single quality. From our esteem stems most of the actions we are capable of taking. Without going into the dynamics, it is our foundational core. Therefore, it is something that everyone, bdsm or not, should look at.

Fear And Its Ramifications

Fear is something that those who lack a healthy self esteem suffer from. People who allow fear to be their dictator end up being ones who view themselves poorly. Of course, this most likely is a subconscious thing since most people will claim to like themselves. But do they when you really think about it? Watching their behavior, I conclude they do not.

When we discuss fear, it is crucial to remember that it can manifest itself in many different ways. Most equate fear with being scared. While the "horror flick experience" is one form of fear, there are hundreds of others. Characteristics such as guilt, worry, anger, resentment, and arrogance all have their basis in fear. Ironically, one tends to exhibit fear in one or two ways repeatedly. Therefore, it is imperative to identify the manifestation and tend to the underlying problem.

Control

The problem with fear is that, when experienced, it puts us instantly into a state where we are out of control. When our mind is racing with all the possible outcomes in a particular situation, and none of them are good, a person is apt to feel a sense of complete loss. Those who are driven by fear do not feel like they are in control of anything. And, they are correct because they are not even handling their own emotions.

In the BDSM world, control is something that we spend a lot of time discussing. This is only rational since the basis of all BDSM relationships is some type of power exchange. In other words, control is not divided up on an equal basis but, rather, in a slanted manner with one assuming most, if not all, of the control. This is a voluntary exercise on the part of both parties meaning that consent is present. However, is one really capable of giving up control without a healthy self esteem?

Topping From The Bottom

The ability to submit completely to another is something that requires a very healthy self esteem. Contrary to the ignorant opinions of many, being submissive does not equate to weakness. In fact, only those with a good self worth have the inner fortitude to hand power over to another without fear. Naturally, we are going under the presumption that the proper time was spent getting to know the other person and sizing up whether he or she is worthy of submission.

I see so many who find the BDSM lifestyle believing that it is the answer to all of his/her problems. While I acknowledge that this way of life is fabulous for those who are designed for it, the truth is that life is not without issues. And, for those who enter it after being miserable failures in all other areas of life, the result is the same: more failure. My belief is many of these people lack the basic self worth to succeed in a BDSM relationship, or any other for that matter.

A person with low self esteem is driven by fear. As I mentioned, one of the things a person in this situation feels the need to do is to regain some control. This is because fear strips control away instantly. Therefore, a person will assert him or herself wherever possible to stem the lack of control.

Hopefully, you can see the conflict that one of this sort has when trying to submit to another. Ultimately, when one does get into a BDSM relationship, he or she starts to top from the bottom. This is a phrase which means trying to instill control when taking on a presumed submissive position. Rarely is one forthright in the approach since the power structure is clearly defined. However, tactics such as being passive/aggressive or whining are often employed to try to get one's way. The esteem is so lacking that one cannot submit to another without reservation.

This fact is clearly visible when our submissive is dealing with people other than his/her dominant. As you can guess, our low self worth individual has the overwhelming need to control. Hence, all interaction with someone which normally would be on an equal basis becomes another power exchange. The only difference is the submissive is assuming a dominant role. Control is what he or she craves. It is the only way to suppress the fear. Of course, in this instance, the control is an illusion which means further loss of control.

In closing, only a person with a healthy self esteem is capable of succeeding in relationships. Confidence is a quality that allows one the ability to allow others to operate how they see fit as long as it is not affecting him or her. A submissive needs to be confident in him or herself before getting involved with another. Therefore, a person who lacks a healthy self esteem is not submissive. Instead, he or she is just plain scared.

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A New Beginning

Today is January 1st. This is a day, in the U.S., that is traditional for college football (although they moved the games to Monday this year). It is also a time where the "slate is wiped clean" and we all get a new beginning. The year ended is past with new dreams and ideas to look forward to.

Change

Change is not something that most people embrace. However, it is the one true constant in life. The truth is that nothing remains the same. Life, in its essence, is a continual flow. It is mandated by the laws of nature which operate in a cyclical mode. New seasons push the old out. Winter is replaced by Spring which is cast aside by Summer. Each "death" is replaced with a new life.

