Fantasy versus Reality

It is time to issue a wake up call to most of the BDSM world, especially the online crowd.  To start, I must say, clue in.  Welcome to life.  Entering the BDSM realm does not mean you leave nor exempt yourself from it.  We live in the real world with all its pleasures and perils.  Sadly, many seem to miss this point.

Dream Much?

BDSM novels tend to "romanticize" this way of life.  We all know what a bunch of garbage 50 Shades is in terms of the realism of it.  Now, it is pleasant reading and enjoyable much in the same way romance novels are.  However, would anyone really believe that a romance novel is a text of how to run your marriage?  Of course not.  Yet many people seem to believe that the BDSM world is reflected in books such as 50 Shades.

To start, the problem with 50 Shades is that how many dominants online are billionaires?  The idea that one is going to be taken and trek around the world is fairly unrealistic.  Now there might be some dominants/masters who are in a financial category which allows this but I would say you are best embracing the idea that you might not be able to find him.

Which brings up another belief so many have.  The idea that you are going to be home all day long, naked, and on your knees waiting for him to come through the door is another fantasy.  Welcome to life in the modern era.  Just looking around society, it is evident that most households require dual incomes.  No longer is it feasible, in most instances, to get by on one income.  Expenses are continually rising yet salaries are not.  This means that your ass is going to be clothed and sent off to work.  This is where the vast percentage of people are going to fall into.

Another thing that will burst people's bubble is that people involved in BDSM have problems.  People in all walks of life suffer from this.  Even those in the upper elite have their share of issues.  Look at Robin Williams.  He is a stark reminder that fame and fortune do not come without problems.  In fact, because of the money he earned, his problems had a higher price tag on them.  He paid out more in child support than most of us will make in our lifetimes.  Either way, his life ended tragically because he wasn't able to cope with what was occurring around him.  Therefore, do not expect your entry into BDSM to absolve you of your life problems even if you are a slave who is being taken care of.  There will be issues which arise.  Financial, family, and medical are just three areas that none of us can get out of.  Accept this as reality.

Finally, get over the sexfest mentality.  There is a lot more to BDSM than whips and chains.  Again, sex is great.  However, do people base a marriage exclusively upon this?  Is a marriage a 24/7 fuckfest where the house is torn apart from the passion?  Maybe that occurs for the first few weeks or months, but after that a routine is settled into.  The same with BDSM.  Life is not a continual play party.  In fact, if your BDSM existence is completely play parties, then you really are not in this lifestyle, you are just playing games.  So have fun but keep your place in perspective.  Those who are in serious BDSM relationships or seeking them, realize this is a lot more than just play.

These are the fantasies many seem to hold true.  Now let us look at the reality.

Wake Up Call

Welcome to the vanilla world with a twist.  If you want to know what reality looks like in the BDSM world, simply look around you now.  That is the reality of it.  Nothing is different other than the fact that in BDSM we structure our relationships in a different manner.  We have an unequal power exchange compared to one that is based upon parity.  That is the single biggest difference between the two.  Almost everything else is the same.  Sure, instead of playing cards on Saturday night we might engage in bondage and impact play.  However, the basic essence of life remains.  As mentioned, all the problems that go along with being alive are present for us also.

A BDSM relationship takes work.  Yes, I realize that it is unequal in terms of power.  However, that does not mean that automatic success is guaranteed.  Each party is responsible for certain things within the relationship.  It is a two-way street.  There are going to be times when conflict arises (yes this is true in a M/s situation also).  We do not escape the human element of ourselves by entering this way of life.  Therefore, everything that happens within the "vanilla" world will also take place here.  If married, there is a chance you will dislike your inlaws even if you do own their daughter.  Kids are going to create mischief because that is their nature.  Both masters and slaves will come home, at times, from work stressed out.  Whatever others deal with, expect to face the same situations yourself.

Alas, not all is bad.  One thing I can tell you is the potential within a BDSM relationship is much greater than that in the vanilla world.  Because of the necessity of trust, BDSM enables us to go to much deeper levels.  The responsibility that one accepts when he decides to own someone cannot be compared to anything in the traditional realm.  At the same time, having the ability to surrender your life over in that manner is also incomprehensible to most.  Nevertheless, this is a regular part of our existence within this way of life.  While it does come with challenges and burdens, the payoff, is much greater.  Two people can experience closeness that I, surmise, the vanilla world only dreams about.  When you own someone and are responsible for her life, that takes on a very special meaning.  It is not something to take lightly.  Yet the rewards can be incredible.  The same is true for the one who is owned (from what is related to me).  Depth and growth are truly at the core of our interactions because it requires us to delve into our cores to begin with.  Finding out such deep things about ourselves enables us to share that with another.  This is something, in my experience, the traditional world does not promote.  Instead, it readily accepts the dogma society espouses.  Simply in finding this way of life, we had to at least question, if not reject, those views.  This began the quest that led us here.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live your life and structure your interactions.  However, please keep fantasy and reality separate.  If you believe BDSM is going to be the answer to all your problems, then you are sadly mistaken.

DN 

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Full Time Commitment

This is going to be a short, post of a topic that came to my mind early this morning.

