Vulnerablility....A Key To Success

I want to thank all my regular readers for all your support throughout the years.  At this time, I especially want to give special recognition to those who took the time to email me while expressing how much my words touched them.  It is actions like that which allow me to proceed forward and attempt to put forth worthwhile information about this lifestyle that so many of us love dearly.

Over the years, I wrote numerous times for one to turn to her dom/master when weak.  One of the wonderful aspects of a BDSM relationship is that one is able to tap into the power of another when she is lacking.  During that time period, I was asked repeatedly what I do when I am weakened.  I never answered that question until now.  My solution is to turn within myself and go deeper.  It is my core where I find the strength I need to persevere.

At this time, I need to take a sabbatical and turn inward.  It is the only way I know to get my juice up after being drained.  My goal was always to give the best to my readers, whether there was only a single follower or 100,000.   As it stands now, I cannot do that.  Thus, I will be offline for a while delving deeper within myself to find out what is there.  I am not certain how long this will last, it might be a few weeks or it could be months.  What I can tell you is that I will share whatever breakthroughs I have when I do return to writing here.  In the meantime, I will do my best to leave you with a powerful post.

Bitch Slapped

Make no mistake, most all of us were bitch slapped. What do I mean by this?  There are few of us within this lifestyle who have not endured with heartbreak and misery.  Anyone who did anything online is apt to have met the "ideal" dom or sub only to find they disappeared after only a few weeks.  Or, how about the one who said all the right things to lure us in (emotionally as well as physically) only to turn out to be a total d**kbag?  We can have such high hopes only to witness them come crashing down upon us.  Unfortunately, this is part of the deal and we cannot avoid it.

Another simple fact is that this pain and misery is so well-known to us because it was what brought us to BDSM to start with.  Let us be clear, if we were successful in the vanilla world, the search into BDSM most likely would never started.  It was only through the pain of failed marriages or other relationships which open up our eyes to the fact that there might be something else out there for us.  I encountered many over the years who spent decades in a marriage only to conclude that he or she was completely unfulfilled.  Society said this was the path to happiness yet it was fleeting for that individual.  Ultimately, what started as the "happiest day of his/her life" turned into a total nightmare.  In the moment, this created a great deal of pain.  However, like many things in life, this travesty was turned into a positive by setting one on a path which was better aligned for that person.  And that path, my friends, is BDSM.

Which brings up the another source of crushing pain.  What happens when one finds his/her one within the lifestyle, and suddenly it is gone.  This can come in many different forms which model the vanilla world.  There is death, divorce (for those who marry their doms/subs), and good ole fashioned breakups.  What really sucks about these situations is that, as I consistently write about, BDSM relationships have the possibility of reaching depths which far exceed most of what is experienced in the vanilla world.  Hence, since we are talking about something that reaches the core of our being, the pain tends to be much worse.  Also, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub/slave comes to depend upon her dom/master for all while he turns to her for the emotional and psychological strength.  When that is gone, there is a major hole for both of them.  Sadly, rarely is it an agreed upon situation and one is left with the feeling of being rejected, cast aside, and with a beaten self worth.  Naturally, the longer and/or the more intense the relationship, the worse the emotional crush is.

Risk

I bring these points up to highlight the fact that none of us are unique in our experience here.  Almost everyone in BDSM felt the pain of a breakup.  Those who are depth seekers understand how much more emotional charged everything is with this type of relationship.  Ultimately, when ending, those feelings are also magnified.

So what does this all mean?  It is interesting to note how people deal with pain and the results of loss.  There is a common mourning process of course yet there are still major differences of how people behave thereafter.  One thing I do want to point out that life is about risk.  Driving our car is a risky proposition (especially in Florida when the snowbirds are down).  People fall in the bathtub all the time.  Hell, even getting out of bed contains a degree of risk to it.  Nothing we do in life is 100% safe.  There is always a chance we will get hurt in some way.

If this is the case, then why do we do it?  Well, using the bathtub as an example, there is a payoff for successful navigating that situation.  While there is a chance of a slip and fall, the thought of going days or weeks without bathing is too much.  There is a benefit for having good body hygiene.  Looking at driving, obviously we can forgo the car and walk or bike everywhere.  However, this involves risk (I know someone who was recently killed while riding on a bike path when a car lost control and swerved into him).  Plus, the idea of making a couple hundred mile trip (or even a 5 miles trip) on a bicycle means considerably more time than making it in a car.  Hence, most everyone drives in lieu of the risks associated with it.

One of the things I know about life is that it is guaranteed you will not hit the target with every shot you do NOT take.  No matter how good you are, how much you prepare, if you do not fire the gun, shoot the arrow, or pull back the slingshot, it is impossible to successfully hit what you are aiming at.  Sure, when you fire you might miss but isn't that the same result you get when you fail to take the shot?  I think you will agree that it is.

Vulnerability

Past experiences make us who we are today.  Unfortunately, this applies equally for both the good and the bad experiences.  What is sad is that few are able to take the negative experiences and turn them into a positive.  Instead, they carry with them the pain of the past which interrupts (negatively) their present.  How many times have we sabotaged something wonderful because of the pain associated with something similar from the past?  This is a common reaction especially if one was bitch slapped a number of times as most of us in BDSM were.  Closing off or shutting down is commonplace.

In short, people do not like to be vulnerable.  Because of past pain, they do whatever they can to protect themselves from being hurt again.  While I am all for safety and being sensible in our decisions, especially with so many predators and pretenders out there, there is a point where, when we find something true, we should open up.  This is extremely difficult for so many.  It quickly exits their comfort zone.  Hence, the person is very slow to remove those walls he or she erected.  These are safety mechanisms installed to fend off pain.  With these walls up, we are not as vulnerable as we might be if we let them down.

A BDSM relationship is about depth.  This is nothing new to my regular readers.  However, I am here to tell you straight up, depth involves risk.  If you are going to have a deep BDSM relationship, you will HAVE TO make yourself vulnerable.  There is no other way.  Open oneself up is a scary thought and the mind instantly places fear in the way.  However, following this thought process will only lead to the shallow.  We see so many in our day-to-day lives who are so wrapped up in fear that they miss the wonders of life.  Yes there is risk in making oneself vulnerable but that is where the payoff is.  If you truly want magical in your BDSM relationship, you are going to have to open up and put everything out there to that other person.  And yes, you are exposing yourself to a great deal of pain.  It is true that when you let go and free fall, you might end up splattered all over the ground.  However, there is also a chance you might find that there is someone at the bottom who catches you.

Since most all of us found ourselves in the position where we experienced a great deal of emotional pain from making ourselves vulnerable in some way, it also stands to reason that the same people find themselves at a crossroad at some point.  To give or not to.  Do I open myself up and expose myself to pain again?  Or do I close off while keeping those walls erected to protect myself from what I experienced before?  Well, the answer to these questions lies in the simple question: do you want something deep or are you content to reside in the shallow?  Remember, you cannot have depth in a BDSM relationship without making yourself vulnerable.  It is impossible.  In fact, being vulnerable to one's partner is one of the major keys for relationship success (yes it works both ways so do not think it is the subs only making themselves vulnerable). 

So back to the choice:  do you remain closed and shut down or open yourself up while being willing to free fall in hopes that a crash is not the outcome?  Personally, I found those who live life, truly live, have the willingness to put themselves out there to get the payoff.  Those who go through life in a conservative, closed off manner, end up with little.  Life simply is not geared that way.  My experience is that you will never find bliss being closed off, only regret.  Ironically, the quest to avoid pain ultimately creates more pain.  Remember this the next time you feel yourself shutting down emotionally, especially with your BDSM partner.

And with that, it is time for me to get on my high dive and do the free fall within myself to see what I can uncover.  I will see you again when I re-emerge.  Be safe out there and keep the pretenders in line while I am gone.

DN 

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Perfect Master?

