Discipline

This is a topic that gets misconstrued by many in the BDSM world.  It is also a subject that few people enjoy.  Nevertheless, if one is to be successful in BDSM while also holding oneself to a higher standard, then discipline is an important element.

More Than Punishment

When people ponder the word discipline, especially within BDSM, images of punishment come to mind.  Most instantly go to the idea of paddling or some form of behavior modification.  While this is a correct view of the word, it is only one of its meanings.  There is another aspect which goes even deeper.

Another image that is helpful is to think of the military.  What is the first thing they start training new recruits upon entering boot camp?  The process of discipline starts the second they step off that bus.  In this situation, we have 18 year old kids who are put through daily routines meant to instill the self-discipline necessary to succeed in the military.  Things such as bed making, shoe shining, and marching are all done to foster this mentality.  When it comes to discipline, this idea is crucial.

There is another mental image I want to utilize.  Think of the professional body builder.  Consider the muscle bound Adonis you see in fitness magazines or competing in the Mr. Universe competition.  These guys look like they were chiseled out of stone.  Every muscle is properly developed.  How did this happen?  Naturally, these men spent countless hours not only working out but also monitoring their diets while eating for a specific purpose.  How many of us can say that?  The point is that these individuals decided upon an end goal and modeled their behavior to achieve that outcome.  Great discipline was required to achieve that end.

 Self Discipline Is A Must

When I refer to discipline, I am going to be pointing to the concept of the bodybuilder.  This is a sport which is spent mostly in isolation.  Therefore, to achieve excellence in this field, one needs to exception self-discipline.  I find the same to be true in the BDSM world.  If one is lacking in this quality, his or her existence in this way of life is going to less than stellar.

Focusing upon the dominant side of things, I am always astounded when I see some who proclaim to be "Masters" yet so obviously ill-equipped for that title.  In short, these people live a life that is totally out of control.  What is sad, they believe they are qualified to run the life of another.  And what is more annoying is that there are some who believe this to be true.

One cannot proclaim to be dominant without self-discipline.  It is impossible to control your own life without it.  There are things that we all need to do on a daily basis which we do not desire.  That is a fact of life.  However, those with the discipline to take action end up achieving success in our society.  That is how it works.  We live in a world that bases things upon action.  That is the bridge from the mind to reality.  Those who act achieve results.

Getting back to our exceptional "Masters", ever notice how many are out of shape, have financial trouble, and lack emotional control?  To me, these are telltale signs that one is out of control.  Certainly being like the bodybuilder is not a goal for everyone but someone who is carrying an extra 100-150 pounds is exemplifying a lack of self control.  At the same time, those who are deeply indebted exhibit the same behavior.  So many lack the ability to delay instant gratification, thus spending themselves into debt.  We see this by the reports stating what the average credit card balances are.  A person simply lacks the ability to tell himself "no".

Does this mean that everyone who is overweight or suffering financially is not dominant?  Not at all.  There are circumstances for everything.  Many lost jobs through no fault of their own in recent years only to feel that impact financially.  At the same time, there are people who suffer physical ailments or require medication which is a main reason for weight gain.  Therefore, we must be careful to not encompass everyone without first looking at the situation of the individual.  However, I think you will find that these ones are the exception.

To be masters of our own fate, self-discipline is required.  One needs to be able to take action where required.  Sometimes this is a decision; other times it is getting up and going to the gym.  Whatever is necessitated in that moment is done.  This is what mastery is all about. 

BDSM And Growth

BDSM is about growth.  Over time, those who are in this lifestyle find they grow as people.  The journey that brings someone into this life is an inner one.  That is the first step.  People start to learn about themselves by questioning the life they are leading.  I am a big proponent of one spending time with him or herself before entering into a BDSM relationship.  This is where one uncovers his or her true self.

For growth to occur, we need to move outside our comfort zones.  This is not an easy task for many people.  Society conditions us to remain comfortable.  We are warned not to take risks.  Settling is the norm as opposed to fighting for the exceptional.  Thus we see many who fail to grow.  To me, BDSM is different.

Since we consciously chose this way of life as opposed to being conditioned for it, we each have a responsibility to excel and grow as much as we can.  As people, we are examples of what this life has to offer.  Each situation is an opportunity to grow and realize more of our potential.  Mastering ourselves, whether dominant or submissive, is an outcome to continually strive for.  Character is something that is lacking in this world and the BDSM community is a reflection of that.  Nevertheless, people have the opportunity to grow through their experiences and being models of excellence.