I often write how the first commitment that one needs to make is to the lifestyle.  Too many want to immediately get into a BDSM relationship before truly learning what this is all about.  At the same time, they use their first relationship to determine whether BDSM is for them or not.  As much as this might seem logical, what would the world look like if everyone decided their heterosexuality based upon their first vanilla relationship?  I hypothesize that most would turn away from it since we all know that few of us ever remain with our "first love".

Being committed to this way of life means that you are willing to persist no matter what comes up.  Obviously, we see this is crucial when dealing with all the pretenders online.  Yes they can wear on a person.  However, it is only through persisting that one can truly realize what he or she is seeking which is a BDSM relationship.  Giving up is not the pathway to that end.

At the same time, this idea enters into the picture when one is involved with another person.  The simple truth is that life, no matter what the lifestyle choice, can be difficult.  There are times when we are all tired.  We also encounter periods of high stress.  Financial burdens can really weigh a person down and he or she is apt to take that out on another.  Finally, we enter states where we are over emotional.  This is a basic fact of our human existence and becoming a slave or master does not alter this reality.

However, what it does mean is that we also are not absolved of our responsibilities.  Pertaining to BDSM, when we enter into a relationship, there are a number of things that each person is responsible for.  A slave has specific duties which are expected to be fulfilled regardless of what her "state" is.  Certainly, there is room for leeway if one is ill but the basic message is that she needs to fulfill her responsibilities regardless of how she "feels".  The same holds true for the master.  His responsibility is equally, but no more, important to the success of the relationship.  His slave is depending upon him to fulfill certain roles that she cannot herself.  Her dependence upon him means that he doesnt get to shy away from his responsibilities either.  We all understand he is tired yet being involved in a BDSM relationship is a full time commitment.

Please do not misunderstand me.  There needs to be flexibility in a relationship, even one of this nature.  The simple premise is that one is not always going to be feeling well and this applies equally to masters and slaves.  Sometimes, backing off is the best thing one can do for another.  Often, unless one is communicating, we do not know what is going through his or her mind.  Perhaps there is something more serious than we know.  Yes, a BDSM relationship offers the platform for open communication but we are still human.  There are times when a master or slave will not reveal something.  At times there might be a good reason for it, others maybe not.  Either way, there are often underlying conditions which make someone shut down.  Times such as this means that one is not likely to be willing to give his or her all to the relationship.  As long as it is a temporary situation, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a little room to work through stuff.  Again, the key word is temporary.  If this becomes prolonged, then there is an issue.

That being said, there is also the expectation that one will perform his or her responsibilities even when not feeling up to it.  Outside the situations I just mentioned, waiting until one feels submissive, as an example, before acting in that manner is not appropriate.  Hey life is tough and we all need to do things that we do not want to do.  However, it takes on a bigger role in BDSM because each party, especially the slave, is dependent upon the other.  If a master is not stepping up to the plate because he is "tired", then the slave is rather lost.  Sure she can handle her day-to-day duties but her overall growth is stunted.  The same is true of a slave is not willing to adhere to her role.  Acting sassy or bitchy just because one is in a "mood" does not bode very well.  Being tired, upset, or emotional are perfectly acceptable and expected.  However, taking it out on someone else is not, especially when that person is the one you are involved with.

One final thought on this.  Emotional control is one of the biggest parts of a successful BDSM relationship and one of the major growth areas that all need to strive for.  It is easy to lash out when we are feeling anger or down.  Nevertheless, this is inappropriate behavior on every level.  Mastery means being able to control oneself, emotionally.  Yet, this idea does not only apply to masters.  Slaves need to strive for this end also.  Too many people do hurtful things to those they care about simply because they are "out of control".  People become puppets to their emotions/feelings.  A spiritual concept is that "feelings are not facts".  It is something we choose often based upon conditioning.  The simple test of this is to look at two people in the same work environment who are side-by-sde.  One person is stressed out while the other enjoying him/herself even though the work load is the same.  Why is that?  The answer is because one person chooses to feel stress while another opts for something else.  Therefore, each of us needs to learn to control ourselves emotionally to prevent undue pain caused upon others.  Yes this is a difficult task but growing up is never easy.

Maturity is doing what we need to do even when we do not want to do it.  Anyone with children knows how they are the exact opposite.  A child will not do his/her homework until forced.  Instead, playing takes a higher priority.  BDSM is the same way.  There are times when you have to put your anger, upset, tiredness, overwhelm, and stress aside and do what is required of you.  If you want to enjoy the benefits of being in a BDSM relationship and having someone fulfill their responsibilities to you, then you must be willing to do the same, no matter what your "state" at the present moment.  A BDSM relationship, like any other, is a full-time commitment.  We do not have the luxury of only doing those things when we want to. 

DN 

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Fulfillment and Happiness

I am going to delve into something that seems completely off the wall to many people, at least according to the actions I see online.  Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me the mindset that so many people have when entering this lifestyle.  For whatever reason, they feel like they entered a completely different dimension while leaving all logic and sensibility behind.  I don't know, perhaps it is just the online world but it is rather disturbing.  Nevertheless, maybe a bit of what I set down here today will help clarify some things.

What Are Relationships For?

This is an important question to consider.  Why does one get into a relationship with another?  In the BDSM world, why does a submissive seek out a dominant and what is she looking for?  Knowing the answer to this is crucial to the success of the relationship.  Now I will admit that each individual is unique in terms of her specifics.  However, we can draw some wide generalizations to encompass the overall idea.  Ironically, the reasoning is going to mirror everyone else in the world.

