In my last post (found here), I covered some of the basics of domination. In that article I covered how domination is something that resides in the head, the same as submission yet it is our core that determines which way we lean. This natural quality is present in everyone since, depending upon the situation, one has the ability to exert control over. It does not require great insight to determine that even a submissive is not that way in ever instance. There are times, work or in raising children, where she is required to handle the role of dominant. While this is not the preferred option, it is something she is capable of. At the same time, if a dominant has half a brain, he realizes there are times, like in court, where he is at the mercy of another.
I am going to start by delving into the idea that domination is natural. It is common to see a submissive, especially when she is seeking help with her boyfriend, to state something like "my boyfriend is naturally dominant". This is a belief that I sense many have. Taken at face value, it makes some sense but it does require clarification. As I mentioned, the quality of domination, like submission, are natural. Both are present within everyone as evidenced by the fact that we all can embrace either role depending upon the situation. Certainly, it is not comfortable submitting for a dominant yet it is often done. The same is true for a submissive. Therefore, I will agree that when one states so and so is naturally dominant, that is a true statement.
The problem arises in the fact that being naturally dominant does not mean one has the ability to dominate. In other words, simply having the quality of dominance within oneself will not automatically translate to being a good Dom. Domination is not a natural manifestation. Yet it does spring from the quality of domination within a person but it requires a great deal more. True domination necessitates self control, a willingness to take responsibility, dedication, motivation, education/knowledge, and the ability to overcome fear. Ironically, this is just a small list of some of the attributes needed to excel at the art of domination. I think you will agree simply being of "dominant nature" is not enough.
It is interesting to note that often those who are deemed naturally dominant have a life that is totally out of control. I find the best way to measure the effectiveness of a person's domination is to look how he lives. If you find many areas which seem overlooked or like they are not being tended to, this could be a sign that the "domination" you see is nothing more than a cover. Remember when I wrote about cockiness not being true esteem but, rather, a way to mask one's personally held inferiority complex. Cocky people tell you how great they are while confident people show you. It is the same with domination. A truly dominant person will have that attribute apply to every area of his life.
At this point I am going to cover some of the areas where you should see his domination manifest. Again, like always, I am going to make some generalizations here which will encompass most individuals. Of course, there are going to be individuals who fall out of the range of what I am discussing here or who have circumstances not deemed ordinary. Yes there are exceptions but this can be a basic checklist to work from.
Inner qualities are manifested in the outer world. Focusing upon the outer results will likely give you insight into the individual and what is operating within him.
Let us look at a few areas:
1. Physical body
I really love seeing the profile posts stating "I am looking for a fit sub/slave; one who takes care of her body and looks good for her owner". Obviously, this is a fine desire until you read the specs on the person who posted this and realize he is 150 pounds overweight himself. Come on...seriously? And this person espouses to be dominant.
Let us look at some of the facts in this situation. To start, it is no great secret that excess weight, especially obesity, causes many health issues while also shortening one's life. Think of all the people you can who lived past the age of, say, 90. How many of them were extremely overweight? Very few. In fact, consider those who lived past 80 and you will see the same thing. Why is this the case? Simple...the heavier people died. So one who is coming from this perspective is basically stating "I do not care about living a long life with you". In other words, get ready to bury his ass young.
I will specifically insert a caveat here. I realize there are many who have conditions, such as certain medications, which make weight loss near impossible. Obviously, these people have a valid reason for it. However, with almost half the US either overweight or obese, I fail to see how this is the justification for most. If you are in the 5% of people who have medical conditions/medicines that make weight loss impossible, ignore this. On the other hand, if you do not fit into that category while also not fitting into your pants, maybe pay attention.
The problem with a dominant who fits into the category is that he lacks the qualities necessary to be in good shape. In view of the shortened life, we can see how the motivation is lacking. It takes effort to get in shape. At the same time, it also requires self discipline to shed excess weigh. One needs to get himself to the gym and work out 4/5 times a week while also eliminating those foods which are harmful to this endeavor. The truth is we all like cake, ice cream, fast food, and candy. However, those who are serious about being healthy and fit have the discipline to avoid these foods in mass quantities. It is said that weight issues are 90% attributed to what we eat as compared to exercise. One needs the ability to exercise control over what goes into his mouth. Those who do not either do not care or they lack the ability. Either is a red flag to me.