Perfectionism is an ideal and one that is unattainable.  It is a state of mind which truly does NOT exist in the physical world.  Everything, especially people, are flawed.  They have good points and bad ones.  There is always something that someone can improve or change.  Life is really a never ending agenda of us bettering ourselves.  That is why the "educational" process continues until the day we die.

Too many seem to believe the perfect master exists out there.  In reading profiles as I scour the web, I realized that there is a segment of the BDSM population seeking perfection.  This creates a problem since they are realistically chasing after a ghost.  Figments of the imagination are never fulfilled since they are illusions.  Waiting for the perfect master to come along is an exercise in futility.  That is probably why so many are miserable.

Hopefully, when you are done reading this, you will have a different viewpoint.

What Do You Want?

Those who regularly read my writings know that everything in the BDSM world begins with the inner search.  To start the process, one needs to ask what he or she wants.  It is common for newer people to be like the proverbial "kids in a candy store" seeing all possibilities are feasible while not knowing which direction to go in.  It is a basic fact that when no choices are eliminated, overwhelm is likely.  The vanilla world does the filtering for us by having its lists of dos and do nots.  BDSM is not that way.  We have to self-filter since creating a relationship however you want it structured (and containing whatever you desire in it) is the norm.

Therefore, we must kick start things by determining what it is that you want.  What are the qualities or traits you desire?  You can start with the physical attributes and move from there.  Many people seem to feel that focusing at this level is rather shallow.  While much of my writing has to do with depth, I am the first to admit that some type of physical attraction needs to exist for a relationship to excel.  Certainly, one does not need to hold out for a super model type (or perhaps he or she does).  However, most of us are visually stimulated in some way thus desiring one who physically appeals to us.

Hence we assemble a list of what is the perfect master for us (this works for slaves also):

Just off the top of my head, this is what he might look like.

-Handsome with a captivating voice.
-Body in great physical condition
-Knowledgeable in all type of BDSM play.
-Caring and compassionate
-Firm and strict when he needs to be
-A great dresser
-Honest but judicious in what he says
-Marvelously funny
-Money oozing out of every pore
-A great conversationalist exhibiting intelligence in a wide range of areas.
-Courageous in all situations.
-Humble and down to earth.
-Attentive while remaining focused upon what is important.
-A leader who continually plans the course of your life together.
-The ability to make his slave feel like she is at the center of the universe.
-A strong jaw
-Sex drive that would make a porn start blush with the equipment to fulfill it.
-Loves NASCAR (or hates NASCAR)..whichever applies
-And finally, a butt that can crack a walnut.

How do you feel about this list?  Did I miss much?  This gives us a good basis upon which to find out perfect master.  However, as I stated above, this is an illusion.  So what do we do?

Ideal Master

Instead of seeking out the perfect master, it is best for one to look for the ideal master.  Now, this brings up the question what the heck is an ideal master?   Basically, an ideal master is one who hits many of the traits listed in her perfect master list (above in our example).  In short, it is the ideal person for that particular slave.  It is always important to remember we are talking about a relationship, hence compatibility is important.  So many over look this simple concept.  If two people do not align in their likes and dislikes, long term success in their relationship usually is not going to occur.

Getting back to the topic, one must search out the person who is ideal for her.  As we all know, this can take some time and effort.  Rarely do we hit upon the person at the first attempt.  To use another cliche, we need to kiss a lot of frogs before we find the prince.  Nevertheless, if one has an idea about what she seeks initially, she can eliminate a host of mistakes (i.e. pretenders and fakes) right off the bat.  Many of the qualities she seeks will not be present upon initial contact.  In this instance, simply move on.

Another aspect of the ideal master concept is that eliminating perfection from the equation is fundamental to long term success in a relationship.  Too many are shocked when the fairy tale is burst via reality hitting.  When one puts a master (or any other human) on a pedestal, he or she apt to experience disappointment.  The universal truth is people are flawed including masters.  Mistakes are made.  Sadly, our slave is crushed when she realizes her master actually farts, makes mistakes, has a temper, or can be a bit pissy at times.  Remember, he is not perfect no matter how much he acts it online.  The most likely scenario is whatever flaws exist within you are also contained in him.  People are people no matter what side of the power exchange coin they fall.

Focus upon this and I believe you will have greater success in the BDSM world.  Give up the idea of perfection and seek someone who is ideal for you.  Keep in mind what is ideal for one is not the case for another.  We all have different needs and desires which not everyone can fulfill.  Focus upon what is within your core while being important to you.  There is someone out there who will match up with you on most of the things you hold dear.  However, there are also a ton of people who are a mismatch and best avoided unless you desire the experience of pain (the kind even the painsluts detest).

As always, be safe out there.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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Stupid Dominant Bulls**t

I figured I would write a post about something that I see far too often yet is so common that it appears to be "the way things are".   It is really sad that so many exist with this mindset.  Also, my conclusion is that the idiots seem to be passing this stupidity around like a virus.  Hopefully, some will read this and begin to understand how asinine what is taking place truly is.

Two-Way Street

BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!

BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!

BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!

Did you get that?  I will write it again for all you dominants/masters out there who might be a bit slow in the mental department.  BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO WAY STREET!!!  Do you understand what that truly means?  Far too many dominants seem to think that a BDSM relationship is all about them.  It is not.  Just by its definition, a relationship entails two people both who have needs and expectations which are to be met.  As you can guess, this simple fact eludes so many in the BDSM world.  If you would like to have a serious BDSM relationship, it is to your benefit to take note of what I am going to write here.

Before going any further, I will state that a central premise about success in the BDSM world in terms of relationships is contained in the idea of caring.  It helps if you care about the other person.  The tendency, from my experience, is to look at a submissive as something less than.  Many dominants feel that a submissive is beneath them, ergo one to be treated as he sees fit.  While this is within the realm of his authority, it is a very bad approach. 

Fulfillment

Have you ever considered why a submissive person enters the world of BDSM?  Take a moment to think about that.  Why would anyone deal with the garbage that is online and go through the b.s of dealing with a ton of ignorant emails?  Sure, some are total masochists but even the pain sluts detest this part of the lifestyle.  And contrary to what some believe, a submissive does not enter BDSM because she had no options in the vanilla world.  In fact, as most decent minded people know, it is far easier for a female to get laid than a male on average.  Hence, there must be another reason why she puts up with all the bullcrap we see online.

The answer lies in the concept of fulfillment.  Almost everyone who enters the BDSM world does so because they were unfulfilled in the vanilla world.  We found relationships of this sort leaving a void within us.  Even when we were involved with someone who was "cool", the relationship ended.  Why did this happen?  Quite simple the relationship did not fill an inner need within that person.

Therefore, and this is important, always remember that a sub/slave entered the BDSM world to be fulfilled.  Since she found the vanilla world lacking, her choice to align herself with a lifestyle which better matches her core is a step forward.  However, this is not the end of it.  Simply being involved in BDSM is not enough.  She seeks to find that person who will fulfill her.  Yes, believe it or not, even the most outlandish slave seeks fulfillment.  This fundamental fact is overlooked by the majority of dominants to their own detriment.  If a relationship is going to enjoy long-term success, her needs MUST be met.  Failure to do so WILL result in the ending of the relationship if your sub/slave has any self worth whatsoever.

What You Can Do For Her

 I am going to write something that will blow most readers minds based upon the mindset out there.  Yet, this idea is critical for all to grasp.

A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!

A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!

 A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!

I again wrote it three times for those who are learning impaired.  A slave is not entering into a relationship with you so that she can serve your sexual needs and be put in the corner.  She is not there to be used without regard to what she needs.  Her fulfillment does not come solely from serving you or waiting on you hand and foot.  People who think this are self-absorbed fools.  A slave is a person with needs that are to be met if she is to be fulfilled and, many doms will be floored by this,  your domination is enough to meet that end.

So, the question is what can you do for your slave?  Why should she even entertain being with you another second?  Do you fulfill her?  Are you even aware of what she requires to attain fulfillment (probably not)?  What needs of hers are you not meeting?