Another fact about change is that one can either actively pursue it (i.e. plan for it) or get run over by it. Few people ever take time to consider this reality but it is something that is worthwhile to mention. There is a town by me that opted to adopt the later strategy when dealing with the change called population growth. It is something that has completely taken that town by "surprise" resulting in a chaotic mess. Poor planning led to absolute turmoil. The same idea holds true in each of our lives.

BDSM Is Not A Removal From Life

As I repeatedly write, BDSM is not a lifestyle choice that allows one to remove him or herself from the realities of life. Too many approach it in a manner of escape as opposed to moving forward. This disconnect results in much frustration when the truth emerges. We, whether in a traditional or BDSM relationship, have to interact with the same life issues as everyone else. Death, sickness, heartache, financial concerns, and career situations are just a few of the circumstances we encounter. Entering this lifestyle does not remove responsibility from your plate.

For this reason, the lessons that are taught for "life management" equally apply in the BDSM world. If you want to have a sensational year, it is best to plan for it. It is easy to allow the daily grind to interrupt our progress forward. Now is a good time to remember what is important to you and keep it at the forefront of your mind in terms of priorities. Taking people or things for granted is part of the human condition. Sadly, this often harms those that are closest to us.

Each of us elected to pursue this lifestyle for our own reasons. Getting reacquainted with those is important. BDSM is the most honest and truthful way to live for those who are cut out for it. Whenever a person is being true to him or herself, the result is a fulfilled life.

Remember The Cycles

Life is nothing more than a big circles. We are born and then we die. At first we aren't here, then we are, and then we are not. As mentioned, the seasons come and go. However, the basic characteristics of those do not change. And, we are fortunate to see them come around again.

At the basic level, there is nothing new in life. In terms of human behavior, it all was done. For those who have a few years behind them, I am certain you can see this in your life. We, as humans, tend to repeat the same behavior. If it is a helpful action, hopefully we keep doing it. However, we often find ourselves in the situation where we keep making the same mistakes over again. This is not a healthy practice to continue. Learning from our past is one of the most beneficial abilities on can adopt. The cyclical nature of life ensures this. Alter how you do things if you want them to get better.

We do not know what the future holds. But if we are observant and proactive in our planning, we will find that we do have influence over the quality of the experience we have on this planet. I hope everyone approaches 2012 with this in mind and that you all have the best year thus far. The world is our oyster so it is time to play.

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The Multiple Game

We all know there are many games that are played online. Hell, even in real life people are apt to do things that will make your head spin. Having a strong ethical base seems lax in this era and those who are genuine tend to suffer because of it. Of course, the online world has made it ripe for those individuals with less than ethical intentions to excel. So, how are we to navigate through it all.

Understanding What Is Happening

The best way to succeed in this realm is to understand what is taking place. Few are able to create something that is so novel that nobody has seen it before. The trollers all tend to do the same thing regardless of the time and place. Those of us who are online for the last 5 or 10 years witnessed the same tricks being played repeatedly.

Ultimately, it is best to have reservations about anyone you are dealing with online. Until some form of traditional communication is implemented, I would suggest being leery of whatever is told to you. The bottom line is that no matter how much you investigate someone, there is really no way to know if what they are telling you is the truth until you are in front of them (face-to-face). Sure, there are some who are open online, but I would say that is the minority. The majority tend to have ulterior motives.

Multiple Game

A common situation I witness is where a person tends to play the numbers game. Also known as the multiple game, a person of this ilk tends to interact with a large number of people in his/her quest to find what is desired.

Before going any further, I will caveat to make the point there is nothing wrong with "casting a wide net" when prospecting for a Master or slave. The traditional world also sees this technique used when dating. As teenagers, we are taught to go out with different people and not to fall for the first one who comes along. At this stage in life, it is healthy to be carefree and open. Of course, when we find someone we believe suits our needs, then we get a bit more serious.

The same is true in the BDSM world. Anyone who has success his/her first foray is extremely lucky. This is a rarity and everyone should resist the temptation to believe it is the norm. If you are interacting with your first Master or slave and believe this is "the one", remember that it is likely to fall apart in the near future. This is simply how the statistics work out.

One who is playing the multiple game goes above and beyond the traditional "seeing what is out there". This person tends to be dishonest in the sense that he or she continues to interact with many in a way that gives the belief that something more will develop. It is not uncommon to learn of a person who has 5 or 6 Masters. Obviously, most, if not all of them, believed they were the only one she had. At the same time, it is also noticeable to see one progressing deeper with a few different people long past the point where he or she should have made a choice. Ultimately, someone gets hurt in this scenario.

