The Unfolding

For years, I have stated that BDSM is nothing more than a journey within uncovering what is deep within us naturally.  The people who are part of the "lifestyle" are those who spent the time looking at themselves and what it is they desire.  Certainly, there are some who found this way of life by accident (perhaps running across a website or book).  However, if these maintained BDSM as an active part of their lives, they journeyed deep to learn exactly what was desired.

Natural Tendencies

We are all granted natural tendencies.  This is something that we cannot deny.  For whatever reason, some are more prone to be dominant while others, submissive.  The fact that these characteristics reside within most individuals beyond dispute.  What is in question is what someone does with these tendencies.

Society has a way of conditioning people to what it believes is "normal".  Sadly, we find these natural tendencies are stamped out of most of western cultures.  It is ironic that what is present within us is deemed abnormal, thus requiring removal.

It is very obvious that domination, especially by men over women, is hated by society.  The last 40 years has seen the movement towards equality.  Now, I am not going to debate the merits of the Equal Rights Movement.  The point I am making is that it is frowned upon for men to "act like men".  At the same time, this same mindset has created a situation for submissive women who desire a man to control them.  This is viewed as weak.  The mantra is that "you do not need a man".  Again, I am not writing this to open up debate as much point out the fact that the genders lost their natural inclinations for interaction.

Therefore, men became metrosexualized while women fiercely independent suppressing the desire to serve (I realize that reverse gender also occurs but I write from the male dom/female sub perspective).  This overall situation creates a problem for both parties.

Women often find themselves in relationships with men desiring more.  What do they want?  They crave domination.  That is what resides at their core.  Sadly, they are dealing with men who are either not interested in that or incapable of it.  The later, as I will note, is a consequence of society.  This leaves our women in a position of trying to uphold the standard of equality and worthiness (society's definition, not theirs), something deep down that is not desired.

Now, turning to the men.  Their ability to dominate in many instances was squashed.  Again, societal conditioning is a powerful mechanism.  Men are suppose to be gentlemen at all times is the overriding message.  Television often portrays the male figure as weak and indecisive.  He is the butt of jokes (i.e. the character of Al Bundy).  Each of these situations impacts the overall view of society. 

Obviously, I am not going to proclaim that men have a right to act like total a**holes, especially towards women.  There is no reason why a man should not be a gentleman.  This is not a sign of weakness or lack of domination.  However, there are times when he needs to take charge and lead.  A submissive woman will follow; in fact it is what she craves.  Society might say that a dominant man is "pig", but the truth is that this endangered species is sorely needed. 

BDSM reintroduces these animals back into our lives.  People of dominant makeup are allowed to be that way while those who are submissive are supported and held in esteem.  BDSM is one of the last frontiers where civility and natural tendencies are allowed to co-exist.

Stepping Beyond

This brings us to our next topic which is the fact that natural tendencies are only the starting point.  Part of each of our journeys is to learn about ourselves and the how we are to interact with people.  As I wrote repeatedly, the Internet opened the door for many to enter into BDSM.  The problem with this is that many have ill motives or simply do not want to exert the effort to learn what is means to live this way of life.

Being natural dominant or submissive is not enough.  Using the dominant side of things as an example, I will say that natural dominance without knowledge only leads to domineering.  We see this with the many "alpha males".  They have dominant tendencies but have no clue how to truly dominate someone.  In short, they are nothing more than bullies which is a fear based motive.  A true dominant does not come from a place of fear.  He is not weak in that regard.  His domination is a result of a natural tendency coupled with years of study and experience.  It is this difference which separated him from the masses and attracts the interest of truly submissive people.

Obviously, none of this happens overnight.  Both domination and submission is a process.  Those who live this way of life started at the same point as everyone else: with a natural tendency and no idea how to act upon that.  However, over time, the path unfolds in a clear way.  Reading and reflection really help to open the doors to what is contained within us.  Using people such as myself, through my writings, can help to "mentor" someone along the way as we share our experiences (both good and bad).  Being an active learner also means that mistakes are used to their fullest advantage.  Like is said, the price is already paid, you might as well learn the lesson.  Our own experience, over time, helps to navigate the path we are taken. 

Entering BDSM is just a beginning.  If one is committed to making this a lifelong study, you will soon realize that there is so much which awaits you.  Life can truly achieve a state which exceeds your wildest dreams.  There are no words to describe the feeling that comes from living in accordance to what is truly within your core.  It is beyond description.  Anyone who experienced this knows exactly what I am referring to.  The connection one has, not so much with another, but with oneself and his or her nature is powerful.  And it is from this point that one can create a deep connection with another.  Nevertheless, this only occurs after one truly understands what is at that core.  It is worthwhile to remember that society is trying to prevent one from realizing what is there.  Part of our task as members of the BDSM community is to ignore what society considers normal and go with what our core tells us.  We are much better served.

So, in closing, forget what society says.  Embark upon your BDSM journey and watch what unfolds.  You will truly be amazed.

DN 

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Reliability

 As part of the ongoing idea that people in the BDSM world should hold themselves to a higher standard than the general population, I would like to cover a topic that most seem to ignore.  Reliability and dependability are important factors in any type of relationship.  Sadly, it seems we reside in a world where this is not something people feel noteworthy.  Instead we find that a person's word means nothing.

Trust

Many seem to have trust issues and who can blame them?  Trust is something that is earned yet few seem wiling to go to that end.  Rather, the majority of the population seem to think it is something that should arbitrarily be given without any cause for merit.  At the same time, we see these same people unwilling to return the favor opting for the skeptical approach.  While this is understandable to a degree, it is a factor which can create havoc within interpersonal relations.

Trust is developed through consistency.  And one is consistent when he or she operates in reliable ways.  A person can take comfort in knowing what another person will do the majority of the time.  This is true whether we are referring to a M/s relationship or a friendship.  Interpersonal relations require this degree of trust for depth to occur.

Using a simple friendship as an example, who wants to interact with someone who is always breaking plans.  Here we have an individual who is exemplifying the desire to be unreliable.  All plans are taken with a grain of salt because they are always subject to change.  While some might maintain the person is consistent in his/her actions, it is not a positive means to improve a relationship.

