There are plenty of fakes

This is a topic which pains me to write but it is something that needs to be said. I consider this sort of a "public service announcement" for those who are new to this way of life. Hopefully, these words will save one from enduring some unnecessary pain.

People who approach this lifestyle often do with fascination and excitement. We all remember the wonder we had when we first learned that this world existed. That being said, these same people are also somewhat impressionable at that time. This is where people who are looking to play games usually can be found. The "pretenders" prey upon those who know little. They cower when confronted by someone who knows what this way of life is all about.

Remember these words: there are plenty of fakes. This is especially true for those who like to meet people online. The Internet offers a wonderful means by which one can create any persona he or she wants. Past experience matters little since there are few opportunities to show proof. The games that are played range from the absurd to the outright dangerous.

If you read my other posts, you know that I believe this lifestyle is not about sex although that is part of it. At the same time, it is not about control although that is a large aspect also. It is about two people fulfilling internal needs based upon their basic core makeup. A Master/Dom is that way because of something within him (or her). At the same time, a sub/slave is submissive because of that same core makeup. Finally, we are not here to abuse or be abused.

Pretenders know none of this. Instead, they are constantly looking for those with whom they can score. The idea of dominating is have one do whatever he wants. Basically, they are looking for a slut who will never say "no". They never approach the deeper levels of domination or submission since they dont realize they exist.

At the other end, there are those who claim to be subs/slaves yet are actually after something different. The idea of submitting is appealing although I tend to believe those who are pretending do so because of a lack of attention in other areas of life. This is how one gains her esteem. It is not the lifestyle that is appealing as much as the idea of someone taking interest in her (or him).

Of course, I am making sweeping generalizations here. The point is that those who are true to this lifestyle will emerge if you are patient. You might need to weed through lots of "bad apples" before you find One who is real. The same is true if you are seeking a sub. Many claim to be but few are. There are thousands of chatrooms filled with pretenders as we speak. They are all over the place.

To thine own self be true

William Shakespeare penned these words over 500 years ago. I don't know if he was into BDSM, but it certainly applies in my estimation. To me, this is the foundation upon which a person can create a fantastic BDSM life for him or herself. Without this concept in that person's heart, everything will eventually unravel.

I was chatting with a slave of mine about someone we both know who was "experimenting" with the lifestyle. It seems that her Dom recently passed away. I was reminded of some conversations I had with this woman some time ago. Our interaction was strictly online play. In my estimation, she was not ready to make a commitment to this way of life. Basically, she was not sure it was for her.

Whenever I am confronted with someone who is in this situation, I always tell that person that he or she must decide if this is what is truly wanted. Nobody else can decide that for them. It is an individual decision. As mentioned, without it, all else is doomed.

There are too many people who want to rush into committed BDSM relationships without having any idea whether this is what is wanted. I often encounter women who want to find a Dom to see if this is for them. Sadly, these are the ones who get taken advantage of by the pretenders that exist. Finding a Dom is not the first part of the process. Determining our true desires is what is the initial phase that each of us must pass through. To relate it to the traditional world, this approach is like finding a husband to determine if you are heterosexual or not. Simply, it is putting the cart before the horse.

Many people have strong opinions about this way of life. Sadly, there is a lot of misconception out there about what we are into. We receive pressure from not only society, but our own family and friends. Most people fail to accept when someone chooses to live life different from the norm. It is sad, but true.

For this reason, everyone who looks at this lifestyle needs to be true to him or herself. Search deep within you to resolve if this is what you really want. Do not try to turn to this way of life to make up for some lack in your other way of life. That is also a recipe for disaster. People who succeed in BDSM relationship do so because they know it is the life that they want to lead.

The Pleasure of Pain

Many find great pleasure in experiencing pain.  This is one of the major draws to the BDSM lifestyle.  People who want things to "get rough" are often looked at oddly when in traditional relationships.  However, that is par for the course in the BDSM world.

Not everyone is into pain.  Just because one decides to enter this way of life, that does not mean he or she is into pain.  Yet, many enter with a curiosity about it and how it will fit into their lives.  This is where One needs to be careful.  A good Dom (Domme) will do what is necessary to take a sub to his/her limits while avoiding permanent damage.  I have seen it more than once where One went too quick, leading to adverse consequences.

