The Online Crowd

Much of society's interaction today takes place online.  This is a fact of the times and trying to change it is fruitless.  The workplace is filled with online meetings and communication via email or messenger.  People do not speak person-to-person anymore.  Perhaps that is a good thing since worldwide productivity increased.  However, we see the same trend occurring in our personal lives which can provide an interesting twist to things.

Online BDSM

I am not going to discuss the pros or cons of online "ownership".  This is a topic of great debate among the community.  Some feel it is a worthwhile venture and considered "real" while others deem it nothing more than role playing.

That aside, we see the overall trend towards online interaction reflected within the BDSM community.  Today, as compared to 15 years ago, BDSM is more in the open because of the Internet.  Munches and other events are publicized online whereas, before, they were advertised in local rags.  This resulted in the expansion of the online community.  While this can be viewed as a good thing, this does bring up the question of how many of them are truly interested in this way of life?

Anonymity

The Internet provides a forum where one can maintain total anonymity if that is what is desired.  Again, this can be a good thing for one who does not wish to publicize his/her choices.  However, we run into a problem when people with less than ethical intentions are encountered.  These individuals use the anonymity of the world wide web to create all kinds of havoc.  Anyone who is delving into this medium needs to be mindful of what takes place out there.

To start, most of us witnessed the outright scams that are run.  People do not telemarket for dollars anymore; they troll forums looking for people to interact with.  Their intention is simply to separate a person from his/her money.

Secondly, we encounter those people who are bored with their lives and are simply looking to engage in fantasy/role play.  While there is nothing wrong with this as long as all involved are aware, the fact is most often one of the parties believes he/she is dealing with something real.  The anonymity allows one of the individuals to create whatever persona is desired to fulfill whatever desire is sought.  Of course, the other person ends up in emotional upheaval and suffers because of it.

Friends

Another facet which I witnessed yet do not see mentioned much is the online friendships that arise.  It is interesting to note that people can be rather clickish in their behavior.  I was on more than one website where a "group" of friends were like a high school click going after people who were a threat.  What is interesting about this scenario is the fact that these people did not know each other (for the most part).  Many of them were just online interaction.

In economics there is something called "opportunity cost".  What this means is that if a dollar is spent in one area, it cannot be utilized in another area.  Thus, the opportunity cost is the amount that is lost by spending the money, as an example, as opposed to investing it.

I see a similar thing here.  When someone "bands" together with an online friend, especially to the detriment of a potential dominant or submissive, I often wonder what is the opportunity cost.  It is interesting to note that over time, I realize that these "friendships" tend not to last very long.  Hence we have an individual who followed the little click while losing the potential to find someone who would be real with him/her. 

Taken one step further, when I scour some of the BDSM "dating" sites, I see ones who are involved with others from far away places.  While this can be a good starting point towards ultimate unification geographically, I often surmise about what this individual is missing by having an "online Master" (dominant, sub, or slave).  While one is spending time with someone who he/she will never meet face-to-face, an opportunity could be lost to deal with someone local.  Of course, this is not the case in all instances but I am sure it occurs quite regularly.

Skeptic

The sad truth is one needs to be skeptical of all encountered online.  There are many who post and are truly as they appear.  However, there are many, if not most, who simply are not.  Lies and exaggeration are the norm in the online world.  It will save a lot of pain and heartache if you accept this as reality right now.  Protecting yourself is your first priority in any online endeavor.

Many feel that taking this approach is being coarse.  Perhaps they are correct.  Nevertheless, one only needs to be taken for a ride a time or two to realize the pain suffered by not following this path.  The anonymity of the Internet not only allows someone to create whatever persona he/she desires, but disappearing is always a click away.  I cannot tell you how many "people" I watched deal with someone who simply vanished.  It was a basic case of here today, gone tomorrow.  The reality is that the person might have frequented the same site just under a different profile.  Again, the emotional damage left behind can be great.

Overall, I would say that this medium is dealing with a lot of people who lack character.  I respect someone who has no interest and simply says that.  People need to have a backbone.  Sadly, this is not the norm.  Most will interact with someone, even if truly interested, and then back away without a word when deciding the interest isnt there.  This lacks character.  If someone is willing to invest the time in you, or you in someone else, it is only fitting that one be open about what is going on.  There is nothing worse than someone simply vanishing or ceasing communication.  But again, we find this to be the norm.

The bottom line is to not only protect yourself but take those steps to ensure that you arent one causing pain by your actions.  Be mindful of who you are dealing with and understand that person has feelings.  Oftentimes we do things that inadvertently harm another.  Naturally, our intentions were good even if the execution feel short.  This happens to everyone since we all can get wrapped up in ourselves at times.  However, repeated behavior of not considering others and what they experience put one in the category of abuser. 

People who live the BDSM lifestyle should hold themselves to a higher standard.  Being a person of character and integrity is paramount.  This applies in all areas of our lives including our online interactions.

DN

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Domineering

I decided to write this post after witnessing some behavior online that really drove home how misguided some "dominants" can be.  This type of outlook has the ability to severely harm another both in a physical way as well as emotionally.  One of my beliefs about domination is that safety of the psychological state of another is imperative.  However, people of this ilk tend not to adhere to that notion.

Power Hungry

It cannot be guessed at the number of people within this lifestyle who are "power hungry".  The motivation for entering the BDSM world is to have another serve him.  While this is a part of the deal, it is only seeing one side of the issue.  People of this nature do not realize that a relationship, even power exchange, is a two-way street.   This individual agrees with the idea that he is to get out of the relationship what he can when, in fact, he ought to look at what he can bring.  Hence we have a built-in selfishness which is generally childish.