The same is true for the intimate relationships within the BDSM community.  If one is an unreliable Master, as an example, then a slave will have a difficult time knowing what the protocol is to follow.  Inconsistency from a dominant is one path to death of a relationship.  Submissives depend upon certainty for their success and if one cannot provide that, disintegration of the relationship is the only option.  One cannot trust another who is unreliable.  It is that simple.

Word Your Bond

There was a time when business deals were completed with nothing more than a handshake.  No paperwork or lawyers were required.  If a man said he was going to buy something for a particular price, it was set in stone.  His word was his bond.  There was no thought of betraying that.  This was a time when people held themselves to a higher personal standard.

What do we see today?  The exact opposite.  Obviously, we live in a world of contracts and people who have the task of either upholding or breaking those same documents.  Leaving the business world aside, we also see a tendency for people to act in ways that are in line with this mindset.  And the BDSM world is full of people of this nature.

To start, the online world is the wild west for trollers and scammers.  We know that people will create all kinds of personas only to be revealed as something completely different.  Men pretending to be women, married claiming to be single, and dominants who only found BDSM 3 days ago is the norm.  However, the online world is not the only place this exists.

How many of you found the same to be true in real time?  It is not uncommon for people to disappear even after real time interaction occurred.  On a lesser scale but equally as disappointing is the person who agrees to plans only to notify one later of something different.  Either way, the person is showing him or herself to lack the reliability that was previously mentioned.

Commitment is a word that has lost a great deal of meaning today.  People commit to something as long as it is convenient.  The second if becomes too difficult, they exit.  We see this overall with people's approach to the lifestyle.  Their commitment level is high until they see all the games (especially online) that are played and begin to realize how difficult it is to find a dominant or submissive.  Then, the questioning about whether he or she wants part of the BDSM lifestyle begins.  This is one of the reasons why so many enter BDSM and leave just as quickly.  While they might lack character themselves, there is also a high probability that the ones they were dealing with did also. 

Therefore, in closing, look at yourself and your behavior.  Are you a dependable person?  Can you consider yourself someone who adds to the lives of others (or another) in the way you behave?  Do you keep your word as your bond?  Or are you one who is willing to change your plans if a better offer comes along?  The BDSM journey is one that starts within.  Too many skip this process believing that something outside of themselves will create fulfillment.  It will not.  To successfully navigate the BDSM path, one must first determine the character he or she will subscribe to.  Then, and only then, can another person be added to enhance one's experience.  I suppose this is true in all of life.  However, those of us in BDSM should seek to lift ourselves to the highest level possible.

DN

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The Freedom Of BDSM

 I always found it ironic that a lifestyle that contains bondage is a pathway to many for freedom in life.  However, those of us who live this way of life realized that is exactly what happened.  Entering the BDSM lifestyle is what freed us to be the people that we are.  This is an important concept that most are not able to exercise.

Fraud

Most people are basically frauds.  This does not mean to insinuate they are corrupt or criminal.  What I mean is that their life is a lie.  They are not living how they desired.  Instead, they are putting up all kinds of facades to help people outside view them differently.  Image is everything is the saying.  Conformity is the acceptable practice in the traditional world.  Stray from the norm and there are consequences to be paid.  Most understand this at a young age, hence, they fall in line with the group thinking.

Being true to oneself is almost impossible with the way society is.  Certainly there are a few who are able to enjoy this but they are considered fringe people.  The last time it was commonplace was during the hippie movement in the 60s which ended along with the Vietnam War.  Now, people who engage in a communal lifestyle or anything along those lines is viewed as odd or radical.

As a result, people fall follow the prescribed path as outlined to them by society.  This is especially true with relationships.  I have a wedding to attend this summer for a family member and the thought has crossed my mind more than once "why is he getting married".  Now I am not stating this with an opposition to marriage as much as to the question of whether he was free to consider alternative lifestyle choices.  I am going to hypothesize that he did not and is simply falling the common course of action.  He is in his late 20s, met someone he loves, and so marriage is the logical next step.  While that might be true, in 50% of the cases, divorce follows after that.

Perhaps this individual is being true to himself with this decision.  However, I know from talking with many over the years, this is not the case for everyone.  People find themselves imprisoned to the cultural ideas which are commonplace.  The indoctrination process starts at an early age and never really ends.  Most individuals end up living a life established by someone else.

BDSM As The Answer

For many, the answer is BDSM.  Please notice how I wrote many and not all.  BDSM is not for everyone so let us not pretend this is the cure-all for society.  Nevertheless, for those who feel an inner alignment with this way of life, it can be the pathway to freedom.

To start, BDSM is a conscious choice.  In few situations within Western Society is BDSM the default structure for relationships.  Instead, we see a world that is based upon parity in relationship with the power structure equally split.  This is not so in BDSM.  People who opt for this method consciously choose a relationship based upon the fundamental idea of unequal power.  This is radically different from those who are commonly operating in the traditional world where there choices are typically unconscious.

Another aspect of this is that BDSM allows one to be who he or she is.  The opportunity exists to eliminate the facades (at least some of them) and be "who you are".  Naturally, since we all have to operate in the "real world" there are some of those walls which need to remain in place.  However, the vast majority of them can be punctured especially in social settings.  Submission, as an example, is not a characteristic valued by society.  Yet, in the BDSM world, it is a necessary component in every relationship.  The same is true with domination.  Society has a mixed idea about this trait yet we embrace it within BDSM.  If this is who a person is, why deny it?

BDSM also offers the pathway for exploration.  The vanilla world detests this concept.  People are to adhere to what is already established.  Anything outside those bounds is frowned upon.  In BDSM, we encourage people to try new things.  There is a whole spectrum of activities from the mild to the extreme which we suggest people try.  The one caveat that we insist upon is that of safety.  However, outside that, and a few highly illegal ones, everything is open.  The freedom to explore is not only offered but encouraged.

BDSM is a lot more than just whips and chains.  Along your path, be sure to look deeper within yourself to determine what is available to you.  You just might uncover something that astounds you.  Freedom is available if you want to take it.  But remember, with freedom comes responsibility.