So why does anyone enter into a relationship?  The answer is simple: they seek to be happy and fulfilled.  I believe this is true for all types whether heterosexual, homosexual, or BDSM.  The only difference is what an individual is seeking yet the reasoning is the same.

What is interesting is that many of the so called dominants online do not consider this when approaching a submissive/slave.  Instead, they operate from the perspective that only their needs and desires matter.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave is not going to remain in a relationship, if she is a healthy individual, if she is unhappy and unfulfilled.  Sadly, many of the moronic individuals we see in such huge numbers online feel that fulfillment comes from sucking them off and serving them dinner.  While these acts can be satisfying to a sub/slave, if that is all there is, she will end up empty inside.  In short, the relationship will not fill a need for her.

Therefore, we must consider some of the basic areas which she needs attention:

-Sexual
-Domestic
-Intellectual
-Emotional
-Intimacy
-Grow
-Challenge
-Companionship
-Comfort/Safety

These are just a few of the areas that most subs/slaves require a dominant one to fulfill.  And finding one who is able to address all those areas is one of the challenges for the sub/slave when she is seeking.  Based upon my encounters online, it seems few are able to even consider what is most important outside of his own needs.

A Two-Way Street

A relationship is a two-way street.  Many of you saw me write this on numerous occasions.  Again, we see this idea is shunned by the dumbmasses since it is evident that the overwhelming belief is that only one person matters.  This is another viewpoint which is responsible for much of the failure within the BDSM community.

This is an idea that I am going to start harping upon more from now one.  One of the most flawed outlooks is that a dominant is better than a submissive.  This is incorrect.  One does not have more worth in the relationship nor more responsibility to the success of it.  Instead, each are equal in that regard.  A dominant and submissive are just different, not better or worse.  Therefore, when approaching a relationship, they have different needs looking to be fulfilled.  What is interesting is that both parties have the responsibility of fulfilling the other.  This is a point missed by so many.  Let me write that again: both parties have equal responsibility of fulfilling the other.  I believe you will find this is a much different approach than what is commonly expressed on the BDSM dating sites.

Now I am going to set out something that is never discussed in the BDSM world yet is so vital.  Whenever a sub/slave is interacting with a dominant with the idea of having something longer term, that individual needs to be asking "what is he going to do for me".  Again, this seems counter intuitive to the prevailing mindset yet it is vital.  A dominant has a responsibility to serve a submissive.  Yes you read that correctly.  When entering into the relationship, he is agreeing to serve her.  Now, bear in mind the form of service is different than what the submissive provides.  However, to ignore the fact that he needs to bring something to the table is misguided.

The abovementioned list is a good starting point.  How is this individual going to meet my needs in these particular areas?  Certainly, the sexual arena is discussed along with the play.  However, what talents and consideration is he going to give to her fulfillment and happiness?  Does he believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street and it is all "do as I say" garbage.  For this reason, a sub/slave needs to take a look at the potential dominant's entire life.  Where does he excel and where does he fail?  Dominants are human beings and perfection is not part of the curriculum.  Nevertheless, a dominant needs to have the interest in having a sub/slave who is fulfilled and the realization that it is his responsibility to help bring that about.  If this is not present, I surmise that the relationship is doomed from the start.

My regular readers know I refer often to a BDSM relationship being about depth.  The idea of this is that fulfillment only comes from having our deeper needs met (true fulfillment that is).  Too many focus upon the sex and play believing that is what a BDSM relationship is all about.  My experience is that is incorrect.  A BDSM relationship is about the growth of each party and the relationship as a whole.  Sometimes one outgrows the other meaning the relationship is destined to fail.  This is acceptable if both are growing albeit one at a much faster pace.  Sadly, the more common situation is where one puts effort into growing while the other does nothing (the dominant most likely).  Ultimately, the sub/slave requires more than this person is even interested in giving.

Remember this idea when interacting with others in the "lifestyle".  We always need to remember that all involved are people.  Just because one has a different core need, that does not make you better or worse than someone else.  And when moving towards a BDSM relationship, there are things which each person is responsible for it both are to attain fulfillment.  AND that is the goal of each when entering a BDSM relationship. 

DN

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Self Improvement

I once had someone tell me that my blog was BDSM mixed with Dale Carnegie.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, he was one of the pioneers in the self help industry.  His most famous book, How To Win Friends and Influence People, is one of the most quoted interpersonal works in this industry.  When this individual told me this, I took it as a compliment.  There are plenty of resources out there which talk about how to tie someone up or what it means to serve.  However, few tend to stray into those matters which we deal with on a daily basis.  I try to do this in my posts.

BDSM Is About Life

I see many use the term "lifestyle" when it comes to BDSM.  In fact, this is a term I often use because it is something we all understand.  Nevertheless, it is a bit misleading in the sense that BDSM is not a lifestyle but, rather, life.  Each of us is living our lives how we see fit.  Entering this realm did not suddenly remove us from the everyday interactions that we had previous.  Most of us still get up and go to work.  Others have family to deal with, both the positive and negative.  Financial issues affect us the same as everyone else.  We encounter loss while enjoying success.  Everything the average person encounters is the same as us.