Does this mean that one is going to change the world?  It is possible but not likely.  The point I am making is that an individual should approach every situation throughout the day with the mindset of being excellent.  Of course, along the way, many failures will be met.  If one is submissive, that is where the first form of discipline can arise.  However, is one is into disciplining herself (not punishing), very little will need to be done by the dominant other than pointing out the transgression.  This is where self discipline will make a submissive more valuable.  At the same time, we need to see the same behavior from the dominant since he (or she) is the one responsible for guiding the entire relationship. 

BDSM is a lot more than whips and chains.  Those who live this way of life do a great deal more than just engage in power exchange behaviors.  This is what is noticed from the outside.  However, with power comes responsibility.  For one to properly utilize that power, he or she must continually grow and be discipline in approach.  Nothing is worse than a totally inconsistent dominant.  This will often leave a submissive unsure, leery, and scared.  Not exactly qualities to use as a foundation for a successful relationship.

DN

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The Online World

The Internet changed our lives forever.  With the invention of this medium, we found a new way to interact.  The word "virtual" became part of our everyday vocabulary.  Entire industries were created while others destroyed.  The delivering of information, especially entertainment, crossed over to this new mechanism.  No longer do people shop for DVDs or CDs.  Instead, instant downloading from a website (i.e. online store) is the preferred method.  At the same time, this medium changed the way people socialize.  Naturally, BDSM experienced a similar transformation.

Expanding Universe-Condensing World

The online "universe" is enormous.  I remember ready a stat a few years ago that said there were 3 trillion websites on the world wide web.  That is a lot of place to go visit.  We now have access to information from any part of the world.  Hence, we have seen the world get smaller.  Whereas before one would have to go to a library and open a book to see pictures of the pyramids in Egypt, now a few mouse clicks and you are there. 

BDSM is truly a microcosm of the world at large.  This lifestyle has noticed an expanding in that more people now have access to information about how we choose to live.  On the surface, this is a tremendous benefit.  However, it comes with a price.  To start, in this era, anyone with an email account and a keyboard can post information.  This has led to the watering down of the truth.  Part of the motivation I had in starting my writing was to clear up a lot of the misinformation that existed out there.  Few can deny the fact that the imagery promoted online emphasizes the whips and chains aspect while mostly ignoring the true meaning of BDSM.

Another disadvantage to the online world is the anonymity that one can operate under.  While safety is an important issue and many can "get involved" without putting themselves at physical risk, the fact is that many use this medium solely with the intention of misleading.  They are not who they say they are.  In fact, they are not even close to what is presented in an online profile.  People lie about their gender, height, weight, and experience.  Basically, anything that is asked in terms of information is open to misleading.  Anyone who has dealt with the online dating scene, lifestyle related or not, understands this idea intimately.

On the positive side, the BDSM world, because of the Internet, has allowed for the access to people who we normally would not interact with.  Today, it is not uncommon to interact with someone from another continent.  Before, when BDSM was basically local munches, someone from the next county was considered far away.  Here is where we see the world getting smaller.  Australia is no longer the other side of the world but, rather, the other end of the Internet connection.

So, as you can see, there are a few positives and, also, a few negatives with the Internet as it pertains to BDSM.

The Games

The sad part about this medium is that it frustrated people to no end.  Go onto any of the main BDSM "dating" sites and you will see this in black and white.  People are not shy about relating their experiences in their profiles.  They simply refer to all the liars, cheats, scammers, and general dregs of society.  Trust me when I tell  you, there are all kinds on those sites.

What is upsetting is the amount of garbage one has to sift through when seeking something real.  Emotional connections can be made by a person even without meeting.  This is a risky proposition since one is never certain what is on the other end.  A good rule of thumb is that everything is up in the air until a face-to-face meeting occurs.  Even a phone call can be manipulated.  Personal contact is the only true way to know that you are dealing with someone who is what he or she claims.

Of course, this is where many run into problems.  I cannot count the number of instances I read online where someone was "involved" in a relationship with someone and it was moving to the point where meeting was going to occur.  This is where the warning flags go up.  Suddenly, the other person starts to hedge.  There is always a reason why meeting cannot take place.  Over time, the truth emerges: this person was lying.  In most instances, a disappearing act is the result. 