DN

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Slaves With Power

Today I must write a post to clarify an idea that is so common it actually is scary.  So many people buy into this idea that it is amazing that people can exist in the real world to any degree.  The sad part about it is that it is untrue and completely impractical.

Power Exchange

Before I get into the thrust of this article, I am going to tangent to an idea that is equally as stupid as the one I am going to write about.  Too often I see submissive people (usually women) who write something to the effect "I am not submissive to everyone".  The fact that this needs mentioning shows the sad state of affairs that we are dealing with.  We entered into another reality with the advent of the online crowd.  For some reason these people behave in ways that is contrary to what BDSM fundamentally stands for.

The fact is that a sub (slave) is only submissive to the one she (he) submitted to.  That is why there is a process that is undertaken before the exchange of power takes place.  Simply because someone has the quality of submissiveness, that does not mean she (he) is subservient to every non-submissive out there.  That is like saying that a married woman is married to every guy.  Insane.  Do you think that one has to write "I am married but not to everyone"?  Of course not.  Nevertheless, once again, we see the inane ideas of the BDSM world.

Turning attention back to the main idea, too many believe that a slave becomes powerless once submitting to another.  This is a myth that seems to take place online.  Personally, I believe it keeps gaining speed because the dominants lack the skills to handle someone who exhibits power, i.e. is not a total bathmat and the submissives want to absolve themselves of all responsibility.  Being a slave and entering in a BDSM relationship does not mean that a slave ceases to have any power.  Instead, it uncovers the fact that she (he) is empowered to the degree as determined by the dominant.  Here again, we see this fact to be true since many slaves are obligated with responsibility.  In a healthy situation, it is impossible to have responsibility without being empowered (and vice versa).

Therefore, the exchange of power is total insofar as the dominant determines who has it at any given moment.  And, ultimately, it is all at his (her) discretion.

Outside The Home

Here is the primary area where I see so much confusion.  So many believe that they cannot be slaves because they operate in positions of power in the business world.  My answer to that is "why would you think that"?  Again, I know the answer because of what I just wrote.  The vast majority, at least online, operate from the basis a slave has no power...ever.  As was shown, this is not true.

It is not uncommon for one to work outside the home even when owned.  Obviously, in a M/s situation, the decision of whether to maintain employment or not is up to the dominant.  However, once that decision is made, he (she) understands the parameters of that decision.  Whenever one is working outside the home, there arises the situation where one has a boss.  This is true for the employee in the form of a manager and even the business owner (these bosses are called clients/customers).  Hence, everyone has someone to answer to who are dictating behavior.

Many see a conflict when a slave is in a position of having to answer to someone else.  There is no conflict.  Anyone who makes the decision to send one out into the workplace understands that during the hours engaged in that activity, the slave answers to another person.  This is an example of where the online fairy tales do not relate to the real world.  Anyone who believes that a slave answers to him (her) in that situation will find himself without the extra paycheck.  Most employers are a bit picky about their employees answering to someone else during business hours. 

Another concept that many have trouble with is the notion of a slave being in a position of power.  I presume this is something that is not comprehended when understanding the inane ideas people buy into.  However, there is no reason why a slave cannot be in a management position outside the house.  Simply because she (he) has people answering to her (him), that does not mean that submissiveness is not a part of that person's makeup.  The difference is that the slave has the ability to assume the role required to succeed in the business world.  Management is a discipline like any other that is learned; it does not reflect the inner qualities nor threaten how she (he) structures a relationship.  At the same time, it also doesnt negate the submission to the one who owns her (him).

Hopefully, this clarifies things considerably.

DN

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Weaknesses

Nobody walking the planet today is perfect.  We all are flawed in some way.  This is an inescapable fact.  Sadly, the way some behave, you would think they were exempt from this minor tidbit of life.

Growth

Over the last few weeks, I have been writing how I feel it is crucial that people who live the BDSM lifestyle hold themselves to a higher level of conduct than the average person.  This is because those who live this way of life made a conscious decision to do so.  Most individuals who are in the vanilla world have not considered why they live the way they do.  Instead, they fall in line with cultural conditioning.

Part of the process of having higher standards is continual growth.  This concept applies to each area of our lives.  Far too often I see members of the BDSM community concentrate solely on their "play" talents while ignoring everyday life.  Unfortunately, it is for this reason that I believe many encounter problems.  BDSM will not solve your life issues.  We do not become exempt from the everyday situations that all people deal with simply because we opt to pursue a lifestyle based upon power exchange.  Therefore, growing in those areas outside of play is paramount.

When looking at growth, there are two ways to approach things.  Now, I will tell you, being in the corporate world taught me there is debate as to which is the best approach.  Some believe that one needs to focus upon weaknesses and seek to improve them.  At the same time, there is another faction which believes that one is to ignore weaknesses and only focus on improving strengths.  After all, the Rolling Stones concentrate on making music while having someone else handle moving their equipment.  Actually I can see both sides of the argument.  However, I feel weaknesses are a proper place to focus attention.

Low Hanging Fruit

There is an adage in life about garnering results quickly and easily by concentrating one's efforts on the "low hanging fruit".  What this analogy tells us is that it is far more effective to focus upon those areas of life which are a complete mess.  This line of thinking believes that noticeable results are achieved with a small amount of consistent action.

As an example, I will use finances.  Have you ever met someone who was a spender.  This person never gives a thought to money when making a purchase.  He or she is always broke spending whatever comes in almost as fast.  The amount of money earned is truly not relevant since 100% (or more with credit) goes out.  This is a person who has some big pieces of fruit to pick.

Contrast this with an individual who lives by a budget.  Here is a person who knows what is coming in and, more importantly, what goes out.  Each purchase is considered before it is made.  Sound financial principles are a part of this person's regular makeup.

Now, let me ask you: which person can realize a 10% turnaround easier?  Do you believe the free spender can improve quicker than the one who monitors his/her money? 

The answer, in my view, is that the free spender, the person with the major financial weakness, will garner results quicker by simply taking a few corrective actions.  This person could erect a self imposed spending holiday for a month where nothing but essentials are purchased.  This certainly would have a major effect.  Or perhaps a few of the items which were recently purchased but are not going to be used could be returned.  Again, we would see an immediate net effect.