At the same time, many desire power but do not understand that responsibility is automatically a companion in that equation.  When one is handed complete control as occurs in a TPE scenario, that means that all responsibility falls to the dominant individual.  The blame game is not an option.  Sure, there are instances when a submissive will make mistakes or even create a burden on the relationship.  However, the ultimate outcome is up to the dominant one to create.  If the submissive is not acting accordingly, it is up to him to alter her behavior.  Failure to do this lays completely at his feet.

This is where one wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too".  It is not realistic for one to take the power but cede the responsibility to the other person.  This is a pathway to failure.  It is only with the power that one can be responsible for the outcome.  Without said power, it is impossible to affect what occurs.  For example, other my vote or writing my Congress person, I have no power over what the US Congress does.  Hence, I am not responsible for the decisions they make.  If I was granted the power to change people who I felt were ill-suited to be there (all of them), then I could be held responsible.

Therefore, seeking power for the sake of fulfilling an inner hunger is not healthy.  A person of this sort will not stand up and behave responsibly.  Instead, when things enter a rough stage, which they always do, he will instead look to deflect the focus off himself.  This is not dominating behavior.

Coming From Fear

Closely related to this idea is the concept of domineering.  When one is of this sort, he operates from a place of fear.  It is his insecurity rather than confidence which is the motivation.  A person who lacks the inner self confidence has to show he is "in charge".  The mental image is the boss who sits there ordering people around.  Having to prove oneself and the power one wields is behavior which is not common among leaders.  True leadership enables people to follow as opposed to being pushed.

A dominating person knows who is in control.  This person does not have to continually display power especially among others.  Certainly, if challenged, a dominant will step up and exert influence over the one under his control.  However, in most instances, it goes without saying who is in charge.  The dominant knows deep within himself where the power lies and how to properly handle that.  Contrast this with the domineering person who is more often trying to convince himself that the power is his.  A dominant knows; a domineering person hopes.

Another aspect is the concept of image.  A true dominant is not greatly concerned about how others view him.  This is because of the internal self confidence which is present.  In most instances, other will view him favorably.  However, if there are those who do not, he will not be greatly concerned.

The domineering one takes a different tactic.  To him, image is crucial.  He will spend a great deal of time telling anyone who will listen about all he did.  The number of relationships will be mentioned; what he did; his expertise in particular areas; and the accolades he received from others.  These are components which help to create his identity.  Of course, an underlying fear is present since he is most often concerned about people finding out the truth.  This fear is the reason which causes him to be more domineering which, naturally, creates more fear until a continuous cycle is formed.

Anxious

It is important to remember the  motivating factors of a dominant versus one who is domineering.  When you know that one is moved by confidence while the other by fear, you can asses the behaviors.

One thing that really stands out among those who are domineering is that they are anxious to move things forward.  A dominant person is confident that he will reach the desired outcome.  He understands that to truly take over another person requires time and effort.  Rushing things along will not enhance the process.  He is not concerned with losing a perspective submissive to another.  While it can happen, he is confident to know that what he offers is high on the scale.

Contrast this with the fear based domineering child.  He has to get one to agree and "submit" to him within minutes.  Time is of the essence because another person can come along and capture her attention.  Fear causes this person to seek a shortcut.  One of the most common tactics is to isolate one.  This enables him to take full control of the informational process which, especially if she is new, will enable him to create the imagery he desires.  Of course, this is all blown out of the water if she interacts with someone else who paints a different picture.  Hence, we have the circular process which spirals downward.

 In closing, if you are dominant and you find you are behaving in a domineering manner, understand that identifying the behavior is the first step.  Next, come to understand that you need to focus attention upon yourself and your internal shortcomings.  Education is required at this point.  Knowledge is a wonderful tool to help to instill confidence within a person.  At the same time, concentrate on taking control over those aspects of your life which are out of control.  This is the foundation of all successful BDSM relationships; one who can dominate himself.

DN 


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Total Commitment

Commitment is a central part of success in any endeavor in life.  It matters none the area of focus, the basic fact is that our level of success will be in proportion to how committed we are to achieving the desired goal.  Without a high level of commitment, most will stop at the first sign of difficulty.  We see this daily in the people we are surrounded by.  Sadly, we are most likely seeing a reflection of our own life.

No Other Option

Total commitment means that you are willing to eliminate all other options other than the one you desire.  Again, this is a basic tenet that is used by the most successful people in life.  It is also a state that is rarely attained by the average person.  Half-hearted efforts are the norm for those who live a substandard life.  Instead of plugging ahead in the quest for success, they settle.

This idea ties in beautifully to the BDSM world.  Many enter this lifestyle with the outlook as one does when walking onto a car showroom.  Instead of being committed to the lifestyle, a person is actually just "tire kicking".  Perhaps, after a bit of time, this individual might advance to taking a test drive.  However, at this point the person is still not committed to buying anything.  The door remains open to leave.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned what I termed the Submission Process.  This idea resulted from watching people enter this lifestyle and leave it almost as quickly.  Over time, I noticed that most were operating in a reverse pattern.  Instead of committing to the lifestyle, a person entered into a BDSM relationship using that as a tool to assist in the decision.  To me, that is like taking a test drive in a car before being committed to driving.  The vehicle is going to be the barometer to choose between driving or taking the bus.  If the car is acceptable, driving is the choice; if not, renew the annual bus pass.

As insane as that sounds, this is exactly what people do in the BDSM world.  Before being committed to a power exchange structure, a person enters into a relationship hoping that person will work out.  Of course, since we know the success rate of relationships in general is abysmal, we know exactly what happens.  The person is emotionally hurt which mirrors the results achieved in the traditional world thus causing the person to give up.  This is where a lack of commitment enters the picture.  The door to the showroom swings both ways and exit is an option.