Of course, we know BDSM is a bit different road than the traditional world.  To start, we structure our relationship in a different manner.  The vanilla world operates mostly upon the myth of equality.  Actually, that is a bit of a misleading statement because it really does not operate on this, just promotes it.  The world is truly run by those with power and, quite frankly, they do not share.  We see the power brokers everywhere from politics to the media to Wall Street.  We only need to look at the energy the 99% movement generated a few years ago to realize that most are on the outside looking in.  If equality was truly the model, those demonstrations would never occur.

Within the context of BDSM, we openly embrace the fact that equality does not exist.  Our relationships are structured based upon an exchange of power where one is in control with the other being controlled.  It takes both parties to complete a BDSM relationship utilizing all the interpersonal skills that are paramount to relationship success in all walks of life.  This is not exclusive or non-inclusive to BDSM.  In that regard, we are the same as everyone else.

At the same time, we can achieve depths that few can reach.  Because of the openness and trust factor of the BDSM relationship, this type of interaction tends to far surpass that of the traditional model.  When I discuss the core of an individual, that is the place that we all seek to connect at.  My experience and observation is that this level is not achieved in most vanilla relationships.  Ultimately, it takes great strength to give one's life over to another while those person taking her on accepts tremendous responsibility.  This is something that is non-existent in an equal parity structure.

That being said, the simple fact is that life is still life.  We deal with all the same issues as everyone else.  Entering BDSM does not exempt us from any of the trials and tribulations that others experience.  To believe so is engaging upon fantasy.  BDSM is life...that is all.

CANI

This is an idea that Tony Robbins touts quite regularly.  CANI stands for constant and never ending improvement.  I can not think of something more applicable to the BDSM world than this idea especially after reading thousands of submissive profiles over the years.  One of the common complaints is that dominants do not learn.  In talking with many over the years, I learned that many BDSM relationships end simply because the sub/slave outgrows the dom/master.  It is sad to think how one gets involved with someone but, because of his refusal to grow, the relationship ultimately dies.  Of course, what is truly disheartening is this is often caused by arrogance and laziness.

The truth is there is always something new for us to learn.  Whether one is a sub or dom, this idea applies equally.  Life is a constant, unfolding situation with new events continually arising.  Over time, our life changes and we become different people.  If attention is not paid, it is easy for those in a relationship to "grow apart".  Therefore, it is incumbent upon each individual to embracing both personal growth and the growth of the relationship.

Before going any further, I must state that this concept applies to a great deal more than your "BDSM talents".  When I say growing within the confines of BDSM, most automatically think of the ability to ties one up or getting into electrical play.  While these are wonderful skills to acquire and develop, they are not the major part of the deal.  Instead, we need to look deeper at the type of people we are and where our hangups are.

To start, my observation is that most submissive types are overrun with fear.  It is a major element within them.  As a dominant, it is your responsibility to remove this fear.  The question is are you skilled at this?  Are you able to recognize it when it arises?  Can you see it in her eyes?  Or do you add to it with your immature approach to BDSM by behaving in domineering ways?  At the same time, how are you at the psychological aspects of slavery.  While many ask for this, few can fulfill it since they truly do not understand how the mind works.  At the same time, do you have the ability to control yourself emotionally and the discipline to do what is required?  A dominant is one who is to lead the relationship.  However, it is hypocritical and destructive for one to tell another to do something he, himself, cannot do.

It is a simple truth that we all have things we can work on.  None of us are perfect nor all knowing.  There is always something else to uncover and explore.  Usually, we are given signs each day of what required attention simply by observing how we react.  If one is continually exploding and entering into a state of rage, this is a signal perhaps some underlying anger needs addressing.  Or if one finds herself repeatedly crying throughout the day, then it might mean that something is amiss.  Either way, everyone has something to concentrate upon.

Yes, it is wonderful to be involved in the world of whips and chains.  Nevertheless, it is vital to remember that even the most skilled dominant in terms of BDSM play can be a total prick to live with.  In fact, judging from the egos I witness, I feel this is a factual statement.  Long term BDSM success means that we are able to interact with a variety of people on many different levels.  Over time, we encounter people from many different backgrounds and experiences.  Some come to us with things such as depression or self worth issues.  Others were abused.  Most tend to stuff things meaning there are plenty of issues to work through.  Fear, insecurity, and negative projections are frequent escorts along the life journey and necessitate constant attention.  Trust, or lack of, is a major factor for most meaning that dominant needs to be consistent in his actions and responses; failure to acquire this ability will only magnify the distrust.

BDSM is a journey within.  Too many focus upon the BDSM relationship, especially when new.  They get so wrapped up with the idea of getting with someone that they miss the most crucial aspects which is their own development.  It is paramount that before one is able to fully give to another, he or she must develop something within oneself.  BDSM, while similar to the traditional world in many ways, is also a different cup of tea.  Therefore, consistent internal exploration is necessary if one is to grow and prosper in this way of life.  Ultimately, to me, BDSM is about becoming the best people we can be and this is achieved by always improving ourselves and, in turn, our relationships.

DN 

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Robin Williams' Death: An Eye Opener

The past few days witnessed an outpouring of the recently departed Robin Williams.  Sadly, it took his passing to bring some of the issues that exist within society to light.  As most of you are aware, Williams suffered both from substance abuse and depression (i.e. mental illness).  Unfortunately, most of our culture is unaware of how tragic these things can be.  Hopefully, Williams' passing will open up some eyes.