So, how does One go about this?  In my opinion, it is something that should be taken slowly (when dealing with someone new).  Communication is extremely important.  Obviously, the safe word is one of the first indicators that One went too far.  This allows the sub to stop the scene when it becomes too much.  However, a sub might not always be aware of what is happening.  The monitoring of the situation is paramount.

I like to start with a simple paddling to get a sub accustom to the physical sensations.  It is easiest if it done during sex since this combines the pleasure and pain aspects.  A hand is the most commonly used "item".  I would surmise this is how many begin their BDSM quests.  

Next, I might add a spatula to the mix.  This leads to a striking of the ass to incur the same sensations as the hand (except it hurts me less).  Adding a foreign object to the mix tends to heighten the scene in my experience.

Striking the same area repeatedly will give the "burning" sensation.  The impact need not be too hard.  It is equally effective to strike the same area with moderate power.  Under this scenario, the sub will feel the heating up of the skin.

Many of you know that one of my favorite toys is the riding bat.  This is a tool that can be used with great precision.  I found it most effective when it strike the same area with quick repeated blows in sets of five.  This is true whether I an hitting the nipples, ass, or clit.  Subs find the sensation to be intense.  Also, I further heighten it by resting for a few seconds then going back to the same spot.  This keeps the spot aflame (not literally for all you pyros).  You will actually feel the heat when touching that area with your hand.

Pain is a wonderful facet of this life for many.  Anyone who has dealt with a pain slut knows the pleasure he/she derives from being whipped.  There are many different ways to accomplish this task.  Yet, remember, safety is allows at the top of the list.

Traditional versus BDSM?

Few, if any, are shown the BDSM way of life while growing up. Instead, we are taught that the traditional model for relationships (i.e. marriage) is the path we are to follow. Most of us go down this path before we realize it is not for us. Sadly, we find out only after we are buried deep in the traditional lifestyle.

The Internet helped to spread the availability of information where people previously were without. Because of this medium, BDSM became a legitimate choice for many. We now can find photos, articles, and how-to help simply by using a search engine. People are learning more about this way of life than ever before.

However, this creates another situation that some have asked me about. What do you do if you are interested in this way of life yet have a significant other who is not? This issue becomes compounded when kids, mortgages, finances, and the rest is involved. Unfortunately, there is no single clearcut answer to this. Each situation is personal and up to the individuals involved.

One thing I always suggest is that people need to decide whether they want traditional or BDSM. While it is possible to implement aspects of BDSM into a traditional relationship, those who are faced with this dilemma are often looking to make a deeper step into the lifestyle. Unfortunately, they are often with partners who do not understand or are not interested. Nevertheless, until one is clear exactly what he or she wants, it is impossible to propose something to another.

So, again, do you want a traditional or BDSM lifestyle? This is something that only you can answer. To reach this conclusion, an internal search is required. Many tend to focus upon the outer circumstances to arrive at their decision. That is allowing one to get caught up in a situation as opposed to determining a true want. Looking inward will reveal whether you want BDSM or traditional. Once you arrive at that decision, you can start to make the other choices that go along with the transformation from one lifestyle to another.

Many will write to tell me how it is easy to say while almost impossible to do in person. I will acknowledge that fact. A situation like this, especially when children are involved, is never easy. Nor should it be taken lightly. However, once you decide that you truly want BDSM, then there are other options available. Whether one ultimately decides to pursue this will depend on what other decisions he/she is willing to make. Many decide to remain in the relationship they are in. Again, there is no rule to follow.

The bottom line is happiness. BDSM offers a way of life that makes many of us happy. We know this is the proper way for us to live our life. It is not something that is for everyone. Most, in fact, belong in traditional relationships. Nonetheless, for those of us who went that route and found it wanting, this seems to be a better fit.

To me, BDSM is about freedom. It allows me to be the person I am without having to pretend so as to fit into someone else's perception of a good relationship. Also, it is a way of life that affords me to be honest with those I am involved with. I do not have to sneak around having affairs because I want to be with someone else. It is all part of the way that I structured my life. Those who think differently do not have to associate with me. They can seek relationship with others. I am happy with the choices I made.