There are too many games played online to go into them all here.  The point I am making is that most of what you encounter out there online is not real.  People are misleading.  I know of one individual who recently re-entered the BDSM dating scene after a prolonged absence.  Over the course of a few months, he went 5 for 5 with the game players.  Everyone he encountered was misleading.  From lying about the weight to having a STD to not really being submissive, he came across it all.  Sadly, this is not an isolated case.

The Internet is a sensational tool for education and information.  However, it is not as wonderful for social interaction.  While there are many case examples of online success, both inside and outside BDSM, the truth is there is more crap than romance novel material.  Certainly, I am not advocating that people stop using this medium for this purpose.  However, it is crucial that one is careful how much time, energy, and emotion he or she puts into this area.  Again, I cannot stress it enough.  Most of what you encounter out there is not real.  Before getting yourself too deep, try to research some of the antics people encounter.  This will help you to identify what takes place. 

In the end, it is never safe to presume that one has the same motives you do.  There are many people online with less than honorable motives.  It is a sure bet that you are going to encounter these people in your travels.  Protect yourself physically, financially, and emotionally from these predators (and yes this includes many of the so called submissives).  It is the only way to ensure that you do not get burned.

DN  

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The Unfolding

For years, I have stated that BDSM is nothing more than a journey within uncovering what is deep within us naturally.  The people who are part of the "lifestyle" are those who spent the time looking at themselves and what it is they desire.  Certainly, there are some who found this way of life by accident (perhaps running across a website or book).  However, if these maintained BDSM as an active part of their lives, they journeyed deep to learn exactly what was desired.

Natural Tendencies

We are all granted natural tendencies.  This is something that we cannot deny.  For whatever reason, some are more prone to be dominant while others, submissive.  The fact that these characteristics reside within most individuals beyond dispute.  What is in question is what someone does with these tendencies.

Society has a way of conditioning people to what it believes is "normal".  Sadly, we find these natural tendencies are stamped out of most of western cultures.  It is ironic that what is present within us is deemed abnormal, thus requiring removal.

It is very obvious that domination, especially by men over women, is hated by society.  The last 40 years has seen the movement towards equality.  Now, I am not going to debate the merits of the Equal Rights Movement.  The point I am making is that it is frowned upon for men to "act like men".  At the same time, this same mindset has created a situation for submissive women who desire a man to control them.  This is viewed as weak.  The mantra is that "you do not need a man".  Again, I am not writing this to open up debate as much point out the fact that the genders lost their natural inclinations for interaction.

Therefore, men became metrosexualized while women fiercely independent suppressing the desire to serve (I realize that reverse gender also occurs but I write from the male dom/female sub perspective).  This overall situation creates a problem for both parties.

Women often find themselves in relationships with men desiring more.  What do they want?  They crave domination.  That is what resides at their core.  Sadly, they are dealing with men who are either not interested in that or incapable of it.  The later, as I will note, is a consequence of society.  This leaves our women in a position of trying to uphold the standard of equality and worthiness (society's definition, not theirs), something deep down that is not desired.

Now, turning to the men.  Their ability to dominate in many instances was squashed.  Again, societal conditioning is a powerful mechanism.  Men are suppose to be gentlemen at all times is the overriding message.  Television often portrays the male figure as weak and indecisive.  He is the butt of jokes (i.e. the character of Al Bundy).  Each of these situations impacts the overall view of society. 

Obviously, I am not going to proclaim that men have a right to act like total a**holes, especially towards women.  There is no reason why a man should not be a gentleman.  This is not a sign of weakness or lack of domination.  However, there are times when he needs to take charge and lead.  A submissive woman will follow; in fact it is what she craves.  Society might say that a dominant man is "pig", but the truth is that this endangered species is sorely needed. 

BDSM reintroduces these animals back into our lives.  People of dominant makeup are allowed to be that way while those who are submissive are supported and held in esteem.  BDSM is one of the last frontiers where civility and natural tendencies are allowed to co-exist.

Stepping Beyond

This brings us to our next topic which is the fact that natural tendencies are only the starting point.  Part of each of our journeys is to learn about ourselves and the how we are to interact with people.  As I wrote repeatedly, the Internet opened the door for many to enter into BDSM.  The problem with this is that many have ill motives or simply do not want to exert the effort to learn what is means to live this way of life.