Weaknesses and BDSM

As mentioned in the open, we all have weaknesses.  BDSM is a microcosm of society because of the fact that it is made up of individual; imperfect creatures who should be seeking to get better.  Each of us is obligated to take inventory of ourselves to determine where we need improvement.  Again, I need to stress that everyone falls into this category in spite of what some dominants would lead you to believe.

Concentrating on those areas which are "outside" of BDSM is a wonderful starting place.  Is your financial situation a mess?  Do you require a bit of work on your body?  How are your interpersonal skills?  Are you getting along with your co-workers and family?

In addition, another area to look at is your own character and notice some of the areas where you fall short.  Is your temper a problem?  Do you struggle with honesty?  How is your self esteem?  Where does fear rule your life?  Are you ashamed of certain things?  Is integrity of importance to you?  How is it exemplified?  Questions like these uncover the qualities which amount to our character.  My view is the BDSM world is made up of far too many people who are low in this area.  We have all encountered the outright scumbags online.  These people are obvious.  But what about the others who are less apparent?  There are a multitude of people running around who will lead you to believe they are of quality when, in fact, they are not.  The sad truth is it is often better to be stabbed in the fact by a stranger than in the back by a close confidant.

The key elements in a BDSM relationship are the individuals who are involved in it.  It is amazing how few ever seem to take the time to consider this.  Also, those who are in BDSM still need to operate in the "real" world.  Unless you are part of the few who reside on some piece of land separated from the mainstream where total power exchange resides every second of the day, the fact is life still needs dealing with.  And successful navigation through these waters will enhance the satisfaction of the relationship.

Certainly, learning and seeking to improve the different parts of play is important.  However, it is not the only factor.  One who is an expert at using a whip and bondage but is a total jerk is going to suffer difficulties.  While this person might be an excellent BDSM dominant, the character leaves some to be desired.  Sadly, this is a fact which becomes evident in all interaction this person has.

Therefore, it is helpful to focus upon our weaknesses...all of them.  It is a difficult undertaking but one that nets great benefits.  As members of the BDSM community, why shouldn't we hold ourselves to a higher level of behavior.  Just looking around society, it is evident the world can use a group of people who adhere to this.  At the same time, some of the problems which are commonplace in our community might not occur if people took a stand based upon higher principles.  For too long, the BDSM community tended to gravitate to the lowest common denominator among us.  It is time to change that.

DN

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The Online Crowd

Much of society's interaction today takes place online.  This is a fact of the times and trying to change it is fruitless.  The workplace is filled with online meetings and communication via email or messenger.  People do not speak person-to-person anymore.  Perhaps that is a good thing since worldwide productivity increased.  However, we see the same trend occurring in our personal lives which can provide an interesting twist to things.

Online BDSM

I am not going to discuss the pros or cons of online "ownership".  This is a topic of great debate among the community.  Some feel it is a worthwhile venture and considered "real" while others deem it nothing more than role playing.

That aside, we see the overall trend towards online interaction reflected within the BDSM community.  Today, as compared to 15 years ago, BDSM is more in the open because of the Internet.  Munches and other events are publicized online whereas, before, they were advertised in local rags.  This resulted in the expansion of the online community.  While this can be viewed as a good thing, this does bring up the question of how many of them are truly interested in this way of life?

Anonymity

The Internet provides a forum where one can maintain total anonymity if that is what is desired.  Again, this can be a good thing for one who does not wish to publicize his/her choices.  However, we run into a problem when people with less than ethical intentions are encountered.  These individuals use the anonymity of the world wide web to create all kinds of havoc.  Anyone who is delving into this medium needs to be mindful of what takes place out there.

To start, most of us witnessed the outright scams that are run.  People do not telemarket for dollars anymore; they troll forums looking for people to interact with.  Their intention is simply to separate a person from his/her money.

Secondly, we encounter those people who are bored with their lives and are simply looking to engage in fantasy/role play.  While there is nothing wrong with this as long as all involved are aware, the fact is most often one of the parties believes he/she is dealing with something real.  The anonymity allows one of the individuals to create whatever persona is desired to fulfill whatever desire is sought.  Of course, the other person ends up in emotional upheaval and suffers because of it.

Friends

Another facet which I witnessed yet do not see mentioned much is the online friendships that arise.  It is interesting to note that people can be rather clickish in their behavior.  I was on more than one website where a "group" of friends were like a high school click going after people who were a threat.  What is interesting about this scenario is the fact that these people did not know each other (for the most part).  Many of them were just online interaction.

In economics there is something called "opportunity cost".  What this means is that if a dollar is spent in one area, it cannot be utilized in another area.  Thus, the opportunity cost is the amount that is lost by spending the money, as an example, as opposed to investing it.

I see a similar thing here.  When someone "bands" together with an online friend, especially to the detriment of a potential dominant or submissive, I often wonder what is the opportunity cost.  It is interesting to note that over time, I realize that these "friendships" tend not to last very long.  Hence we have an individual who followed the little click while losing the potential to find someone who would be real with him/her. 

Taken one step further, when I scour some of the BDSM "dating" sites, I see ones who are involved with others from far away places.  While this can be a good starting point towards ultimate unification geographically, I often surmise about what this individual is missing by having an "online Master" (dominant, sub, or slave).  While one is spending time with someone who he/she will never meet face-to-face, an opportunity could be lost to deal with someone local.  Of course, this is not the case in all instances but I am sure it occurs quite regularly.

Skeptic

The sad truth is one needs to be skeptical of all encountered online.  There are many who post and are truly as they appear.  However, there are many, if not most, who simply are not.  Lies and exaggeration are the norm in the online world.  It will save a lot of pain and heartache if you accept this as reality right now.  Protecting yourself is your first priority in any online endeavor.

Many feel that taking this approach is being coarse.  Perhaps they are correct.  Nevertheless, one only needs to be taken for a ride a time or two to realize the pain suffered by not following this path.  The anonymity of the Internet not only allows someone to create whatever persona he/she desires, but disappearing is always a click away.  I cannot tell you how many "people" I watched deal with someone who simply vanished.  It was a basic case of here today, gone tomorrow.  The reality is that the person might have frequented the same site just under a different profile.  Again, the emotional damage left behind can be great.