So, what is one to do if he or she is presently in a situation they do not desire? I would say the first step is to get honest with yourself. Realize that things might have changed over the years. Choices you made 5,10, or 20 years ago might not be valid for you today. We see this happen all the time in the business world. People choose a career only to determine they want to do something else. Healthy people follow their hearts. Let your insides guide you in this situation also.

Individuality

If I said it once, I said it 1,000 times "everyone involved in BDSM is an individual and there is no one size fits all". It is astounding that people think there is a particular model that needs to be followed. If that were the case, shouldn't we apply the same standard to traditional relationships. To go one step further, please show me the handbook on marriage. There is not one. Marriages are successful when two individuals create an arrangement which works for them. BDSM is the same way.

Many choose to focus on the sexual aspect of this lifestyle first. Starting here, it is imperative to understand that not every Dom likes the same thing sexually. Some are into anal, others detest it. Some like poly, others monogamy. Some share their subs out, others do not. As you can see, the preferences vary from each person.

The same is true for subs. The easiest example is those who like pain versus those who do not. Obviously, the approach to each of these differs depending upon which type you are dealing with. Typical punishments with a pain slut will prove ineffective. The lesson on this type of individual might be lost if you decide to whip her. Instead of a punishment, she has received a reward.

We could extend this conversation to all aspects of the BDSM relationship. Every part is an interaction between two people. Just because something was effective (or enjoyable) with one in the past, does not mean that it is true for the present relationship. My suggestion is to take each one as it comes.

New Doms

There is a very interesting paradox which exists in the BDSM world that is not present in traditional relationships. By the very nature of BDSM, there is a dominant One and a submissive one. Also, because of the role which goes along with each, the Dom is responsible for the direction of the relationship. He (or she) is the one in control.

What creates the paradox is when a Dom (Domme) is new to the lifestyle. Whenever someone is new to anything, they know little about what needs to be done. This is no different. However, in BDSM, a sub is always looking to the Dom for guidance and strength. This is a difficult situation to navigate.

Sadly, Dom Training 101 was not an elective that people can take in school. Also, except for the rare instance where a parent is known to be involved in BDSM, turning to this person is not beneficial. So, where does One go to gain the knowledge of how to be a Dom?

The Internet is a wonderful method to gain knowledge. However, it is equally misleading since there is so much garbage written out there. Many who post things in chatrooms or forums are nothing more than fakes looking to get their rocks off at home. They are not into the lifestyle.

For me, I was trained by a sub. Needless to say, it was an interesting situation. I was fortunate to get with someone who had the patience to show me what she liked to have done. Over the couple of years we were together, I fumbled my way through different aspects of BDSM. Eventually, I was able to forge my own methodology for the way I interact with subs.

My point here is to be open to learning from wherever you can. My observation is that Doms tend to have a hangup about asking for help. They want to do it all on their own. I presume this is part of the character makeup which allows One to dominate. However, until One learns the basics, learning from others is extremely beneficial. Swallow the pride and admit that you know not what you are doing.

And relax, we were all new at one time.

Punishments

What is an appropriate punishment for a sub/slave? That is a loaded question. As most of you know, I believe in treating each person as an individual. Experience taught me that there is no "one size fits all" in the world of BDSM. Nowhere is this more applicable than in the area of punishments.

Each person takes things differently. I met some who really enjoy pain while others abhor it. There were instances where I had people of each makeup at the same time. This presents a bit of a challenge when trying to discipline. Utilizing pain to one who loves is will have adverse effects. In this situation, one needs to be creative with his/her punishments.

The common viewpoint based upon images on the Internet is that the paddle (or other whipping device) is the preferred method of punishing. However, as anyone with children knows, sometimes a spanking is not the best method. Often, taking something away will have more of an impact.

I like to apply this same outlook with a slave. There are many instances where a paddling is not the most effective method for behavior modification. Sometimes, an act such as withholding time spent with her is a better choice. Of course, if one does not find pain to be attractive, then certainly he or she can be disciplined with a paddle. Again, it is best to try to select the best method for modifying one's behavior.