Being natural dominant or submissive is not enough.  Using the dominant side of things as an example, I will say that natural dominance without knowledge only leads to domineering.  We see this with the many "alpha males".  They have dominant tendencies but have no clue how to truly dominate someone.  In short, they are nothing more than bullies which is a fear based motive.  A true dominant does not come from a place of fear.  He is not weak in that regard.  His domination is a result of a natural tendency coupled with years of study and experience.  It is this difference which separated him from the masses and attracts the interest of truly submissive people.

Obviously, none of this happens overnight.  Both domination and submission is a process.  Those who live this way of life started at the same point as everyone else: with a natural tendency and no idea how to act upon that.  However, over time, the path unfolds in a clear way.  Reading and reflection really help to open the doors to what is contained within us.  Using people such as myself, through my writings, can help to "mentor" someone along the way as we share our experiences (both good and bad).  Being an active learner also means that mistakes are used to their fullest advantage.  Like is said, the price is already paid, you might as well learn the lesson.  Our own experience, over time, helps to navigate the path we are taken. 

Entering BDSM is just a beginning.  If one is committed to making this a lifelong study, you will soon realize that there is so much which awaits you.  Life can truly achieve a state which exceeds your wildest dreams.  There are no words to describe the feeling that comes from living in accordance to what is truly within your core.  It is beyond description.  Anyone who experienced this knows exactly what I am referring to.  The connection one has, not so much with another, but with oneself and his or her nature is powerful.  And it is from this point that one can create a deep connection with another.  Nevertheless, this only occurs after one truly understands what is at that core.  It is worthwhile to remember that society is trying to prevent one from realizing what is there.  Part of our task as members of the BDSM community is to ignore what society considers normal and go with what our core tells us.  We are much better served.

So, in closing, forget what society says.  Embark upon your BDSM journey and watch what unfolds.  You will truly be amazed.

DN 

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Reliability

 As part of the ongoing idea that people in the BDSM world should hold themselves to a higher standard than the general population, I would like to cover a topic that most seem to ignore.  Reliability and dependability are important factors in any type of relationship.  Sadly, it seems we reside in a world where this is not something people feel noteworthy.  Instead we find that a person's word means nothing.

Trust

Many seem to have trust issues and who can blame them?  Trust is something that is earned yet few seem wiling to go to that end.  Rather, the majority of the population seem to think it is something that should arbitrarily be given without any cause for merit.  At the same time, we see these same people unwilling to return the favor opting for the skeptical approach.  While this is understandable to a degree, it is a factor which can create havoc within interpersonal relations.

Trust is developed through consistency.  And one is consistent when he or she operates in reliable ways.  A person can take comfort in knowing what another person will do the majority of the time.  This is true whether we are referring to a M/s relationship or a friendship.  Interpersonal relations require this degree of trust for depth to occur.

Using a simple friendship as an example, who wants to interact with someone who is always breaking plans.  Here we have an individual who is exemplifying the desire to be unreliable.  All plans are taken with a grain of salt because they are always subject to change.  While some might maintain the person is consistent in his/her actions, it is not a positive means to improve a relationship.

The same is true for the intimate relationships within the BDSM community.  If one is an unreliable Master, as an example, then a slave will have a difficult time knowing what the protocol is to follow.  Inconsistency from a dominant is one path to death of a relationship.  Submissives depend upon certainty for their success and if one cannot provide that, disintegration of the relationship is the only option.  One cannot trust another who is unreliable.  It is that simple.

Word Your Bond

There was a time when business deals were completed with nothing more than a handshake.  No paperwork or lawyers were required.  If a man said he was going to buy something for a particular price, it was set in stone.  His word was his bond.  There was no thought of betraying that.  This was a time when people held themselves to a higher personal standard.

What do we see today?  The exact opposite.  Obviously, we live in a world of contracts and people who have the task of either upholding or breaking those same documents.  Leaving the business world aside, we also see a tendency for people to act in ways that are in line with this mindset.  And the BDSM world is full of people of this nature.

To start, the online world is the wild west for trollers and scammers.  We know that people will create all kinds of personas only to be revealed as something completely different.  Men pretending to be women, married claiming to be single, and dominants who only found BDSM 3 days ago is the norm.  However, the online world is not the only place this exists.

How many of you found the same to be true in real time?  It is not uncommon for people to disappear even after real time interaction occurred.  On a lesser scale but equally as disappointing is the person who agrees to plans only to notify one later of something different.  Either way, the person is showing him or herself to lack the reliability that was previously mentioned.