Overall, I would say that this medium is dealing with a lot of people who lack character.  I respect someone who has no interest and simply says that.  People need to have a backbone.  Sadly, this is not the norm.  Most will interact with someone, even if truly interested, and then back away without a word when deciding the interest isnt there.  This lacks character.  If someone is willing to invest the time in you, or you in someone else, it is only fitting that one be open about what is going on.  There is nothing worse than someone simply vanishing or ceasing communication.  But again, we find this to be the norm.

The bottom line is to not only protect yourself but take those steps to ensure that you arent one causing pain by your actions.  Be mindful of who you are dealing with and understand that person has feelings.  Oftentimes we do things that inadvertently harm another.  Naturally, our intentions were good even if the execution feel short.  This happens to everyone since we all can get wrapped up in ourselves at times.  However, repeated behavior of not considering others and what they experience put one in the category of abuser. 

People who live the BDSM lifestyle should hold themselves to a higher standard.  Being a person of character and integrity is paramount.  This applies in all areas of our lives including our online interactions.

DN

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Domineering

I decided to write this post after witnessing some behavior online that really drove home how misguided some "dominants" can be.  This type of outlook has the ability to severely harm another both in a physical way as well as emotionally.  One of my beliefs about domination is that safety of the psychological state of another is imperative.  However, people of this ilk tend not to adhere to that notion.

Power Hungry

It cannot be guessed at the number of people within this lifestyle who are "power hungry".  The motivation for entering the BDSM world is to have another serve him.  While this is a part of the deal, it is only seeing one side of the issue.  People of this nature do not realize that a relationship, even power exchange, is a two-way street.   This individual agrees with the idea that he is to get out of the relationship what he can when, in fact, he ought to look at what he can bring.  Hence we have a built-in selfishness which is generally childish.

At the same time, many desire power but do not understand that responsibility is automatically a companion in that equation.  When one is handed complete control as occurs in a TPE scenario, that means that all responsibility falls to the dominant individual.  The blame game is not an option.  Sure, there are instances when a submissive will make mistakes or even create a burden on the relationship.  However, the ultimate outcome is up to the dominant one to create.  If the submissive is not acting accordingly, it is up to him to alter her behavior.  Failure to do this lays completely at his feet.

This is where one wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too".  It is not realistic for one to take the power but cede the responsibility to the other person.  This is a pathway to failure.  It is only with the power that one can be responsible for the outcome.  Without said power, it is impossible to affect what occurs.  For example, other my vote or writing my Congress person, I have no power over what the US Congress does.  Hence, I am not responsible for the decisions they make.  If I was granted the power to change people who I felt were ill-suited to be there (all of them), then I could be held responsible.

Therefore, seeking power for the sake of fulfilling an inner hunger is not healthy.  A person of this sort will not stand up and behave responsibly.  Instead, when things enter a rough stage, which they always do, he will instead look to deflect the focus off himself.  This is not dominating behavior.

Coming From Fear

Closely related to this idea is the concept of domineering.  When one is of this sort, he operates from a place of fear.  It is his insecurity rather than confidence which is the motivation.  A person who lacks the inner self confidence has to show he is "in charge".  The mental image is the boss who sits there ordering people around.  Having to prove oneself and the power one wields is behavior which is not common among leaders.  True leadership enables people to follow as opposed to being pushed.

A dominating person knows who is in control.  This person does not have to continually display power especially among others.  Certainly, if challenged, a dominant will step up and exert influence over the one under his control.  However, in most instances, it goes without saying who is in charge.  The dominant knows deep within himself where the power lies and how to properly handle that.  Contrast this with the domineering person who is more often trying to convince himself that the power is his.  A dominant knows; a domineering person hopes.

Another aspect is the concept of image.  A true dominant is not greatly concerned about how others view him.  This is because of the internal self confidence which is present.  In most instances, other will view him favorably.  However, if there are those who do not, he will not be greatly concerned.

The domineering one takes a different tactic.  To him, image is crucial.  He will spend a great deal of time telling anyone who will listen about all he did.  The number of relationships will be mentioned; what he did; his expertise in particular areas; and the accolades he received from others.  These are components which help to create his identity.  Of course, an underlying fear is present since he is most often concerned about people finding out the truth.  This fear is the reason which causes him to be more domineering which, naturally, creates more fear until a continuous cycle is formed.

Anxious

It is important to remember the  motivating factors of a dominant versus one who is domineering.  When you know that one is moved by confidence while the other by fear, you can asses the behaviors.

One thing that really stands out among those who are domineering is that they are anxious to move things forward.  A dominant person is confident that he will reach the desired outcome.  He understands that to truly take over another person requires time and effort.  Rushing things along will not enhance the process.  He is not concerned with losing a perspective submissive to another.  While it can happen, he is confident to know that what he offers is high on the scale.

Contrast this with the fear based domineering child.  He has to get one to agree and "submit" to him within minutes.  Time is of the essence because another person can come along and capture her attention.  Fear causes this person to seek a shortcut.  One of the most common tactics is to isolate one.  This enables him to take full control of the informational process which, especially if she is new, will enable him to create the imagery he desires.  Of course, this is all blown out of the water if she interacts with someone else who paints a different picture.  Hence, we have the circular process which spirals downward.

 In closing, if you are dominant and you find you are behaving in a domineering manner, understand that identifying the behavior is the first step.  Next, come to understand that you need to focus attention upon yourself and your internal shortcomings.  Education is required at this point.  Knowledge is a wonderful tool to help to instill confidence within a person.  At the same time, concentrate on taking control over those aspects of your life which are out of control.  This is the foundation of all successful BDSM relationships; one who can dominate himself.

DN 


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Total Commitment

Commitment is a central part of success in any endeavor in life.  It matters none the area of focus, the basic fact is that our level of success will be in proportion to how committed we are to achieving the desired goal.  Without a high level of commitment, most will stop at the first sign of difficulty.  We see this daily in the people we are surrounded by.  Sadly, we are most likely seeing a reflection of our own life.