The Outside Might Not Reflect The Inside

There are a couple lessons from Robin Williams' tragic death that we can take with us.  To start, it is crucial to realize that we never know what someone is suffering from.  Unless someone comes out and tells us that he or she suffers from depression, as an example, there really is no way of telling from the outside.  Therefore, always remember that you do not know what is going through the head of the one you are with no matter how much you believe that you do.

From the outside, Williams had it all.  His ability translated into making millions of people laugh over the course of decades.  He was one of Hollywood's top comedic actors raking in a fortune for his work.  Fame, fortune, and a loving wife were all his.  Yet, none of this translated within him.  Instead, he resided in what was a very dark place based upon the route he took.  In short, ending his life seemed, to him, as the only means of dealing with what was taking place within him.  The pain of death was surpassed by the pain of living. 

Keep this in mind when you are dealing with someone who is close to you.  I have not read the percentages of the number of people who suffer from a mental illness but I can assure you it is more than we conclude.  Therefore, it is highly likely that someone you are involved with or potentially could be involved with suffers from this problem.  Because of the stigma associated with this, few are willing to talk about it even with their closest partner.  Society views afflictions of this nature as moral/strength issues as opposed to something as real as a broken leg.  This translates into individuals hiding what is going on with them usually to the point where it is too late.

Keep Things In Perspective

It is easy to get caught up in all that is going on with our lives.  People, by their nature, tend to want to project negatively while focusing upon all that is wrong with their lives.  It is amazing how someone can have 100 things going absolutely ideal and concentrate all the attention on the one unresolved issue.  This puts them in a place of misery and anguish while not being able to enjoy things.

In the BDSM world, we talk about all the fakes, liars, scammers, and how hard it is to find someone real.  At the same time, for those in relationships, there are also a host of issues to deal with.  Contrary to what many new people seem to believe, being involved in BDSM does NOT except you from life.  All the stuff vanilla people deal with is present in our lives.  Finances, career, family, and illness are all part of the deal.  None of us get to run from this.

Robin Williams takes his own life should help each of us keep things in perspective.  Now, do not misunderstand me; I am not downplaying the situations in your life.  Things occur for each of us which can be pretty tragic.  However, try to imagine what was going on between Williams' ears when he made that fateful decision earlier this week.  When you consider this, it makes dealing with another pretender seem mundane and not really worthy of mentioning.

The bottom line is that our fulfillment and happiness are vitally important.  So many believe that a BDSM relationship is one-sided with a sub/slave giving all and the dom/master garnering all the pleasure.  If this is your belief, I suggest you change it.  People, even the lowliest of slaves, are entitled to be happy and fulfilled.  And, as I stated on here many times, sucking your cock and taking off your boots is a rather non-fulfilling existence.  If you find yourself in a situation such as this, I will tell you that perhaps you ought to look for something different.  Talk to your partner and if you cannot get through to him or her, then look for another.  It really is that simple.  Robin Williams showed us how precious and temporal life can be.  At any moment, we can reach the end.  Make the most out of each interaction while you have the chance. 

DN 

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What The Hell Do You Want?

This post is a direct result of reading hundreds of profiles online.  After going through this, I am often left with the question, what the hell does she want?  In other words, what is being sought.  The reason I bring this up is simply because few seem to have any clue whatsoever.  Of course, this is not surprising since so many seem to be playing games as opposed to seeking something real and genuine.

To Thine Own Self Be True

This is a line from Shakespeare that still holds true 400 years later.  It is YOUR responsibility to be true to yourself and what it is you desire.  The world offers many things to you yet it is your place to decide exactly what you seek.  Failure to do this leads to confusion and a total lack of clarity.  We see this everyday in the BDSM world.

I often write how one's journey into BDSM starts by going within oneself to uncover what is there.  Few, in their vanilla life, ever took the time to do this.  Sure, most fantasized over the years.  However, as we know, this is only a small piece of a much larger puzzle.  At the same time, romance novels, especially of the BDSM variety, can create some wonderful ideas which most often are unrealistic (stop seeking the billionaire dominant like in 50 Shades...he most likely does not exist).  Getting to know oneself is crucial if you are to have any success in the BDSM world.  The reason for this is simple: BDSM is such a wide-open lifestyle that people basically have unlimited choices.  This is a marked difference from society which often limits our choices which, while enslaving, is also comforting.  Being able to choose whatever one desires means being responsible in those choices.

Therefore, when one looks within him or herself, it is vital that all aspects and desires are sought.  Of course, it is important to bear in mind that a lot will change as the years go by.  Nevertheless, we all need to start somewhere knowing that this is an undertaking which will continue repeatedly over time.  A good question to ask oneself is "what the hell do I want?".  Believe it or not, this is something that few do.  Rarely does a person know what he or she desires.  Without searching, we are left to the programming we received from society.  Sadly, what might hold true in the vanilla world is not always applicable to a BDSM relationship even though we are dealing with a relationship.