Commitment is a word that has lost a great deal of meaning today.  People commit to something as long as it is convenient.  The second if becomes too difficult, they exit.  We see this overall with people's approach to the lifestyle.  Their commitment level is high until they see all the games (especially online) that are played and begin to realize how difficult it is to find a dominant or submissive.  Then, the questioning about whether he or she wants part of the BDSM lifestyle begins.  This is one of the reasons why so many enter BDSM and leave just as quickly.  While they might lack character themselves, there is also a high probability that the ones they were dealing with did also. 

Therefore, in closing, look at yourself and your behavior.  Are you a dependable person?  Can you consider yourself someone who adds to the lives of others (or another) in the way you behave?  Do you keep your word as your bond?  Or are you one who is willing to change your plans if a better offer comes along?  The BDSM journey is one that starts within.  Too many skip this process believing that something outside of themselves will create fulfillment.  It will not.  To successfully navigate the BDSM path, one must first determine the character he or she will subscribe to.  Then, and only then, can another person be added to enhance one's experience.  I suppose this is true in all of life.  However, those of us in BDSM should seek to lift ourselves to the highest level possible.

DN

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The Freedom Of BDSM

 I always found it ironic that a lifestyle that contains bondage is a pathway to many for freedom in life.  However, those of us who live this way of life realized that is exactly what happened.  Entering the BDSM lifestyle is what freed us to be the people that we are.  This is an important concept that most are not able to exercise.

Fraud

Most people are basically frauds.  This does not mean to insinuate they are corrupt or criminal.  What I mean is that their life is a lie.  They are not living how they desired.  Instead, they are putting up all kinds of facades to help people outside view them differently.  Image is everything is the saying.  Conformity is the acceptable practice in the traditional world.  Stray from the norm and there are consequences to be paid.  Most understand this at a young age, hence, they fall in line with the group thinking.

Being true to oneself is almost impossible with the way society is.  Certainly there are a few who are able to enjoy this but they are considered fringe people.  The last time it was commonplace was during the hippie movement in the 60s which ended along with the Vietnam War.  Now, people who engage in a communal lifestyle or anything along those lines is viewed as odd or radical.

As a result, people fall follow the prescribed path as outlined to them by society.  This is especially true with relationships.  I have a wedding to attend this summer for a family member and the thought has crossed my mind more than once "why is he getting married".  Now I am not stating this with an opposition to marriage as much as to the question of whether he was free to consider alternative lifestyle choices.  I am going to hypothesize that he did not and is simply falling the common course of action.  He is in his late 20s, met someone he loves, and so marriage is the logical next step.  While that might be true, in 50% of the cases, divorce follows after that.

Perhaps this individual is being true to himself with this decision.  However, I know from talking with many over the years, this is not the case for everyone.  People find themselves imprisoned to the cultural ideas which are commonplace.  The indoctrination process starts at an early age and never really ends.  Most individuals end up living a life established by someone else.

BDSM As The Answer

For many, the answer is BDSM.  Please notice how I wrote many and not all.  BDSM is not for everyone so let us not pretend this is the cure-all for society.  Nevertheless, for those who feel an inner alignment with this way of life, it can be the pathway to freedom.

To start, BDSM is a conscious choice.  In few situations within Western Society is BDSM the default structure for relationships.  Instead, we see a world that is based upon parity in relationship with the power structure equally split.  This is not so in BDSM.  People who opt for this method consciously choose a relationship based upon the fundamental idea of unequal power.  This is radically different from those who are commonly operating in the traditional world where there choices are typically unconscious.

Another aspect of this is that BDSM allows one to be who he or she is.  The opportunity exists to eliminate the facades (at least some of them) and be "who you are".  Naturally, since we all have to operate in the "real world" there are some of those walls which need to remain in place.  However, the vast majority of them can be punctured especially in social settings.  Submission, as an example, is not a characteristic valued by society.  Yet, in the BDSM world, it is a necessary component in every relationship.  The same is true with domination.  Society has a mixed idea about this trait yet we embrace it within BDSM.  If this is who a person is, why deny it?

BDSM also offers the pathway for exploration.  The vanilla world detests this concept.  People are to adhere to what is already established.  Anything outside those bounds is frowned upon.  In BDSM, we encourage people to try new things.  There is a whole spectrum of activities from the mild to the extreme which we suggest people try.  The one caveat that we insist upon is that of safety.  However, outside that, and a few highly illegal ones, everything is open.  The freedom to explore is not only offered but encouraged.