No Other Option

Total commitment means that you are willing to eliminate all other options other than the one you desire.  Again, this is a basic tenet that is used by the most successful people in life.  It is also a state that is rarely attained by the average person.  Half-hearted efforts are the norm for those who live a substandard life.  Instead of plugging ahead in the quest for success, they settle.

This idea ties in beautifully to the BDSM world.  Many enter this lifestyle with the outlook as one does when walking onto a car showroom.  Instead of being committed to the lifestyle, a person is actually just "tire kicking".  Perhaps, after a bit of time, this individual might advance to taking a test drive.  However, at this point the person is still not committed to buying anything.  The door remains open to leave.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned what I termed the Submission Process.  This idea resulted from watching people enter this lifestyle and leave it almost as quickly.  Over time, I noticed that most were operating in a reverse pattern.  Instead of committing to the lifestyle, a person entered into a BDSM relationship using that as a tool to assist in the decision.  To me, that is like taking a test drive in a car before being committed to driving.  The vehicle is going to be the barometer to choose between driving or taking the bus.  If the car is acceptable, driving is the choice; if not, renew the annual bus pass.

As insane as that sounds, this is exactly what people do in the BDSM world.  Before being committed to a power exchange structure, a person enters into a relationship hoping that person will work out.  Of course, since we know the success rate of relationships in general is abysmal, we know exactly what happens.  The person is emotionally hurt which mirrors the results achieved in the traditional world thus causing the person to give up.  This is where a lack of commitment enters the picture.  The door to the showroom swings both ways and exit is an option.

Total Commitment

Naturally, one who is uncertain about this lifestyle cannot take the step and make a total commitment to it.  This is logical.  A person in this position needs to commit to study and research to learn as much as possible about what this life is all about.  He or she is not best served by entering into a relationship until the point is reached where commitment to the lifestyle can occur.  For some, this is upon finding the lifestyle while others will take a bit more time.  It is up to the individual to determine precisely how the process will unfold.  However, the order of things cannot change if success is likely to take place.

Once one is committed to living a "BDSM life", then he or she can commit to achieving success in this realm.  When people proclaim themselves to be a part of this lifestyle (and mean it), then the chances of finding what he or she is seeking will occur.  Now, I will admit it might take some time and effort.  However, that is where the commitment enters the picture.  We find that failure is a part of the process no matter how experienced we are.  I guess we can presume that is par for the course with relationships.  In others words, sometimes one will need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding that Prince or Princess.

Persistence is required to delve through the hodgepodge of people, especially online.  We know how common the trollers and game players are.  However, there is another area where commitment enters: our own personal abilities.  Whether submissive or dominant, the fact is that entering BDSM means that one is undertaking a lifelong study of living that differs greatly from how most of us were raised.  This means that simple "being dominant" is not enough.  Once needs to commit to the study of control, personal development, psychology, and an assortment of other areas that come with dominating and taking over the life of another.  Again, without the commitment, people will take the easiest route which is usually to do nothing.  This will only lead to problems down the road and one of the many reasons why relationships end.

Growth is a natural part of the human experience.  If we are not growing, we are dying.  BDSM is a microcosm of life at large.  Those who fail to continually enhance their abilities will find themselves falling behind.  Again, no matter how long someone is in this lifestyle, there is always something more to learn.  Nobody has all the answers or every achieved the state of perfection.  Instead, we all enlarge our "toolbox" by learning more about the life we chose.  It is important to remember, unlike the traditional world where a lot of the beliefs are given to us through our upbringing, almost everyone in BDSM consciously chose this way of life.  Since it is your decision, it is also your responsibility to be as committed to that decision as possible, especially if you are going to be involved with other people.  Sadly, few seem to take this approach.

Ponder this idea for a while and let me know what you think about it.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Emotional

In my last post we covered the physical aspect of oneself and how I believe we, as members of the BDSM community, are responsible for holding ourselves to a higher standard.  The starting point of this quest is with our physical body.  We are all aware of the weight epidemic that persists in western cultures.  However, this is a battle that can be one and we have the responsibility to take the lead.  Laziness and excuses are not tolerable.

The next step along this path is our emotional standards.  People, in general, are too dependent upon their emotional state.  They allow how they feel to dictate the decisions made.  This puts people in a reactionary mode resulting in clouded thinking and poorer judgment.  Nevertheless, this is the path which most people follow.

Immaturity

Children operate in the stimulus-react mode.  This is expected out of these creatures because they know no better.  It is part of immaturity and a phase which we are suppose to grow out of.  Sadly, judging by the behaviors of most, the greatest percentage of the population resides in this phase their entire lives.  How often do you see someone in a store screaming at the person behind the counter over an unresolved situation?  This is a person who is not capable of controlling his or her state.  The Western cultures seem to believe that anger is a technique which is to be esteemed.  To me, it signals a loss of control.  While that might be acceptable to the general population, I feel BDSM teaches us to move beyond them to a higher plane.

Unfortunately, in my travels throughout the web and some in person interactions, it seems that many are no better than the norm.  The BDSM world community is full of people who, quite frankly, are immature.  They seek to escape whatever ails them in the traditional world only to find this way of life no easier to navigate.  The basic problem always is that, no matter what life choice is made, unless one is capable of dealing with the emotional situations presented on a daily basis, unhappiness will result.

Growing up means being able to supersede our emotional state while behaving in a sound, rational manner.  Look at the greatest political leaders and notice how they operated during extreme times.  The ones we hold in the highest regard are those who were "cool under fire".  Leaders are sought for this characteristic because nobody is going to feel comfortable nor follow an emotional basket case.  It is ironic how so few within the BDSM community understand this.

Control Oneself

I am amazed how many profess to be dominant (and Masters) yet fail to have basic control over themselves.  This fact was mentioned in the previous post about weight.  Here again, we see a person proclaiming to be able to control and run another person's life fail to even be able to handle himself.   How can one ever make this assertion when he (she) is a puppet to his (her) emotions?  To me, this is misguiding because one is not being truthful.  Mastery starts with oneself first and then moves onto another person.