Total Commitment

Naturally, one who is uncertain about this lifestyle cannot take the step and make a total commitment to it.  This is logical.  A person in this position needs to commit to study and research to learn as much as possible about what this life is all about.  He or she is not best served by entering into a relationship until the point is reached where commitment to the lifestyle can occur.  For some, this is upon finding the lifestyle while others will take a bit more time.  It is up to the individual to determine precisely how the process will unfold.  However, the order of things cannot change if success is likely to take place.

Once one is committed to living a "BDSM life", then he or she can commit to achieving success in this realm.  When people proclaim themselves to be a part of this lifestyle (and mean it), then the chances of finding what he or she is seeking will occur.  Now, I will admit it might take some time and effort.  However, that is where the commitment enters the picture.  We find that failure is a part of the process no matter how experienced we are.  I guess we can presume that is par for the course with relationships.  In others words, sometimes one will need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding that Prince or Princess.

Persistence is required to delve through the hodgepodge of people, especially online.  We know how common the trollers and game players are.  However, there is another area where commitment enters: our own personal abilities.  Whether submissive or dominant, the fact is that entering BDSM means that one is undertaking a lifelong study of living that differs greatly from how most of us were raised.  This means that simple "being dominant" is not enough.  Once needs to commit to the study of control, personal development, psychology, and an assortment of other areas that come with dominating and taking over the life of another.  Again, without the commitment, people will take the easiest route which is usually to do nothing.  This will only lead to problems down the road and one of the many reasons why relationships end.

Growth is a natural part of the human experience.  If we are not growing, we are dying.  BDSM is a microcosm of life at large.  Those who fail to continually enhance their abilities will find themselves falling behind.  Again, no matter how long someone is in this lifestyle, there is always something more to learn.  Nobody has all the answers or every achieved the state of perfection.  Instead, we all enlarge our "toolbox" by learning more about the life we chose.  It is important to remember, unlike the traditional world where a lot of the beliefs are given to us through our upbringing, almost everyone in BDSM consciously chose this way of life.  Since it is your decision, it is also your responsibility to be as committed to that decision as possible, especially if you are going to be involved with other people.  Sadly, few seem to take this approach.

Ponder this idea for a while and let me know what you think about it.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Emotional

In my last post we covered the physical aspect of oneself and how I believe we, as members of the BDSM community, are responsible for holding ourselves to a higher standard.  The starting point of this quest is with our physical body.  We are all aware of the weight epidemic that persists in western cultures.  However, this is a battle that can be one and we have the responsibility to take the lead.  Laziness and excuses are not tolerable.

The next step along this path is our emotional standards.  People, in general, are too dependent upon their emotional state.  They allow how they feel to dictate the decisions made.  This puts people in a reactionary mode resulting in clouded thinking and poorer judgment.  Nevertheless, this is the path which most people follow.

Immaturity

Children operate in the stimulus-react mode.  This is expected out of these creatures because they know no better.  It is part of immaturity and a phase which we are suppose to grow out of.  Sadly, judging by the behaviors of most, the greatest percentage of the population resides in this phase their entire lives.  How often do you see someone in a store screaming at the person behind the counter over an unresolved situation?  This is a person who is not capable of controlling his or her state.  The Western cultures seem to believe that anger is a technique which is to be esteemed.  To me, it signals a loss of control.  While that might be acceptable to the general population, I feel BDSM teaches us to move beyond them to a higher plane.

Unfortunately, in my travels throughout the web and some in person interactions, it seems that many are no better than the norm.  The BDSM world community is full of people who, quite frankly, are immature.  They seek to escape whatever ails them in the traditional world only to find this way of life no easier to navigate.  The basic problem always is that, no matter what life choice is made, unless one is capable of dealing with the emotional situations presented on a daily basis, unhappiness will result.

Growing up means being able to supersede our emotional state while behaving in a sound, rational manner.  Look at the greatest political leaders and notice how they operated during extreme times.  The ones we hold in the highest regard are those who were "cool under fire".  Leaders are sought for this characteristic because nobody is going to feel comfortable nor follow an emotional basket case.  It is ironic how so few within the BDSM community understand this.

Control Oneself

I am amazed how many profess to be dominant (and Masters) yet fail to have basic control over themselves.  This fact was mentioned in the previous post about weight.  Here again, we see a person proclaiming to be able to control and run another person's life fail to even be able to handle himself.   How can one ever make this assertion when he (she) is a puppet to his (her) emotions?  To me, this is misguiding because one is not being truthful.  Mastery starts with oneself first and then moves onto another person.

Submissives need to show the same ability.  While I will grant the fact that obedience tends to be the trait which she (he) is most judged upon, this does not mean personal responsibility is out the window.  In fact, controlling oneself in situations might even be more important because her behaviors are not only reflective upon her (him) but the dominant also.  Yet, we see so many acting like school girls and throw a public fit when she didnt get what is desired.  Again, the lack of personal control also reflects upon the owner which can put him in a diminished light.

The other aspect of this is the fact, as we are seeing, is that personal control applies to all aspects of one's life.  Failure to control one's eating habits also lend to the idea that one cannot control his/her emotional state.  A person of this ilk often cannot control the compulsion to spend.  The list will carry on with always the same cause at the core: a lack of personal control.

Feelings Are Not Facts

This is something that many take except to but it is indisputable.  Feelings are not facts.  They might feel real in the present moment yet they are not.  Feelings are nothing more than a response to programming based upon a thought process that is ingrained within one.  For example, in the west we are conditioned to believe that when one dies, we should feel sad.  If one went to a funeral and was having a gay ole time, everyone would think that person strange.  However, in many eastern cultures, they teach that death is a freeing of the physical limitations and that it is an experience which should be celebrated.  Crying at this event is inappropriate based upon their conditioning.