The answers to these questions are of great importance.  Before going any further, I must state that these questions have nothing to do with sex.  I talked with enough women over the years to know that, trust me, your cum does not taste all that magical.  Nor is your c**k that overly impressive even if you are hung like John Holmes.  A slave requires a lot more than you filling her with your man juice and then having her cook dinner. Just having her serve you without regard of what you give her is a recipe for having her exit the relationship at some point.  This happens everyday yet so many are foolish enough to think that it will not happen to them.

What Does She Want?

This brings us to the next question: what does she want?  Obviously, this is going to vary from person-to-person.  Nevertheless, there are some basic traits which all submissives want stroked if they are going to be fulfilled.  Naturally, the best approach is not to deal in generalities but to actually talk to your slave and ask her what she needs.  By doing this, you actually accomplish a great deal since you showed you actually care.

Slaves are human.  They are people.  Their feelings are the same as everyone else out there.  Showing her you care goes a long way to her being fulfilled.  Everyone wants to feel valued.  No matter what the kink or how your relationship is structured, she wants to know that you value what she does.  At the same time, it is a cold, hard world out there.  A slave wants to know she is protected.  The very act of submission makes one extremely vulnerable.  This means that not only does she need protection from the outside world but also from the one who has entered her psyche (if you are capable of doing that).  She needs to know, deep down, that you are not going to take her trust and turn it around on her.  It is common for a slave to have suffered greatly in her life at the hands of parents, boyfriends, and husbands.  This leads to one having the proverbial baggage which a dominant must help her unload.  This requires open communication to allow her to share the pain in an effort to get past it.  Unfortunately, too many dominants take this information and use it to degrade her which is not healthy.  This will only cause her to close off even more (if she even stays).

A slave also needs to grow.  It is a central part of nature that something is either in the growth or the dying stage.  There is no in between.  As humans, through education, experience, and expansion, we have the ability to continually grow until the last breath leaves our bodies. A slave is no different.  She looks to her master to assist in helping her grow.  Of course, for this to equal success in BDSM, the master needs to ensure he is growing or face the reality that his slave outgrew him.  This is a viewpoint that many cannot confront hence why they try to stifle what they own.  This is unhealthy on so many different levels.  If you are too lazy or inept to maintain your own expansion as a master, then you do not belong in the position of ownership.  With power comes responsibility.  A true master does not operate from the do as I say perspective but, rather, from one of leadership.  He takes charge, rushes to the front of the line, and expects his slave to follow. 

In short, a dom/master has one battle on his hands:  he is pitted face-to-face with her fears.  This is his enemy and the one that he needs to stamp out.  Because of past experiences, many which are negative, a slave's mind will erect a host of barriers to protect herself.  The mind always wants the status quo and fear is the tool used to maintain it.  These fears prohibit growth and closeness.  They cause one to shut down.  Ultimately, this a cancer which eats away at her and the relationship.  Therefore, a dominant needs to exhibit strength and patience to stand in there and fight this battle.  His slave wants to give all of herself yet she is incapable with fear running through her.  The removal of this is a master's greatest challenge but also the key to unlocking all that is within her.  If you truly want to dominate another, forget the strapping her to the bed and using her holes until you cum; that is child's play.  True domination is the ability to help her face her fears head on and get past them.   Too many succumb to the desire to run.  A master does not allow this.  Instead, he allows her to tap into his strength and get past what is blocking her.  This requires the true art of mastery because the last thing she wants to do is deal with this issue.  However, it is also where the growth opportunities lie.

Stupid Dominant Bulls**t

In closing, I will state that the idea that a slave's happiness comes from her master being happy is total bulls**t.  Anyone who believes this is a total fool.  This is online garbage at its finest.  Any submissive who sees this written by a dominant needs to run the other way.  This is an example that you are dealing with someone completely clueless.  A BDSM relationship is NOT a one-way street.  Each person enters the relationship with needs and desires which MUST be met.  Uncovering these needs is vitally important if any long-term success is to result.

One final note, please understand the difference between what she needs and what she will do.  Just because she will hang from the ceiling fan while you allow your friends to use her, that does not mean her needs are being met.  Too many question a perspective sub/slave about what she will do (sexually) without considering what her needs are.  Take some of those questions I wrote above and ask them to her.  I guarantee you will instantly separate from the other so called dominants she is chatting with (and yes she is chatting with others).

To all, as always, be safe.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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Protocol: Does It Match?

Today I am going to cover a simple topic but one that impacts BDSM relationships everyday.  The sad part is that this particular issue destroys relationships daily yet few even consider it before entering into an arrangement with another person.  On this one I speak from experience since I did not ponder the possibilities for years.  It is only recently, in chatting with those in relationships where there is a mismatch, that I came to understand the depth of this single topic.

Protocol

Protocol is something that you hear thrown about within the lifestyle but few really take the time to understand what it really means.  Basically, there are both high and low protocol environments in addition to a blending of the two.  Oftentimes, the circumstances dictate which is the appropriate approach although many masters insist upon one or the other in their everyday lives.

In simple terms, high protocol is a extremely rigid environment.  It is one where a sub or slave operates continually under tight standards.  Each action is scripted according to a protocol that is designed for such purposes.  How she enters a room, where she stands, who she interacts with, and a host of other things are all scripted and practiced.  One is expected to know exactly how to behave in each instance.  Clothing and accessories are also covered under this realm. 

The most noted approach within this arena is the Gorean lifestyle based upon the science fiction series written by John Norman in the 1970s.  In his publications, everything is written down with lists explaining everything a slave needs to know.  It even covers the basics of kneeling, how to do it appropriately, and which position is used at what times.    

To excel in this arena requires study by both the master and slave.  For many, it requires years of study to excel in this arena.  This is not a path for those who are unwilling to put in the effort required to attain functionality.  For those who are inclined to follow this direction, it can be a very rewarding choice.

In contrast, as you can guess, low protocol is the exact opposite.  Instead of every action being scripted, one who operates under this outlook is offered more flexibility.  Under such conditions, a sub/slave is given more latitude in how things are done.  Basically, she is issued the desires of the master and it is up to her to determine how it gets accomplished.  At the same time, the interaction with master will be less formal as compared to the high protocol environment.

I must mention that one path is not necessarily better than the other.  In fact, many blend the two protocols together.  There are times when a master/slave will be informal while others, formality is preferred.  This certainly is the case in the presence of other masters and slaves.  That being said, I equate this to the difference between micromanagement verses a more macro approach.  Both can be effective in the right environment with the proper participants.

Individuality

One of the problem with the BDSM community is that too many people feel there is a one size fits all approach.  As I travel around the Internet and chat with subs/slaves, I am stunned at the ignorance on the part of the dominants (not really, nothing they do surprises me).  So many are out there demanding respect and honor (mistake number 1) while automatically assuming that one will fit into his mode of operation.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave needs to be looked at as an individual to determine what her needs are.

As I stated in the open, this is a topic which destroys so many relationships yet people are completely unaware that it takes place.  The basic fact is that someone who is in need of high protocol will not do well with someone who is the exact opposite.  I found the reverse is also true.

I cannot tell you the number of situations I come across where a relationship is falling apart and both parties are totally ignorant as to the cause.  In short, the two people were incompatible with each other on this foundational premise.  They took the proper steps to review what each brought to the table in terms of the domination and submission.  In addition, they might have even taken the step to consider their mutual likes/dislikes outside the bedroom.  However, they did not delve into what each thought about protocol and the needs of each there.

The bottom line is a sub/slave who desires high protocol will be left empty if she receives anything less.  At the same time, take a girl who is suited for a low protocol environment, put her in high protocol, and watch her eyes roll.  She will get bored very easily.  Her core desires a different type of stimulation that is not provided in this approach.