Submissives need to show the same ability.  While I will grant the fact that obedience tends to be the trait which she (he) is most judged upon, this does not mean personal responsibility is out the window.  In fact, controlling oneself in situations might even be more important because her behaviors are not only reflective upon her (him) but the dominant also.  Yet, we see so many acting like school girls and throw a public fit when she didnt get what is desired.  Again, the lack of personal control also reflects upon the owner which can put him in a diminished light.

The other aspect of this is the fact, as we are seeing, is that personal control applies to all aspects of one's life.  Failure to control one's eating habits also lend to the idea that one cannot control his/her emotional state.  A person of this ilk often cannot control the compulsion to spend.  The list will carry on with always the same cause at the core: a lack of personal control.

Feelings Are Not Facts

This is something that many take except to but it is indisputable.  Feelings are not facts.  They might feel real in the present moment yet they are not.  Feelings are nothing more than a response to programming based upon a thought process that is ingrained within one.  For example, in the west we are conditioned to believe that when one dies, we should feel sad.  If one went to a funeral and was having a gay ole time, everyone would think that person strange.  However, in many eastern cultures, they teach that death is a freeing of the physical limitations and that it is an experience which should be celebrated.  Crying at this event is inappropriate based upon their conditioning.

Now that you can see how feelings are often a result based upon things outside ourselves, does it make sense to allow them to control us to the degree they do?  The obvious answer is that it does not make sense yet most of the population does this.  This takes on a different meaning when you consider the fact that how we view the same situation changes over time.  What upsets us in the moment is not as important a few weeks (or even days) down the road.  Yet many people will fly off the deep end over something minor that means very little in the big picture.  However, the damage that a person can do when out of emotional control by whipping out that saber tooth tongue is enormous. 

The bottom line is we all can change how we feel.  I will not go into detail on this since there are thousands of sites which will help one with this.  My point is that it takes concentrated effort to grow up.  BDSM means that we are willing to engage in those things others are not willing to do.  Losing one's temper when something does not go his or her way is acting like the child in a sandbox.  It is ineffective and reflects very poorly upon the individual.  Many will spend hours in an effort to dress properly and present an image visually then completely destroy it by acting like an emotional fool.  There are images firmly imprinted upon my mind, even years later, of situations like this at munches which have influenced my impression of certain individuals.  My regard for them is low simply because I witnessed then behave like emotional morons in a public setting. 

In conclusion, part of the process of moving from vanilla to BDSM is growing up.  We live a lifestyle that is based upon choice which means that responsibility accompanies our every move.  While many still want to play the victim while blaming others for their plight, the bottom line is you signed up for this deal.  Consensual means that nobody if forced into anything.  Therefore, acting like a child when you do not get what you want is nobody's fault other than you own.  Certainly there are instances within a relationship where things are altered but the basic premise if that you consciously chose this way of life and the person you are with.  Look in the mirror instead of throwing a hissy fit.  This is what being an adult is all about.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Physical

This post is certainly going to offend some people and that is quite alright with me.  I hope some people are up in arms about what I am going to write simply for the fact that we, as a population, have become too complacent about things.  Therefore, since I believe those in the BDSM world are obligated to hold themselves to a higher standard, I am going to focus my attention here.

Frankly, the world is too fat.  This is a statement backed up by many studies.  Western cultures, the US and Europe, are experiencing obesity rates that are unseen at any point in history.  Today, I hear so many excuses as why this is so.  The truth of the matter is that a weight epidemic exists because people tolerate it, both among themselves and from others.

Before going any further, I will issue a disclaimer.  I understand there are some who simply cannot lose weight because of health issues such as a lazy thyroid or because of physical ailments which make exercise virtually impossible.  For these people, the struggle is difficult if not impossible.  If you are an individual who fits into this category, be it from paralysis, stroke, or heart ailment, obviously much of this will not apply.  However, it is worthy to read what is written here for those around you.

The Body

It is written that the "body is a temple".  If that is the case, looking at people in public, many should be condemned.  Physical fitness is a thing of the past.  As a fan of older movies, I am stunned each time I watch something from the 1970s or before.  Almost everyone in the movie is thin.  Sure, there is the occasional large person but that person is not the norm.  Contrast that with movies today and you see a completely different scenario.

We see this same thing in the BDSM world.  It is amazing to me to see the pictures of some people and how they look.  In addition to being unattractive there is a health aspect which I will cover in a bit.  The bottom line is people do not cherish their body.  Instead, they abuse it with the food they put in, thus, creating a host of problems down the road.

I am always amazed to see people post in their profile they are "Masters" and then to look at their weights only to find they are 75 or 100 pounds overweight.   To me, this is a total contradiction.  How can one believe that he (or she) is able to control another when dominating what is entering his (her) body is outside the realm of personal power?  While I will see intolerant with this view, the fact is that if one is going to be a "Master", I do not think it unfair that he (she) be held to a higher standard.

It is the same on the submissive side.  So many label themselves slaves yet are carrying around extra pounds.  Again, we see a contradiction here.  Slaves are suppose to be beings that one is proud of.  They do things on a daily basis to ensure maximum benefit to the ones in servitude to.  However, when one is unfit, this limits the options a Master will have.  Physical limitations which are present because of failure to do something within one's control is the result.  To me, this becomes an unacceptable scenario.

Selfishness

Overall, I conclude this is nothing more than an extreme case of selfishness.  I come across so many who have the attitude "accept me as I am".  This is a definite case of having a settlement mentality.  This might work for society in general but, in BDSM, we need to lift our sights higher.  There is no reason why anyone should settle for anything less than they can possibly be and offer anyone else less than 100% of our potential.

We see so many searching to find the right one.  On any given day, you can log onto any BDSM website to find people looking for that special someone(s) to get involved with.  It is a quest many spend years undertaking and, fortunately for many, a quest that is fulfilled.  Now, this is where the problem comes in.  How selfish is it that a person is going to fulfill another person with his or her presence only to check out early because of health issues?  It is no secret the life expectancy ramifications that carrying around extra weight causes.  Yet a person, dominant or submissive, does not even consider this.  The central fact is that one deprives another of years of interaction.