Now that you can see how feelings are often a result based upon things outside ourselves, does it make sense to allow them to control us to the degree they do?  The obvious answer is that it does not make sense yet most of the population does this.  This takes on a different meaning when you consider the fact that how we view the same situation changes over time.  What upsets us in the moment is not as important a few weeks (or even days) down the road.  Yet many people will fly off the deep end over something minor that means very little in the big picture.  However, the damage that a person can do when out of emotional control by whipping out that saber tooth tongue is enormous. 

The bottom line is we all can change how we feel.  I will not go into detail on this since there are thousands of sites which will help one with this.  My point is that it takes concentrated effort to grow up.  BDSM means that we are willing to engage in those things others are not willing to do.  Losing one's temper when something does not go his or her way is acting like the child in a sandbox.  It is ineffective and reflects very poorly upon the individual.  Many will spend hours in an effort to dress properly and present an image visually then completely destroy it by acting like an emotional fool.  There are images firmly imprinted upon my mind, even years later, of situations like this at munches which have influenced my impression of certain individuals.  My regard for them is low simply because I witnessed then behave like emotional morons in a public setting. 

In conclusion, part of the process of moving from vanilla to BDSM is growing up.  We live a lifestyle that is based upon choice which means that responsibility accompanies our every move.  While many still want to play the victim while blaming others for their plight, the bottom line is you signed up for this deal.  Consensual means that nobody if forced into anything.  Therefore, acting like a child when you do not get what you want is nobody's fault other than you own.  Certainly there are instances within a relationship where things are altered but the basic premise if that you consciously chose this way of life and the person you are with.  Look in the mirror instead of throwing a hissy fit.  This is what being an adult is all about.

DN

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A Higher Standard: Physical

This post is certainly going to offend some people and that is quite alright with me.  I hope some people are up in arms about what I am going to write simply for the fact that we, as a population, have become too complacent about things.  Therefore, since I believe those in the BDSM world are obligated to hold themselves to a higher standard, I am going to focus my attention here.

Frankly, the world is too fat.  This is a statement backed up by many studies.  Western cultures, the US and Europe, are experiencing obesity rates that are unseen at any point in history.  Today, I hear so many excuses as why this is so.  The truth of the matter is that a weight epidemic exists because people tolerate it, both among themselves and from others.

Before going any further, I will issue a disclaimer.  I understand there are some who simply cannot lose weight because of health issues such as a lazy thyroid or because of physical ailments which make exercise virtually impossible.  For these people, the struggle is difficult if not impossible.  If you are an individual who fits into this category, be it from paralysis, stroke, or heart ailment, obviously much of this will not apply.  However, it is worthy to read what is written here for those around you.

The Body

It is written that the "body is a temple".  If that is the case, looking at people in public, many should be condemned.  Physical fitness is a thing of the past.  As a fan of older movies, I am stunned each time I watch something from the 1970s or before.  Almost everyone in the movie is thin.  Sure, there is the occasional large person but that person is not the norm.  Contrast that with movies today and you see a completely different scenario.

We see this same thing in the BDSM world.  It is amazing to me to see the pictures of some people and how they look.  In addition to being unattractive there is a health aspect which I will cover in a bit.  The bottom line is people do not cherish their body.  Instead, they abuse it with the food they put in, thus, creating a host of problems down the road.

I am always amazed to see people post in their profile they are "Masters" and then to look at their weights only to find they are 75 or 100 pounds overweight.   To me, this is a total contradiction.  How can one believe that he (or she) is able to control another when dominating what is entering his (her) body is outside the realm of personal power?  While I will see intolerant with this view, the fact is that if one is going to be a "Master", I do not think it unfair that he (she) be held to a higher standard.

It is the same on the submissive side.  So many label themselves slaves yet are carrying around extra pounds.  Again, we see a contradiction here.  Slaves are suppose to be beings that one is proud of.  They do things on a daily basis to ensure maximum benefit to the ones in servitude to.  However, when one is unfit, this limits the options a Master will have.  Physical limitations which are present because of failure to do something within one's control is the result.  To me, this becomes an unacceptable scenario.

Selfishness

Overall, I conclude this is nothing more than an extreme case of selfishness.  I come across so many who have the attitude "accept me as I am".  This is a definite case of having a settlement mentality.  This might work for society in general but, in BDSM, we need to lift our sights higher.  There is no reason why anyone should settle for anything less than they can possibly be and offer anyone else less than 100% of our potential.

We see so many searching to find the right one.  On any given day, you can log onto any BDSM website to find people looking for that special someone(s) to get involved with.  It is a quest many spend years undertaking and, fortunately for many, a quest that is fulfilled.  Now, this is where the problem comes in.  How selfish is it that a person is going to fulfill another person with his or her presence only to check out early because of health issues?  It is no secret the life expectancy ramifications that carrying around extra weight causes.  Yet a person, dominant or submissive, does not even consider this.  The central fact is that one deprives another of years of interaction.

Heart disease, cancer, and other ailments all have been tied, at least in part, to excess weight.  The emotional toll on a relationship when one of these hits is tremendous.  Nevertheless, few take measures to prevent them.  Instead, they simply go about eating the double cheeseburgers and french fries without regard to the consequences.  Again, I cannot help but to ponder how selfish this is when one looks at the bigger picture.

Sex

If a loss of life is not reason enough to decide to change, perhaps sex can be a motivating factor.  To start, not to sound shallow, but everyone likes to have sex with a hot body.  Now, this is not to mean insist that physical attributes are the only important factors.  However, society esteems the beautiful for one reason: people want to have sex with them.  What woman does not want to spend a night with George Clooney?  I would say most of the English speaking female world fits into that category.  Sure his attitude, fame, and money might have something to do with it but the fact that he is in shape does not hurt his sex appeal.  The same is true for someone like Demi Moore.  If she was carrying an extra 30 or 50 pounds, she would not be seen in the same light.