Perfect

Another point that closely relates to this is the ones who post how they are "looking for the perfect dominant" or the "right slave".  I have news for you, this person does not exist.  To prove this point, I will point to all you people who were married, especially those multiple times.  Isn't it true that each of your spouses, at one time, was the "right" one.  At the start of the relationship, this is true.  Naturally, by the time the divorce proceedings took place, an entirely different viewpoint is present.  Far eastern philosophies sum this up by simply stating that we do not fall in love with a person but the image we have created of the person.  Over time, as we get to know him or her (read live under the same roof), the image is shattered and replaced with a different reality.  Hence the idealism we once had is smashed.

Understanding this point is important in one's quest.  You can hold out for the perfect or right individual or internalize that this person does not exist so opting for this path means waiting a long time.  Perhaps that is why there are so many out there who truly seek something genuine but do not have it.  Holding out for the perfect person means that you might miss a number of ones who are ideal, albeit flawed, for you.

Now, please understand I am not saying that one should shed his or her standards.  Once you do the internal search to seek something in particular, hold yourself to that.  Too many people allow fear and loneliness to enter into their thinking.  The profiles I respect are the ones who state that they are holding out until they find what they seek.  While there are many who are hung up on the perfection, there are also equally the same number who are simply refusing to lower their standards.  Once again, when loneliness sets in and it seems the entire world is in a relationship, one is apt to try and push things forward.  This usually means succumbing to that internal struggle by getting involved with someone who is not up to par. 

So, while perfection is not something that should be sought, neither should one submit to just any Tom,Dick, or Harry simply because she is lonely.  You can find what you are seeking with enough time and patience.  Sure it is difficult yet it is far easier if you have a clue what it is you want in the first place.

Therefore, in closing, it might be best to take out a piece of paper and answer this question: what the hell do I want from my life in BDSM?  Answer this and you are well on your way to achieving that end.

DN

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Reliable and Dependable

This is a topic that I really have not delved too much into. In fact, it is something that we rarely discuss in the BDSM world.  However, we do touch upon it via other topics which appear more common.  That being said, it is best to uncover some of the basics about how we should all seek to be.

Trust

We refer to the subject of trust quite often.  Many feel this is the basis of the BDSM relationship.  I will go one step further and mention that it is the foundation for all relationships.  Without it, there really is not a relationship.  Who wants to interact with someone they cannot trust?  We all know the feeling of encountering someone who is the sort that leaves you feeling that you need to hold onto your wallet.  A person of this nature is one who seems like he (or she) cares nothing about anyone else.  He is always in it for himself.  Obviously this is not a terrific way to endear trust among one's fellow man.  Of course, it is no surprise that we see so many dominants in the BDSM world operate in the exact same manner.  And people wonder why there is so little trust among people within this lifestyle.

When we refer to trust, what is it that we really mean?  The word is tossed around, usually in the context of not being able to trust, yet few really take the time to consider what is at the core.  When we trust someone, what we ultimately do is depend upon them.  A person worthy of trust showed him or herself to be reliable.  In other words, we can predict with a high degree of certainty what their actions or reactions will be.  They have a consistency in their interaction which is predictable.  This fosters the feeling of trust within another since that person behaves in a consistent manner.  Contrast this with the person who is the proverbial "loose cannon.  An individual of this demeanor is one who has a difficult time generating trust among co-workers or friends.  He is always acting in ways that are unpredictable.  While spontaneous action is a healthy thing, too much of it means that one is truly unreliable.  Sadly, we see way too much of this behavior especially within the BDSM community.

Dependence

Dependence is a topic that causes great confusion.  Throughout life, we are taught that it is unhealthy to be dependent upon another.  People with dependence problems tend to suffer from low self esteem while gravitating towards unhealthy relationships.  The reason for this is because he or she lacks the ability to be alone.  The poor self esteem means that one is "happier" being in a relationship even if it is unhealthy as opposed to being alone.  This same motivation is also what keeps one in a terrible situation as opposed to leaving.  Obviously, from this perspective, dependence is a bad thing.

However, if we go a bit further in our search, we can uncover some things which show us that dependence is not a bad thing at all.  In fact, in all healthy relationships, there is a need for it.  I will insert my usual caveat and mention that we need to separate the unhealthy individuals who suffer from horrific self esteem from the average person who enters the BDSM world.  When one is comfortable with him or herself, dependence is an asset in one's relationship.

Being dependent does not mean one is weak.  This is a common mistake people make.  One can be very strong while also being dependent upon another.  In fact, in a BDSM relationship, it is a natural transition.  The structure of the BDSM relationship means that each individual has certain roles to fulfill.  At the basic level, one dominates while the other submits.  It is through these acts that each person provides something the other needs.  Without submission, there is nobody to dominate and the other way around.  While the exchange of power is total, especially in M/s, each person's input into the relationship is equal.  Both have responsibility to the other.  It is through fulfilling these responsibilities that the parties become to depend upon each other.

So what does this really mean?  Another way of phrasing it is the sub, as an example, comes to be able to count upon her dominant.  The reverse is also true.  Through consistent action, decision-making, and emotional control, each party basically knows what the other is going to do.  There is no fear or concern if something will be provided or not.  When the sub needs the safe space it is available to her....all the time.  At the same time, when the dominant is in need of his sub, she is there to fulfill what is required of her.  Each person shows up and handles his/her roles in the relationship.  A dominant making consistent, concise decisions will provide the forum for a submissive to rely upon.  Notice how it is a two-way street.  In a healthy BDSM relationship, both the dominant and submissive come to depend (rely) upon each other.