I found a clear indicator is when a slave says something to the effect "my Master never trained me".  This tells me I am talking with one who requires high protocol.  She is in need of being shown and focusing her energy upon protocols which will make him happy.  The fact is that when a master shows/tells a slave what he wants, that is in essence training.  He is teaching her what he expects and desires.  However, this particular slave does not feel she is in service unless living under eye contact restrictions, required to kneel in certain ways at different times, and having her clothing chosen for her.  To her, this is servitude, submission, and being owned.

On the flip side, we see an indication of where someone is in terms of the protocol needed when she posts something such as "I am seeking someone who is able to have a 'vanilla' relationship outside the bedroom".  What this person is saying is she still wants to maintain the proper control outside as well as inside the bedroom.  However, she is not seeking to live a high protocol which many equate to being fully immersed within the lifestyle.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Just because two people understand that we exist within the real world and choose to structure their interactions within that framework, that does not mean they are not immersed in BDSM anymore than someone walking around in leather 24/7 is automatically in the lifestyle.  An individual of this sort wants to interact with her dom/master in a way that does not alert friends and family members to her choice.  Again, I stress that this does not mean the control or power exchange changes one bit.

In closing, I want to emphasize how important it is to resist the notion that one of these approaches is better than the other.  They are not.  Slavery and submission mean different things depending upon the individuals involved.  The central thread is always the exchange of power.  How that manifests in terms of the interaction between the two and what is required for one to feel "owned" will vary.  Some require the high protocol.  As stated, if this individual is involved with someone who is not this, problems will arise.  She will be looking for the "micromanagement" while he is more apt to create a broad outline for her to operate within.  She will grow frustrated with his lack of attention to her "training" while he will get upset about her badgering.  Of course, neither individual is wrong.  It simply is a matter that these two are incompatible with each other on this central matter.  She is better off with a master who is into the high protocol scene and him with someone who excels in a low protocol environment. 

Therefore, in closing, take a look at this concept in your relationship.  Is this a cause of a great deal of turmoil for the both of you?  Perhaps you simply are ill-suited for each other.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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The "Under Consideration" Game

We see many things which once had meaning now used for the online antics of the pretenders and wannabes.  The BDSM world changed dramatically with the advent of the Internet.  As most of you know, I believe this was a "double-edged" sword.   While it did allow more people access to information about the lifestyle i.e. moving it from underground to more of a mainstream idea, it also gave any fool with a keyboard and a username the ability to do serious harm.  Hence, we are left with a situation that looks like the wild west.

Under Consideration

In the past, slaves feel into one of three categories.  Either she was owned, unowned, or under consideration.  The first two are fairly obvious but the third tends to create some confusion.  Thus, I will do my best to explain it while contrasting this concept with what is occurring online now.

We must start with understanding what the BDSM world was like before the world wide web.  Year ago, when BDSM was underground, the only way to gain entry was to be "sponsored" in.  What this meant is someone had to validate you and basically state that he/she would be responsible for you.  Remember, BDSM was an extremely closed world.  There were no pretenders to deal with since everyone was real.  Gatherings contained only people who were true to the lifestyle.  Advertising of these events was not done with much fanfare other than the placing of a one line ad in a local rag publication.  Hence we had a situation where everyone who was participating was either a slave or master.

I also uncovered over the years the concept that a slave is never truly unowned.  What I mean by this is that she, when not directly owned by someone, was "owned" by the lifestyle.  She served in whatever manner she could, wherever she could.  There was no option of leaving the lifestyle to go vanilla.  Instead, she simply spent time in this state of service until a master took an interest in her.

As you can tell, service is a big part of her makeup.  At these gatherings, the slaves served the masters.  The protocol was very simple and clear cut.  Those who were owned obviously only served their owners but the unowned crowd was responsible to all the masters.  Again, the lifestyle owned them.  There service was expected to any master in whatever capacity was required.  Now remember, everyone involved was real so her "submission" in the service sense was to someone genuine, not a pretender.

Which brings us to the "under consideration" banner.  Where did this fit in?  When one caught the attention of a particular master, she was placed under consideration.  This meant that she was removed from the service of all masters for the duration that she was assigned this status.  During this time period, the master determined if she was going to fit in his house.  If it was a multi-slave household, he might need to consider logistics and personalities.  On the other hand, if no existing slaves, he would ponder how she fit into his life and issues of compatibility.  In other words, it was a form of a courting process.

Once the master made his decision, either she became owned or was placed back into the unowned category and went back to the service of all.  The point is that the reason for this designation was to uncover information about how well she would fit into what he was seeking.  It was a time period meant to reveal what was unknown to him so that he could make an informed decision.  There was no question that he was a master and worthy of her service.  At the same time, her being a slave is never questioned.

Online Games

Which brings us to BDSM in the online world.  As I travel around, I see a number of profiles stating "under consideration" or "under consideration of ___________".  So what is the process that we commonly see within this realm?  Please note it was mentioned above that the under consideration designation was given while one determined if/where a slave fit into his plans.  There was a specific purpose for this move.

As you can guess, the online world engages in a behavior much different.  My research reveals that this is a tactic used by the pretenders as opposed to those who are seeking something real.  Often, the "dominant" starts the process very early on without establishing an acceptable level of trust.  Also, this individual has no clear plan or outline of what he is looking for.  Why is the process taking place?  What does he hope to accomplish?  Does he have an end goal in mind?  What are the criteria he is using to make the decision?  Is it known what will result in being owned versus remaining unowned?

I found out that most have no clue to the answers of any of those questions.  Instead, the dingbats online put the subs/slaves through stupid tricks like a dog.  Based upon the things that submissives were made to do, I can reasonably conclude the dominants are not seeking to learn anything.  The under consideration period is not utilized to learn about the other person and where she will fit in.  Rather, she is assigned tasks like take a picture of yourself masturbating or pull your skirt up at work and show your panties to a co-worker.  While none of these fruitloops never think of the potential ramifications of their actions, what is sad is they are putting one in jeopardy without even owning her.  Of course, it is even sadder that the submissives even listen to this nonsense but they know no other way.

Again, the under consideration period is meant to uncover information about the other person.  To do this, one needs to know what he is seeking.  To determine where a submissive fits requires some attention which is not done by the group that likes to cut/paste messages to hundreds of subs/slaves on a website.

Therefore, if you find that you are dealing with someone who says he is going to put you "under consideration", I would ask a couple questions.

1. What is the time frame that he expects you to remain under this designation?
2. What criteria is he using to base his decision?
3. What is he seeking to learn from you?
4. What is the purpose of each action he is requiring and how does it fit into his overall decision?
5. How does he feel about the area you designate off limits during the consideration period (yes you have the right to designate things off limits such as work..you are not owned at this point)?

BDSM and the interaction, contrary to the idiots' view, is a two way street.  During the under consideration period, it is perfectly acceptable to tell the so-called dominant to go fly a kite.  You are under no obligation to obey all that he says...he is NOT your master as of now.  He needs to impress you as much as you need to impress him.  If he is into nothing more than stupid dog tricks (roll over and show me your panties crap), then ask him flat out what he hopes to learn by you doing that.  If he replies that he is testing your obedience, then ask him when you get to test him on his ability to protect you.  Remember, if he is not willing to honor some of your off limit areas, then how much is he willing to protect you from danger?  Do you really think a dominant who makes you do something at work which could jeopardize your career is really into protecting you?

In closing, the under consideration technique is a wonderful way to learn about another person while removing her from the "marketplace".  In the old days it took her "off the floor".  Now it basically removes a profile from being attacked by most of the sensible doms out there.  However, if you do find the one you are under consideration to is starting with the stupid crap, ask him a few questions and then tell him to get lost.  There is no reason for you to engage in these activities.  The under consideration process should contain legitimate questions which pertain to your potential service to him.  Having a co-worker take a picture of your panties to prove your obedience accomplishes nothing while only putting yourself at risk.  Do not engage in this practice.  Anyone who is real will understand your reasoning. 

DN  

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Slavery...A Negative Connotation

Everything we do is based upon consent.  Let me state that again.:  EVERYTHING we do is  based upon consent.