In addition to attractiveness, sex is impeded by weight.  As we age, things do not work as well as they did when we were younger.  This is a basic fact of life.  However, those who maintain a certain physical fitness level are able to slow the aging process down a bit.  And when it comes to sex, this is a good thing.

To illustrate this point, we will go to the most basic sexual tool, the penis (Dick for those of you who were asleep in health class).  Studies reveal that a great deal of erectile dysfunction is directly attributed to excess weight.  The clogging of the vascular system impeded the flow of blood to the member when it is needed most.  An erection, unlike other muscles, cannot be strengthened and relies solely on the flow of blood to achieve the state of "attention".  Also, stamina and sexual interest have been also tied to how fit one is.  Those who maintain a good state of fitness tend to last longer in bed and want it more than those who do not.  Finally, medications can impede performance yet many that people take are due to excess weight.  We find many of the same correlations with women as they age.

Again, I wonder how selfish a person is to not want to be able to perform, sexually, as well as possible for his or her partner?  Within BDSM, there is a mindset that a submissive exists for the dominants pleasure.  That is true but I have news for you: if the submissive is not taken care of, he or she will not hang around too long.  Subs have needs too.

Reasons

There are a number of reasons why someone would tolerate being overweight when there is something that can be done about it.  Again, focusing upon BDSM although I am sure it is consistent throughout mainstream society, one big reason is emotional.  Many simply have not dealt with their past issues.  Instead, they opt to make themselves "unattractive" by using weight as a protective blanket.

Sexual and physical abuse is common among many of the members of the BDSM community.  Many were molested as children and a number of people have not dealt with this.  It is at this point that I will strongly suggest getting with a therapist or counselor to deal with issues arising from those past events.  I met so many who admitted they used weight as a means of ensuring that sexual abuse does not happen again.  On the surface, this makes no sense but when one delves into the mind of a victim of this sort, the rational is perfectly logical.  However, as we all know, it is flawed in that it provides no defense, especially in light of the negative health/social consequences.

Another factor that enters the picture is that many do not know how to handle their emotional states.  I am a firm believer that emotional control is imperative in a BDSM relationship.  Those who do not know how to handle their feelings are best off uninvolved until they can learn how to deal with people as adults.  The stimulus/react technique might be okay for children but does not pass when one reaches adulthood.  Yet we see so many who quite frankly cannot control themselves.  Therefore, they turn to something that helps them escape and for many this is food (or sweets, salty products, or fast food).  Again, this is something which might require some professional assistance.

The final reason for being overweight is that we became an inactive society.  Many people spend their entire day on their butts getting very little activity.  In the past, people naturally engaged in activities which got their bodies moving.  Today, video games and the Internet consume most of our time.  Research has showed that the average American watches 6 hours of television on average a day.  The net result is seen around the waistline.

The Solution

So why do I bring all this up?  As mentioned, I am a big believer that we, in the BDSM world, are obligated to hold ourselves to a much higher standard than the average person.  We consciously sought out a lifestyle that is different from what is considered normal.  To do this, we had to break the conditioning that society did and embrace things for ourselves.  This requires strength, personal power, and inner fortitude.  In my mind, these are characteristics which reside within each person who lives this way of life.

Most of you know I state repeatedly that BDSM is a lot more than whips and chains.  The lifestyle was corrupted to a degree by the imagery promoted by the porn industry.  Many new people believe it is about being tied up and screwed.  Nevertheless, this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Making BDSM a part of your life means that it penetrates every aspect of your life.  Those who fail to understand this are shortchanging themselves.

We speak of words such as discipline, honor, trust, honesty, control, responsibility, and service.  Yet, for many, these are just words.  Instead of internalizing them as a daily part of one's life, they are paid "lip service".  We see this when we watch the behavior of so many.

BDSM entails being the best you can be in all situations.  Everyone has different aspects of their lives.  Regardless of whether we are focusing upon the financial, mental, career, family, or physical, BDSM mandates that one strive to attain the highest standard.  Again, we showed the strength and courage to break from the norm and choose a lifestyle different from what we were taught.  It is up to us to apply this to every part of our life.

Therefore, the solution is to begin focusing upon all the things others see.  Take pride in yourself as a member of the BDSM community.  Realize that your physical appearance is something that everyone sees.  Do whatever is necessary to get healthy and fit.  Living in the age of the Internet, the information you need is only a web search away.  I can offer up hundreds of tips to assist you but that is not what this post is about.  However, the fact that many are aware of the 1950s lifestyle should delve a bit deeper and look at how our grandparents lived with regards to healthy and nutrition.  Turning back the clock in that regard provides us with a path to success.

In conclusion, please note that I am not inferring that everyone needs to have a supermodel body.  For most of us, this is unrealistic.  Nevertheless, there is a lot more each of us can do to improve our physical state.  This post is meant to motivate you to action.  Realize what is at stake.  While nothing I wrote here is a secret or not known by society in general, few seem to be paying attention.  That is fine for them.  However, BDSM requires that we each take a look at ourselves to see where we can improve.  If you are one who is already in terrific physical shape, congratulations.  Yet if you are one who is closer to the 60% who is consider obese by the medical community, perhaps it is time to take this post to heart.  The benefits of shedding pounds and losing inches cannot be described.  This affects every area of your life.  It is time to hold yourself to a higher standard. 