Starts With Oneself

As with most everything I write about, reliability starts with oneself.  It is unrealistic to expect one to depend upon you if you are, indeed, not dependable.  Therefore, it is important to look at your own life and actions to determine how you fare in this area.  It is a sad truth that few are people who are called "dependable".  Most people operate from a haphazard perspective bouncing around unclear about what is desired or required.  A lack of clarity does not lead to reliable decisions.  Hence, one needs to focus upon what is truly desired or needed before moving forward.

Part of the process of becoming reliable is to garner the discipline within oneself to do what is required.  For those who are into health and weight loss, there is a set of consistent actions which must be taken to reach the desired goal.  Many of these actions are difficult in the face of temptation.  Thus, one needs to exert discipline within oneself to consistently keep taking the proper action.  It is this consistency which allows one to reach his or her goals.

Getting back to trust, the problem most people have with this topic is that they cannot trust themselves.  Most people have a difficult time keeping promises.  However, what makes this even more destructive is that the easiest promises to break are those made with oneself.  Over time, we let ourselves down so much that we know we cannot rely upon ourselves to take the action needed.  This mindset enters into all of our interactions because, if I am not reliable, how can anyone else be?  Ergo, we see how important it is to be able to trust oneself before trusting another.

In closing, consistency is something that we all need to strive for.  Look at your life and ask yourself where can you become more consistent.  Remember, it is through this that one creates the confidence to be able to take the proper action when needed.  It is also the means which those around us do the same.  Ponder the impact of this upon your BDSM relationship if you are in one.  Consistency in your actions and responses will put your partner on much firmer footing with you.  Whether you are dominant or submissive, it is equally important for you to internalize this point.  A BDSM relationship is really no different from any other relationship once we set the power exchange aspect aside.  And ultimately, if you cannot trust or depend upon the person you are interacting with, what is there to that interaction?  Is it not really a waste of time?

DN  

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Domination Versus Abuse

Difference between dominance and abuse:

A dominant seeks to control another to meet his AND her needs....an abuser seeks to control another to meet his needs without the slightest thought of her.

DN

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Respect: Where Did It Go?

Respect is something that is often discussed within the BDSM community, especially in the online world.  Sadly, like many other topics, it is turned around with fantasy and stupidity reigning supreme.  Therefore, I thought it a good idea to clarify matters a bit on this to try and assist people in their interactions.

Given Or Earned

The old saying is "respect is not given, it is earned".  While this is a valid point, I find it to be only partially true.  Respect is something that is both given and it is earned.  This is an idea that many overlook.  The simple fact is both components are necessary.

I see so many who demand respect.  This is the wrong approach also.  One cannot demand something like this from another.  Under the two aforementioned parts, being given and earning respect is not done via demands.  This is bullying and pure insanity..

Respect needs to be freely given to one based upon the simple fact he or she is a human being.  There is no need to be disrespectful in a new interaction.  I know, all the wannbe doms are having a fit.  Their belief system is that you do not respect a sub.  If that is your viewpoint, read some of my posts regarding the value and worth of submissive types.  A dominant is not "better" than a submissive, simply different.  And it takes both a dominant and a submissive to complete a BDSM relationship.  You cannot dominate without having anyone to submit to and vice versa.  The only inequality in a BDSM relationship is in terms of power.  This is the one thing that is exchanged or established on an non-equal basis.

Therefore, everyone deserves respectful interaction.  Even those who desire to be treated like pigs are worthy of respect.  Simply because one desires degradation, that does not mean she wants it from you.  Approach her with respect until you established the foundation where you are one she wants to be degraded by.  In other words, get her permission.  Her likes and kinks do not translate into wanting that from everyone.

Another thing to keep in mind is the one following his or her true core is highly worthy of respect.  So many in life do the exact opposite.  They succumb to the wishes of society and those around them.  One who takes the journey inward to uncover what is deep within oneself is walking through a great deal of fear to arrive at the conclusions he or she does.  This is critical step to take and one that is not done easily.  Hence, we need to be mindful of the depth and power one's submissiveness holds.  This is especially true for the slaves who seem to be open to total abuse from the pretenders who fail to realize how difficult it is to embrace the fact that she wants to live TPE with another.  It takes great strength to submit to another.

At the same time, respect is also earned.  Outside of the respect of being a human being and the position one occupies, there is also the respect that comes from interacting with one.  This is determined by how one behaves.  Again, the dimwits who demand respect are showing exactly how unworthy they are of it.  The only way to garner this is to let our actions and ideas do the talking for us.  What you think, believe, and how you carry yourself are crucial.  This is what allows another to really latch onto something that he or she can be proud of.  Failure to do this means that you are apt to be looked at in negative light.  This does not bode well for being respected.

Courtesy

A large part of respect is common courtesy.  This is something that is completely absent from the BDSM world, especially online.  People talk about honor but it is just another word.  There is little honor within the community today because people are too full of themselves.  They believe the garbage that is spewed online thus concluding that they do not have to be courteous to another.  This is completely wrong.

Now before going any further, I will state that it is acceptable for one to receive a non-pleasant response when you started with the asinine attacks.  I have no problem with a sub/slave replying to one of the rude emails with a "you are a small-cocked, insecure, little boy who needs to be tied to a St Andrews Cross and be whipped until you get a clue" message of her own.  This is well-deserved and more of that should take place.  The belief system that exists online shows how rude the general populous truly is.