Openness

What is the solution to the above mentioned problems? Simple. It is openness. The BDSM is one of enormous flexibility. If you look around, you will see every imaginable scenario being lived by people. There is nothing new that anyone can uncover. We have people who are poly, sexually open, monogamous, threesomes, foursomes, communal living, fetish based, sex buddies, etc... Whatever you desire, it is out there for you.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that everyone you will encounter is after the same thing. This means that one will have to choose at some point. Many interactions soon fade because people do not share like interests. Having similar BDSM likes gets old if there is nothing else. For example, if one loves the tropics but has a Master in Northern Canada, that might create an issue at some point. Often the obvious is overlooked.

Those who play the multiple Master or slave game are not trying to narrow things down to find what he or she desires. Instead, this person is stringing one (or more) person along. It is impossible to serve two Masters. In many instances, unless one is openly setting up a poly household, it is not feasible to have multiple slaves. This two scenarios magnify if one tries to transition anything into real time. Ultimately, the truth comes out and that is where pain is incurred.

Anyone who is open about themselves will not have an issue in this arena. It is perfectly acceptable to chat/talk with a few different people. Nevertheless, when one progresses to the point of mentioning relocating, of putting forth a greater commitment, or somehow taking the relationship to a deeper level, I believe it is only prudent to be open about what is going on. Anyone who is still playing the multiple game at this point is showing him or herself to be nothing more than a troller. The inherent dishonesty associated with this action leaves one to completely without trust. This is not what a genuine person does.

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Being Adult

Why do I title this post in such a way? My reasoning is simple: because too many people, in my observation, enter the BDSM world in a manner that is only befitting of a child. Their behavior, both online and in person, is abysmal. For this reason I figured I would deliver the message that it is time to grow up.

Miserable Failures

I see so many who come upon this way of life after being complete failures in their traditional lives. This stands to reason since most all of us are here because the vanilla world simply did not suit us. However, there is a percentage of our population who take this even further. In addition to being ill-equipped to deal with parity-based relationships, they show a complete inability to deal with life in general. And this is where the problems arise.

BDSM is not an avenue of escape. Too many determine this lifestyle offers the chance to rid oneself of responsibility. After having so many relationships (platonic in addition to sexual), our new dominants and subs conclude that BDSM is a way to shun all the problems. Of course, anyone who has any sense of practicality knows this is not the case.

Failure quickly ensures for people who take this approach. I see many "slaves", as an example, who proclaim on websites that they are looking for a Master "to take care of them". Certainly, any true Master knows this is par for the course. However, the slaves in question believe that being taken care of equates to a complete lack of responsibility. Any slave who feels he or she does not have to behave in a responsible manner or that feels everything will be removed from him/her are of no use to anyone. A good slave has many responsibilities that are assigned to her. Therefore, to conclude that the life of a slave is without onus are setting themselves for a harsh reality check.

Pragmatic Versus Fantasy

Part of being adult is being pragmatic about things. Certainly, it is a healthy exercise to dream, set goals, plan for the future, and, yes, even fantasize. However, these have to be balanced with a pragmatic outlook. Life is not lived solely in compliance with emotions nor does logic total rule. There needs to be a blending of the two to succeed.

We see those who arrive at sites online with the fairy tale outlook upon life. To start, they are thrilled to have found something that strikes a deep cord within them. I can appreciate this. I equate this initial realization to the feeling of finally coming home. My personal story attests to this. Nevertheless, the nirvana does not end there. Suddenly this individual "meets" someone online and, thus, begins the whirlwind love affair. Our new person goes from being excited to completely illogical in a matter of a few days. This is where we see the posts proclaiming love for the Master or slave forever.

In most cases this is purely fantasy and we usually see things peter out in a matter of a few weeks. In most instances, the truth does eventually emerge; the other individual was not exactly the person he or she proclaimed to be. This is commonplace. Anyone who looks at things pragmatically understands this and exercises a degree of caution. Only a child runs out into traffic without looking. Adults knows that a certain amount of investigation and relationship building is necessary before proclamations can be made. Over time, wonderful relationships can emerge that start online, but they take time and effort to develop. They also require the use of traditional modes of communication such as the telephone and in person visits. Without these, one is "falling in love" with words on a screen. Who knows if they are even real.