BDSM is a lot more than just whips and chains.  Along your path, be sure to look deeper within yourself to determine what is available to you.  You just might uncover something that astounds you.  Freedom is available if you want to take it.  But remember, with freedom comes responsibility.

DN

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Slaves With Power

Today I must write a post to clarify an idea that is so common it actually is scary.  So many people buy into this idea that it is amazing that people can exist in the real world to any degree.  The sad part about it is that it is untrue and completely impractical.

Power Exchange

Before I get into the thrust of this article, I am going to tangent to an idea that is equally as stupid as the one I am going to write about.  Too often I see submissive people (usually women) who write something to the effect "I am not submissive to everyone".  The fact that this needs mentioning shows the sad state of affairs that we are dealing with.  We entered into another reality with the advent of the online crowd.  For some reason these people behave in ways that is contrary to what BDSM fundamentally stands for.

The fact is that a sub (slave) is only submissive to the one she (he) submitted to.  That is why there is a process that is undertaken before the exchange of power takes place.  Simply because someone has the quality of submissiveness, that does not mean she (he) is subservient to every non-submissive out there.  That is like saying that a married woman is married to every guy.  Insane.  Do you think that one has to write "I am married but not to everyone"?  Of course not.  Nevertheless, once again, we see the inane ideas of the BDSM world.

Turning attention back to the main idea, too many believe that a slave becomes powerless once submitting to another.  This is a myth that seems to take place online.  Personally, I believe it keeps gaining speed because the dominants lack the skills to handle someone who exhibits power, i.e. is not a total bathmat and the submissives want to absolve themselves of all responsibility.  Being a slave and entering in a BDSM relationship does not mean that a slave ceases to have any power.  Instead, it uncovers the fact that she (he) is empowered to the degree as determined by the dominant.  Here again, we see this fact to be true since many slaves are obligated with responsibility.  In a healthy situation, it is impossible to have responsibility without being empowered (and vice versa).

Therefore, the exchange of power is total insofar as the dominant determines who has it at any given moment.  And, ultimately, it is all at his (her) discretion.

Outside The Home

Here is the primary area where I see so much confusion.  So many believe that they cannot be slaves because they operate in positions of power in the business world.  My answer to that is "why would you think that"?  Again, I know the answer because of what I just wrote.  The vast majority, at least online, operate from the basis a slave has no power...ever.  As was shown, this is not true.

It is not uncommon for one to work outside the home even when owned.  Obviously, in a M/s situation, the decision of whether to maintain employment or not is up to the dominant.  However, once that decision is made, he (she) understands the parameters of that decision.  Whenever one is working outside the home, there arises the situation where one has a boss.  This is true for the employee in the form of a manager and even the business owner (these bosses are called clients/customers).  Hence, everyone has someone to answer to who are dictating behavior.

Many see a conflict when a slave is in a position of having to answer to someone else.  There is no conflict.  Anyone who makes the decision to send one out into the workplace understands that during the hours engaged in that activity, the slave answers to another person.  This is an example of where the online fairy tales do not relate to the real world.  Anyone who believes that a slave answers to him (her) in that situation will find himself without the extra paycheck.  Most employers are a bit picky about their employees answering to someone else during business hours. 

Another concept that many have trouble with is the notion of a slave being in a position of power.  I presume this is something that is not comprehended when understanding the inane ideas people buy into.  However, there is no reason why a slave cannot be in a management position outside the house.  Simply because she (he) has people answering to her (him), that does not mean that submissiveness is not a part of that person's makeup.  The difference is that the slave has the ability to assume the role required to succeed in the business world.  Management is a discipline like any other that is learned; it does not reflect the inner qualities nor threaten how she (he) structures a relationship.  At the same time, it also doesnt negate the submission to the one who owns her (him).

Hopefully, this clarifies things considerably.

DN

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Weaknesses

Nobody walking the planet today is perfect.  We all are flawed in some way.  This is an inescapable fact.  Sadly, the way some behave, you would think they were exempt from this minor tidbit of life.

Growth

Over the last few weeks, I have been writing how I feel it is crucial that people who live the BDSM lifestyle hold themselves to a higher level of conduct than the average person.  This is because those who live this way of life made a conscious decision to do so.  Most individuals who are in the vanilla world have not considered why they live the way they do.  Instead, they fall in line with cultural conditioning.