Heart disease, cancer, and other ailments all have been tied, at least in part, to excess weight.  The emotional toll on a relationship when one of these hits is tremendous.  Nevertheless, few take measures to prevent them.  Instead, they simply go about eating the double cheeseburgers and french fries without regard to the consequences.  Again, I cannot help but to ponder how selfish this is when one looks at the bigger picture.

Sex

If a loss of life is not reason enough to decide to change, perhaps sex can be a motivating factor.  To start, not to sound shallow, but everyone likes to have sex with a hot body.  Now, this is not to mean insist that physical attributes are the only important factors.  However, society esteems the beautiful for one reason: people want to have sex with them.  What woman does not want to spend a night with George Clooney?  I would say most of the English speaking female world fits into that category.  Sure his attitude, fame, and money might have something to do with it but the fact that he is in shape does not hurt his sex appeal.  The same is true for someone like Demi Moore.  If she was carrying an extra 30 or 50 pounds, she would not be seen in the same light.

In addition to attractiveness, sex is impeded by weight.  As we age, things do not work as well as they did when we were younger.  This is a basic fact of life.  However, those who maintain a certain physical fitness level are able to slow the aging process down a bit.  And when it comes to sex, this is a good thing.

To illustrate this point, we will go to the most basic sexual tool, the penis (Dick for those of you who were asleep in health class).  Studies reveal that a great deal of erectile dysfunction is directly attributed to excess weight.  The clogging of the vascular system impeded the flow of blood to the member when it is needed most.  An erection, unlike other muscles, cannot be strengthened and relies solely on the flow of blood to achieve the state of "attention".  Also, stamina and sexual interest have been also tied to how fit one is.  Those who maintain a good state of fitness tend to last longer in bed and want it more than those who do not.  Finally, medications can impede performance yet many that people take are due to excess weight.  We find many of the same correlations with women as they age.

Again, I wonder how selfish a person is to not want to be able to perform, sexually, as well as possible for his or her partner?  Within BDSM, there is a mindset that a submissive exists for the dominants pleasure.  That is true but I have news for you: if the submissive is not taken care of, he or she will not hang around too long.  Subs have needs too.

Reasons

There are a number of reasons why someone would tolerate being overweight when there is something that can be done about it.  Again, focusing upon BDSM although I am sure it is consistent throughout mainstream society, one big reason is emotional.  Many simply have not dealt with their past issues.  Instead, they opt to make themselves "unattractive" by using weight as a protective blanket.

Sexual and physical abuse is common among many of the members of the BDSM community.  Many were molested as children and a number of people have not dealt with this.  It is at this point that I will strongly suggest getting with a therapist or counselor to deal with issues arising from those past events.  I met so many who admitted they used weight as a means of ensuring that sexual abuse does not happen again.  On the surface, this makes no sense but when one delves into the mind of a victim of this sort, the rational is perfectly logical.  However, as we all know, it is flawed in that it provides no defense, especially in light of the negative health/social consequences.

Another factor that enters the picture is that many do not know how to handle their emotional states.  I am a firm believer that emotional control is imperative in a BDSM relationship.  Those who do not know how to handle their feelings are best off uninvolved until they can learn how to deal with people as adults.  The stimulus/react technique might be okay for children but does not pass when one reaches adulthood.  Yet we see so many who quite frankly cannot control themselves.  Therefore, they turn to something that helps them escape and for many this is food (or sweets, salty products, or fast food).  Again, this is something which might require some professional assistance.

The final reason for being overweight is that we became an inactive society.  Many people spend their entire day on their butts getting very little activity.  In the past, people naturally engaged in activities which got their bodies moving.  Today, video games and the Internet consume most of our time.  Research has showed that the average American watches 6 hours of television on average a day.  The net result is seen around the waistline.

The Solution

So why do I bring all this up?  As mentioned, I am a big believer that we, in the BDSM world, are obligated to hold ourselves to a much higher standard than the average person.  We consciously sought out a lifestyle that is different from what is considered normal.  To do this, we had to break the conditioning that society did and embrace things for ourselves.  This requires strength, personal power, and inner fortitude.  In my mind, these are characteristics which reside within each person who lives this way of life.

Most of you know I state repeatedly that BDSM is a lot more than whips and chains.  The lifestyle was corrupted to a degree by the imagery promoted by the porn industry.  Many new people believe it is about being tied up and screwed.  Nevertheless, this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Making BDSM a part of your life means that it penetrates every aspect of your life.  Those who fail to understand this are shortchanging themselves.

We speak of words such as discipline, honor, trust, honesty, control, responsibility, and service.  Yet, for many, these are just words.  Instead of internalizing them as a daily part of one's life, they are paid "lip service".  We see this when we watch the behavior of so many.

BDSM entails being the best you can be in all situations.  Everyone has different aspects of their lives.  Regardless of whether we are focusing upon the financial, mental, career, family, or physical, BDSM mandates that one strive to attain the highest standard.  Again, we showed the strength and courage to break from the norm and choose a lifestyle different from what we were taught.  It is up to us to apply this to every part of our life.

Therefore, the solution is to begin focusing upon all the things others see.  Take pride in yourself as a member of the BDSM community.  Realize that your physical appearance is something that everyone sees.  Do whatever is necessary to get healthy and fit.  Living in the age of the Internet, the information you need is only a web search away.  I can offer up hundreds of tips to assist you but that is not what this post is about.  However, the fact that many are aware of the 1950s lifestyle should delve a bit deeper and look at how our grandparents lived with regards to healthy and nutrition.  Turning back the clock in that regard provides us with a path to success.

In conclusion, please note that I am not inferring that everyone needs to have a supermodel body.  For most of us, this is unrealistic.  Nevertheless, there is a lot more each of us can do to improve our physical state.  This post is meant to motivate you to action.  Realize what is at stake.  While nothing I wrote here is a secret or not known by society in general, few seem to be paying attention.  That is fine for them.  However, BDSM requires that we each take a look at ourselves to see where we can improve.  If you are one who is already in terrific physical shape, congratulations.  Yet if you are one who is closer to the 60% who is consider obese by the medical community, perhaps it is time to take this post to heart.  The benefits of shedding pounds and losing inches cannot be described.  This affects every area of your life.  It is time to hold yourself to a higher standard. 

DN

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