DN

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Self Title Versus Earned

The Internet really changed how the BDSM world operates.  There was a time when the community was rather small in comparison with invitations being personally delivered as opposed to open-ended posting on the Internet.  While this is a fact of life in this era (no point in dwelling over the good ole days), the truth is that much has changed within our community which is detrimental.

Honoring

There was a time when honor existed within the BDSM environment.  Perhaps since interaction was in real time, people took a greater stand to exert a positive position.  Today, with the anonymity of the web, people simply can be whomever they desire without the difficulty of personal contact.  This has led many of these scumbags to believe they can operate however they see fit.

Words such as "master" and "slave" mean little anymore.  It use to be these titles were earned, not self proclaimed.  Years of experience is required to operate properly at these levels yet the Internet, again, has allowed anyone who can spell these words to assume them.  To me, it has degraded the worthiness of the terms in many ways.  Obviously, if everyone is a master, it is nothing special.

Honoring also entailed paying proper respect to a person as a learned individual.  Because the titles were not easily cast about, when one was recognized as a master, for example, everyone knew that person was of distinction.  And what led to this viewpoint?  It was the excellence exhibited in a particular area of the lifestyle.  Contrast this with what occurs today where people instantly proclaim themselves as masters such as "I am Master Peter".  Oh really?  Says who?  We all know the answer to that one.

Respect Is Earned

One of the biggest errors that occurs, especially online, is the belief that respect is automatically granted to an individual simply because he or she assumes a particular position within the lifestyle.  This is incorrect, not only in BDSM but all of life.  Respect is earned.  It is based upon the person you are and the traits you exhibit.  Simply demanding respect is childish and immature; two qualities the BDSM community is overrun with.

Using the above example, the term "Master" was given to someone who showed proficiency within the lifestyle.  This earned respect because everyone knew the loyalty, dedication, and educational process that individual went through to achieve that state.  No great level of success is ever attained without tremendous effort.  Everyone know this and that is why such a title was bestowed upon one deserving.  Respect was granted to the title, even if the individual was not known, because everyone was aware of what it took to earn such a title.  It was not simply self granted like today.

Another area where this is relevant is with regards to slaves.  So many of the comic book doms online believe that a slave is somehow beneath them.  This is a crucial mistake showing their lack of understanding.  While I will admit that most online are not worthy of the title slave, a true slave is something to be admired and esteemed.  Sadly, the same methods are used as on the dominant side i.e self titling.  Again, when I see one write "I am a slave" my first thought is "according to who?".  Here we have another case of self titling which, in effect, degrades all the other true slaves out there.

Living as a slave is not an easy task.  The level of submission required is tremendous.  Yet few seem to realize this.  It is only after questioning or getting involved with someone who is truly intent on moving it to TPE that one quickly realizes there is more than meets the eye.  Most of the "slaves" you find online will quickly throw up the barriers when they realize how few boundaries exist.  TPE is total by its definition and it certainly is not a path for everyone.  In fact, very few have what it takes to live in this manner.  That is why those who truly are slave are worthy of great esteem and respect.  Being a slave, like a master, is an earned title based upon the capabilities of the individual.

Remember this idea the next time you are tempted to call yourself a master or slave.  Reality is that most true masters and slaves would never call themselves that even if it is warranted.  They usually leave that to other people.  Even when they can get away with it, people of this nature avoid self titles.  Unfortunately, this is not the case online.

DN

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Responsibility

BDSM is an Adult Lifestyle.  Since this is the case, how come so many act like children?  Why is it that adults are so hard to find?  Perhaps it is because people seem to think that BDSM is some magical shortcut to life happiness without enduring the pains of the everyday world.  Of course, nothing is farther from the truth.

Responsibility For Oneself

Most of you know I am a big believer in personal responsibility.  As it pertains to BDSM, I am convinced that this journey starts within and moves out from there.  It is up to each person to decide what he or she wants from this way of life.  While there are many who seek only to add a bit of kink to their present relationship, still others desire a total power exchange scenario with high protocol  Whatever the intention, it is imperative that one determine for him or herself what will lead to happiness.  This is not something that can come from outside oneself but only after proper personal analysis.  Ultimately, it is you who is responsible for your own happiness.

In addition to happiness, safety is another area that you are responsible for, especially submissive types.  I encounter so many who do foolish things simply because they read somewhere online that it is the dominant's responsibility to protect and take care of the submissive.  This is a correct concept.  However, the problem arises in the situation where the dominant does not fulfill that responsibility.  In that instance, who is ensuring the safety of the submissive?  The answer is nobody.  Therefore, a submissive needs to take responsibility for his/her own safety even though that obligation falls to the dominant.  This practice should continue until he or she has proven the ability to handle that responsibility.

Entering into adulthood means bearing adult responsibilities.  The same holds true when entering into an adult lifestyle.  Freedom from responsibility is restricted for one time period: early childhood.  The reason is because we are not at the point to be able to handle it.  However, parents soon start to place more on children as they get older.  It is part of the maturation process.  Please do not believe that upon entering the BDSM world, that you suddenly find the foundation of youth and are reverted back to being a toddler.  Responsibility is still part of the daily ritual.

 Strength

With responsibility comes strength.  As one takes more on, power builds.  This is true for both the dominant and submissive.  Here again, we have an idea that is counter intuitive to what most people think about BDSM.  What do you mean a submissive's power grows?  A submissive, especially if she is a slave, desires no power.  This is where we see one of the fallacies about BDSM.  A slave, using as an example, should have great power.  In this scenario, it is ceded to her by the master.  It is not something she comes by without permission.  Nevertheless, if one is a valuable slave, he or she can be granted great responsibility.  Those who believe slaves are weak and cannot handle responsibility are still stuck in the childish stage.