Part of the process of having higher standards is continual growth.  This concept applies to each area of our lives.  Far too often I see members of the BDSM community concentrate solely on their "play" talents while ignoring everyday life.  Unfortunately, it is for this reason that I believe many encounter problems.  BDSM will not solve your life issues.  We do not become exempt from the everyday situations that all people deal with simply because we opt to pursue a lifestyle based upon power exchange.  Therefore, growing in those areas outside of play is paramount.

When looking at growth, there are two ways to approach things.  Now, I will tell you, being in the corporate world taught me there is debate as to which is the best approach.  Some believe that one needs to focus upon weaknesses and seek to improve them.  At the same time, there is another faction which believes that one is to ignore weaknesses and only focus on improving strengths.  After all, the Rolling Stones concentrate on making music while having someone else handle moving their equipment.  Actually I can see both sides of the argument.  However, I feel weaknesses are a proper place to focus attention.

Low Hanging Fruit

There is an adage in life about garnering results quickly and easily by concentrating one's efforts on the "low hanging fruit".  What this analogy tells us is that it is far more effective to focus upon those areas of life which are a complete mess.  This line of thinking believes that noticeable results are achieved with a small amount of consistent action.

As an example, I will use finances.  Have you ever met someone who was a spender.  This person never gives a thought to money when making a purchase.  He or she is always broke spending whatever comes in almost as fast.  The amount of money earned is truly not relevant since 100% (or more with credit) goes out.  This is a person who has some big pieces of fruit to pick.

Contrast this with an individual who lives by a budget.  Here is a person who knows what is coming in and, more importantly, what goes out.  Each purchase is considered before it is made.  Sound financial principles are a part of this person's regular makeup.

Now, let me ask you: which person can realize a 10% turnaround easier?  Do you believe the free spender can improve quicker than the one who monitors his/her money? 

The answer, in my view, is that the free spender, the person with the major financial weakness, will garner results quicker by simply taking a few corrective actions.  This person could erect a self imposed spending holiday for a month where nothing but essentials are purchased.  This certainly would have a major effect.  Or perhaps a few of the items which were recently purchased but are not going to be used could be returned.  Again, we would see an immediate net effect.

Weaknesses and BDSM

As mentioned in the open, we all have weaknesses.  BDSM is a microcosm of society because of the fact that it is made up of individual; imperfect creatures who should be seeking to get better.  Each of us is obligated to take inventory of ourselves to determine where we need improvement.  Again, I need to stress that everyone falls into this category in spite of what some dominants would lead you to believe.

Concentrating on those areas which are "outside" of BDSM is a wonderful starting place.  Is your financial situation a mess?  Do you require a bit of work on your body?  How are your interpersonal skills?  Are you getting along with your co-workers and family?

In addition, another area to look at is your own character and notice some of the areas where you fall short.  Is your temper a problem?  Do you struggle with honesty?  How is your self esteem?  Where does fear rule your life?  Are you ashamed of certain things?  Is integrity of importance to you?  How is it exemplified?  Questions like these uncover the qualities which amount to our character.  My view is the BDSM world is made up of far too many people who are low in this area.  We have all encountered the outright scumbags online.  These people are obvious.  But what about the others who are less apparent?  There are a multitude of people running around who will lead you to believe they are of quality when, in fact, they are not.  The sad truth is it is often better to be stabbed in the fact by a stranger than in the back by a close confidant.

The key elements in a BDSM relationship are the individuals who are involved in it.  It is amazing how few ever seem to take the time to consider this.  Also, those who are in BDSM still need to operate in the "real" world.  Unless you are part of the few who reside on some piece of land separated from the mainstream where total power exchange resides every second of the day, the fact is life still needs dealing with.  And successful navigation through these waters will enhance the satisfaction of the relationship.

Certainly, learning and seeking to improve the different parts of play is important.  However, it is not the only factor.  One who is an expert at using a whip and bondage but is a total jerk is going to suffer difficulties.  While this person might be an excellent BDSM dominant, the character leaves some to be desired.  Sadly, this is a fact which becomes evident in all interaction this person has.

Therefore, it is helpful to focus upon our weaknesses...all of them.  It is a difficult undertaking but one that nets great benefits.  As members of the BDSM community, why shouldn't we hold ourselves to a higher level of behavior.  Just looking around society, it is evident the world can use a group of people who adhere to this.  At the same time, some of the problems which are commonplace in our community might not occur if people took a stand based upon higher principles.  For too long, the BDSM community tended to gravitate to the lowest common denominator among us.  It is time to change that.

DN

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