That being said, it is best to approach each interaction with common courtesy.  There is nothing wrong with "please" and "thank you" even if it is given to a submissive (and no, using these words does not make you less dominant).  It is perfectly acceptable to approach someone with a pleasantry or compliment based upon what you read or saw.  Ma'am and Sir are not only reserved for dominant yet can be applied to submissives as well.  Anything that works in the real world is applicable.

Another area I see a lack of respect or non-courteous behavior is when replying to another.  I witnessed this behavior in many different areas but it is all the same.  It is quite rude to not respond to someone.  Now, I will place my proverbial caveat here by stating that the bonehead emails do not require a response.  Nor do the obvious cut/paste variety which are also commonplace.  However, if someone does take the time to write you a nice email, one that is personalized, at least have the courtesy to reply to it.  Even if you are not interested, send back an email thanking him or her for the interest while stating that you do not think there is anything to pursue.  Of course, this harkens to the buttheads again who receive a reply of this sort only to respond in a rude manner.  Have some respect for yourself man and move on.  Acting like a spoiled little brat is not what domination is all about.

Replying to someone shows them respect and that you are a courteous individual.  Ignoring someone is basically telling them you are not worthy of my time.  If this is truly how you feel about someone, then eliminate him or her from your life.  Stop the interaction immediately and move on.  However, if you do believe the other person has worth, whether it is a relationship with the capital R or just a friendship, then the other individual warrants respect from you.  Treating someone like they are a telemarketer or some other solicitor is not a courteous way to interact.  This applies to emails, texts, or phone interaction.  To not reply on a consistent basis means you are rude.  And, quite frankly, if you are rude, then you most likely do not deserve the respect from whomever you are interacting with.

Can Say Does NOT Mean Should Say

The final area that I want to delve into deals with what one can versus should say.  There is a saying which applies to dominants which says "just because one can does not mean he should".  This has obvious implications.  Simply because it is within the realm of a dominant's power to do something to a submissive, that does not mean he should.  There are always variables to consider including psychological or emotional harm inflicted upon the submissive.  To me, inflicting this is not domination but abuse.

However, this idea does not apply only to actions taken.  It also applies to words.  Many believe it is their right to say whatever they want to someone without consideration of the consequences.  They failed to realize that silence truly indeed is golden.  People like this often hide behind the guise of being honest.  Yet, what is most often happening is that they are simply are exhibiting their insecurity via their need to tear others down.  This is a classic maneuver of one who suffers from poor self esteem.

***Of course, I am going to put in my caveat here again.  There are times  when one is within his or her right to reply in an unkind and brutally honest manner.  Some simply cannot take a hint when you try to say something in a respectful manner.  This is especially true if you are met with rudeness yourself.  It is always best to try to take the high road but there are times getting into the sewer is simply unavoidable.

Therefore, we need to monitor what comes out of our mouths.  Stating something that is true but unkind not only makes you honest, but also a jerk.  I can go up to someone and tell her that she is fat yet what does it accomplish.  It is mean spirited and really serves no purpose other than to harm her.  Sure, it might be true but is woefully unnecessary.  It shows extreme disrespect for the other person in addition to ourselves.  When we behave like this we are telling the world, or at least all within hearing distance, that we have no control over our mouths (usually stemming from the inability to control our emotions).  The key is to learn to respond as opposed to reacting.  Reacting is nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction whereas responding means you put some thought into what you are saying. 

For Yourself

The final area where respect is applicable and necessary is as it pertains to oneself.  I see so many who tolerate behavior which is completely unacceptable.  Whatever the cause, there simply is no reason for it.  Whenever I see a situation such as this, the thought that enters my mind is "have some respect for yourself and get out of it".  Of course, this is easy to paint with a broad brush since situations tend not to be that easy.  However, the main point is there.

No matter what you are in this lifestyle, master, dominant, sub, or slave, have some respect for yourself.  This means that you do not have to tolerate behavior that you find intolerable.  It is well within your right to tell the other person to stop or get lost.  We all should have standards of conduct which we accept.  Anything that falls short of that behavior should be mentioned and eliminated.  There is no reason for you to deal with anything that is unacceptable, especially on a repeated basis.  I do not care what he (usually) states is your place.  A BDSM relationship is one built upon many factors and trust is one of them.  If a dominant is going to continually do things which are unacceptable to a sub, that trust diminishes instantly.  There is no prospect of long term success under these conditions.  Nevertheless. too many "geniuses" overlook this simple point.

There are a lot of abusers out there who prey upon the naive and innocent.  The BDSM world attracts them in droves because it provides an ideal forum where a guy with woman issues can take it out physically and mentally.  This is what turns a BDSM interaction into abuse.  The intent to harm or inflict pain in a manner that is not desired is their main objective.  In short, they want to hurt another (and bad in some instances).  Many fall into this trap since they do not have the proper respect for themselves.  Hold yourself to high esteem and realize you are worthy of treatment that is not abusive.  If you fail to respect yourself, others will follow suit.  Therefore, for you own fulfillment and safety, it is crucial that you respect yourself.  Besides, there is no reason not to.

DN 

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