This is what separates BDSM from a lifestyle of abuse.  BDSM is about the fulfillment of both parties through varies activities which are in accordance to their core.  Although some of the practices look abusive from the outside, they, in fact, when administered properly and under the right conditions, are designed to heighten the experience of the individuals involved.  So, while it looks abusive from the outside (and to the non-knowing), it is really enjoyed by the parties involved. 

Slavery

Slavery is a practice which is rather ironic.  While it is a deplorable practice, non-BDSM slavery that is, it is something that is ever-present.  Mankind, the most advanced animal in the world, is also the most barbaric.  Slavery is something that was always in existence in one form or another.  Throughout history, conquering forces enslaved the population of those they conquered.  This is how kingdoms expanded and empires arose.  Whatever the era in our history, we see slavery as a basis.  Even today, we see its existence in the many forms it takes.

Now, I am not writing this as an endorsement of what occurs  Obviously, we are dealing with a situation which is 100% non-consensual.  Slaves were treated like sub-human creatures in deplorable and unsafe conditions.  However, the point that I am making is simply that this is something that appears to be a condition of mankind.  It also presents the imagery we have in our minds when we think of the terms "slavery".

As you can guess, with such a horrific view of something, why would anyone in their right mind choose to follow that path?  What would make someone willing choose to live as a "slave" when it is one of abuse and terror?  The answer lies in the fact that "slavery" as presented in the BDSM world, is a totally different concept.  While there are similarities to "real-world slavery", the truth is the practice does not really match.

Before going any further, I will point out that on this subject, as most I write about, there is a certain segment of abusers out there who will take everything and twist it for their purposes.  While this is something we need to deal with, the truth is the Internet enables any fool with a keyboard and a username to become whomever he/she wants.  Unfortunately, this opened the pathway for all those who want to simply use and abuse in a hurtful way for their own ends.  These people are no different than those who enslaved in the past.  An abuser is an abuser no matter how he or she is dressed up.

Submission

Everything starts with the identification of a characteristic within oneself to submit.  I am a believer of people going deep within themselves to find their core.  Once this is done, the natural traits of domination and submission are recognized.  This is something that is discovered or uncovered within oneself.  It is an ever-present characteristic often showing up at an early age although the individual most likely did not recognize it at the time.  Therefore, when someone refers to her submission, this is a natural trait as opposed to something that was decided upon.

The decision comes in following this trait and making it a centerpiece of one's life.  Now, I use the word centerpiece because I do not believe this is something one picks up and puts down.  A person who is submissive is simply submissive.  Sure, this person can assume a dominant role in a situation where it is required such as work or parenting.  However, the natural "calling" always moves towards the submission.  One is inherent in this individual while the other is a role that one assumes.   An individual's ultimate fulfillment is dependent upon the following of what is located deep down in her core.

Many enter the lifestyle aware of this.  They did enough internal searching to realize that, indeed, submissiveness is present.  Most likely, looking back over her life, there is a degree of it that is noticeable in many interactions.  Also, when it comes to "romantic" relationships, one understands that there was a desire or craving for more, something that often went unfulfilled.  Hence, our new person embarks upon her journey into the BDSM world.

At this point, I am going to state a simple point that many, especially online, seem to overlook.  Someone who is submissive desires to submit.  Think about that for a second.  This individual wants to cede control over to someone.  As I just stated, it is natural for her.  There is no effort required.  It is not forced.  In fact, it is most likely beyond her to stop it.  She needs to submit like she needs to breathe.  It is an automatic response in her.  I read about so many who try to pressure and force one to submit.  This is an abusive practice.  If one is truly dominant and real, one who is truly submissive cannot help herself but to submit.  It is what she craves.  The caveat is that both be are truly what they proclaim.

Disclaimer time.....for all my abusive readers out there...just because someone desires to submit does not mean she will submit to YOU.  Those who are submissive are not brainless, out of control emotionally boobs.  They are individuals who have the ability to reason, think, and control themselves.  Simply because the urge is strong within her, that does not mean she will take any fool who comes along.  Criteria needs to be met.  Also, your expectation that she is yours is misplaced.  Nobody with any sense is going to submit simply because you send an email or two stating you are dominant and she needs to listen.  Please try to get a clue about what is going on.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Therefore, one enters the lifestyle as a submissive person with the desire to submit.  This is how she is going to opt to structure her relationship and her goal is to find someone who completes the other side of the equation, i.e. is dominant.

 Power Exchange

The foundational basis for the BDSM relationship is the exchange of power.  Unlike "vanilla" or traditional relationships, BDSM makes no pretense of equality in the relationship.  In this realm, the power breakdown is in favor of the dominant.  That is really what submission means: turning power and control over one to another.  It is a rather simple concept yet confuses so many.

Now, when we look at the natural craving withing a submission person, what do you think her desires tell her?  Obviously, give up control is what rings true with her.  So, why do we have so many who are hesitant and resist?  In other words, why do so many hedge their thought process?

The answer to this lies in the fact that so many dominants out there are complete idiots.  A submissive craves submission.  She wants this more than anything else.  It is a need just like breathing.  Does one desire to breathe only part way?  Of course not.  Then why would anyone believe that she wants to submit half way?  My conclusion is that, while she does not, real world observations necessitate this.  The stories are many of how morons used the guise of BDSM to abuse another.  Word spreads quickly when one takes advantage of a sub's trust and totally destroys her.  There is not only the physical abuse but cases of extreme mental and psychological.  Again, this is not part of the consensual lifestyle deal yet it does happen and submissive ones are very aware of this.

At the same time, there are many, while not abusers, who are clearly unworthy or irresponsible with power.  They have little control over their own lives yet insist upon running another.  These individual like to operate from the "do as I say not as I do" platform.  Unfortunately, this outlook makes for a terrible leader which is what a dominant/master truly is (or should be).

Finally, many D-types (not sure I like that word...sounds pretty stupid) are arrogant know-it-alls.  They believe that everything is their business when it pertains to one under his control.  Sure, ownership comes with having access to all that is going on in one's life.  However, be real about things.  There are certain situations which might be none of your business and is best if you keep your opinion to yourself.  For example, she might have a successful career that she excels at.  For you to but in and tell her what to do could result in damage.  Another situation is if she has kids.  Unless they are your kids, you have little say especially if they have a father.  What is interesting is that if you look at those who are within the lifestyle, many of them were crappy dads to their kids yet they want to tell someone else how to parent.  This is where some self-appraisal is required to determine where your weaknesses reside.  Nobody is good at everything so just own up that it is not your area of expertise and cede to your submissive.  This does not make you any less dominant, just realistic.

Totality

This brings us to the final point that I want to make today.  Slavery is looked upon as extreme.  The exchange of power is total and complete.  It is not a partial breakdown.  However, as I mentioned before, I do not believe submissive persons want a partial breakdown.  What they want is someone they can trust who is not a complete fool and will consistently look after her best interest (read that again all my abusing friends...it is not a one-way street nor is it all about you).  A submissive craves giving over the control and really does not want that censored.  But again, fear, practicality, and realism based upon observation prohibit that in most instances.

Therefore, when I think of slavery, I consider it more to be a totality of the power exchange as opposed to extreme.  Being a slave means nothing more than one who decided to give full control over to her dominant.  That is all.  It is a power breakdown that is complete.  Again, if one is truly submissive, is this not what she wants if she can find one who can be responsible and trustworthy with that power?  My answer is I believe that is the case.

Now we encounter the conflict.  As I mentioned in the open, for obvious reason, slavery has a negative connotation in our mental imagery.  We need only look through photos or drawings depicting what people who were slaves endured.  It is not a pretty sight.  We couple this with the horror stories we hear about from the abusers in the lifestyle and it is easy to see why one holds back.  Simply put, slaves are looked down upon for a variety of reasons.

At this point I will state that much of what is out there is true.  Are slaves abused in some instances?  Yes they are.  Do many look down upon them with arrogance and contempt?  That happens also.  Are some slaves whipped, beaten, and treated like dogs?  I have to state that takes place. 