Please bear in mind, I am not stating that everyone needs to strive to have a body like a professional body builder. That is an unrealistic option for most of us. However, take the daily steps to ensure we are healthy and fit is a much different goal. Walking 45 minutes a day had incredible healthy benefits. Eating a diet with many fruits and vegetables aids greatly in getting the pounds off. These are basic components for overall health.
One final point about this. Not only can one think about the fact that one's overall healthy is important but also that a certain level of fitness is required for some of the activities we are involved in. Much of the play in the BDSM world requires stamina and strength. While one can succeed without being fit, one who is can take things further, hence providing his sub/slave with a enriched experience.
Again, we get to a sore subject with many people. It is here that I have to admit many people encountered situations that were outside their control which led to dire circumstances. Loss of job, divorce, or prolonged illness are all situations that arise unexpectedly and can cause extreme financial hardship. More than one person has ended up in bankruptcy court (submitting to the judge) because of these events. Many times, a person simply cannot rebound from these situations. So, if you fall into one of these categories, you are exempt from this section of the article.
It does not require much research to realize that most people have no financial self control. Credit card balances are so high that people are routinely spending 5%-10% more than they are earning. The age of consumerism has taken full hold of us. Sadly, the mass marketers are well aware of our inability to say no and hammer us with ads proclaiming how we need this new car or that latest phone. Peer pressure is often added to the mix in the "keeping up with the Jonses" mentality. This leads to excessive spending normally using credit in an effort to make oneself feel better.
It takes great strength to fly counter to what society promotes. Of course, this is not a novel idea to those of us in the BDSM world. Each of us had to reject the commonly held ideas of society pertaining to relationships or else we would not be in this way of life. Certainly, it often was the result of pain that drove us to seek this but, nevertheless, at some point, we all had to question what we were taught.
The same lesson applies to money matters. We are conditioned by the advertisers that we "deserve" to have whatever product they are selling. At the same time, our worth and esteem is manipulated into believing that it is somehow tied to what we own in the form of the car we drive, house we live in, or shoes our kids wear. Whatever the methodology that is used, the result is the same: to separate you from your money. And trust me when I tell you, judging from the debt the average person has, these techniques are working very well.
A strong man is able to resist the insanity that is consumerism. Now, that does not mean that he lives like a monk with no material possessions (although he might). However, it does mean that this individual has the ability to live within his means while spending only on those things that are necessary in addition to select "luxuries". A person of this ilk also will save and invest his money so that his future is brighter. He also will have a fund set up to help alleviate one of the aforementioned circumstances should they unfortunately arise.
It takes great discipline to resist the temptation to spend without thought. Just like with the proper diet, one has to motivate himself towards a greater end. Sure, in the moment buying that item will provide satisfaction. However, in the long run, if one ends up in debt because of a lack of financial discipline, the pain is much greater.
Now, please bear in mind that I am not saying that everyone needs to become a multi-millionaire. Sure it would be great if it happened for all of us. Nevertheless, regardless of your income (unless it is so low that you are borderline poverty), all of us can save. A true dominant will control his spending and financial life. This is not something that he will leave to chance. Nobody likes the idea of budgeting, refusing one's desires, or hunting for bargains. However, the fact that one is willing to do these things shows that he is willing to undergo the effort to control something that is vital.
In the next post, I will expand into a couple other areas which should be examined to see if one is truly dominant. The point I want you to get is that domination starts with control over oneself. Far too many people believe, based upon what I read online, that they are capable of dominating another when they exemplify none of that in his own life. If one cannot exercise control over himself, how can he do it over another? Sure, it is easy to bark out orders and say "do this because I told you to". Yet if one is not willing to do the same thing himself, isn't that hugely hypocritical? I tend to think it is. Being a true dom is not about being a hypocrite but congruence in one's life. Self control is the highest form of control one can exert. It is the major leagues. One who lacks control over himself will ultimately fail as a master/dom to another. It all starts with the guy looking back in the mirror and expands out from there.
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20 hours ago