18 and Over

The final piece that I want to touch upon is the fact that we deal in a lifestyle that is adult in nature. Many people seem to miss this point. Instead, they behave in a manner that is befitting the bingo parlor. The fact is we are adults and discuss issues that are not meant for immature ears.

I am always amazed at how easily people are offended. The BDSM world, especially online, can have a bit of the wild west feel to it. In other words, almost anything goes. There are many different outlooks upon life and the lifestyle, thus increasing the chance you will encounter those who do not agree with your views. In addition, many people focus their attention upon sexual issues, oftentimes in great detail. If words such as cock, cunt, pussy, and ass offend you, perhaps heading back to match.com is a good move for you. Many sites require that you click that you are at least 18 years of age since the topics are adult oriented.

Another aspect to the Puritan outlook we often see pertains to sex itself. I am equally astonished how uptight some people are even when claiming to be in this lifestyle. There are many different aspects to BDSM and there will be some things that arent for you. However, just because it is not your flavor, that does not mean it is disgusting or perverted. That is the mentality that many of us are trying to get away from. Judgments, while always present, are to be kept to a minimum. There are people you will encounter who are into things you can only imagine. Every walk of life is represented in BDSM and some people live in completely outrageous manners. That is their business. If you dont want to have sex with a roomful of people, that is your choice. Nevertheless, be adult when dealing with someone who does (or did) and leave your ideals at the door. It is their life just as you have yours.

In closing, try to approach how we live in befitting of an adult. This is not Romper Room even those many of us does have a room full of toys.

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20 Things I Realized In The Last 30 Days

These are realizations or reaffirmations that I made in the last 30 days....

1. If one pain slut is good...two are better.
2. There is no other place in the country that I want to live other than Florida.
3. Electrical play is really exciting
4. My shower isnt made for three people but we managed to make it work.
5. I feel a lot better when I dedicate myself to my workouts and put forth top effort.
6. I really will not miss the NBA season
7. The Mets sucked this year.
8. I really dislike the Yankees
9. Saving a dollar is equal to a $1.40 return when investing
10. The 'Peter Principle" is continually being proven
11. It is easier to accept people for what they are than try to change them
12. A telephone cord leaves the best marks on a submissive
13. Plans become more realistic when a deadline is placed upon them.
14. We only get one life...so use it how you see fit.
15. Worrying about what other people think and trying to please them is like getting financial advice from a broke man.
16. People most often go bankrupt $20 at a time
17. Closed mindedness leads to mental bondage
18. Society is a big fat liar
19. The most important value is freedom...sadly few realize this until they lose it
20. BDSM will penetrate every area of your thinking and, thus, your life if you truly embrace it.

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Infinite Possibilities

I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

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A Place For Real People

I am writing this as a way to notify everyone of an option to the traditional BDSM sites that exist. If you arent already aware, over the past year we have developed a BDSM community to rival some of the other sites that presently exist. However, we did seek out on difference: to establish a place where people who are truly interested in this way of life can share their real time experiences.

Fake Prevention

One of the biggest problems with the popular 'bdsm communities' is that they are infested with people who are trolling around looking to make an easy score. While their motivations are many, most of them are playing online games looking to meet their short-term needs. They are not really interested in delving deeper into this way of life.

At the An Owned Life BDSM community, we seek to prevent the fakes from ruling the roost. This site is not designed for quick searching of members of the opposite sex. Interactions requires time and effort, something that the fakes detest. Also, it is a community which fosters the sharing of knowledge between members. Those looking to just 'hit on a bunch of people' tend not to stay around.

Social Features

We have a variety of features common to social sites. To start, there is a twitter-like feature where one can post short blurbs about ideas floating through one's head. This is also a terrific play to have back and forth real time conversations.

In addition, we have a forum, chat bar (like Facebook), a chatroom, and blogs. One is also able to post things on another's profile page much in the same way as Facebook. Friends can be added to make for easier interaction with like-minded people.

Every month we are adding new features to make the site more enjoyable for everyone who visits. Come join us and share you experience and desires.

Visit http://anownedlife.socialparody.com if you havent already done so.

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