But a much bigger question is "are slaves less than"?  Are they individuals who are not to be respected?  My answer is no.  Slaves are not less than.  They are not individuals who are without esteem.  In fact, within the lifestyle, they are the individuals who are most worthy of respect.  A slave is an individual who consents to giving full power over to another.  She is acting out in accordance with her core in totality.  Within this dynamic, she is holding nothing back from her dominant.  Her life and control over it is being trustfully (hopefully not misplaced) in his hands.  She is not approaching this in a half-assed way.  In other words, she is all in.  So I ask you, what is not respectable about that?  Why should anyone be degraded for living in this manner?  I seriously would like an email if someone can answer these questions to the contrary.

The simple truth is a slave is someone who decided to completely live according to what her core is telling her AND spent the time and effort to learn to live in this manner.  I add the second part because simply because one decides to go all in does not mean she is worthy of being titled "slave".  There are lessons to be learned, experiences had, and knowledge to be gained.  This is what takes one from the state of being "untrained" to "trained".  Of course, like everything else in BDSM, this is an ongoing process that goes that lasts the rest of our lives. 

So it is time for everyone to rethink what the term "slave" means in the BDSM world.  It begins with the understanding that it is a consensual relationship decision.  It is made by an individual who is committed to living out what is at her core and giving all of herself to her partner.  She desires to serve him in every way she can completely and to live for his pleasure and benefit.  In return, she seeks to be held in esteem, protected, and interacted in ways which enhance and fulfill her.  This interaction takes on many forms and is not the same for each individual.  Simply because one is a slave, that does not mean she is open to abuse, pain, and total degradation.  If that is her thing and something agreed upon, then so be it.  But do not presume that all want to live that way.  Finally, a slave is someone who dedicates the time and effort to learning what it means to live this way.

So in closing, in the world of consent, slavery as it is in BDSM, does not carry a negative connotation.

DN

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Expect The Bulls**t

We all know the stories about the online BDSM community and the challenges that anyone who is looking for something real encounters.  One only needs to read a few profiles before coming across someone posting his or her frustration at the games that are played.  As sad as it is, this is a reality that all of us face when dealing in this arena.  In my years in this lifestyle and the later part engaging online, I found that there is no way around it.  The online world is just too easy for the pretenders, stalkers, and bullshi**ers to excel.  They will be an ongoing presence.

So how do we deal with this?

To me, it starts with expectations.  It is hard to be disappointed if you do not have much in the way of expectations.  If you think about it, disappointment is experienced when our reality fails to meet our expectations.  In this particular instance, we start to create expectations upon a person (profile and characters on a screen) that we encounter only to be disappointed when things do not work out as we pictured in our mind.

Over the years, I concluded that 50% of the "people" you meet in the online BDSM world are outright fakes.  This is a number that surprises some people but it is my assessment after going through thousands and thousands of profiles while having hundreds (if not more) "conversations" with people.  This group of people includes all the scammers (yes I had the im chats with those who need money for the sick grandmother) who are out to separate people from their wallets.  We also find those ever so wonderful people who pretend to be looking for someone when, in reality, they are only seeking to liven up their life while the hubby is at work or the wife is elsewhere.  Instead of watching porn, they seek to have an interactive fantasy with someone else.  What is disheartening about this is, most times, the person on the other side believes it to be true.  Finally, we find the picture gatherers and other assorted segments of humanity like those who are male but state to be a woman.

Therefore, you can eliminate 1/2 the people you find online as being nothing like they proclaim.  That leaves us with the other half which, when you consider the scope of the Internet, is still a lot of people.

But hold on a second, these numbers start to dwindle down even more.  Of the remaining, I venture to say 80% (40% of the original total) are real but not genuine.  What do I mean by this?  Well, these individual are real in the sense that a male is a male and a woman a woman.  When the person says he/she is single, that is true.  The location professed is reasonable close.  All this is real.  However, they lack the genuineness required for whatever reason (and it can be many).  Perhaps the person claims to be looking for something long term when sex is only sought.  One professes to be a master when, in fact, he only researched it for the last few months.  Another common occurrence is that one is new and really does not know what he or she desires or is interested in.  It is easy to state something at first only to realize the opposite is true.  I will suggest to everyone remember that the online world is full of "tire kickers" who can blow in and out of the lifestyle.  While we welcome everyone, it is good to be mindful of these types until a person gets some idea of what it is all about before giving too much trust.  Failure to do this will most likely result in disappointment.

As you can see from these numbers, once we eliminate the non-real and not genuine, we are left with about 10% of the entire online BDSM community.  Again, in terms of numbers, this is large.  However, this number, too, is dwindled.  Now we begin to eliminate all that do not fit.  We start be crossing off the homosexual individuals for those who are heterosexual and vice versa.  The profiles where one is seeking a couple is not a candidate for a single person.  Then we have the qualifications based upon age, color, height, weight, and location to contend with.  Many will not match.  Finally, we eliminate the profiles of people who are already involved with someone and not really looking.  This leaves us with a rather small pool from which to deal with.

If you read this far, I am sure you are depressed.  Yes the numbers do get depressing yet I am telling you nothing new.  Anyone who spent time online understands this, hence the frustration posts about all the fakes and game players.  My goal here is not to rub you nose in it but, rather, awaken you to the fact that your disappoint is based upon your expectation.  The simple truth is the numbers are stacked against you and it is a "needle in the haystack" search.  That is not to say it is impossible because it is not.  However, a lot of frogs are going to be kissed in the process.  Come to expect it.  The likelihood of emailing someone, starting an IM convo, and then establishing a real time relationship from the start is unlikely. 

If you are in the online BDSM world, expect the bulls**t.  It comes with the territory.  You are seeking that 1%-2% who fit your criteria.  To find that group, you have to go through the rest of the boneheads.  This is my experience.  However, if anyone has a way around it, please email me.....I am sure the rest of us would like that solution.

DN

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Emotional Fortitude

The other day I wrote about letting go of ideas, peoples, and beliefs.  Today, I am going to cover the idea of having emotional fortitude. Without it, we are destined to be not only failures within the BDSM world, but also in life.

Maturity

As I travel around the Internet, I see so many who are seeking those who are "mature".  What does this really mean?  Obvious, some are seeking those who are up there in years (mature is a nice way of saying "older").  However, this is not the type of mature I am referring to.

There are too many people online who simply are immature.  Perhaps it is a reflection of the larger world in general.  Nevertheless, the BDSM community seems to attract those who lack the basic skills which come from going through the aging process.  Too many act like spoiled teenagers.  It is really sad to watch and makes it proportionally more difficult for those who seek something real.

My conclusion is that immature people simply are not able to have fulfilling and sustained relationships.  Instead, they rush into things with little regard for those who are affected by their decisions.  At the same time, their interactions tend to be completely self-centered.  This appears to take on a greater toll within the BDSM world because, for some reason, too many, especially dominants, believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street.  They fail to realize that, like all relationships, the BDSM relationship is a two-way structure where each person needs fulfillment to enjoy long-term success.  Of course, approaching a relationship in the aforementioned way shows a lack of maturity.

Being mature also mandates that one has a certain level of emotional control.  Unfortunately, it is no surprise to see this is missing among many within the BDSM community.  Instead of exhibiting the strength necessary to handle situations as they arise, people of this ilk tend to "lose it".  I am always stunned at the lack of emotional control many "Masters" have.  Part of my training in the "art of mastery" is that one be in control of himself emotionally.  As I often write on here, "to control another one must be able to control himself".  Those who are apt to have fits of rage certainly do not qualify as masters in my book.  Being able to control oneself emotionally is paramount for BDSM success.  A sub/slave cannot expect to excel when she is consistently unsure of the reaction she will receive from a dominant/master.  Emotional consistency is a foundational piece for any relationship.