Another aspect of punishments is to ensure that the "punishment fits the crime". I see far to many Masters overreach in given situations. There is a big difference between disobedience and an error. People, including slaves, make mistakes. I think it is imperative that Master (Doms) know how to remain emotionally calm regardless of the situation. I feel that losing emotional control often leads to the crossing of the line into abuse.

A final point is "time". When issuing a punishment such as withholding time from one, it is crucial that it be for an acceptable period. This is another way that can get into abuse. Choosing to ignore a sub/slave for a month over something relatively inconsequential is not appropriate. We want to be always conscious that the action merits the consequences.

Remember, having a slave/sub learn the lesson that One is trying to teach is the most important thing. Through this, the behavior can be altered.

Freedom

This is something that I truly value in my life. It is one of my highest ideals. Part of my plan for the next year is to restructure aspects of my life to experience more of this. I guess there is something within me which does not like to conform to what society says is proper. Perhaps I have a quiet rebellious streak that I need to satisfy.

Society has a way of conditioning us to behave in certain ways. We are taught that marriage is the proper course to follow when you grow up. (I will leave the question whether it is between a man and a woman or other scenarios to others). Our culture teaches the traditional model which most people adhere to. Being one who followed their suggestions for a while, I can attest that this did not work for me. The concept of a vanilla lifestyle did not go well. In fact, I failed miserably at it.

For those who know of me, you are aware that I never married. However, I did replicate that idea by living with someone in a long term situation. We got so involved that the breakup required attorneys on both sides. Needless to say, this did not endear that ideal to me.

BDSM is something that I was in and out of for years. My first experience with it was over a decade ago. Being uncertain what I wanted for myself, I stayed in it until I met the "one". Of course, as soon as the "one" turned out not to be that, I drifted back into this way of life. That transpired for a number of years until the blowup that I just mentioned. At that time, I made the commitment that this is how I live my life.

What I love about the BDSM lifestyle is the freedom that goes along with it. Anyone can choose how they want to live. There are so many facets, styles, and cultures within BDSM, that one literally could go in a hundred different directions. Are you interested in the leather scene? Do you like the idea of M/s? Would you want to live as 24/7 or do you prefer the occasional scene? How extreme do you wish to go? Is this something that you want to implement just during sex or would you like more? The avenues one can pursue are endless.

To me, BDSM is all about freedom. I am not bound by the viewpoints of society. Their cultural ideals in terms of relationships mean nothing to me. I found the arena which I am most happy. This is the lifestyle that suits me. It is a way of life which fulfills my highest value in life. Now, if I could only get the rest of my life to follow suit.

Erotic Humiliation-Face Slapping

There is something about slapping someone in the face that is considered one of the ultimate acts of degradation in our society. We see this activity in movies all the time, usually when a man approaches a woman inappropriately. This is typically followed by a drink being thrown in his face. Nevertheless, that is Hollywood and might not accurately reflect society in general.

However, there is something about being slapped in the face which we find demeaning. I do not profess to understand why this is, yet going on this assumption led to wonderful results in my BDSM interaction. It is an action which can be used to heighten the mood of a scene.

Before going any further, I must mention the all important safety tip. When we mention slap, we are referring to the act of striking someone with an open hand. This is not a close fisted punch. The idea is to provide a bit of a sting without hurting the other person. I write this because many seem to lack commonsense.

There are many subs who will have their experience heightened when you add face slapping to your routine. As mentioned, there is something that is wonderful humiliating about being slapped in the face. This is even more powerful when you do it to one who is bound. The idea of being totally defenseless while being slapped provides intense pleasure for many.

What is the pleasure in this? Everything involved within BDSM has to do with feelings. It is the feelings behind any activity which O/one is after. This is true whether one is a Dom or sub. Sexual activity is done because of the way it feels. Everything has to do with the feelings associated with an act.

Subs want to experience the feeling of being controlled. Erotic humiliation is something that further enhances this concept. When One has the capability to degrade another, it shows the hierarchy of power. Slapping someone in the face at His or Her will exemplifies the position of control. Try to implement this the next time you want to increase the intensity of your BDSM scene.

What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.