At the same time, dominants need to understand that with power comes responsibility.  I see so many who want the power but do not feel an obligation to be responsible.  They believe that simply reading a couple of webpages provides enough training to take over someone's life.  This is not responsible behavior.  The kiddie doms of the world are very dangerous.  Simply because one reads the owner's manual to a car, that does not mean society lets him or her drive.  It is only after exemplifying the proper skills through testing that one is granted a driver's license.  In addition, show oneself to not be able to handle that responsibility and the governing body will revoke that license.  It is the same within BDSM.

Usually those who believe a slave needs to be weak are those who are weakest themselves.  These individuals lack the strength to be able to handle someone who is of the highest standards.  Instead, they prey upon those who are new (read not strong) in an effort to appease the insecurity that is within them.  Again, this is not responsible behavior since the dominant has no intention of bettering the submissive.  He or she is not capable of managing the other person's life.  Ultimately, things go awry because of this fact.

It is the responsibility of each of us to make ourselves as strong as we can.  This is a universal statement which applies equally to dominants as well as submissives.  Do not believe the rhetoric that states anyone should be weak.  Even the lowest of the low, the total sewer dwellers within this way of life, have great strength.  Trust me when I tell you, the lower the act, the more strength and esteem required to operate in a healthy manner.  Yet few recognize this idea.  Instead, they believe that only weak people behave in this manner.  Regardless, wherever on places him or herself on the BDSM scale, it is up to each one of us to better ourselves in every way.  BDSM is about living at a higher standard than the rest of the world.  We seek freedom to structure our lives as we see fit.  That is a wonderful power to have.  However, we need to ensure that we can handle that power through responsible behavior.  Personal development in every area is what leads to that end.  Without it, bad things can happen.

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What Does BDSM Mean To You?

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Evolution Within The Lifestyle

Many enter the BDSM world with pre-conceived notions which they are unwilling to change.  I find that people who have this mindset tend not to last in the lifestyle too long.  For one to truly excel in the BDSM environment, an open mind is crucial.  Much of what is a turn off today might well be your fetish down the road.

Experience

We know there is no substitute for experience.  The best way to decide about something is to experience it for oneself.  All the reading and research in the world does not make up for first hand knowledge.  In short, there simply is no substitute.

As an example, I like to use the analogy of childbirth.  I am male which means I never felt what it was like to have a kid exit my body.  Now, most females have went through this process at least once.  At the same time, many of them could tell me in detail about the experience.  If I searched long enough, I am willing to bet I could find someone who would spend months patiently trying to get me to understand what happens and how it feels.  Unfortunately, it all would be for naught.  There is no way I can truly know what it is like to give life to another human since, as a male, I am incapable of that.  Intellectually I might understand and be advanced with it but as a matter of practice, I will know nothing about it.

Flip this scenario around a bit and put two women together who have both given birth.  This brings up a totally different set of events.  To start, they both know exactly what the other one went through.  There is no intellectual understanding but, rather, practical experience.  Morning sickness, water breaking, and labor pains were all felt.  No description is necessary.  Experience was the teacher.

It is the same in BDSM.  Many will look at things and project what it is like.  I will use impact play and the pain associated with it as an example.  There are many who enter the lifestyle claiming they are not into pain.  Well, that is an assessment that I can agree with.  However, because of this outlook, they close their mind to the benefits of impact play and how it can positively affect some.  There are many who thought that pain is not something they like only to find out that impact play unleashed a terrific desire within him or her.  The pre-judging almost caused one to miss a fantastic aspect of our lifestyle.

That is not to say that everyone will come to like pain or impact play.  There certainly are many who do not want to participate in this activity even after experiencing it.  Nevertheless, their decision is based upon experience as opposed to projected ideas.  There is a big difference.

You Will Not Be The Same

Another area where this concept applies is with regards to where one eventually goes with regards to the lifestyle.  It is a simple fact that the person you are today is not going to be the same person two years from now.  Over time, we change.  Our interests will grow as we experience different things.  New opportunities arise which we will be able to take advantage of.  People will enter our lives who warrant more trust than those previously in addition to having knowledge that is apart from what we encountered.  All this will affect the person we are down the road.

Again we see people with the pre-conceived ideas about what they will be.  Many enter saying "I am not and never will be a slave".  For many, this becomes an accurate statement.  However, it is a mistake to close one's mind off to this.  The truth is there were some who found BDSM as subs only to realize after a period of time (and experience) that they could live as a slave.  Of course, this often entailed having someone who was capable of earning trust to this degree but the point is still the same.  A once held belief was smashed.

We evolve in this lifestyle.  Much of it is out of curiosity therefore we try something new.  Every experience builds upon the previous so that we start to assemble a catalog of things we are capable of being involved in.  As we grow as people, our interact within the BDSM world changes.  Sometimes life necessitates a stepping back while other times we become more active.  Continual self analysis will help us to monitor exactly what is needed at all times.

The bottom line is that when you are new at anything, being an expert is impossible.  As you progress and learn, new situations are available to you.  BDSM is no exception.  So many want to proclaim themselves Masters and take control over someone else without having a clue as to how that is done.  Being responsible for another being is not an easy task.  Yet people of this ilk believe it is as simple as saying submit to me.  As most of us know, that is only the beginning.  Of course, we know this because of the experience that came with time.  We are different people as compared to when we found the lifestyle.  Over the years, not only did we change as people but the interactions within our own BDSM life evolved.  It was, and continues to be, a process.

Open your mind up to the possibilities.  And remember, just because something does not seem to fit for you today, be slow to discount it totally.  You might find that it is a part of your life down the road.