Emotional Fortitude

Now that we covered being able to control oneself emotionally, I want to approach a different aspect of this realm.  Emotional fortitude equals strength.  This is a point I want to drive home.  Those who are strong and have power are emotionally strong.  The simple fact is that situations come along that none of us like.  Those who are emotionally strong are able to excel even when the circumstances are not appealing.  The ones who lack this tend to crumble like a cracker being stepped upon.

I referred to the post on letting go earlier because this brings up a prime example of the strength that is required to succeed in this area.  No matter what it is, whether friends, family, ideas, or beliefs, letting go is not easy.  If you question this, look at all the stuff in your closet that you simply "cannot get rid of".  Your emotional attachment is great.  The same holds true for all on the list I just mentioned.  It is extremely difficult to get rid of a person who is close to you.  To do this requires great inner strength when it is the proper action.  Fear is an ever-present enemy.  We need to muster the energy from within us to overcome.

One area I see many get frustrated is with the BDSM "dating" sites.  We are all well aware of the trolls, fakes, and pretenders that dwell in that realm.  Sadly, the Internet, while helping our lifestyle greatly, also opened the door to anyone who can type and establish a profile.  This created a forum whereby this sludge can fester.  So far, I found no way around it so it is something we have to deal with.

Finding someone compatible through the online mechanism is a challenge to say the least.  Those who enter this world understand how quickly one can get fed up with all the games that are played.  It is common for many to pull away because of what they encounter using these mechanisms.  While I understand the frustration, this is where one needs to have the internal fortitude to persevere.  Backing off might seem like a sensible idea when the discouragement is great.  However, I can assure you, like the lottery, you must be in the game to win.  One will not find a BDSM relationship by pulling away.

Therefore, it is extremely important that one hang in there and keep going.  Yes, it is difficult.  I realize the desire to open up another email containing some of the most ignorant statements known to mankind wanes.  However, remember, you are seeking the proverbial needle in the haystack.  95% of all you encounter out there are not going to match up with you.  Accept that as a fact going in.  Do not allow rejection to get you down.  Have the strength to keep going.

Motivation

Once of the biggest differences between the successful in any endeavor and those who are not is how they handle adversity.  It will come as no surprise to you that the unsuccessful allow adversity to get them down while the successful get motivated to take action.  I am going to hypothesize that most of you will not be shocked to learn this same practice is required for success within the BDSM world.

As I stated, there are times we all face situations we do not like.  To focus upon the BDSM lifestyle, one common occurrence is the ending of a relationship.  Contrary to some of the "romantic" posts you see in profiles online, BDSM relationships are rarely forever.  They do end and it is often in a not so friendly way.  The end result is pain.  So what is one to do when he or she confronts himself with that situation?  Well one can opt to get eaten up by what happened and dwell upon the loss or get motivated to do something.  I recall discussing this situation with a guy I know in the lifestyle.  He was left high and dry by his "slave" who he owned for a number of years.  I lost touch with him for a while only to contact him a year later.  After that time, I came to find out he lost 40 pounds and improved his healthy considerably.  This is what I mean by taking a situation and getting motivated by it.  I am sure the pain he suffered was great.  However, he had the emotional fortitude to not let it get him down and to, actually, turn it into a positive.

I want you to recall this example the next time you open yet another email from a supposed "dominant" which starts out with the atypical "hey slut".  While it is easy to fall prey to the "ah screw it", this will not lead to you enjoying what you desire out of BDSM.  I presume you are on sites like we mentioned to actually meet someone.  Do not allow the morons and idiots to dictate to you how your life proceeds.  Times like that require you to start searching profiles and sending out some emails on your own (Yes subs/slaves can hit up dominants/masters unsolicited).  Get motivated to go after what you want.  Use the frustration and, dare I say, anger to your advantage.  Put the energy generated within you to good use.  Become the one who dictates the path that your life takes (again this is something a sub/slave must do at least until she is under control of another). 

One final thought.  By now, you should realize that I believe emotional fortitude applies equally to submissives and dominants.  So many believe that a sub/slave should be weak.  Nothing is further than the truth.  A weak slave is pretty useless.  One needs strength to submit fully.  Those who cannot tend to fight the wrong battle, thus sabotaging the entire relationship.  Emotional maturity, control and strength is a trait that all people need to exhibit.  Within BDSM, there are a lot of challenges we encounter which are not present in the vanilla world.  Having the internal power to overcome these are what eventually leads to fulfillment.  And, ultimately, this is what we are all after.

DN  

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Acting Like Everyone Owes You Something

This post is for those people who identify themselves as dominant in nature.

Over the years, I had countless conversations with subs/slaves about the behavior of the so called dominants online.  Quite frankly, it is baffling to say the least.  I understand that the anonymity of the Internet gives people a bigger set of balls then they would have in real life but this gets excessive.  So, I thought I would put together a post that helps to clarify things.

To start, for all you dominants out there, nobody owes you crap.  You are not owed respect.  Nobody needs to call you Sir, Master, or Lord.  Just because you are dominant, self titled at that, that means absolutely nothing.  This identification does not give you the right to act like a total asshole and say whatever you want.  Thinking that you are something simply because you put one of the aforementioned words before your name does not amount to much.  In fact, your behaviors are actually showing everyone how small you truly are.

One thing that everyone needs to keep in mind is that subs/slaves are people. Do you understand what I am saying?  Simply because an individual identifies herself as a submissive type, that doesn't mean she is less than you.  Submission is the opposite side of the domination coin, that is all.  One is not better or worse than the other.  In fact, it takes each to complete the other.  If you have difficulty understanding this, try to dominant without anyone submitting.  You will find it rather difficult.

Since submissive personalities are people, it is best to approach them with the common courtesy bestowed upon all individuals.  When interacting with someone for the first time in real life, do you walk up and call her cunt, whore, slut, or pig?  If you do, I imagine your social skills require some work.  However, if you are like most people and do not do this, what makes you think it is appropriate online?  Consider that for a few minutes.  What applies in person also applies online.

I know what some of you are thinking.  There are many subs who like to be interacted with and degraded.  That is true.  However, as with all things in BDSM, that requires consent.  So even though a sub wants to be talked down to, that does not mean she wants to be interacted in that way by you.  This is especially true in the first email or interaction.  You have to be given the right to interact with her in such a manner.  Before that occurs, she deserves to be treated like everyone else.

So, in closing, stop acting like the world's biggest ass.  You are not big and bad simply because you call yourself a dominant.  As mentioned, it is my guess the more you do this, the less the submissive types think of you.  Certainly, I feel you are proving yourself to be rather small.  Are you trying to compensate for having a less than average penis?  Is that why you insist on behaving in this way?  Stop feeling as if people owe you anything.  Until proven otherwise, you are just some clown online who set up a profile.  Hence, you showed that you have basic computer skills, that is all.  Other than that, there is nothing about you that shows you are dominant.  Start acting like someone who has a clue what this is all about and perhaps you will get a bit further.

DN  

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Letting Go

Over the last few weeks, I wrote a number of articles dealing with depth and doing what we can to access that which is within us.  Over that time, I repeatedly mentioned striving to connect with our "core".  This is a process which paid extreme dividends in my life and in the lives of those who also went through this process.  I believe many long time BDSM people all go through this process to one degree or another.

One of the most basic tenets is the process of letting go.  To achieve anything in the BDSM world, actually in life, we need to let go of things.  What does this mean?  Basically, we are looking at the process of clearing out the old so the new can penetrate.

Begin Immediately

What I am going to discuss in this post applies to everyone from the first time they set foot in the BDSM world.  This is not reserved for those with years of experience under their belts.  In fact, it is best for the new person to be aware of this process as he or she begins the BDSM journey while applying it on a regular basis.

We all enter this world with "baggage".  This is the leftover remnants from all of our experiences previously.  Some of this can be physical while other "baggage" is mental and emotional.  Either way, it is best to start the cleansing process at once.

One of the first things we notice is that we all have a belief system which, in large part, is not our own.  We are taught what to believe throughout our entire upbringing.  Of course, this does not end once we reach adulthood.  Everyday we encounter entities which are molding and shaping our thinking.  Advertisers, employers, religious institutions, philosophers, and even our friends and family all have ideas they are putting into our minds which we absorb like sponges.  Now, I am not going to say all that they teach us is wrong or bad.  The central point I am making is to be aware of the fact that your beliefs are not your own.

Ricard Dawkins once said that religious identification is 90% based upon your parents and geographic location.  This is a telling sign of how powerful indoctrination is.  Faith is an important matter to many people yet most did not freely choose what to believe or practice.  Instead, they followed the practice of their parents or one of the acceptable disciplines of their region.  The majority do not take the time to research all that is out there before drawing their own conclusions.  What is completely absurd is that these same people will defend this belief while arguing it at length without realizing they did not choose it.

This same concept applies to social norms.  Our culture basically views the romantic/sexual relationship as a one-on-one situation between a man and a woman.  This is what is considered normal and what society strives to instill in all of us.  It is also a situation where equality is shared among the partners.  Anything to the contrary (which BDSM is) is ostracized and look down upon.  People who opt for power exchange relationships, the single life, poly structure or anything else that does not fit this model are views with distaste.  Again, society wants everyone to follow the edicts it sets down.  Unfortunately, this only leads to slavery (and not the kind we discuss in BDSM).

Therefore, the first step is to realize that much of what you are entering the BDSM world believing is not of your choosing.  This inclination should also lead you to question how absurd it is to defend a belief that you did not freely embrace.  Understand the power of conditioning so that you can begin the process of letting go of some of these old ideas.

House Cleaning

Every year, millions of people do their annual Spring cleaning.  This is where people,  usually in colder areas, start the process of opening up the house with the arrival of warmer weather.  During this process, much of the old stuff acquired over previous years is cleaned out and discarded.  In essence, it is a new beginning.  After months of locked up in the house, one is able to get into the garage to clean it out.  Winter clothing is sifted through with some eliminated while the rest is packed away for the next winter.  It is a physical cleansing process which is practical.

This is a process that those of us who are in BDSM go through on a regular basis also.  While the above example deals with the physical, I am referring more to the mental and emotional.  Sure, there are times a dominant will go through his box of tools and clean them out.  Over time, we acquire or create accessories for play that no longer serve a purpose.  It is helpful to eliminate them for no other reason than to make room in the toy box for more. 

We start the process with our beliefs.  It is time to let go of some of your long held beliefs.  Open-mindedness is paramount in the BDSM world.  So many enter it believing how they see things is right.  It is amazing to watch people who are involved in a lifestyle where they are regularly judged by others doing the same thing.  The "my kink is okay but yours is not" view is alive and well.  Remember this as you travel around and see things which stun you.  While it might not be your cup of tea, today, it is for someone else.  Respect that with the realization that, someday, as you evolve, you just might find yourself embracing that same practice.  Approached correctly, you will not be the same person 5 years from now as you are today.  Be mindful of this before judging.

Letting go of old ideas is extremely difficult.  We grew up in a world where we were taught that hitting another is wrong.  When this is done in a relationship, they term this "abuse".  People who are abusive face arrest and counseling.  Yet, upon entering the BDSM world, one finds that this behavior is commonplace and it is not abuse.  There are people who opt for this behavior willingly and want to be treated in this manner.  You can see how the old conditioning can conflict with what is presently being encountered.  The same is true for what many term "gross".  Again, while it might not be for you, somebody else does not think that it is that way.  It is something they want to do and receive some pleasure or benefit out of it.  Your judgment is based upon your prior conditioning.  This is something that we all need to let go of.

People

In addition to thoughts and beliefs, the other major area which often requires cleansing is with people.  Now, I will admit, this gets to be a touchy subject with many.  It is difficult to discard or move away from relationships (not necessarily romantic/sexual) that are not conducive to what we are seeking.  But the simple fact is there are many people who do not fit into our lives as we evolve.

Over the years, I heard the term "psychic" or "energy" vampire applied to describe people who simply suck the life right out of you.  These are those individuals who consistently leave you drained after interacting with them.  They tend to be self absorbed to the nth degree which means all conversations focus upon them.  They like to tell of all their woes to share their burden with you.  Naturally, if you are a considerate person, you will ultimately take on their "baggage", at least emotionally.  In many instances, it is hard not to feel bad for these people and empathize with them.  Unfortunately, that is exactly what they want.  This only serves to lessen your ability to deal with what is going on in your life.  So, I suggest you take a hard look at those people who might fit into this category and eliminate them.  The simple fact is this is a one-sided relationship when it should be a two-way street.  It is unhealthy and serves to add little to your life.  Letting go of it might be painful but is required.  It is one step towards freedom

At the same time, there are a host of relationships we have which no longer serve our purpose.  Again, it is difficult to break away from long established people who were at the center of our lives.  Family, spouses, and close friends all fit into this category.  One problem few people realize is that life is not static.  We are ever changing especially as we begin our journey into BDSM.  This is a process where we see radical changes in our viewpoints and desires.  Unfortunately, those who are around us are not always supportive of our choices.  To start, they do not understand in most instances.  Secondly, if one exercising personal power and makes a choice, that hinders the power their conditioning has.  Finally, some simply did not opt for this way of life and it is not for them.  Holding onto these people, closely, can prove to be extremely draining emotionally.  One finds him or herself in continual conflict.  As more of the ideas of BDSM penetrate, less of those from the traditional world apply.  Hence, we are placed in the position of having to decide which way to go.  Sadly, most put off this decision until the point of critical mass when an explosion takes place.

From my experience, I noticed that family is the toughest to do this with.  This is especially true if one has a close relationship with his or her relatives.  However, the disappointing truth is that no matter how open-minded most claim to be, few are able to accept the decisions we make for ourselves.  Again, they have the societal ideas about BDSM which prejudices there views.  Going home and telling your parents or sister that you are a slave and just submitted to a Master who can do whatever he wants to you is going to raise some concern.  While family members proclaim to be acting in our best interest, often they are acting in their own.  It is at this time we need to step back from those relationships to a certain degree.  Certainly, eliminating them from your life might not be needed but that closeness of openly sharing that existed before might not be present any longer.  This is a simple fact of the choice to enter BDSM.  We realize that few understand and trying to explain it is a fruitless proposition..

One final thought, this concept also applies to your path and the people within BDSM.  There are times that a particular relationship is not working for whatever reason.  When you are aware of this, if you conclude it cannot be altered, it is a good idea to let this go also.  Again, people change over time.  Perhaps the dominant you fell for 10 years ago is not the same.  Or that slave decides she wants something different.  Whatever the reason, and there are hundreds of them, the simple fact that things change means that it might be best to let go or alter that interaction.  This also takes place among "friends" within the lifestyle.  Some grow while other do not.  At times, it can be prudent to step back from an individual who you were close to.  Ultimately, we all have our own journey to walk.  Some are on the path with use for a long time, others for only a short time.  Nevertheless, when all is said and done, it is our journey.

In my next post, I will discuss this matter in greater detail, but for now I will just mention there is a lot of fear that goes along with letting go.  Holding onto something, even potentially damaging, is certain.  When we let go of something, that creates the state of the unknown.  This instills fear in many people.  Simply understand that it is part of the process and should be embraced.  Everyone experiences fear and letting go is not easy.  However, when we do cleanse out that which is not working, we create the opportunity for more to enter.  I once read that the universe abhors a vacuum.  What this means is that once a space is created, it will soon be filled.  If you want to test this, go create an open space in your closet by getting rid of some things and you see how quickly it takes to fill.  You will see the accuracy of this idea within a couple of weeks.  My point is that new experiences await us if we are open to them.  However, sometimes, before they can occur, we need to let go of something that is standing in the way.  Fear is part of the process and needs to be overcome.  Simple walk through it trusting that more is out there for you.

Until next time, have an orgasmic day.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.