DN 


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Getting Rid of Baggage

Have you ever noticed a young child who walking along, especially a boy?  What about this individual that struck you?  Anyone who has watched young children in this manner will tell you they have a habit of picking things up and shoving them in their pockets.  There is so much that interests them which becomes important to take home with them.  Of course, as the journey progresses, the pockets reach a point where they are full.  This leaves our young lad with the choice of either replacing an older item with a new one or discarding the newer one as soon as it is picked up.  Of course, we laugh at this behavior but the truth is adults do the exact same thing.

Baggage

The accumulation of stuff throughout life is called baggage.  For many, this might be physical items which have no purpose yet are hung onto for reasons beyond most comprehension.   We see this with those we lovingly refer to as pack rats.  Life becomes extremely difficult when it comes time to move.  All these things, of which great importance is given, need to be boxed up and physically moved.  Naturally, the new location requires enough room to house it all.  In short, it is a major hassle; one which mostly is unnecessary.

This practice is not just relegated to physical items.  People pick up a great deal of emotional/psychological baggage along the way too.  Similar to physical objects, here we see someone who hangs onto emotional situations as a security blanket.  Nothing is ever released.  The events of life, more accurately the pain, are continually paraded out in an effort to win approval in some way.  Victimization is a common resource that people like to tap into.  They are ready to toss out the event where they were screwed. 

Even if a person does not overtly model their trials and tribulations, there is a good chance the person will harbor them deep down.  In many instances, this person is more difficult to deal with since one is unaware of what exists within that person.  Pain is a difficult thing to deal with and does not tend to go away on its own.  Over time, it will subside, however, the imprint upon our psyche is there.  Those who do not proactively deal with their life situations (or the emotional ties to them) tend to relive them when facing another similar situation.

Hence, it is best for each of us to eliminate as much baggage as we can.

Relationships

You might be wondering what all this has to do with BDSM.  As most of you are well aware, I repeatedly tell everyone that the essence of BDSM is a relationship.  This is a fundamental point that cannot be overlooked.  No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one chooses to look at, it ultimately comes down to two people (or more in a poly situation) interacting with each other.  This means that much of what we learned throughout the course of life in dealing with others comes into play.  Again, few seem to realize this, instead, opting to believe that the BDSM world is some magical place which is exempt from the laws of human nature.

So few seem to view the entrance into a relationship with the idea of "what can I bring to this".  Here we see those who talk about giving, in actuality, behaving as complete takers.  Their desire is not to enhance what the other person gets but to take what he or she can.  While this is not often a conscious decision, it is the behavior that many exemplify.

The need to be rescued is never a sound basis for entering into a relationship.  There are so many who suffer setbacks and go seeking for someone to who is able to fix things.  We see this in the areas of financial, children, and, even, a place to live.  It is amazing that a person decides he or she wants to be involved with someone and goes seeking while his or her life is in total chaos.  This is never a healthy thing to do.

***I will mention a sidenote here.  Things are different if you are already involved in a relationship with another person.  We all encounter issues in life.  For example, the loss of a job might lead to financial crisis.  When involved with someone, especially M/s, this is a situation that the other person can help address.  However, it is completely different if you are not in a relationship and approach someone when totally insolvent financially.

Being Responsible

I view BDSM as existing on a higher plane that the average lifestyle.  We use words such as honor, integrity, and courage.  This are ideas of which many of us are suppose to subscribe to.  They are not just words thrown together in a protocol list although I will admit that is how many treat them.  People are to adopt them as characteristics to implement into their lives.  Yet as no surprise, this is not done by the masses.

In my mind, we only need to look at the idea of responsibility to learn where people fall short.  This is a major problem within the BDSM community.  Few are willing to take responsibility for themselves and the what occurs in their lives.  On the contrary, people engage in the blame game as a means to divert attention away from the true nature of the malady.  I am often taken aback when I see this behavior out of people who are "Masters".  Here is an individual who is granted complete power yet he (she) does not own up to the responsibility that goes along with that power.  Certainly, here is a person who is failing to live to a higher standard.

The same is true for an individual who seeks a BDSM relationship as a means of rescuing.  A person of this nature is going to have a ton of baggage that was not dealt with.  Much like the physical stuff that is continually stuffed in the basement until there is no more room, an individual in this situation is just bursting at the seams with emotional and mental problems.  Fears, anger, insecurities, and other unhealthy traits are sure to emerge.  These characteristics will, over time, eat at the relationship until there is nothing left.  Resentment is often a main culprit since one is having to deal with things that he or she did not initially know existed.  Using the example of finances, there are many who find a Master who unwittingly becomes responsible for massive credit card debt.  Since this person was financially imprudent, most of her income goes to past debt which stifles the present household situation. 

We can say the same thing about some type of addiction.  Addicts do not like to be alone.  Since a low self worth is a common thread in people like this, receiving validation by the involvement (romantically/sexually) of another person a path often followed.  However, as most can imagine, interacting and dealing with a person in active addiction is more than most bargain for.  Nevertheless, the fact that the individual did not take care of this minor tidbit led to the bringing down of another person.  A lack of responsibility ultimately causes harm to another.

So this begs the question: how are you?  Are you someone who is on solid footing?  Before answering that, please do not misunderstand me by thinking that a person needs to be free from problems.  This is an unrealistic goal.  Everyone had problems; it is a part of life.  However, the question is what are you going to do about them?  People who are proactive and seek to solve their life situations, whether physical, financial, or emotional, are better adjusted for dealing with the responsibility of a relationship.  These are the types who put in the personal effort to better themselves on a regular basis.  Clearing away emotional garbage is not a one time thing.  It is something that a person needs to constantly monitor.  When one handles issues in other areas of life, that is a sign that possibly he or she does the same with emotional baggage.

Remember, BDSM and the path that one follows is an inside job.  The journey, especially to start, is within.

DN

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